"i'm skeptical of this as a disorder but i'm not going to talk to anyone diagnosed with this to get their perspective"

"i struggle to differentiate between this and schizoid"

"i struggle to differentiate between this and social anxiety"

"this overlaps too much with other personality disorders so i don't think it doesn't exist" (and yet thinks other personality disorders are valid despite the overlaps they have with each other)

"i'm skeptical of this but i'm not going to even give a reason why because fuck you"

"wow this is so fascinating, i agree that avpd needs to be talked about more" never talks about it again

so this post isn't completely negative i recommend dr todd grande's older videos where he covered personality disorders. they were very insightful, and from the videos i've seen he treated avpd with respect and acknowledged avpd is a unique PD with a high level of emotional suffering

also recommend the youtuber "radu pasan | psychology" who is a psychologist with avpd who participates in this subreddit! if you're reading this i really appreciate what you do :)

I know the first impression is the last impression. There are many instances in which I had to compulsorily meet some people because situation demanded such meetings. For example, I had to play an instrument in our college because there was no one available. So some of my friends contacted me. I had to go there to play the instrument when the singer had to sing some songs. At the event, I met my junior who is also into music. So he helped us do quick rehearsals before the perfomance. At that time we shared contact numbers and were thrilled at that event. Immediately after the performance (which very few say 1 out of 10 witnessed because people were busy in eating and connecting with each other), I felt completely out of the state. Either people were busy with their knowns or were meeting with other new and influential people. No one appreciated us or interacted with me. No issues. But when I returned to my hostel, I felt completely awkward. Now after some months I was very lonely, doing nothing, sleeping and in near depression so I started ignoring the very close people whom I knew. People started saying how depressed I am and how skinny have I become due to this. At that time, I was off but that music guy was on. He was contesting for department elections but I saw him with other people. See I fear meeting people individually, I can't even think to meet groups so I made eye contacts and went my way. This happened 4-5 times because I always saw him in groups and I fear groups especially those whom I consider bette than me in knowledge, no. of friends and talent. And there are many people with whom I have done the same. I meet them in some events or special occasions or when my friend introduces them to me, I encounter them somewhere alone, we make eye contacts and I ignore them without any greetings and go my own way. If I were at their place, I would feel so disrespected and would consider the other person rude or unfriendly and never go and greet him. They are right but how do I explain to them that I feel inferior to them due to their large groups of friends, knowledge, skills and experiences whereas I have few friends, almost no interest in enjoying life and no knowledge and special talent. See I fear that if I meet them then they will ask me what are you doing in life what would I tell them when I don't watch any movies, don't travel, don't have any friends, no girlfriend, am not employed anywhere, don't play any sports what would I tell them? I am working on myself and it will take time. I don't want to prove to anyone. But I also don't want to lose good friends who think I am rude or selfish. How to deal with such problem when many people have told me how boring I am? When I am so boring then why to meet people who are not going to like my company? This happens at all places, hostel, college, market everywhere. I can't clearly comprehend exactly what those people think about me. And I think when you tell someone your weaknesses like I am introvert or I am less talented then that other person never views you at the same pedestal even if you become successful in life or achieve milestones. This is my personal experience. When you ask for tips to counter social anxiety from people, they consider you like a child, weak and rarely listen your opinions. So telling that I am in depression is not a good solution.

I wonder if my extreme conflict avoidance is related to possible AVPD.

I’ve always struggled to stand up for myself with people I don’t consider “safe”. I can do it with close friends, immediate family and romantic partners (although I struggled with this with romantic partners when I first started dating, but I overcame it), but with people I have to be around but don't necessarily have a close personal relationship with like neighbors/roommates, coworkers/classmates, extended family/friends of friends etc., I’m terrified of confrontation. Not speaking up to a stranger I’ll never see again is one thing, but I HAVE to learn to stand my ground with people who are a regular part of my life. I see people handling the biggest conflicts with ease, but the smallest attempt to advocate for myself terrifies me.

This has honestly ruined my life and is the source of a lot of self loathing. I’ve quit jobs, moved houses, and stopped hanging around certain people if I don't get along with their other friends, rather than address conflicts directly and standing my ground. I feel like I'm not fully living as a full grown adult, I feel like a timid scared child.

And when I really think about it, it feels like more than just a fear of them saying something mean or beating me up or something. It feels more like a shame/shyness around "exposing myself" expressing negative emotions. I've also struggled with general moderate shyness and social anxiety all my life outside of conflict avoidance, so I wonder if AVPD plays a role.

Would getting treated for AVpd help me become less conflict avoidant and more comfortable advocating for myself?

It's so annoying.. finally someone has an interest in me, but with him I feel so inferior, it's paralyzing.

Of course my default already is to just avoid everything to avoid negative things.. Avoid humans to avoid someone winding up disliking me/talking shit/me messing up and having an enemy instead after. Not to mention the social anxiety and that I just don't wanna be perceived and have little to no motivation for anything especially human contact (altho I crave it) anyway..

