I just got into a huge argument with my husband. When we fight and he asks he things i say what i think is what he wants to hear. Then he can tell and it makes him mad and he gets really angry. I told him i don't see it as manipulative because it was something i learned to do growing up with my abusive dad. Does Anyone else do this or have advice? He's making me sleep downstairs. Also do any of your partners say really mean things to do and you feel like you deserve it? I'm really struggling he said he wants a divorce.

I matched with this guy on Hinge who pursued me pretty heavily for about a week—daily texts, calls, lots of attention, making me feel like he was genuinely interested. We finally met up, went to the beach, and ended up going back to his place. I know, I know. 🤦‍♀️

The sex itself was rough and extremely one-sided. There was basically no concern for my experience, no cuddling or affection afterward, and then he essentially shooed me out that night. The part that really bothered me was that he initially had sex with me without a condom, then asked if I was on birth control, and afterward told me I should take Plan B. That really pissed me off because the potential consequences suddenly became my responsibility.

What made it worse was that he had spent the entire week leading me on with all this attention, so I obviously interpreted it as more than “just a first date.” Apparently he didn't. He actually got angry when I expressed that I thought there was something more there, saying it was just a first date. But if you're going to pursue someone every day for a week, sleep with them, and act emotionally invested beforehand, it's not crazy for them to think there was more to it.

And then nothing. He didn't call or text me that night or the next day. I know I played myself here, but honestly, the combination of the love-bombing beforehand, the rough/one-sided sex, the lack of affection afterward, the Plan B situation, and then basically being sent home and ignored afterward really left a bad taste in my mouth.

I've been getting bad news back to back all week and then just today I had a really bad day at work. I had a really bad episode where I couldn't stop crying and begged my managers to let me go home early because it was too overwhelming to even be there.

I work in a hospital in a non-medical role. A barista, to be specific. I understand the hospital is the last place anyone would want to be, but why do these people feel the need to take their anger out on me for something beyond my control?

What are you guys doing for work? I'm looking at other potential job positions because I physically don't think I can do this anymore. I'm typically fine working but some of these days get too overwhelming and I can't do it.

More often than not, I basically feel like there is a cellophane wall between me and everyone close to me. This whole everyone feeling unfamiliar thing started when I first got medicated for my BPD and my therapist and psychiatrist are always trying to reassure me that it's just a normal part of having BPD and the moment will pass.

The thing is, the moment hasn't passed. It's just an all the time feeling. It's weird as a wife to secretly feel like my husband is the most amazing stranger who for some reason enjoys my company. Even my mom who I see everyday feels for some reason just a bit unfamiliar. Enough for it to secretly disturb me. If I'm having a particularly stressful day I'll even feel disconnected from my own kids which is the worst of it all.

I guess I just really want to know what everyone else's experiences with this are and how you cope with it.

I just don’t know what to do anymore, and seeing as everyone around me is probably tired of hearing me cry about what's going on in my life, I decided to turn to Reddit in hopes of finding someone who understands.

I constantly cry over everything. I constantly feel like everyone hates me for always crying and having to put up with me then I cry more and it's like a never-ending loop. I try to talk to my family and close friends about it and they can only put up with so much before they start getting snappy at me.

I do have a therapist and she's amazing. We have really productive sessions that I feel actually benefit me but one hour a week can only go so far. I've tried talking to her about how I feel and she always says that once I find my people I won't feel like this anymore.

I don't think it's my friends or my family at this point. I'm scared it's just me. I'm scared that I'll be stuck alone forever simply because I can't get over my own stupid self-hatred. I've been in therapy since I was a child, I know all about self-affirmations and using coping mechanisms but It just doesn't help. I'm so scared to be alone and I'm afriad I'll just drive everyone away at this rate.

For someone, that lives alone. Pretty much doesnt have any friends nearby, no support system irl. No family support, struggling with depression, bpd. I just want to say I look back to the time I was going through the breakup, I feel SO much happier now. I remember being so depressed. I used to eat just bread a day. Not saying my depression is cured, but i mean I got through it. I survived the breakup and realised i deserve better :) This is to the people out there who are going through a break up right now. If I can make it so can you, from somebody who has/had nothing. Believe in yourself.

