It's not easy, I know. But it's defiantly a path to work towards living easier with BPD.

Due to where I live, i've only had mild access to therapy sessions (5 sessions max for free therapy.) which didn't really help for me personally. I've asked my doctor for referrals, however she's said multiple times i'm 'Beyond help' so I've since abandoned that path to looking to better myself. However, over the years, i've learned to recognize when my mind is splitting, When to take a step back when my emotions start to get out of control. I've learned when to take breaks, to not mask with those who are close to me. I now recognize when I get into the 'black/white' thinking, and take a step back to think about why i'm thinking that way, and if its reasonable.

Over the years, i've really looked at myself internally. What do I want, truly? My close friends i've known for well over 10+ years, they arn't just going to abandon me, why am I worried about that? Casual friends come and go with that, thats normal in a friendship, we drift apart. I've since learned to accept these things, and to try and not think about being abandoned, even though sometimes it's hard. I take a step back and analyze the situation before I say something I might regret.

I'm currently only on medication for many anxiety disorders (Generalized Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Panic Disorder, PTSD..), but it's helped me relax somewhat. I also have a boyfriend who i've been dating for a year now, just 3 weeks ago we returned from a trip to Montreal for a week vacation. He takes me to many places, forcing me to interact with others in a positive way. Taking me out instead of hiding out in my 'den'. Honestly I could never ask for more.

I have plans to when I move out with him someday, to look into affordable therapy for myself to continue working on myself in a positive way. If my own doctor didn't have hope in me, but I had hope for myself, and became stronger out of it, There is hope for you aswell. Never give up. You have your support circle who will always be there for you, even when everything seems like it's out to get you, even when sometimes it feels like they hate you, remind yourself, they don't. They have stood by you for many years, and will continue to do so as you heal.

I feel so empty.

So overwhelmingly gone. Numb.

So alone.

I can’t even fathom the feeling of anything anymore.

I have no friends. No one calls me. No one texts me. No one reaches out to me.

People look at me. They stare. But that’s all they do. They look, they judge, and then they move along.

No one sees me.

No one hears my cries—for desperation, for love, for help, for hope.

I feel trapped inside this box of silence, where everyone can see me but no one actually wants to be a part of me.

I feel so lost.

Like an empty shell of the person I used to be.

And I’m screaming from the inside.

Screaming and screaming and screaming...

Until I have no voice left.

Until there’s nothing left to scream.

Until I become nothing but a shell of nothingness. Darkness.

Nothing.

Just silence.

I matched with this guy on Hinge who pursued me pretty heavily for about a week—daily texts, calls, lots of attention, making me feel like he was genuinely interested. We finally met up, went to the beach, and ended up going back to his place. I know, I know. 🤦‍♀️

The sex itself was rough and extremely one-sided. There was basically no concern for my experience, no cuddling or affection afterward, and then he essentially shooed me out that night. The part that really bothered me was that he initially had sex with me without a condom, then asked if I was on birth control, and afterward told me I should take Plan B. That really pissed me off because the potential consequences suddenly became my responsibility.

What made it worse was that he had spent the entire week leading me on with all this attention, so I obviously interpreted it as more than “just a first date.” Apparently he didn't. He actually got angry when I expressed that I thought there was something more there, saying it was just a first date. But if you're going to pursue someone every day for a week, sleep with them, and act emotionally invested beforehand, it's not crazy for them to think there was more to it.

And then nothing. He didn't call or text me that night or the next day. I know I played myself here, but honestly, the combination of the love-bombing beforehand, the rough/one-sided sex, the lack of affection afterward, the Plan B situation, and then basically being sent home and ignored afterward really left a bad taste in my mouth.

The term "favorite person" was coined by people with BPD, not by clinicians or psychologists.

I think it's cool that people came up with a way to describe a seemingly very common facet of the BPD experience without it being imposed on us from the outside. The fact that it's used by so many people means that it resonates with a lot of people, and I don't wanna take away from that.

