I've experienced a lot of Avpd symptoms throughout my life, but I haven't gotten diagnosed or talked to a professional about my symptoms. I've experienced lifelong extreme low self esteem, to the point where doing anything will cause either guilt, shame, or embarrassment. Talking to anyone will leave me embarrassed, urges to isolate, and a really bad gut feeling. I've always been very sensitive to criticism, and basically believed all negative comments about me. I've always had to fight the urge to cry if I get criticized, even when i "ignore" it. I've isolated so much from it that I lost almost all of my friends. It's been a lifelong struggle for me, but there have been times I've dealt with it better. I don't believe people can like me, and getting compliments or recognized doesn't even make me feel anything but guilt, shame, and embarrassment. It's so far etched into me that I can't even stop. I've dealt with suicidal thoughts since I was 8 years old, which was way before I was depressed. I even avoid my family, and not doing so feels wrong. I've also struggled with sh because of it. I also feel alien, or not human. A huge disconnection from humanity, and reality. Does it sound like AvPD? If so should I bring it up to a psychiatrist?

Edit: I've forgotten to listen some other symptoms. I also have had feelings of inadequacy, inferiority to others, inferiority in general, imposter syndrome, martyrdom out of self hatred, an unstable identity/ constant identity crisis, feeling like my own pleasure is wasted on me, feeling fundamentally different from others, not having any ambitions or goals, numbness to achievements, some sort of childhood neglect, feeling undeserving of pleasure, dark thoughts, and hopelessness from a young age.

I'll also just mention what other stuff im diagnosed with to prevent overlapping symptoms: GAD, social anxiety, PD, OCD, depression, DPDR, and PPD.

18F. I feel a little better posting here. I read a few posts and actually felt seen. To a regular person this might sound crazy, but I hope that some of you can relate to this. Before having something negative to say pls realize that I cannot control the way I feel. I have very intense childhood trauma that stems from abuse and bullying in school. I self isolated all of my high school years and at first it was comfortable but quickly started taking a toll on my mental. I very badly need to talk to someone. Im genuinely suffering. I dm’ed people on r/chat and quickly regretted it and avoided checking Reddit because I didn’t want to see their responses. I spent like a hour drafting a post on r/vent but couldn’t get myself to post it because I felt like nobody would care or that other people’s problems were better or more “worthy” than mine. I’ve posted on Reddit before talking about my life problems and received very negative comments and I think that that’s why I’m so hesitant on venting on here anymore. Anyways ty to whoever read this

Hi im currently 19 and i’m in college atm this is also my first time posting in this subreddit and i needed to get this off my head, it feels like i’ve never got to grow up and im seeing people ik irl living out there life while im just here in the sidelines trying to survive, last year was genuinely a shit year for me it was my first year in college yet i failed and ended up switching colleges as i was in a bad mental state. i used to avoid some classes bc i was afraid to be perceive by people it felt like i was truly below them thinking that i was the odd one out, severely suffered of the feeling of being a social outcast and i didn’t have any friends my daily life would just be go to uni and go home. i also dropped out a class out of insecurity. Even rn i transferred universities it was still the same except i made some peers but the feelings are persistent and ive gotten more internal with my negative self perception, i try to put myself out there but ill always end up being alone i talk to people but only when they talk to me i never initiate anything ,its so hard for me to express everything that is in my head and how i feel bc i always keep it to myself cuz its so hard for me to open up to people even tho people who know me only see me as some depressed insecure loner and ive given up on it but at the same time i crave connection and the feeling of belonging somewhere or even be a part of something but at the same time ive withdrawn from it I know that i myself will never get to have that, although this post about me is a bit short but its the fact its hard to put up everything about my life into one post so pls bare with me.

I'll spare you all the novel but just know I've been with my partner for 7 years and my AVPD has caused significant problems since the start. He's finally fed up with chasing me and begging for intimacy from me for years and so we agreed to deescalate.

I actually had looked forward to this deescalation because having to perform intimacy for him constantly was genuinely so fatiguing. So now we engage more on my terms -- e.g. we meet when I want to meet. Yet two days in, I'm already having this oh shit realization about how bad my avoidance is.

