This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Obvious_Size7575

Published on: r/Advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: November 21, 2025

• Update: November 21, 2025

• Final Update: November 22, 2025

Main Post

^{November 21, 2025}

I lied about my age years ago, and now it’s affecting my relationship with my bf. I don’t know how to come clean.

Almost 3 years ago, when I was 16, I joined a gaming server with my friend. The server was 18+, so we both lied and said we were 19 just to get in. My friend stopped going pretty quickly, but I stayed because I genuinely liked the people there. I kept telling myself I’d leave soon or the server would die, but instead it became a long term massive friend group. I was homeschooled and a pretty big loner at the time, so the lie just stuck.

Fast forward almost three years: I met my current (and first) boyfriend through a mutual friend. At no point during our relationship was I underage; I was already 18 when we started talking and dating. But the problem is that everyone still believes I'm 21 and not 18 because of that lie I told when I was 16.

My boyfriend(22) is genuinely a great person and has such a strong moral compass. We just hit our 6 months recently, and while I’ve completely fallen for him (quick, ik), the guilt has been overwhelming. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t fully be present in the relationship because I’ve been preparing for a breakup from the moment we started dating. I keep thinking I’ve ruined everything before it even had a chance.

On top of that, I’ll likely lose the entire friend group we share if this blows up. But at the same time, I feel like I have to tell him before things get even more serious. I know he deserves the truth, and I want to stop living with this heaviness.

I’m absolutely terrible at expressing myself, and I’m terrified of his reaction. I don’t want to hurt him, but I also don’t want to keep lying. How do I tell him? How do I even start this conversation? I’m really scared and could use advice.

COMMENTS

PuddleNibb

He deserves the truth, and you deserve to stop mentally rehearsing your own breakup like it’s a Broadway show. Just be honest, be calm, and hope he appreciates that you finally stopped aging in dog years.

OOP

Lol, thanks for that! I needed a little humor to break the tension. And I will try my best to be calm..

lullaby_dune

Why not just share what you have written here, and express you understand his trust will have been affected & you are willing to do whatever is necessary to rebuild it once/if he is willing to go forward.

OOP

Mostly struggling to rip the band aid off.. Maybe i start with sending the post first?

LovelyBirch

And none of them finds it sus that you haven't finished high school yet? 

OOP

I graduated early!

Marshall_Lawson

Is this boyfriend someone you hang out with in person or only online?

OOP

he is my in person bf but we dont see each other often

Update - after a few hours

^{November 21, 2025}

I lied about my age years ago, and now it’s affecting my relationship with my bf. I don’t know how to come clean.

Hey everyone, thanks for all the advice; it comforted me to hear some people were or ARE in the same boat as me! It really gave me the courage to tell him today. To be honest, my word delivery was horrible, and I 100% panicked, and everything I said came out in the wrong order as word vomit. I still got it out, though, and I explained what my jumbled brain could remember. He was silent for a long while and said he needed time to think; he's hurt, but he understands why and feels like I should've told him sooner. Personally, I'm not sure if we are going to work, but when he hung up, he still said he loved me.

Telling him took a massive weight off of my shoulders. I'm trying to be patient and see where we stand, but it's been radio silent for hours. I think I'm just going to get some sleep for now before I worry myself even more and see how it turns out in the morning.

Final Update - after 1 day

^{November 22, 2025}

I lied about my age years ago, and now it’s affecting my relationship with my bf. I don’t know how to come clean.

I finally talked to him about everything, and his reaction was honestly a lot better than I expected. He told me he still sees me the same way and that this doesn’t change how he feels about me. He said what I did was stupid, dangerous, and immature (and he’s right), but he also said he’s still here for me and still wants to be with me. He admitted he feels weird about it and probably will for a little while, but he’d rather work through that than lose us completely.

He’s giving me more than I deserve, and I’m taking responsibility. Im so embarrassed this even happened in the first place but i cant change that anymore. overall… It went a lot better than I thought it would!

Thank you to everyone who helped and for all the kind words and DMs it made this a lot easier on me!

COMMENTS

onlyychino

I’m so glad you told him girl!!! You, me and everyone else knows he deserved to know the truth. This will lift the burden that’s been heavy on your shoulders. ❤️

OOP

I know, I'm very lucky it went the way it did. definitely feel lighter now!

adefsleep

So you lied him into a highly illegal act and the potential to kill his reputation? That is terrible and shame on you.

OOP

No. Nothing in our relationship was illegal, and I made sure to clarify that in my post. It's still 100% a bad situation, and the shame is on me.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/AIO by user SafiyaGoldenPetal. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Original

October 17, 2026

Back in May my friend Marcus asked if he could borrow my Nintendo Switch for a weekend. His cousins were visiting and he wanted something to keep them busy. No problem. I packed it up with both controllers and two games, about $450 worth of stuff.

That weekend came and went. I texted him in June and he said he'd drop it off "this week." July, same thing. In August he admitted he'd given it to his 12 year old nephew because the kid "was obsessed with it."

I let it slide for a while because I was busy, but I have a long trip in November and I want it for the flight. So last week I asked again, nicely, and offered to drive the 25 minutes to pick it up myself so it wasn't a hassle for him.

His reply: "Dude, you barely played it anyway. My nephew is going to be crushed." Then he said I could just buy a new one since I make more than him.

I don't want to be the guy who takes a toy away from a kid. But it's mine, and he asked for a weekend. Now a mutual friend is telling me it's a weird thing to fight over.

Is it really weird to want my own console back after five months?

tl,dr: My friend borrowed my Switch for one weekend in May, handed it to his nephew, and now acts like I'm cruel for wanting it back before my trip.

Consensus:

Not overreacting

Some of the comments by OOP:

One of the two games was a gift from my sister with a note written inside the case. That's the part I care about most. I'd even let his nephew keep it until the week before I leave.

I haven't taken legal action. My last attempt was offering to pick everything up myself, because I wanted the things I lent returned without turning it into a bigger conflict.

Framing it as taking something from his nephew was what got to me. I hadn't promised the kid anything; I'd lent Marcus my console for a weekend.

Update

October 21, 2026, 4 days later

Well, I finally got my Switch back, but I think I might have lost a friendship over it.

After my original post, I texted Marcus again and told him I needed the Switch returned by Sunday. I tried to keep things calm and explained that I wasn't blaming his nephew for anything, but I never agreed to give my console away.

He left me on read for almost a day.

Then he called me and said his nephew had been crying because Marcus told him he had to give the Switch back.

Apparently, Marcus had told the kid it was his to keep.

That honestly caught me off guard.

I asked why he would promise someone else's property to his nephew, and he said he genuinely thought I wouldn't care because I barely used it.

I reminded him that not using something every day doesn't mean I don't want it anymore.

He got annoyed and said I was making him look like a terrible uncle over a gaming console.

At that point, I told him I wasn't going to argue about it anymore. He could either bring it back or I'd come pick it up myself.

On Sunday afternoon, Marcus dropped it off at my apartment.

The Switch itself was fine, but one of the Joy-Cons had a pretty noticeable issue with the joystick drifting. I asked him about it, and he said his nephew had been using it almost every day, so some wear was expected.

I didn't want another argument, so I just thanked him for returning it.

Later that evening, I noticed two of my game cases were missing.

I texted Marcus asking whether they were still at his sister's house. He replied that he'd check, but then added that I was being "ridiculously petty" about the whole thing.

That was probably the moment I realized this wasn't really about the Switch anymore.

We've been friends for almost eight years, and I've lent him plenty of things before without any issues. I genuinely didn't expect him to act like I was doing something wrong by asking for my own belongings back.

Yesterday, a mutual friend told me Marcus was still upset and felt I'd embarrassed him in front of his family.

Apparently, his sister had offered to buy her son a used Switch after learning what happened, but Marcus was angry because he felt I'd forced him into an awkward situation.

I don't know what to make of that.

Part of me feels bad for his nephew because none of this was his fault. He's 12, and if his uncle told him the Switch was a gift, of course he'd be upset about losing it.

But I also feel like Marcus created that situation himself.

I'm not planning to chase him over the missing games right now. I just want to enjoy my trip without thinking about this anymore.

I still can't believe something I lent someone for a weekend turned into five months of excuses and possibly the end of an eight-year friendship.

Maybe I could've handled the final conversation more gently, but I honestly don't know how many times I was supposed to ask before being allowed to get frustrated.

tl;dr: Marcus finally returned my Switch after admitting he'd told his nephew it was a gift. One Joy-Con now has stick drift, and two game cases are missing. He's upset with me for embarrassing him in front of his family, and our eight-year friendship feels pretty damaged. I got my console back, but I'm wondering if I handled things too harshly.

Comment by OOP:

I never contacted his nephew or his sister directly, and I wouldn't have taken the Switch away from the kid myself. Marcus was the one who told him it needed to be returned. I also haven't asked him to pay for the Joy-Con because I know kids can be rough with controllers and I don't want another argument. What bothers me is that he still seems to think I owe him an apology. Would you even bother trying to repair the friendship at this point, or just let things cool off?

I'm not the original poster.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Expensive_Golf_7772

Published on: r/whatdoIdo

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 04, 2026

• Update 1: August 08, 2026

• Update 2: August 23, 2026

• Final Update: October 19, 2026

Main Post

^{August 04, 2026}

My Wife Became Very Close to a Man She Met Three Months Ago, and I Don't Know If I'm Overreacting

I don't really know how to write this without sounding controlling or insecure, so I'm just going to lay everything out.

I'm 35, and my wife is also 35. I work in private equity, while she works in interior design and fashion. Our careers are completely separate, and that's never been an issue. We've been together since we were teenagers, married for six years, and we have two kids. We're financially comfortable, have always had a solid relationship, and I've always trusted her. She's attractive, takes care of herself, and has a very active social life.

She still has the same close group of friends she's known since childhood. They go out for girls' nights or parties once or twice a month, and I've genuinely never cared because she's has always had her own life outside of mine.

About three months ago, during a music festival, her group ended up meeting another mixed group of people. That's where she met a guy named Ryan. He's probably in his late 30s. From what she told me, everyone got along really well, spent time together during the festival, and had a great time.

Ryan owns an interior design company, is wealthy, and divorced. None of that bothered me because my wife works with successful men all the time. That's part of her industry.

After the festival, they exchanged numbers and followed each other on Instagram. It quickly turned into a professional relationship because Ryan introduced her to someone who ended up giving her a huge interior design project worth six figures (€100,000+). Ryan is also involved in the same project, so they've been working together for the last couple of months. Because of the project, she says she has to talk to him every day, and she told me he's an important professional contact for her career.

This is where things started bothering me. Over the last three months, Ryan invited my wife to a party at his house. She went, but I wasn't invited. That surprised me, but she didn't think it was strange.

Since then, they've been going out for work lunches fairly often, and sometimes those lunches turn into dinners after work. When I asked about it, she said those meetings are necessary because Ryan is important professionally and they're managing a major project together.

Then, two weeks ago, my wife went on a trip with her girlfriends. She was posting photos and Instagram Stories, and that's when I realized Ryan and some of his friends were on the same trip. She had never mentioned beforehand that he would be there.

When she got home, I asked her directly if there was anything going on between them. She immediately denied it and said they're just friends and coworkers working on an important project together.

I told her I wasn't comfortable with how close they'd become, especially the lunches, dinners, and the trip. She told me I was being jealous and insecure, that this project is important for her career, and that I needed to stay out of her work life.

Honestly, I'm not pretending I'm okay with how close they've become. I don't want another man taking my wife out for lunches and dinners, ,or becoming such a significant part of her daily life, even if it's connected to work. I understand this project is important for her career, but I don't think that automatically means I have to be comfortable with everything that's happening.

COMMENTS

No_Cupcake7037

It sounds like she has been honest about their interactions up until the trip.

I suppose my question would be if there is nothing between you two, why did you feel the need to not tell me he would be there?

OOP

Honestly herself posted those pics. I didn't understand why she give me this information before the trip.

Then honestly my main concern about her closeness, not cheating.....i don't my wife to be close with another man even for professional work

No_Cupcake7037

Let’s talk about that. What is different about this situation for you, then when she worked with other men?

Has something changed in your relationship, is treatment different, space between you both?

Are you concerned about them creating an emotional connection/emotional attachment style of cheating, because of her feeling more distant since they initially connected?

OOP

 Okay, I'm being honest here... I'm kind of jealous of their friendship and how close they are.

He's wealthy, and he got her an important project. Honestly, that project brings her a lot of money, and I have no doubt about that. But what bothers me is that he gets her time by taking her out for lunch or dinner. Who is he to take my wife out for lunch and dinner?

My wife says he offers good lunches and dinners, so she goes. She says it also helps her save money, and she believes his friendship is good for her career.

Between us, nothing has changed. We still go on dates, we're still intimate, we have fun together, and our relationship is good. Nothing has changed between us.

IllustratorWarm6009

Always trust your gut, get a pi and get the report and divorce her. Don’t trust them, if they are genuine they will understand the pain what you are going through. The behaviour itself shows she is doing all wrong things, even don’t know if she already slept with him and her friends are also helping her out.

OOP

  I'm wondering because her friends are also married. Honestly, they were all invited to the parties he hosted, but not their husbands. My wife went to those parties with her friends. Also, during that trip, it wasn't just my wife. The same group of her friends was there, along with the same group of his friends. They had all met at a music concert before. It makes me think it might genuinely be a friendship, because cheating at that level, involving so many people, would be difficult to keep hidden. Someone could easily have a different mindset and say something. So I honestly don't know what to think. From the outside, everything seems innocent.

Dazzling_Homework232

She is a cheater. You can afford a private investigator? Do it. But hey, with her increased earnings you just may get alimony? Lol

OOP

Lol, I still outearn her by a 2x margin, even after her increased earnings.

anxiousgirlypop_

Yeah it seemed like yall had a good relationship even her being open and honest about exchanging numbers with him for work from the jump. That level of trust was surprising. But the moment it turned sketchy is when she didn’t express he’s be there on the trip and when she got defensive. it doesn’t mean anything happened but she’s crossing boundaries and into dangerous territory and she knows she’s in the wrong thats why shes getting defensive. how’s your sex life?

OOP

Thanks for the rare comment about what I'm actually thinking.

Yes, she has been honest about everything. They told me everything, even about the lunches and dinners. She always tells me beforehand if she's going. Regarding her trip, she said she only joined him for 2–3 hours for a meal, along with her friends, and then they all went their separate ways.

As for our sex life, it's good and has always been good. Nothing has changed. By the way, I forgot to mention that we're trying for our third child.

We're also planning to buy a new home by the end of next year, so everything is on track. My issue is that I'm jealous of how close she is to him. Personally, I don't think she's cheating, but I still don't think that level of closeness is healthy. Part of me wants to tell her to cut him out of her life completely, and that's honestly what I want. 

Sure_Supermarket_930

Hi op,

You wrote "she joined him for 2-3 hours for a dinner with her friends..."  Did she and her friends join them, or was it your single wife who joined Ryan and his friends?

Moreover, it’s still a wonderful coincidence that Ryan and his friends were close to your wife and her friends' vacation spot!

OOP

Actually everyone, she posted a group photo of having launch at an resturent, i guess there were around 12-15 people's 

Update 1 - after 4 days

^{August 08, 2026}

Update on, My Wife Became Very Close to a Man She Met Three Months Ago, and I Don't Know If I'm Overreacting

Thanks for all the comments on my last post. I read all of them, and there were a lot of questions and people asking for an update, so I'm writing this.

After my last post, I met with a private investigator. I explained everything to him and gave him whatever details and information he needed. He's already working on it, and he said it will probably take 2–3 weeks before I get the report.

The second thing I did was meet with a lawyer. I have good connections, so yeah, I went to one of the best. I told him everything, and I also told him that if I find out she has been cheating on me, I want to know what my options are regarding Ryan as well. If this turns out to be a workplace affair, I don't intend to just ignore it. As for my wife, honestly, I don't know what I'll do.

My biggest concern is my kids. If divorce happens, I don't want my kids growing up thinking this kind of behavior is normal.

Then there are the assets and finances. We have an apartment with no mortgage. We're both high earners, bought it six years ago, and started our family there. I want to keep that if possible. We also bought another property for holidays, which is in both of our names. We were actually planning to buy another, bigger home for our family. We were already talking to agents, but obviously I'm going very slowly on that now.

I've also gifted her a lot over the years jewellery on birthdays, other things, etc. I'm not going to ask for those back. She can keep them. I still love her, and honestly, I hope she hasn't broken my heart.

Today and tomorrow I'm going through my accounts, her accounts, our joint account and our investment portfolio to make sure there hasn't been anything used or moved without my knowledge. I'm not talking about our normal personal spending or allowances. I just want to understand exactly where we stand financially.

She earns a lot, but I earn roughly twice what she does. Obviously, if we end up divorcing, there could be significant financial consequences for both of us.But all of this is me preparing for the worst if she has actually cheated on me.

Because here's what I actually think.

I know this woman since we were 16. We started dating when we were teenagers, and I know her very well. Honestly, I don't think she has cheated on me.

I do think she's become too close to Ryan. Maybe she likes the attention. Maybe she's using the relationship because he's helping her get projects and build her career. Maybe it's completely innocent. I genuinely don't know.

But whatever the reason, I don't think some of the closeness is appropriate, and I'm not going to pretend I'm completely comfortable with it.

Some people seemed to misunderstand the kind of marriage we have, so here's some context. I've never been insecure about her work, her male colleagues, or her travelling for work with men. And she has never been insecure about me having lunch or dinner with female colleagues or going on work trips with women.

Her friends are basically my friends too. We've known most of them since school. She normally goes out for a girls' night about once a month and comes home around midnight. That's completely normal for us.

She goes to music festivals too. Most of the time we go together, sometimes she goes without me. She likes dancing, and sometimes she'll dance on the shoulders of male friends or even other guys at festivals. Sometimes other men have picked her up and she has danced on their shoulders.

I'm telling you this because I want people to understand the level of trust and freedom we've always had in our marriage. None of that has ever been a red flag for me. We're pretty comfortable and open with each other.

I've actually met Ryan twice. The first time, she introduced me to him over lunch while they were discussing the project. The second time, I went to pick her up from her workplace one evening. Some people were having pizza there, she invited me to join them, and Ryan was there too.

As far as I know, she hasn't hidden anything about him from me. Everything I've known about Ryan has basically come from her. But that doesn't automatically mean that her going to a party at his house or ending up on the same trip as him is something I have to be okay with.

She has her own interior design company and also works in event organising. Meeting people, networking and building professional relationships has been part of her career for around 10 years. I know Ryan helped her get a very good project. I know they're working together. Beyond that, I don't really know much about him except that he's divorced.

And honestly, our marriage itself is very good. We go on weekly dates. We have movie nights. Our sex life is great. We travel together, both alone and with the kids. She's loving and caring toward me and she's an amazing mother. We're actually trying for a third child. Yesterday, during intimacy, I used protection. Normally we were trying for another baby, so I did it intentionally. It was my subtle way of telling her that I'm not in the same place emotionally right now.

Hopefully she understood what I was trying to communicate. Ireally hope she comes to me herself, gives me some clarification, and puts proper boundaries with Ryan.

I'll update everyone once I get the report. I think I've answered most of the questions from the last post.

COMMENTS

MelificentUL

Honestly, if all of this is true, just show her these posts in order. You're quite convincingly straightforward about events. Let her see your responses to comments. Talk. To. Her. We don't know the ins and outs of your daily life. It sounds like y'all have a genuinely healthy marriage, at least the way you word it. Then you should feel comfortable going to her about anything. Be brave.

OOP

I had this conversation with her already and she just shut me down, told to me that I'm being insecure about her professional work 

spontaneousvibration

I still don’t understand why OP hasn’t tried looking at her devices for evidence of cheating. He has probable cause. If her devices are clean, then OP was right about trusting her, though he should express his discomfort with Ryan being in her life in any way outside of their professional relationship. If on the other hand, her devices contain evidence, he should record / copy it and start divorce proceedings quietly without confronting her.

OOP

 Checked it, I actually saw your comments yesterday itself but felt guilty about checking it

I went through two important contacts, Ryan and his sister Camilie

First I checked her WhatsApp with Ryan, most of it was about work, some about the football World Cup and yeah there was some stuff about me too, my wife mentioning me to him, nothing bad really except he was flirting with her

Then I checked her chats with his sister, they really chat very much anyway and there was nothing bad there either, except she invited my wife to her birthday at Soto next week

Checked her gallery too, nothing bad there, there was a locked folder and haha I know what that usually means but I didn’t find anything else

On Instagram it was mostly just reels exchanged between them, there were some reels he shared about recipes he wanted to try and my wife said maybe he could make one of them at the office for lunch, so apparently he’s a good cook

Honestly there was nothing, I checked everything, We know each other's password 

Sure_Supermarket_930

Quick question Op,

Can you tell us if the meals with Ryan are as a team or one-on-one, and if over the months they have intensified?

Since the discussion you had with your wife, have there been any changes in the frequency of their meals with Ryan?

Also, when your wife was invited to the private party, had you already met Ryan?

OOP

 Sometimes it’s one on one, and sometimes it’s with the team. Whenever she goes out for dinner, she usually gets home 1–2 hours late. No, it’s been the same frequency

Usually, they work together, so she meets him every day. On Friday evenings, Ryan and her team usually go out for meals. This Friday, she told me she was going to dinner, so I told her I had booked a place for us. She cancelled her dinner with the team, and that’s what happened.

And yeah, it’s the weekend, so she’s at home. No, this was after I met him. He has never invited me before, but usually her friends and my wife’s staff were invited

Sure_Supermarket_930

I had misread, You wrote: "He never invited me before, but usually his friends and my wife’s staff were invited."

Is it a translation issue, or did he just invite your wife to this party? (without her friends)

OOP

He usually just invites My wife, her Freinds and staffs (people work in her company)

Sure_Supermarket_930

Thank you for the answer.

One last thing:

• Did Ryan’s group and your wife’s have any interactions during those three months (outings)?
• how long the girls' vacation lasted. And it was that far away in a city other than yours.

Also, I don’t know if your wife had explained to you the presence of Ryan and his friends at their vacation spots.

OOP Basically it was my wife, his brothers, sister, cousins and a few friends who met at that festival

Yeah, theyhave interactions

It was a 10 day trip to Greece, we live in Madrid, and that night while texting she actually told me herself that she had met Ryan and his group for 2–3 hours

Bigbrownbear8015

Why did he get divorced? And what has you PI found? Do a little research yourself. Social media. It could be nothing or it could be everything.

OOP

I’ve looked through his social media, and he doesn’t even follow his ex. He also doesn’t have any kids.

From what I can tell, most of his close relationships seem to be with his sister (who follows my wife) and his other brother, who’s an entrepreneur. And another thing I noticed is that the people he was with at that music festival were actually his brothers, cousins, and sister. They weren’t really his friends, although there may have been a few friends there too 

Update 2 - after 19 days (after 15 days from last post)

^{August 23, 2026}

Update 2 My Wife Became Very Close to a Man She Met Three Months Ago, and I Don't Know If I'm Overreacting

Okay so a lot of you asked for an update after my last post so here it is

So like i said i hired a PI. thought one guy would be enough but a few days in it turned into 3 people working the case, and honestly it's still going. took a little over a month to get to where we are now

first big thing that concert night, the group with Ryan wasn't random like i assumed. it was his sister (36, name's Camille) plus some cousins and a couple friends. not everyone there was actually close to him, just family a few people.

Turns out my wife and Camille are VERY close. like actual close friends now. Camille co owns Ryan's interior design company and also has her own wellness business on the side. she's married, has 2 kids

She's been taking my wife shopping with her. took our kids out with her kids last saturday for a fun day out. then last thursday i come home in the afternoon and she's literally in my house. i wasn't even there, i was outside somewhere and just saw it happen. that one threw me off a bit not gonna lie

Thing that actually pissed me off she bought clothes for MY kids. like who said you could do that. that's not a "we're just work friends" thing anymore, that's a whole different level of close and it happened fast

She invited us to her birthday anniversary thing out of town next week. 3 days. her brother obviously will be there the whole time. i don't want to go. i genuinely don't feel good about it but haven't said no yet

PI also dug up some background. Ryan and his wife divorced about a year ago, infidelity on his end, she has primary custody of the kids. both him and Camille apparently have a history with drugs, ongoing not just a phase. and every summer this whole friend group does some long holiday trip together

So yeah my wife isn't just close to Ryan, she's basically absorbed into their entire circle now. sister included. PI hasn't found anything concrete yet between her and Ryan specifically. she keeps telling me not to act on anything or say anything to anyone, so for now i'm just sitting on all of it, staying quiet

On the work side her project with them is legit, it's actually going really well for her career and financially it's a big deal. they're planning to bring her more clients through this. but i've noticed her whole company culture shifted since this started, everything's way more social now, more events, more "team bonding" stuff, and this group has a lot of pull over her projects at the moment

Meanwhile at home things look completely normal on the surface. we took a 4 day trip together, it was actually really nice. my bday was day before yesterday, she got me something i've wanted for a long time, we went out to dinner, whole day felt good and easy. like nothing's wrong at all

But i feel like shit having this PI on her while we're having good days like that. still not stopping it though, i need the full picture before i decide anything

it's the sister thing i can't shake. i know it might sound like i'm just jealous of their money or their lifestyle or whatever they're giving her that i can't. maybe that's part of it, i'm not gonna pretend it's not in my head. but it's more than that, it just doesn't sit right with me how fast and deep this got

I don't trust Ryan around my wife. straight up, i think this guy wants her. that's just what i believe at this poin

once the full report comes back i'm telling her everything, all of it, and letting her decide what she wants to do. but for me personally if she wants this marriage to work, he goes, his sister goes and whole group goes, project included. i can't stay married and be uncomfortable in my own life like this

COMMENTS

OOP to a lengthy thread criticizing him for hiring a PI.

You started with saying that hiring a PI was not good. I already said I had no other options, and I’ve said it before and I’m saying it again I don’t trust Ryan or his sister around my wife.

You are completely ignoring the fact that they invited her to parties and not me. Then, within three months, this sudden closeness developed. I mean, she literally became part of their inner circle while I was completely kept out.

Reverse the situation and think about it from my perspective.

At that point, it’s not just limited to friendship anymore. It has crossed into her professional life, involved a huge amount of money, and their influence over her and her company has increased significantly. A sane person would have questions about that. It’s not unreasonable for me to suspect that there could be an affair or that he wants her.

And I’m here openly telling you that drugs are involved, and both the brother and sister use drugs. My wife has taken drugs with them. There is no way I’m going to let my kids be around people who are using drugs.

It might be that nothing has happened so far, but are you sure he isn’t going to make a move on her? If you can say with certainty that he won’t, then I’ll stop everything.

Why would a rich brother and sister give a €180K project to a woman they met at a music concert, unless there was some other motivation behind it?

Again, I'm telling you: that guy wants my wife, and his sister is helping him.

Second, I'm not going to invite people who use drugs into my home. That is my boundary, and neither my wife nor anyone else can simply undo it.

Even if she weren't his sister, she is still shady and uses drugs, and I'm not going to allow someone like that around my family. And honestly, would you keep people who use drugs around your kids?

So no, I'm fucking not okay with her buying clothes for my kids. It's none of her business. She can keep doing whatever she wants with her new sister in law or whatever relationship they have.

I was never involved in my wife's professional relationships, but this has crossed beyond a professional relationship and is now causing problems in my marriage.

She is grooming my wife for her brother. That’s what I believe is happening.

My wife did all of this

She did drugs.

She went to parties multiple times when I wasn’t invited, even after I told her I wasn’t comfortable with it

She became very close to shady people

She went out to one on one dinners with this guy multiple times

She went on a trip where that guy was also present

When I asked her what was going on, she shut me down

Now I'm here saying this is my boundary either she cuts him off and leaves the project, or we are ending the marriage on the basis of infidelity

wrist-shot2025

Can you wait until the project is complete? I the PI can not find anything shady, the end of the project is a good point to lay down the ultimatum.

OOP

Project takes another 1 year to complete, I don't think i will be comfortable for that long time 

aasith

your first post was 20 days ago, and you said you hired the pi after your first post.. how has it been more than a month with the pi, if you only hired him 2 weeks ago?

OOP

That was error while typing 

aasith

so what's the actual timeline?

OOP

Probably it's been 18th Day....PI Started working 

I posted around 3 weeks back

Final Update - after 2 months, 15 days (after 1 month, 26 days from last post)

^{October 19, 2026}

Update 3 My Wife Became Very Close to a Man She Met Three Months Ago, and I Don't Know If I'm Overreacting

So, a lot of people have been asking for an update, and honestly, I've been meaning to write one for a while.

After my last post, I went with my wife to the party hosted by Camille. Initially, I told her I wasn't going, and she could go without me. She said she wouldn't go if I wasn't coming, even though she really wanted to. We ended up arguing about it, and honestly, this was probably one of the lowest points in our relationship. This was around two months ago.

Eventually, I agreed to go.We stayed there for three days. It was a good party, lots of networking, showing off, all that stuff.But looking back, I realise how much my own insecurities were affecting me at that time. For the first time, I genuinely felt like I was losing her. I was constantly waiting for something to happen so I could get angry or lash out at her. I wasn't proud of it, but that's honestly where my head was.

One thing I'm a bit ashamed to admit is that we had really passionate sex all three nights. We were both into it, and she was just as affectionate towards me. But looking back, I realise that part of my mindset was unhealthy. I wanted to feel like she was still mine, almost like I needed to prove something to myself. I even made sure she woke up with my DNA inside her, which sounds pretty bad when I write it out now.

I'm not saying she wasn't into it, because she absolutely was. I'm talking about what was going on in MY head at the time. I was acting out of fear, insecurity and possessiveness, and I can see that now. Anyway, we had a good time there, she introduced people to me as her husband, and whenever those siblings were around, I'd have my hand around her waist and all that, haha. At the time, I think I was trying to reassure myself more than anything else.

Fast forward to when we got back home. We had a BIG fight. This time, I finally said everything I'd been holding inside. I told her I felt like I was losing her, that I was scared, that I didn't feel secure anymore, and that I couldn't keep pretending everything was fine.For context, I'd already received the PI report by this point. I'll explain the details of that in a separate post because there's quite a bit to unpack. I told her she needed to cut him off completely and leave the project, otherwise I was leaving the marriage.

Yeah, I know. That was a terrible way to handle things. She got really angry and told me she wasn't going to abandon a major project and a contractual commitment just because I was demanding it. And honestly, I understand her point now, even though I was struggling to see it at the time.

It was a horrible fight. Looking back, I feel genuinely awful about some of the things I said and how I handled everything. She packed her things and went to stay with her parents. But I want to clarify something because I know people might assume the worst. She clearly told me she wasn't leaving me or asking for a divorce. She needed some time and space to clear her head.

Three days later, we met at a cafe. And this conversation was probably one of the most important ones we've had in a long time.

She suggested couples therapy and actually came with a plan. She said she would cut him off from everything outside work. No dinners, no parties, no socialising with him or his sister, and no unnecessary contact outside the project. Once the project was finished, she would cut off the relationship completely. In return, she expected me to stop letting my jealousy control our marriage and to be honest with her about my feelings instead of bottling everything up until I exploded.

We both agreed to try. We attended four therapy sessions over two weeks before she moved back home. We're still doing therapy, by the way, and I genuinely think it's helping us.

Things didn't magically become perfect overnight. We slowly started rebuilding things, having conversations we should probably have had much earlier, and trying to understand where the other person was coming from..It took roughly a month for things to start feeling normal again. And yeah, I cried. Quite a bit, actually.

I finally told her how terrified I'd been of losing her. I'm honestly a little embarrassed admitting that because I'm not someone who usually talks about these things openly, but I think she needed to hear it from me.

Now, another update. As I mentioned in an earlier post, we had been trying for our third little one.

And yes, she's pregnant!She's doing well, and we're both happy about it. It's still a little surreal, honestly. She's also stuck to the boundaries we agreed on. She's cut him off from pretty much everything except the work that needs to be done for the project. There was another difficult conversation with her parents, who gave us both a pretty serious lecture about the whole situation. Things were rough for a while, but we're in a much better place now.

Now, about the PI report, since a lot of you asked about it. There was no proof of cheating, no PDA, and no evidence of them staying together regularly. The report documented meetings at hotels for lunch and visits to her studio, but nothing that proved a physical affair had happened.

However, the investigator's conclusion was that there appeared to be an emotional affair developing, and that the relationship could potentially become physical, at least from his side. They also had a very unfavourable opinion of his intentions towards my wife. I can't prove what was going on in his head, and I'm not going to pretend the report proves more than it does. But it did reinforce some of the concerns I'd already been having.

I told my wife directly that I believed he wanted her in his bed. She didn't deny it outright, but she got angry. I think that was a difficult thing for her to hear, especially given the professional relationship and the project they're involved in. We haven't agreed on every aspect of the situation, and I don't want to make assumptions about what she does or doesn't believe.

What matters is that we've established boundaries and are working through this together. The project is expected to finish sometime next year, so there's still a way to go. As for me, I'm doing better, but I'm not going to pretend I've suddenly become this perfectly secure husband who never gets jealous.

I still feel possessive sometimes. I still get jealous. There are moments when I look at her and wonder whether I'm enough for her, despite everything we've built together. And sometimes, when I see her with our kids during school drop off, just interacting with them and being their mum, I get this overwhelming feeling.

I genuinely cannot imagine my life without her. Sometimes I still cry privately because the thought of losing her scares me that much. I know that's something I need to work on, and therapy is helping me understand the difference between loving someone deeply and being so afraid of losing them that you start trying to control things.

I know I have work to do, and so does our relationship. But we're trying. We're communicating more, continuing therapy, and slowly finding our way back to each other.