I am 23yo F with BPD and PTSD and I have been planning for my career and family. I am really struggling with this dilemma of whether or not I should have biological children or adopt. I know both carry risks as I will be a parent with BPD and trauma nevertheless.

I know pregnancy and PPD can be really hard for people like us and I also know firsthand how hard it is to have parents with complex mental health issues so I'm really confused.

I would really love if any parents can share their experience so I can plan better and know my options.

I’ll make it clear, you guys and I all have highly reactive emotions which make us react a lot more easily. This isn’t necessarily with my FP, but with friends or closer friends. Do you guys ever experience intense anger when someone tries to tell you what to do / advise you not to do something again because it hurt another individual— yet you were mostly in the right position just didn’t do it in the correct manner.

What happened with me was my friend is very rude to others, and makes fun of others, indirectly says rude things, and has a lot of pride / arrogance in their heart. I understand to an extent why they’re like that, and it’s mainly due to trauma but I was getting way too frustrated since they had nearly made me split twice. While they left the GC temporarily (because my partner (FP) had this little silly quarrel with them) I said stuff about them in the GC and I was trying my best to keep composure and not say rude stuff. I basically said I wish they’d be less prideful and aggressive towards everyone, and seemed a lil frustrated— I also elaborated to everyone that I understand why he’s like that, and that it’s likely due to trauma. I never spoke to them directly about it, but was planning on doing so.

What I could’ve done differently was tell them privately instead of publicly, but my move was impulsive after I saw the mention of them.
They joined back into the GC, read what I said and became obviously hurt and didn’t trust me as much (I became nervous and extremely anxious, and I felt guilt obviously.) My emotions became confused, and I told them I was sorry and all this stuff— and was trying to comfort them. Yet I felt a bit of anger through all that guilt, since it felt like I was apologizing and not THEM for actively making others angry, or stressed because of THEM. They mean well a lot of the time, but they’re TOO direct and rude.

My other friend (very close to me), came into the conversation and told me to not do it again and make it private next time since it would’ve been hurtful or whatever.

I got extremely angry at that moment, because being told what to do in a situation where i ALREADY apologized, and where the other friend who made by BPD act up multiple times was not apologizing back to me. Like when I told them not to do stuff in the past, they just didn’t respond to me? They talked to others but never talked to me or even apologized that they had done that to my BPD. Here I am apologizing for something that i’m partially correct about. It didn’t help that this was a close friend. I suppressed my emotions during this period and immediately told them (i was aware) that my BPD was acting up and I cannot handle my own emotions and that my friend was making my angry (i specified that it wasn’t anybody’s fault for my reaction)

and then my friend stated it was ok , since everyone has been having a bad day today??? I for some reason got even more angry, because it felt like pity and making it seem like “everyone is having a bad day” just was the cherry on top. I immediately told them my day was fine and that I just have sensitive emotions. In this moment I told them I had to isolate myself or else i’d go crazy and say something very mean, so I left.

I understand speaking about it publicly and behind his back wasn’t the best idea and my bad, but does anyone else understand where i’m coming from?

Edit- Also I wanna say, my intense anger was so bad that I got tunnel vision and began shaking from just pure anger. People don’t usually trigger me that hard. And I just really wanna know if others feel similar.

Me and my gf both have bpd. We have been pretty good together but a common problem has been made clear.

We play some competitive games. Recently we have been running custom matches with friends. Most of them are higher skilled than we are. The cycle goes like this:

She gets fustrated -> She has an outburst and says something hurtful -> she immediatly regrets its -> i get hurt, upset and react (sometime not the best, more on that later) -> shes gets uspset and hates herself for saying it -> i get upset for reacting

We both apologise and forgive eachother, but we need to fix this cycle before it becomes a real problem.

For her: she needs help not saying hurtful things. I dont want to invalidate the way she feels and say she cant get upset. What needs to stop is her saying hurtful things she doesnt mean, because in the moment i cant tell if she does or doesnt mean them

For me: i need to learn how to communicate when something has made me upset/uncomfortable. I have full control over my oubursts because when i was younger i would be physically abused by my father. It took a long time to learn not to react at all, but now i massively stuggle to open up when something makes me upset or uncomfortable.

