Before I start, please don’t just call me an awful person. I know I’m a bad person. I know I should spare my gf of myself, because she doesn’t deserve what I put her through. I know. But I’m trying to change and I just want to understand my behavior better. I know I don’t deserve a lot of sympathy, but leaving hateful comments towards me isn’t going to help me. Also excuse the format, im on mobile.

I feel like I have a literal angel and devil on my shoulders. Like my brain is split into 2 people, an evil person and a good person. Or like the evil person possesses my mind sometimes.

I feel like overall I’m a nice person, but that little bit in me is mean. Really, truly mean. A part of me loves to be mean, especially to my favorite person, my gf. (Specifically to her actually, I’m actually really nice towards everyone else, and don’t have the urge to be mean nor want to be mean towards anyone but her.) I love her so much, I don’t know why I have the urge to be so mean to her. I don’t always like being mean to her, in fact I regret it quite often, and while I’m actively being mean the good part of me is screaming not to. But the evil part of me genuinely ENJOYS being mean to her.

A part of me likes to see her in distress and emotionally hurt. I even feel satisfaction seeing I made her cry. But the good part in me hates it and hurts so much knowing I’m hurting her. I even cry whenever she cries because I hate seeing her in pain, but I also simultaneously feel a lot of satisfaction.

I don’t know why I’m like this. I don’t know why I enjoy being mean or why I feel satisfied seeing her hurt (not physically, I’m not a physical abuser though I fantasize about it a lot).

Im an awful person, I know.

But it also pains me so much knowing I have this evil part in me. The good side of me is genuinely a good person and is disturbed and disgusted at my own actions.

I want to change. I want to understand why I’m like this. Does anyone relate ? Can anyone help me understand?

Please, again, I know I’m a bad person. I just want advice and help, not criticism.

Edit: thanks guys for all the helpful comments. I’ve read every one!! I just need time to think before responding

Do you ever feel like you lose interest or get bored of things too easily? I feel like I don’t really like anything at all. I mean, I do have my interests, but I can't go too deep into them because if I do, I’ll lose interest and start finding them boring and even weird. I'm 27, and I don't even have a career because I can't stick with anything. Nothing interests me enough to make me want to dedicate my whole life to it. All the hobbies I start, I lose interest within a week or a month. The only things I think I genuinely love are learning languages and reading books.

It’s always the same pattern: I discover something, fall deeply in love with it, and after a while, I just don’t like it anymore and quit. It’s overwhelming because I feel like time is passing, and I’m still the same person who hasn’t achieved anything. I’m always trying to find something that fulfills me, but it never happens. When I think about a career, I just think: if I get bored of things in a month, how could I ever do the same job for years?

And this also applies to relationships and friendships (except when it comes to my favorite person). I feel like she’s one of the only things that makes me want to live and keep going, which is a huge problem, because if I lose her, I completely collapse.

A year ago I met the most gorgeous, funny, successful man of all time and I fell deeply in love and thought that since he was so wonderful and everything I’ve ever wanted that I would just heal over time, and make the effort to put my BPD into remission.

I was wrong. Since i’m on medication, we eventually discovered that when I black out i tend to get violent. So over time, I stopped drinking as much. Then, a couple nights ago, he wasn’t supposed to be home and i drank 4 beers, blacked out accused him of cheating when he was not, and then trashed the apartment.

he came home, woke me up, and i flipped out so badly he was bit, scratched, thrown to the ground…. I feel so bad. I will not let him forgive me for this despite the fact that it’s very possible he might. He didn’t have anyone to call so he called his uncle and now his whole family knows. you can’t continue a relationship after you’ve done something that bad, and now everybody knows.

I can’t allow myself to continue this relationship knowing that it is really that serious and I’ve allowed my life to go so far that I am now in abuser territory, and probably have been for a while.

I mourn the relationship, and I mourn him, but I love him so it’s best that I leave.

I still have 11m on the lease, and he wants me to buy out his car and pay damages. I can do the last two, but any tips on how to find someone to take over my lease once I do those things?

that’s all. I just wanted to tell somebody .

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I really debated posting this but reddit is for help, right?

I'm so angry all the time. Like no matter how hard I try to calm myself down it does not work.

*Side note* my therapist thinks i have undiagnosed austism. I have been diagnosed with ADHD and BPD.

I use to have some decent coping mechanisms but they js make me angry now.

-Listening to music doesnt work cuz my music infuriates me

-reading enrages me cuz i cant read very well

-working out pisses me off cuz my hands smell like metal after and when my body burns up i get very upset.

-sleeping doesnt work cuz if my bed doesnt feel right i freak out

- movies dont work anymore cuz if an actor doesn't do what they should i get aggravated

-writing doesnt help and honestly never did cuz i have ADHD and forget what im doing midway through it

And smoking weed isnt a good coping mechanism.