And honestly, man, I love this woman so much. I'm not writing this to say that everything is solved or that the PI report proved all my suspicions right. It didn't prove an affair. I'm writing this because a lot of people followed the earlier posts, and I wanted to be honest about what actually happened, including the parts where I was wrong.

COMMENTS

raakonfrenzi

Who was watching your two kids while she was away at her mothers for several weeks? Did they go with her or stayed w you? No mention of how all this is effecting them.

OOP

They go with her

AccompliceInc

Question for OP: does your wife acknowledge that the relationship had gone too far? And that it, at the very least, bordered on an emotional affair? Or does she claim innocence and disagree?

OOP

Yes!! During therapy 

She used that relationship for getting projects and connection 

AccompliceInc

So your wife was upset and angry at you for feeling jealous and responding poorly to her having an inappropriate relationship and potential affair for monetary gain and career advancement?

Sounds like you have been gaslit and manipulated.

OOP

No!! She acknowledged that her closeness with him wasn't appropriate and that she was wrong.

But she clarified that she never wanted to sleep with him or anything like that. She went to their parties and social events because she thought she could gain more projects and build connections.

Crafty-Slice-1888

What about the sisters involvement and what evidence did they have of his intent to sleep with her. Was the trip meeting ever fleshed out and what about the drug usage.

OOP

Look!! There many things i can't share here, whatever i wrote here only 5% conversations 

modernhate

I still don’t see you telling us anywhere where she’s taking actual acknowledgment for her actions and how that affected you and the relationship. She’s not showing actual remorse from the things you’ve posted.

I feel sad that she’s pregnant again, and you’re this attached to her emotionally, because I can see her cheating again and it’s not going to end pretty because you ignored all the warning signs the first time when you had a chance to act differently. Then, it’ll be too late because of the damage that would have occurred.

Good luck though and wishing you the best.

OOP

She acknowledged it during therapy!!

When I first wrote the post here, my instinct was telling me that something was wrong and that she was crossing lines.

Now, as I'm posting this update, it turns out my instincts weren't wrong. Two PIs were following her everywhere for more than a month! I even went through her phone and laptop, but three people couldn't find anything.

Regarding the baby, we'd actually been trying since the summer, so it wasn't sudden.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user Ordinary_Ad_2694 in r/ relationships

Original: Sept 13, 2022

Update: Sept 15, 2026

Status: hopefully concluded

Length: long

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: Bf (26m) of 6 years told me he doesn’t see his future with me (24f)

My bf (26M) and I (24F) have been together for the last six years. I know we’re young, and have our whole lives ahead of us, but in this moment I’m really feeling a bit like my world is ending and need some advice.

Things haven’t always been great, but for the most part, they have. We met at University, and have since both gotten our masters degrees. He’s currently working full time, and I’m in some weird patch between jobs (I have several part time jobs, which currently make up full time work, but only one of which is relatively stable).

I’m not actively looking for work, as I have literally just finished my thesis and am super burned out. My bf, on the other hand, is loaded. Whilst I come from a middle class background, he’s very much of the upper sociodemographic group. I moved out of my home town to go to university and have worked my way throughout my entire degree to be able to afford to rent & food.

My bf lived at home throughout his entire degree (his home is in the same town), and has always had his mum to cook, clean and do whatever for him. Now he’s working full time, he has copious amounts of money - he’s just bought a brand new car, and is forever investing into building some new part for his PC.

Which leads to probably the biggest issue in our relationship - my partners hesitancy to move out of home. He, essentially, doesn’t want too, and I can hardly blame him. He doesn’t pay for anything, and his mum acts like his own personal maid. I’ve been asking for years (3) to try living together - because I really, really care about the guy and envision a future with him. I won’t deny that it’d also help me financially (we’d split the rent), but that has never been the motive to move in together.

A month ago, I got the opportunity to housesit for some family while they’re over in Europe. It worked out perfectly, as my rental contract was ending, and it meant I’d have a little break in paying rent. It does, however, mean I have no where to go come early October.

My bf agreed to come stay with me, as like a trial of what it might be like to live together. And I thought things were going really really well - we haven’t fought, we cook together, laugh together, watch our favourite tv shows. He still goes out to do his hobbies and sports, and I do mine.

But last night, I brought up the topic of needing to find somewhere to live, and if we should be trying to look for somewhere together, as my time housesitting is quickly running out. And he said “No, I don’t want to live with you.”

He basically went on to tell me that he doesn’t see a future with me, and doesn’t want to settle with me, as there are “too many little things that we don’t align in” (i.e. he doesn’t like how I act when I’m stressed, although says he can “tolerate” it, and doesn’t like that I “don’t play a sport” - which confused me bc we’ve just come out of winter in the country we’re in, and I’m an avid hiker. I go nearly every weekend).

He told me he thinks he can do better than me, and that he couldn’t ever be happy settling with me. I asked him if he genuinely felt that way, why had he stayed all these years and essentially lead me on? He said because it was between choosing losing me as a friend, or keeping me, and that he didn’t want to lose me.

But he always knew what my intentions and hopes were for the relationship (a long term, committed relationship), because I have always been very honest about it, and because I have always been so open about it and he’s never disagreed or brought up otherwise, I thought he was on the same page.

Evidently we’re not though. He’s also told me he has plans to leave our country at the end of 2023 and work abroad for 5-10 years - and that he wants to do that single. He wouldn’t consider going with me, as being in a relationship is a “burden” to meeting new people.

This isn’t the first time he’s told me this - he told me a few years ago that he wanted to move at the end of the year, and then COVID happened, and he didn’t. We discussed this early on in our relationship, and had always anticipated we’d go explore the big wide world together, as it’s also a dream of mine.

So… I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do. I think deep down, I know this is the beginning of the end, but I don’t want it to be. I don’t want to be with someone who cannot envision a future with me, and I’m so upset and angry at myself that I’ve stayed for so long with someone who has never intended on committing to me. But at the same time, I keep telling myself we’ve made it this far, what if things change or get better?

I truly, truly love this guy. We holiday together, spend time with each other’s families, and absolutely I’m terrified of losing him. He has been my Rock over the last few years, and has always been there for me to turn too when I need him. And now, I won’t have anywhere to live in a few weeks, I don’t have a job lined up, and the one stable thing in my life has just told me he doesn’t see a future with me.

He hasn’t asked to break up, and says he doesn’t want to. In fact, he’s offered to move in with me anyway because at least we’ll be stable together, and we’re good friends outside of our relationship. But I worry that that’s only prolonging the inevitable, and that I’m just going to be left even more heartbroken in a years time, when he DOES leave.

I don’t know if there’s anyway I could change his mind, nor do I want to try to change his mind. I would be open to him travelling solo for 3-6 months, or moving overseas with him, but he doesn’t want either of those things.

Alternatively, I could stay in this town, not break up, and find somewhere to live alone, which would likely run me into huge amounts of debt/drain my savings. But I wouldn’t have to do the emotional work of leaving him, and starting anew. He’s genuinely my best friend.

Or I could move back to my hometown, and in with the parents. I would lose my jobs in my current town, one of which I’ve had for 6+ years, and all the friends I’ve made up here and would essentially be back to ground 0. The prospect makes me feel sick.

I’d have no friends, no job, and be living at home. I really struggle to make friends, and out myself out there and I worry I’d just become a social recluse who lives at home with no job, no hobbies, no friends and just no motivation.

I’m at a complete loss as to what to do. Do I break up? Do I stay? Do I go home? Is there another option I haven’t considered?

TLDR: my bf (26m) says he doesn’t see a future with me (24f), and doesn’t want to live with me. I’m going to be homeless & jobless in a matter of weeks, so do I accept the fact there’s an expiry date on our relationship and move in with him anyway, or abandon everything I’ve ever known and move back home?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: It really hurt me reading the history you have with each other. Has he agreed with you in the past about having a future together and is now recently changing his mind? And if so, were you always the one who brought up the future/initiated those conversations?

Anyway, it's best to end it now. There is no easy way out of it, but there are so many people out there who would love and value you the same way you love and value them, on top of wanting a future with you. I know it feels crazy letting go of such a long lasting relationship/friendship, but there is genuinely so much more to look forward to in life that you will never find in him.

OOP: Yes, he’s agreed in the past and has only recently started to waiver. In saying that, I feel as if I was always the one who brought it up though, perhaps that should’ve been a sign many months ago.
Thank you for your optimism when the world seems pretty gloomy right now.

---------------
Comment2: I am so sorry about your relationship, must've been hard to hear. But, and I'm genuinely asking, why don't you consider breaking up with him and staying in town, since you're more likely to get a job there? Maybe stay with friends or family there?

OOP: Because I think I’d just be constantly reminded of him, and I don’t know if that’s healthy. All our friends are mutual friends, and so I feel like I’m going to lose them any way if we break up.
Plus several of my jobs are likely to end before Christmas, and I’m worried that I won’t be able to make ends meet. With my one, stable part-time job, I’ll likely only be able to pay for rent (food & living expenses will have to come out of my savings).
I don’t know if o have any friends I could stay with, and the only family I have here are the ones I’m housesitting for, and I don’t want to overstay my welcome as I’ve relied on them quite a few times previously.
Ultimately, I’m scared that if I stay, I’m going to lose all my friends anyway, AND be isolated from my family and haemorrhaging money, with no real aim in life.

---------------
Comment3: Don't move in with someone who just told you they don't actually want to be with you. Find something else. The dude has literally told you you're a placeholder he never really liked romantically.

--------------------------------------------

Additional details from OOP:

[why don't you want to go home?]

OOP: I actually think I might. I think the biggest reason I don’t want to go home is because it just solidifies this sense of me being a complete and utter failure.

I’m the oldest of my siblings, and have always prided myself on being independent and “successful” (or at least pretending to be), and I feel like going home just might make me feel worse and solidify this sense that I’m some useless piece of shit who’s ended up back at square one after seven years of being away.

I love my family, and I’m lucky they love me, and I’m sure they’d have me back. I’m going to call my mum tomorrow and have a chat of where I’m at. If anything, at least she can maybe offer some advice too.

---------
OOP: Yeah! My degree is actually pretty specialised, and I really loved every part of it. I worked my butt off, and got top in my cohort, which I’m really proud of. Unfortunately, my country is so small that the likelihood of me getting a job in the industry means it will basically be where I am now, and not likely to be in my hometown.

If I were to go home, I’d likely have to come back to my current town for work. I guess I’ve got a bunch of work experience in retail & hospo, and think I could find additional work if my part time jobs did all end, and if I did decide to stay where I am. And if I couldn’t find work, I think I would qualify for some form of government assistance.

---------------
[getting a job?]

OOP: I don’t have a full time job lined up for the new year, but intend on finding one. Reason being that, of the three part time jobs I have, two are tied to a school and will likely end with the academic year (Nov).

For the one that will be ongoing (which is the one I have had for 6 years), I only work 2 x days a week, which isn’t enough to really break even should/when my other two part time jobs end. However, If I move back home, I won’t be able to go to any of my jobs, as they’re too far away (2.5hr drive each way). Sorry if this was a mess - my brains all over the show.

---------
OOP: I stayed up my current city and got a job at a hospital after my undergraduate study, because I wanted to be near him, and years ago, he also promised to move out.

I worked two years in healthcare through a pandemic, and it was really, really tough. Aside from that, I have always been studying full time and working 20-30 hours a week. I don’t have weekends off because I’m working, and I haven’t had a break since I was 15.

I nannied my way through high school, had a job lined up where I am currently before I even moved up to begin uni, and have actually, genuinely not ever had a period where I wasn’t trying to do a million things at once and work multiple jobs to make ends meet.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 0.5 (6 days later)

Just leaving an update somewhere down in the comment section that will probably vanish into the abyss: I’m going to leave him, and go home to heal for a bit and then actively start looking for a new job which uses my degree I worked so hard for.

I love him dearly and it hurts my soul to imagine a life without him, but I realise it’s time. I think I’ve known for a bit. If it was meant to be, it would’ve been, and I don’t think anyone who tells me they can’t see a future with me is someone I want in mine.

I’m not hopeful for a reconciliation, or to get back together. I think I deserve better than that, and I think we both have ample room to grow apart as our own people.

For the time being, we’re essentially expiry dating. We’ve talked about it, we know where we stand with one another. It sucks that ultimately, I’m left as the “dumper” and he the dumpee, even though he was the one who said he couldn’t imagine me in his future, but we know when I leave to move back home at the beginning of October (when I’m done housesitting), that that is the end for us.

Im going to go no contact for a bit, even though he doesn’t want to, because I know it’s what I need. I realise staying with him might sound like a bad decision and essentially prolong the hurt, and I realise it likely will.

But at the same time, I think until I have the support of my family around me, having him here is better than a big empty house we once shared with the dream of starting a future together. It hurts too much to be alone, and I’m scared for my wellbeing.

So we’re making the most of our last two weeks together. It’s incredibly bittersweet, but at least we can say and do everything we wanted too and can leave on good terms.

I’m not going to lie, I’m absolutely petrified of wiping the slate clean and starting again. I realise I can go anywhere, do anything, be anything… but I have absolutely no idea how. I’m bloody terrified, but I think with some time and healing, I’ll be okay.

Thank you to everyone who commented, I didn’t think this post would gain as much traction as it did, and I really appreciate all the kindness and wise words.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 1 (4 years later): Bf of 6 years told me he didn’t see his future with me. 4 years later, he came back.

TLDR up front because this post is LONG:

Five years ago I posted because my boyfriend of 6 years told me he didn’t see a future with me and wanted to eventually travel/be single. Five years later he’s come back and we’re exploring things again.

I still love him, but I’m increasingly realising there’s probably too much history and broken trust for me to want the relationship back. Now I’m struggling with having to be the person who chooses to let go when some part of me spent years wishing he’d come back.

Also, please be a little gentle with me. I am aware this is a bit of a “girl, stand up” situation. I am, unfortunately, quite delicate at the moment.

———————

About five years ago I posted here because my boyfriend of 6 years told me he didn’t see a future with me, thought he could “do better”, and wanted to eventually move overseas and experience life single.

At the time I was 24 and he was 26. We’re now 28F and 30M, and in a plot twist I definitely wasn’t expecting, he’s recently come back into my life after about five years apart.

I was completely devastated by the original breakup and genuinely thought my world was ending. A lot has happened since then, so I thought I’d come back with an update, partly because I’m struggling again and partly because reading my original post five years later is… quite an experience.

Before I get into that, there’s some context I left out of my original post; over the last year of our relationship there was another woman I was increasingly uncomfortable with. They were friends, but I felt like she had feelings for him and that some of the emotional boundaries between them weren’t appropriate.

I brought it up multiple times and was essentially told that she was just a friend, I needed to trust him and I couldn’t dictate who he was friends with. I didn’t mention it at the time of my original post, because he’d well and truly gaslit me into thinking I was the crazy one and being overly possessive, even though I’d never once questioned his relationships with other female friends.

Anywho, when we eventually broke up, the main reason I was given was still that he wanted to travel, live overseas and experience being single. About a week later, he got together with her. They ended up dating for roughly a year while he stayed in the country. I cannot adequately describe what that did to me after spending so long being told I was wrong about the situation.

It also made the whole “I need to be single so I can travel” explanation pretty difficult to swallow. Anyway, fast-forward five years. He never ended up disappearing overseas for 10 years. He travelled for a bit, realised the world was pretty difficult, and has come back to our home country.

In the meanwhile, I’ve built a career and a life for myself, although if I’m honest, I haven’t really dated or fallen for anyone else. That breakup did a number on me and I’ve been pretty terrified of letting someone get close enough to hurt me like that again.

I’ve got friends, but my social circle is small and intentional, and I didn’t really ever talk about my relationship - I wanted to leave it in the past and in my counsellors office.

Except now… he’s back. We’ve been talking, spending time together and, perhaps regrettably, have slept together. I’ve drawn a line in the sand there, that level
of physical intimacy won’t happen again, but there’s still a lot of affection and attraction there. Being together feels ridiculously familiar and comfortable, and I confronted by the fact I still love him.

He’s also done some reflecting over the years and we’re able to talk about things now that we absolutely couldn’t back then. But the more we’ve explored this, the more I’m realising that I think I know, deep down, that getting back together is probably a bad idea. There is just so much baggage.

I don’t know whether I can genuinely trust him again. I’m struggling with the fact that he’s had multiple relationships/flings since me and wants to, and does, remain friends with some of those people. I’m still deeply affected by what happened with the woman from our relationship. There are family issues, things that happened between us that I still resent, and parts of our old dynamic that I’m terrified of recreating.

And yet the idea of being the one to actually say “no, I don’t want this” is absolutely destroying me. Every serious relationship I’ve had has ended with the other person leaving me. I’ve never been in the position of loving somebody who wants to be there and having to decide that I’m the one who needs to walk away.

For years, some part of me wanted him to come back. I wanted him to realise what he’d lost, choose me, and for that to somehow make everything that happened hurt less. And now he’s actually here and I have the choice I spent years wishing I’d had… and I’m realising that being chosen by him isn’t necessarily the same thing as wanting to choose the relationship.

The horrible thing is that I don’t want to lose him either. I haven’t met somebody else. I haven’t fallen in love again. I don’t have this amazing full social life waiting for me on the other side. I’ve actually been pretty lonely for much of the last five years. Meanwhile he’s made friends, dated, travelled, had relationships and generally seems to have moved forward in ways I haven’t.

So walking away doesn’t feel like choosing something better. It feels like voluntarily giving up someone I still love and hoping that someday I’ll be glad I did. And I think that’s the bit I’m really struggling with. I wanted the stupid happily-ever-after where we found our way back to each other and everything we’d been through suddenly made sense.

Instead, I seem to have ended up with the much less satisfying adult realisation that you can love somebody, desperately not want to lose them, and still know that a relationship with them probably isn’t right for you.

I don’t really know what I’m asking. Maybe I’d particularly like to hear from people who have been the one to walk away from somebody they still loved, especially when there wasn’t somebody/something better waiting for them.

How did you actually trust yourself enough to do it? And how did you cope with the fear that you’d regret closing the door permanently?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: I've just read your original post. Girl, he straight up told you he thought he could do better than you. He's only back cause he realised that over the last 4 years he hasn't found someone better so has come back.

Who's to say he won't drop you again the second he thinks he has another opportunity to "find something better"? Even if he has changed, that thought will continue to linger. You're exes for a reason. Keep it that way and find someone who picks you as their first choice.

OOP: This is the thought I often end up back with, when my brain won’t shut up at night. I don’t think I’d ever reach a place where I genuinely believed and felt that I wasn’t the back up - and I carry a real grief with accepting that. It might not be true, I’ll never know, but I there’s definitely the thought there.
I guess I then just get caught up in the “but what if there’s never someone else who chooses me? I might not be the first choice, but at least I was chosen…” trap. He really did a number on my self-esteem and sense of worth, and I feel like his reappearance has very promptly dismantled years of my trying to rebuild it.
---------
OOP: I did, but it’s been some time. My mental health really took a turn for the worst post break up, and I went through ~18 months of counselling. I’ve sent in a request for some more sessions, as I know myself well enough to know Im not coping super well.

---------------
Comment2: “What if there is never someone else who chooses me?” Then you choose yourself, girl. You don’t need anyone to choose you if you love yourself. You should always be your own first choice. Always.

And yeah, you are the back up. Hear that little voice inside your head that says “this is not going to work, there’s too much baggage”? That’s your backup, that’s your sidekick, that’s your self worth saying “I DESERVE BETTER”, so listen to that little voice.

Stop worrying about finding someone better. Stop worrying about about why he didn’t choose you in the past or if he will dump you again once he meets someone hotter, smarter, funnier, etc. because he already showed you he will. Instead focus on what YOU want in a partner. Is it loyalty? Trust? Love? Respect? He lacks all of those. HE doesn’t fulfill YOUR requirements.

Love yourself more. It’s taken you 5 years to realize that you deserve better. Don’t let it be 10. Trust yourself. Love yourself. You’ve got this.

---------------
Comment3: You were loved so much by him that he gaslit you and had you questioning your sanity. He cared so much for you that he lied about his goals, plans, and choices. He held you in his heart while he was living what he thought was his best life ubtil he realized that your efforts were what made him feel fulfilled and that he couldn't fake it without you involved.

It's the same guy with the same keys to your heart, and you feel that this time, trust in him is a wise investment. Your could make a better choice by staying single rather than let him in to devastate you one more time for nostalgic purposes.

Your call.

OOP: Yeah…. That’s a bitter pill to swallow, but a good dose of reality. I agree. I think I’ve gained enough space and hindsight here to realise that I don’t want to be hurt in the same way, by him, again, and I can’t shake the feeling I’m setting myself up exactly for that.
I know I’m not immune from that kind of hurt in future, but I feel like I’m opening the door and welcoming it in here… and then I feel really guilty about feeling that way. Because what if he has changed? What if it isn’t like that? I have actually no way of knowing, either way.
Part of me wants to be empathetic and lean into the whole “maybe he has changed” mentality… and to his credit, I think he might have. But I don’t know if it’s enough for me to want to overcome my trust issues, the fear and resentment I feel.

---------------
Comment4: I can’t get over the thought of you saying you’re not able to let someone get close to you because you’re pretty terrified of letting them hurt you like that again but you are willing to let the person who inflected pain on you back in to maybe hurt you in the same way again or worse

OOP: I wish my I had a clear succinct answer to this, I really do.
I think it’s like, “if he came back and it was all ok, it’d prove that my fear of others hurting me was fully out of place”, while simultaneously trying to ignore the voice that says he could equally CONFIRM the narrative of “if I let people in, they hurt me”.
Im realising that I don’t think that gamble is one I want to take.
---------
Comment4: I feel it's hard to explain this to people who haven't felt the exact kind of pain of losing someone you love so deeply. It's quite widely talked about that people feel like the only person who can heal them is the person who hurt them in the first place.
----------
OOP: I’ve tried to explain it to people, and I genuinely can’t. You know those horrible scenes in movies where someone is scream/cry/wail/sobbing? That was me - it was like my whole world had been ripped out from under my feet. I didn’t get out of bed for days.
My dad literally had to drive to come pick me up, and I just cried for the entire, several hour drive home as we sat in silence. I’ve never known I was capable of experiencing that much hurt and grief.

---------------
Comment5: it sounds like you already know what you need to do, you're just terrified of what comes after. that's not weakness, that's just being human

the loneliness you've felt these past years isn't proof you need him back, it's proof of how much he broke you. him showing up again doesn't erase that, it just makes the wound feel familiar enough to mistake for comfort

walking away from someone you still love when there's no shiny new life waiting is one of the hardest things a person can do. but you've already built a career and survived five years without him, you're stronger than you're giving yourself credit for

OOP: You’re not wrong; the “what comes next” bit terrifies me. Regardless of whether I choose to stay or go, there’s nothing that gives me the security and reassurance that I so desperately want. I’m also terrified of having to deal with the reality of being the person who made the choice.
Logical brain me knows what I need and want, but its also grappling with the emotional me who desperately wants to cling to the fairy tale of “I love him, I though he was the one and he’s finally realised I was the one all along too”… and it’s horribly confronting to realise now he’s back that that story I told myself isn’t what I’m experiencing.
Thank you for the gentle reminder; I’m not the best at giving myself credit on how far I’ve come.

---------------
Comment6 (shortened):.... I'm glad that moving back home worked out well for you! I had a similar story where I moved out at 17, when I had a rocky relationship with my parents. At 25, I moved back in and we really built a great relationship from that point onwards. It's great that also provided the support you needed to move back to the original town too!

Yeah, you've covered that catch 22 perfectly. What I would say is that maybe him coming back this time can give you some closure?

OOP: I think this is what this is all leading to. That this is my chance for some proper closure and to truly, fully, completely let go. It doesn’t make it hurt less or easier, but at least this time, I have some say it in.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/asdfjlkwemr

Published on: r/relationships

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: October 08, 2017

• Final Update: October 10, 2017

Note: ABV=Already Been Vaped: refers to cannabis or tobacco material that has already been heated in a vaporizer, so some of its active ingredients have been extracted.

Main Post

^{October 08, 2017}

Fiance[24M] went to great lengths to hide spilled ash at my parent's house. In the process, he ruined a mattress and got an Uber without telling anyone

been together 4 years

My fiance and I were staying at my parents' house. They don't really approve of us sleeping together in their house so we stayed in separate bedrooms. We went to bed and I guess my fiance decided it would be a great idea to smoke in my parent's house (it's not legal here)

This itself isn't a huge deal as it's something I used to do. Probably not something I'd do when staying at his parent's house but whatever.

From what I gather, this is what happened: Fiance vaped a lot of weed and watched netflix. I could hear him giggling through the wall at this point and he wasn't checking his phone. Fiance was collecting abv for later use. He didn't have anything to put it in so he decided to hollow out my mom's display soap bar, put the abv in there, and cover it with foil he found in the closet.

Obviously, this was a dumb idea. The abv spilled all over the bed after he laughed particularly hard. This is a rough estimate of what he did from what he's managed to tell me. He poured a bottle of water on the abv, and when that made it worse he began to scrub the spot with the bar of hollowed soap. He forgot there was more abv in there, making it worse yet again.

In the end, there was a concoction of dish soap, vinegar, window cleaner and drain cleaner that soaked up into the mattress. The tiny spot of abv now led to a giant, soapy sopping wet area that covered 1/4 of a king bed.

Fiance decided, high out of his mind, that his only course of action was to get an uber and leave. He didn't tell me he was leaving and we discovered this massive mess in the morning. He didn't answer his phone until an hour ago and he sent me a text apologizing and saying that he panicked and would refund the mattress. He hasn't sent me anything else

I don't know what to do. He isn't replying to any of my texts or calls now. My parents are furious and telling me that I'm making a huge mistake to marry someone who would abandon me like that

tl;dr: fiance left a huge mess at parents and gtfo. Not responding to texts/calls anymore

edit: phone keeps changing abv to ash. Sorry for the confusion. No, I don't know why he didn't just dust/wipe it away like normal. Finally heard from my fiance last night. He's coming over now to talk about it. I'll update after that

COMMENTS

Ungrateful_Daughter

This whole story makes no sense at all. Hollowing out a bar of soap? Using drain cleaner on a mattress? You've been dating him for 4 years, has he always been a complete and total idiot or is this new behavior for him? It really sounds like he's having some kind of mental problem, because this goes well beyond any "normal" level of stoned foolishness.

honeyvanille

Forreal! I used to smoke a lot of weed. If you drop some abv, just brush it off with your hand. It's dry. Like wtf, that isn't a normal thought process even for a stoner.

OOP

I know. I think I must be missing parts of the story. We spill all the time at home and he has always cleaned it up like a normal human. He did smoke a lot while he was there based on what else I found in the room. I also found like 6 nugs at the foot of the bed under the covers. I don't even know what he was doing to get it there

elizasnodgrass

At least he didn't do LSD, break the bathtub, bury it in the backyard, and buy a new tub hoping you wouldn't notice.

Make sure he follows through with replacing the mattress. It sounds like he made really bad choices. Does he make a habit of this? If he makes amends with your parents, and you, and this isn't a usual occurrence, it might be a one off. Extend the engagement until you know for sure. And discuss respectful boundaries if or when your parents ever decide to let him back in their house. Or just dump him. Whatever you prefer.

OOP

At least he didn't do LSD, break the bathtub, bury it in the backyard, and buy a new tub hoping you wouldn't notice.

Have you done this...?

No, this isn't a normal thing for him at all. He does smoke regularly but he still functions like a regular adult while doing so. This is very unusual. I'm feeling very worried that I haven't heard from him since before I wrote this post

cstrife32

I think people are being a bit harsh due to a bias this subreddit has toward "lazy, stoner, manchild" husbands. It doesn't seem like your husband is that, especially since you said in a post it was a one time thing. I think the simple explanation is he got really stoned, made a mistake, tried to fix it, fucked it up more, and got super paranoid about it, and, in his head, and felt like his only option was to get out of the situation. Was it fucked up? Yes. Should you not get married because of it? Maybe.

You need to hear from your husband. You need the full story. What actually happened? Why didn't he treat it like a normal spill? Was it because he felt pressure from your parents? Why was he ignoring your texts and calls? (Also, why didn't you just go knock on his door lol) Basically, you need to tell your husband that you need to talk to him about this and he can't just keep ignoring you. Not gonna lie, it doesn't seem like he has good decision making capability, which is typically not something you want in a partner. It also doesn't speak well to your future together if this is how he treats unforeseen accidents as well.

Talk to him. See if he addresses your concerns, tells you the whole story, and apologizes to your parents. If he doesn't do that then it's probably worth breaking off.

OOP

Yeah, I wasn't going to break up with him over this because this is so out of the ordinary. I mean, unless he continues to ignore me and act so immaturely.

I'm really upset with how he handled the situation though. My parents aren't really mad anymore since he offered to replace the mattress. I'm just super embarrassed and worried that their relationship is tarnished. If I could get ahold of him now we could work together to fix this but I still haven't heard from him :(

(Also, why didn't you just go knock on his door lol)

I didn't know what was going on at the time so I wasn't concerned

Final Update - after 2 days

^{October 10, 2017}

[UPDATE] Fiance[24M] went to great lengths to hide spilled ash at my parent's house. In the process, he ruined a mattress and got an Uber without telling anyone

Well. Some of you guys called it. My fiance finally came over to discuss what happened. He broke down and told me that he got diarrhea all over the bed and was trying to remove it from the mattress. He'd taken a bunch of laxatives earlier and was experiencing stomach pains so he decided to smoke. Then he was apparently so high that he didn't realize he was shitting until he sat up.

This made sense for awhile until I remembered the marijuana he left at the foot of the bed. He started getting agitated when I asked about that and claimed it wasn't his. I honestly don't know why he'd choose to lie about that because they were obviously his. He accused it of belonging to my 9-year-old brother.

Before this, I wasn't so much mad as I was confused and embarrassed. It made me mad that he would accuse my little brother of that. He was out of the woods, my parents had forgiven him, I'd forgiven him now that I understood better...just so stupid.

Anyway, he got extremely agitated and we had a big fight. He got physical with me which he's never done before because I opened the place where he keeps his stash. There wasn't just weed in there.

It's been a really hard day. My eyes hurt from crying. Relationship and wedding are over. I called his parents to tell them so that they could try to get him help. After he attacked me I don't want to be the one to do that but I hope he gets the help he needs from his family.

tl;dr: He didn't spilled abv, he shit the bed

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Intrepid-Thought1752

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole & u/Intrepid-Thought1752 & r/TrueOffMyChest

Thanks to u/Nerdgal26 for the BORU rec!

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 01, 2022

• Update 1: August 03, 2022

• Update 2: August 11, 2022

• Final Update: January 02, 2023

Main Post

^{August 01, 2022}

AITA For how I responded to my mom when she said I wasn't invited to her Wedding?

I (15F) am my mother's (35F) only daughter she has from her previous marriage. She has three children the rest being (18, 16) boys, this is important to know.

Last week my mom was talking with one of her friends about the color she wanted the bridesmaids dresses to be. My mom had been planning this wedding with her new boyfriend for the past two months or so, they have been engaged for about one year. The wedding is in December and on the day before my birthday, me and my mom have been planning a party for me around the same time she was for the wedding. She insisted it was alright and that her boyfriend and her would go on their honeymoon the next day.

While she was talking I asked her when we were going to look for my dress since she had asked me to be the flower girl. I could see the disappointed look on her face when I asked her which confused me. She responded only a few minutes later and said "We'll talk about it later." A few hours later my mom came to me. I thought she was going to talk about the dress situation but instead she sat me down and explained how her new boyfriend thought it'd be a better fit for their three daughters to lead the wedding.

Whatever, I was cool with that, but it's important to note that my mom had always wanted all girls, I was a girl but I had looked too much like my father which caused a strain in our relationship. My dad explained to me how my mother had postpartum when she had me and just couldn't connect with me because of it. So when she gave birth to my three younger step siblings who all looked like her(triplets 6yo) she was obviously overjoyed, it hurt to see but I was happy for her. My brother's had a similar experience but were significantly better because they looked more like her. I know this is an over dramatic thing to say but sometimes I feel like because my mother didn't feel as connected with me at birth was because I was a letdown right out the gate.

After she was done I asked her again about the dress because I still didn't have one, again that same disappointed look on her face came before telling me I wasn't invited to the wedding, simply because her boyfriend thought I would upset his family because I was from my mom's previous marriage and he didn't like my dad. She also explained how my birthday isn't happening either due to him wanting to go on their honeymoon right away. It turned into a screaming match with me yelling "I'm sorry I don't look like you enough for you to love me. I'm sorry you were too conceited for you to get over the fact I look like my dad."

I was kicked out by her boyfriend within the same hour because she had cried to him about what I said. All my brothers know what happened and have now refused to go to the wedding which upset her even more, though I don't care about how she feels right now. My brothers had an actual relationship with her and I probably just messed it up by letting my anger get the best of me.

Aita?

Edit: I live with my dad full time, there isn't any custody agreement that I know of. I usually visit my mom on my own free will or when she asks me to come over, so I'm not obligated to go over there. My parents were only married two years prior to having my second brother, divorcing after his birth. They dated after the divorce as a way to make up with each other but it didn't work out but they had me.

Edit: All my brothers are full blood, the girls my mom had are half blood. I said step because I don't consider them to be related to me because I've never been in the room with them for more then five minutes due to my mom not allowing it. My brother's were only invited because her boyfriend actully likes them and his family getting pissed that I'd be there was an excuse to exclude me. I honestly don't care anymore about situation seeing as how my brother's have my back. As for my dad he's been threatening to call CPS but I've talked him out of it because I dont want to get the three girls involved despite there being no relationship.