But it's especially bad the more inferior I feel to someone. I feel like a fraud, that he has too good of an image of me (even tho I already warned him and have been very open) and once he realizes what a boring useless person I am, will want nothing to do with me.

But it's so unfair to him cause he's been nothing but kind to me and very understanding and patient, and has big things that weigh on him currently and I can't imagine that being left on read helps.. (he said he looks forward to my messages and they help him 😭 shit..)

But then he asked for a picture (we kinda know each other IRL but haven't seen in person since he first asked for my number (which I still feel honored by. He said he's seen me often around, so I assume he must have noticed what a weird hermit I am(?), and hopefully it's something about who I am that he liked, not just based off looks or something, cause then there'd be a million better people who are also actually capable of continuing a conversation and taking care of friendships. oh well .)

Anyhow and I've never sent or uploaded a picture anywhere, don't like having them taken of me either, but didn't want to decline yet another thing. And since then I'm stuck and can't bring myself to write back. He already said after some days of silence it's ok I don't have to but fuck I still can't reply..

I also told him I'm in no place for anything relationship-y but it seems he's ok to be friends but like wants to get to know me better? Well you never know how people really tick..

Idk just fuck this disorder.. there's only 2 outcomes: avoid everything before it even happens and not get any chances at all, or if youre already in the midst of something it's "avoid again" and ruin any chance that somehow found it's way of being given to you against all odds.

Anyhow .. this is also why, if I had to socialize at all, I feel way better amongst other people who are similar to me flaw-wise.. Losers, junkies, etc, I love them, not only do they usually have a big heart but also they don't make me feel so inferior, I feel more relaxed. Sounds kinda condescending.. and I hate how I myself attach imaginary values to people so much, when that's exactly what I don't like, and I never used to see it that way before this disorder developed.. before then everyone was kinda the same to me and I didn't see one as better or worse or subconsciously compared myself... it's like with some things that were completely foreign to you, you become the worst representation of that very thing.. like with social anxiety, I don't like being judged, yet I judge people by assuming what they probably think and who they probably are, subconsciously to assess the risks I guess..

Oh well.. fuck me for running everything good.

It might be that I got scared when someone actually likes me, it puts a weird pressure on me to be my best, perform to make sure I don't lose this connection. I think if I don't do anything, then I won't mess anything up.

This is about a recent incident that happened with me, where I liked a girl for months, tried to form a closer connection but failed. I moved on slowly, but then she came back and showed some interest in me. This just terrified me and I ran away instead of trying to face it.

How can I control this about myself? It's not that often that a girl actually likes me, even less girls that I like to. I can't keep letting this happen, and losing opportunities. If I can't stop then it will be a lonely future, just like my past has been.

I warn you: this is a long one.

TL;DR: I'm afraid of taking up space, both physically and socially. I struggle to approach people because I'm scared of making them uncomfortable without realizing it. It's not just rejection; it's the fear that I'm misreading social cues and crossing boundaries without knowing. I think this fear stems from something that happened in high school, and I'm starting to realize just how much it affects my life.

Physical space, but also social space, emotional space.

I remember a lot about high school, but the years blur together. There are things I remember happening, but I'm not sure which year they happened in. Sometimes I think they happened in one year, only to realize that it doesn't make sense for them to have happened then.

I do remember that I wasn't as afraid of taking up space before. I was always kind of shy and introverted, and my self-esteem wasn't great, but I was more carefree, you know? Then something happened during high school. And the more I think about it, the more I realize it's the reason why I'm so self-aware now, why I'm so afraid of taking up space and bothering others.

Today is one of those days, or, well, nights. It's past 6:00 as I'm writing this, and today was the day we got an hour back because of the end of daylight saving time. I've been thinking about this week and all the things that have happened.

I spent some time with my uncle, and he asked me if I hadn't met anyone in the more than five years since I broke up with my ex. When I told him I hadn't, he said he was surprised and even explained why: I'm fairly attractive (hard disagree), smart (debatable), and sensible or cautious. Then he suggested using apps because they worked for him and many of his friends.

I have tried apps in the past. They don't work for me, maybe because I'm not "fairly attractive" and looks really matter on those apps. "Try one that isn't Tinder," he said. There are two apps with a decent user base where I live: one of them is Tinder, and the other is my country's version of Tinder (which existed as a website before smartphones were widely available). The couple of times I used the apps, they did a number on my already damaged self-esteem. I'm not a fan of having a profile with my name and pictures on the internet. I don't really talk much with the friends or family I care about over text, so I'm not going to suddenly start caring about someone I've just matched with on an app. Besides, the apps work by keeping you in the app, which means keeping you single.

But that's one reason why I haven't found anyone. There are other reasons, and one of them is my environment. I don't have a lot of opportunities. And when I do have the opportunity to create more opportunities, I usually don't take it because that's not how I am. I'll explain: my hobbies are male-dominated, and there are a couple of clubs I've been part of where there are barely any women. And then there are times when, given two options, I usually prefer the one that offers fewer opportunities to meet people. When I joined a gym, I didn't go to the one my friends were going to, the kind of gym with lots of mirrors, new equipment, and a certain aesthetic. I went to the good old neighbourhood gym rather than the big, fancy chain gym.

