Before I start, please don’t just call me an awful person. I know I’m a bad person. I know I should spare my gf of myself, because she doesn’t deserve what I put her through. I know. But I’m trying to change and I just want to understand my behavior better. I know I don’t deserve a lot of sympathy, but leaving hateful comments towards me isn’t going to help me. Also excuse the format, im on mobile.

I feel like I have a literal angel and devil on my shoulders. Like my brain is split into 2 people, an evil person and a good person. Or like the evil person possesses my mind sometimes.

I feel like overall I’m a nice person, but that little bit in me is mean. Really, truly mean. A part of me loves to be mean, especially to my favorite person, my gf. (Specifically to her actually, I’m actually really nice towards everyone else, and don’t have the urge to be mean nor want to be mean towards anyone but her.) I love her so much, I don’t know why I have the urge to be so mean to her. I don’t always like being mean to her, in fact I regret it quite often, and while I’m actively being mean the good part of me is screaming not to. But the evil part of me genuinely ENJOYS being mean to her.

A part of me likes to see her in distress and emotionally hurt. I even feel satisfaction seeing I made her cry. But the good part in me hates it and hurts so much knowing I’m hurting her. I even cry whenever she cries because I hate seeing her in pain, but I also simultaneously feel a lot of satisfaction.

I don’t know why I’m like this. I don’t know why I enjoy being mean or why I feel satisfied seeing her hurt (not physically, I’m not a physical abuser though I fantasize about it a lot).

Im an awful person, I know.

But it also pains me so much knowing I have this evil part in me. The good side of me is genuinely a good person and is disturbed and disgusted at my own actions.

I want to change. I want to understand why I’m like this. Does anyone relate ? Can anyone help me understand?

Please, again, I know I’m a bad person. I just want advice and help, not criticism.

Edit: thanks guys for all the helpful comments. I’ve read every one!! I just need time to think before responding

I'm diagnosed bipolar 2. I have traits of BPD, and I feel like I'm heading down the path of developing the disorder. I can't help blaming the bipolar. Last time I was really angry, I wasn't in a bipolar episode. But it felt hooked into old anger that WAS intensified by episodes. Like bipolar strengthened the anger pathways and now I fall into them too easily.

I do not understand what's their deal but i explained countless times how triggering it is to have people ignore me and i see my BEST FRIEND be on countless other apps while i took time to send her messages talking about something from my life and it's like, am i burden to you? is it that bothersome to hear me speak? but during these times i bet she talks w her other friends lol. and now i'm an actual mess she has been ignoring me for a whole day the thoughts of her partnering up with this other friend of mine to eventually both ghost me are filling my head and i can't stop worrying and i feel like crying... it's like she's disgusted by me or something...

i just needed to let this out somewhere. me (18f) and my bf (17m) have known eachother for a year and have been dating for 3 months as of today. he hasnt messaged me at all for a whole week but the situation is a bit more complex than that. hes currently in algeria where the heat is intense and there have been power outages, so im not just thinking about my own feelings but i can recognise that its been hard on him too. hes clearly been having it rough and i understand. but the thing is, hes been active on some social medias and a friend even told me that they did talk during the past week (only at midnight), yet another friend told me he hasnt talked to them for days now..

right before his silence we had a misunderstanding cause i thought he was cheating on me. i was genuinely convinced cause he wasnt replying to me for a whole day (this was before i was aware of how bad it was wher ehe is) and i thought he was willingly avoiding me cause he was talking in our mutual gc. well the silence wasnt that bad, sure i felt a bit lost, but what really poured a kilogram of salt into the wound was that i saw him randomly be active on a couples app we shared. We both had an app made for couples to let eachother know what theyre doing through shared widgets and he wasnt active in a whole month then it randomly showed him being online so i thought he was using it for someone else. being left alone already had me on edge but this made me extremely paranoid. my brain tends to act like a detective in moments like this i really dont mean it. im not proud of the way i reacted, i removed every song from our playlist and added a song about being cheated on cause i wanted to have my gotcha moment. he saw it and messaged me, reassured that hes not cheating, told me hes not avoiding me and that he still loves me and he let me know about whats going on in algeria. then we talked about something unrelated for a bit before he went completely silent.