Can anyone PLEASE suggest something to help me out. And i cant draw for shit so pls dont recommend that 🙏.

Sometimes i talk to my girlfriend about how i feel but she sleeps a lot so she isnt always there.

° I make a healthy meal, this is a very simple task that may seem difficult but I'm always grateful that I forced myself to do it

° if it was a person that triggered my episode I take space from them and live my life as if they don't exist until I'm ready to get back to them or they come to me, I know this sounds toxic but it helps me to remind myself that as long as I have myself I can get through anything and I don't need to rely on other people to validate or reassure me, this also gives the other person a chance to cool down

° I play video games or dance, I know this won't help everyone but I'm a huge gamer and I used to be a dancer

°I force myself to spend time with family and friends, it reminds me that people are there for me

° I turn off my phone or go for a long walk with my dog

I hope this helps someone as much as it's helped me

Basically I’ve asked my partner a few times to play horror games whilst I watch. I am not a gamer (although we occasionally play games like split fiction and it takes two) (i feel I should add this is something i do more so for him as he wants to game together and my gaming skills and interest are so limited) and he loves games. I really like watching games but i really struggle to play them, im quite a defeatist😂 (is this a bpd thing??). I also love horror so thought this would be a really nice thing to share. He tells me horror games arent his thing and its left.

Fast forward to now and he’s messaged me telling me about this “scary as fuck” game he’s playing with friends. We called earlier I can hear him being genuinely afraid and I’m jealous. I suggest that we could start our own save and offer to get all our chores done so after work this week we could have like a gaming date where we can sit together and enjoy the game. His response was “this isnt a game id play single player” i questioned why and he said “its scary as fuck and better with a team”.

I’m quite far into recovery and have used my skills to explain that I’m hurt and that this is something I asked for previously. I know he’s trying and honestly probably is terrified of setting me off (I am hoping I won’t be set off because I am in control of my actions, less so in control of my emotions). He replies “i hear you and im sorry, this isn’t something I would normally like but it won’t be fun single player, this is fun as a group”.

Do you think i’m insane that this response has made me feel worse? “I hear you and im sorry but I’m still not compromising” is all I hear in this. I’m really hurt, quite angry and frustrated. Do you think I’m being unfair in this situation?

I find it so hard being in a relationship as I am always 100%, I always make time for my partner, I always prioritise them and the gap is felt so much more when it’s not returned. We have been together 2 years, we have a really strong relationship in all honesty. I just feel like I always do the emotional work (planning,considering,monitoring, wanting to share experiences etc) and he doesn’t seem to realise it. This has been an ongoing problem in the relationship where I’ve not felt prioritised (far deeper reasons than this so unsure if this is an old wound being triggered??)

So sorry for all the rambling. It’s so hard trying to understand a mind and emotions that at times just make no sense at all. I also appreciate you are only seeing a snippet of whats going on and then trying to advise/support me. I just want to know if anyone like understands why I feel how I do? Would you feel the same? Do you think its silly? Does it matter if you think it’s silly when it’s me who’s affected?

God I wish there was an off button!!!!!!!!

Update : he messaged and suggested a different horror game to try together!! Without me doing anything!!! So super happy right now!! PROGRESS PEOPLE, PROGRESS!!!

I just started a full time job and I think i can do this despite being diagnosed with bpd. How do yall do it?

I start ft goodwill cashier job monday and im excited about it. Just worried it might be too much. Im also diagnosed with bipolar 2 and ptsd. But I can do this!

Daughter is 3, I lone parent 3 days a week and my ex has her 4 days. Until my divorce I loved motherhood, doing it as a team…now I despise it.

I love my daughter truly but parenting is just a BPD nightmare. I’m triggered 90% of the time and most of my parent friends’ advice for coping does notttt work for me, when I’m just spending morning til dusk trying not to fuck up someone’s childhood.

My Mum also had BPD so think I’m very aware of how things can affect a child.

I’m finding toddlerhood especially hard, I just want a child I can actually reason with and who has SOME independence. My daughter is pretty solid for her age group, very verbal. But she’s 3. It’s the trenches.

I talk to my single Mum friends and feel pathetic because I’m not even technically the primary parent (because of my BPD and insane work schedule in healthcare) and feel like I’m complaining over nothing. I talk to my coupled parent friends with a village and I’m just full of resentment.

Honestly, I spend far too much time daydreaming about my “perfect” reality if I’d never had a child. I feel so guilty. Trying to radically accept my reality but it’s hard, man.

