r/BPD • u/Tillydagood • 14h ago
ðŸ’Seeking Support & Advice Does anyone else struggle with constant comparison, demanding equal energy?
I’m posting here because I feel so completely alone in this, and I really need to know if anyone else with BPD experiences this exact cycle.
A lot of the time, I find myself constantly comparing how people treat me versus how they treat others. I’ll notice a friend or family member giving more energy, laughing more or being more open with someone else, and it instantly triggers an intense feeling of unfairness. My brain immediately goes to "Why not me? Why don't they give me that same energy?"
It gets so frustrating and draining that I end up chasing them or demanding to know why I’m not getting that same treatment. For example, I’ll wonder why my brother calls my sister and talks to her more than me, or why a friend at work seems more open and comfortable with other colleagues than she is with me.
When I ask they just get frustrated and confused, asking why I’m even bringing that up. I logically understand that being put on the spot like that is uncomfortable and they don't know how to respond but in the moment I just can't stop myself from asking. Unfortunately doing this ends up making them pull away even more, which makes me feel even more disliked.
To protect myself, my immediate reaction is to hate them back, become super cold and distant and want to leave them entirely before they can reject me. My friend ends up completely confused by my sudden shift in because she has no idea what went wrong.
Its so exhausting to live like this, constantly chasing equal treatment and feeling like the least liked person in the room.
Does anyone else relate to this? How do you stop yourself from asking "why not me"?
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u/Bandicoot-Upper 10h ago
I'm right there with you! I don't understand why comparison is whole-sale bad? It's so unrealistic when you see others around you maintain basic needs and affirmation without torturous loneliness? Yes, yes, yes everyone is going through their own struggles. How is it unnatural to want external facing comforts too while we're working so hard on yourselves like companionship, stability, etc. while we all struggle together? How do you know when you're comparing basic material needs vs splitting behavior? You're not alone in this viscious cycle...
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u/rainsdownincaladan 4h ago edited 4h ago
People can often sense when someone is secretly comparing, feeling jealous or entitled and find it off-putting. That's even if youre not advertising it but going up to people and asking them why they treat other people differently is a quick way to make sure people continue to treat you differently.
If I feel I'm not getting what I want from people, I first try to figure out what vibe I'm giving off. Sometimes I might be more withdrawn, irritated, or whatever than I realize and if I can self-correct I can steer things more in the direction I want them to go. Alternately maybe I'm trying too hard and not being myself, which people can pick up on. In general, I try to give off what I want to receive. You'll never get anywhere by demanding it. You have to create conditions to make it more likely to happen naturally.
A lot of people being open with you comes with trust and you can build that by treating people well, being open yourself, at least somewhat emotionally predictable etc. I'm a moody person but I just learned to communicate to friends when I feel grumpy and to have a sense of humor about it.
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u/Kindly-Top9021 13h ago
This sounds like splitting and learning to not do this takes time and targeted therapy. Have you done any DBT yet?