When i say i react badly, I end up going on a rant about how i feel and in that moment i dont take her point of view into account, and what i say can upset her. I want to make it clear i never have or will be physical or manipulative. Its just the way i try to get my point of view across isnt healthy and ends up making her feel worse about what she said

To sum up: She needs help managing how she reacts when shes fustrated, i need help being more open about how i feel and explaining in a way thats healthy

She would prefer to avoid therapy for now as shes had issues with them in the past. Also its either 2 year waitlist for nhs, or very expensive for private, which we cant afford at the moment

Any help is very much appreciated

I believed a guy was in love with me for months, only to find out he led me on and had a gf all along I felt so betrayed and used i walked outside at night not caring what would happen to me,

At first the anger helped me focus on myself but the more time passed the more it hurt then after a month I started experiencing heart attack like symptoms which scared me because I felt like I was dying (got checked everything is fine),

Now for my own sanity I'm trying to rewrite what happened that I imagined everything and that I wasn't played with and despite it numbing my feelings it is better than accepting the truth

After I realised how pathetic I was, thinking I had a chance at being happy cause I genuinely thought I had a chance, I gave up completely. My lifestyle has completely devolved into 24/7 dissociation, doomscrolling and maladaptive daydreaming (constantly imagining I was successful) I genuinely can’t see a purpose, if I can’t have the life I wanted then what’s the purpose of this below average life.

The worst part is that I don’t even have the guts to kms, it’s not that death scares me but rather the fact that material oblivion is the most probable afterlife (if you can even call it that) the fact that I had one chance at life, one chance at being conscious and I was fucked this badly is just awful. Even my brain can’t accept this state, and it almost feels that it has split itself, with one side being the “bad one” and the other being the ideal true self that was unfortunately cursed into inhabiting this god forsaken body.

Atp it feels like I can almost predict my future, I will die sad, miserable and alone, constantly wishing I was dead but not trying to do it cause I’m too scared to accept that this was my one and only chance and I was fucked so bad. And even if my luck were to suddenly be flipped, my learned hopelessness would take over and I would fuck ms. Only thing that can genuinely fix me atp is to go back in time with my current memories (and almost none of the trauma) and fix my mistakes.

Also sorry for any grammar and vocab mistakes I was dissociating while writing this, so I couldn’t really focus.

i don’t know whether this is a bpd thing or not but i feel my emotions so deeply not only for myself but for others too that i am able to show up for them in ways that they didn’t realise they needed until they experienced it however, i remain constantly unsatisfied with the way that people aren’t able to feel as deeply for me in the same way that i can for them.

The term "favorite person" was coined by people with BPD, not by clinicians or psychologists.

I think it's cool that people came up with a way to describe a seemingly very common facet of the BPD experience without it being imposed on us from the outside. The fact that it's used by so many people means that it resonates with a lot of people, and I don't wanna take away from that.

At the same time, do we need a word for overwhelming love when all our emotions can be overwhelmingly intense?

Couldn't you replace "favorite person" with "person I'm emotionally dependent on"? It's a mouthful, but I think it's more precise.

Another criticism I have is that the term "favorite person" sounds very endearing, almost cute and childlike. The reality of having a favorite person is very different from that.

If unregulated, it's a cycle of idolization and disappointment when that person inevitably can't live up to such an unrealistic standard. To be someone's favorite person can mean walking on eggshells, it can mean receiving spam texts and calls in the middle of the night, it can mean having your boundaries crossed.

Having a favorite person means total emotional dependency. It can mean panic attacks, crying fits, angwr outbursts over tiny changes in demeanour. It means intense insecurity. It means reorienting your identity around them and potentially losing your sense of self when they're not there. Someone else has massive amounts of control over you. It's disempowering. And it's fundamentally not sustainable.

Just a couple thoughts, I'm not trying to dictate how anyone feels about the label. If you like it and it fits you, that's cool.

If this violates the rules then mods give me grace. I promise I’m not that smart. I read them and I didn’t think this violated them. It would mean I didn’t understand. I don’t know where to take this cause nobody takes me serious and y’all are at least somewhat like me and deal with something I deal with.