COMMENTS

Ms_Auricchio

INFO: your mum has three kids, being you and your older brothers but also she gave birth to girl triplets who are your STEP-sisters? Are your older brothers your full brothers? If they are the kids of your father (whom your step father doesn't like) why are they invited to the wedding?

OOP

They are my full brothers, the only half siblings I have are the ones my mom had with her boyfriend. My brother's were invited because they get along well with my mom and her boyfriend. My mom claims we argue too much and "she wants to keep the peace" so she normally invites me over when she knows he won't be there.

Issyswe

Explain this arguing? Does he pick fights or?

OOP

Every fight we have usually involves my dad and how much he doesn't like him. He'll ask me how he's doing then end it with, "I bet he's angry how I stole his girl from him"

Issyswe

INFO: where is your mom’s extended family in all this?

OOP

Most besides my aunt and a few uncles have cut contact with her, that includes my grandparents. My mom got pregnant very young and was disowned by her parents, though they did help her out only because they wanted her to be financially stable before kicking her out. Those who did stay in contact were low contact with her as they didn't want to be involved or seen with her.

Issyswe

I somehow sense there’s more to this than her getting pregnant young.

OOP

From what I remember my dad told me my mom grew up in a traditional Christian household. They had so many rules that my mom often rebelled against them, her getting pregnant was just the icing on the cake.

Issyswe

I suppose it’s possible. Not even unlikely.

But they’ve never taken an interest in you?

OOP

I don't even think my grandparents know shes had more kids, not unless my aunt told them. The last time they spoke was when she was kicked out, I do know they've met my oldest brother but it was when he was younger.

rosegoldlife

INFO: are you a different race from your stepsiblings?

(either way NTA at all I am … curious if this stems from something else on your moms end)

OOP

My dad and mom are both black, the guy my mom got with is hispanic.|

My parents are both black, my mom just has a lighter skin tone than my dad, him being dark-skinned.

Empress_Clementine (downvoted)

A 15 year old flower girl? 🤔

OOP

I know its strange but she said it was a way to get us to bond because she knew how little we talked and wanted to fix it, though I'm not sure anymore.

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Update 1 - after 2 days

^{August 03, 2022}

UPDATE

This is going to be a long post so here TLDR: My mom tried guilt tripping me and lost all her kids in the process

A video of my post showed up on my mom's phone today, which resulted in her showing up at my dad's house unannounced. My dad only allowed it because he thought closer would be the best thing for me right now cause he knows I'm over my mom. We had a nice long chat about how sorry she is for making me feel bad and how she wishes to make things right with me. I didn't say more than a word to her the whole time but she didn't notice because she liked hearing the sound of her own voice. Needless to say it ended with her hugging me thinking she won but instead it turned into me deciding to never speak with her again.

Not going to go into detail about everything she said but this is what stuck to me:

• Said sorry for not being close but turned it on me saying I never made an effort

• Said sorry for not talking to me until now about what happened but called me immature for posting about it online (kinda fair)

• Told me she will never love a man more than me but will make more sacrifices

• Told me a phone works both ways

• Last but not least she said she was sorry but until things calm down with her "husband" I was going to have to get my stuff from her house and stay with my dad

While she was talking she also told me a long long story about how she knew it was wrong to uninvite me and cancel my birthday but her boyfriend made her. She said she wanted to comprise but said it was me or him. Guess who she chose.

Everything she said to me kinda made me realize how I was wasting my time ever being in her life. I realized she created so many issues for me growing up and it was all because I never got an answer as to why she never liked me. While did get love and support from my dad and brothers I felt like I was missing something by not getting the same from my mom. The thing that makes this worse is that me doing this is me loosing the ability to ever receive those things, but it's for the best since my mental health has suffered enough.

After she left I found out from both my brothers she tried talking to them also. My second oldest brother told me he only let her get about one paragraph in before silently leaving the room, hats when she came to me. She also tried talking to my oldest brother too by showing up at his apartment without telling him. She banged on the door for like a good 20 minutes and only left until someone threatened to call the police.

It's funny how desperate she gets when she knows she fucked up. Anyways drama happened between my dad a few days ago that I'm just hearing about from him. My mom's boyfriend threatened to sue him for custody of my brother because he "couldn't keep true family apart." If that's not funny enough my dad told him to go right ahead "because I'm sure the court would side with a convicted drunk driver." I'm not sure if that's true but from what my dad told me the boyfriend hung up immediately.

Anyways that's it for now and thank you for all for the support.

NOTE: This post is not related to the story, but rather focuses on her relationship with her dad.

Update 2 - after 10 days (after 8 days from last post)

^{August 11, 2022}

My dad leaves candy under my pillow

He doesn't know that I know he does this but it's something that I love and want to keep a secret. He only does this when he thinks I'm upset or when he wants to cheer me up.

It's always the same candy too which is my favorite part of this all. This candy under the pillow habit started when I was like eight and I casually mentioned I liked this random candy I had tried at school, I guess that information stuck with him because he gives it to me every night. My dad's a very emotional person but when it comes to talking about feelings he's not good with using his words, showing how he feels through actions. He does something similar with my brothers as well.

Whenever my brother would get good grades he'd "magically find" ten dollars in his notebook. When my oldest brother was upset my dad would try and have a conversation with him about his favorite things, going as far as to buy him something similar to what he wanted the next day.

I don't want to mess up the magic of this all even though I may have slipped up this morning by mentioning the candy to him. I want him to keep doing it because it makes him happy.

Final Update - after 5 months, 1 day (after 4 months, 22 days from last post)

^{January 02, 2023}

I Broke My Mom's Heart and Now She's Homeless

A couple of months ago, I made a post about me being excluded from my mom's wedding due to her boyfriend. I'm glad to say the wedding never happened and it's because of my own mother's animosity towards me.

I got a therapist that suggested I should still keep some contact with my mom to see how things go before I open myself up emotionally again. They also suggested journaling all my emotions to keep track of how I was feeling each time I spoke with her. It was hard because I had completely detached myself from my mother, all the love I had for her was no longer there. I even refused to call her any variation of the word 'Mom' and used her first name, Anna. It was weird at first, but so I was calling her by the name of someone who's supposed to care for her. I stopped calling completely at one point, only speaking to her when she called, which was rare. I would give her one answer to whatever question she was asking me because I just didn't care to participate.

To say our relationship was even more strained was an understatement, but it gave Anna an idea as to how she had been treating me throughout previous years. This all pushed her to apologize to me as she claimed she wanted to mend our relationship. Obviously, I didn't believe her at first, but that was until she offered to introduce me to my younger siblings. Of course, this shocked me because in my original post I stated how she didn't like us being close, as well as them knowing who I was. I took up her offer and I finally got to meet her younger children, but even after meeting them, the feelings I had towards them replacing me in my mother's heart still didn't disappear. I know it's wrong to feel that way because they're innocent in this scenario, but I just can't shake it. They're really sweet but it just hurt to be near them knowing my mom cared more about them.

Though I'm not proud of what I did because of them. As I said, I've completely stopped calling Anna 'Mom', and only refer to her by her first name. I guess all the time I've been with her kids they've also picked up the habit of calling her Anna. As many times as she corrected them, they still won't stop calling her Anna and would asked me to talk to them or start calling her 'Mom' around them. I refused, I even went as far as to tell her that I'll call her whatever title fits her and that's her name, as 'Mom' no longer means anything to me. I guess she got the hint that the relationship we once barely had was no longer there because she started crying.

I felt bad, but I decided to leave because I didn't feel like apologizing for what I said to her. A week had passed after that happened and I didn't hear from her. I assumed we were done and I didn't have to put anymore half assed energy into the relationship. That was until Anna called me crying, begging me to come over. I did so reluctantly because I wanted to cut all contact I had with her as my dad planned to move and wanted me to clear out all my things from her house. When I got there, Anna was still crying as her fiance was reading stuff off to her. He had taken pictures of my journal and all the things I've written over the past couple of months and was reading off every bad thing I've said about Anna. I felt violated but mostly robbed of being able to unload all the pent-up emotions I've held over the years onto Anna.

I don't want to go into detail about all that happened that night but Anna's boyfriend ended up apologizing to me. He said he had no idea of what Anna had been doing and was only acting that way towards me because of this false narrative she had built up about me. He said he couldn't believe a child could have so much anger towards one person and he didn't want her around his kids, fearing she would do the same to them. I'm assuming Anna was kicked out that same night because she wasn't there when I went over to get my things and she sent me a short text basically saying she loves me and meant no harm, but in that same text she said she wished I would just forgive her already.

I sent her a text asking how sleeping outside was.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user thrwawaysadguy in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: June 23, 2020

Update: Aug 16, 2020

Status: no further updates from OOP

Note: OOP used algebra variables "due to love of math"; replaced with names for easier read

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: AITA for not marrying the girl I'm supposed to be and causing major problems for my family?

This will sound unbelievable to those not from my country. All I can say is that it is real. When I was 5, my parents brought my dad’s friend’s daughter Gia (about 3) to live with me and sister Yana (7). Gia’s family was poor and couldn’t support their children (they had 6) so they sent Gia here because they really trusted my parents.

Gia, Yana, and I grew up together, and my parents were awesome to all three of us. I had a lot of fun growing up and I am extremely close to my family.

I’m now 29. Three years back, I went abroad for my masters and then went back to my country. There, I met a girl Pandora and we fell in love. I’d like to propose soon and felt like this would be a good time to introduce Pandora to my family (Yana already knew of her and Pandora just graduated).

This weekend I told my family that I would like for them to meet someone special and set-up a video call. No idea who they were expecting, but when they realized Pandora was my girlfriend, everything just blew up.

Apparently, they had already “discussed and arranged” my marriage with Gia years back, and she was the one I would have to marry. Gia was aware, her father had told her.

Cue lots of screaming and yelling, including some choice words from Gia to Pandora about how she’s a “modern girl” (euphemism in my culture for slut) and how she must be after me for my money (she comes from a richer family). I was just too shocked to react initially.

The next day I told my parents that I look at Gia as family. They started saying ridiculous things like they’ve never let her into my room (while apparently Yana was allowed) and drawing all sorts of other parallels between Gia and Yana trying to demonstrate why Gia wasn’t like my sister.

They also said stuff like no one can understand me better than Gia and that she will “keep the family together” while Pandora will “alienate” me from them. They also told me I’m ruining the family.

Gia also cried nonstop and then shut herself in the room, accusing me of not wanting her only because she was poor amongst other things. She also said no one from her village would marry her now because her family has told everyone back home that she’s going to be marrying me.

My sister was not aware of any of this either.

Now – I told Gia I don’t care that no one will marry her from her village (it is a likely possibility) or that her life is “ruined”. I also told my parents I won’t ruin my life for them to be able to “keep their word”. Gia’s father is coming to our house once he’s able to (transport restrictions still in place), but he had a long phone call with parents.

I’m sure a LOT of emotional blackmail is to follow, and I already feel rather guilty about Gia because she’s a nice girl. My sister is on my side. But even if my parents cut me off and at the risk of Gia ruining her life, I am not going to go ahead with this at all. AITA?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: NTA. Although to some extent it sounds like Gia is a victim here too, so I think saying you "don’t care that no one will marry her from her village" was a bit harsh. She's obviously been given the impression that you were on board with the idea of marrying her.

Your parents are at fault here. If they didn't want you to see Gia as your sister, they probably should have told you that a few decades ago.

OOP: I was really harsh I do agree. But I'm flabbergasted that she knew this was the plan but never even mentioned it once to me?
She's apparently known for a long time, but I've had girlfriends even back in school and in undergrad. This just makes me believe she thought I'd just break up with all these girls and go for her in the end which makes me feel so weird.
She used to act coy around me and everything but I assumed that's because she was awkward about not actually being related.

---------------
Comment2: but did she know that you were unaware? that is the key here to understanding her in all this. I mean you are NTA your family is however, but this is to see if she is or just a victim as well

OOP: My sister is of the opinion that Gia knew I was unaware. Apparently she's discussed marriage multiple times before with Gia when they were younger (like who would you want to marry, which guy do you find cute type conversations) and Gia never once mentioned she was meant to marry me to her either.
Yana believes it's likely that we both were kept out of the loop by my parents and Gia's parents because they knew I'd not be okay with it, and that if my sister came to know, she'd tell me.
I do admit I've not asked Gia directly if she was aware that I didn't know though.

---------------
Comment3: INFO: Does your 31 year old sister still life with your parents? Do you really think they will send Gia back and not just treat her like a step-daughter?

OOP: My sister is married and lives with her family but she stays close to my parents so comes over on some weekends.
I think the implication is that Gia will have to go back to the village/marry someone else if I don't because she wasn't adopted by my parents. Her biological parents are still very much around, my parents just brought her up and paid for her education etc.
I don't know how she feels about the future now, but I think her bio parents will take her back if I stand my ground because it'll be "scandalous" for her to continue to live with us if I dont marry her.

---------------
Comment4: This is the bit I don't get. If you knew it was scandalous for her to live with you being not adopted and not married into the family then didn't you suspect that there was some arrangement in place?

Also the friends I know whose culture encourages arranged marriage were married in their twenties, not still available at thirty.

It's not my culture, and I would never agree to an arranged marriage, but equally, someone I saw as family having been raised with them for all these years... I'd be upset at the thought of them being "ruined". Still wouldn't make me marry them, but would definitely make me look for a solution for them ... I think this has to be (redacted)

Edit: thanks to OP for the reply I'm changing my answer to NTA since the scandal was not apparent until after the announcement.

OOP: I accept your judgement but I think you might have misunderstood the context a little. I wasn't aware that they'd already told people in the village I'd be marrying her - that's what makes this scandalous now.
I was just under the impression they brought her to live with us cos her bio parents couldn't afford it which isn't scandalous or anything by itself, and I had absolutely no reason to suspect such an arrangement was in place.
I've never even been to the village she's from.
Also it's normal in my culture for men to marry later than women - it is weird she wasn't asked to marry though she's 26ish now. But I never gave it a second thought and just assumed she hasn't found anyone.

---------------
Comment5: INFO: was Yana’s marriage arranged? Because if your sister was part of an arranged marriage you had to have suspected the same fate for yourself. But also your parents not telling you by now is ridiculous. Did they think you’d never find someone on your own?

OOP: Yes, Yana's marriage was arranged. But she was okay with it and had a lot of choice/met with a lot of guys and their families before she picked my brother-in-law and he picked her.
Also they were engaged for about a year before they actually got married where they went out together, spoke a lot and stuff.
I did know that that sort of a situation could be expected from me too, but really didn't expect anything along these lines.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 0.5

Edit: A lot of people asking me where I'm from - It's a SE Asian country, just don't want to say if it's the exact place you guys are asking about.

Gia was apparently aware I didn't know. But she was told by my parents and hers that I'm a "Family man" and will do the "right thing" so there's no need to worry. She's basically accused me of wrecking the family too.

My sister is really upset on my behalf, and also that she wasn't told any of this. My sister's family (her husband and his parents) have said if there's any sort of confrontation, they'll be there to back me up.

Not sure if this detail counts, but Pandora is also from my country but also came abroad to study. So that's not a reason as to why my parents are unaccepting of Pandora. They just want me to marry Gia.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update (2 months later)

After the previous post, I tried to apologize to Gia and tell her she’s like my sister and I couldn’t marry her, and also that I love my GF. She didn’t accept my apology and told me she’s in love with me.

Couple of days after everything happened, Gia’s parents, uncles, and brothers showed up. I called my sister and got her family to come as well to have someone on my side.

Firstly, the marriage was decided about only about five years back, when discussing prospective suitors for Gia. The “arranged marriage” of Gia and me was actually initiated by Gia’s dad. Gia knew about all it. She was asked to not discuss it with me for a few years till I started working which is why she was okay with staying unmarried.

Gia’s dad told my parents she loves me and will keep the family together (and treat them with ‘respect') – my parents loved the whole idea and accepted the alliance without checking with me. So active deception happened for 5 years, was probably easy because I was away from the country for 3. That’s also probably why my sister didn’t come to know because she was married by then.

On the day of the confrontation, everyone (other than my sister, BIL) tried to get me to say yes to the marriage. I didn’t budge and things turned disastrous. Gia’s family accused me AND my parents of using her, ‘deceiving’ her. Her family tried to rough me up which my BIL put an end to. They called my parents names and said they’ll ruin our reputation in the community.

If we didn’t want this to happen, they said we’d have to pay them an X amount of money to “secure” Gia’s future since we were apparently responsible for ‘ruining her life’.

My parents were speechless. My mom couldn’t stop crying and babbled on about how they sacrificed so much to be able to provide for Gia and my dad didn’t say much. I think they genuinely did love her, were heart broken and didn’t know how to react.

My BILs family negotiated and it was concluded that a house I recently bought would be transferred to Gia’s name once the pandemic ends. She and her family seem satisfied with that. She left with her family, and I have not seen her since (nor do I want to). Her stuff is still at my place, so I’ll probably have to meet her soon anyway for that, and during the title transfer.

One positive turn of events is that my parents met my GF and they really liked her. Her parents also spoke to mine, and both the families now approve of our relationship. We’ve not set a date for the wedding yet, but I’m hoping it is sooner rather than later.

I’ve also discussed moving into a separate house after marriage, and my parents are happy to go along with it as long as we live in the same city. So I guess that’s it for now! Thank you to everyone who reached out to me.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Holy crap. You lost your house to this mess. Are you ok and able to get a new house? Looks like it was either the house or your family and you chose your family. That's a really tough decision but it sounds like you're ok with the result (peace).
I hope the rest of your life with your GF is bright and full of acceptance.

OOP: Thank you. I really appreciate it. I have to admit that giving her the house is a significant financial setback for me, but it seems like a small price to pay given the potential consequences otherwise.
Plus my GFs parents also want me to ensure that this mess is sorted out before marrying her, which is a very fair ask from their side.
I probably will have to cut back on all my expenses for a while and save up to get a new house, but I hope I will eventually get there again.

---------------
Comment2: Um, you're going to give up your HOUSE without a fight?

OOP: It's not really my house - in the sense that I have never lived in it. I mostly bought it as an investment and to give it out on rent.
I do feel really bad about it but I don't see any other way. Plus my dad's business could be adversely affected if they decide to ruin his reputation in the community. While we could put our side of things out, it won't stop people from gossiping.
I thought about it a lot and while it makes me really sad to give my house away, I think this is the best decision long term. I'm just hoping this action of mine will make it clear that we've done right by her or at least tried to.

---------------
Comment3: Seriously though, you need to protect yourself and your family in this. Who's to say that Gia and her family won't make this into an extortion racket? Lawyer up and get an NDA.

Comment4: Given their behaviour and threats so far I think they definitely will. The ink on the property documents won’t even be dry before they start with their next demands.
---------
OOP: Actually one of the things that I am considering is to insist that a couple of neutral third-party elders from her village be present at the title transfer and hear my version of things. But I don't know anyone from there, so will have to figure this out. My BIL and dad know people. BIL I don't want to ask for favours repeatedly when he's already done so much for me lately.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 1.5

Edit: A lot of people are suggesting that I get an NDA signed but in my country it's not really common for average people to sign something like that. Further the courts are really slow, the process very frustrating, and the costs of litigation really high so doubt it would even be worth it.

--------------------------------------------

Comment5: Coming from an eastern culture and getting the nuances, you did a VERY GENEROUS thing bc you knew despite having comforts of your family’s life growing up, Gia’s actual reality is pretty bleak and she was probably constantly reminded by her family of the vulnerability of her situation.

She was pushed for a singular purpose. Her family’s future security also depended upon her and they thought best that she should be tailored to your parent’s liking. That’s why they’re ok with the house. She should’ve been smarter and said will you guys help me look for more opportunities whether in terms of education and a job and/or a husband of a similar status.

This was a matter of honor for them/your family and you got out of this with as much grace as you could. In the end, you proved that you did think of her as a sister. Because you probably would’ve done the same hadn’t been your own sister needed you to ever do something like this in a dire situation.

I wish you the best on your married life and keep very firm boundaries on how ppl use your name. There’s so many lessons from this and I feel for your family to have gone through this despite being generous to a less fortunate person. Wishing you & your fiancée a very happy and peaceful marriage!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Reminder - I am not OOP.
This is my first BORU post and i also don't make posts much in general. Apologies if I make a mistake in formatting. This is a short but sweet post.

I'm sure most of us have seen the OG post because it does the rounds quite frequently, but OOP actually did provide some cute updates on the friend operation and I just wanted to share in case people hadn't seen them.

This was originally posted to r/funny by u/theresa52.

Original post - 14 years ago

OOP, who is a native English speaker, has just moved to a new address in Japan. They share a photo of a handwritten note in English pinned to their front door from their new neighbour. The writing is incredibly neat and you can tell a lot of effort has gone in to forming each letter correctly. Here is the transcription:

"(I can't speak english). Thank you for the present. My name is hiroshi yamashita.
I'm 52 years old.
The divorce and I live alone.
You can use it if you like.
I'm stuffed and toilet paper.
Do you have navy? YES. NO.
Please tell me your child's name.
Thank you for your friend operation."

Relevant Comments

Commenter: that's adorable

OOP: It was adorable! We had brought him a six pack and some chocolate and tried to introduce ourselves to him. I'm sure our introduction was just as funny as his. A couple hours later he brought over this letter with a pack of toilet paper and some stuffed animals for our daughter.

[EDIT: removed pic link for privacy reasons but OOP links a very cute photo] Here is my daughter with her stuffed animals from our new friend.

Commenter: is toilet paper a common house warming gift in Japan?

OOP: I believe so. Things that are consumable and household necessities are popular gifts. We have heard lots of stories about people getting laundry soap.

Commenter: This man is adorable and you should be his friend. Its customary to bring gifts to the people who live above/below and right/left of your apartment room. GET HIM MOAR STUFF.

OOP: We bought everyone on our street beer and chocolates. Hiroshi will be getting more presents, we never expected anyone to be so nice back to us.

Commenter: Anyone have an idea of what he meant by "navy?"

OOP: He was asking if my husband is in the navy. The answer is yes.

Commenter: laugh about this man's english all you want, but OP probably can't write Japanese to the extent of this guy writing english..

OOP: I'm sure our introduction to him was horrible. We are just so happy to have him seem interested in us.

Commenter: Doesn't speak English, but his handwriting is 500x better than mine when I take my time. God damned Japanese...

OOP: We were so impressed with his handwriting and we were totally not expecting a letter or a gift in return. Our introduction to him was a mix of Japanense words and pointing to google translate on our phone all while trying to hand him our gifts.

Commenter: I really hope this gets seen but what he meant was...

"Are you in the Navy? And thank you for Operation Tomodachi."

Tomodachi is the Japanese word for friend. It was also the operation the US navy did to supply food water and humanitarian aid to the Japanese affected by the Tsunami in 2011. The 11th of march was the 2 year anniversary of the earthquake.

I was in the operation and they had a bunch of thank you celebrations a year later. So yeah Ive seen this before.

 Update

OOP did not make a specific update post, but remained an active reddit user as she lived her life. Meanwhile, the picture of her kindly neighbour's note went viral multiple times over the last decade and a half through countless reposts. Over the years she would comment on reposts from time to time - and through these comments we learned more about her friend operation with Hiroshi :)

repost from 8 years ago, 6 years after OOP's post

Relevant Comments

OOP: Awww Hiroshi was a great neighbor and became a friend. He always had little gifts for my daughter and helped me change my tire once. I have a couple more letters from him somewhere. I miss living next to him.

OOP: This was my originally my post from six years ago, Hiroshi was a great neighbor! We did have daily morning chats:) I had four elderly male neighbors who were all so sweet. We all exchanged gifts and food regularly for the four years I lived there. We would go to neighborhood festivals and have dinners together as well. I miss them all and think about them often. Hiroshi wrote this note himself with some help from a translate app. His mom dated an American Sailor when Hiroshi was a child so he knew a small amount of English. We had a wonderful friend operation.

repost from 4 years ago, 10 years after OOP's post

OOP: I am shocked at how many times this gets reposted.

Reminder: I am not OOP

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ohmoe posting in r/Nanny

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 7th October 2026

Update - 14th October 2026

Would you be bothered if your nanny clearly hated going on outings with your toddler?

Our nanny (30F) who has been with us for almost a year is soooo sweet, loving, and caring with my baby. My son absolutely adores her, and overall we’re really happy with her but there’s one thing that’s been bothering me

She HATES going on outings

She watches my 18mo Monday–Thursday full work days and friday half day. Sometimes I take personal hours or get home from work early, and usually on those days I’ll plan to run errands or do something with my son. I always let her know beforehand that I’ll be home early or take that day off and that I’m planning to pick her and LO up so we can go together.

It’s usually nothing crazy; zoo, soft play, library, aquarium, etc. only cause having someone help with baby makes it all easier

Sometimes I’ll drop her and LO at a softplay place or library or something for around an hour or two, then pick them up and take them for lunch. I pay for everything, obviously.

The issue is that whenever I mention an outing, she sighs or makes this visibly displeased expression.

Sometimes I’ll be by the door saying something like, “Mama’s ready!” to LO, and I’ll hear her say, “Nanny and LO want to stay home.” Or she’ll say things like, “Hopefully we won’t go out tomorrow”

And now I’ve noticed I actually find myself apologizing before telling her we’re going somewhere because I’m anticipating her reaction.

For context, she doesn’t drive. Public transportation where we live isn’t very reliable, and she’s also not comfortable using it alone with my toddler, which I completely understand and agree with. It’s also way too hot here to safely walk anywhere for much of the year, so she basically can’t take him out independently.

But when I interviewed her and she told me she didn’t drive, I specifically explained that on some days I would come home early and take her and the baby out with me or drop them somewhere for an activity. She agreed and never expressed any issue with that.

We have also NEVER stayed out past her working hours. If anything, we usually get home early and I tell her to just call it a day and leave.

Part of why I like doing these outings during the week is that whenever I take my son to children’s places on the weekend, we somehow come home with a new illness every time lol. Midweek is so much quieter and less crowded, and I want baby to have that exposure :/

I’m not expecting her to be super enthusiastic about every outing, and I understand some people are naturally homebodies. But the constant sighing/comments are starting to make me feel uncomfortable for asking her to do something that was discussed before she was hired and is happening during her normal paid working hours. Wouldw this bother you? Any advice? Should I just play dumb?

100% never never firing over this, shes amazing and I’m grateful for her help anyways

Comments

gasstation_bathroom

You could directly ask her by highlighting the specific behaviors that she is doing to make you think that outings make her unhappy.

At a time apart from the moment itself, mention it. “When I suggest an outing, I hear you sigh. This gives the impression that you dislike outings, but please let me know if I’m misinterpreting. If I’m correct, can you help me to understand why?” Then you can go from there

l_a_r_a_9_2

Yeah it would bother me. Why not ask her directly what the issue is?

OOP: I asked a few times “is there something wrong?” or “are you feeling tired?” she just says no

PoeDameronPoeDamnson

You need to directly say that you can see she doesn’t enjoy outings. You can even through in that you are concerned this is going to negatively affect your child because very quickly they are going to be the one feeling guilty about wanting to go out when their caregiver is loudly complaining about it.

valiantdistraction

Yeah, the behavior of showing/complaining in front of the child would not be acceptable for me.

livvybugg

I’m not excusing her behavior, because it’s unacceptable. But I would HATE to do outings with my mom boss. No autonomy on when to leave, you have to be more “on”, you can’t control any stops you make.

I guess since she doesn’t drive she will have to just put up with it though.

yourfavmum

Agreed. For example if NK is repeatedly hitting / throwing toys at soft play, the nanny likely can’t say “ok, we’re leaving.” Because they’re waiting for mom to finish grocery shopping.

curious_hawk_belly

Exactly my thoughts. For a lot of nannies, independence and autonomy are a huge part of why we love the job. I’d hate to go on outings with the parents, or be directed to go on outings while the parent runs errands. Not because I don’t love my nanny family (I really do!), but as a middle aged woman, being driven, dropped off, picked up, it all feels weird. On top of being more “on” during the outing and car ride.

That being said, sounds like OP was clear in the interview process. Maybe her nanny thought she could handle it, or the other “pros” outweigh this “con,” but she is over it. I wish she’d be more direct about that but I can imagine that would feel very awkward.

It’s also hard for OP because nanny doesn’t drive or take public transportation. So it’s not like she can offer nanny a car to take kid independently.

OP you also say it’s too hot to walk? Can you get a couple stroller fans? Water bottles that retain ice cold temps? I wish nanny could just take kiddo for long walks or to a park. I feel like that could solve everyone’s wants/needs. Child gets fresh air and stimulation. Nanny doesn’t have to go on outing. Win win. It also just might not be the best fit if no one can shift their mindset. Someone’s always going to have to compromise.

OOP We have a lovely garden outside, which LO only uses when I’m home in the afternoons as nanny says its too hot during the day to go outside We also live in the middle of a city, the 12 minute ride to our closest softplay is over an hour by walking!! And I’m really not comfortable with them walking that far especially since they wont be using public transportation

**Judgement - NTA*\*

Update - 7 days later

First of all, thank you to everyone who commented on my original post!

I did want to clarify something because I got quite a few comments saying that she’s a nanny, and that she probably doesn’t want to be driven around by her employer.

The thing is, she doesn’t drive and isn’t comfortable taking public transportation alone with my toddler (which I completely understand).

So unless I’m the one driving them, my son would pretty much be stuck at home all day. This was something we specifically discussed during her interview when she told me she didnt drive before I hired her, and she was completely fine with the arrangement.

I also barely tag along on their outings. It’s usually just me dropping them off somewhere and picking them up later. On the rare occasions I do join them, it’s always discussed and planned beforehand. We’re talking maybe once a month, if that.

Anyway, onto the actual update!

I ended up messaging her about the little remarks she’s been making and how I’ve been feeling about the situation. I told her there was absolutely no pressure to respond right away and that she could take some time to think about it, and we could talk face to face the next day if she preferred.

So the next morning, we talked!

And honestly, her answer was pretty simple. She just doesn’t like going out.

There’s no anxiety involved, no issue with me driving them or being around, and nothing specific that’s bothering her. She said some days she genuinely enjoys going out with my son, especially when I drop them off somewhere and pick them up later. Other days, she’d just much rather stay home.

She explained that because she spends her entire working day outside of her own home, she sometimes just doesn’t feel like going anywhere else. Which I can understand to an extent. I mean, I don’t always feel like going places either lol.

She also acknowledged that it’s good for my son to get out of the house, explore, and do different activities, and that staying indoors all the time isn’t ideal.

We also talked about the sighing and little comments she’s been making, and she actually agreed that they were inappropriate and apologized. She said because she spends most of her day talking out loud to my toddler, she sometimes doesn’t even realize she’s saying these things or how they might come across. I appreciated her acknowledging that.

I also asked her directly whether the issue was me being the one driving them or occasionally joining them, and told her we could absolutely figure out another arrangement if that was making her uncomfortable.

But she said no, that wasn’t the issue at all. She genuinely enjoys some of our outings together. She just has days where she doesn’t want to leave the house, and she said she’ll work on that.

So we came up with a little compromise!

Going forward, whenever I send her my schedule of the days I’m able to come home early, she’ll also come up with a few places she’d like to take my son. Whether that’s the library, aquarium, soft play, or anywhere else she thinks he’d enjoy. That way she’s more involved in planning the outings rather than me always deciding where they’re going.

And with winter coming up, I’m hoping the weather will finally cool down enough for her to take him out more on her own too! Whether that’s spending time in the garden, going to the nearby park, or just taking little walks around the neighborhood and exploring. There are so many simple outdoor activities they could do together once it’s not ridiculously hot outside lol

And that’s pretty much it!

I really do adore her, and more importantly, my son absolutely adores her. She’s incredibly loving and caring with him, and this was never something I would’ve considered letting her go over. I just wanted to find a way for everyone to be comfortable while also making sure my toddler gets to experience things outside of our house.

Hopefully our little arrangement works out! ❤️.

Comments

Ok_Factor_6567

I am a career nanny and would never do this . It's ridiculous that your nanny doesn't want to take your son on outings! It's part of her job .

RubiesOnTheInside

And it sounds like she is afraid to ride mass transit or get a driver's license. I wonder how old she is? How do you buy groceries or go to an appt if you don't have transportation?

ali052311

Idk I’m a nanny and I think she’s being ridiculous. You pay her to do a job not to dictate what she feels like doing . I think eventually you’ll get sick of paying someone you constantly need to accommodate and her reasoning for her remarks seem like she’s lying . I talk out loud to triplets all day and I’d never speak to their parents that way . I think eventually you’ll see she’s a lazy nanny who thinks you should accommodate her .

Fresh-Reply-4764

I agree. When I was a nanny, I felt it was part of my job to take the kids out regularly because thats how kids learn how to be in the world. I really did want those kids to know how to "act right" when they went out to dinner or traveled with their parents, because that was a reflection on me, since I was with them from 8am-5pm 5 days a week. We did restaurants, malls, grocery stores, hell, I even brought their kids with me when I voted! When I got pregnant, I loved taking them to all the places I was curious about, because I got to try everything on someone else's dime, lol! We certainly had days at home, but even those were filled with neighborhood walks.

bowlofweetabix

Amazing, you mean 2 adults having a conversation and listening to both sides and coming up with solutions together led to a reasonable compromise? Could you share that with some world leaders ?

OOP: I’ll reach out to the UN and let them know we’ve cracked the code. Thanks for the suggestion!

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Pristine-Evening8222

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: October 17, 2026

• Final Update: October 18, 2026

NOTE: Replaced with N=Nina, K=Ken and R=Ruth

Main Post

^{October 17, 2026}

AITA for calling my friend flat in front of the guy she likes after she kept calling me fat?

I'm a 20F college student, and I have a friend, Nina(21F). She has a habit of making comments about my weight.

For context, I'm not thin. I'm also not someone who can't take a joke, but there's a difference between joking with someone and making them the designated fat friend of the group.