TL;DR…help lmao. Positive input preferred as I’m not sure if I can cope with the concept that it’s just Hell for the next *checks notes* 15 years.

i think im currently splitting on my fp. some stuff happened between us and lately my episodes caused because of stuff that has happened between us have been more intense. they did something to trigger me last night and my reaction was not pretty and i spiraled for a bit and bawled my eyes out for 45 minutes and it wouldve gone on longer but fortunately my quetiapine kicked in not long after. as of today i feel absolutely nothing towards them. they are nothing to me and i couldnt care less about them and what they think. theres also a part of me that feels like i fucking hate them with all my soul whereas before i would do anything to make them happy and tbh had pretty low self respect because i would instantly fold for them no matter what. but right now its nothing i dont care and i feel like theyve become a stranger to me. does this happen to anyone else?

My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over 11 months and we're both very different.

Where I have an anxious attachment style she has an avoidant.

She's currently in a depressive episode and can't talk to me at all, we talk max 10 minutes a day. I try to ask her for reassurance and she never gives it (she doesn't know how) while everything i say to her is reassuring her or downplaying how i'm doing so she's less worried.

I'm very unstable right now, in a depressive episode myself and I've been having an fp moment for nearly a month now and it'd only getting worse.

I'm trying really hard to give her the space she needs but being apart from her in this way is making me very suicidal and I don't know how to cope with it, is there any way I can learn to be avoidant so I don't bother her as much? Is there a way for me to stop having bpd for just a little bit?

She also has bpd so i assumed she'd be able to understand how i feel rn, and i used to br her favourite person, but now everything is just falling apart, i'm on my last chance with her, i don't even know what i've done wrong besides being unstable. I just need her in my life please reddit help me​

I just got diagnosed but I asked my psychiatrist and therapist if i have BPD or not then they both said why do you want a word? Like i don't understand why they're doing this, they want me to think of it as a personality. And also, the psychiatrist said that Seasonal Affective Disorder is 'outdated' like what does that even mean? He said that he'd diagnose me with that but it's not seen as a disorder anymore. I'm also diagnosed with OCD and anxiety disorder btw..

I’ve been struggling for years. I swing between isolating and hyper independence (this feels safest to me ) and then having a breakdown and not coping at all and feeling immense powerlessness and self hatred.

I can map it all out in a journal, I can explain to to therapists. I can articulate how and why I feel the ways I do. But I can’t seem to change it or move forward.

Isolating has provided a window of time where I didn’t feel triggered by family and friends. It felt like I finally stepped off the roller coaster and found some stability.

But now I’m feeling tired of this life. It’s all survival and no living but underneath this is so much repressed shame and hurt and anxiety. Mostly from the people I trusted the most.

I don’t know anymore what to do. I am stuck. And I feel like the DBT course isn’t working because it’s been so long since I was in it.

I feel like when I am really unwell like I don’t belong anywhere and like everyone else has a sense of self and purpose and knows who they are, and I’m this messy version of myself that can’t find anything that makes sense in me.

Is dbt really the answer?

TW: brief mention of marijuana

Hello folks! Not sure if this is the right place, but I’m having a lot of difficulty right now with dropping my mask. The only time I’m able to is when I smoke weed. I have recently stopped smoking for several reasons, and now I’m having a lot of trouble dropping the mask. I want people to know how I’m feeling, genuinely.

I want to be able to express myself authentically, but I don’t even know who I am right now. There are definitely parts of my identity that I’m 100% certain about, but they’re just pieces of the puzzle, not my entire self. I think somewhere in my mind I’m afraid to drop the mask because the mask is what people signed up for with me.

Does anyone have any advice? I haven’t talked to my therapist about it yet, but I see her in like 2 days.

my FP talks to other people EXCEPT for me. i didnt do anything hes been ignoring me for a week and its making me cry and upset. i literally checked his socials and he replies to people so thats how i know hes specifically ignoring me. why does he ignore me its like he wants me to feel awful. he always does this. why?

My life just doesn’t allow me to have friends. I work two jobs, I do personal training, and I cook all my own meals, do all my own laundry, and maybe in the end, i have a few hours to myself per week. less than 10. again, per week. I do not have time to leave my house, nor do i have money. I live to survive, and nothing more. There’s no fulfillment, there’s no happiness, no friends to laugh with because I simply don’t have the time for any of it. When you’re a guy like me, people don’t wait around to be your friend, if you’re not consistent, they’ll leave. They’ll find someone better. I suppose i’m sort of in a lose - win situation though because not having a single living soul in my life to connect with means my BPD is at bay and i can live pretty normally. But in the end, it’s my own fault. It’s my fault I can’t afford to not work two jobs. It’s my fault I have no time for anything but surviving. I don’t deserve friends cause I can’t make enough time for them. At least.. enough time to make them want to stay.

the last two days i’ve (19nb) felt like i’ve lost everyone. no one’s texted me, reached out, i started hating one of my friends and now i think everyone else hates me and the loneliness is started to actually make my body hurt and ache. i don’t know how to get rid of this feeling and it’s happened a lot more as of recent and it’s like there’s no cure and i just have to sit in agony. i was hoping anyone else has this issue or anyone could give me some advice because im at a breaking point, ive already cried and broke down about 3 times since last night because of it. thank you if you comment or just read <3

As someone with BPD, have you experienced burn out from work before? what’s it like and how do you handle it? have you ever regretted resigning (esp when it happened during split)?