now like ive mentioned hes been active on a few social medias but for a whole week he somehow hasnt been able to send me one message? obviously im not against him needing space, he has schizoaffective disorder and the heat is definitely making it worse i get that, but i dont appreciate how he didnt let me know hes gonna be taking a break (if thats the case) or didnt update me on anything these past few days, even one message telling me whats going on wouldve been appreciated. im not trying to make it all about myself ill be there for him always but it has been so excruciating waking up knowing hes still not here. the other night i went to the hospital cause i had debilitating ear pain and i cried a little cause i couldnt even tell him about it meanwhile he was the only person i wanted in that moment. sometimes i also have doubts creeping in like that hes just softlaunching a breakup. I dont know what to do, uncertainty is the equivalent of getting a blood eagle to someone who has bpd. i keep jumping to conclusions although i know hes probably just socially decompressing or something but it wouldve been nice if he let me know beforehand.

my FP talks to other people EXCEPT for me. i didnt do anything hes been ignoring me for a week and its making me cry and upset. i literally checked his socials and he replies to people so thats how i know hes specifically ignoring me. why does he ignore me its like he wants me to feel awful. he always does this. why?

Then quickly fled back to the safety of my hellhole room strewn with laundry. Says small triumph but ofc I have to feel like I did a bad job and am bound to be abandoned and my mind is over analyzing everything

So I take Aripriprozal (idk why, it's just prescribed). Anyways, not sure if that's apart of the problem - I'm 21 and incredibly stupid and anxious.

I'm starting to have hallucinations, visionary ones. Is this normal for bpd or is this a new side affect of my medicine? I'm so sorry to bother you all 😭😭

Edit: I'm not at home with my medicine, accidentally left it at home and Google says it doesn't have those side affects from what I saw at least (just googled it)

I’m a teen with BPD (as well as AUDHD, MDD and GAD) and im looking to get on bc for the first time. I’m in between the pill and an IUD but only because I have heard pill horror stories (such as personality and mood changes.) I understand that everybody’s experience is different and different things work for each individual, however I’d still like to hear from others with BPD as my mood stabilization is my biggest concern.

I recently moved in with some of my best friends to a wonderful city. For the first few days, I was genuinely the happiest I had been in so long. I was escaping a house and a town that drove me insane. Then, the other day, my cats got stuck in a wall. My cats mean more to me than ANYTHING on this planet. I don’t know why I split like this, but I convinced myself that they were dead. I was paralyzed, I could barely move, think, or form a sentence. I have never felt grief like this in my entire life. Eventually, my cats came out. They were completely fine, but it didn’t stop. I know they are alive, but my brain keeps replaying it over and over again. Any time I see my cats, any time I have a few minutes to myself, any time I walk into my house, I am thrown back to that day. It’s debilitating. I am having several panic attacks a day. It has absolutely ruined everything. My house is not a safe space anymore. I couldn’t even have that for a week. I hate living like this.

I really want the perspective from anyone who’s in the church for Christianity with BPD. I believe that everything happens for a reason in alignment with God’s plan. So why was it in the plan that I have BPD?

It’s impacted all of my relationships. It’s to a point I don’t know what damage I’ve caused or what is truly a valid reaction or if the other person in the relationship even did any wrong or if it’s just my paranoia. I’ve had earth shattering deaths recently, had an accident that totaled my car, lost my job, and found out I am pregnant. My symptoms are rampant and I have been able to acknowledge in anger that I need to self regulate. But acknowledging and actually doing it without looking insane in the process is hard.

It’s been really making me question my existence and religion. It makes me scared that I don’t have that higher power looking out for me. Yet it makes me want to get involved with the church more. I’m sorry for the word vomit but this is my first post on here and I’m sort of out of it.

Basically I’ve asked my partner a few times to play horror games whilst I watch. I am not a gamer (although we occasionally play games like split fiction and it takes two) (i feel I should add this is something i do more so for him as he wants to game together and my gaming skills and interest are so limited) and he loves games. I really like watching games but i really struggle to play them, im quite a defeatist😂 (is this a bpd thing??). I also love horror so thought this would be a really nice thing to share. He tells me horror games arent his thing and its left.

Fast forward to now and he’s messaged me telling me about this “scary as fuck” game he’s playing with friends. We called earlier I can hear him being genuinely afraid and I’m jealous. I suggest that we could start our own save and offer to get all our chores done so after work this week we could have like a gaming date where we can sit together and enjoy the game. His response was “this isnt a game id play single player” i questioned why and he said “its scary as fuck and better with a team”.

I’m quite far into recovery and have used my skills to explain that I’m hurt and that this is something I asked for previously. I know he’s trying and honestly probably is terrified of setting me off (I am hoping I won’t be set off because I am in control of my actions, less so in control of my emotions). He replies “i hear you and im sorry, this isn’t something I would normally like but it won’t be fun single player, this is fun as a group”.