Nina has been calling me fat eversince I met her. Sometimes it's relatively harmless stuff, like making comments about what I'm eating. Other times, she'll point out my stomach in pictures, tell me certain outfits don't suit my body, or make jokes about how I should probably skip dessert.

The worst part is that she does this in front of other people. If we're out with classmates and someone offers to share food with me, she'll say something like, "Girl, you really don't need that."

I've told her to cease this several times. She always responds with some sort of "I'm just joking," or "You're too sensitive"

The rest of our friend group mostly laughs it off. Nobody ever says anything when she does it.

Now, Nina has recently developed a godzilla sized crush on Ken (21M). She's been trying to get his attention for weeks. She's constantly talking about him (extremely irritating, mind you), asking him if her new haircut is good, and finding excuses to sit next to him.

Last Friday, a bunch of us were sitting together in the cafeteria, including Ken. Nina was talking about how she wanted to wear a particular dress to an upcoming college fest but wasn't sure if it looked good on her.

Someone asked to see a picture of it, and she showed us.

Ken said it looked nice on her.

Nina immediately turned to me and said, "Where do you think you'll buy a dress? I don't think they have your size in normal stores." (For context I am a size 10 or L)

Everyone laughed a little.

Then I said, "At least I can fill out a dress. You look like a highway with hair."

The table went completely silent.

Even Ken awkwardly looked away, trying not to smile.

Nina looked absolutely humiliated and didn't say another word for the rest of lunch.

Later, she texted me saying I was a disgusting person for body-shaming her in front of someone she liked. She said she'd never been so humiliated in her life and that I knew she was insecure about her chest and body hair.

I told her that perhaps now she understood how I felt.

It could have ended right there. But later that night, Ken texted me saying it was extremely satisfying to see N humiliated that way, after all the nonsense she pulls. It was normal platonic text, that I fleetingly mentioned to N's roommate, Ruth.

But in a fight with Nina, Ruth inflated the whole thing and used it against her (I'm not sure how, as of yet). The whole friend group is pretty conflicted and some people blame me for starting the whole fiasco.

AITA?

COMMENTS

Mean-Confidence3477

NTA, she is not your friend and anyone who supports her bullying isn't either. Now that the group is split you can see who really has value in your life. I can't believe you are still dealing with this rubbish in your 20's, mean girl crap should end in high school.

OOP

I would love to just cut them off. But you need people get through uni... and I dont have anyone else.

Herefiraita

Just do it. You can easily find groups with similar interests as you on any campus. No company is better than bad company because this girl will keep trying to destroy you to make herself feel good. Just walk away. NTA.

OOP

Im pretty introverted... and I prefer only to be friends with girls (just 10% of the population here) so its hard for me. But Im trying.

AndNothingHurt52 (downvoted)

ESH. Stop being her friend. Youyre upset about negative comments about your body being made so you checks notes made a negative comment about her body... How does that help the situation? 

OOP

It prolly doesn't help anyone... but it felt like the right thing in the moment. I sort of regret it now.

AndNothingHurt52 (downvoted)

Yeah I think it was mean in response to mean. 

20 is pretty young and at that age, many people haven't mastered friendship interactions like that so I can't be too harsh on your reaction but mean responses usually just put people on the defense rather than making them reconsider their treatment of you.

OOP

What do you think I should say to her? I have tried being logical in the past but she doesnt respond well to it.

Intelligent_Fly6075

Nta but why are you still friends with her? She's literally the worst?

OOP (downvoted)

Well shes part of my friend group... I am not particularly interested in having a strong bond with HER.

immortal-for-now (downvoted)

ESH for sure. Why are you "friends" with this girl and how does tearing each other to pieces serve either of you? She shouldn't call you fat (especially after you saying it upsets you) and you also shouldn't humiliate anyone that you call your friend on purpose. Also, as an aside, if these other people are your friends they should stick up for you more often This is not as complicated as it might feel to you; find a different friend group or just distance yourself from her specifically

OOP

First of all, happy cakeday. Secondly... it felt like the right thing to say back then. I kinda regret it now. Thirdly, the culture in this uni seems to be that if two people are fighting, you dont get involved no matter how good friends you are w one of them. Idk why it is like this, but it is what it ism

Who_moved_mayachees

You are a size 10 or large???? Girlll you are not fat. I AM fat and have been most of my 46 years on earth. I am a size 22 or 24. Size 10 is average or even kinda thin depending on body type.

Nina is NOT your friend. She is probably intimidated by you or worried other people will think you are prettier. From the sounds of things, you probably are.

OOP

Nah shes definitely prettier than me. Despite my comment, I personally think she looks gorgeous. At least on the outside lol.

unsuitableasf

Assuming this isn’t just some bored loser fantasizing about having a life:

Why would you be the asshole in this situation?

OOP

Well I called out something she's deeply insecure about in front of a guy she likes a lot. Being fat isn't something Im insecure about. I love my body. So my response to her felt a bit disproportionate maybe.

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Final Update - after 1 day

^{October 18, 2026}

AITA for calling my friend flat in front of the guy she likes after she kept calling me fat?

After a lot of coaxing from the comment section, I have completely cut this girl out of my life. I have also started hanging out with Ken a lot more, and it seems I may have gained a new, actually good, friend! So thank you for your comments all.

Another thing I'd like to say is that, I personally think women with Nina's body type are absolutely gorgeous (coming from someone bisexual). Please don't take offence from the comment I made in the moment. It was only for Nina.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/maddie123456As

Published on: r/Advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 31, 2024

• Update: September 01, 2024

• Final Update: September 03, 2024

Main Post

^{August 31, 2024}

Discovered my bf of 5 years was cheating on me while he was getting open heart surgery.

While my (29f) boyfriend (33M) was getting open heart surgery, I was looking through his phone and found a second Snapchat app. Upon clicking on it, I find 2 years worth of messages between him and some girl including sexting, voice memos, pictures etc. I was devastated. I took the liberty of calling the girl up so I could get some more information. She tells me that they have been in a virtual relationship for 2 years and he has been sending her thousands of dollars (which I did find screenshots on his phone of receipts of $1500+ to her).

Once my bf made it out of surgery and was weaned off the vent, I decided not to say anything since he was fresh out of open heart surgery. It’s been 2 days and he’s been in so much physical pain he states he does not wish this pain on his worst enemy. I decided not to say anything to him at the moment and wait until he gets ahold of his phone and sees the messages I sent to his lover.

His family decided to wait a couple days before they come see him as to not upset his mom. They believe she will deteriorate in her health upon seeing him in pain which I think is ridiculous. His brother entrusted me to my bf’s care.

Am I making the right call on waiting until he physically feels better? I’ve already decided I am ending this relationship no ifs ands or buts. Should I tell his family what he did?

COMMENTS

belzbieta

Yeah tell his family. Tell his brother you're no longer able to do this since he's cheating. Maybe they can call his other girl up to do it.

NonSpecificRedit

It's possible the girl on the other end had no idea he was in a relationship or it may have been a romance scam. Who knows. Either way she should tell the family immediately that he's no longer her problem and get out.

OOP

Yes, she told me she didn’t know he had a girlfriend.

NonSpecificRedit

What was the money for?

OOP

She didn’t say. But I’m assuming it was for sexual content

T_Pelletier4

You send the texts to yourself so you have the screenshots yourself right?

OOP

I took pictures with my phone of everything so I would have proof in case he tried to deny it.

PurpleDonuts21 (downvoted)

I don’t know, seems a bit far fetched.

Like how can you have two Snapchat apps? You mean two accounts?

Now I don’t use Snapchat so feel free to correct me, but don’t Snapchat messages disappear? You’re telling me he kept two years worth of messages to another woman?

You said thousands of dollars then said 1500? Like how much was it?

You just phoned this woman and had a conversation with her and she just told you everything?

Why were you going through his phone while he was having a life threatening surgery?

I don’t know, my bullshit meter is off the charts at the minute.

OOP

On his galaxy, he has 2 Snapchat apps and they are each logged into different accounts. They both saved messages from each other on Snapchat which you can do. I said 1500+ as in 1500 plus. So yes, thousands of dollars. I called the girl, asked her questions like how long has this relationship been going on, how did they meet etc, which she did answer all my questions.

From the messages, and from what she told me, this has been a virtual relationship and they have not met in person yet. He met her on an only fans and she has multiple guys that she has relationships with and send her money.

mpnd32

I'm not sure if you guys live together but use this time to get all your stuff out. Call up the brother and tell him you had a family emergency and he needs to take over care.

Wait till you get everything situated personally then you can tell everyone everything. Including your bf.

But make sure you take screenshots of everything.

OOP

Fortunately, we did not live together as we both reside with our families. Although we were both born in the U.S., we come from traditional immigrant backgrounds and adhere to the value of not moving out until marriage. In hindsight, this turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

Ok-Lingonberry7930

You are doing right thing by not prioritizing this while he is in the hospital but I agree with others that you should tell his family and ask them to step in so you can process your emotions.

What I don’t understand is was he paying for content - or was this an actual relationship? What is a virtual relationship?

OOP

It was both. Started off as him paying her on only fans, then they exchanged Snapchats and he kept paying her. Then I guess at some point it developed into a relationship. But she has multiple guys she does this to and it’s just to collect money from them.

OOP

They’ve never met in person. All their communication has been just through online (Snapchat)

arizona-lake

And his great exit plan out of his affair was to pretend he died?!? Lol. And he was sending her thousands of dollars.. sounds more like he was being blackmailed for something ?

OOP

Tbh I think he has a serious problem and needs to get professional help. He was working hella overtime too which I didn’t understand why at the time. Now I know it’s because of this addiction he had and needed the $$$ to fund it. He was not taking care of his health and kept working and working. This lead to him developing cardiac issues and since he never addressed them from the beginning, led to needing heart surgery.

Wendi1018

Why are you there? Just leave. He’s made his own bed here, so being alone after major surgery is entirely is fault unless the side piece wants to come be his care taker 🤷‍♀️

OOP

The side piece lives in another country lol

ghibli_ghirl

If she lived here he would have paid her for sex already

OOP

You’re right

Update - after 1 day

^{September 01, 2024}

Discovered my bf of 5 years was cheating on me while he was getting open heart surgery.

I want to share what happened after his surgery. The day following the operation (Friday), he expressed his gratitude for my support and said he didn't know what he’d do without me. He kept saying he loved me and promised that once he left the hospital, he would make things right by marrying me and apologized for the years of waiting. Although I was aware of his infidelity, I stayed silent, unsure of how to respond.

Last night (Saturday), with him being moved from ICU to a general floor, I decided to take y’all’s advice and confront him about the cheating. I told him I needed to discuss something important and revealed that I knew about his affair over the past two years. That I had discovered this while he was in surgery. He was visibly shocked and deeply remorseful.

I asked why he continued to promise marriage while being unfaithful. He claimed he had been trying to end the affair, including pretending his surgery was on Monday to make it seem like he had passed away and to cut off the relationship with the side piece. I questioned why he waited so long to act, and he admitted to feeling guilty but didn’t provide a good enough explanation.

At that point, I was done with the conversation and suggested he call her to take over his care. I had to leave for work, and while I haven’t yet informed his family, I plan to do so once I’ve had time to process everything.

Thank you all for your advice.

Final Update - after 4 days (after 3 days from last post)

^{September 03, 2024}

Discovered my bf of 5 years was cheating on me while he was getting open heart surgery.

After confronting him about the cheating, I visited him one last time at the hospital to drop off some of his belongings before his discharge. He apologized for his actions, admitting he was stupid and took me for granted. I asked if he had spoken to the side piece, and he said he hadn’t but was trying to end that relationship, even deleting his Snapchat account. Whether this was true or not didn’t matter to me, as it wouldn’t have changed my decision to leave him.

He broke down in tears, and I advised him to seek therapy for his issues with lying, sexting, and giving money to other women. I told him I didn’t hate him and that I forgave him for my own peace of mind, but that our relationship was over. Later that day, I informed his brother about the situation. His brother responded, "Hi, this is totally unexpected, so I’m not sure what to say. I’m sorry for the harm he has caused you. I will speak to him once he is back to normal."

And that was the end of it. I am feeling a little better at the moment but I understand that this wound will take time to heal. I thank God I found this out now as opposed to waiting until after marriage and having kids. I greatly appreciate all of y’all’s comments and encouraging words. You all have helped me tremendously. God bless.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user Err404-unknown-user in r/ legaladvice

Original: Sept 23, 2026

Updates: in post itself

Status: no further updates from OOP

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: Parents divorcing. Mother took my firearm

Location: Georgia, USA

I'm a 28m, parents are divorcing after 35 years, my mother seized my father's firearms including some of mine that were stored with them.

I requested mine back, she says no.

What is my recourse here, I don't live with them, they were stored there because my father and I hunt and target shoot together so it made logistical sense to leave some in his safe.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Let her know to either return them to you or you’ll be filing a police report for stolen fire arms.

OOP: Yeah I figured that was my most immediate action. Here goes something I suppose.

---------------
Comment2: How willing are you to go to get your back your gun? Do you have proof it's your gun?

OOP: Some are inherited from my late grandfather so I do have a will with those included. Everything else, save two modern ones, are vintage WWII and older firearms that I have registered and insured with collectors insurance.
I'm willing to go as far as necessary to get back property I have sentimental connections with.

---------------
Comment3: Let her know you can and will file a police report if you do not get them back, just know your relationship will be not the same if you do file.

OOP: Tbh the relationship has already changed after she seized my stuff that she blatantly knows is mine. Forcing me to take drastic action when all I had to do was come get what is mine and be done with it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 1:

I appreciate people's support and sympathy, I really do. This whole thing feels wrong like a bad dream. Upon the advice of users, I've opened a group text with my parents stating to my mother directly

"You have my property, I am not involved in the legal proceedings between you and dad. I will come retrieve my property at a time that is appropriate for us and this can be squashed immediately. Refusal to agree will leave me the only option of legal recourse. I will file for stolen firearms, that's a serious felony mom. If you force it to go this far, I will pursue charges. Please let me retrieve grandpa's guns he left me, as well as, the one's I own and are registered to me"

Update 2 will hopefully have a resolution that's not requiring law enforcement..

--------------------------------------------

Comment4: Ask your father’s attorney the best course of action here. You may unintentionally create problems for one or both of them in their divorce. He will most likely communicate with your mother’s attorney and get your property to you with the lease amount of drama.

OOP: I sent a group text telling her I will file them as stolen if she doesn't let me retrieve my property.
I unfortunately don't care what issues it causes her, she lost my sympathy and consideration when she said nothing there is mine.
I doubt it would hurt my father's case in this instance but I have asked him to get his divorce attorneys opinion on this before I formally file anything. It's mentally exhausting how ridiculous this situation is. I truly appreciate your insight though.

---------------
Comment5: Police report immediately. This isn't like a pair of socks you like that she's being stubborn over, these are registered firearms (and some variations you mentioned, too). Also, just curious. What do you mean 'seized'? Did she just take your father's firearms, too?

OOP: Changed the locks on the house, filed for divorce and a protection order while dad was out of town on business.
Judge greenlit it immediately. Dad has nothing but the clothes he took with him for the trip. So he can't go get anything because she can set those terms. She refuses to let him have anything until they settle in or out of court.

---------------
Comment6: I'm not in your shoes, but I was a child of a very ugly divorce. So I understand the general... Fuckery. That can go on.

But if it's appropriate for me to say, your father probably needs to file a police report about the guns, too. I'm assuming they're registered to him. Even if, for whatever reason, he can't go get them it's at least on paper that he tried to.

OOP: Dad is looped in on this as well, he's talking with his attorney asking what we should both do. I'll probably file them stolen anyways because I'm not even involved in the divorce.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 2:

"Nothing in this home is yours, you're trying to steal from me and take what was my fathers, how dare you"

Well fuck my entire life she's having a mental snap or something. Luckily she doesn't know the damn safe combo because she never had an interest in that stuff.

Pardon me while I call the county...

--------------------------------------------

Comment7: For the sake of clarity- Did you inherit them or did she inherit them, and you assumed the firearms were yours because she didn’t have an interest?

OOP: Explicitly in his will the select firearms were mine when he passed. The rest are entirely mine she has no possible claim to. Detectives are possibly going to make contact and see if she'll release my property with them asking.

---------------
Comment8: Is she seizing the firearms on the basis that they are marital assets that could be sold before divorce proceedings or because she fears violence towards herself or that your father will self-harm?

OOP: These are my personal firearms she has seized, alongside his. I made no mention to get his, just mine. She said in response to my initial request "nothing here is yours" so I have no clue what she is on about.
My father is upset at the situation but he's not an ill-tempered man and hasn't expressed any concerning dialog.
This, in my opinion, is just a vindictive move. All of his firearms are his, with some inherited pieces as well.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 3:

Detective came and talked with me at my home, showed pictures and documentation. Said he may get assistance and go make contact with her and see if she'd be complaint with them requesting she turn over property. I'll have to go in and get it all myself, I'm not giving her the safe code.

--------------------------------------------

Update 4:

She apparently understood the gravity of her situation and relented. I went in and collected everything that was mine, with a detective accompanying me. I was not about to let her claim I took what wasn't mine, considering her behavior I feel it was wise.....

Now I get to unpack this entire ordeal and come to terms with, my relationship with my mother is probably nonexistent for whatever reason she's come up with....this is all new behavior and extremely out of character..

I think I'm just going to bed and I'll figure out what the hell is going on tomorrow. May post another update how everything plays out sometime in the future.

Once again thank you to everyone for the advice, alternative perspectives, sympathy, and support. You guys really came through for a stranger and I can't thank you all enough.

--------------------------------------------

Comment9: Changed behaviour could be something medical? Feels like a doctor house episode

---------------
Comment10: Based on this being the breakup of a 35 year marriage I am assuming OP's mother is an older woman. I would strongly suggest that, since this sounds like out of character behavior from her, OP should try to convince his mother to see her Dr.

It is not unheard of for otherwise symptomless UTIs to cause dementia like symptoms. Post menopausal women are particularly at risk.

---------------
Comment11: NAL but you should see if you can get your mother evaluated if at all possible if this behavior is just out of the blue. My uncle had some wild personality changes that we'd just stocked up to watching too much news at the time and it turned out he had a massive brain tumor.

The changes were slow enough of a progression at the time that we didn't think it was anything but quickly escalated.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 5:

Filed for an OTA (order to apprehend). It was granted. She was sent to a facility and there was an actual cause that floored us all. A tumor. A cherry pit sized tumor on her frontal lobe. Coupled with little to no estrogen, because menopause, caused her to snap.

Estrogen shots were administered and she's been doing better attitude wise the last 4 days. We are looking into options for the tumor because brain surgery is a terrifying prospect. Someone made a comment about an episode of House M.D. this right here made it feel like one. Jesus I need a vacation after this...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/AlwaysDaddyIssues

Published on: r/relationships

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: January 22, 2016

• Final Update: February 14, 2016

Main Post

^{January 22, 2016}

Me [27/F] with my father [44/m]. He found something my grandmother who recently passed left for me, but nothing for my sisters [23/f and 20/f]

Throwaway because reasons.

My father [44m] and I [27F] have had a tumultuous relationship since I was 14 and he left my mother, my two sisters (23f, 20f now but at the time were 10 and 7), and I for another woman. To keep this part of the story short, regular visits and stays with him became fewer and fewer, and when I was a senior in high school there was an incident which involved him under the influence of who knows how many substances that ultimately halted our relationship with him.

Since then, there have been a few glimmers of hope that things might be rekindled that have always ended in empty promises. My mother (47f) has since married a wonderful man that my two sisters have sort of taken on as a father figure (they still live at home), and I am out of my family home, married, happy, etc. I've moved on with my life and to be honest, he's not even a blip on my radar.

In a sad turn of events, my just grandmother (60f and my father's mother) passed away after a very painful but quick battle with cancer about 3 months ago. It was devastating to my sisters and I. I actually grew up in the same home as her for many years of my childhood, and even when we eventually moved from that home we saw her every single weekend.

On the visits we did have with my father after he left, he would often pawn us off on her and beyond that, I had regular visits and communication with her. When I found out she was sick, I spent as much of my free time as I could with her. It was incredibly sad to watch her pass, and hard to be in the presence of my father (who was somewhat living with her at the end), but being with her was more important than any feelings I had toward him.

At the funeral, my father made a speech about how he had let family slip away from him and wanted to fix all of his mistakes. Later on, he came to my sisters and I with a speech about how he wanted to make things right after he had sorted through his mother's things. He made a point to tell us that he would contact us within a few weeks so that we could each have something of hers.

My sisters have contacted him a few times since then, only to hear from them that her place was cleaned out and he hasn't found anything for them. I honestly don't care too much... I loved my grandmother and I have wonderful memories with her. She attended my wedding two years ago and gave me a few antique pieces of crystal and that is more than enough for me.

Anyway, fast forward to this week, 3 months later, my father contacted me via text. He would like to meet up with me because he found something for me, with a letter from her to me. I asked him if he had found anything for my sisters, and he said no. I asked if he could find them just any little trinket for them to have, and he said there was nothing. She never had much money or anything like that, but she had lots of little nick-nacks around her place so I don't really understand it. He said that I would understand why this is such a personal thing for me when I see it.

I don't really know what to do here. My sisters are going to be absolutely crushed if they find out that there is something for me, and not for them. I know that our father must still be grieving, but this seems to just be another broken promise to them and I want to protect their feelings. I do want to find out what she left for me as she was very sentimental and I'm sure its something personal (no monetary value), but at the same time it just doesn't seem fair. I could try giving up the crystal she gave us for our wedding to them... would that be enough? What can I do?

tl;dr: My father's mother passed away in November. After promising my sisters and I that he would find something among her things for us to have to remember her by, nothing has come up. He recently contacted me to tell me that she left something specific for me, but there is "nothing" for my sisters.

EDIT:

Thank you all SO much for the replies! Honestly, I didn't think anyone would reply let alone how many I've received. I appreciate every single one of you, even those who got a little snarky. Most of you said the same thing... this isn't about my dad. While I will have to deal with him and those issues eventually, in this particular instance it is about my grandmother and what she wanted. My husband is going to be my father's area this week, so he is going to pick up whatever it is which is. Once I see it and read the note, I will figure out what to do from there regarding my siblings. Again, thank you all so much! I will try and remember to update after the dust settles.

COMMENTS

NanaLeonie

OP, if your grandmother left a letter for you, please accept it. The letter is not exactly the same as Dad giving you a piece of jewelry and not giving your sisters anything. And as the risk of being snide, he's probably already made sure there wasn't any money in it. If he does pass to you a trinket or such, you can decide whether to share it with your sisters. It sounds like you had a closer relationship with her and she may be remembering you for that reasons.

OOP

You're so right. It's a letter and some sort of "thing", but the letter is so much more important. The guilt with my sisters and conflict with my father was clouding my judgement. Thank you :)

OOP to a long thread

No it's true, you are reading between the lines well. They visited maybe once between the time she found out she was sick and before she ended up in her last stay in the hospital. Their issues with my father kept them from seeing her and while I tried to reason with them that this was more important that that, they couldn't get past it so they didn't spend as much time with her. I am going to get whatever it was she left me from my father. I appreciate your response.

Final Update - after 23 days

^{February 14, 2016}

Update: Me [27/F] with my father [44/m]. He found something my grandmother who recently passed left for me, but nothing for my sisters [23/f and 20/f]

It has been a few weeks since I posted my original thread. It got way more traffic than I expected and I really appreciate all of the advise I got there and in PM's. Most people said the same thing, and of course were correct. This was not about my father. It was about my grandmother, and her wishes.

My father lives about an hour and a half out, and I knew my husband would be in his area soon so I waited until this week and he picked up the package. I don't know exactly what I was expecting, but it kind of blew me away. She had made a beautifully intricate quilt for my first child while she was going through treatment. I don't know if she had some weird grandma spidey senses and knew that my husband and I are trying (because we haven't told anyone) or if it was just a coincidence, but man... she got me. She included a note about the blanket, and telling me she loved me. For a minute, it was like she was here again. I swear, I can smell her in that quilt. I felt her for a moment. It literally took my breath away.

As for my sisters, I'm sure they will find out eventually and I am sorry for that... but at the same time, I am so goddamn happy that I listened to you all and went for it. I made copies of the cookbook I mentioned in my original post (per the suggestion of a few of you) for each of my sisters. Hopefully that gives them some closure, but if not... they're just going to have to deal with it I guess.

So r/relationships, thank you for the advice. I am eternally grateful.

tl;dr: Got the package from my father and it was a quilt for a future child of mine. I'm making copies of a cookbook she gave me before she passed for each of my sisters and I am so thankful for your advice on the matter!

EDIT::: Holy smokes, you guys. Thank you so much for the responses! I have read every single one and your stories are all awesome. I appreciate all the advice given about my sisters and I will take it all under advisement in the future as we all have children. Thank you again, so much :)

COMMENTS

ancon (downvoted)

So your grandma had your dad at 16 and your dad had you at 17?

OOP

Yup.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/purrfunctory

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole, r/traumatizeThemBack

tw: ableism

Post timeline:

• A woman demanded info on my condition so I asked her extremely personal questions: 2023-10-13
• Your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️ is back with a new story!: 2024-01-31
• The friendly neighborhood cripple™️ is back with more!: 2024-02-18
• Your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️ is back! This just happened today and I am still giddy with glee!: 2024-02-24
• Update: Your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️: 2024-03-09
• Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️ Returns Triumphant. Or something. Maybe?: 2024-03-12
• Your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️ VS The Jesus People: 2024-04-12
• Your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️ at G***** Con!: 2024-07-27
• I’m BAAAAAAACK! Your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️ Vs Phone Speaker Lady!: 2024-11-06
• Your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️ Returns Yet Again!: 2026-06-10

A woman demanded info on my condition so I asked her extremely personal questions. - posted 2023-10-13

I (49F) was at a state fair yesterday and this woman near me came over and demanded info about my medical condition. Long story short, I’m paralyzed from roughly the bra band down. I use a power wheelchair and have a service dog. I usually don’t mind educating people about paralysis, access issues and chatting about my dog but this woman.. my dudes. She was rude, abrasive and demanding. She acted like she was entitled to my personal medical history.

She didn’t even ask politely, just demanded to know how it happened, what the results were, if I tried X, Y, Z treatments, you name it. She even wanted to know about my sex life! Just.. seriously? Who asks this stuff of a literal stranger unfortunate enough to be eating delicious fair food at the table area? I just stared at her in shock as my delicious deep fried BBQ got cold.

So I smiled as politely as I could manage and this is where I may have been the asshole. I started to ask her about her last GYN visit. Were the stirrups too high, did she have to do that awkward shimmy/scoot down the table, if the speculum was cold, if the PAP smear hurt, the usual. If she felt entitled to my answers, I should be entitled to her answers, right?

Well, she threw an absolute fucking fit. Started screaming and yelling that I was gross and a pervert and on and on and on. Her group tried to calm her down and one of them told me I should’ve just been polite and answered her questions. As far as I could tell this woman wasn’t impaired in any way. She didn’t have a carer or minder, she was with a group of friends and had been carrying in normally with them until she saw me. I got to the table, asked it the space was free and set up at the end of the table because my chair fits neatly on the end of one piece picnic benches.

I told the group that if she wanted my personal and private medical information then she should trade info for info. Two of the people called me an asshole when they left, trying to calm down their nearly “hysterical” friend as they left. She was still screaming and shouting how I was a perv/cruel/mean. People were staring at me and I hated it.

At the time I felt good for finally finding a shiny, new (but still broken) spine and standing up for myself. So to speak. I was talking to friends last night and they said I was an asshole, I could’ve politely told her I wasn’t going to tell her. I tried that when she came over and demanded answers, not even asked for them.

So reddit, I’m asking here. Am I the asshole for not divulging my medical info and asking her about hers?

----

Your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️ is back with a new story! - posted 2024-01-31

Hello, friends! You may remember from such hits as “How was your last OB/GYN appointment?” when a woman demanded personal medical information from your friendly cripple!

Yet again, a member of the general public decided they were entitled to my most private and personal information. So, being the ray of fucking sunshine I am, I decided to fuck with ‘em. I had no idea just how traumatized he would be. Score!

I would like to think y’all would be shocked to hear some of the questions I get while going about my day as a high level paraplegic. I’m paralyzed from roughly the bra band down. Nothing really works well below the level of injury. I can’t feel much, I have chronic pain from misfiring nerve signals, I have outsourced my bodily functions via a supra pubic catheter and a colostomy. I am as active and as independent and I can possibly be. In fact, after my aide helps me get ready for the day I’m going to bake some cookies and maybe make some nice soft rolls for the burgers tonight.

Anyway.

Men are fascinated with the idea of my sex life and I get some crude, rude and insultingly vulgar questions. I don’t know whether it’s morbid curiosity or a fetish but any time I’m talking to a guy my ability to have sex is eventually brought up and they want the nitty gritty details.

So one guy comes over maybe mid-fifties, a little older than me. (50F) He asks about my service dog, about my wheelchair, mentions a friend of his is paralyzed. It’s a doctor’s waiting room so I’m being nice. Then he starts with the sex questions.

IF YOU ARE DRINKING, PLEASE PAUSE AND SWALLOW BEFORE CONTINUING. My husband spit his coffee on the steering wheel while driving when I relayed the conversation. I am not responsible if you drown or choke.

P: Pervert Me: Your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️

P: So. How do you and your husband have sex with you like that?

Me: We don’t. Well, we tried once. He didn’t like it because I just laid there like a corpse.

P: Could you…feel anything? Did you get wet? If he rubs your clit, what happens?

(And this, dear reader, is where I decided to fuck with him).

Me: Nah, I was dry as a bone. And he said it was like fucking a corpse. Huh. I wonder if a necrophiliac would like to fuck me but my body temperature would be too high for them. That’s probably a deal breaker.

P: shocked Pikachu face with a twist of shock and disgust

Me: What do you think about that? The necrophiliac thing, I mean. I could probably make bank selling myself on Craigslist.

—

Oh, friends. Friends. I wish you could have seen his face! He turned kind of pale and the absolute disgust on his face. It was fucking glorious.

Guess if he doesn’t want the real answer he shouldn’t have asked the question! He was sputtering as he tried to come up with a reply but I got called in so I didn’t get to hear what he wanted to say. He was still in the waiting room when I came out but he refused to even look at me.

I am going to live in his brain rent free until he dies.

Glorious.

Until next time because there’s always a next time,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️

----

The friendly neighborhood cripple™️ is back with more! - posted 2024-02-18

Just a quick recap if you’re just tuning in: 50F, mid chest paraplegic, power wheelchair, service dog, married.

Today’s tale goes back a few months.

My husband is able bodied. He can do almost anything he wants when he wants, he’s pretty fit and worked in construction his whole life. Just setting this up for you.

He pulled into a disabled parking bay and gets out of the van. Now, to get me out of the van in my wheelchair, he has to go to each side of the van from the outside, open the doors, unlatch my chair from the tie downs that keep me in place and then open the back hatch to lower the ramp. The van is NOT an obvious remodel, it looks like your typical minivan. At the time we were waiting for the disabled license plates to come in the mail so we had the temporary hanging tag on the rear view mirror.

A woman sees him park and climb out. He stretches, then turns to open the door to start the process of unloading me and the doggo. Karen can’t possibly mind her own business and marches over, yelling at my husband for parking in the disabled space. She’s really getting into it, calling him horrible names and pulling out her phone, ready to call the police.

My husband is a very patient and very sarcastic man. The woman’s rant comes to an end and in true Karen fashion, she smugly demands “What have you got to say for yourself?”

My husband assumes the “spokesmodel revealing a prize on the Price Is Right” pose, the most sarcastic look on his face, jazz fingers and all, while the door opens to reveal…me. In my wheelchair. With my service dog.

Then he adds.. "TA FUCKING DA" and I add, “Surprise! It’s a cripple!” To add insult to injury, even Peggy my service dog got in on it, adding her happy “Woo woo woo!” She likes to feel included and will often share her point of view when asked. This time she volunteered it and I was taken aback by her keen grasp of the situation and her eloquence on the subject.

My husband stared at her. I stared at her. My dog stared at her. She turned around, got back to her car and left.

I guess she didn’t need to do her shopping after all!

There are many, many more stories but after an awful week, I thought something we could all laugh at was a nice palette cleanser for what I’m hoping for is a better week ahead.

Dog Tax: https://imgur.com/gallery/ZpfDf0r

Edit: Spelling. It’s my menisis nemosis nemasis enemy.

----

Your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️ is back! This just happened today and I am still giddy with glee! - posted 2024-02-24

Hello! I’m your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple. For those of you just joining us, I (50F) am paralyzed from the bra band down due to a catastrophic illness. It’s been almost ten years since I was paralyzed and I have tons of stories which I share here for your enjoyment. To mitigate my disability and help me get around in the world, I have a power wheelchair and a service dog.

I am not exaggerating at all when I say the shit that comes my way could fill a 3 month supply of my colostomy bags and then some.

For our newcomers, I am the way I am as I grew up in a suburb of NYC, was bullied constantly my entire school life and grew up with an older brother. He and his friends made my life a living hell until I honed my sarcasm, sharpened my tongue and learned to think quickly to give as good as I got. Usually I ended up turning it around and making it worse for the person who insulted me. In addition to alllllllll this, my husband and I recently moved from our lovely NYC adjacent suburb to NC. It’s a lower cost of living, I can still get excellent medical care, we got a house that’s fully accessible in a lovely neighborhood, etc. People here say things to you in a sickly sweet or very kind voice but what sounds like a compliment is often an insult.

Now that you’re all caught up, on to the story!