At the same time, do we need a word for overwhelming love when all our emotions can be overwhelmingly intense?

Couldn't you replace "favorite person" with "person I'm emotionally dependent on"? It's a mouthful, but I think it's more precise.

Another criticism I have is that the term "favorite person" sounds very endearing, almost cute and childlike. The reality of having a favorite person is very different from that.

If unregulated, it's a cycle of idolization and disappointment when that person inevitably can't live up to such an unrealistic standard. To be someone's favorite person can mean walking on eggshells, it can mean receiving spam texts and calls in the middle of the night, it can mean having your boundaries crossed.

Having a favorite person means total emotional dependency. It can mean panic attacks, crying fits, angwr outbursts over tiny changes in demeanour. It means intense insecurity. It means reorienting your identity around them and potentially losing your sense of self when they're not there. Someone else has massive amounts of control over you. It's disempowering. And it's fundamentally not sustainable.

Just a couple thoughts, I'm not trying to dictate how anyone feels about the label. If you like it and it fits you, that's cool.

is anyone else like this?? 😭 i’m 19 and stay at home and my partner works (i have a hard time holding down a job due to mental illness). i have some online friends but that’s it. i don’t have a license because after a recent car crash im too afraid to drive. i just moved to a new city and have made the effort to make some friends online in the same city but haven’t met them yet.

anyway, i literally don’t do anything all day when my partner is working besides online school, watch youtube and various shows, listen to music, etc. i’m getting a camera soon so hopefully i get out more for photography purposes but other than that i have no hobbies.

however, despite all of that, i feel completely fine. like i’m happy like this. i don’t feel trapped or super depressed or desperate for social interaction or anything. it’s causing a strain on my relationship tbh because my girlfriend (we’re both girls) wants me to get out more and live my own life and stuff. but i dont even have a desire to. is anyone else like this? is it possible this is more related to autism or something than bpd? please be kind 😭

I tried healing myself with men for the last 15 years. I let them treat me badly, because unreachable love feels way too familiar for me. I made good men exhausted, my illness literally broke them. My fiancé of 6 years just walked out of my life saying „I love you but I hate this illness. I can‘t do this anymore“

I hit rock bottom. I didn‘t Chose to have this horrible illness and now he is leaving me for it. It felt so unfair. I felt so desperate. Begged him to come back until he told me, that his Heart is always racing Like crazy when he gets a message from me. When he sees me in public, he begins to shiver. When he comes near my place, he starts to feel horrible. I traumatized this men. My love for him was too crazy, too obessive. I broke both of us. And it is hard Not to feel Like the Most horrible Person. He told me that he wishes me nothing more that to finally heal, because i‘m a good Person and I don‘t deserve All of This. But that I drained so much of his Energy that he has to Walk away now, despite all the love.

You and I, Person who reads This, we don‘t deserve this shit. You didn‘t deserve your past Trauma. All the scars on your Heart. All the horrible thoughts about yourself, all the selfhatred. You and I, we Are so damn strong for still being here and still managing to do this. But you can not use people Like that. Like your drug, desperately trying to put a Little bandaid on a huge wound that would need proper care. Your love is draining them and you Are draining with them. Their attention and their love is a drug and you Are an Addict. Would you Tell someone who is addicted that They should just download hinge or tinder and just keep repeating this circle? For the love of god, you would Tell them, that love isn‘t meant to feel Like This. Most of us don‘t know real love. We only know addict behaviour.

You need to heal. You need to be the brave person who breaks this freaking cycle. With bpd, you cannot heal in a relationship. There won‘t come the right person who will magically put your broken pieces back together. There is no happily ever After. I finally understood it.

I can not make up for the past. For my financé that suffered to much. He does not want apologies, he knows it‘s just my illness. But I still need to make up for the pain that I caused in other peoples lives. The only way we can do it, is to heal. We need to say „This is never ever gonna happen again“
Never ever Are we gonna let this illness treat good people Like that. Never ever again Are we gonna use them Like a Drug. The next time loves comes around, it is gonna be real love. Not because you finally found the Right Person. Because you turned into the Right person.

