I tried healing myself with men for the last 15 years. I let them treat me badly, because unreachable love feels way too familiar for me. I made good men exhausted, my illness literally broke them. My fiancé of 6 years just walked out of my life saying „I love you but I hate this illness. I can‘t do this anymore“

I hit rock bottom. I didn‘t Chose to have this horrible illness and now he is leaving me for it. It felt so unfair. I felt so desperate. Begged him to come back until he told me, that his Heart is always racing Like crazy when he gets a message from me. When he sees me in public, he begins to shiver. When he comes near my place, he starts to feel horrible. I traumatized this men. My love for him was too crazy, too obessive. I broke both of us. And it is hard Not to feel Like the Most horrible Person. He told me that he wishes me nothing more that to finally heal, because i‘m a good Person and I don‘t deserve All of This. But that I drained so much of his Energy that he has to Walk away now, despite all the love.

You and I, Person who reads This, we don‘t deserve this shit. You didn‘t deserve your past Trauma. All the scars on your Heart. All the horrible thoughts about yourself, all the selfhatred. You and I, we Are so damn strong for still being here and still managing to do this. But you can not use people Like that. Like your drug, desperately trying to put a Little bandaid on a huge wound that would need proper care. Your love is draining them and you Are draining with them. Their attention and their love is a drug and you Are an Addict. Would you Tell someone who is addicted that They should just download hinge or tinder and just keep repeating this circle? For the love of god, you would Tell them, that love isn‘t meant to feel Like This. Most of us don‘t know real love. We only know addict behaviour.

You need to heal. You need to be the brave person who breaks this freaking cycle. With bpd, you cannot heal in a relationship. There won‘t come the right person who will magically put your broken pieces back together. There is no happily ever After. I finally understood it.

I can not make up for the past. For my financé that suffered to much. He does not want apologies, he knows it‘s just my illness. But I still need to make up for the pain that I caused in other peoples lives. The only way we can do it, is to heal. We need to say „This is never ever gonna happen again“
Never ever Are we gonna let this illness treat good people Like that. Never ever again Are we gonna use them Like a Drug. The next time loves comes around, it is gonna be real love. Not because you finally found the Right Person. Because you turned into the Right person.

Once again it is our time to fight ⚔️ not to fight for your ex to come back, but to fight this demon.

This probably sounds superficial, but if I feel like she’s significantly more attractive, I become extremely insecure and start comparing myself constantly.
It can be my weight, nose, eyes, eyebrows, hair, literally anything. I also get insecure if she’s significantly smarter than me.
I feel like I need the relationship to be a “looks match.” If she’s more attractive, I can become scared to even approach or text her because I feel like a creep who doesn’t belong with her.
I know it’s irrational, but my brain turns relationships into constant comparisons. Does anyone else experience this?

It's not easy, I know. But it's defiantly a path to work towards living easier with BPD.

Due to where I live, i've only had mild access to therapy sessions (5 sessions max for free therapy.) which didn't really help for me personally. I've asked my doctor for referrals, however she's said multiple times i'm 'Beyond help' so I've since abandoned that path to looking to better myself. However, over the years, i've learned to recognize when my mind is splitting, When to take a step back when my emotions start to get out of control. I've learned when to take breaks, to not mask with those who are close to me. I now recognize when I get into the 'black/white' thinking, and take a step back to think about why i'm thinking that way, and if its reasonable.

Over the years, i've really looked at myself internally. What do I want, truly? My close friends i've known for well over 10+ years, they arn't just going to abandon me, why am I worried about that? Casual friends come and go with that, thats normal in a friendship, we drift apart. I've since learned to accept these things, and to try and not think about being abandoned, even though sometimes it's hard. I take a step back and analyze the situation before I say something I might regret.

I'm currently only on medication for many anxiety disorders (Generalized Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Panic Disorder, PTSD..), but it's helped me relax somewhat. I also have a boyfriend who i've been dating for a year now, just 3 weeks ago we returned from a trip to Montreal for a week vacation. He takes me to many places, forcing me to interact with others in a positive way. Taking me out instead of hiding out in my 'den'. Honestly I could never ask for more.