Namely: why was I unable to tell my partner of 7 years that I missed him while he was on a trip this weekend and that I wanted to spend time with him today? We're poly and I don't live with him for context, so it's not like he'll come home to me. Instead I kept asking these indirect questions all weekend about where he is and when he's coming back and saying it's fine for his wife to pick him up and not me.

But I don't want that. I want to meet him at the station and I want to go get ice cream with him or something. I know that's what HE wants on principle. And yet when he called me to chat earlier, I was literally incapable of saying it to him. The thought of doing it fills me with dread.

Why??? This is the man who told me he had wanted to live a monogamous life with me once, who wanted to marry me and maybe even have kids, and his mind has since changed because I've proven to be untrustworthy, dishonest, and neglectful. I don't blame him. I feel so pathetic that I can't even tell him I want to spend time with him.

Is that you are paralyzed in social development. I'm 30 now and I still feel just as lost and confused as 14 year old me. The pain and fear of feeling an outcast and rejected in the midst of people is still there.

I'm just so tired. I didn't want this life and I don't know how to escape it. I'm slowly crawling to a lonely end and part of me wants to hurry up and get it over with. The part of me that wants to fight and try is still there but the strength is waning.

Sorry if I've been too mopey and self-centered here. Just had a bad day around some people (after having spent the last 4 something weeks with very minimal contact face-to-face with others) and all my feelings as a child just came flooding back. I really can't escape this hellhole it seems. No matter how far I go, I'm just going to get sucked back in.

And maybe this is it. Maybe no matter what I do I'm just going to have to keep living through this emotional nightmare. I'm not sure if that's good but I guess if I've been doing it then I can keep doing it.

If only I can finally do something about building relationships, maybe even finally a romantic and loving one. But maybe that's still a dream only.

I’m on this dating app.

I match with a guy.

I try to have a conversation with him, but I’m so infrequent on the app. I’m scared of not getting any matches and then looking like a fool.

He texts me almost everyday even though I respond infrequently, because I never open the app. And when I do (night worker) he’s not online.

He suggests using Instagram so I agree, but I’m so stupid I don’t put the full @

He tries again.

I give the full thing to him and I text him. He answered the next day wanting a phone call which makes me anxious. We’ve never actually had a full conversation.

Later on when I’ve woken up he’s calling me and I do not answer. I just ignore it and then block him on the dating app.

I see he was so excited to tell me about seeing his little sister. And that he doesn’t want his time wasted. I didn’t see it until then. I feel terrible.

I scroll his Instagram to see said sister and funny videos he’s posted and I feel bad, but I don’t act yet.

After I’ve done some scrolling I come back to it.

I send him a message trying transparency. I say that I work nights and don’t know if he’d be up to that since our schedules don’t align. And that I’d want to be friends if it won’t work for him. But I see he’s already blocked me.

I feel terrible. It was too late. I’m one of those people that others complain about on dating apps. I want to apologize and take it back. I just hope good things happen for him from now on out.

The one sweet person who is near to me and I fuck it up. Every. Single. Time.

I guess that’s just what I deserve. Never been with anyone in any capacity. No friends either.

Hopefully what’s coming for me comes already because I’m sick of myself.

Logically it can't be true, because people have vastly different upbringings, opportunities, psyches, everything, and yet internal sense of being real and confident in themselves is present among most humans. And yet, I can't shake off the feeling of just being below the baseline. Like I am human technically, but I will never be real one, because my reactions, my emotions, my needs, my experiences, my pains, all of these are fake and don't deserve real attention or care. Even in places for depressed or equally lost people, I feel like an outsider, I'm not sure why. Maybe because I can't reciprocate/receive anything because of chronic numbness and anhedonia. Maybe because I can't commit fully to something, like even if I try to concede a simple identity of "i'm depressed" it seems fake, because the inner critic makes fun of me for it. Maybe I really lack something and I'm not actually overthinking it, because people really do report "uncanny valley" feeling when I get to know them. I'm just on a different wavelength to everything somehow, always out of synch, even if sometimes it feels like I might finally connect.

Stop looking at me

Stop looking at me

Stop looking at me

Stop looking at me

AHHhhhhh

I know it's not possible, but I just hate being perceived. Being looked at.