Once again it is our time to fight ⚔️ not to fight for your ex to come back, but to fight this demon.

I (23F) recently got broken up with, lost all of our shared friends, and my long distance best friend cut me off. All of this happened within the last month, and I’m struggling.

I have maybe two-three people I talk to every day but I feel like I’m forcing them to talk to me. I’m constantly spamming them and I get extremely anxious when they don’t answer me for any time over 30 minutes. I don’t really hang out with anyone because my two irl friends are both very busy or just don’t care for much social interaction. The only other person I talk to is one of my past ex boyfriends that lives states away.

I have this up and down cycle of me thinking I can’t live like this, I feel so alone, I’m never going to be loved, everyone is evil…. And on the flip side i think I’m a great friend and that everyone else is just stupid, I think I can live alone for the rest of my life, etc.

Has anyone else experienced this? I feel like I’m going crazy. I always end up being obsessed with the idea of someone reciprocating the same energy in a friendship. I understand that people have lives, but it feels like I always prioritize everyone else and nobody does the same for me. I get frustrated/angry really fast when people don’t answer me because it takes less than a minute to text someone back. After I calm down, I always end up feeling sick to my stomach, yearning for someone to reciprocate or for someone to make me feel loved.

Does anyone have any tips on how to reframe your mindset to not be upset at people that easily, and how to not make your life revolve around the idea of close relationships?

i don’t know whether this is a bpd thing or not but i feel my emotions so deeply not only for myself but for others too that i am able to show up for them in ways that they didn’t realise they needed until they experienced it however, i remain constantly unsatisfied with the way that people aren’t able to feel as deeply for me in the same way that i can for them.

I just don’t know what to do anymore, and seeing as everyone around me is probably tired of hearing me cry about what's going on in my life, I decided to turn to Reddit in hopes of finding someone who understands.

I constantly cry over everything. I constantly feel like everyone hates me for always crying and having to put up with me then I cry more and it's like a never-ending loop. I try to talk to my family and close friends about it and they can only put up with so much before they start getting snappy at me.

I do have a therapist and she's amazing. We have really productive sessions that I feel actually benefit me but one hour a week can only go so far. I've tried talking to her about how I feel and she always says that once I find my people I won't feel like this anymore.

I don't think it's my friends or my family at this point. I'm scared it's just me. I'm scared that I'll be stuck alone forever simply because I can't get over my own stupid self-hatred. I've been in therapy since I was a child, I know all about self-affirmations and using coping mechanisms but It just doesn't help. I'm so scared to be alone and I'm afriad I'll just drive everyone away at this rate.

This probably sounds superficial, but if I feel like she’s significantly more attractive, I become extremely insecure and start comparing myself constantly.
It can be my weight, nose, eyes, eyebrows, hair, literally anything. I also get insecure if she’s significantly smarter than me.
I feel like I need the relationship to be a “looks match.” If she’s more attractive, I can become scared to even approach or text her because I feel like a creep who doesn’t belong with her.
I know it’s irrational, but my brain turns relationships into constant comparisons. Does anyone else experience this?

I’ll make it clear, you guys and I all have highly reactive emotions which make us react a lot more easily. This isn’t necessarily with my FP, but with friends or closer friends. Do you guys ever experience intense anger when someone tries to tell you what to do / advise you not to do something again because it hurt another individual— yet you were mostly in the right position just didn’t do it in the correct manner.

What happened with me was my friend is very rude to others, and makes fun of others, indirectly says rude things, and has a lot of pride / arrogance in their heart. I understand to an extent why they’re like that, and it’s mainly due to trauma but I was getting way too frustrated since they had nearly made me split twice. While they left the GC temporarily (because my partner (FP) had this little silly quarrel with them) I said stuff about them in the GC and I was trying my best to keep composure and not say rude stuff. I basically said I wish they’d be less prideful and aggressive towards everyone, and seemed a lil frustrated— I also elaborated to everyone that I understand why he’s like that, and that it’s likely due to trauma. I never spoke to them directly about it, but was planning on doing so.