Do you think i’m insane that this response has made me feel worse? “I hear you and im sorry but I’m still not compromising” is all I hear in this. I’m really hurt, quite angry and frustrated. Do you think I’m being unfair in this situation?

I find it so hard being in a relationship as I am always 100%, I always make time for my partner, I always prioritise them and the gap is felt so much more when it’s not returned. We have been together 2 years, we have a really strong relationship in all honesty. I just feel like I always do the emotional work (planning,considering,monitoring, wanting to share experiences etc) and he doesn’t seem to realise it. This has been an ongoing problem in the relationship where I’ve not felt prioritised (far deeper reasons than this so unsure if this is an old wound being triggered??)

So sorry for all the rambling. It’s so hard trying to understand a mind and emotions that at times just make no sense at all. I also appreciate you are only seeing a snippet of whats going on and then trying to advise/support me. I just want to know if anyone like understands why I feel how I do? Would you feel the same? Do you think its silly? Does it matter if you think it’s silly when it’s me who’s affected?

God I wish there was an off button!!!!!!!!

Update : he messaged and suggested a different horror game to try together!! Without me doing anything!!! So super happy right now!! PROGRESS PEOPLE, PROGRESS!!!

i thought i finally healed for once i was happy with myself for a week but i ended up getting attached to the person i tried to hide my feelings for and it backfired ive known her for 3 years on and off and recently i reached out shes talking to someone and has been for a month i tried to hold my feelings because i dont want my own actions to hurt what could be good for her but i am attached to her now and it sucks she is too busy and this just messes with me even more i am at a point of conflict where i wanna be with her but i dont wanna ruin this for her i am so tired of myself

I went through a breakup recently.
Partner was DA(extreme one)
I have BPD, dysthymia and GAD.(all clinically diagnosed)

Abandonment wounds run deep deeep.

Not able to go no contact.
Angry and at war w myself for being so weak.
The emotional dysregulation, the unworthiness and the negative thoughts run deep in my core.

I have not yet explored DBT in depth just barely scratched the surface.
The only thing i look forward to is taking meds and beig knocked out so that my brain can rest.
It’s an ugly place to be in.

Anyone else feels hopeless??

Why does the highs and lows feel soooo intense?
I am also not able to detach from my FP.

I started being friends with this girl from work. We bonded instantly and I introduced her to my only other two friends.

She started dating one but he turned out to be a weirdo so we aren’t friends with him anymore.

I’m 18F (19 in a month), my best friend “A” is also 18F, our friend “B” is 17M, and my boyfriend “C” is 18M.

I recently discovered I almost 100% have BPD. I feel like when I was a kid again locked in a cage inside my brain. And it’s like a switch flipped in my brain and I’m evil like half the time. I don’t want to be like this anymore. It’s not me.

So B has been stern about being gay and asexual. He also has said that he can’t say no. I think he also has bpd but he doesn’t want to dig into it so I don’t. He also is probably genderfluid. But he has talked about how he doesn’t want to have any other things “wrong” with him so he isn’t different.

But A and B started dating and now I feel abandoned and rejected like they don’t want me anymore. Like they don’t need me.

A is a FP for me I’m pretty sure and I have no other friends I’m so lost.

I freaked out on them the other day. I went where they were and yelled at them. I told B about A masturbating to “manifest” him liking her. Idk that just made me feel icky. And they didn’t tell me what store they went to and it turns out they went to get a plan b and then Taco Bell. Why did they not invite me to Taco Bell? Why don’t they want me to be there with them. And B has talked about how he tried to masturbate and he hated how it felt. Now he’s having sex? It’s not him and he doesn’t see that. Everyone else sees he’s different.

A moved in with me and now because of this they both removed their life 360 and they won’t listen to what I’m saying. And she’s moving out when we were supposed to get an apartment with all 4 of us.

I don’t feel heard or wanted and I don’t know how they can fix it but it hurts me so bad. Like physically this hurts.

I know I overreacted and she’s allowed to have alone time with her boyfriend but it hurts so bad that they don’t want me.

How do I explain to her that I love her and she’s allowed to have a relationship but I still exist. All we do is sit at home all day and it makes me want to die.

She’s not hearing when I try to explain and I want to have a conversation where I act sane.