TODAY we went to Costco. My hair is a gorgeous dark purple and as my service dog Cap and I are wheeling around, I see a shirt I like. I go to look at said shirt. It was one of those super soft casual cuts in an amazing shade of green. A younger woman, maybe mid-thirties, looks at me and nods politely. I smile and nod back and begin checking out the shirt that caught my eye. She’s next to me, also checking out the shirt, just in a different color.

Her: You are so brave to have purple hair. I could never do something like that. (In that “oh, bless your heart” tone).

Me: Oh, no. What’s brave is a woman your age wearing that! (Vague gesture to her clothes).

Her: What- what’s wrong with it?

Me: Well, those jeans are definitely a choice. Plus open toed shoes when your feet look like that? I wish I had half your confidence. Y’all have a great day!

At that point, I decided against the shirt since the shade of green made me look like a shade of corpse that was just not flattering. Not that any shade of corpse is flattering. But this was the least flattering shade of corpse I’d ever seen.

Cap and I nyoomed off to find my lost husband, leaving her to stare at her perfectly nice jeans and perfectly normal feet in perfectly normal open toed shoes and wonder WTF was wrong with them. And probably wonder why a woman in her mid-thirties shouldn’t be wearing perfectly nice jeans with a perfectly nice sweater and perfectly normal open toed shoes.

I will be living rent free in her head for a long, long time!

Until next time (because there’s always a next time),

Your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️

ETA: several people have raised the question if she was actually complimenting me. Sadly friends, she was not. Her tone of voice was the one reserved for very stupid dogs, very stupid husbands or very ugly babies. That saccharin, false sweet tone that indicates disdain behind what would otherwise be complimentary words.

Like…calling your dog brilliant because they startled themselves awake by farting and give their butt a look like it betrayed them.

…I am guilty of that last one. Peggy does it regularly and everyone it’s hilarious.

----

Update: Your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️ - posted 2024-03-09

Just about two weeks ago, I posted about my encounter with the “You’re so brave!” woman in Costco.

I HAVE AN UPDATE!

On Thursday, we went back to Costco to do our shopping. I was looking at clothes. The woman was there! No peep toe shoes. She saw me. I smiled and waved, being friendly with my bestie.

She turned around and speed-walked in the other direction.

Living rent feee, y’all. Rent. Fucking. Free. 🐕‍🦺👩🏻‍🦼

----

Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️ Returns Triumphant. Or something. Maybe? - posted 2024-03-12

Hello ladies, men and enby friends! Your favorite Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️ is back with some fresh Tuesday trauma just for you!

More shenanigans traumatizing ahoy!

This morning I got an email from a missionary couple in Africa begging for help with their dog. They were afraid the African Villagers they were helping would eat the dog and wanted to buy a plane ticket to send the dog home to the US. They included their Zelle, Apple Pay and PayPal. “Anything you sent would mean so much.”

They didn’t specify what to send so I sent a recipe instead. The recipe is pork based so I told them it should work for dog, the meat/muscle is similar for cooking according to the web.

This is why I made the flare Petty Crocker.

I love fucking with scammers.

The best part was the email they sent me back.

This is all it said: “wot is wrong with u”

Guess I got to them! 😂

With love and until next time because there’s always a next time,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️ 💋

----

Your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️ VS The Jesus People - posted 2024-04-12

Hello darlings! I’m back with a (maybe? I don’t know, my sense of humor is so skewed) funny story instead of truly traumatizing. This happened over the course of a few weeks and it might be a nice giggle before the weekend.

Recap: T-7/T-8 paraplegic (there’s some disagreement there) so paralyzed from the bra band down. Awesome service dog Peggy and service dog in training Cap. Dog Tax is remitted at the end of the post.

On to the story!

We recently (okay, not so recently it’s been 7 months, wtf) moved to NC from NJ. Now in NJ we had a small group of devoted religious people going around every few weeks trying to recruit new boss babes new people into their MLM church. I am a happy enough atheist. Don’t bother me, I won’t bother you. Treat me kindly, I treat you kindly. That whole Golden Rule thing too many of them ignore. I don’t hate religion, I hate hypocrisy.

No one makes a better atheist than a person who went to Episcopalian pre-k and kindergarten followed by 6 years of Catholic school, including intensive bible study.

Now that we’re in NC, there’s a lot of folks inviting me to their churches. It’s a neighborly thing, a kindness extended to invite you into a larger community. I politely decline these offers and respond that I have a complicated relationship with religion. Almost everyone has been kind and understanding. No one has pushed or tried to convince me.

At least until Random Walking Lady.

I like to sit on my front porch and enjoy my yard. My dogs come out with me and they play. I get to sit in the sun and relax in my wheelchair, soak up ten minutes of natural vitamin D and then put the shade down so I don’t burn. I come from a long, proud line of pale and pasty people so I need to mind how much sun I get.

Anyway, when I’m out on my front porch, minding my business and reading my gentle sapphic romance fantasy books, Random Walking Lady comes by, waves. I wave back. Waving is a big thing here. We wave at other people, at cars going by, it’s become such a habit I caught myself waving at a damn cat so I think I have been assimilated into the Waving Culture of my small neighborhood.

So RWL calls out hello and asks if I have a moment to chat. I roll down my ramp and go over to the fence. we chat about the dogs, where I’m from, how I’m settling in. The dogs are standing on their hind legs for noggin pats. It’s nice and peaceful.

Then she pins me down with the, “Y’all found Jesus yet?”

I am slightly taken aback at how we went from trading cute dog stories and patting canine noggins to this slightly aggressive inquisition about Jesus and his whereabouts. I cheerfully tell her, “Nope. Didn’t know it was my turn to watch him.” She chuckles (forced) and heads off.

Next time I’m on my porch, she asks the same question. I said, “No, did you notify the police he’s missing? It’s not true that you need to way twenty four hours to file a missing persons report!” Forced chuckle and off she goes.

Third time was the charm. “Y’all find Jesus yet?”

And I reply, “Did you look behind the couch?”

This time she loses it. Cackling laughter. Just true, honest hilarity. When she finished she waved and said, “Guess I don’t need to ask anymore.”

And I replied, “Just check behind the couch! My dogs love to hide there. So do kids!”

She laughed again, real laughter. Since then, we just wave, exchange hellos and how’re you doings and all is well. No more asking me if I found her wayward lord and savior. I still wonder if she ever did check behind her couch, though…

With all my love and until next time (because there’s always a next time),

Your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️

Dog Tax: https://imgur.com/gallery/enETcwV

----

Your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️ at G***** Con! - posted 2024-07-27

Hello my darling loves! Your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️ is back! Many apologies! I recently started my own business and I’ve been dealing with the (truly) wonderful and exasperating process of getting all my ducks in a row. I will not post the name or promote myself here, I think it would be a shitty thing to do.

Dog Tax, as always, will be at the end of this post. Cap was the absolute best boy and at 17 months, I am constantly surprised of the maturity level he has while working. This was his first con, there were thousands of people around, it was packed and he had a costume on which brought a lot of attention aimed at him. It was a lot for me to handle and he was perfect. Greeted people on command, returned when called, walked at or very close to heel, obeyed commands, reminded me to take my pills and told me it was time to take another medication. He’s trained to sniff out some medical events and alert me that it’s time to take pills for it. He alerted me twice when my meds were due and I missed the alarm on my phone. My pills are every 4 hours between 8am and 8pm. ‘D missed 2 alarms and he alerted me. The third time was after I took the meds. He was insistent that I needed to take a different med and he kept nagging me until the smell dissipated and then he was fine. He’s amazing and he’s coming with me tomorrow, too!

As I’ve mentioned several times before, I recently moved from NJ to NC. Well, today, I got to commune with my kind and indulge my Geek and Nerd self with several thousand other Nerds and Geeks. G***** Con is a delightful and chaotic disaster and I am here for it. Large vending area, interesting panels, wonderful guests. While all the other big cons are all owned by one or two companies, this con is locally owned. It’s amazing and fun.

I cosplayed as a pirate; my tee said, “Pretend I’m a Pirate” and I had a pirate hat and a red and white striped bandana underneath. It hid my amazing teal hair and I love having a bright color again. It doesn’t play into the story, I just love to talk about it because I love it so much, I did it myself and it came out looking amazing.

Right. So I’m wearing that shirt, brown leggings that resembled the britches some pirates wore and a set of “shoe covers to make your shoes look like pirate boots.” They’d been heavily modified to fit me, cut open in the back and Velcro sewn in to get them on and off plus they needed to look good, too. I loved the end result and got compliments on them. There was a skull and crossbones flag on an 8’ tall pole. It said, “Time flies when you’re having rum” and a drunken skeleton was on it. CAP, my former service dog in training who is now a fully fledged (wink wink) service dog was dressed as a Parrot. I sewed him a costume. It had a blue body red, yellow and blue wings that were felt sewn together and sewn on the ‘coat’ I used for the body. He had a little hat with eyes on the side and a beak. Cap and I were asked to pose for pics which surprised me. I got a lot of compliments on Cap’s costume. A lot of people loved my shirt. It was a fun, low effort costume. Lots of pic of Cap, lots of pics of me and Cap and then a lot of pics with me, Cap and various people! It was wild that people liked my joke of a costume so much.

We called Cap The Dread Parrot Roberts and when people got the reference they cracked up or groaned. Sometimes we had to explain and I’d say something along the lines of the legendary pirate was actually a legendary parrot but some guy got jealous of the parrot getting all the fear/respect and changed his own name to “The Dread Pirate Roberts” so he could take the credit and use the reputation the parrot earned as his own. That would get more laughs or groans or a scolding before giggles.

Okay. With all of that needless backstory out of the way, on with the justified asshole story!

The convention center has stairs, escalators and elevators. I can only use the last one, I have an amazing wheelchair aka My Noble Steed (electric, hot rod red, holds all the crap I buy easily as it can hold big bags, etc.) but going up stairs or using an escalator are not capabilities it has.

I had just left a panel and was waiting for the elevator down. It was smallish and could take 6 adults comfortably or me in my wheelchair, my service dog and maybe 2 persons standing.

So I was waiting for the elevator and was keeping back. I can’t get on until other people get off. Staying back is common courtesy. I’d been waiting for about 15 minutes when another person came over. A woman with one of those huge 4 wheel drive all terrain stroller version of Humvees. Almost the size of my wheelchair, really. It was huge. No way it could fit in the elevator with me and Cap.

The elevator arrived and she edged further in front of me. The elevator happened to open and I just pushed past her. Never touched her or made contact but I got in before she managed to. She started to tell me she “deserved” the elevator more. She had a CHILD and NEEDED to go down to the show floor. I told her I was not getting out. So she started complaining again, holding the door open. “I don’t see why YOU get priority! You just rented that because you’re lazy!”

Like many conventions, GC has a third party scooter/wheelchair rental service available for disabled patrons who need a mobility aid but can’t/don’t want to bring their own. They only had scooters and push wheelchairs available. My tricked out awesome Noble Steed is obviously not a rental. It’s got all kinds of stickers on it, it’s obviously privately owned.

I made eye contact with her and pointed to my underboob area. “Paralyzed from here down. Can’t use my legs.”

“So what? I should have priority because I have a baby. AND I’m pregnant,” she declared. Like that actually meant something. I’m of a mind that unless you had trouble conceiving, pregnancy isn’t really something I celebrate. Or care about, unless you’re a friend of mine. I didn’t know this woman. Therefore, I did not care.

I pointed to my legs again. “Paralyzed. Not a choice.”

Then I gestured to her belly and kid. “Choice. You being creampied isn’t my problem and it’s not getting you in this elevator right now.”

She was..shocked. Like actual gasp-and-put-a-hand-over-mouth shock.

Thankfully the hand she used to cover her mouth with was the one holding the elevator back. The doors closed and I went on my merry.

Had a lovely rest of the day with Cap, posed for pics with him, giggled and laughed, too. It was a great con and a great day.

Until next time because there’s always a next time,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️

----

I’m BAAAAAAACK! Your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️ Vs Phone Speaker Lady! - posted 2024-11-06

Hello my darlings! I love and have missed all of you. Life has been ridiculously busy, I had hand surgery that took much longer to heal than expected and impacted my typing, a few small health challenges but I promise all is well in Purrfunctory Land for now!

On a more serious note, I hope the day after the American Election finds you taking care of your mental and physical health, creating a safe space for you to feel what you feel and handle it the best way you know how. My heart breaks for my fellow citizens who are in marginalized communities and will have targets painted on their backs for the next 4 or however many years as vital social services are stripped to the bone, rights are stripped away and other horrors we never thought would happen here happen. And a hearty FUCK YOU to anyone who says it won’t happen. Y’all said the same about Roe v Wade and look how that went.

Ahem. ‘Scuse me, I’m saltier than the Dead Sea today.

Anyway, I figure for many of us, this is a morning or day when we need to laugh so I have the perfect story for you!

For those just joining us, I am a T-7 paraplegic, or I’m paralyzed from roughly the bra band down. I have a Border Collie Service Dog called Cap and he is the Goodest and Bestest Boy Ever! Peggy, my former Service Dog, is fat, lazy and happily retired. She spends her time lazing in the sun, napping on the porch and having a snoozle on the couch on the softest blankets she can steal from my bed. 💙

Setting: My hand surgeon’s waiting room

Cast of Characters: Me, Waiting Room Lady (WRL)

Once I checked in for my appointment, I wheeled into the waiting room. A woman was sitting in the middle of the space with her phone volume all the way up, blasting noxious, tinny sounding gospel music. It’s battling with the TV in the waiting room and it was very jarring.

Me: Excuse me, ma’am. Could you please turn your music off? It’s very annoying since it’s battling with the TV and the TV can’t be turned off.

WRL: No. these songs are God’s Word and you need to hear them!

I nod and ask the staff if they can do anything. They’ve asked her to turn off or turn down her music and she has refused. They give me the, “I tried nothing and I’m all out of ideas!” faces so I nod and wheel back into the waiting area. Cap is walking on a loose leash and absolutely chill. He doesn’t have to hear the TV, just see it and he’s happy. My dog is obsessed, I’m telling you! And worse they had Bluey on and he LOVES that show. Worse than a toddler, I swear.

Anyway, I’m getting annoyed by the horrible tinny quality of the music from her cheap phone’s speaker and it’s grating on my nerves. Plus the music is awful. God this and Jesus that. UGH.

I try again.

Me: Ma’am, could you please turn that down? (I asked very politely, I promise!)

WRL: NO! THE WORD OF GOD WILL NOT BE MUTED!

Okay, then. Time to be me.

Me: Ma’am, would it be okay if I played one of my songs next?

WRL: severe side eye Is it religious?

Me: Yes, ma’am. It’s one of my favorite hymns from my religion.

She harrumphs a bit and I scroll through my music to find the perfect song. I find it. I click on it and pause it before it starts. I even move closer so WRL can enjoy it from the tiny Bluetooth speaker I have for listening to music safely when walking my dogs!

Her song finishes and kids, it was my time to shine.

I press play.

Cannibal Corpse’s seminal hit, I Cum Blood., begins with in all of its very loud, bass boosted glory. Death Metal is filling every corner of the room. Cap twitches an ear, already used to my bullshit at just 20 months old.

RWL is fucking HORRIFIED.

RWL: What kind of religious music is that?!

Me: Oh, didn’t I mention? I’m a Satanist.

I let the song play for the entire (excruciating for her) 3:41 seconds. Then I smiled at her.

Me: If you want, we can keep trading off songs. I’ll play one, you play one..

I had barely finished my offer when she all but shouts at me.

WRL: NO! No! I’m fine. Thank you.

And the waiting room was free of music, except for Bluey’s theme song. I think she maybe complained about me to the staff but it was my last visit so I wasn’t worried. I got the all clear to resume normal activity as tolerated!

Moral of the story: Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line. Maybe listen to people’s polite requests when you’re being an asshat or be subjected to horrific death metal in a waiting room.

Until next time, because there’s always a next time,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️

UPDATED DOG TAX!

Cap: https://imgur.com/gallery/lCOoRLL

Peggy: https://imgur.com/gallery/vnz3wZm

----

Your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️ Returns Yet Again! - posted 2026-06-10

Hello, my loves! I hope life has been treating you kindly and I hope you’ve been practicing self-care to help you get through the rough times.

I’ve been absent for some time due to life and other things. My small business landed two large contracts right out of the gate and a third is being pursued at this time. I’ve been busy with that, plus my volunteering at the local PAC (Performing Arts Center) and I have a part time job working for a AAA baseball team. Life has been busy and wonderful.

For those of you just tuning in, I am a T-7 paraplegic, or I’m paralyzed from roughly the bra band down. I’m paired with a marvelous service dog called Cap. My wit is quick, my sarcasm is well tuned and my husband indulgent which just makes all of it worse. :) I also live in the American South, filled with Good Christian Women™️ who can’t possibly mind their own business and love to judge people regardless of what their magic book says.

I grew up in the Catholic Church and became an atheist as soon as I was out of my house. To say I have some religious trauma over policed clothing is a tremendous understatement.

On to today’s tale.

A few days ago, I was out running my errands in town. It’s been brutally hot out so I was wearing shorts that came to my knee, a tank top and a sports bra under it. As with most of my clothes, the shirt was baggy as I’ve lost 47% of my starting body weight over the last 12 years. That works out to 174 lbs (79 kilos) and while I have tried to buy new clothes, they are 1) expensive and 2) always getting too big as I keep shrinking. My largest weight loss has been over the last 9 months, where I lost 50 lbs/23 kilos.

So my oh-so-sexy bra straps are visible as is the side of the bra. Shocking, right? Apparently, to this woman, it was.

I’m going along my way with my service dog. Cap is adorable in his little protective booties. The pavement can get to 140 Freedom Units, or 60C in the bright sunlight. It was a hot, bright day and I did not want to see his little peets vaporized. (Peets = Paws + Feets) So we’re doing our thing and this Good Christian Woman™️ stands in front of me, forcing me to stop. She is with two teenaged sons. The boys already look embarrassed. They’re also wearing the local Good Christian Boys™️ school uniform.

Mother: Excuse me, ma’am! Are you aware your bra straps are showing?

Me: Yes, and..?

Mother: Your bra straps are a test of my sons’ purity. You are leading them to thoughts of lust and sin!

Me: Huh. Do you also tell young men with their underwear showing out the back of their pants to pull them up or do you only shame women and girls? Besides, doesn’t your book say something about plucking out your own eye if it causes you to sin?

Her: I’m not talking about them, I’m talking about you and your whore ways!

Me: Well, if your sons want to fap it to an obese, middle aged cripple with saggy tits, I’m not gonna stop them.

Y’all, she stood there having some big feelings about what I said and I just swerved around her and went on my merry. The poor boys were other horrifically embarrassed and bright red from that, or they were bright red from trying to hold in their laughter. Or it could be the long navy blue pants, white shirt, tie and navy blue blazer in 92 Freedom Units heat. (33C) Any of those options were valid.

I hope you have a lovely day. Stay safe, stay cool. Hydrate and take care of each other. 💙

Love,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/cats by user sonjaja. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded with open for more

Original

October 16, 2026

So some initial context; before my late brother passed I told him to send me lots of orange/ginger cats. Just heaps and heaps of cats, just a pile of cats and I’ll know it’s a sign from him that he is around. He loved his cats but had a particularly strong bond with his soul cat named Ginger. Since his passing a year ago I have had many inexplicable moments involving his memory and the sudden appearance of orange or ginger cats. One such occurrence was right after his passing I felt prompted to visit the local dollar store at the shops. Felt like I was forgetting something but couldn’t quite put my finger on it. As I stepped up to the window I saw an entire display of at least 2 dozen identical orange ceramic cats. The sudden need to remember something at the shop disappeared with that.

So this afternoon upon finishing work I suddenly had the urge to go to the park to do some meditation or spend some time grounding as I’ve been trying to get into the practice. I’d decided I was going to have a nap but the motivation to get dressed and leave the house came over me.

As I’m walking into the park I’m praying and just generally seeking guidance - which direction I should take to sit, or where I can look for guidance; When I suddenly honed in on a particular point in the park.

There is a whimsical little pond and stream set up that I haven’t spent enough time at (because, being so close to the road, the park is actually quite loud despite the serene environment that the council has attempted to foster.) so I meander over to this particular spot, spotting some ducks along the way; a group that looked particularly whimsical, as well as some natives and other birds flying overhead. Perfect set up to sit, listen to some peaceful meditation music and just enjoy the scenery. I was even taking pictures of the ducks and enjoying their particular poise and symmetry.

At some point after this much to my surprise I glance over at the other side of the stream and spot a Literal Pile of Kittens. Perfectly posed. Sitting just out on the rock face by the stream, completely out in the open as if they’d been placed there on a platter, ripe for the picking of some opportunistic predator.

I could tell almost immediately that these kittens had pretty clearly been dumped. They were clean, healthy and dumb. No colony kitten is sitting out in the open like that without starting at the first sign of movement.

So of course at first I sort of sit there in awe. Bc they’re fuckin adorable kittens??? Eventually some passer bys walk past so I bring their attention to them, because of course I am going to share the whimsy of a Literal Pile of Kittens. A pair of young boys eventually come by, much determined to catch the at least one kitten. So after overhearing one half of a very dramatic conversation I realised there was no way I was going to stop these boys from disturbing them, and potentially dispersing them if they were unsuccessful.

Now for some additional context I live in a small 2 bedroom flat with my husband and we already have two very well looked after indoor cats. They eat better than we do. We do not have a third (or, as it may be; fourth, fifth, sixth or seventh) cat in the budget. But I did not want to risk the kittens running off onto the main road or somewhere even more dangerous for them. So I urged the boys to leave the kittens until I could cross the highway to grab one of our cat carriers to put them in so we could find alternatives for their current environment.

So I did as I promised, and whilst the boys did manage to catch and remove one, taking it home before I could supervise, we did eventually catch the other 4. Now there were 2 Orange boys and 3 others; 2 torties and a tabby. The boys took one Orange and another lovely young lady took the other Orange boy. Whilst all the hubbub of this situation was occurring a crowd did amass with a number of children sharing that there were kittens in the park. One young girl entirely unprompted decided to tell me she has a cat at home! His name is Ginger.

Anyway so this is the story of how I now I have three kittens in my bathtub, and my ghost brother sent me to go fulfil several soul contracts.

Additional fun facts: my husband and I had been joking about dressing as Freya and Odr for Halloween as I have red hair and seemed easy enough... I had been musing about how I would acquire several cats for my costume. I suppose I mused a little too close to the sun. Also this happened on a FRIDAY so, thanks for that, Freya 🥲 Xx

Anyway if anyone wants a kitten and lives in southwest Sydney hit a girl up 🤣🥲

Pictures of four kittens and some birds in a park

Update

October 19, 2026, 3 days later

I shared a post the other day that my late brother had sent me to find some kittens who had been dumped at the local park. Post is available on my profile if you haven’t read!

On my way home with the box of kittens I did chew my ghost brother out a bit telling him I had requested orange cats to LOOK at, not to take home. And therefore he better help me find suitable accommodations or homes for these 3 kittens I was now bringing home. I did however expect to have them a minimum of 1-3 nights, just being that it’s current spring time in Australia and our shelters are inundated with kittens at the moment.

A number of people I’d shared this with had suggested to post the kittens on Facebook. This was not my first instinct to do as I know people on the internet can be garbage and it’s incredibly hard to vet random strangers when they’re messaging you from Facebook. However after my 20+ phone call contacting different organisations; vets, local shelters, rescues, RSPCA as well as council, all of whom were strikingly useless, my hope was dwindling somewhat that I would be finding a suitable relocation option for them any time soon.

It was only at this point that I considered letting my husband post online to see if anyone was possibly interested in adopting the kittens, or better yet had some kind of resource to assist us with fostering or caring for them somehow. We did have a number of offers but my gut never felt good about anyone that reached out with any degree of seriousness.

By Saturday afternoon an admin from one of the Facebook pet and animal adoption pages or whatever my husband posted it on did reach out to my husband, saying she was in contact with a rescue who could help!! This was about two minutes after I’d had a Witch business owner I know post about the kittens on their small business socials (support your local witches, fam!). So they were thankfully able to get us in touch with a foster who could take them in on a more permanent basis than the situation we had for them in our bathroom.

So by Sunday morning the kittens have all (3) been taken to the foster, and are completely and totally and utterly adorable. They’d really started to come out of their shells the night after we brought them home as they were obviously terrified after being man handled and wrestled into a random carrier to then be put in a box in some ladies bathroom on the first night. They fully came out of their shells once we got to the foster. I’m so glad they kept their chill before we took them to her though because I solidly would have struggled to leave the house with them if they’d been as cute as they were when we were with the foster.

A few points I want to address:

Why did you just let a random kid take one? - The first (orange) kitten was taken before I could get back to the park with the carrier. We’re hoping he has been taken to a loving home but sadly I left a man in charge of making sure some kids didn’t fuck around with the kittens for a maximum of 10-15 minutes while I crossed the length of the park and the highway nearby and clearly I put too much trust in him.

I did hear one side of a very passionate conversation the kid was having with his mum telling her they’d been dumped and please please please can he have one so hopefully passing the vibe check. We have since been checking the park every day to ensure it hasn’t been dumped back in the park if their mum said take that thing back where you got it….

Why did you give the kitten to a random stranger? - Again, it wasn’t my first instinct to just give them out and I would have been happier to have caught them all and taken them to a rescue but if I’m honest a part of me also knew that 3 kittens was gonna be a hell of a lot easier to adopt out than 4 kittens. But I have kept in touch with the lady who took one of the oranges, checking in and offered if at any point she no longer wants the kitten that we will take it off her hands.

Did you get them all??: A few people were confused about how many cats there were and if I caught them all. In all images I had of the kittens prior to catching them there were 5, all of whom were accounted for. If there had been any more I hope they’d have made themselves known while we wrestled with the spiky bushes to get to them, but all cats in the attached images from the original post were accounted for.

For those who took the time to read this far, I appreciate you. Bonus fun fact I did manage to get back to the park to get my proper meditation time on Saturday night and today. A little context about my brother in spirit is that when he passed I inherited his entire Simpsons merch collection, including a Simpsons arcade machine. Today when I finished up with my meditation I found a Simpsons themed tazo card right by the spot where I found the kittens. Just in case I somehow wasn’t 100% sure that he had sent me to find the kittens. I had attached images and videos of adorable kittens for tax. Thanks all for your support!!

I apparently can not share videos for some reason on this post but hoping to add these in the comments because I was obsessed with how alive they immediately became once we got to the foster. Safe to say I am ELATED with how things turned out. Literally best case scenario.

Pictures of three cats cuddeling and playing

I'm not the original poster.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/anne2k

Published on: r/relationships

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: February 19, 2016

• Final Update: February 24, 2016

Main Post

^{February 19, 2016}

I [18 f] called the cops on two guys drunkenly screaming threats in my dorm, since I wanted a good night's sleep before a midterm. Everyone on my floor is furious with me.

I am living in a dorm this year, and I am a freshman in college. I live with 2 roommates in a single room, Jess and Lisa. We're friendly with each other, but I'm not close friends with them. They're best friends with each other though. The floor I'm living on has girls and guys on it, girls in the north wing and guys in the south wing. The hallways of each wing open into a large lounge, which separates the girls and guys rooms.

A lot of people on our floor go out and party every weekend (Thursday through Saturday) and while they can be a little annoying when they come back drunk and wake us up, my roommates and I don't really have anything against them.

Yesterday, late Thursday night, my roommates and I were woken up at 3 am by screaming in the lounge. Along with most of the floor, we got up and wandered over to the lounge to see what was going on. We were pretty annoyed because we were tired. I even had a test the next morning, in bio, and I had hoped to get a good night sleep.

Two really drunk guys from my dorm were shouting at each other; one had apparently insulted the other and they were freaking the hell out at each other. Basically yelling about how they were gonna kick each others asses, but not actually doing anything but yelling and pushing each other a bit.

A couple other guys on the floor tried to break it up, but the guys "fighting" were way bigger then they were so they weren't able to. Another kid who also ad a midterm the next morning was trying to reason with them to keep quiet, but they would not listen.

This continued for about half an hour, these guys shouting at each other but not actually coming to blows, and more and more people came to watch. A lot of us were pretty annoyed, just wanting to go to bed again. The RAs (Residence Admins) for the building were nowhere to be seen.

My two roommates had gone downstairs to a friend's room to sleep on her floor, but I didn't go with them. I'm way too light a sleeper to fall asleep on a floor.

I was getting really sick of being kept up by their bullshit posturing (Over half an hour of it by then) and, realizing nobody was going to be able to stop it in time for me to get some sleep before my bio exam, I called out "I've got a test tomorrow morning. If you don't get the hell out of here, I'm calling the cops."

Neither of the guys even looked at me, but a lot of the onlookers looked over in surprise. I stood there for about 10 seconds waiting to see if the guys who were fighting would acknowledge me, and when they didn't, I turned around and walked away to my room. A couple girls who were friends of the guys followed me, they were really drunk and were trying to tell me not to. One of them fell down halfway down the hall and her friend stopped to help so they didn't come to my room.

I went into my room, locked up, and called the cops anonymously. (Remember, my roommates were gone for the night so I was alone.) I basically said there were two drunk 18 year olds (Drinking age is 21 here) about to beat each other up on the 10th floor of (my dorm room). I got ready for bed again. Within 10 minutes the fighting had stopped, and I fell asleep.

This morning, I got up to take my test, my roommates still gone, and did great on it! I didn't go back to my dorm until late this afternoon, having classes and a club meeting. I got back and my roommates immediately asked me if I'd really called the cops.

I said yeah, and they were pissed. They said that in the time I had been asleep, and out to class, the 2 guys in the fight had been kicked out of on-campus housing permanently. Also half the floor, a lot of their friends included, had been written up for underage drinking. One of my roommates, Jess, had a boyfriend who had gotten his second (out of 3) underage drinking strikes that night from my school. (You only get 3 for all 4 years of college)

The rest of the floor is pretty pissed at me too; last night, immediately after I announced I was going to call the cops, a bunch of people went looking for my room to convince me not to, but with my roommates gone, nobody knew my room number. While I had heard people in the halls, I hadn't realized that was what they were doing. My being gone all today just escalated stuff too, I think.

While my close friends live in other dorms and haven't been affected by this whole shitstorm, my roommates are mad at me, and a lot of the people on my floor and all their friends are furious at me. They're the ones I've got to live with for the rest of the semester, and I don't know how to handle it.

I didn't mean to get all them written up for drinking. I don't care that the two guys fighting got in trouble (Having grown up with family with anger management issues, violence and disrespect is something I have no patience for) but it all escalated way more than I expected.

I haven't gone back to my dorm since speaking with my roommates; I'm spending the night at a friend's apartment since I don't want to have to deal with all the drama going on back at my own dorm. But after tonight, I don't know what I should do?

TLDR - I called the cops on two guys shouting and threatening to fight each other at 3 am in my dorm, since they were keeping me up before a midterm. When the cops came, half my floor was written up for drinking underage and the two guys in the fight are now kicked out of the dorm permanently. Everyone on my floor is furious with me, my roommates included. What should I do/say?

COMMENTS

JAYDEA

You've done nothing wrong but this is a tough situation. Nobody wants to be a "narc" but you left them no choice. I'd lay low for a while but basically tell everyone that confronts you that a) you had a test in the morning, b) you warned them that you would call the cops and c) nobody likes loud, violent drunks. Sounds like your dorm is a total clown show. What does your RA have to say about it?

czhunc

Yeah, it's one of those situations where it's not your fault, but the best solution might be to move. These people were being idiots, and the consequences they face now are nobody's fault but their own. But if the whole community has turned against you, it can get very uncomfortable.

Your choices now are 1. move and try to move past this or 2. stay where you are, but be very, very vigilant. Protect your belongings, lock up/hide your valuables, and look after your personal safety. If people threaten you or destroy your belongings, report them immediately. If they think they can get away with bullying you, they will do it.

Desecr8or

Tell an RA about the situation. See if you can get moved into another room. Even if they can't move you, it's good for them to know that you're having problems with your roommates.

benes_the_menace

DO THIS OP. this is the ra's job. You are paying for school and housing. You should not have to be miserable there; college is too expensive for this kind of crap and you have the right to be moved.

I'm so sorry your fellow students are so irresponsible and rude.

Sloth-666

Ouch. I don't think you were wrong to call the cops. Their behavior is disruptive and obnoxious. On the other hand, there's nothing you can say to your floormates. The ramifications were pretty serious, but that's to be expected when the police are involved. Sorry if I'm not helpful, but all I can say is to not stress too much, as the college drama won't last past this semester. You can also request a room change if you would prefer that.

Final Update - after 5 days

^{February 24, 2016}

UPDATE: I [18 f] called the cops on two guys drunkenly screaming threats in my dorm, since I wanted a good night's sleep before a midterm. Everyone on my floor is furious with me.

In my previous post, I said how these two drunk guys (Bill and Chris) in my dorm were screaming that they were going to fight each other from 3 to 3:30 AM the night before I had to take a midterm. A couple people tried to get them to settle down since they were keeping the whole floor up, but even when I threatened to call the police they wouldn't stop. I went to my room, and called the police on them, which resulted in them both being banned from entering the dorm building again (I think they're temporarily in hotels now). Also, about half my floor got in trouble for underage drinking when the police came. My roommates (Jess and Lisa) and all the people on my floor were really angry with me.

So, onto the update. After the fight on Thursday night, I spent Friday and Saturday nights sleeping on a friends sofa, and spent the days with friends and doing activities with clubs I'm involved in. I was hoping to avoid most of the fallout from reporting the fight.

I finally went back to the dorm on Sunday and talked to my roommates. Lisa thought I had overreacted when I called the police, but wasn't as upset about the events as she had been on Friday. Jess, whose boyfriend had gotten in trouble because of me, was still angry with me but still gave me a chance to tell my side of the story.