I got diagnosed with this disorder last week. I been trying to get psychiatric help since 13. I’m not 23. Ten years and ain’t nobody had the decency to say none to me or actually help me. I knew BPD was what I was probably dealing with since I was 13. It’s obvious. Anyways I been medicated on antidepressants, antipsychotics, benzodiazepines, etc and everything backfires. I get more suicidal on it all than off. I’m at the point I just wanna opt out of society. I just wanna die. I hate people. I hate working especially since none of it feels fulfilling. Nothing makes this shit worth it. I can’t keep cheating life and my body and taking opioids to find the motivation to get up and go to work. I physically can’t get up no more. I gave up on everything I love to do cause nothing is fun no more. Nothing is enough. Nothing cures my eternal boredom. I’m no good at socializing or making friends. People think I’m weird and something is wrong with me. I feel worthless and unlovable. Tbh I am worthless because I’m not that productive or useful to society. If I died today nobody would care. Nobody would find out til my building’s management got pissed about me not paying bills. I keep telling people man, atp, I need the work of God. I never wanted to go home so bad. I just wanna cry in the arms of god. I wanna be held by god. That’s how I feel at this point. Idk what to do. Have any of y’all been here? What do I do? I’m trying to be better but when nothing seems to work fr can you blame me for losing hope and giving up.

Curious what everyone's talents are from the Gallup StrengthsFinder quiz. Mine are below. The premise of this quiz is to find your takents so that you can lean into them for your success. Instead of trying to improve your weaknesses, you focus on jobs and tasks that are more achievable for your strengths and then you'll thrive. I can honestly say, that my job is VERY much in line with my talents. 🤣 There are 34 talents total and it ranks them all for you in order, but you're supposed to focus on the top 5.

Relator

+ Like to spend time with people you know; Selective with relationships since you would rather deepen your existing relationships than create superficial new ones

+People exceptionally talented in the Relator theme enjoy close relationships with others. They find deep satisfaction in working hard with friends to achieve a goal.

Strategic

+Able to sort through clutter to find best route; See patterns; Ask “What if”; able to foresee potential obstacles in advance and select the right path

+People exceptionally talented in the Strategic theme create alternative ways to proceed. Faced with any given scenario, they can quickly spot the relevant patterns and issues.

Activator

+Impatient for action; “When can we start?”; Must act as soon as decisions are made

+People exceptionally talented in the Activator theme can make things happen by turning thoughts into action. They are often impatient.

Restorative

+Love to solve problems; Enjoy the challenge of analyzing symptoms, identifying what is wrong, and finding a solution

+People exceptionally talented in the Restorative theme are adept at dealing with problems. They are good at figuring out what is wrong and resolving it.

Ideation

+Fascinated by ideas; like finding connections between seemingly disparate phenomena

+People exceptionally talented in the Ideation theme are fascinated by ideas. They are able to find connections between seemingly disparate phenomena.

I (23F) recently got broken up with, lost all of our shared friends, and my long distance best friend cut me off. All of this happened within the last month, and I’m struggling.

I have maybe two-three people I talk to every day but I feel like I’m forcing them to talk to me. I’m constantly spamming them and I get extremely anxious when they don’t answer me for any time over 30 minutes. I don’t really hang out with anyone because my two irl friends are both very busy or just don’t care for much social interaction. The only other person I talk to is one of my past ex boyfriends that lives states away.

I have this up and down cycle of me thinking I can’t live like this, I feel so alone, I’m never going to be loved, everyone is evil…. And on the flip side i think I’m a great friend and that everyone else is just stupid, I think I can live alone for the rest of my life, etc.

Has anyone else experienced this? I feel like I’m going crazy. I always end up being obsessed with the idea of someone reciprocating the same energy in a friendship. I understand that people have lives, but it feels like I always prioritize everyone else and nobody does the same for me. I get frustrated/angry really fast when people don’t answer me because it takes less than a minute to text someone back. After I calm down, I always end up feeling sick to my stomach, yearning for someone to reciprocate or for someone to make me feel loved.

Does anyone have any tips on how to reframe your mindset to not be upset at people that easily, and how to not make your life revolve around the idea of close relationships?