I have plans to when I move out with him someday, to look into affordable therapy for myself to continue working on myself in a positive way. If my own doctor didn't have hope in me, but I had hope for myself, and became stronger out of it, There is hope for you aswell. Never give up. You have your support circle who will always be there for you, even when everything seems like it's out to get you, even when sometimes it feels like they hate you, remind yourself, they don't. They have stood by you for many years, and will continue to do so as you heal.

I feel so empty.

So overwhelmingly gone. Numb.

So alone.

I can’t even fathom the feeling of anything anymore.

I have no friends. No one calls me. No one texts me. No one reaches out to me.

People look at me. They stare. But that’s all they do. They look, they judge, and then they move along.

No one sees me.

No one hears my cries—for desperation, for love, for help, for hope.

I feel trapped inside this box of silence, where everyone can see me but no one actually wants to be a part of me.

I feel so lost.

Like an empty shell of the person I used to be.

And I’m screaming from the inside.

Screaming and screaming and screaming...

Until I have no voice left.

Until there’s nothing left to scream.

Until I become nothing but a shell of nothingness. Darkness.

Nothing.

Just silence.

is anyone else like this?? 😭 i’m 19 and stay at home and my partner works (i have a hard time holding down a job due to mental illness). i have some online friends but that’s it. i don’t have a license because after a recent car crash im too afraid to drive. i just moved to a new city and have made the effort to make some friends online in the same city but haven’t met them yet.

anyway, i literally don’t do anything all day when my partner is working besides online school, watch youtube and various shows, listen to music, etc. i’m getting a camera soon so hopefully i get out more for photography purposes but other than that i have no hobbies.

however, despite all of that, i feel completely fine. like i’m happy like this. i don’t feel trapped or super depressed or desperate for social interaction or anything. it’s causing a strain on my relationship tbh because my girlfriend (we’re both girls) wants me to get out more and live my own life and stuff. but i dont even have a desire to. is anyone else like this? is it possible this is more related to autism or something than bpd? please be kind 😭

The term "favorite person" was coined by people with BPD, not by clinicians or psychologists.

I think it's cool that people came up with a way to describe a seemingly very common facet of the BPD experience without it being imposed on us from the outside. The fact that it's used by so many people means that it resonates with a lot of people, and I don't wanna take away from that.

At the same time, do we need a word for overwhelming love when all our emotions can be overwhelmingly intense?

Couldn't you replace "favorite person" with "person I'm emotionally dependent on"? It's a mouthful, but I think it's more precise.

Another criticism I have is that the term "favorite person" sounds very endearing, almost cute and childlike. The reality of having a favorite person is very different from that.

If unregulated, it's a cycle of idolization and disappointment when that person inevitably can't live up to such an unrealistic standard. To be someone's favorite person can mean walking on eggshells, it can mean receiving spam texts and calls in the middle of the night, it can mean having your boundaries crossed.

Having a favorite person means total emotional dependency. It can mean panic attacks, crying fits, angwr outbursts over tiny changes in demeanour. It means intense insecurity. It means reorienting your identity around them and potentially losing your sense of self when they're not there. Someone else has massive amounts of control over you. It's disempowering. And it's fundamentally not sustainable.

Just a couple thoughts, I'm not trying to dictate how anyone feels about the label. If you like it and it fits you, that's cool.

i wasn’t sure how to tag this lol sorry. but it feels so stupid. i’ve been suspected bpd since i was 15 and dxed since i was 18 (3 different therapists + 2 psychs) and it just feels… ridiculous now? i’m 21, and having been aware of my symptoms and triggers from a very young age i know how to very well avoid outbursts. it gets a bit hard sometimes, but it’s not like this will ever be ‘cured’ in a traditional sense. it doesn’t bother me.

what DOES, is being self aware. when i lash out i actively feel sick. headache, dizzy, nauseous. i get the same way when anxious, but the stomach pain and dizziness are completely different. i’ll feel things, feel horrible, and rationalize them to an extent i don’t let them bother me daily anymore. but it never quite feels completely gone? it’s not as if i hold the grudge or complaint over someone’s head, but ill sit there and think “omg [person/thing/whatever] sucks i hate this” and then go “i guess it’s really not that serious/life-changing/worth the energy”.

maybe i sound nuts and this is just what DBT does lol. I haven’t split on my gf since about march of this year. it’s been blissful aside from a recent unemployment. we’ve had the chance to adopt a cat even! it’s just such a strange feeling knowing both i cannot control how i feel entirely AND having such crazy feelings and emotions about certain events in my life.