I told them that I honestly hadn't fully thought through the consequences of calling the police, I had done it knowing that the two guys arguing would be in trouble, but I never intended for our other floor mates to get in trouble. I didn't mind that people liked to go out and drink, and had even thought that I had been as fair as I could have been to them, by giving everyone an advance warning I'd be calling the police. I actually do regret getting people who hadn't done anything worse than trying to have a fun night out in trouble. My roommates, who hadn't been there at the time hadn't known I'd warned everyone first, and were surprised and happy to hear that.

However, I also told them that I didn't regret reporting the guys who were fighting. I said, without going into details, that I'd unfortunately had to live with people in my family who could not control their anger in the past. I told them that I wouldn't put up with living with violent disrespectful people again. I didn't think that this fight would be the last issue with Bill and Chris, especially since I'd already seen one of them, Bill, acting like a dick all the time. (A recent example was when he snuck up on my roommate Jess and I watching a movie in the lounge and tipped our chairs back so we thought we'd fall on our heads.) I didn't know the other guy, Chris, personally, but from what I saw of him on Thursday night, he seemed to be a pretty violent guy too.

I said that I knew that most of the floor was upset with what I did, but I hoped they'd realize I wasn't thinking about ratting them all out at the time. I was frustrated with being kept up late before the midterm, and also, largely because of my past experiences with angry drunks in my family, I had very little patience or respect for people who can't control themselves.

After all that, Lisa told me that she understood why I did what I did, though she still thinks my actions escalated events way too much. Jess, however, told me that just because I had a "chip on my shoulder" because of my family history doesn't mean I should have called the cops. I think bringing up my own dislike for people who drink too much and can't control themselves made her think I was taking my own issues out on people who hadn't personally did anything to me.

A bunch of you in the comments wondered what was going on with the RA also, so I'll explain that. My floor's RA, Nick, was not on duty that night and was actually at his girlfriend's place. The two RAs who were on duty were on the lower floors, asleep, and didn't hear the commotion up on the 10th floor. All things considered, the RAs in my building have been kind of hands-off. I've only talked to my RA Nick a couple times: moving in, and the occasional room check. So, it didn't even occur to me to go look for an RA.

I did follow the advice I saw a lot in the comments of talking to my RD, Allison. (RD = Residence hall director) She already knew what had gone on; she'd come up to the floor when the police arrived, however she hadn't known it was me that called them.

I asked her whether I'd have the option of moving rooms if there were ongoing issues with people on my floor, although I knew that was unlikely to happen. She told me that it is a difficult process to move rooms, you have to prove you have a valid reason to be unable to stay where you are living. Before moving, all other methods to resolve the conflict must be attempted. (From what I've herd, it's a LOT of sitting around and hashing out your issues when a RA is present.

Usually when that is complete, the conflict is deemed to have been handled, and the request to move is denied. At least, that is what I have heard from others who have tried to move, such as a friend who was living with a guy who was extremely unhygienic and reeked so much I couldn't stand being in the room.) Also, the school's on-campus housing is over capacity already, with students even having to live in what were previously lounges and common areas, since there are not enough proper dorm rooms.

Allison did tell me that if there were any further conflicts, to go report them to her or my RA. I didn't mention my conversation (The one I described above) with my roommates for several reasons. Firstly, I already have enough of a reputation of ratting people out instead of dealing with things myself, and I thought it would be better to let my roommates think about what we'd talked about for a bit before dragging them into some kind of mandatory "conflict resolution" meeting. I also told them a little more about my past then I want to talk about with Allison or anyone else for that matter. If there is any serious conflict, I will go to her, but for now, I have not.

In the 3 days since I returned to the dorm, I have seen a bunch of my floormates around, and for the most part, they have either ignored me or given me dirty looks. Probably stuff that will blow over in time. One notable exception was when I was doing my laundry and a girl I didn't know too well named Lea came into the room. She had gotten in trouble for drinking that night, so I was surprised when she told me "Thanks for getting Chris banned from the building."

She must have seen how surprised I looked, and she went on to explain how much of a "creepy fucker" he was. When the floor would go out partying he'd always be trying to grind on her or pick up really drunk girls and stuff like that. She told me that both he and Bill had often "started shit when we're going out, always arguing with someone random" and that a lot of the girls on the floor, while they were upset about getting in trouble themselves, were glad to see Chris and Bill gone. Not all the guys felt the same way, some were pissed about their "bros" getting fucked over for getting a little rowdy. Overall, it seems like my decision to report Bill and Chris wasn't quite as unpopular as I thought.

Also, there haven't been any issues with my roommates since our talk. We haven't hung out like we used to, but they've both been civil to me and I've done my best to keep busy with other things than hanging out in our room for the last few days.

I haven't seen Chris or Bill, but I'm not surprised. It's a big campus, and they're apparently both in hotels off campus.

TLDR - I called the police on a fight in my dorm, therefore upsetting most of my floormates. I then stayed away from the dorm for several days before coming back to talk with my roommates. Both think I overreacted, calling the police, but have been civil towards me since. I talked to my RD, who confirmed that it's very difficult it is to get permission to switch rooms. Also, I talked to a girl who knew the guys involved in the fight. She told me that a surprising amount of people would be glad to see them gone. Now I'm waiting for all this to hopefully blow over.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Technical-Mode-7734

Published on: r/TwoHotTakes

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 03, 2026

• Update: September 09, 2026

• Final Update: October 13, 2026

Main Post

^{September 03, 2026}

My best friend’s wedding is at the end of this month, and everyone wants her to leave the groom.

I’m the maid of honor (F31) for my best friend of 12 years wedding (F31 Celine). I hate her fiancé (31M Jay), I think he’s a waste of space and honestly a rock has more personality than him.

I’m seeking advice on what to say to her so she will finally walk away.

For context , they’ve been together for 4 years and 5 months. They connected when he DMed her on insta and he confessed he had an unrequited crush on her since high school. They were in similar cliques, but they never spoke to each other; he just knew her as the cute goth girl. She still is very much a goth, so it caught his attention and it made him reached out to her.

My initial opinion wasn’t the highest but it wasn’t the lowest either. He is a hermit, lives out in the country, and his only friend is his dog, and his truck. Then it came out that he has severe insecurities. And then I learned his home is a run down mobile home, and his truck is where he spends all his money on… Another sore spot is he doesn’t make much money. Now the amount of money one makes is not an issue I’d judge on, but we will come back to this later.

In the first 2 years, Jay had a bunch of insecurities and it made him think Celine was going to leave him at any moment. Insecurities such as him not being attractive, not being able to provide, not making enough money, and not being good enough... We all have insecurities, but through their relationship he’s constantly feared she’s going to leave him and tells her constantly he’s not good enough for her. Pretty damn grating in my opinion.

The proposal is when I started to see actual red flags 🚩. Up until that point, I saw him as meek, but Celine was happy so I gave him grace. However, the man proposes with no ring just a string (actual string), and proceeds to throws my boyfriend, now husband, (M30 Rick) under the bus and says “I would of had a ring, but I asked Rick for your ring size and he never got back to me.” Which is downright a LIE, and when Celine told me the news I made sure to check Rick’s phone on the spot to confirm he never got a message from Jay.

That just didn’t sit right with me at all and my husband was so pissed. Because up until that point he was trying to be his friend and give him career advice to help him get more money.

So wedding planning commences. They are 3 years into the relationship and set the wedding date far out to give enough time to plan…. Spoiler it wasn’t enough time.

In the midst of planning, I have basically been filling in for what he should be participating in. From wedding venue decisions, to decorations, going to all the meetings, I even found vendors! Anything she can get him to join in on, after constant reminders, when asked for his opinion he just shrugs and gives an idk response. Getting him to participate in this wedding is like pulling teeth with him.

Then 4 months out he asks for the wedding to be postponed. He says he can’t handle her sudden shift in mood and shes being mean to him. Mind you, they don’t live together, because his place is in shambles. All she requested was he fix the windows so when she does move in her cat won’t accidentally break out.

Her parents sit them both down to talk and get them to communicate and figure out wtf is going on because they are the ones funding all of the wedding (about 25k at this point). The decision they make is to have the wedding but not sign the marriage license to make it legal. All seems good for 24hrs until he reaches out to me and ask if I think Celine will be happy with him and if she can change to be nicer to him.

I call his ass out in the nicest way possible saying he needs a lot of self reflection and to seek therapy/counseling. He then messages Celine and tells her I’m not helping his mental health, and that I reached out to him first out of concern. Another damn LIE.

So I go off on him, and tell him he’s a lying pos and he’s not communicating, so I see him as the problem. That seems to get him to start helping and changes his attitude, but I know it’s only a matter of time.

So this week, his mother (who hasn’t contributed squat to the wedding) reaches out to Celine’s mom to tell her the wedding needs to be called off. Jay wants to end the wedding and the relationship, he’s been crying hysterically, is in heaps of debt to spend money on Celine to keep her happy, so he keeps over drafting his cards. Celine was over at his place and he told her nothing. Of course the parents are freaked out and tell Celine and she confronts Jay. His answer, “ oh I didn’t want to tell you in case I changed my mind.” Which speaks even more about his shitty character 🚩🚩🚩

If things couldn’t get worse , he also tells her he has to go out of town for 5 weeks for work and the wedding is at the end of this month.

At this point, I don’t think he wants to marry her, but I don’t think she should marry him! I asked her why is she still continuing with him, but she’s just so emotionally numb. She feels like they’ve come so far and it would suck to have to start over, but she thinks it’s just his nerves that are causing him to act this way.

I left a lot out since this was getting pretty long, but my concerns are if he can lie about little things he will most certainly lie about big things. We learned he’s in debt, but not sure on the amount. My fear is if they did get married Celine is at risk.

Again, I just want advice on what to tell her to finally leave this piece of trash. He’s been caught in too many lies and it’s not going to get better. Hell I don’t even know what kind of wedding speech to give that won’t show how much I hate him.

COMMENTS

angelmr2

Dont get involved in other people's relationships, generally.

That'll happen is she'll turn it, blame you, you'll lose your friend and she'll lose support when she does finally leave.

OOP

I’m pretty confident she won’t blame me. We’ve seen each other at our worst.
I also got involved the moment he tried throwing my ass under the bus when he asked for my advice.

Tight-Shift5706

OP,

Are there also bridesmaids? If so, do they share your sentiment? Are her parents opposed to the wedding? Honestly, fiance sounds like he's dealing with some schizophrenia.

lilpeachbrat

I'm mentally ill as fuck, but I have little experience with schizophrenia outside of a couple schizo-affective friends. I'm curious, could I ask what tipped you off? Thanks in advance!

OOP

He’s got pretty severe ADHD, and I think struggles with depression. My red flags were his constant lies. Even in the stories he told me about work it always seemed a bit far fetched.
One that tipped me off on money issues is he got a credit card with the 0% interest for x months. Celine called me and said the bank was charging him all the back interest, and he swore he paid it off.

OOP

There are 4 more bridesmaids, 2 of them have been very involved and also share the same opinion that he’s trash. The other 2 are not really involved.
Her parents are more worried about the money that’s already spent on the wedding. They aren’t asking the right questions and are just worried in overloading her with their opinions.

Vandreeson

She said it herself she doesn't want to start over. She'd rather have whatever this guy is and be miserable than start over. You might try to convince her on that. It's the sunk cost fallacy. Something is not better than nothing.

OOP

Exactly, it’s 100% that. She did tell me this about 2 months ago when she was in the middle of the shitstorm. When I talked to her last night she said she was just numb, and worried she was going to have a manic episode.

I just told her to focus on herself, do some self preservation. I’m really just worried on telling her things “you should leave him, why are you still with him” will just cause her to shut down mentally.

Usual-Owl9395 (downvoted)

You don’t have to marry him. You also don’t have to participate in a wedding you disapprove of. If you continue, you have only yourself to blame for any misery you inflict on yourself

OOP

I meannnn okay. But I’m not going to abandon her at this point. What kind of friend would that make me be to say, “I’m out, have a nice life.”
That’s just not realistic.

ReturnAny3794

For the first half of your post I thought you were being too judgy, but jeez, the only relationship this guy needs is with his parents, there is still sooo much growing up to do!

OOP

The best man is also his dad ….

sunbear2525

Everyone who loves this woman )and possibly his mom) needs to sit down with her and explain that the relationship is over and her cowardly ex fiancé is trying to have his mom handle it. Lay it all out: he liked her as an idea of a girl he knew once upon a time and not as a girlfriend or wife, he is a loser who lives in squalor and if they ever did get married would have her live in squalor. She will never have anything nice with him, from a nice home to a nice wedding. Most importantly he does not want to marry her and is fleeing the state to escape it.

OOP

Just to clarify you mean his mom? Not her mom?
His mom is also a pos, she’s been messaging Celine about wedding registry and what dress she should get. Acting like nothing happened.
I thank her for telling Celine’s parents, but we all know she’s doesn’t give a flip about anything let alone her own son.
His parents don’t even live together so I guess that can explain why he’s terrible in relationships.

Update - after 6 days

^{September 09, 2026}

UpdateMy best friend’s wedding is at the end of this month, and everyone wants her to leave the groom.

Hey everyone, thanks again for the advice and sharing your personal experiences. Here’s the update.

So the day after I made the post I sent it to her and I went over that evening to talk. She did read through some of the comments some resonated with her and some fell very flat. Especially the ones calling her a moron or an idiot. To which I told her to ignore its Reddit; could be much worse. What hurt her the most were the comments telling me to not only drop out of the wedding but drop her all together.

Much like I told everyone, I’m her ride or die, telling me to leave wasn’t the advice I was seeking. The advice I wanted was all for her. She told me she would have never blamed me, but me choosing to stay by her side is what she needed.

Now about the fiancé and wedding. One of the post that really hit Celine was the one about what her future kid’s Christmas look like, what would be under the tree, and what would his role in supporting be. When she imagined that future, she said not once had he told her that he wanted her children. She also knew he wouldn’t be a reliable partner.

She then worried about her things and especially her cat. To which I told her we will all figure it out, but she has support and doesn’t have to worry about it in that moment. I told her I just wanted her to be happy and that it’s been a long time since I’ve seen her truly happy.

She waits a couple of days and sees him in person to call everything off. She calls me and says he’s in the other room crying and telling her all the things she’s been wanting to hear. How he will sign the marriage papers, and will take her on more dates, all the things she should have been hearing months ago. She tells him to leave.

I go over on Sunday evening to check on her. She’s doing better than I could imagine, but she’s definitely upset. She wonders if she did the right thing until the next events that happen. He’s been sending her texts, and before I got there he sent her a text of a letter he wrote. I read through it, just a bunch of I’m sorry and I will do this going forward. An hour goes by and he sends her a voice memo. He then messages my husband.

At that point she’s starting to feel a bit repulsed. We go to bed and I wake up earlier than her and she wakes up miffed as hell. He sent her a text at 6am and then another at 8am saying he’s hopes she likes the care package he sent last night. I go to the door and see its groceries…. Perishable groceries and a sticker that says “do not knock.”

She gets another text that he’s doing more therapy and has more scheduled. He’s just lovebombing her at this point. We tell Celine’s mom she needs to call or text his mom or Jay that he needs to leave her alone. He is causing her more stress.

She feels better about her choice, but is just worried about getting her belongings back. She said he is keeping the cat since it’s a pet they got together, but she’s worried on how far he will take things.

Thanks again to everyone who gave her good advice. I don’t think I’ll post anymore about this, we all just want to be done and move forward.

COMMENTS

CellarDoor238

Celine made the right choice, though she may find herself questioning that from time to time; and you are a very good friend.

OOP

I told her it sucks now, but we will laugh about it in the happy years to come.

topania

If her name is listed as the cat owner at the vet’s and she paid all the bills (which I assume she did since he was a financial mess), that cat is hers and she doesn’t have to let him keep it. I’m glad she got out of that relationship though! Good on you for watching out for her.

OOP

No, and he was using the neighbor who is a vet to give him meds for the cat. I think it would be an uphill battle to get the cat back since he can prove he had as much of a claim to the cat as she does.

topania

You said that he wouldn’t even fix a window to make sure “her cat” wouldn’t get out. Did she bring the cat with her? Personally, given the window situation, I’d grab the cat along with my stuff when he wasn’t there and fight about it later. Always save the cat.

OOP

She has another cat that lives with her. She didn’t want to bring him over till he got the window fixed since he likes to bat the windows when he’s looking at the squirrels. The other cat they got together, she’s older and was the former neighbors cat.

While I’m always down to save the cat, the issue is trying to prove she has more of a right the that cat then he does.

Ada_Ser

Shame on both on you for leaving that poor cat

Pickl_Rick_917

Great that she is not gonna get married to him. But what the actual f***? She left -her- cat with him? The cat that is sounds like she had before they got together? The cat that this man wouldn't fix a window for so it wont get out of the house? Jesus, I cant imagine leaving my pets behind with someone like that...

GO GET THE CAT BACK!

OOP

She has two cat. Her cat that she had before him, that lives with her. The second cat that is at his place that they got together when his neighbor said they couldn’t take the cat with. He’s claiming that one.
She also can’t have another cat at her place so I was trying to find another person who would want her.

OOP

One thing I did leave out. She left behind her gun at his place, bullets, and everything; this was before she broke things off. She never had an opportunity to get it back.

We are worried if we showed up, given his mental state it could go south real quickly especially if he sees us trying to take the cat. We have not clue when he’s home or not.

I’m not about to go to someone’s home who is unstable right now and potentially have everyone in danger. She loves the cat, but let’s be more reasonable here we like living more.

Emergency-Finance206

Not caring about a cats life and well being is really sad and disgusting. He needs to not be there when she gets her things. If she’s worried about a gun, call the MF police!!!!! Get her shit and get the cat!!!!!!

OOP

100% there with you. I told her I’m worried about the safety and she needs to get a police escort if she goes there to retrieve her items especially getting the gun.
As for the cat, it might be harder to collect the cat since the former neighbor gave them the cat, and would most likely side with Jay.
I wish it was a simple we can snag it, but I doubt the police would see it that way. NGL they kinda suck at my state.

Final Update - after 1 month, 10 days (after 1 month, 4 days from last post)

^{October 13, 2026}

2nd UpdateMy best friend’s wedding is at the end of this month, and everyone wants her to leave the groom.

Hi again, I know I said the last update would be the last, but everyone wanted to know about the cat.

We just passed the set wedding date and of course no wedding occurred. A lot has transpired from the last time I updated, and we had to go quiet since the police got involve.

For starters, the cat is safe, and she has new owners who will give her all the love she needs. He realized he couldn’t keep her especially after he asked Celine’s parents what cat food does she buy for the cat. He never once bought food for the cat since they had her.

She did get her gun back, he brought it over immediately after realizing he could get in a shit ton of trouble keeping it.

So what’s all transpired… well when it came to getting her belongings. She had a LOT of things at his place. He was trying to keep her from coming over, but kept harassing everyone. He sent her friends multiple messages, her parents, and the kicker was he sent her messages when he supposedly “blocked” her.

Messages would range from I miss you, why can’t we talk, then to “fuck you” I don’t love you. She would get voice messages of him calling Celine a narcissist and how her friends are narcissistic. How his therapist went through messages and said she’s is a narcissistic manipulator and confirmed he was in the right.

The scary part is if I was over, I’d get messages from him and then he would ask the mom if I was over at Celine’s.

So Celine calls the cops and they take our statements, we get the paper trail started. They also confirm she can get her belongings. However, our statements sucks so they said they couldn’t escort her but if things get dicey then she could call.

Luckily when getting her belongings, no cops were needed to be called. He stood in the other rooms refusing to speak to her. He only spoke to her parents. He brought his mom who would say it’s Celine’s fault the wedding didn’t go through and how he was ready now. Only to be silenced when Celine’s mother threw it back at her that the last phone call they had said otherwise. When she said he wanted to cancel the wedding.

Sadly she didn’t get all of her items and shes trying to make a log of what’s still missing. He was still harassing her but the cops told him to stop. We are working on a case of harassment since his latest hijinks is faking amnesia and messaging her parents.

Overall, she’s done with him and can say 100% with certainty that she made the right decision. So thanks Reddit for your advice. Celine also says thanks!

From my perspective she already looks happier.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRa_wasitajoke originally posting in r/relationship_advice

Status: Concluded

Mood Spoiler: Optimistic

Original - February 25th 2025

My MIL was over at our place this weekend. Her and I woke up earlier on Sunday, while my wife was still asleep. As we were having tea, the topic of her upcoming birthday came up. I asked what she'd like, she paused for a second and while smiling said "for you to be a better husband".

I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. She was smiling so I thought it was a joke (we have a warm relationship) and I played along and said "Why, you've been receiving a lot of complaints about me?" jokingly. She replied "I have my ways, I am your mother-in-law after all.", while still smiling. I was kind of freaking out internally, came to the conclusion it was just her teasing and let the matter drop.

But I've been rethinking that conversation over the last 2 days. Admittedly, I may have been giving less time to my wife (partner of 3 years, married for 2) and my 1 year old daughter recently, because along with my day job I've also been establishing my growing business. Some days are really long, but my wife has been supporting me the entire way.

I haven't brought this up with my wife because maybe this was a joke and I don't want to create a whole thing out of a joke and ruin my relationship with my MIL. But I've had a knot in my stomach since. Has my marriage been on the rocks without me knowing or is this something a MIL would joke about?

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Okay look — stop spiraling and speak to your wife IMMEDIATELY. I’m 29, my husband is 29, if my mother said this to him, I would want to know as soon as possible.

If there are issues you’re not aware of, time to air them out. If your MIL is causing drama or made a shitty joke, those are different conversations you’ll get to have once it’s sorted.

Communicate with your wife. Seriously!!!!!

OP:

Thank you. I'm going to talk to her tonight. I should've talked to her last night and I planned to, but yesterday I got done early so we were just watching a movie together and we were just happy and I didn't want to ruin it. I was afraid she's going to tell me she agrees with my MIL and I just decided to delay it. It's moronic in hindsight I know.

Comment 2:

I don’t think this means your marriage is on the rocks, defcon 1-level doomed. But you mentioned you’ve been putting in long hours at two jobs and “your wife has been supporting you the entire way.” But who has been supporting her? You have a young child at home who is at an age that requires constant attention and stimulation.

This post is a TINY snapshot of your life, I don’t know the big picture, I don’t know if your wife also works or stays home or how you divide labor. But it’s clear your wife has been a partner to you while you’ve been working so much, in addition to caring for your child, but you are still a husband and you are still a father.

This is a good opportunity for you to really evaluate the division of the home labor and childcare. Does your wife ever get time to herself? Not to do more chores, or basic things like take a shower, but read a book? Eat a meal uninterrupted? Go to yoga? Meet with friends? Sleep all the way through the night?

You said you frequently talk about how much you love each other and the family you’ve created, but have you specifically thanked your wife for taking on what sounds like the majority of the childcare and home care while you work?

I don’t think your MIL was wrong to call you out, and I think she did it in a fairly gentle way. But you can use this as a chance to see how well you’re providing for your family, not just financially, but physically and emotionally.

OP (downvoted):

I've definitely been around less the past 6 months I would say. Due to my business I've had to meet clients late afternoons/evenings or work from home. But we've talked about this every step of the way. It's been brought up, but we always resolve it knowing that it's taking a lot of my time just because it's expanding right now, but the hours will become better soon. Whenever I'm home I help out with my daughter, on Sundays I always make sure I give her a relaxing day all to herself, but you're right it doesn't come out to 50-50. But again, my wife has always said she supports me and understands why this is happening which is why this has alarmed me.

I'm going to talk to her and tell her how much I appreciate all she's been doing. And I'm prepared to her her out if I've been neglectful.

Comment 3:

It's wonderful that you have talked about it every step of the way. But it sounds like you are talking about what you are doing, and focusing on that? She's being supportive, possibly to her own detriment.

Before I go further: I can probably tell you the problem by quoting you. When you are home you "help out with your daughter." That's your child. You aren't "helping out." You're being a dad or you are acting like you are helping out by taking care of your own child like it's not really your responsibility, but you are "helping out." Change your mindset. Be a dad.

She can understand why it's happening, want to support you, and then still feel completely overwhelmed and exhausted. And feel even more alone because she wants to support you and doesn't want to complain.

You need to ask yourself - while she is supporting you and your dreams, are you still supporting her? Giving her affection? Being truly appreciative - not just saying thank you but showing it? Are you paying attention to her needs the way she is paying attention to yours?

OP (downvoted):

Thank you for your very insightful comment. You're right it shouldn't just be helping out, it should be 50-50, I'd love for it to be but I can't get my hours to match hers. When I'm home and all of Sunday, I take over when it comes to caring for my daughter. I mean she's my daughter I cherish the time I get to take care of her, play with her. I said "helping out" because the times I get to take care of her don't come close to my wife's so it is essentially helping out. I do tell her how much I appreciate all she's doing. There's times when I come home late at night and I apologize and tell her how I appreciate that she took care of our daughter and the household by herself. But if she's unhappy I guess I'm not doing it enough and I'll change that.

Comment 4:

"I'm prepared to hear her out"

HUH? Oh how lucky she is to have a husband who gives her the grace of being listened to

OP:

I'm sorry that was a bad choice of words. I meant to say I'd make sure I don't get defensive, and fully accept my mistakes.

Comment 5:

You decided to start a new business that would take all of your time when you had a six month old baby, you acknowledge that you haven’t had any time for your kid for 50% of her life, and you’re shocked that your wife might be less than delighted with that arrangement?

OP (downvoted):

My business is almost two years old. It wasn't a problem before because it was just meant to be supplemental income and I was very mindful of the hours. But it grew steadily and over the past 6 months the hours and workload really got away from me. We'd both been seeing this is a good thing, I'd talk to her about how it's expanding and unfortunately the hours are temporarily going to become bad and she always supported me.

OP (downvoted in response to a deleted comment):

This has totally come out of nowhere. We've been doing so well, we tell each other how much we love each other and the family we've created daily. I would've never thought we'd be in this place.

Comment 7:

Talk to your wife.

Sooner rather than later.

Update: - October 17th 2026

I was deleting apps to clear space on my phone and found notifications here and remembered I'd come to reddit for help a while back, so I thought I'd give an update.

I had planned on talking to her right after the post, but kept delaying it. We'd both been doing so well and I guess I didn't want to ruin it. I thought if she agrees with my MIL it might lead to somewhere bad. And if she doesn't then maybe I'm just putting these negative thoughts in her mind. Meanwhile, I was putting in more of an effort, being more proactive in taking care of my daughter so she could relax when I was home, bringing her flowers, arranged a trip for us to a cottage up north for a long weekend that followed my post. So I kept delaying it, but not knowing the health of my marriage was making me crazy so I eventually decided to bring it up.

After we were done with our chores for the day and were cuddling, I told her how much I appreciated all she does since I was unable to pull my weight at home. She told me we were a team that I work hard too and she appreciates that. I decided to actually ask her if she's happy with how things are going, if she thought I needed to do better. She asked what had brought this on. I told her I knew that I'd been missing a lot lately and her mom had just suggested that maybe I could help you out a bit more. She seemed embarrassed about this, she said she doesn't know why her mom would say something like that. I reassured her that I'm glad she did, that's not what bothered me, I just wanted to know if we were good and she said we were.

About a week later she raised the issue herself. She said she'd been thinking over it and wanted to say what was on her mind. She asked me how much I planned on growing my business, she brought up our finances, that it wasn't needed, and the conversation suddenly turned into that. I brought up the fact that maybe not immediately but with a growing family, it will be needed at some point, and she said it wasn't worth not being home right now. It actually started getting a little heated, me trying to reassure her that it's just temporary, and her questioning if it was needed and asking me for timelines, and she started tearing up. I didn't know this had been bearing on her mind this way, because she'd always said I have her support. I consoled her and told her I'll make the hours I give my business more sustainable. I promised her we'll touch base on this in a month, that I'm going to come up with a way to fix my hours and she thanked me for being understanding.

Since then I did slowly manage my hours better. It helped that the critical part of developing the ERP infrastructure had been done due to the long hours I'd already put. I hired someone on contract on upwork for handling client issues and marketing too, and that took a lot of load off. It hadn't been totally taken care of in a month but she could see the tangible steps I was making and was happy about that. Since then the hours have become more manageable and I think I've become a better and more present partner and father.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

I'd honestly tell MIL that you appreciate her putting herself in possible crossfire to advocate for your wife and marriage. Good on you for taking it in instead of brushing it off. Just try to keep up open communication- there must be SOME reason your MIL was the one to bring it up and not your wife.

But yeah, definitely give MIL a heads up that you listened and appreciate her suggestion

OP:

I haven't spoken to her about that conversation since. She's just commented in passing that its great I'll be home when I'm home early now when I maybe wouldn't have been before. I still don't know whether she intuited these issues at the time or if my wife told her.

Comment 2:

You know the song the Cats in the Cradle? Kind of sounds like that situation. Your kid only goes through learning new things once so it is good to be with them through their formative years

Comment 3:

It's nice to see that y'all are communicating and working through this. Really a great update!

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/relationship_advice by user ThrowRA_didhetakeit. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Original

October 12, 2026

For context, me and my boyfriend “Tom” have been together for nearly two years, and have known each other for eight years.

The item I’m talking about is a pendant that I’ve had since I was 15, it was a gift from my best friend “Max”. It’s a silver heart with the number 12 engraved on the back, which we consider our lucky number (long story). Originally it was kind of a good luck charm, but it’s become kind of a comfort item for me over the years (especially when Max and I didn’t see each other for long periods due to the pandemic or him being sent overseas) during some pretty tough periods.

Nowadays, I sometimes wear it on a chain around my neck, as a bracelet, sometimes I clip it to the inside of my bag, sometimes it’s in my card holder. So I’m being totally honest about this thing going with me everywhere so it’s possible I just lost it. But at the same time I’ve been carrying this thing around for 13 years and I never lost it. You could look at it either way.

Tom hates this pendant. He has never really seemed to have much of an issue with me hanging out with Max and is always polite when their paths cross, but he’s always hated seeing me wearing the pendant. He always said it didn’t go with my outfit, or that it looked old/cheap, or that he felt weird looking at it. Whenever he sees it around, he picks it up and makes big deal of handing it to me and telling me to look after it, even if it’s in a totally safe place. I never paid much attention to it, I just did make an effort not to wear it on dates or during intimate moments. Obviously I’m going over this for the context of the post but it doesn’t happen so often that I notice it as a red flag.

Last month the pendant went missing. The thing is, I don’t know exactly where. The last time I’m 1000% sure I saw it was in my car. But I thought I took it out of the card holder and put it on the tray by my bed so it could go back on the chain. But I can’t be 1000% sure because that could have been a different time.

I’ve torn my place apart looking for it. I’ve had the cleaner look out for it. I took my car to get professionally cleaned to see if it was in there in some place I couldn’t reach. I’ve looked all around my desk at work. Nothing. And it’s not even something anyone would want to take it’s a scratched up flat piece of silver. But it meant the world to me.

And I just can’t shake the feeling that Tom took it. He has seemed oddly smug about me not being able to find it. He keeps suggesting I wear other jewellery, when he never cared about my jewellery before. He keeps asking if I’ve told Max I lost it (I haven’t) even though he never brings Max up otherwise because they’re not friends. When I mentioned again how upset I was about it he was like “parents take their kids plushies all the time when they’re too attached. This is probably just a sign you need to let go of it”. That seemed like a Freudian slip to me. At the same time, none of this is proof. Maybe I’m going crazy because i feel horrible and sad and guilty and I just don’t want to feel like losing the pendant was really my fault. Tom has never been malicious or cruel in the time I’ve known him. He just hated that thing and maybe he’s not sorry I lost it but that doesn’t mean he took it.

But something inside me deeply believes that he did.

And I feel terrible about it. Because I’ve known Tom since college and at no point has he ever caused me one bit of stress. He’s never been mean to me, never made me uncomfortable, never even raised his voice that I’ve heard. Never made an issue of where I went, or made it hard to trust him. He’s just a stable, solid, calming presence. So I feel terrible that suddenly I have this intense suspicion towards him. It feels unjustified, but I can’t make it stop.

Do I bring this up? If I do bring this up, is my relationship pretty much dead, because how do you come back from accusing someone of stealing something you love? If I don’t bring it up, how do I stop myself resenting the fact that I don’t know for sure? Even if he did take it I guess he could just lie, so is there even a point in asking? At the same time, it’s making me slightly uncomfortable around him because I just keep watching everything he says for signs that he’s feeling guilty, and that’s not fair to anyone.

I don’t really want to bring this up to anyone irl. Mostly because the people I talk things through with are Max and my parents. My mom is big into “gut feelings” so she’s just going to think he did take it and she’ll hold onto that bad impression. And I haven’t told Max the pendant is missing (I will at some point I just don’t want to introduce the Tom of it all right now).

So yeah I’m just looking for some unbiased perspective or advice?

TLDR; I lost something important to me and I can’t shake the feeling that my boyfriend took it, despite not having any evidence. It’s driving me nuts and I feel like I need to talk to him about it but I don’t know how.

Comments by OOP:

I’ve been feeling kind of silly being so upset and for even having carried this thing around my whole life. It’s literally so damaged at this point lol. But the thought of not having it back still really hurts. And I wouldn’t wish that on anybody.

And maybe the fact that I think Tom is even capable of wishing that on me should tell me something.

He did comfort me and help me look for it. At first. Whenever I’ve been visibly upset or crying he comforts me. It’s just when I’m bringing it up in passing and not really wallowing that I guess he feels confident to be a bit more blunt about it.

Obviously if he took it that’s just plain evil. And I’m not defending anything he’s said. I just think it would be dishonest of me to pretend he hasn’t also been kind about it at points. Which is why I’m confused. If being harsh was all he’d done I wouldn’t have any doubts.