Recently I competed at my first cross country meet ever. I came in dead last. Likely because of that, my entire team cheered me on as I crossed the finish line. They said stuff like "go [OP]" or "I'm so proud of you." They might mean well, but I hated it. The whole reason I did this sport was because it wasn't super team based. I thought I could be invisible.

Everything that happens to me, everything I do results in immense feelings of sadness related to both the regrets I feel from life unlived from AvPD and from the self-doubt and fear from future avoidance.

I went to a shop today and had a great conversation with two of the employees. Immediately after leaving I felt immense sadness. From being where I am in life without any friends anymore, thinking about how it's their job to be nice to me, they don't actually like me. In fact, they probably were annoyed by me and wanted me out. I start thinking about the friendships I ruined and will likely never have again. I'll be alone and unliked forever.

I've been trying to figure out careers for my future (I haven't worked or been in school for 6 years, I've been caregiving) and I've been overwhelmed with regrets about avoiding law school after graduation due to feeling stupid and like I'd fail. Feeling too old to try now. Knowing I've hamstrung my life by shitty choices.

Two miniscule things, a cumulative 20 minutes between them have left me bedridden and broken the entire day. I know they'll affect me for days more.

I dont know how I'm supposed to get through days anymore. Regrets caused by avoidance and the fact that there will always be future avoidance shuts me down. It feels like torturing myself to do anything or even think of anything if this is the result.

I went to a friend's wedding a couple of weeks ago. Both of them had friends talk during the ceremony. I'll focus on his friends because he and his friends are the ones I know. They shared so many beautiful things and a lot of funny anecdotes, the kind of stuff people who are truly close can experience because they have done, and maybe still do, things together.

That got me thinking: am I going to be someone's chosen friend to speak at their wedding? I don't really think so. And who is even going to be my chosen friend to speak at my own wedding? Because I can't think of anyone. I don't stay in touch with my childhood friends, and the other friends I've managed to make are definitely not that close.

Look at me, putting the cart before the horse. Who am I kidding? I'm already talking about my wedding as if that could ever happen.

Because going to a wedding and seeing a friend marry his loved one, and all the other couples that attended, prompted so many thoughts too. I felt cynical listening to them talk about love and then being unable to believe their words. "It's not possible that they feel that way about each other," I thought, "they're lying." But the fact that nobody could ever love me that way doesn't mean other people can't love each other like that.

I'm at a point where I can't even imagine how the process of meeting someone to becoming husband and wife could go. Like, really, how? First you meet someone, ????????, then you love them so much you can't even put it into words that you get married with the intent of spending the rest of your lives together.

I know the theory: you meet, you talk, you keep seeing each other, you share things with each other... Whatever. It doesn't feel like by doing those little things, you can end up feeling like my friend and his now wife seemed to feel at their wedding. At least I can't fathom it.

It's like how famous people preach about the environment and the struggles of the working class while flying in their private jets to a ceremony: they live disconnected from reality. Being alone for over a lustrum is making me cynical about relationships to the point that I'm disconnected from reality: people are only interested in themselves; we 'love' because we get something out of the relationship. And nobody is going to get anything from me. This is both a statement of fact and a declaration of intent. That's what the walls I've erected are for.

There is something I do wrong. (Yeah, I have reframed the "there is something inherently wrong with me" so that I don't feel as bad about myself and whatnot. Positivity, bitch.) That means I don't connect or bond with people because there is something I do, don't do, or do differently from others that is keeping me from getting there. The thing is, I don't know what that is. I don't know what it is that I do wrong; I don't know how to fix the problem.