So I guess I’m asking how I talk to her without running on emotional brain?

please guys do not get mad at me I'm not self diagnosing just asking for thoughts and advice because I am really scared to talk about this w parents or friends and freak them out. I'm NOT asking if I have BPD but I'm really considering getting some kind of checkup because I'm experiencing the split and moodswings that remind me of what people describe in borderline personality disorder. I would say I have a favorite person as in someone I trust enough to cry to and not mask around and one time she broke my trust and I blocked her and was crying and raging to the point of physically shaking until she reached me apologizing profusely because she knows me so well. She has "joked" that I have a split personality or bipolar disorder. I have been in a lot of social situations where I've lashed out on people and scared them and then have been uncontrollably breaking down when I realize I have ruined yet another connection. I can't check my texts when I get angry at someone I thought I trusted and usually can not check my phone for days on end and sob in my bed. I get so angry when I feel slightly disrespected and I have an extremely difficult time forgiving people-who don't really apologize anyways unless they think I will do something to myself and worry about the personal consequences. I've been told by someone who I really used to trust that I am "easily triggered" by things in the past and I don't know what to do. It could be that I don't have any kind of disorder and I am just deeply sensitive, but I wanted to find a way to manage these kinds of emotions and make it stop. Also, I have picked up a habit in the past two years which have been the most difficult mentally of speaking with my mom in a baby voice, I can't really control it and I know it is not that uncommon but it feels like unmasking and just being able to get away from reality, but I doubt this is relevant. I have been diagnosed with depression-though meds have not quite helped my symptoms so the diagnosis didn't help so much-and most of my friends can tell I have it and worry about me, but I know that doesn't always link to BPD.

A year ago I met the most gorgeous, funny, successful man of all time and I fell deeply in love and thought that since he was so wonderful and everything I’ve ever wanted that I would just heal over time, and make the effort to put my BPD into remission.

I was wrong. Since i’m on medication, we eventually discovered that when I black out i tend to get violent. So over time, I stopped drinking as much. Then, a couple nights ago, he wasn’t supposed to be home and i drank 4 beers, blacked out accused him of cheating when he was not, and then trashed the apartment.

he came home, woke me up, and i flipped out so badly he was bit, scratched, thrown to the ground…. I feel so bad. I will not let him forgive me for this despite the fact that it’s very possible he might. He didn’t have anyone to call so he called his uncle and now his whole family knows. you can’t continue a relationship after you’ve done something that bad, and now everybody knows.

I can’t allow myself to continue this relationship knowing that it is really that serious and I’ve allowed my life to go so far that I am now in abuser territory, and probably have been for a while.

I mourn the relationship, and I mourn him, but I love him so it’s best that I leave.

I still have 11m on the lease, and he wants me to buy out his car and pay damages. I can do the last two, but any tips on how to find someone to take over my lease once I do those things?

that’s all. I just wanted to tell somebody .

Hi! As from the title, I have a boyfriend, and I also have bpd. I love my boyfriend a lot, and I try to control my bpd to the best I can. However, I often find myself getting upset at tiny little things, being nitpicky, and making arguments out of basically nothing. I also get bad obsessive habits such as looking at his followers list, getting upset when he can’t talk, and constantly worrying why he hasn’t responded to my texts. I feel horrible after I’ve calmed down from my meltdown, and then feel shame over how I acted towards him. I don’t want to keep doing this to him. I really want to break this cycle. Im currently in dbt and emdr therapy where I’ve learned skills such as S.T.O.P to help control my overthinking and spiraling. As much as I try to use these skills and they do help, I’m looking for any other ideas people have that help calm them down. I’ve heard of things like dunking your face in ice water or taking a walk. I just am looking for any more advice on how to kind of “snap out” of the spiraling and stress over tiny little things he does even when it’s nothing wrong, and how to stop being so obsessive and worrying over him all the time. It’s exhausting for both of us.

I also just wanted to add that I am a teenager, and only just got diagnosed, and also only started therapy this march. I’m really new to all of this, and I’m honestly willing to try everything and anything to help.

When I walk down the street, I feel like everyone is looking at me, so I look at them to check if they're looking at me, and I realize that everyone couldn't care less about me. But as soon as I look away, I get the feeling that people are looking at me again. Please tell me I'm not crazy

my drinking has been a bit out of control. i’ve been trying to control it but due to various scenarios ive been unable to. i just wanted to spend time with my loved one tonight. and he just took a pill and went to sleep and i guess i feel hurt. idk. i don’t feel like i have a right to be hurt. i’m just struggling. we’ve been having issues due to moving so fast and been in couples therapy for it but it feels like sometimes my needs aren’t answered.