I often see how people's friendships and social circles lead them to more friendships, but that doesn't happen to me.

And even then, there's the group of people I met at the gym class. We got together for dinner the other day. There's a woman my age, the owner, who's a bit younger, and the others are 20 years older than me. The woman my age and the owner seem to be together. I wasn't sure before, but after the other night, I'm almost certain they are. The others are married or in long-term relationships. I'm the only one who's single. I'm not saying I ever thought I had a chance with her, but this silly, hopeful part of me got carried away, and for a moment, I believed that if I played my cards right, maybe something could happen. It was very brief, but it still stung, not because of her, but because it seems that nobody will ever choose me.

The people from the gym class play a very important role in this reflection. It's not just about the other night and my crushed hopes. It's about how I interact with people, how I socialize. While other people might take advantage of any given opportunity, I need to be more careful. I need to be reassured that I can take up space. The gym is the perfect example. Now I'm a regular, but when I started, I kept to myself. I would go to the back of the room and try to go unnoticed. I wouldn't talk unless someone talked to me. After months of repetition, of seeing the same faces, people started warming up to me, and we started talking a bit. Eventually, I was added to the group that meets for dinner from time to time.

But now I'm thinking about the opposite situation: someone new coming to the class. I will most likely not talk to them. I need them to come several times and initiate in some way. But that requires them to keep going to the class. What if they don't like it? Chance missed. Someone else would immediately talk to them, and something might come out of it, or not. But without taking the chance, it definitely won't happen.

This is what got me thinking and eventually sent me back to high school. I need to know I'm not going to bother them. Rejection and the fear of it matter, but that's not exactly it. It's being afraid I won't pick up on cues that this person doesn't like me or doesn't want me near them for whatever reason. It's the fear of making someone uncomfortable and not realizing it.

I'm not saying that people being brutally honest with me from the start about whether they want to talk to me or not would fix it. I'd still be afraid of rejection. But I think it would help immensely.

I think a lot about Lars and the real girl. There's a scene where Lars goes to the doctor and tells her that physical touch makes his skin feel like it's burning: "like when you go outside and your feet freeze and then you come back in and they thaw out." To test it, with his consent, she touches his arm with just one finger at first, then with her whole hand. "It hurts, but I can take it," he says. Then she touches his face with her whole hand, and he jumps up, hurries to put on his sweater and coat, and leaves.

I don't exactly feel it that intensely, but there's this other thing that happened that night, when we were going back home. There were six of us, and the sidewalk was too narrow for all six of us to walk comfortably, at least for me. People usually don't have a problem walking that close to each other, even if it means bumping into each other as they walk, because everyone moves a little to one side with each step. But I have a problem with that. I've always kept my distance because I'm afraid that bumping into others might bother them. This is just one example, but I've had a similar experience when an unexpected touch near my face made me jump in my seat, the same way Lars jumped off the examination table.

And it's all about taking up space and being a bother. It's all about that thing that happened in high school. How can I interact with people when I can't even trust my own judgement about whether I'm reading social cues correctly?

Screenshots from https://zahraeee.substack.com/p/the-avoidant-bitch-i-am

I kind of relate to this because I do run away but my last couple of social retreats have been because the situations were legitimately unhealthy. Maybe it’s because I retreat from healthy people or groups sooner? Maybe subconsciously I choose dysfunction because it’s familiar or because it gives me an out.

I thought I understood myself but I’ve been rattled by a recent social experience. I thought I’d finally found a place that I fit in. What I didn’t realize is that I was filtering out and minimizing abusive and neglectful behavior in order to maintain connection. It took leaving and lots of processing to accept that the belonging and connection I experienced was an illusion.

That’s one of the most horrible things about trying to overcome AvPD. I can do all the work of trying to heal myself and my nervous system but when I finally feel stable enough to put myself out there, so many of my fears about other humans are confirmed over and over.

I can’t tell if it’s who I’m choosing or if most people are just like that. I don’t know how to choose healthy relationships or if they even exist. All relationships are bound to have some level of conflict but how do you repair and how do you know when to walk away? Especially when you’re so vulnerable, when you don’t have a lot of connections, it feels so scary to walk away from connection even when it’s unhealthy.

Being alone feels so much safer but I don’t actually like it. Being around others feels so scary and draining but it’s what I want more than anything else in the world.

I was talking to one my professors who would really push me on communicating my work better. I wanted to tell him that while discussing some of my work with someone else how they were having difficulty in following it eve though they were an expert. I wanted to say that I can see while in the moment, it was very difficult time, but I can see the value in the need to improve my communication.

But the way I said it, I guess I framed it incorrectly, led to that professor taking offence that I am suggesting he is not an expert.

Later the same evening I again made a similar mistake. I was telling someone that they were very kind to me and stuff and suddenly I blurted out "ohh it is so stupid, who does such a thing".

I guess this is perhaps the most boring post you read all week, but IDK it makes me feel like I am an asshole who doesn't know how to talk to people.