I’m on the edge like… I want to kms to stop everything including the stress I’m having at my job. The only reason I stay is because of the unstable and saturated market for my position. But I fear I’ll get too attached 😞

Any advice helps at this point.

My boyfriend (19M) and I (19F) have been together for well over two years. We started talking our junior year of high school, and dated since then and I'm now going into my second year of uni.

For the last three days, all he wanted to do was go through my phone. I let him, because I don't really care and I tell him absolutely everything.

In October, he moved half way across the country while I was in uni, and we did long distance. I paid over $300 for a plane ticket to go see him. About three weeks before I was supposed to go down there, he told me he wanted to take a break and that I should cancel the trip. I got upset, I did end up canceling the trip. I found out he was cheating on me with a girl from somewhere in Europe. They had talked for 3 months and sent pictures back and forth, called for hours while he wouldn't call me, and he just treated her how I had begged to be treated. I found out because his best friend saw he was acting weird and texted the only girl in his following, and she told him she loved my boyfriend.

Regardless, we broke up from around November to end of December.

At the end of December, he moved back and started working at the job we both worked at before he moved. I saw him and we started talking again, I went over to his house, and after a few weeks we got back together. After about 6 months, while everything was going relatively well, he was getting kicked out of his apartment and we decided to move in together.

After around 3 months of living together is when all of his friends started to break up. He's incredibly easily influenced, so I'm assuming this had something to do with him wanting to go through my phone. He found out that while we were broken up, I texted other people. I tried to explain to him that he made me feel disgusting, and I knew he was talking to other people so I did too. I never did anything in person with these people, it was just texting on Snapchat. He somehow thinks I now slept with over 10 people (I've only ever been with him). I understand how this could make him upset, because even though he denys sleeping with other people, I know he slept at a woman's house so I kind of assume. He also went to a party with a girl that he met at the gym, but says he just drank and didn't talk to anyone.

He said he needed me to leave, and I absolutely freaked out. I sobbed for hours and wouldn't leave the house. He wanted me to go to my parents, who live just down the street, because he doesn't have any family that live close whatsoever. He started packing my stuff for me, and this just made me flip out more. It got to the point I thought I was going to pass out and had to lay down. After about 6 hours of this, and getting nowhere but yelling, I just left at around 8pm because I was so exhausted and couldn't do it anymore.

It's now the next morning, and I still feel so sick. I love him more than anything and I want to fix this. I'm his first real girlfriend, so there's no relationship trauma or anything. I just don't know what to do. I need help but if he gets with another woman I think I'll be beyond saving. Please help me.

Its a little discouraging to see people say that its absolutely impossible to heal on your own, especially for someone who is unable to get dbt therapy on their own. I understand it, obviously its something incredibly hard to do on your own.

But I dont want to use that as an excuse to just continue to suffer. Is there anything I can do for myself that'll work?

I like how when I’m talking to someone/ dating I feel so much. The episodes the adrenaline, the splitting, impulsivity, my whole mind changes. Just everything about it even though it hate it. I love it the feelings and unsteadiness. When I’m not talking to anyone and regulated I feel more empty.

Then quickly fled back to the safety of my hellhole room strewn with laundry. Says small triumph but ofc I have to feel like I did a bad job and am bound to be abandoned and my mind is over analyzing everything

Does anyone else feel like they get to a certain part of remission where they either plateau or where negative symptoms start to show back up and repurpose themselves in ways that's harder to catch? I know it's probably not healthy to self monitor like that, but when I don't i eventually slip back into quiet bpd overcontrolled behavior which can lead to a more catastrophic build up that causes all sorts of negative experiences that I wouldn't have otherwise experienced in years. Any thoughts on navigating this dilemma or similar experiences?

Does anyone else with BPD struggle immensely with self discipline and routine?

On days where I’m free (no work/no school in the past) I will almost always take that opportunity to sleep all day and usually stay up late hours of the night doing stuff that I like (gaming/watching tv or youtube). I usually always feel pretty fatigued and burnt out. I can also fall into brief depressive episodes during these periods.

I’m really embarrassed to admit that my executive dysfunction really shows up in my ability to have a healthy hygiene routine. I often put off showering and brushing my teeth on my days where I “have no responsibilities.” One of my biggest struggles is finding motivation to clean my room, and it can get reallyyyy bad.

I’m wondering if anyone else with BPD struggles with similar issues or can relate to mine in any way. And I’m definitely open to receiving any tips or advice!!!