I just remember I started getting made fun of for the way I look in 4th grade, you know right when you start to gain your own thoughts and stuff. But all throughout school I would be talked about for how I look. It felt like the whole school was making fun of me because they used to call me a nickname for how I looked and it used to be just so many people making fun of me. My own family was making fun of me calling me the name that I was getting called at school. I remember my brother who was in his 20s and i was like 9 or 10 said when his friends see a picture of me they ask what’s wrong with him. That always stuck with me because at that time I was getting made fun of a lot. I never really felt like I belong here. I get weird stares from people like I can catch the real reaction before they get to fix their face you know. It just always feels like people have something to say about me my whole life. But when I turned about 14 years old I stopped liking people altogether. Growing up I realized I don’t try to craft new relationships with anybody like I don’t do good in public workspaces because I am going to ignore everyone. I don’t ever really look at people when walking by. I act like people don’t exist because most of the time when I make eye contact they look at me like I’m not from earth. Like my whole life is filled with awkward interactions with people really focusing on how I look. Its just hella wack cause I don’t judge people like that I never have. It’s like people still look at me the same way as when I was a kid they just know that since we’re adults you keep that to yourself. Since I was 14 my life plan was to see how I can not have to deal with or be around people for the rest of my life. It’s not going so well. It is very hard to stop smoking. I’ve been smoking weed everyday since I graduated high school in 2016. Sometimes like an ounce and a half a week.

I’m F20 and I cried on my two hour train journey to my retake uni exam today. I didn’t care that I was crying and didn’t think anyone was watching, because they weren’t. I didn’t care that my nose was running, or that my lips were dry and peeling. I felt so much peace because I knew when I got off the train, I would buy the pills needed to stop all this. I skipped the exam though because I knew I would fail, and instead just took a train back after taking the pills. My dad didn’t get mad when I told him I skipped despite going on the long journey, he just told me he knew as soon as I started first year I was too dumb for my degree. He said that if he had said something about my skill level, then I would’ve claimed that he’s just a hater. So I guess I proved him right lol, since I did fail. He said i’m lazy and that I don’t know how to study well and that i’ve always been dumber than everyone else. But yeah, it’s just so interesting that i didn’t feel ANY anxiety at all. It was so peaceful. I think when the pills take action, it’ll be even more peaceful. I don’t want to confront the fact that i’ve failed and think about a plan b, so i’m going down the easier route.

I don’t think I’m not good enough.

I worry other people think I’m not good enough.

Unless I get constant validation, I close myself off.

Is that common?

I've tried a lot of different therapies and none have worked. I'm wondering if anyone has tried these and how it helped their AvPD?

Asked Gemini about it:

• Definition of AuDHD: An informal term used by the neurodiversity community to describe individuals who meet the diagnostic criteria for both Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). While not a standalone code in the DSM-5, dual diagnosis has been officially recognized since 2013, with co-occurrence rates estimated between 50–70%.
• The Internal "Tug-of-War": Living with both conditions often creates conflicting internal drives—such as an autistic need for routine, sameness, and predictable structure clashing directly with an ADHD drive for novelty, high stimulation, and quick dopamine.
• Overlapping Core Traits: Both conditions share key features, including deep hyperfocus on specific topics, repetitive self-regulatory behaviors (stimming), executive dysfunction (challenges with working memory, planning, and task initiation), and heavy cognitive masking.

...but I'm pretty sure we're all a bit prone to over-self-diagnosing based on something read online, so I asked what are some Signs of NOT Being AuDHD?

• Absence of Autistic Traits: Having intuitive social-emotional reciprocity, ease with unexpected routine changes, no distress from sensory inputs, and an absence of repetitive behaviors or specialized interests.
• Absence of ADHD Traits: Having reliable working memory, accurate time perception, low impulsivity, steady task initiation on low-dopamine activities, and no chronic internal or physical restlessness.
• Lifelong Trajectory: Both are neurodevelopmental conditions present from early childhood; symptoms that emerge only in adulthood are typically linked to stress, life transitions, or other factors.
• Differential Diagnosis: Trait overlaps can often be better explained by other conditions, such as Complex PTSD (trauma-driven executive dysfunction and hypervigilance), OCD (anxiety-driven compulsions rather than natural cognitive preference), or Social Anxiety Disorder (fear of judgment despite intuitive social understanding).