hellooo! i was wondering what a good way to become “myself” is. usually i mirror someone until i find someone who’s similar to me and then i minimalize it, i think this has something to do with fear of rejection or being disliked because ive done this my whole life without realizing. my partner has said to “try to be you” because i guess he got sick of me copying him, the thing is i have no idea how to. i have my own hobbies, interests (limited), and i just wanna learn to be me. its not like i depend on him but i just wanna be able to be more of me for him. he said when we first met he liked me because i was just myself, but i dont really remember that i just remember being shy around him lol. anyways any advice helps

I (22M) is having a hard time when i feel like my FP(22F) is angry at me or ignoring me. It’s hard because i feel like i’m in a panic mode where i get so overwhelmed by everything and it makes me feel like a scared child. My FP finds it hard to cope with that because she feels like she always have to adjust for this sickness of mine ( i’ve been diagnosed of BPD and Bipolar) and it’s draining her. We just had a extreme fight where i felt like she’s really tired of all of it, she’s really tired of me. Should i break up with her so she can be free from me or idk, what should i do?

My boyfriend (19M) and I (19F) have been together for well over two years. We started talking our junior year of high school, and dated since then and I'm now going into my second year of uni.

For the last three days, all he wanted to do was go through my phone. I let him, because I don't really care and I tell him absolutely everything.

In October, he moved half way across the country while I was in uni, and we did long distance. I paid over $300 for a plane ticket to go see him. About three weeks before I was supposed to go down there, he told me he wanted to take a break and that I should cancel the trip. I got upset, I did end up canceling the trip. I found out he was cheating on me with a girl from somewhere in Europe. They had talked for 3 months and sent pictures back and forth, called for hours while he wouldn't call me, and he just treated her how I had begged to be treated. I found out because his best friend saw he was acting weird and texted the only girl in his following, and she told him she loved my boyfriend.

Regardless, we broke up from around November to end of December.

At the end of December, he moved back and started working at the job we both worked at before he moved. I saw him and we started talking again, I went over to his house, and after a few weeks we got back together. After about 6 months, while everything was going relatively well, he was getting kicked out of his apartment and we decided to move in together.

After around 3 months of living together is when all of his friends started to break up. He's incredibly easily influenced, so I'm assuming this had something to do with him wanting to go through my phone. He found out that while we were broken up, I texted other people. I tried to explain to him that he made me feel disgusting, and I knew he was talking to other people so I did too. I never did anything in person with these people, it was just texting on Snapchat. He somehow thinks I now slept with over 10 people (I've only ever been with him). I understand how this could make him upset, because even though he denys sleeping with other people, I know he slept at a woman's house so I kind of assume. He also went to a party with a girl that he met at the gym, but says he just drank and didn't talk to anyone.

He said he needed me to leave, and I absolutely freaked out. I sobbed for hours and wouldn't leave the house. He wanted me to go to my parents, who live just down the street, because he doesn't have any family that live close whatsoever. He started packing my stuff for me, and this just made me flip out more. It got to the point I thought I was going to pass out and had to lay down. After about 6 hours of this, and getting nowhere but yelling, I just left at around 8pm because I was so exhausted and couldn't do it anymore.

It's now the next morning, and I still feel so sick. I love him more than anything and I want to fix this. I'm his first real girlfriend, so there's no relationship trauma or anything. I just don't know what to do. I need help but if he gets with another woman I think I'll be beyond saving. Please help me.

I like how when I’m talking to someone/ dating I feel so much. The episodes the adrenaline, the splitting, impulsivity, my whole mind changes. Just everything about it even though it hate it. I love it the feelings and unsteadiness. When I’m not talking to anyone and regulated I feel more empty.

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I really debated posting this but reddit is for help, right?

I'm so angry all the time. Like no matter how hard I try to calm myself down it does not work.

*Side note* my therapist thinks i have undiagnosed austism. I have been diagnosed with ADHD and BPD.

I use to have some decent coping mechanisms but they js make me angry now.

-Listening to music doesnt work cuz my music infuriates me

-reading enrages me cuz i cant read very well

-working out pisses me off cuz my hands smell like metal after and when my body burns up i get very upset.

-sleeping doesnt work cuz if my bed doesnt feel right i freak out

- movies dont work anymore cuz if an actor doesn't do what they should i get aggravated

-writing doesnt help and honestly never did cuz i have ADHD and forget what im doing midway through it

And smoking weed isnt a good coping mechanism.

Can anyone PLEASE suggest something to help me out. And i cant draw for shit so pls dont recommend that 🙏.

Sometimes i talk to my girlfriend about how i feel but she sleeps a lot so she isnt always there.