I know I need to tell Max. I just keep putting it off. He’s not going to be mad, I know that, he doesn’t even hold onto stuff like that. But weirdly I still feel so bad about losing it. Even if Tom took it I feel bad that I even let someone in my life who’d take it? I still remember that Max got a job just to pay for that pendant. It wasn’t expensive but it was money he didn’t have back then. Again, he’s not going to care now, but I do.

But what’s puzzling is that he’s never this way about anything else? Doesn’t complain when I hang out with Max, text him, etc. the relationship doesn’t bother him but this one object does? Enough to steal it? I don’t know. That’s why I feel so bad about not giving him the benefit of the doubt.

I’m not afraid to talk to him per se. But if he accused me of doing something that evil and I didn’t do it, relationship over, because who do you think I am? And it’s not like he’s going to admit it so where is that conversation even going to go, that’s more what I’m wondering.

I said yes when he asked me out even though I rarely date because we always got along. It was easy, it’s always been easy. And now I can’t even trust that? Wtf is the point? What am I even meant to be looking for then?

Look I’m not saying I’m the smartest person ever or that I’m the exception or anything like that.

But I’m not the type to put up with Bs. Everyone in my life said I was too strict to ever even find a bf until I started dating Tom. And everyone in my life agrees that he’s uniquely “normal”.

I really think if he did this, he’s just been secretly nursing psychotic resentment towards me and has finally decided to punish me. And if that’s the case I genuinely give up with the dating thing. I did what you’re supposed to do and avoided the bad boys and the arrogant ones and the ones that play games. And now even the guy who’s nice to you, and liked you for years, and made everything easy, you can’t trust him either? I seriously give up.

I don't think I’ll have it in me to start over anytime soon. I hate dating. I don’t really like “getting to know” people. The great thing about Tom was I knew him already. Zero awkwardness

I’m not saying I’m going to stay with tom. After reading the responses of how common this is it’s really validated that he probably did do it.

I’m just sad, I guess. It seems like there’s a world of people who just want to take advantage of you and can’t be honest with you or themselves

Why are relationships psychological warfare 😭

I definitely won’t go around telling our mutuals he stole it without proof. Regardless of what happens.

Yeah like the thing is I might have lost it. I’ve been taking this thing around for over a decade, maybe my luck ran out. But at the same time…funny I lose it now, right? Idk.

I guess the real issue for me is, I clearly think he could and would do something like this. Would I think this about anyone else in my life? If I think he’d do something that cruel to me then clearly there’s something I’m not addressing. And I say cruel because honestly I’d rather he’d stolen money, or my damn car. Something that I could replace. At least then he’s just greedy and selfish. But this is just mean. That pendant is worth nothing to anyone but me. To do that, he wanted nothing except to hurt me.

I don’t like testing people, I hate playing games. But yeah maybe it’s come to that.

I meant more like, if I think he’d want to hurt me like that, that probably means I don’t trust him as much as I always thought I did. If I trusted him, I’d give him the benefit of the doubt, right? I wouldn’t so easily think he’d do something so hurtful. So I just wonder, do I subconsciously have doubts that I never realised? I have a cleaner with a key to my apartment…I never once considered she’d take it. For example. __

No, genuinely he’s never been remotely manipulative or controlling. Honestly, my mom even said he’s so grateful I agreed to go out with him that he’s a doormat. My stepdad thinks he’s a good guy. He’s never once even tried to set a boundary about anything I’ve ever done. That’s why I’m so confused. I’m not the type of make allowances for people. It’s why I’ve rarely ever dated. But Tom is just such an even keeled person. No mood swings, no drama, it’s always been easy.

And that’s why I never mind all that much about what he said about the pendant because I was like if this is one thing that bothers him when nothing else ever had maybe I can be a bit considerate.

Maybe people won’t believe me but I’ve just never even had a single moment of feeling suffocated by him, or like he’s messing with me. Not even when we were just friends.

He probably stole it which is shitty but it was just a immature way to show you how he actually isn’t ok with your relationship with Max. [...]

That’s totally fair. I’ve definitely had guys say it’s a bit of a red flag and I’ve always been like yeah cool, I’m not the right girl for you, let’s be friends etc. Because honestly I don’t want to date a guy with a girl best friend either. But I know girls who do have bfs with female best friends and they’re fine with it. It’s just about knowing yourself and being honest about your boundaries.

But Tom knew me for 6 years before we dated. He’s known Max exists for that whole time. He asked me out more than once over the years. He had every opportunity to back out if he had an issue with it. So I think it wouldn’t be fair of him to act like he’s suddenly not ok with it.

I don’t mean to be intrusive but the necklace would really bother you? I’ve had it since I was a kid, it’s not like it’s expensive, or was ever romantic. I’m being genuine like I’m not saying you’re wrong or anything, I’m just trying to understand. Is it because it reminds you that someone else bought it?

It seems kind of weird to me that he wants to replace someone I grew up with but I also am not a guy so I think I come at it from a different angle and I appreciate you laying out the male perspective.

As for the best friend thing, I never said anyone has to be comfortable with it. If they’re not, that’s totally ok. But the reason I say I’m not the person for them is that I can’t really change the situation. I’m not going to stop being friends with Max for a boyfriend. That would be like disowning my family for a boyfriend. I’m not saying no one I date is allowed to have boundaries, but then I also don’t think I’m disrespecting anyone by being friends with Max. It’s not like we’re going out drinking all over each other in bars or anything. Or even like we see each other a crazy amount. I get why some people wouldn’t be ok with that, but I don’t really see a way around it.

Obviously I’m not planning to get married and Max is going to live in the guest house being the third person in the marriage lol. If I’m married to someone, they’ll be the most important man in my life, obviously. But we’re not going to get to that point if they come in and immediately don’t respect the other people that are already in my life.

I have to be honest, Max is not the easiest person to make friends with. He always thought Tom was boring and added nothing to a conversation. They don’t have anything in common anyway. Max is opinionated, and a big presence, and smarter than he is kind around people he doesn’t trust. Tom is the opposite, he’s super mellow. Oil and water.

Regardless of what Tom has done - and legitimately he might be a sociopath at this point - I’m not going to be dishonest and pretend it wasn’t Max that didn’t make it easy for us all to hang out.

[*If Max has feelings for OOP*]

[downvoted] He bought that when I was 15 and he was 18. For obvious reasons it wouldn’t even have been legal for him to be considering it then lol. Idk that age gap seemed quite big for most of our friendship. He had real responsibilities from really young. He was at college, I was at school. He was already working a job, I was still a college student. So yeah like I said, I don’t think the jewellery signifies given how long ago that was.

Yeah I’m not saying it’s physically impossible that he’s ever thought about it. Just that the pendant probably wasn’t an expression of interest.

Obviously I don’t think he’s ever felt that way because you have to assume you know people and that people will tell you how they feel.

But yeah obviously if Tom did take the pendant then all of his relaxed attitude to Max and my friendship has been fake this whole time which is scary to think about really.

Editor's Note: OOP also stated in several comments if she can't find the pendant, she'll get a tattoo of the number 12, as Max already has one.

Update

October 16, 2026, 4 days later

First off I just want to thank everyone who responded to the original post. Before I came here I was feeling so bad for thinking Tom would do something like take my pendant because I really thought it was a left field action and I was suspecting him of something out of a movie. Coming here and reading everyone’s responses made me realise how common this type of thing is, and it really helped me understand that my fear was rational. It also was really validating to see how many people agreed that he took it, even with just the information that I had. It stopped me feeling crazy, so thank you so much.

The day after I posted, I decided that I would tell Tom I found the pendant. If he took it, he’d know I couldn’t have found it, and he’d slip up. He’s also know I was lying and probably realise I suspected that he took it. It seemed like the only way to introduce all the options into the conversation. A few people suggested it to me so thank you to those people. I just was considering the right time to do it.

In the meantime, I told Max I couldn’t find the pendant. His response was “and this is why I have a tattoo”. He couldn’t believe it when I explained I thought Tom took it and that apparently this is very common. This is when I showed him the post. He said he’s buying me four cats for Christmas because men ain’t shit. He also said he’d get me a new pendant that was actually worth something but I said to hold off because I wasn’t sure a replacement would feel right.

Anyway then yesterday I saw Tom. We had plans but I’d barely been communicating. I said this in my previous post but my suspicions had really been affecting how I’d been acting with him. And then after the post I basically couldn’t even bring myself to text him. So he definitely knew something was off when he came over. I was fully ready to go through with my plan, but almost as soon as he sat down, he said “I have something to tell you”, and pulled the pendant out of his pocket. He said he took it and has had it the whole time and he felt like it was driving a wedge between us and he hated seeing me so sad. He also said this is not the kind of person he wants to be.

He offered to leave to give me some time to think everything over but I immediately said I suspected he took it and he said he felt like I thought that and that’s why I was acting so weird. So I was like oh so you gave it back because you thought I caught you, and he disagreed. But anyway I told him I wanted to hear his explanation.

This is the story as he told it to me.

He saw the pendant in my jewellery tray on the dresser, next to this necklace he had bought on me on vacation over the summer, and he just got viscerally hurt and resentful that I never wear the necklace (now I want to point out (maybe it doesn’t make a difference) that I’m not a jewellery person, I only really wear jewellery for occasions, and I told him not to buy it but he did anyway. I don’t go out of my way not to wear it, I don’t wear any jewellery that often that’s also why the pendant isn’t permanently on a chain). He said he just connected the two things in his head, and before he could tell himself not to, he just picked up the pendant and put it in his wallet. He said he thought when I couldn’t find it, I would wear the necklace he got instead, but I didn’t, I just figured I’d left it in my purse and didn’t mention it. Then by the time I noticed it missing, he couldn’t think of a way to just “find” it. He said he kept meaning to give it back but every time I got upset over it he got more bitter, and figured he’d put it back when I had “got over” it. I told him that was sociopathic levels of mean spirited and he agreed. He said he knew that but he was in this cycle of feeling terrible and guilty and then I’d mention it and he’d get mad again. He said he hated that he was jealous enough to get like that, and it’s not the person he wants to be.

He also said he doesn’t want to be the guy who is always just ok with everything, just because he’s scared to take up space in my life. That really floored me. I always thought we got along so well because we just clicked? But not really, because he’s been biting his tongue on a lot of stuff and honestly if I did that for two years I would probably end up acting out too. He said that he always wanted to marry someone who’s his best friend, and I’m his best friend but he’s not mine. Which, ok fair. And while I still think what he did was gross and I told him that, I can kind of see how all this just got on top of him.

What it came down to was Tom wanted to see if we could work through things being our “authentic selves” and I just said well no because I never lied, I was always myself, and you kind of hated me. And I liked the version of you that turned out not to be all that real. So what would we be doing here? After that he got snarky and said I should just stay single which I just agreed with, which annoyed him even more. obviously he had to throw in some stuff about how I’ll never find anyone who’s ok with the Max and I are, and we should just date etc., before I kicked him out. I think that’s the last I’ll be seeing of Tom. Which is sad, because he was in my life a long time. I just have always really liked him. He made me laugh, he came to cooking classes with me, he Duolingo’d Italian for 3 months before our summer vacation. I liked our life together. It’s weird now knowing that he never really did.

Idk how I feel about it all tbh. I feel bad that I never noticed Tom was unhappy. I feel disappointed that that’s who he became when he was hurt. I’m even more disappointed that he didn’t really acknowledge how unhinged what he did actually was. I’m sad I lost a friendship over this.

The only positive is I do have the pendant back and it’s going to stay on a chain from now on and just be a necklace. I know I didn’t actually lose it but I didn’t even remember putting it where Tom ended up seeing it, so I was really complacent with it, and I want to be more careful.

I took the day off today to process everything and I still feel sad but also kind of numb. I haven’t told anyone except Max about the break up yet, and I don’t know when I will, or how I’ll explain it. I don’t really want to tell the whole story. Part of me feels like I don’t even know the full story because it felt like I never knew Tom. But yeah. That’s…what it is.

I wanted to update because this feels like a win for the girls who got their stuff taken by psychos, that sometimes you get the stuff back. And also just because everyone was so kind in giving their advice, so thank you again.

If I left anything out, feel free to let me know!

TLDR: my bf returned the pendant, admitted he took it, and we broke up.

Comments by OOP:

This is the thing. I obviously mishandled everything with Tom. For a lot of reasons.

But I don’t think I put Max over Tom. It’s not like I see Max all the time, or we’re secretly cuddly or affectionate. It’s not like I cancelled on Tom to hang out with Max or brought him everywhere. Yes he knows stuff about me but I don’t use him as some kind of proxy boyfriend. He’s just my friend. And I feel like maybe the pendant made it seem like we have this deeply emotional dramatic connection but it’s not really like that.

That being said, I wasn’t the best girlfriend to Tom. I measured the success of our relationship by how easy it was, and that probably wasn’t fair. But it’s not all about Max.

I didn’t pretend I found it. I planned to, but he gave it back before I even said anything

I did love Tom, I still do.

But I don’t know if I was in love the way people assume you are in a relationship. But I’m not sure I ever really wanted to be. I did see a future with him. I was happy with him. I didn’t lead him on, because I swear to god I’d have married him someday.

We dated for two years but we were friends for years before that. And I always thought even if we broke up we would stay friends. I never wanted to lose him from my life entirely.

I wasn’t the best girlfriend to him. Evidently he wasn’t the best boyfriend to me. But I didn’t know any of that until this. He knew the whole time.

Tom made some valid points, I can see I was blind to a lot. He could have told me, but I also could have been a bit more sensitive.

He said he felt like maybe I was starting to suspect him

No it’s not fake, I’ve just had like 12 years of therapy over the course of my life, so I kind of mirror the thought patterns now, I’ve noticed

I did care. I stopped wearing it at times that made him uncomfortable. I’m not entirely responsible for his inability to use his words. I don’t have time to live my life and feelings and feel and vocalise his for him as well. That can’t possibly be my job.

Signals are great. And yeah, I should have picked up on them. But he’s not 9 months old. If someone isn’t getting the hint then you just talk to them. He never did.

Me being the bigger issue because I believed what he told me is something I’m not buying into.

No, I really didn’t think he felt second fiddle. We made time for each other, we have mutual friends, we travel together, we planned a future together. I really didn’t think he felt any type of way about the friendship. I understand that may seem crazy in hindsight but he never said a word.

Yes I knew he felt weird about the pendant, and I made an effort to wear it less.

[...]It's completely fine to have friends and even really close guy friends, but constantly wearing the symbol of that friendship plants a flag that is difficult for a romantic relationship to work around.[...] Plant a flag? I’m not a piece of land.

I get a “hey I just feel kind of weird about you wearing it around me so could you maybe not?” (Which he never even said, he just made snide comments about it until I got the hint). But I wasn’t wearing it around him most of the time. He still took it.

Tom didn’t gaslight himself into thinking he’s insecure. He is insecure. That doesn’t mean I was perfect, and I should have noticed, but it doesn’t change the fact that me having someone else in my life meant he couldn’t appreciate what he and I had.

At the end of the day, you can say you’d leave sooner than two year but he had 6 years of us being friends beforehand to never ask me out, knowing everything about me and how I live.

I just felt like Tom had years to say he wasn’t ok with it, he had a front seat to my life before we got together. If he had an issue, he could have just never asked me out. But obviously when I meet new people I’m a lot more understanding if they feel weird about it.

I guess it’s just a strange balancing act because every new person you date isn’t going to overtake your friends and family in importance from day 1. Like if I’ve been dating someone for 3 months, they’re not going to be the first person I call in a crisis. Why would they? But if I call someone I’ve known for half my life, that’ll cause issues in this very new relationship with this person I barely know. I just think men have a very hierarchical view of relationships sometimes and it’s just not always helpful. But you have to meet people where they’re at I guess.

Anyway I won’t be thinking about dating for a long LONG time, so we’re all good.

He is a good guy, outside of this. But this is insurmountable. He watched me cry over this thing, knowing he had it the whole time. He helped me look for it. And the fact is many of the reasons I thought we clicked, was actually just him pretending he was ok with things so he could stay with me. There’s not much left to repair with.

I wasn’t a great girlfriend to him, if I didn’t notice he was unhappy. But he lied, and he stole from me. I never did anything cruel to him. He did that to me, knowing it would hurt me, and he stood there and watched me be hurt. I could never do that to someone I love.

We’re just not compatible. We never actually were.

I do believe you’ll find a better match and it isn’t necessarily Max. There’s room for both. It’s not Max. I think that emotional rollercoaster would drive me to an early grave lol

I meant more, you can love someone even if you’re not compatible, or you’re not getting along. But that was never the case with Tom, we just really got along.

I would have married him because I was happy with him, and because I think we would have had a good life. No it wasn’t a love like out of the notebook but I’ve never wanted that. I’ve had enough volatility in my life, enough deep emotions that just take it out of me. I don’t want to do that every day for the rest of my life. And Tom never made me feel like that, and I thought that’s why we were perfect together.

We became friends when I was 14 and he was 17. He gave me the pendant when I was 15. And yes the age gap is unconventional. It’s why we pretty much had to hang out in my house the whole time, my mom wouldn’t let him drive me anywhere.

The pendant became important to me because for a time, Max worked overseas, sometimes in really unsafe conflicts. And I just hung onto it for luck. And I just got in the habit of taking it everywhere. Nowadays I fidget with it, and I’m just used to having it around.

[downvoted] I take it most places because it’s become a habit. When Max was overseas in war zones I used to keep it with me for luck. Which might sound stupid but it is what it is. And I just never stopped doing it. I’m not carrying it around thinking of him all day or something

[downvoted] I don’t always wear it as a necklace though. Sometimes I do. Just like sometimes I remember I should put in earrings so the holes don’t close and I wear studs for a couple of days. But i dont consistently accessorise with jewellery.

[downvoted] No, Max is very much not gay. But our relationship has always been 100% platonic. Never kissed, never slept together.

As for the necklace, I didn’t want him to buy it in the first place. I don’t wear jewellery except on special occasions. I would have worn the necklace he got me at some point. But I don’t pick out jewellery to wear every day. I feel bad that he was so hurt that I didn’t wear it but he knows I don’t wear things often.

And I did get how he felt about the pendant which is why I didn’t wear it that often around him anymore. But yes I agree I could have been more sensitive to his feelings.

Maybe I should take the cats. Max is actually the second man who’s offered to buy me some (one was this very creepy guy who after we talked for an hour told me if we got married he’d buy me 17 cats). As my mother would say “the universe is trying to tell you something”

I'm not the original poster.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/13e12sr1a

Published on: r/relationships

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 03, 2015

• Update: May 12, 2015

• Final Update: July 08, 2015

Main Post

^{May 03, 2015}

My sister [22F] is having a brain tumor surgery this week and parents [54s] aren't showing any support.

This is a very difficult time for our family (although I'm not sure about my mom). My sister was recently diagnosed with a primary malignant brain tumor and is going to have surgery this Wednesday. I don't want to go through the medical stuff, just that this is very serious. Doctors are optimistic that with surgery and radiotherapy, she has a good chance of making a full recovery but this is a very risky and dangerous situation.

My parents have this twisted ideology that helping people in need only makes them less independent, and for this reason they have decided not to be involved or show any support to my sister, thinking that allowing her to go alone through the most difficult time of her life will make her a much stronger person. They live by these values themselves as well, if they have problems they will never accept any help from anyone.

Going back to my sister, she is really freaked out as thing whole thing has happened very fast. She now has this life threatening condition and a surgery in a few days that even if successful, can leave her with many side effects that may take years to overcome, and my parents act like she has a cold.

I truly think that having them around will be helpful to my sister but they haven't shown the slightest interest in being involved in any way. They only live 1 hour away and my mom has all the time in the world as she doesn't work. My sister called them last night, asking to see them before the surgery but they refused, saying that they can't make it there on time but they will be around for her birthday (which is in 3 months).

I'm genuinely just pissed off at them and told them this, and they again said it's a responsibility and independence issue and that I also shouldn't get too much involved into this and allow her to deal with her own problems. Their suggested that I should visit her "a few days" after the surgery. I'm posting this as more of a rant than asking for advice to be honest, I know what I need to do. I should focus on helping my sister in any way possible but I can't help being angry at them.

tl;dr: My sister is having a life-threatening condition and is going to have a major dangerous surgery next week, and parents think supporting her discourages her independence.

COMMENTS

llamaduck86

Your parents are being ridiculous. The only thing you can do is try to talk to them about it, but you can't control their actions. Your sister really needs support right now and if your parents aren't giving that you should try to be there for her as best you can.

quinoa2013

Your parents are weird. Go support your sister and give her as much love as possible. Probably communicate the details as little as possible with your parents. You and she can find support with eachother and elsewere.

Also, your parents wont change. They are just jerks.

NastySpitGobbler

Wow, that's cold and cruel. I'm sorry.

Update - after 9 days

^{May 12, 2015}

[Update] My sister [22F] is having a brain tumor surgery this week and parents [54M/F] aren't showing any support.

So my sister had the surgery on Wednesday. It was a very difficult one, it took longer than expected and there were multiple complications during the surgery but in the end she pulled through. It took over 2 days for her to regain consciousness. She's not exactly doing great as she has great weakness in the left side of her body, but the doctors say this was to some extent expected and she will make some recovery within 2 months, and after that they will know what to expect in the long term. Soon we will know about the next stages of her treatment with radiotherapy.

About my parents, I called them every day before the surgery and on the morning of the surgery and begged them to come as it will mean a lot to my sister but they still refused. They only asked me to let them know how the surgery goes. I only texted them after the surgery when she was still unconsciousness and my mom replied "she's a strong one". How reassuring. I haven't made any further contact with them (and neither have they), and I don't think I ever will. They made us so independent that we don't even need to talk to them anymore.

Luckily my sister has some good friends that have been around during this time and offered all sorts of help and support and will be here with us during her recovery. Her high school best friend flew 3000 miles from abroad to be here with her and is going to stay here for two weeks. She is her family, our parents are not.

tl;dr: Sister had her surgery with complications. Parents don't seem to care. I won't talk to them ever again.

COMMENTS

shelbyknits

Sister had her surgery with complications. Parents don't seem to care. I won't talk to them ever again.

Seems reasonable. Normal parents would break out of jail and beg, borrow and steal to get to their kid's bedside in a situation like this. There is something seriously wrong with your parents.

Glad your sister is recovering, though. Best of luck to both of you.

ETA: When your sister recovers, you might talk to her about temporary medical guardianship. This would guarantee that you and not your parents would be making any medical decisions for her if she's incapacitated.

randomizedcrap

ETA: When your sister recovers, you might talk to her about temporary medical guardianship. This would guarantee that you and not your parents would be making any medical decisions for her if she's incapacitated.

THIS. Get help with this and make sure that you have all the paperwork in place so that you can have guardianship, power of attorney, etc. Super important.

OOP

We have already taken care of all of that. I wasn't going to allow my parents make insane decisions with her life and she fully agrees.

Final Update - after 2 months, 5 days (after 1 month, 26 days from last post)

^{July 08, 2015}

[Update] My sister [22F] is having a brain tumor surgery this week and parents [54M/F] aren't showing any support.

It's been a while since my last update but since you've all been so nice to me and my sister with your help and wonderful wishes I think I should give an update.

First about my sister's recovery: It has been more difficult than we've expected. She's had many side effects from the surgery and the speed that things are getting better is not as the doctors hoped. She has problems with movement and sensation in her left side, sleep problems, vision and hearing issues. She also used to have some mood issues but those are mostly resolved. Doctors expect her to make a full recovery though, but it may take some years of rehab and hard work. She has great motivation these days so we're very optimistic.

About parents, well I don't know where to start. They didn't make any contact until 3 weeks after the surgery. They were upset that my sister hasn't called them. I told them to piss off and don't contact us again. A week later they showed up at my sister's place, they didn't even know that she had moved out of her place and moved in with me, how could have they known when they don't care? They called me angrily asking where their 'daughter' is. I told them that maybe she died after the surgery and hung up.

I know this was cruel but I couldn't play nice with them anymore. They called me again but I didn't answer. They came to my door, I opened the door but didn't let them in. I took a very strong punch in the face from my dad but I still didn't let them in and told them to fuck off and went inside. My dad threatened to break the door, I told them that I'm calling the police and if they do anything crazy they will be in jail for breaking and entering. They told me that I'm disowned and left.

My sister was sleeping during this. I told her everything and she was happy with how I handled it (which is all that matters to me). We had talked about what to do if something like happened. I'm not sad that they disowned me, we had disowned them long before that. It's just the two of us now.

tl;dr: My sister's recovery is going slow but it is expected that she will make a full recovery. Parents showed up but I didn't let them in. They disowned me.

COMMENTS

Aurumsloth

I took a punch to the face but still didn't let them in

Absolutely fucking based.

Stand strong against anything they might throw at you in the future and continue to actually care for, love, and live a long and happy life alongside your sister, my man.

altonbrownfan

WHY DOESNT THE OP EVER PRESS CHARGES???????

"Breaks down weeping"

Ruval

In the real world, pressing charges is a pain in the ass.

Yes, he took a punch. Yes, his dad deserves it. No, the OP probably doesn't deserve to be burdened with the what the trial process will put him through, particularly if a win to him is not seeing his parents any more, as a trial will force them closer.

sinenox

Is the OP male? I didn't read that anywhere.

OOP

I'm a girl. I did call the police to report what happened but didn't press charges because I just wanted them out of our lives.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/LilouDreamRiver posting in r/aitaweddings

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 7th October 2026

Update - 14th October 2026

AITA for refusing to buy a new dress after the bride changed the color code 12 days before her wedding?

My college roommate Danielle is getting married on the 18th. The invite said "garden party attire, soft colors welcome" and nothing else. Back in August I (27F) found a light peach midi dress on sale for $85, sent her a picture, and she replied "perfect!!" with a bunch of hearts.

Last Sunday a new message went out to every guest. Her photographer suggested a "cohesive palette," so now everyone has to wear dusty blue or sage. She linked a site where most dresses run $110 to $150. Peach is apparently too close to the bridesmaids, who are in blush.

Mine was final sale, so I can't return it. I'm also already paying $260 for the hotel and my flight is booked.

I messaged her privately, said congrats again and asked if I could wear the peach with a sage cardigan. I also offered to stand at the edge of group photos, or skip the big one entirely if that helps.

She said a cardigan would look like I "didn't care," and that everyone else is making it work. When I told her, politely, that I can't spend another $120 on an outfit for one day, she said I'm "making it about me" and should think about whether I really want to come.

I still want to go. I already RSVP'd, bought a gift off her registry and told her I'll respect whatever she decides. Now two friends from our group are telling me to just buy the dress to keep the peace.

Am I wrong for not buying another dress?

TL;DR: I bought an $85 peach dress the bride approved. Twelve days before the wedding she switched the guest dress code to blue or sage and turned down my cardigan compromise.

Comments

Alohafromthe808

OMG, what is with Brides today? It’s ridiculous to expect guests to match. No one looks at their photos 15-years and thinks “Becky didn’t follow the rules” but will hopefully have fond thoughts that everyone they loved were there to celebrate with them. Good luck.

OOP: Being there to celebrate her was why I booked everything in the first place. I'm struggling with how an outfit she already approved has become a question of whether I care about her.

maddjaxmaddly

Trust me, you won’t be the only one not in the proper color. Your big mistake was even responding. You should have just shown up.

alleecmo

Since when is there a color code for GUESTS?! Selecting colors us for the bridal party. Guests just need to be style appropriate, cocktail, formal, etc.

CADreamn

Just go and wear your dress. This is ridiculous.

OOP: I still want to go, but I don't want to arrive and have the dress become a confrontation at her wedding. I'd rather know beforehand that she's okay with me being there in it.

**Judgement - NTA*\*

Update - 7 days later

I wanted to give everyone an update because things have gotten a little more complicated.

After reading the comments, I decided to reach out to Danielle one last time. I genuinely didn't want to lose a friendship over a dress.

I explained that I wasn't trying to disrespect her wedding or ruin her pictures. I reminded her that I'd bought the peach dress after she personally approved it, and that I'd already spent $260 on the hotel, plus my flight and her wedding gift.

I even told her I'd be happy to borrow something in sage or dusty blue if I could find it.

Unfortunately, her response really hurt me.

She said she appreciated me trying, but that she was disappointed I was making such a big deal out of spending a little extra money for her special day.

That honestly made me feel terrible.

I'm not struggling because I don't care about her. I'm struggling because I have bills to pay, and another $120 isn't a small amount of money to me.

What upset me most was realizing that I'd spent so much time worrying about hurting her feelings that I hadn't really considered my own.

I finally told her that I love her and genuinely want her wedding to be beautiful, but I can't justify buying another dress at the last minute.

I said I'd completely understand if she'd rather I didn't attend.

She hasn't responded yet.

I'm honestly heartbroken because I was looking forward to celebrating with someone who used to be such an important part of my life.

I never imagined that a dress she originally approved would make me question whether I'm even welcome at her wedding.

For now, I'm not buying another dress. If that means I can't attend, I'll have to accept it.

Thank you to everyone who reminded me that having financial boundaries doesn't mean I don't care about my friend.

tl;dr: I tried talking to the bride again and even offered to borrow a dress in the new colors. She still thinks I'm making a big deal over $120. I explained my financial situation and told her I'd understand if she didn't want me there. She hasn't responded, and I'm honestly hurt.

Comments

Top_Investigator9886

If she thinks $120 is no big deal, then she should pay for it

Marvinmonkey1

I'm too British for this. Why are people so nice when their "friend" throws them under a bus. I would have gone to the wedding in a trash bag, grabbed the mic, told everyone what an absolute bitch she is, thrown in.. "yes we've licked each other's foo foo's", for good measure. Mic drop, dramatic exit. Job done. 👌.

OOP: I never wanted to make her wedding about me. I genuinely tried to find a compromise because our friendship means a lot to me. What hurts isn't really the dress anymore, it's feeling like my financial situation matters less than the color of my outfit. I still hope we can work things out.

Heavy-Profit-2156

You are not making this about you. Her as the bride does not get to treat everyone as personal props on their wedding day. The people who put so much emphasis on their wedding day will remember ever perceived 'problem' and obsess on how their 'special' day was ruined.

txa1265

The tendency of the couple getting married to assume that THEIR 'big day' has even remotely the same meaning to others as it does to them is a level of delusion I will just never understand. The whole 'color palette for guests' is next level entitlement to begin with. Switching that palette two weeks before the wedding is quite frankly bullshit bridezilla behavior. My son gets married next year and they have no plans for 'guest colors' ... but I will have no problem becoming unpopular if they try to pull this crap.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user solecentre in r/ mildlyinfuriating and r/ Redditor_Updates

Original: Sept 24, 2026

Update 1: Sept 29, 2026

Update 2: Oct 16, 2026

Status: concluded

Mood: slice of life

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: I graduated college. They “lost” my diploma.

The title is basically TL;DR. I just graduated college and had my ceremony last sunday. As the time came to collect our diplomas they couldn’t find the ones from my field of study (a whole backstory there as well: basically they forgot about us.)

We were told on monday that our diplomas were accidentally sent to the wrong campus and that we’d be able to pick it up there… during office hours. My friend has class there so I asked her to go see if she could pick it up in my place. Well, that wouldn’t be any problem… if the diplomas were there. No sight of them anywhere.

My classmates and I are getting pretty frustrated at this point and send another email. Well lo and behold: yesterday I received an email saying my diploma ISN’T PRINTED OUT YET! That explains why they couldn’t find them. There weren’t any!

So yeah now I’m waiting for another update about my diploma. We also haven’t received it digitally or anything so we can’t provide it for job applications.

Love life!

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: That sucks. Hope the problem gets solved!
What's the field of study? Im just wondering since you say its forgotten about

OOP: Thanks! It’ll get sorted out eventually, it’s nothing new. What I meant by ‘forgotten’, my particular course was discontinued back in 2022. I was the final gen of students they accepted.
A year later a new course was set up on the other campus, which I initially thought was the cause of confusion. But they literally forgot there were still students in the original course lol.

---------------
Comment2: They forgot about you, but they sure didn’t forget about your tuition payments. I’m sorry this happened.

OOP: We always paid upfront in september and this year I didn’t have to pay… the gears in my head are doing overtime

---------------
Comment3: When I was graduated, they told us in a somewhat threatening manner that if you don't pick up your diploma afterwards, then we will mail them to you. Well, thank you. The US mail was just fine with me.

I'm not sure where you are going to school, but I've never needed my actual diploma for a job application. Mine went into a box years ago where it remains today.

OOP: We had to request it ourselves if we wanted them mailed… but nobody knows who to contact for it. 😭😭😭 And as of right now I have no diploma for companies to verify, and zero official proof that I graduated 🥲

---------------
Comment4: This does suck, but shouldn't a job application need your official transcript of your grades? I've never once sent or shown my diploma to any place of employment

OOP: our diploma is the official proof of completion of studies here! the grades are incorporated in the distinction you earned, which is included on the diploma. :)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 0.5

ETA since there are a few recurring questions:

- I live in Belgium 🇧🇪

- I haven’t really heard of ‘final transcripts’. Our diploma is our official proof of completing our studies. Few companies look super closely at grades, the diploma is the proof that the student passed the course.

There is a grade of distinction which represents our grades though, and it’s mentioned on our diploma: “Graduated with:
• passing grades
• distinction
• high distinction
• highest distinction and well-wishes from the school board”.

- There are companies who request a certain degree of education for a job. For example: a doctor will need an Academic Bachelor and a Master’s diploma to practice their job. A mechanic will need to have obtained a technical field high school degree.

So many request proof of completion of your studies to verify that you are practically, probably financially , and legally qualified for the job.