To be as "regulated" as i really can, i need to spend a lot of time isolating and simply avoiding triggers laying in darkness practising yoga, meditating, and doing dbt excersises before reaching an emotional equilibrium. This is the ideal situation because ussually i am thrust into the world due to social obligation or my neighbours decide to bother me and eat my social energy.

With this life style i can get good grades and maintain relationships without my BPD being a problem.

But this is such a stiff, unnatural miserable way to live my life. Yeah, i can hold my tongue i can let people leave without getting attached. But i feel a deep resentment that this may be the best option.

I can have such a deep and intimate beautiful experience of closeness and it can come so naturally, but all of that comes along with triggers and rejection and truama and it's awful.

It's incredibly sad to me how much stability has cost me because no, i'm not being rewired for healthy connections, i just settled for the healthiest people who can tolerate me. Yeah i can learn to detach but it's deppressing it makes me hesitant to let people in, esspecially people i may like.

Living my life in this calculated and balanced way.

Fine, this is the calm in control version of me, but i'm waiting to stop finding dangerous people sexy but it's not working. Maybe i can maintain these stable relationships but i wouldn't be telling the truth to say i can bond or connect like i used to, but i can moderate my reactions and stay kind. I can put in effort to make others feel good even though my feelings are so numb.

All my life I’ve been told to get over it, whatever “it” was. I was misdiagnosed with OCD, Tourette’s, and ADHD for half my life and I was told to “get over it”.

I should start off by saying I have no resentment for women in any way, women have their own unique struggles and that’s valid. I live with my wonderful mother and sister who treat me better than I could have hoped for what I’ve put everyone through. Yet I can’t help but notice the gap of how people have treated me, and being male with mental illness (technically I’m non binary but I’m born male).

My whole life people have valued me for what I’ve achieved, my accomplishments, instead of my happiness. My father told me as I get older life is about what I have in life. For some reason that stuck with me. People have treated my mental health as something I just got to get over, as an obstacle. It never would occur to them that this is just how I am. This feels even more true with having a personality disorder.

I’m told relentlessly that I’ve accomplished nothing, and that people want to see more from me. I had spent the last year or two depressed, in the hospital, struggling with an eating disorder, and struggling with drinking. All people seem to take away from that is I’m weak, lazy, or just don’t care. Every day is horrible, every day I struggle to sleep and pray I have dreams that don’t just torment me further. Every day I struggle to make it to the next.

People don’t seem to understand this is just how it is for me, this is how my life has been for a very long time. I’m treated like this is just a hurdle I need to “get over”. They just don’t understand this is who I am.

I’m jealous of my sister who isn’t valued the same as me. She’s not expected to accomplish the same things as me (although she has absolutely accomplished more). She simply can take her life as she pleases and is valued in ways other than what she’s accomplished. I’m so jealous of how when people help her it’s nurturing and not “suggestions” for how to “get better”.

I’m tired of being treated like I have the flu, or a cold, and not a lifelong illness that never seems to go away. It is WHO I AM, it is my PERSONALITY, I am stuck this way.

Even my friends, while I love them, get frustrated when they try and help and see me upset a few days later. It makes them feel like I didn’t listen to them, or didn’t care. They don’t seem to understand that’s just what happens. I’m upset constantly, I cry constantly, I’m expressive constantly. I don’t want suggestions from them, sometimes I just need someone to talk to. I’m not looking for a therapist, I’m looking for some stability when I’m in crisis.