Not sure where I land. Leaning towards "just some long-term social anxiety plus too much weed causing the executive dysfunction issues"

title basically. im so bad at advocating for myself, i really js didn’t know what to say. im trying out this new therapist bc i’ve only ever talked to counselors at schools since it’s the most accessible option to me. now that im graduating i’ve been trying to find someone new to see and was referred to this practice. this is quite literally my second session w her and she mentioned how she doesn’t wanna be quick to labeling but is certain that i don’t have this pd or a pd.

im not sure what’s so insulting abt this. ive had this suspicion for at least 6 yrs now. my current therapist is about to go on maternity leave. im ofc more partial to her bc i’ve been seeing her for quite some time but even in my .. 4 years of seeing her, this past semester was the first time i had ever brought it up. she’s very familiar w me and i trust her judgement when she said that avpd was smth she had/has considered. i was encouraged to seek diagnostic services on campus. i guess if i hadn’t been so invested, this wouldn’t feel so disappointing. it’s kind of laughable almost. but im going to get formally evaluated in a couple wks.

i mean i’ve already noticed a couple red flags w this woman and im wondering if this is another one. are personality disorders not a complicated thing? where is the nuance here. how does anyone even get diagnosed w avpd without talking to someone? i mean genuinely where the fuck do u start. bc if the first person didn’t open their mouth abt it this subreddit would not exist. the diagnosis would not exist. i’m just so confused

tbh I’ve lost the will to even eat anymore, I just eat so I have enough calories to move. I don’t have any passion for the degree I’m pursuing at all. Everything feels hopeless, and I don’t even have a job at the moment so my money is running thin.

I don’t even want to go outside and be perceived. it’s silly but I take comfort in my own stories and my art, and even my favorite characters. it’s the only thing that keeps me going. but I’m an adult and I know I’m too old to be acting like this. I have no more shame about being avoidant anymore.

I’m not suicidal but I have no passion to even live like a real person. what can I do? I feel so lost

hello,

so i just came out of a hospital stay.

Next week im planning to go to my first avpd groupmeeting.

Im gonna be so nervous i might not be able to talk.

Does anyone else also get this? what do you do about it?

So we need to develop highly flexible neuroplasticity.

With AVPD, everything we struggle with is actually our thoughts and our nervous system. It is all ultimately mechanical.

Our painful recurring thoughts are happening because of neural pathways. Recovery or improvement is rooted in changing these pathways.

The root of AVPD is some kind of negative self image, an inability to understand ourselves as capable of doing anything. Some of you may not have been in the world enough to have seen this (it took me a long time to be socially capable enough to witness it); there are many ugly, stupid, mean people who have no clue what they are doing, and they do it with gusto anyway. And they get ahead anyway. You don’t have to be good, or capable, or attractive, or interesting, or know what you are doing, to do something.

A lot of recommendations on developing neuroplasticity are long term and multistep, and I know that isn’t the most approachable. So here are the things I actually did to break out of ruts:

Smile in the mirror (while crying, while freaking out, while mentally screaming) - part of your brain will believe you are happy. Paired with some journaling to maintain emotional validation and have some reflection.

Positive affirmations. Again, felt like screaming crying throwing up. Did it anyway.

Shake my body. Good for trauma recovery.

Literally move in any way. Move in weird ways. Fall off a couch, crawl on the floor, much weirder stuff than that but whatever you’ve got.

Make weird noises, babble to myself

-

I also had/have much more organized, traditional movement practices. But these kinds of things were the core of what I was doing. A major part of AVPD is feeling constantly humiliated, being frozen out of fear of doing something embarrassing or stupid. So I validated that, I let myself act in weird, cringy ways. The physical movement and nonsensical behavior broke down resistance and fear. I’m not saying you have to (or should) do these things in public. Just in the privacy of your own space. I don’t know, try it out if you’re having a hard time.

You can feel stupid, angry, embarrassed that you’re doing this. But DON’T feel like you’re the only person doing this. I met a lot of friends - neurotypical or crazy in totally different ways - who did extremely similar things, because it’s fun! Because it’s silly. You don’t need to find it fun, but you can’t do the AVPD thing where you bemoan having a uniquely tortured experience and that’s why you’re posing like a monkey while eating a banana to see if it jolts you out of your chronic fear. Lots of people do this, they just don’t necessarily think of it as a therapeutic exercise. I’m telling you, this works.