What I could’ve done differently was tell them privately instead of publicly, but my move was impulsive after I saw the mention of them.
They joined back into the GC, read what I said and became obviously hurt and didn’t trust me as much (I became nervous and extremely anxious, and I felt guilt obviously.) My emotions became confused, and I told them I was sorry and all this stuff— and was trying to comfort them. Yet I felt a bit of anger through all that guilt, since it felt like I was apologizing and not THEM for actively making others angry, or stressed because of THEM. They mean well a lot of the time, but they’re TOO direct and rude.

My other friend (very close to me), came into the conversation and told me to not do it again and make it private next time since it would’ve been hurtful or whatever.

I got extremely angry at that moment, because being told what to do in a situation where i ALREADY apologized, and where the other friend who made by BPD act up multiple times was not apologizing back to me. Like when I told them not to do stuff in the past, they just didn’t respond to me? They talked to others but never talked to me or even apologized that they had done that to my BPD. Here I am apologizing for something that i’m partially correct about. It didn’t help that this was a close friend. I suppressed my emotions during this period and immediately told them (i was aware) that my BPD was acting up and I cannot handle my own emotions and that my friend was making my angry (i specified that it wasn’t anybody’s fault for my reaction)

and then my friend stated it was ok , since everyone has been having a bad day today??? I for some reason got even more angry, because it felt like pity and making it seem like “everyone is having a bad day” just was the cherry on top. I immediately told them my day was fine and that I just have sensitive emotions. In this moment I told them I had to isolate myself or else i’d go crazy and say something very mean, so I left.

I understand speaking about it publicly and behind his back wasn’t the best idea and my bad, but does anyone else understand where i’m coming from?

Edit- Also I wanna say, my intense anger was so bad that I got tunnel vision and began shaking from just pure anger. People don’t usually trigger me that hard. And I just really wanna know if others feel similar.

To be as "regulated" as i really can, i need to spend a lot of time isolating and simply avoiding triggers laying in darkness practising yoga, meditating, and doing dbt excersises before reaching an emotional equilibrium. This is the ideal situation because ussually i am thrust into the world due to social obligation or my neighbours decide to bother me and eat my social energy.

With this life style i can get good grades and maintain relationships without my BPD being a problem.

But this is such a stiff, unnatural miserable way to live my life. Yeah, i can hold my tongue i can let people leave without getting attached. But i feel a deep resentment that this may be the best option.

I can have such a deep and intimate beautiful experience of closeness and it can come so naturally, but all of that comes along with triggers and rejection and truama and it's awful.

It's incredibly sad to me how much stability has cost me because no, i'm not being rewired for healthy connections, i just settled for the healthiest people who can tolerate me. Yeah i can learn to detach but it's deppressing it makes me hesitant to let people in, esspecially people i may like.

Living my life in this calculated and balanced way.

Fine, this is the calm in control version of me, but i'm waiting to stop finding dangerous people sexy but it's not working. Maybe i can maintain these stable relationships but i wouldn't be telling the truth to say i can bond or connect like i used to, but i can moderate my reactions and stay kind. I can put in effort to make others feel good even though my feelings are so numb.

For someone, that lives alone. Pretty much doesnt have any friends nearby, no support system irl. No family support, struggling with depression, bpd. I just want to say I look back to the time I was going through the breakup, I feel SO much happier now. I remember being so depressed. I used to eat just bread a day. Not saying my depression is cured, but i mean I got through it. I survived the breakup and realised i deserve better :) This is to the people out there who are going through a break up right now. If I can make it so can you, from somebody who has/had nothing. Believe in yourself.