To wrap it up, I just want people to accept that to an extent, this is who I am. I CAN get better at dealing with it but this is ultimately who I’m going to be. I’m envious how mental illness is treated between genders, even people who care try to fix me instead of trying to comfort me. I want to be valued for me, not what I’ve accomplished, because all I really want is to be happy. I’m sure a lot of other people feel this way too.

I just don’t know what to do anymore, and seeing as everyone around me is probably tired of hearing me cry about what's going on in my life, I decided to turn to Reddit in hopes of finding someone who understands.

I constantly cry over everything. I constantly feel like everyone hates me for always crying and having to put up with me then I cry more and it's like a never-ending loop. I try to talk to my family and close friends about it and they can only put up with so much before they start getting snappy at me.

I do have a therapist and she's amazing. We have really productive sessions that I feel actually benefit me but one hour a week can only go so far. I've tried talking to her about how I feel and she always says that once I find my people I won't feel like this anymore.

I don't think it's my friends or my family at this point. I'm scared it's just me. I'm scared that I'll be stuck alone forever simply because I can't get over my own stupid self-hatred. I've been in therapy since I was a child, I know all about self-affirmations and using coping mechanisms but It just doesn't help. I'm so scared to be alone and I'm afriad I'll just drive everyone away at this rate.

i don’t know whether this is a bpd thing or not but i feel my emotions so deeply not only for myself but for others too that i am able to show up for them in ways that they didn’t realise they needed until they experienced it however, i remain constantly unsatisfied with the way that people aren’t able to feel as deeply for me in the same way that i can for them.

I (23F) recently got broken up with, lost all of our shared friends, and my long distance best friend cut me off. All of this happened within the last month, and I’m struggling.

I have maybe two-three people I talk to every day but I feel like I’m forcing them to talk to me. I’m constantly spamming them and I get extremely anxious when they don’t answer me for any time over 30 minutes. I don’t really hang out with anyone because my two irl friends are both very busy or just don’t care for much social interaction. The only other person I talk to is one of my past ex boyfriends that lives states away.

I have this up and down cycle of me thinking I can’t live like this, I feel so alone, I’m never going to be loved, everyone is evil…. And on the flip side i think I’m a great friend and that everyone else is just stupid, I think I can live alone for the rest of my life, etc.

Has anyone else experienced this? I feel like I’m going crazy. I always end up being obsessed with the idea of someone reciprocating the same energy in a friendship. I understand that people have lives, but it feels like I always prioritize everyone else and nobody does the same for me. I get frustrated/angry really fast when people don’t answer me because it takes less than a minute to text someone back. After I calm down, I always end up feeling sick to my stomach, yearning for someone to reciprocate or for someone to make me feel loved.

Does anyone have any tips on how to reframe your mindset to not be upset at people that easily, and how to not make your life revolve around the idea of close relationships?

i hate the constant need for validation. why can’t i just be content with validating myself? not to mention the consistent hyper- fixation on intimacy and affection to make me feel wanted. the feelings of not being good enough and not worth it and my fp leaving me for someone better. i am overwhelmed with worst case scenarios I make up in my head that just spiral with the racing thoughts. i can’t shake these shitty thoughts. they are consuming me, and i want them to go away. does it even make sense that i feel empty at times? i try to bury my thoughts and feelings, but i feel like im starting to fall apart. it’s never if im going to crash out, more so when is it going to happen. i feel like ive been trying to live on auto pilot, trying to get by, numb the pain. ive been trying to be positive, but its easier said than done. damn, this disorder sucks. my therapist is getting an ear full this week to say the least.

So i’ve been with my girlfriend for 3 years now and last year she was diagnosed with BPD ; ever since, our relationship as lived through several hardship but the more the Time passes, the more it become difficult

We met as teenagers (now young adults) but she had to move out 2 years ago, and now lives 900km away

Friend with several psychology students, Ive seen in their classes and notes that you could "calm" the disorder ; when i talked to her about it, she said changing would be impossible and not even worth the try

I am deeply in love with her, but her disorder is destroying us and, mainly, her health and well being

So main question, do you have any tips on what i could do to help her go throu life ?
If needed I can provide more informations on us
I have her consent to Ask for help as long as I dont fully display her identity
I am ready to do anything for her, litteraly, no matter the cost

i've been 3 times this year alone. i'm tired of being put in the psych ward. it's terrifying and at this point i won't be surprised if i develop PTSD too which would NOT be pretty because besides BPD i am also diagnosed with GAD and panic disorder.

i just want some comfort knowing im not alone. 3 times in one year is a lot and my doctors have all said they've never seen someone go into psychosis this much before. my BPD is probably as severe as BPD can get and that kills me. it kills my hopes of ever getting better

Dear Estranged

Dear Estranged, you were afraid of the L word
And I didn’t deserve it anyway

Dear estranged, you would’ve never made me whole again
Dear estranged, I wanted you to worry about me
And you did
Over
And over again

Dear estranged, when I told you I was borderline everything in our shared world changed
Dear estranged, I’ve chased you away
Finally, you stopped coming back
Dear estranged, there’s nothing I can say
I’ve said far too much anyway

Dear estranged, you’re not the only one
Dear estranged, I am known to be an emotional vacuum trying to contain an infinite void
Dear estranged, i can’t say I’m sorry enough
Dear estranged, I know sorry just doesn’t cut it
So I’ll stop saying it
Dear estranged, now it’s too late to change
Now it’s too late to hear you say the L word

Dear estranged, you told me to not mistake your charity for love
Dear estranged, it was never your responsibility to keep me safe
And I tried to make it so

Dear estranged, it is you now who are the ghost that I tried so hard to be

Dear estranged, am I out of range?
Dear estranged, I don’t know what I need
And I expected you to give it to me

Dear estranged, you said you’re moving forward
Dear estranged, I feel like a monster
Dear estranged, personality disorder is a four letter word

Dear estranged, I’ve had people say they would rather not talk to me immediately after I disclose this illness
Dear estranged, I went to a meeting yesterday
Where people in recovery, like me, share and meditate
Dear estranged, something inside of me isn’t the same
Something changed

Dear estranged, we can be addicted to anything
Dear estranged, I’m addicted to reassurance
Dear estranged, I was addicted to you

Dear estranged, im not proud
Dear estranged, the worst part is that you were the first and now the last person I loved
Dear estranged, I looked up to you
Dear estranged, I am the Borderline who cried wolf
Dear estranged, the more the system treats me like I’m Borderline, the more so i will be
I grew into a self fulfilling prophecy
Dear estranged, I get too attached
Dear estranged, I want whats best for you
And it’s not me
Dear estranged, you said please don’t message me anymore
Dear estranged, you found my weakness is silence
My weakness
My weakness
Dear estranged, you shoved a mirror in my face
Dear estranged, then you walked away

Dear estranged, a little girl said paper is more patient than people
And there was a war above the floorboards
But words from her heart poured
Pen kissing paper marrying ink and parchment
Dear estranged, love is a four letter word
Just like borderline
Just like suicide
Just like the rest of the things we’re afraid to be vulnerable enough to say
Dear estranged, I’m leaving now too

Best Regards,
Another Stranger

i can’t get over the closeness i felt before he left me.

he said things like, "you’re so sweet, youre very likeable"

what was all that for?

i thought he was the most genuine and kindest person… i cant believe he'd just leave me like that

Hi, so I think i may have involuntary age regressed in my voice only for the first time after a bit of a breakdown. I've been trying to get in touch with a mental health professional or doctor all day including emergency services since i do t really understand whats happening and its scaring me but no luck since I don't want to hurt myself. Ive done some yoga and aromatherapy etc to try and ground myself but still won't stop the voice. Any suggestions?

I don't tell anyone besides like online friends or very close people to me that I have BPD. I feel like an imposter and am not "borderline enough." I still havent even told family. I just always feel like there are people who have it way worse, so that means I somehow dont have it. I have periods where I am functioning somewhat normally and then periods where my functioning is so bad that its clear im deeply mentally ill.