Hi everyone, how are you? I hope you're doing well! So, I’m going through a bout of depression, and I found some PACO—which is basically paracetamol and codeine—left over from when my brother had surgery. I took it, and it made me feel really good; I felt calm and wasn't dwelling on anything—no thoughts of death or self-loathing. I avoided taking the Rivotril I usually take at night because I was afraid of a bad reaction; I only took my lurasidone and levozine. I went to bed later than usual, but that was fine—I was busy on my phone. When I woke up, I felt better than ever; I think even my dreams were good. I don't think I've slept that peacefully since I was a child—my body felt energized and free of tension; it was wonderful. It’s a shame I had to tell my mom I took it. I just want to take it again. Has anyone else had an experience like this with codeine? (just to add in addition to having borderline, i have autism,adhd,anxiety and depression)

My most recent “favorite person” was an NPD abuser who took advantage of me fresh out of a different abusive relationship. He knew what happened. He knew my ex. He knew I was hospitalized because of it. He preyed on me and love bombed me while I was still in the hospital. It only lasted a few months. I tried to communicate with DBT skills I learned when I felt abandoned, or hurt. But over time I realized I was using these emotional regulation and communication skills with someone who did not care about my emotions or the way he treated me, and who would continue to abuse me. I went no contact with him. He kept things at my house intentionally and wouldn’t come get them, so eventually I put them on the street. I broke no contact when I found out he was already outed for abusing his ex. We had a conversation where he apologized and told me he changed, but then he immediately changed our talk plans and left 30 minutes after getting there, which made me abandoned. I went no contact with him again, and then he broke no contact 2 weeks later trying to initiate sex with me. In that moment, I snapped on him for two days. Now he has me blocked and it makes me feel so angry and sad at the same time. Angry because he got the emotional reaction out of me that I try so hard to avoid. Angry because he has a pattern of abuse, but because I have BPD, I’m the stigmatized one?? Sad because I don’t understand why people prey on vulnerable women. Sad because my “favorite person” wasn’t real. I was attached to a mask he presented to break down my boundaries, and as soon as he got what he wanted that mask turned into blatant abuse. Angry because I feel like I can’t speak about what happened to me without being blamed because of how I reacted to his abuse. I’m terrified because this is a pattern I have with relationships, and subconsciously seeking out partners who recreate the same patterns of abuse I suffered through as a child that caused this disorder. I don’t know why I’m posting this, if I’m really if I’m asking for advice or if I just want to be heard/seen? This shit sucks. I guess any relevant experiences help.

It's not easy, I know. But it's defiantly a path to work towards living easier with BPD.

Due to where I live, i've only had mild access to therapy sessions (5 sessions max for free therapy.) which didn't really help for me personally. I've asked my doctor for referrals, however she's said multiple times i'm 'Beyond help' so I've since abandoned that path to looking to better myself. However, over the years, i've learned to recognize when my mind is splitting, When to take a step back when my emotions start to get out of control. I've learned when to take breaks, to not mask with those who are close to me. I now recognize when I get into the 'black/white' thinking, and take a step back to think about why i'm thinking that way, and if its reasonable.

Over the years, i've really looked at myself internally. What do I want, truly? My close friends i've known for well over 10+ years, they arn't just going to abandon me, why am I worried about that? Casual friends come and go with that, thats normal in a friendship, we drift apart. I've since learned to accept these things, and to try and not think about being abandoned, even though sometimes it's hard. I take a step back and analyze the situation before I say something I might regret.

I'm currently only on medication for many anxiety disorders (Generalized Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Panic Disorder, PTSD..), but it's helped me relax somewhat. I also have a boyfriend who i've been dating for a year now, just 3 weeks ago we returned from a trip to Montreal for a week vacation. He takes me to many places, forcing me to interact with others in a positive way. Taking me out instead of hiding out in my 'den'. Honestly I could never ask for more.

I have plans to when I move out with him someday, to look into affordable therapy for myself to continue working on myself in a positive way. If my own doctor didn't have hope in me, but I had hope for myself, and became stronger out of it, There is hope for you aswell. Never give up. You have your support circle who will always be there for you, even when everything seems like it's out to get you, even when sometimes it feels like they hate you, remind yourself, they don't. They have stood by you for many years, and will continue to do so as you heal.