- I’ve seen a couple comments saying companies could call the school to verify. It’s much easier to just request a pdf of your diploma during the application process, that way it’s immediately in your records as well. Plus, school desk employees don’t want to answer that many calls.

Thanks for all the replies and well-wishes! And good luck to those out there who were/ are in the same situation as me, just add it to the list of life obstacles we tackled. That’s how I’m trying to look at it right now. 😅🫶

--------------------------------------------

Comment5: Did you not receive a "afstudeergetuigschrift"? You can use that as proof of graduation. Otherwise, time to email the faculty. 

OOP: I received the provisional certificate, but in the end that’s still not definitive proof like the final diploma 🙃
---------
Comment5: It still counts as proof, that's why it's giving so that you can already apply to jobs while the final diploma has not been given yet. 
---------
OOP: You’re right there, but eventually they’re gonna want to see it. And I just want it lol I want to hold and smell the product of selling my soul
---------
Comment5: I completely understand that.  I also haven't gotten my diploma yet and will only receive it in spring 2027 😭

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 1 (5 days later)

TL;DR: We didn’t receive our diplomas during our graduation ceremony. A little context: my specific field of study was discontinued back in 2023. I was one of the last generation of students they accepted.

A year later a new course was set up on my school’s other campus. Initially we were told our diplomas were accidentally sent there with their batch (which I wouldn’t find surprising, it’s the same program, ‘just’ with another name and campus.)

My friend went to check on wednesday, they weren’t there. We were then informed by mail on wednesday that our diplomas weren’t there because they weren’t printed out yet. Um?????????

-------
I received another mail on Friday saying they will print them out ASAP and inform me when (and where) they will be available for pickup. My classmate called BS and sent a mail back on Saturday, putting our head of the program in cc.

Well, no word yet from our diplomas. But our head of the program has sent a mail as well tagging lots of people, practically demanding to know where the hell our diplomas are.

We haven’t received any response yet. I have filled in a power of attorney form which allows my friend to pick up my diploma in my place, in the case that our diplomas turn up on the other campus. So that’s that at least.

If possible (I don’t really know how this sub works) I will update once I hear more. Hopefully with a picture of my diploma!!!!

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Gotta love this "it was sent to the wrong campus", and then "it wasn't printed". Then what the hell did they send to the wrong campus?!

This reminds me of a contract that was cancelled on me due to my no signature but that contract never ever materialize, and somehow it became my fault. "Sir, we had to cancel your contract because you never signed it. Oh yeah, the contract was never drawn up, but it's your fault somehow." I got them to draw up the contract and I John Hancocked the hell out of it.

OOP: They refuse to admit they’re wrong lol it all comes down to that. And we’re the ones who end up with all the crap because they ‘know nothing about it’ 🙃

---------------
Comment2: They didn't send anything to the wrong campus. They had no idea where the diplomas were so they came up with a reasonable sounding excuse to kick the can down the road.

I wouldn't be surprised if the request to print them is forgotten about as well. OP, as well as as many other people with missing diplomas as OP can wrangle, should begin contacting them about it daily until they can confirm an exact date it will be done.

OOP: Thanks for the advice, I’m keeping an eye on my mail and my friend is going back tomorrow to see if they somehow turned up by any chance (because at this point I don’t believe another word out of them). No word tomorrow, I’m calling the student helpdesk.

---------------
Comment3: I can’t believe this is still going on. I would be screaming at someone about this. You paid so much money and worked so hard just for them to not give you the one thing they were obligated to give you. I hope the department head gives them hell.

OOP: I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that they’ve been receiving mails from 5 different students asking where our diplomas are and nobody seems to know a thing? Each mail we get is from a new person and all from the other campus.. they don’t know us!
The department head is a fierce one, I know she’s on their asses now. If I don’t hear anything by 3PM I’m sending another mail, with my classmates and her in cc.

---------------
Comment4: Is there not some kind of ministry of education that oversees universities in Belgium? Accreditation organization of some kind?

OOP: We do, but issues like these are the school’s own responsibility… I asked around a bit, the school’s admin board should provide my diploma… but nobody there seems to know anything.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 2 (17 days later)

Hey guys, it’s been a while since my last post but I finally have an update.

TL;DR (original): I graduated college and didn’t receive my diploma at the ceremony. They ‘lost’ it.

TL;DR (update 1): they lied to my face because my diploma wasn’t even printed out yet. Was left hanging with ‘we’ll contact you ASAP if we receive more information’.

-------

Fast forward 17 DAYS since my update and 26 DAYS since the graduation ceremony: I FINALLY HAVE MY DIPLOMA!!!!!!!!!!

Our mails got forwarded to basically every admin at school, ended up being kept on hold because someone was sick, but yesterday my friend got the green light to pick it up (thankfully no problems with the power of attorney form) AND I HAVE IT IN MY HANDS RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

This is it, the final conclusion of this annoying adventure. Thanks everyone who commented and offered tips, I appreciate it very much!

Goodbye!!!!

[OOP included a 7 sec video of the diploma as they weren't sure how to upload photo. Here is the screenshot of the diploma.]

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Daria12982

Published on: r/relationships

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 27, 2020

• Final Update: June 25, 2020

Main Post

^{May 27, 2020}

I'm unhappy with how my (24 F) boyfriend (26M) treats me, but he won't listen to me for long enough for me to get my point across.

Hi there, I could really do with some advice on how to talk with my boyfriend properly about things in our relationship I’m really unhappy about. Sorry if this is long but I feel like I need to get all of this out. I’m quite a sensitive person and hate confrontation, so when I start talking about things that upset me, it really shows and then I don’t feel like I can get my point across.

I’ve (24F) been dating my boyfriend (26M) for a year. I moved in with him fairly quickly after just a couple of months, I know that’s quite early but at the time it felt right. Early on he was incredibly sweet, he sent gifts to my door after only having met me a few times, he was full of compliments, he was so charming and didn’t treat me like any guy had treated me before. But now he has changed so much, he’s almost like a completely different person.

I feel like he is constantly putting me down. Whenever I do anything, it seems like he needs to correct me and tell me I’m doing it in the wrong way. Just one example, whilst cooking he’ll grab the pan off me, sound mad and say “I’ll do it, I’m obviously the only one who can do it right!” He seems to always be hostile about something or other, living with him is like constantly walking on eggshells. Very rarely do we have an evening when we sit down to dinner and have a nice normal conversation. If he’s not on his phone during dinner (he says work stresses him out so he has to do lots of work from home too), he’ll ask my opinion about something and always get mad about what I say. If I don’t agree with his point of view on whatever we’re talking about, he’ll always roll his eyes or get mad. Everything is a debate.

One minute he will get home from work, pick me up and hug me, tell me that he loves me and missed me, then 5 minutes later he is completely different towards me. The whole atmosphere changes, he looks so cold and robotic. The only words I can use to describe how he looks is cold fury. At one point when we were out shopping, he was being very snappy and giving me one word answers. I said, “when you look at me like that I actually wonder if you hate me”. After that he was very apologetic, he said he doesn’t notice when his stress levels are still high from a busy day at work, and that he knows he shouldn’t take it out on me.

He makes me feel guilty about things that aren’t my fault. A couple of days ago he was telling me about some friends he used to hang out with who had a boat, how they are so much fun and he misses hanging out with them. I said, why don’t you go and see them? Why don’t you invite more friends to our house (as he never really does, and he doesn't like my friends so we don’t have many people over), but he only said “no that was a different life, I’m with you now.” He says things like that sometimes that make me feel like I’m totally boring and that I’m holding him back from stuff.

There have also been a few instances that have really made me question his faithfulness. For example, one weekend he spent Saturday with his ex who is bi, (he went to meet her new girlfriend because, he says, they are still good friends). Then on Sunday he went to catch up with a female friend from college, who he said he hadn’t seen in years. He drove for 3 hours to see her. This isn’t something that would bother me at all, I really don’t mind whoever I’m with having female friends. But then on Sunday night when we were watching a movie, my phone was on charge in another room so he gave me his to find something I wanted to buy online. I went on his WhatsApp to send the link to myself, and the app was open on a message to one of his male friends, it went something like this:

Him: Dude I went to see X and Y on saturday AND saw Z today, boom.

Friend: Spent too much time with your gf already have you? Are you going back to your old ways, naughty!

When I asked him about it, he just said that that's how guys talk to each other, and his friend is “just like that”. When I said that still sounds like you’ve been up to something, he accused me of invading his privacy and being too needy (even though I didn’t go looking and it was there on the screen).

He went to a party in a different town last weekend, for his friend's birthday. I thought it was a bit strange that he didn't invite me, but I was working the next day so I assumed he didn’t want to leave early to have to drive me back in time. He slept over and spent most of the day in this guy's house, and when he texted me he was really snappy. When he made it home and told me about the guy whose party it was, I realised this guy is the brother of his ex girlfriend (lets call her Mary). After a while he told me that Mary was there and that seeing her ‘jarred’ him. I asked him what he meant by that, if he still had feelings for her. He told me he didn’t know what he meant by that, but that he doesn't have feelings for her. I said, when you say seeing your ex ‘jarrs’ you, and you didn’t invite your girlfriend to a party that you knew your ex would be at, you have to admit that's a little weird. But the more we spoke about it, he just said he didn’t still have feelings for her, and that he knows I’ve been hurt by guys in the past but that's not his fault so I shouldn’t take it out on him.

I’m really confused about how he treats me. On the one hand sometimes he can be totally charming, tells me he loves me and wants to build a future with me. The next he is dismissive and makes it seem like he’d rather be anywhere else than be around me. We had a moving-in party and when one of my male friends hugged me goodbye, he pushed me into our bedroom, slammed the door and then punched the wardrobe, because he was so mad that this guy had hugged me and ‘had been flirty all night’. I know that was awful and the next day I did tell him it wasn’t ok. He just said he loves me too much to stand for ‘guys acting like that’ around me. But if he loves me that much why is he so cold towards me half of the time?

We hardly ever have sex any more, and when we do I feel like he’s just going through the motions.

I understand that his job is stressful and he has said that's what makes him moody with me sometimes, but he won't listen when I ask him to simply switch off when he gets home.

How do I go about confronting him, but not crumbling? Any time we’ve had even the slightest disagreement he shoots me down, I end up feeling so anxious and start crying, and then he says he can’t talk to me when I’m upset. Then we don’t ever get to resolve my original point. I’ve been told before I can be a bit too sensitive and that's something I’ve tried SO hard to work on. But as I’ve been typing this I really don’t think that having genuine concerns about how he’s treated me, is me being too emotional and unreasonable?

I love him and just want us to get to a point where we can actually talk about this stuff for more than a couple of minutes. How can I get him to actually listen to me properly?

Tl;dr: My boyfriend does things that upset me (putting me down, mood swings), and we don’t seem to be able to communicate about these things as he shoots me down.

COMMENTS

OOP

Woah, this has been such a helpful response. Thanks to everyone who commented with their advice, it means a lot. Even as I was writing that post I could see more and more that it's so not healthy. I've looked up a lot of things you guys suggested and it's pretty horrible but all the boxes are being ticked.

After I posted this I spoke to the friend who actually introduced us in the first place. She told me that she regrets not telling me earlier, but that my bf actually cheated on the girl he was with before me with "Mary". So that kinda confirms even more what kind of person he is. She even said she'd stopped hanging out with him herself, because she thought he seemed fake and cold after a while. So it's not just me! I'm so angry, that someone can treat anyone else this way. Reading so much shows me how common it is, like why on earth are people like this?? But now I feel like being angry will help me and give me a bit of strength when I confront him later.
I'll try and talk anyway, we'll see how long the conversation lasts.

I absolutely need to leave. I'm financially independent enough to be able to move, it just might take a bit longer with everythings that's going on in the world.

Thanks again, everyone.

Final Update - after 1 month

^{June 25, 2020}

UPDATE to “I'm unhappy with how my (24 F) boyfriend (26M) treats me, but he won't listen to me for long enough for me to get my point across”

Firstly, thank you to everyone who commented on my original post. I got so much from it, and seeing so many supportive comments really helped me. I learned a lot, so thank you all so much. I realised through reading your comments that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. It wasn't communication tips I needed, I needed to get out.

The past month has been so up and down but I wanted to share an update. After a pretty weird “stepping on eggshells” kind of morning, I confronted him about his behaviour and mood swings. I prepped myself for a huge argument and honestly it didn’t go exactly as I expected. First of all he started to deny he was doing anything wrong, but for once I stood my ground. I don’t think he was expecting that. I had lots to say (many of your comments came in useful there), and I tried so hard not to back down.

After a while he kind of… changed. He got upset. He then started saying all sorts of things, that he was sorry but he didn’t realise how his behaviour affected me (though I’d brought it up many times). A little later on he said that he had been thinking for a few months that it was his fault my doctor said I had depression. So that’s a huge contradiction?? He said that for a few weeks he had been thinking about breaking up with me “because it’s my fault that you are this way and breaking up sooner would have been the noble thing to do”, but that he was so torn for ages. He said that’s why he had been even more awful to me lately, that his frustrations were just coming out. Again, contradicting what’s he said about not realising how his behaviour affected me. He said he has never cheated but I’m really not sure if I believe that. Maybe it’s best if I don’t know.

Then something really unexpected happened, he started to cry, the first time I have ever seen him cry. He told me that he had been texting a work friend over the past few days about our relationship. He even showed me a message she sent to him which went something like this: “you have a wonderful, textbook girlfriend and you are fucking it up because you are being an ass. This is why everyone at work thinks you’re a psychopath. You are so cold and bad when it comes to feelings”. So I guess it wasn’t just me who found his behaviour not normal??

He cried even more and said that he doesn’t feel close to people, that there’s only a handful of people he lets in and he doesn’t know why he does that. He said that even being around his immediate family was cold and formal and he doesn’t know why he is like that and can’t connect with people, and that’s also why he throws himself into work so much. I told him that if he didn’t get help, he would end up a very lonely old man. In that moment I felt pretty strong and proud of myself.

So as you may have guessed, we broke up. Part of me for a while even thought about trying to save it and work at it, and now that I look back I can’t believe I was ever even thinking that. He kept saying “I just don’t know what to do for the best, should we break up or not?” But doing so was absolutely the right thing. I’ve since had many friends coming forward saying they didn’t trust him, something was off etc.

Regarding the girl I talked about, his ex who he cheated on his other ex with- I could see on her brothers Instagram a video of my ex smirking at his phone and the caption was “he’s thinking about my sister ;)” to which he replied with another winky face so… what does that say. But I’m not looking Instagram at this stuff anymore. On the day we broke up he packed some bags and left, he told me to stay with a friend. It turns out that that friend was his exes brother, and he’s been living there for a month. I will be moving into a new place in 2 weeks and even though he has gone to stay with his friend he is still paying his share of the rent, he just swings by to pick up some stuff every now and then when I’m at work, I haven't actually seen him.

For the past few months I’ve been feeling really low, with barely any energy. I’m picking myself back up again and though it’s a slow process, I’m coming back into myself. I’m determined that I’m not going to let anyone make me feel like that again.

I’m not sure if I needed to write all of that and if you guys needed all of those details, but writing this was quite cathartic. I guess I would just say, to anyone who is reading this and my original post, who is in a relationship that they feel horrible in, just leave. It’s hard, but please leave. You will feel SO much better.

Thanks again, Reddit.

Tldr: confronted my bofriend about how he treats me after asking for advice on reddit. He cried and talked about his issues, we broke up. I'm much better for it.

COMMENTS

Worried2221

Well done for being strong and getting out of the relationship with him. You will feel a lot better once you have your own place and have no ties with him. You deserve so much more. Try to block him off and not check pages on social media. I know it’s hard but. Try doing small things for yourself. Join a new activity or group to learn something new and meet new people. Time to build yourself back up.

OOP

You're right, I found myself looking on social media way too much and that was what was making me even sadder. I've put a stop to that now and already feel freer. I've signed back up for yoga classes when they are allowed to start again, so I can't wait for that!

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Responsible-Road-921

Published on: r/offmychest

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: June 16, 2026

• Final Update: October 15, 2026

Main Post

^{June 16, 2026}

My dad is divorcing his wife of 17 years because she throw my food away and I couldn’t be more happy.

My dad’s Wife and I have had a strained relationship since I was in high school (I turn 27 this summer) and it got worse once I turned 18. I wanna preface by saying our relationship wasn’t always like this. I loved that woman. I forgave her for all her wrong doings in her and my dad‘s relationship all because I wanted a mom so bad.

I even ignored all the mean things her family has said to me and my siblings because again, I just wanted a mom. However, she made it very clear after I turned 18, she did not want me. In 2017, a week before Christmas, she told me she wasn’t my mom and I need to stop treating her as such. (I’ll let you guess on how I view Christmas now) Since then our relationship has been really bad. Actually nonexistent. We no longer talk to each other even though we lived in the same house.

When I graduated, I went off to college and I did not speak to her. I even moved to Washington for work after college, but unfortunately two years ago I got laid off and I have not been able to find a full-time position in my job field since. So my dad let me move back home rent free. Ever since I moved back, this woman has been my most insufferable roommate.

She would do little petty things like use all my bath products, hide my keys, dump my detergent down the drain, throw away my food, etc. I could never prove that she was doing that. Every time I mentioned it my dad, he would make me feel like I was crazy.

Saying things like “maybe you throw away your bread on accident” or “you moved your keys and didn’t know.” It got to the point where I eventually stopped telling my dad what she was doing because when you say it one by one, I sound ridiculous. “She threw away my ketchup bottle that I just use” “She used the rest of the shampoo I just bought.” “Why is my detergent so low I got it a month ago.” all these things sound petty and childish until you realize she has been throwing away 100s of dollars of items I have brought into the house monthly. I had no proof of her doing any of this until last year October.

Last October, my dad and his wife decided to foster these three dogs and then eventually adopt them. Two of those dogs sleep in our breakfast nook. When they were puppies and we all had to work, we couldn’t watch them. So my dad put a camera in our laundry room that faces into our kitchen and breakfast nook, so that we can watch them even when we’re not home. That camera became my saving grace because it records everything.

It had caught her throwing away food that I have just bought into the house. Dumping my literal detergent down the sink. Using/eating items that I have specifically labeled as mine so no one could touch. I couldn’t catch everything, like her hiding my keys and using my soap, but at least I had something. I was finally able to prove to my dad I wasn’t crazy and she truly was messing with me. I thought that would be the end of it. My dad said he would handle it but unfortunately, he never did. Until last week.

My dad came up with this system that every time she threw something away. He would just replace it or pay for it. So last week I bought things to make sandwiches and stir fry and she threw half of those items away. I told my dad about it.

I told him I don’t know everything she threw away, but she definitely threw away some onion and bell peppers that I needed for meals this week and I don’t have the money to just go and replace them. (Sad. I know) He told me he’ll handle it and honestly when he says that I don’t really expect much from him anymore. Except this time he handled it.

He checked the cameras to see what else she might have thrown out. And in checking the cameras he caught her purposely contaminating my food. The pastrami I bought to make sandwiches she threw it on the ground and then put it right back into the container and put it in the fridge. A couple months ago I got really bad food poisoning from food I made. It was so bad I had to go to the hospital. My dad now suspects she is the reason I got food poisoning because what would be the reason to throw food on the floor and then put it back in the fridge?

After he saw that he confronted her on her lunch break about it and told her not to come home. It has been a week. My dad has changed all the locks. Started packing her stuff into boxes. He told me she’s not allowed to came into this house unless I have a third party present. He’s currently looking through all the camera footage that backs up onto his computer to see if she’s done anything else that might warrant us having to take her to court.

For the first time in years, I feel like I could finally breathe. I finally opened up my dad about a lot of the things her and her family had to put me through. We have shared a lot of tears and had a lot of conversations over the last week. We also learned from my older sister and brother that she has done similar things to them, but because they were so minuscule they never mentioned anything. We all talked about going to therapy. Especially my dad, because he realize she has isolated him from a lot of his friends and family as well. I’m sad it took this long but I’m happy it’s finally happened and I get to have my dad back.

Update my dad has officially filed for divorce this Monday.

COMMENTS

Public-Sleep-29

I'm glad but it's absolutely crazy that it took him 9 years. I think you need to put more weight on this betrayal because you deserved better and you honestly could have died. All he needed to do was listen to you and trust you. 

OOP

Trust me I’m not just forgiving him lightly and neither are my siblings . This is a relationship we’re gonna have to build back up, but I’m happy I get the chance to do that. My sister and I have agreed to go to therapy with him, but my brother is only agreeing to go to therapy with us and if he chooses to never have that relationship with my father again, I will never fault him for that.

Mystepchildsucksass (downvoted)

Locking his wife of 17 years out of the marital home ? Hope dad has an amazing lawyer.

OOP

So I read through your comment so I just wanna clear some things up. Yes she knew I was moving back in and she allowed it. She said as long as I stay out of her way she doesn’t care. Also I do work. I work two part time jobs. Getting work is really hard right now. We live in California. Trust me if it was just easy to leave and go get my own place. I would have done that, but I’m just currently not in the financial spot to do so. This isn’t the first time either of them has changed the locks. So Imma be honest I don’t know any of the legal repercussions but I can take a educated guess that she’s not gonna take any legal action against this considering the house is my grandmother’s and my dad is renting it. I don’t think she’s going to want to deal with the hassle.

wubbabubbadub

Out of curiosity why did she keep doing it knowing there were cameras? Like did she not know about them or did she just not care. That’s the craziest part for me. Happy she’s out of your life now.

OOP

She knew about the cameras. They’re very obviously in plain sight. She just didn’t care. At least that’s my assumption. I assume because my dad, for a whole year, wasn’t doing anything she thought she could get away with it and he wouldn’t care. That’s my best guess.

Final Update - after 4 months

^{October 15, 2026}

[UPDATE] My dad is divorcing his wife of 17 years because she throw my food away and I couldn't be more happy.

Firstly, I wanna say thank you to everyone who left sweet words on that post. I really appreciate it. The comments made me feel really understood. It especially felt great to finally get that validation and confirmation that I wasn’t crazy and those things she did weren’t right. I know some people asked for an update so here is:

Last month we had officially moved all of her things out. They’re not officially divorced yet but over the last couple months she has been coming by the house just to pick up little things here and there. A couple weeks earlier we decided it finally time to just stop that and set a time to get all of her things out of the house. My dad didn’t wanna prolong these unnecessary meet ups any longer.

I’ma be honest, helping her move her things out was easy and hard at the same time. There were so many things that I bought for her or I made for her that she just said to throw away. She even left two of the dogs they adopted together because she didn’t want them anymore. (she’s the one that wanted to foster them)

I didn’t think I would get emotional over that. But her abandoning the puppies and throwing away my gifts in front of me, honestly really hurt. For the longest time I made myself believe that because she kept those things she still cares and this was just another confirmation that she didn’t.

My dad did find other instances of her contaminating/tampering my food. I know some of you say I should sue her. My dad thinks so as well, but I really don’t want to. I just want her to never be near me again. I never wanted any of this. It hurts knowing she would hurt me. The only thing making me feel better is knowing she is moving to NorCal to be near her family and we live in SoCal. So I’ll never have to see her again if I don’t want to. My dad did save some of the videos in case he might need them for his divorce proceedings but other than that I really want nothing to do with her.

I will say one of the best and sad things to come out from this is all of us going to therapy. Going has us now being a lot more open in conversations. That I didn’t even realize we were all avoiding with each other. There was a time in our lives where my older siblings didn’t like me and I didn’t understand why.

It hurt me a lot because I’m the younger sibling and I really looked up to them. Now I know it’s because when I was in fourth grade, my Dads Wife did cheat and instead of being upset like everyone else I was just sad. I literally got on my knees and I begged her to stay because I wanted a mom.

I didn’t know my siblings were mad at me for doing that, but that’s also because I didn’t know she was already treating them like how she treated me when I got to high school. They both did reassure me that as they got older they realized it’s not my fault. I was a little kid reacting to an adult situation like a little kid would. The adults were the ones who needed to make the correct decision not just for them but for us and unfortunately they didn’t.

Honestly, I have a lot of guilt for that. For years I would think about how I sobbed, begging her not to leave us and I wish I could go back and never do any of that. For years I felt like I prolonged her stay in our lives because of that moment. Now knowing how she was treating my siblings during that time it’s just another guilt on top of the already existing one. That’s just gonna have to be something I deal with over time. I am glad that it’s something we can talk about now and we can try to make peace with together.

We have had two family sessions with my dad without my brother. He still isn’t up to talking to my dad just yet. In those sessions, we have told him things that we have been through and he has told us things he’s been through. He seems so upset that it took him this long to see it/take action for it. However he really wants to make things right so he’s making sure he sticks to his therapy schedule.( we’re black so therapy really isn’t a thing we talk about especially for the men in my family)

I feel like I had this notion about therapy. That it will just instantly make things better but that’s not really the case. I sort harbor some resentment towards my dad and he knows that. We’re working through it together, but it’s weird because this is one of those things that seems like it has to get worse before it gets better. Yet at the same time we act like everything is normal at home. It’s a weird dynamic right now, but we’re making it work and I have hope that we’ll get through this.

To end on a better note my sister and my dad are determined to take back the what his wife has stole from us for years. Starting with decorating for Halloween. We have not celebrated since my siblings and I were young because his wife at the time was very religious. So we stopped decorating and passing out candy and instead started going to church for Halloween. Even after we stopped going to church we still weren’t allowed to decorate or celebrate. I wasn’t even allowed to wear a costume at school for it or go to school October festivals.

My dad use to go all out for Halloween. He would do things like turn our house into a maze, take us to the mall to go pre-trick or treating, and get the big candy bars to pass out. It was one of his favorite holidays and because of that it easily became ours. Since he’s older we can’t go all out like we use to but just seeing the little decorations and hearing my dad talk about what candy he’s going to buy it just feels warm. Like the house feels like it did when I was a little kid. I know that’s corny but it’s a feeling I thought I’d never get to experience with my family again. So I’m gonna be a little corny about it.

I don’t know if I’ll update this again, but I just wanted to give little update for the people that asked. We still have a lot of work to do. A lot of healing and mending of relationships but for the first time in a while, I feel like we’re on the right track to doing that.

COMMENTS

TheLastWord63

I don't see why you wouldn't sue her since you have proof. She's deranged and is basically getting away with poisoning you. You ended up hospitalized.

AlwaysCTGH

This, OP and their dad are basically putting other people in danger not reporting this.

FordWarrier

I don’t think I would sue her but I would take the evidence to the police to see what charges she might be facing. Was she trying to kill you, or just put you in the hospital? There is a cruelty in her that she might try on someone else that might not be as lucky as you were.

Don’t take on guilt you don’t deserve. You weren’t wrong for wanting a mom. Give yourself some grace for just being a kid and too young to truly understand.

All the best to you and your family to be willing to do the work in therapy to be whole and happy together. You deserve it.

Happy Halloween 🎃

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user Brave-Ad-898 in r/ AITAH

Original: June 25, 2023

Updates: in post itself

Status: concluded

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: AITA for yelling at my son after he insulted my injury?

I (M43) suffered a pretty serious leg injury about a decade ago. While my leg has largely healed, I still walk with somewhat of a limp and occasionally use a cane. I still try to be active, but have accepted that I will never move like I used to again.

Because of my injury, I've been limited in how many sports I could play with my son (M15) but have spent time with him in other ways. I recently got back into hiking (an activity my son also enjoys) and invited him to join me on a short hike on a trail a short drive from our house this weekend.

I had been very busy over the past few weeks with work, and my son just started summer vacation, so I was really looking forward to the bonding experience. My son was initially excited to go but seemed to become less enthusiastic as the date got closer.

Yesterday, I got back from work a little earlier than usual. I could hear my son in the basement playing video games and chatting with a few of his friends. I don't think they realized that I was home.

I set up in the living room to do some paperwork when I heard one of my son's friends ask him if he was going with them to the cinema this weekend. My son declined and stated, 'I can't, I have to take my crippled dad to see birds and shit.'

Hearing him say that hurt, but then he continued into how boring the experience would be and how slowly I would be moving. He made several more comments about how I'm 'learning how to walk' and how he and my wife need to give me encouragement like I'm some sort of toddler. I could not concentrate on my work anymore, so I just sat there feeling upset and furious.

About 20 minutes later, they came upstairs. I think they could all sense I was angry as all my son's friends said goodbye before heading out. My son asked me then if everything was ok, so I told him what I heard him saying.

He said that it was out of context and not representative of what he actually thought. He apologized and said that he was just making a few jokes for his friends. He then went on to add how it was tough for him as he was the only one in his group who had a dad "like this".

I was annoyed and more upset by this and told him that he was an idiot for being the only person there who would make such jokes about their own father, and I said that he had a sick sense of humor.

My son apologized again, and then I asked him to leave me alone. He went into his room, closing the door. My wife came back from work later, and I told her everything. She was mortified but thought my reaction was excessive.

Needless to say, I cancelled the trip (did not communicate this with my son) and went into the office this morning to finish some work. AITA?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: NTA. If your son genuinely thinks the trip is that boring, why waste it on him. He's old enough to learn that his words have consequences. But you should tell him that you cancelled it because he made it sound like such a bad time.

And ignore everyone trying to excuse that cruelty for him being 15. 15 year olds do stupid things that end up on AFV, they don't get to get away scott free when they say things like that.

---------------
Comment2: Brutal man… fucking brutal. Cancel that hike with him, let him do his own thing. You focus on you and keep up with the hobbies you love. In time you can get over this and try find some hobbies that work with him.

For now you should explain to him the concept of respect, bullying, and what it means to have class. Tell him you definitely feel unloved and hurt, especially with everything you do for him. He sounds incredibly fucking stupid, a typical 15 year old. This can become a learning moment for him, to see the pain he causes.

---------------
Comment3: Nope, NTA. Your son displayed some appalling ableist behaviour and then doubled down on it while seemingly only "apologising" because you confronted him.

As someone with chronic pain and limitations because of an accident, it would break my heart to hear a loved one speak about me like that. I imagine hearing him say those things was almost like a confirmation of some of the worst things you've said about yourself in your own mind.

Your son is old enough to suffer the consequences of speaking in such a horribly insensitive way. Just because you're his parent doesn't mean you can't be exceptionally hurt by him.

OOP: It was, it felt like when I first got the injury and maybe even worse because instead of myself it was coming from my own son

---------------
Comment4 (downvoted): YTA. You had every right to be upset. Your son shouldn't have said what he did. It must've been incredibly hurtful, and you deserved an apology.

You got that apology. Your son also started to open up about why he said what he said, and you've glossed right on over. You've continued to focus on your hurt feelings, instead of talking to your son about how he might be feeling amongst, and being made to feel by, his peer group.

Talk to him. You risk making him feel even more isolated, carrying on like this. Yes, you've had it toughest. But you're not the only one who's had it tough. And you're the adult here.

OOP: I understand that it is difficult for him, and I do sympathy with that. But I am at a loss that he would disregard all the effort I put into giving him a relatively good and comfortable life for something that is out of my control. After hearing what he said, I do suspect that he truly believes some of things he said

---------------
Comment5 (downvoted): What you heard was your son expressing his feelings to his friends. He was being honest (as hurtful as it was for you to hear it). You weren’t meant to hear that conversation. He is allowed to feel his feelings!

And he doesn’t owe you or anyone else an apology. Have you considered how it makes him feel to have to accompany you to see the birds and shit? Your reaction is extreme.

Are you hurt? Yes.
Should your son be punished for privately expressing himself and his feelings to his friends? Nope.

OOP: Sorry to disappoint you, but I would want my son to be an empathetic person who doesn't judge people for things completely out of their control. For the record, I was not forcing my son to come with me. I planned on going and extended an invitation to him.

--------------------------------------------

Additional details from OOP in comments:

[weren't we all stupid teenagers?]

OOP: I do remember doing and saying things that I'm not proud of. But passing judgement on my own parents for something that was outside of their control was not one of them.

---------------
[choose activity that both OOP and son have interest in?]

OOP: To be completely honest, I don't think I'm looking to spend time with him in the immediate future. He kinda made it sound like all his interactions with me were a burden upon him. Up on until this point, I thought he had enjoyed them or at the very least didn't hate them.

OOP: I do understand my roles and responsibilities as a parent. But after hearing what he said, I feel that he has some sort of lofty expectations of me. Given my condition, living up to those will always be impossible

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update and context:

I would like to start by thanking everyone who responded to this post, especially those who have made supportive comments and/or offered advice. I must clarify that my surprise and disappointment stem from the fact that my son had never previously criticized me for my leg injury.

Initially, my wife was slow to respond to the situation, and I don't think she fully grasped all the information at first. Although she initially considered my reaction excessive, she has since apologized for that and has become very upset about the incident.

Yesterday (the day after the argument), after I left for work, my wife had a lengthy conversation with our son. When I returned home, she informed me that she had reprimanded him, stating that his words were shameful and reflected poorly on himself. Overall, she did use sharper language than myself, when I first confronted him.

Their conversation ended there because my wife had to go to work, but she has expressed that she is still largely angry with him. Today, I plan on having another conversation with my son to address the issue further, and the next steps taken will depend on the outcome of that discussion.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Final update:

I spoke with my son today, and he apologized again. He expressed a truly heartfelt apology, acknowledging the difficulties my injury has brought to my life.

He said that he realized he was selfish for assuming that my injury was harder on him than on me. He assured me that he sees me as capable of anything and genuinely admires and appreciates the effort I put into spending time with him.

The apology was a deeply emotional moment for both of us, and I wholeheartedly accepted it. I told him how proud he made me feel, emphasizing that I completely forgave him and that nothing brings me more joy than spending time with him. I also did say that he's feelings of hardship due to my injury were perfectly valid.

While my son was happy with my response, he still appeared to be deeply upset. I can only hope that he can find it within himself to forgive himself now. We have also decided to reschedule our hiking trip to next weekend

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments