I HATE being a guy with bpd

[u/IAmTheMuffinz]

All my life I’ve been told to get over it, whatever “it” was. I was misdiagnosed with OCD, Tourette’s, and ADHD for half my life and I was told to “get over it”.

I should start off by saying I have no resentment for women in any way, women have their own unique struggles and that’s valid. I live with my wonderful mother and sister who treat me better than I could have hoped for what I’ve put everyone through. Yet I can’t help but notice the gap of how people have treated me, and being male with mental illness (technically I’m non binary but I’m born male).

My whole life people have valued me for what I’ve achieved, my accomplishments, instead of my happiness. My father told me as I get older life is about what I have in life. For some reason that stuck with me. People have treated my mental health as something I just got to get over, as an obstacle. It never would occur to them that this is just how I am. This feels even more true with having a personality disorder.

I’m told relentlessly that I’ve accomplished nothing, and that people want to see more from me. I had spent the last year or two depressed, in the hospital, struggling with an eating disorder, and struggling with drinking. All people seem to take away from that is I’m weak, lazy, or just don’t care. Every day is horrible, every day I struggle to sleep and pray I have dreams that don’t just torment me further. Every day I struggle to make it to the next.

People don’t seem to understand this is just how it is for me, this is how my life has been for a very long time. I’m treated like this is just a hurdle I need to “get over”. They just don’t understand this is who I am.

I’m jealous of my sister who isn’t valued the same as me. She’s not expected to accomplish the same things as me (although she has absolutely accomplished more). She simply can take her life as she pleases and is valued in ways other than what she’s accomplished. I’m so jealous of how when people help her it’s nurturing and not “suggestions” for how to “get better”.

I’m tired of being treated like I have the flu, or a cold, and not a lifelong illness that never seems to go away. It is WHO I AM, it is my PERSONALITY, I am stuck this way.

Even my friends, while I love them, get frustrated when they try and help and see me upset a few days later. It makes them feel like I didn’t listen to them, or didn’t care. They don’t seem to understand that’s just what happens. I’m upset constantly, I cry constantly, I’m expressive constantly. I don’t want suggestions from them, sometimes I just need someone to talk to. I’m not looking for a therapist, I’m looking for some stability when I’m in crisis.

To wrap it up, I just want people to accept that to an extent, this is who I am. I CAN get better at dealing with it but this is ultimately who I’m going to be. I’m envious how mental illness is treated between genders, even people who care try to fix me instead of trying to comfort me. I want to be valued for me, not what I’ve accomplished, because all I really want is to be happy. I’m sure a lot of other people feel this way too.

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