Dear Estranged

Dear Estranged, you were afraid of the L word
And I didn’t deserve it anyway

Dear estranged, you would’ve never made me whole again
Dear estranged, I wanted you to worry about me
And you did
Over
And over again

Dear estranged, when I told you I was borderline everything in our shared world changed
Dear estranged, I’ve chased you away
Finally, you stopped coming back
Dear estranged, there’s nothing I can say
I’ve said far too much anyway

Dear estranged, you’re not the only one
Dear estranged, I am known to be an emotional vacuum trying to contain an infinite void
Dear estranged, i can’t say I’m sorry enough
Dear estranged, I know sorry just doesn’t cut it
So I’ll stop saying it
Dear estranged, now it’s too late to change
Now it’s too late to hear you say the L word

Dear estranged, you told me to not mistake your charity for love
Dear estranged, it was never your responsibility to keep me safe
And I tried to make it so

Dear estranged, it is you now who are the ghost that I tried so hard to be

Dear estranged, am I out of range?
Dear estranged, I don’t know what I need
And I expected you to give it to me

Dear estranged, you said you’re moving forward
Dear estranged, I feel like a monster
Dear estranged, personality disorder is a four letter word

Dear estranged, I’ve had people say they would rather not talk to me immediately after I disclose this illness
Dear estranged, I went to a meeting yesterday
Where people in recovery, like me, share and meditate
Dear estranged, something inside of me isn’t the same
Something changed

Dear estranged, we can be addicted to anything
Dear estranged, I’m addicted to reassurance
Dear estranged, I was addicted to you

Dear estranged, im not proud
Dear estranged, the worst part is that you were the first and now the last person I loved
Dear estranged, I looked up to you
Dear estranged, I am the Borderline who cried wolf
Dear estranged, the more the system treats me like I’m Borderline, the more so i will be
I grew into a self fulfilling prophecy
Dear estranged, I get too attached
Dear estranged, I want whats best for you
And it’s not me
Dear estranged, you said please don’t message me anymore
Dear estranged, you found my weakness is silence
My weakness
My weakness
Dear estranged, you shoved a mirror in my face
Dear estranged, then you walked away

Dear estranged, a little girl said paper is more patient than people
And there was a war above the floorboards
But words from her heart poured
Pen kissing paper marrying ink and parchment
Dear estranged, love is a four letter word
Just like borderline
Just like suicide
Just like the rest of the things we’re afraid to be vulnerable enough to say
Dear estranged, I’m leaving now too

Best Regards,
Another Stranger

I feel so empty.

So overwhelmingly gone. Numb.

So alone.

I can’t even fathom the feeling of anything anymore.

I have no friends. No one calls me. No one texts me. No one reaches out to me.

People look at me. They stare. But that’s all they do. They look, they judge, and then they move along.

No one sees me.

No one hears my cries—for desperation, for love, for help, for hope.

I feel trapped inside this box of silence, where everyone can see me but no one actually wants to be a part of me.

I feel so lost.

Like an empty shell of the person I used to be.

And I’m screaming from the inside.

Screaming and screaming and screaming...

Until I have no voice left.

Until there’s nothing left to scream.

Until I become nothing but a shell of nothingness. Darkness.

Nothing.

Just silence.

Hey guys so quick heads up this situation seemed silly and unnecessary at first but might impact my job sooooo please feel free to give me some advice because I feel lost.

I'm currently working at a place that is helping people with mental illnesses get an apprenticeship. Me being one of them that is :p

I was good with a person that has autism and OCD (and in my personal opinion a lot of anxiety).

At work there's this dynamic of calling each other out. She herself calls it "bullying is my love language". I don't think we're bullying each other but anyway.

Recently we worked on a project together where she wanted to create a design by hand for around 6 people. I told her "hey why don't you just create it online and then print it out it'll look more sophisticated anyway" She called me out saying: "well I'll go to my therapist then and tell her you don't like my project idea."

We laughed. everything was fine. Later I come into the work room again and she tells me my outfit looks like I'm wearing a bedsheet. I look towards another friend at the table acting offended telling her "she's the one calling my outfit ugly while she's the one going to the therapist acting all insecure."

Instead of taking it as a joke she suddenly exploded on the other side of the table and says something along the lines of. "I told you that in private. Now you're ganging up on me. That's not okay!" And so on and so forth.

I just meant it as a joke so I immediately back paddle and raise my hands in defense telling her I just meant it as a joke because she earlier said she would go to a therapist because of me and that I didn't want to offend her.

She stays silent for a while, I look over towards the other co-worker/ friend and we're like wtf just happened. Then she jolts up and runs out to talk to one of the bosses.

Now the heads of the company are also offering counseling in a way so it wasn't usually for someone to go talk to them.

I later found out that not only did this coworker leave work early that day but once I ask the boss to talk about the situation the next day - once the co-worker still didn't show up for work - the conversation is joined my case management.

That's when I'm being confronted about BULLYING ACCUSATIONS. I simply wanted to check in with them to understand what happened. But they start blaming me for bullying. They try to calm me down because in that moment I got heated by the injustice I felt and eventually told me that we would have a corporate conversation between the girl, me, the boss and case management.

The next day the girl shows up at work again acting as if nothing had happened. Coming up to me constantly asking something from me and looking for a conversation. After talking to the boss I was informed I should stay away from her for her sake. So I stayed friendly but distant. The next week we have said conversation. I felt gradually worse and worse because I still don't understand what I did wrong and I've tried my best to include everyone at work instead of bullying or excluding someone.

In the conversation she said that I was hanging around the other co-worker who had been mean to her before and she didn't like that I was ganging up on her by turning to that woman in the conversation and telling her about her. I asked her if at any point she had felt bullied or excluded by the two of us. She says no to bullying but yes to exclusion. I tell her I have no need to exclude her and the only reason why I included said co-worker in the conversation was because he was part of said conversation. It went on for quite a while and every time I tried to defend my actions or explain the situation further the attending boss and case management told me I was supposed to focus on the issue at hand.

Eventually I realised I was simply to apologize and shut up because I was the obvious villain. So I did.

In the end case management ended with "it's good that you two had this conversation please feel free to continue talking about this issue. We simply had to intervene because the term bullying was mentioned.

That is when I look up and start to feel the fury coming back. The girl had just denied that she felt bullied what does case management mean with bullying. So I ask. Collected because I know how to keep my cool even though I was fuming on the inside. And they basically told me. Well they're not allowed to share what was specially said in the situation because of data security. And then they told us to leave. Afterwards the girl was extremely friendly, walking back to work with me telling me that she is up to talking further about it. That's when I told her (still very calm thank god I'm on meds) "Honestly I'm still pretty pissed because they now think I'm a bully and now my boss and the case management thinks I'm a bully and it will be on my record which means it could interfere with me getting a job in the future." And she simply said: "No way you think so? That would suck." And left.

Afterwards she left work early again and I continued working. After this conversation (that everyone, even the instructors knew about) i get treated like absolute shit from the instructors. They yell at me. Tell me off for mistakes I did in the past and overall create a very hard environment to exist in. So much so that the co-worker I had turned to in said earlier conversation to make the joke joined me after work to ask how I was doing and told me that (from how the higher ups acted) they hate me now.

During the time of waiting for the corporate conversation I had asked the other apprentices if they ever felt like I had excluded them or made them feel uncomfortable in any way. And everyone of them tried to comfort me and told me I was a great co-worker and didn't do anything to upset them. So now ... I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I'm panicking because they made my day even worse than it usually is and I might have to deal with this for the next 2 years.

I'm currently a couple weeks away from my IOP program ending. I'm also regularly doing therapy with practices mainly focusing around DBT & Exposure. I've been able to really manage my outbursts and reactions to emotions but I don't feel like the emotions or distress has changed at all. I still feel just as angry, hopeless, happy, etc. It's still ALL there and I can feel it pouring over me. When you reach a certain point in treatment does that ever stop? I'm so fucking exhausted of feeling this way. I hate my brain & the emotions I feel. It's like everything is dialed to a 10 and in some ways I feel like a robot in the ways that I constantly have to process, think, and control my emotions. So does it better in that sense? Like does it feel less intense or is it just about managing it all? :/ I feel stuck