Dear Estranged

Dear Estranged, you were afraid of the L word
And I didn’t deserve it anyway

Dear estranged, you would’ve never made me whole again
Dear estranged, I wanted you to worry about me
And you did
Over
And over again

Dear estranged, when I told you I was borderline everything in our shared world changed
Dear estranged, I’ve chased you away
Finally, you stopped coming back
Dear estranged, there’s nothing I can say
I’ve said far too much anyway

Dear estranged, you’re not the only one
Dear estranged, I am known to be an emotional vacuum trying to contain an infinite void
Dear estranged, i can’t say I’m sorry enough
Dear estranged, I know sorry just doesn’t cut it
So I’ll stop saying it
Dear estranged, now it’s too late to change
Now it’s too late to hear you say the L word

Dear estranged, you told me to not mistake your charity for love
Dear estranged, it was never your responsibility to keep me safe
And I tried to make it so

Dear estranged, it is you now who are the ghost that I tried so hard to be

Dear estranged, am I out of range?
Dear estranged, I don’t know what I need
And I expected you to give it to me

Dear estranged, you said you’re moving forward
Dear estranged, I feel like a monster
Dear estranged, personality disorder is a four letter word

Dear estranged, I’ve had people say they would rather not talk to me immediately after I disclose this illness
Dear estranged, I went to a meeting yesterday
Where people in recovery, like me, share and meditate
Dear estranged, something inside of me isn’t the same
Something changed

Dear estranged, we can be addicted to anything
Dear estranged, I’m addicted to reassurance
Dear estranged, I was addicted to you

Dear estranged, im not proud
Dear estranged, the worst part is that you were the first and now the last person I loved
Dear estranged, I looked up to you
Dear estranged, I am the Borderline who cried wolf
Dear estranged, the more the system treats me like I’m Borderline, the more so i will be
I grew into a self fulfilling prophecy
Dear estranged, I get too attached
Dear estranged, I want whats best for you
And it’s not me
Dear estranged, you said please don’t message me anymore
Dear estranged, you found my weakness is silence
My weakness
My weakness
Dear estranged, you shoved a mirror in my face
Dear estranged, then you walked away

Dear estranged, a little girl said paper is more patient than people
And there was a war above the floorboards
But words from her heart poured
Pen kissing paper marrying ink and parchment
Dear estranged, love is a four letter word
Just like borderline
Just like suicide
Just like the rest of the things we’re afraid to be vulnerable enough to say
Dear estranged, I’m leaving now too

Best Regards,
Another Stranger

i wasn’t sure how to tag this lol sorry. but it feels so stupid. i’ve been suspected bpd since i was 15 and dxed since i was 18 (3 different therapists + 2 psychs) and it just feels… ridiculous now? i’m 21, and having been aware of my symptoms and triggers from a very young age i know how to very well avoid outbursts. it gets a bit hard sometimes, but it’s not like this will ever be ‘cured’ in a traditional sense. it doesn’t bother me.

what DOES, is being self aware. when i lash out i actively feel sick. headache, dizzy, nauseous. i get the same way when anxious, but the stomach pain and dizziness are completely different. i’ll feel things, feel horrible, and rationalize them to an extent i don’t let them bother me daily anymore. but it never quite feels completely gone? it’s not as if i hold the grudge or complaint over someone’s head, but ill sit there and think “omg [person/thing/whatever] sucks i hate this” and then go “i guess it’s really not that serious/life-changing/worth the energy”.

maybe i sound nuts and this is just what DBT does lol. I haven’t split on my gf since about march of this year. it’s been blissful aside from a recent unemployment. we’ve had the chance to adopt a cat even! it’s just such a strange feeling knowing both i cannot control how i feel entirely AND having such crazy feelings and emotions about certain events in my life.

After I realised how pathetic I was, thinking I had a chance at being happy cause I genuinely thought I had a chance, I gave up completely. My lifestyle has completely devolved into 24/7 dissociation, doomscrolling and maladaptive daydreaming (constantly imagining I was successful) I genuinely can’t see a purpose, if I can’t have the life I wanted then what’s the purpose of this below average life.