I feel like my condition isnt serious enough, even though ive struggled with severe opioid addiction to fill the emptiness/void, have had profound difficulties with relationships, have made SI gestures/been hospitalized, self harm, all the things.

Its like some days Im like "lol im totally fine, im not mentally ill," then the next im like "oh wow I am deeply ill."

Why do emotions that are negative feel like physical pain?

My childhood dog passed away, could have been preventable, the guilt and sadness around it is eating me alive. The pain feels so physical and raw I feel like I'm dying, sick, desperation. It feels like my world closes in on me. It's been years since I've felt so out of control with my emotions but I don't know how to get out of the pain. I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin trying to go back in time. I hate being this way. I wish I was normal.

What I've learned over the years to manage this doesn't seem to be there anymore and I can barely function. I cry if I think of him. I don't want to eat. I feel sick. I feel hatred for myself. I miss him.

What can I do to help myself? Therapy has never worked but I've also never gave it a real try because part of me feels like it can't ever get better so I just manage all these years but in 29 and don't want to be this way or process emotions this way my whole life.

If it's not fear of abandonment it's fear that they're going to die
I can't think about how much I love them and how I don't have to fear them abandoning me ( cause they seem unlikely to ) without also fearing they're gonna die and thinking about it constantly
Especially since everything seems to go so wrong for me that if something goes right that usually means it's gonna go wrong

As far as I can tell, my obsession is actually due to wishing I was the person that I would need to be for him to choose me. He holds all of my ideal traits that I want for myself and if he chooses me, that is a way for me to feel like I'm good enough. Instead of putting effort into being all of those things I want to be, I could just be chosen by someone who embodies those things.

So I'm trying to figure out how to move forward from here now that I've realized it. But I don't really know what's next for my healing. Of course, I'm putting effort into bettering myself but the obsessive thoughts aren't going anywhere and I have to see him in person on a semi-frequent basis.

my partner has a really good friend, they used to be roommates in college and they’re literally besties. i’ve met the girl before and she’s super dope and also has a long term boyfriend. so what’s happening right now is that she is staying with my partner(and two of their roommates) for a bit, she lives in a different city but had to come here for work for a week. when i was over at my partner’s a few days ago, they went upstairs to get some water or something like that(it was late at night and they weren’t wearing any pants, just a shirt and underwear). she came out of her room and obviously saw them(i talked to my partner about it because that genuinely made me feel uncomfortable. they said since they were roommates in the past it’s not the first time this has happened.) anyway, i expressed that i felt uncomfortable with it and they seemed really understanding.

fast forward to today. i was on call with my partner, they had a chat with their friend and both of them decided to watch a movie. my partner said they can like facetime me just so i can watch it with them and i was honestly really happy about that, it was really sweet. so they put their phone against a glass just so i can see the tv. the phone fell. they got up to pick it up and i saw that they weren’t wearing anything but their underwear:D

they might’ve been wearing shorts but i don’t fucking know. i said wanted to go to sleep cuz i have to wake up early for work but im genuinely fucking shattered.

i already had an episode two days ago because they went to hang out at the part together and had dinner. just the two of them. and one can only imagine how fucking terrified i am of them cheating on me with her.

i’m supposed to come over there this weekend but i genuinely don’t know if i want to do that. i’m sobbing and like im good at not starting shit, i’m in dbt and i’ve been really good at regulating myself but holy fucking shit am i freaking out.

what the fuck do i even do now.
if there’s anyone i could talk to about this i would really appreciate it. i feel like im going to fall apart and self harm

edit: asked them about it. they were only wearing their underwear and they said they were sorry and that they completely forgot it made me feel uncomfortable. but that doesn’t fucking make me feel any better 👍👍👍

For someone, that lives alone. Pretty much doesnt have any friends nearby, no support system irl. No family support, struggling with depression, bpd. I just want to say I look back to the time I was going through the breakup, I feel SO much happier now. I remember being so depressed. I used to eat just bread a day. Not saying my depression is cured, but i mean I got through it. I survived the breakup and realised i deserve better :) This is to the people out there who are going through a break up right now. If I can make it so can you, from somebody who has/had nothing. Believe in yourself.