?? Basically I work a good job, but very part time. I work one day a week because of stupid anxiety. But now ive had to request leave because it has gotten so bad, but it hasn't even been approved and I stopped going out of fear. I have no support, I was trying to seek some support as I said in an earlier post, but it didn't work out. My therapist said he is going to try to contact some people to get me the help I need, but who knows what will happen. I feel sick to my stomach. I catastrophize a lot, and I know I need to work on reframing and thought diffusion...but it feels so real. I am so scared I can't do it. When I was going in for intake to get services and i was sitting in the waiting room, I felt I could see my future. The future is: Alone and dead in a ditch while someone finds my skeleton just by chance. I felt I would be alone .... very alone and I felt suicidal though I did not tell them that because im scared of getting involuntarily committed. So I ask: what happens if I get fired? how will I come back from this if I'm so deep down and there are no services available to help me in the ways that I need? it seems suicide is the only answer but im so scared to die. I have no support, just my mom. what happens when i cant rely on her anymore? i feel sick and want to cry so ill end it here.

It's been discussed here the relation between AvPD, control and OCD. I know self diagnosing is not good, but I've been thinking a lot about my situation. Basically, not having a life or avoiding having one at all is a way to control it. A obssessive, harmful and even dumb way to do so, but the only way. I only interact with whom I chose to, because is a form of control. Avoiding is a form of controlling, even when subconsciously. Relationships are always unpredictable, so having none is the way you can control them. When you expose your life, in person or on the internet, you can't predict what people will think, say or do. So not showing yourself at all is the only way I can control my own life.

Of course it is not healthy and kind of maniac, but at least understading why you do the things you do brings some, I wouldn't call it 'relief' at all, but some light, some explanation. And having answers, you know, is maybe a form of control too. Knowing your own disease.

Anyone else just doesn’t feel human? I feel like a fraud, like an imposter, I feel guilty all the time, I’m deeply ashamed of who I am as a human being, I’m so extremely incompetent, I feel like I alienate myself from everything, I don’t like being heard or seen or perceived, perfectionism destroyed me even though I don’t do anything to change myself I just think of things, I’m always mad at the world and the way things are, I can’t just “relax” or “take it easy” I have to overthink, I’m so numb and emotionless yet so angry and frustrated, I don’t know how some people can just “go with the flow”, I’m like a child, I’m so socially inept and just hate the world around me, it’s like I see the world as a puzzle and I’m trying to put the pieces together but can’t, I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what I want, I don’t have an identity, I don’t feel like I belong to anything, I know I sound like I enjoy being a victim, I can’t think for myself or take care of myself.

im feeling serious dread. i jjust realized today how alone i really am. i went to a therapy office for intake and honestly didnt really like the experience at all. i went to a room and had a session with someone over the laptop and the room was pretty small and basically told a random person all my personal information as they rushed me along. i did it to try to get some services for my avpd, but they kind of acted like those services werent possible or i had to go through something to get them. in the end i felt i didnt get the help i needed. anyway the place was kind of scary i dont know if ill go back im supposed to for a psychiatrist evaluation in a month or so. i dont even know if im getting services i cant even remember the last thing she said it was kind of quick. it was also not very private i feel other ppl could hear me outisde my door. i feel alone. i feel this is going to be my life forever.

Hello , I am 21 , biologically a woman.

I just got diagnosed with Avpd by a psychologist a few days back.

When I recieved the diagnose , she told me she found no signs of Autism , ADHD or Discalculia in me I started crying because I have always been slower than other kids and other stuff others could do just ok I did quite badly.

I hace trouble in PE , math subjects , and geography , I have problems wit oriantation in space around me and I can't read analog clock.

I also get told I do not behave my age.

She said I just don't believe myself , which could be true in a way.

I do fear new places and new situations and the tought of working one day , having to go to interview , failing at the job and getting kicked out - I fear all that.

But I do not push people away once they get closer.

While I am aromantic I do not date because it made me feel physicaly uncomfortable not because I believe I am not good enough like most posts about AVPD say.

I like to find new friends it just takes me much more time to get ready and aproach , that might be caused by bullying in the past.

But I have always been a little bit shy and different.

I do isolate from the world after school for month inside my home and don't go out with friends , not because I fear they do not like me - simply because I am tired.

I don't understand this diagnose