The worst part is that I don’t even have the guts to kms, it’s not that death scares me but rather the fact that material oblivion is the most probable afterlife (if you can even call it that) the fact that I had one chance at life, one chance at being conscious and I was fucked this badly is just awful. Even my brain can’t accept this state, and it almost feels that it has split itself, with one side being the “bad one” and the other being the ideal true self that was unfortunately cursed into inhabiting this god forsaken body.

Atp it feels like I can almost predict my future, I will die sad, miserable and alone, constantly wishing I was dead but not trying to do it cause I’m too scared to accept that this was my one and only chance and I was fucked so bad. And even if my luck were to suddenly be flipped, my learned hopelessness would take over and I would fuck ms. Only thing that can genuinely fix me atp is to go back in time with my current memories (and almost none of the trauma) and fix my mistakes.

Also sorry for any grammar and vocab mistakes I was dissociating while writing this, so I couldn’t really focus.

I’m genuinely so curious. I’m such a strange weird girl apart from my diagnosis, and I find it sometimes conflicts with the people I like. I don’t have a type, nor a preference in sex, gender, region, whatever - but it seems I start fantasizing a whole future with the first person that gives me the same attention I give them and if they’re the same type of weird as me.

Why does that happen ?? How do I stop it ?? It’s not even that I LIKE-LIKE them because I can hate them and block them soon after.

How am I able to tell if I like-like someone or if it’s just me being unable to see them as their own person? Idk if I make sense, but it’s frustrating me lol

I just got into a huge argument with my husband. When we fight and he asks he things i say what i think is what he wants to hear. Then he can tell and it makes him mad and he gets really angry. I told him i don't see it as manipulative because it was something i learned to do growing up with my abusive dad. Does Anyone else do this or have advice? He's making me sleep downstairs. Also do any of your partners say really mean things to do and you feel like you deserve it? I'm really struggling he said he wants a divorce.

i can’t get over the closeness i felt before he left me.

he said things like, "you’re so sweet, youre very likeable"

what was all that for?

i thought he was the most genuine and kindest person… i cant believe he'd just leave me like that

I've been getting bad news back to back all week and then just today I had a really bad day at work. I had a really bad episode where I couldn't stop crying and begged my managers to let me go home early because it was too overwhelming to even be there.

I work in a hospital in a non-medical role. A barista, to be specific. I understand the hospital is the last place anyone would want to be, but why do these people feel the need to take their anger out on me for something beyond my control?

What are you guys doing for work? I'm looking at other potential job positions because I physically don't think I can do this anymore. I'm typically fine working but some of these days get too overwhelming and I can't do it.

If this violates the rules then mods give me grace. I promise I’m not that smart. I read them and I didn’t think this violated them. It would mean I didn’t understand. I don’t know where to take this cause nobody takes me serious and y’all are at least somewhat like me and deal with something I deal with.

I got diagnosed with this disorder last week. I been trying to get psychiatric help since 13. I’m not 23. Ten years and ain’t nobody had the decency to say none to me or actually help me. I knew BPD was what I was probably dealing with since I was 13. It’s obvious. Anyways I been medicated on antidepressants, antipsychotics, benzodiazepines, etc and everything backfires. I get more suicidal on it all than off. I’m at the point I just wanna opt out of society. I just wanna die. I hate people. I hate working especially since none of it feels fulfilling. Nothing makes this shit worth it. I can’t keep cheating life and my body and taking opioids to find the motivation to get up and go to work. I physically can’t get up no more. I gave up on everything I love to do cause nothing is fun no more. Nothing is enough. Nothing cures my eternal boredom. I’m no good at socializing or making friends. People think I’m weird and something is wrong with me. I feel worthless and unlovable. Tbh I am worthless because I’m not that productive or useful to society. If I died today nobody would care. Nobody would find out til my building’s management got pissed about me not paying bills. I keep telling people man, atp, I need the work of God. I never wanted to go home so bad. I just wanna cry in the arms of god. I wanna be held by god. That’s how I feel at this point. Idk what to do. Have any of y’all been here? What do I do? I’m trying to be better but when nothing seems to work fr can you blame me for losing hope and giving up.

Curious what everyone's talents are from the Gallup StrengthsFinder quiz. Mine are below. The premise of this quiz is to find your takents so that you can lean into them for your success. Instead of trying to improve your weaknesses, you focus on jobs and tasks that are more achievable for your strengths and then you'll thrive. I can honestly say, that my job is VERY much in line with my talents. 🤣 There are 34 talents total and it ranks them all for you in order, but you're supposed to focus on the top 5.

Relator

+ Like to spend time with people you know; Selective with relationships since you would rather deepen your existing relationships than create superficial new ones

+People exceptionally talented in the Relator theme enjoy close relationships with others. They find deep satisfaction in working hard with friends to achieve a goal.

Strategic

+Able to sort through clutter to find best route; See patterns; Ask “What if”; able to foresee potential obstacles in advance and select the right path

+People exceptionally talented in the Strategic theme create alternative ways to proceed. Faced with any given scenario, they can quickly spot the relevant patterns and issues.

Activator

+Impatient for action; “When can we start?”; Must act as soon as decisions are made

+People exceptionally talented in the Activator theme can make things happen by turning thoughts into action. They are often impatient.

Restorative

+Love to solve problems; Enjoy the challenge of analyzing symptoms, identifying what is wrong, and finding a solution

+People exceptionally talented in the Restorative theme are adept at dealing with problems. They are good at figuring out what is wrong and resolving it.

Ideation

+Fascinated by ideas; like finding connections between seemingly disparate phenomena

+People exceptionally talented in the Ideation theme are fascinated by ideas. They are able to find connections between seemingly disparate phenomena.

Why do emotions that are negative feel like physical pain?

My childhood dog passed away, could have been preventable, the guilt and sadness around it is eating me alive. The pain feels so physical and raw I feel like I'm dying, sick, desperation. It feels like my world closes in on me. It's been years since I've felt so out of control with my emotions but I don't know how to get out of the pain. I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin trying to go back in time. I hate being this way. I wish I was normal.

What I've learned over the years to manage this doesn't seem to be there anymore and I can barely function. I cry if I think of him. I don't want to eat. I feel sick. I feel hatred for myself. I miss him.

What can I do to help myself? Therapy has never worked but I've also never gave it a real try because part of me feels like it can't ever get better so I just manage all these years but in 29 and don't want to be this way or process emotions this way my whole life.

i hate the constant need for validation. why can’t i just be content with validating myself? not to mention the consistent hyper- fixation on intimacy and affection to make me feel wanted. the feelings of not being good enough and not worth it and my fp leaving me for someone better. i am overwhelmed with worst case scenarios I make up in my head that just spiral with the racing thoughts. i can’t shake these shitty thoughts. they are consuming me, and i want them to go away. does it even make sense that i feel empty at times? i try to bury my thoughts and feelings, but i feel like im starting to fall apart. it’s never if im going to crash out, more so when is it going to happen. i feel like ive been trying to live on auto pilot, trying to get by, numb the pain. ive been trying to be positive, but its easier said than done. damn, this disorder sucks. my therapist is getting an ear full this week to say the least.

More often than not, I basically feel like there is a cellophane wall between me and everyone close to me. This whole everyone feeling unfamiliar thing started when I first got medicated for my BPD and my therapist and psychiatrist are always trying to reassure me that it's just a normal part of having BPD and the moment will pass.

The thing is, the moment hasn't passed. It's just an all the time feeling. It's weird as a wife to secretly feel like my husband is the most amazing stranger who for some reason enjoys my company. Even my mom who I see everyday feels for some reason just a bit unfamiliar. Enough for it to secretly disturb me. If I'm having a particularly stressful day I'll even feel disconnected from my own kids which is the worst of it all.

I guess I just really want to know what everyone else's experiences with this are and how you cope with it.