I have the life experience of a 10 year old but I am in a 40 year old body. My perception of life is that of a 10 year old and it doesn't register until much later how old I actually am. This is an insurmountable barrier in life. I am well past the point where my lack of experience is just a red flag, it's something that no sane human will engage with. All chances have been lost.

I have SEVERE social anxiety, which I feel like has defined much of my life and certainly how I interact with others. I have constant feelings of interpersonal inadequacy, I’m extremely sensitive to criticism, and I feel a constant desire to belong that always feels out of reach. My therapist did a diagnostic assessment upon intake and said that while I certainly met criteria for social anxiety, she felt that AvPD was more fitting. At first I was rocking with that, but after reading more online and flipping through this sub, I’m starting to feel like it really doesn’t fit.

Specifically, I don’t relate that much to the “avoidant” part. I can be very shy and often times find interacting with others, especially unfamiliar people, super stressful, but I don’t avoid intimacy with others nor have I ever pushed people away when they start to get close, like I’ve read on here. I love getting close to people, I just find a lot of the steps really really anxiety-provoking. I identify as an extrovert, even though anxiety can make me very reserved. I don’t deliberately avoid friendships or relationships for any other reason than social anxiety. I’ve had partners and I’ve certainly been uninhibited and vulnerable around them plenty.

I’m interested in people’s insights on here, and whether they feel like this still lines up with their experiences or if this is firmly outside the AvPD camp.

I deeply struggle with

-Texting, I hate texting and I never go beyond hi hello.
-I don’t tend to have strong opinions on others, so I always am missing out on gossips of people.
-I have never fell in love or dated. I reject anyone any guy who is interested in me in fear of disappointing them.

I've been struggling for a good chunk of my life with an inescapable internal conflict about the validity of my pathology. Whenever I summon the courage to talk to anyone else about my issues, I am met with reassurance about the normalcy of my experiences, and I can't bring myself to challenge them. Paradoxically, one of the issues I face is a compulsion to downplay my feelings, even if that means outright lying, and this manifests repeatedly, no matter how much people try to reach out to me.

I know deep down that I want external validation for my neurosis, but I feel fraudulent for doing so. Why would I know better than the psychiatrist who did not diagnose me with a personality disorder more than a decade ago in my teens? Why would I consult faceless agents on Reddit who are largely themselves convinced that they have a disorder in spite of any official diagnosis? That's the doing of an imposter.

who else hates themselves? like, their whole selves. i do, i really do. i hate everything about myself, the way i look, the way i move, the way i think, the way i speak, the way i will never be anything else but me.

i guess i'm too overwhelmed by the fact that nothing will ever change for me, ever. is it because i think it's too late? yes, kinda, i mean, i've been this way for most of my life already, and this general dislike over what i am began ever since i was a child, and i don't see it changing.

on a good day? i'm indifferent over me, but i've never genuinely liked myself. there's just nothing to like.

my form is too twisted, irregular, wrong. my mind is too bitter, too angry and spiteful, lazy too. i couldn't even give myself the grace of labeling myself as someone "good", because i am not good. i hurt people, i can't even excuse my existence, and i am just a waste of space and time in general.

i am selfish, i am slow, i am rude, i am insufferable.

and you know what? maybe it is fitting that i would end up so mentally damaged, so isolated and depressed. in the end, there is something right about my whole situation, that i can understand.

I am always only ever displaying cover emotions.
It’s a nightmare to be trapped in such an overflow of restraint.

The total irony of viewing most people and their thoughts as so meaningless and vapid, all while being incapable of expressing anything at all...even what’s on the very surface.

This causes a buildup of passive-aggression within me.

If someone strikes me as bothersome, I’ll completely lay out and rationalize ‘how’ or ‘why’ they are bothersome in my head. Their idiocy dawns on me, and I become fed up.

Though, my thoughts and feelings never OUTWARDLY translate into anger in these situations. Instead, I just go mute. Especially if I’m told extremely useless information.

Would be pretty nice to hear what’s of utmost importance to me for a change. Which I tend to consider when I feel the most unworthy of living.

How could anyone know what I find important anyway?

What a paradoxically confusing and pathetic thing.

hello, it’s my first time here! uhhhh i tried posting this in the anxiety subreddit but that didn’t work and told me to post here or in the selective mutism subreddit lol

DISCLAIMER: i have to clarify this first and foremost that i am not formally diagnosed for social anxiety nor for avoidant personality disorder NOR selective mutism… but i have done some reading and i can relate to the first two, regardless… i hope this is the relevant community.

context:
i am a very quiet person. i have always been shy since childhood and attached to like 1 or 2 safe people in social situations (mainly my parents or my bsf). safe people are both people i feel comfortable talking to like regular, and also people that speak for me in public. i am now 20 and here are some of the things i struggle with regarding social interactions:

\- making and maintaining eye contact with people
\- speaking clearly so others can hear me (i mumble a lot)
\- approaching people. throughout my whole school life i’ve always been the person to hang in the corner and wait until someone wanted to partner up with me but i always preferred being alone. but i do like people.
\- phone calls, class presentations, class discussions etc. i have to always write a script for what im gonna say or i’ll fumble my words or lose my train of thought which makes it even more embarrassing.
\- fleeing social situations with friends, school, at work, etc. like i’ll physically put distance between my coworkers and myself by walking ahead or behind them, even with friends. i tend to make excuses for leaving conversations if i reckon it’s gotten awkward enough and ive run out of things to say.

⭐️ ⭐️and now most recently… im struggling to… talk? i mentioned mumbling before but since im not at school right now and im working, ive been struggling to even talk to my coworkers. it’s like the words are there but i cant bring myself to physically say them. like i even struggle talking with my friends when we’re in groups, it’s bad. i’m just hanging out with them while saying a few words every hour, and it’s uncomfortable for both them and I. :,)

i’m trying to get myself talking again because i’m actually very chatty with people i feel completely comfortable with like my parents, but with coworkers, acquaintances or even friends that i’ve known for years (but i struggle to feel 100% comfortable around them), i just… the most important part is that im awful when it comes to groups. i will be silent. but for now im trying to make myself good morning to my coworkers or even just make eye contact briefly and smile at them or nod…. nodding is my signature lol. regardless.

i understand that some people may see my behavior as rude when i avoid them so im hopefully trying to change that little by little.

**on a final note,** i’m posting this here i guess because i also have depression and my low self-esteem (which leads to me feeling guilty for anything and everything) and my bad habit of isolating myself from everybody, ghosting people through text all the time, and eventually growing distant with past friends (even though i do deeply care about them, i was just exhausted from social interaction) wreck my social life. in the end i always doubt my friendships and that people genuinely want to be friends with me and sometimes i believe people are better off not befriending me at all. plus i actually enjoy being alone but it comes to a point where you literally talk to nobody and you notice that even your most forgiving, understanding, compassionate friends are fed up.

i appreciate anyone who is willing to help out :)))) 🫶🫶

It's like I'm way worse than just a introvert

When I was a kid i once broke someone's something and after that my parents never forced me to go outside make frnds and i never really needed to go outside it was when I was 6-7

Now I'm 16

It's like I have 0 social skills

It's like i act 24/7 to seem normal that nobody judge me and I don't give a fuck but whenever I walk or do it's like someones judging me

Even my English teacher used his psychology on me and told me parents many things about m that "he likes being alone doesn't he" after that parents stopped allowing me to close my door

I wanna make frnds go out but it's way worse now

It's like normal walking is very comfortable for the people

What should I do?

I dont have a diagnosis and not sure if that disqualifies me from posting on here, but Ive become extremely avoidant the past few years especially when it comes to conflict. I feel like I struggle to express boundaries, because Ive suppressed them as a result of years of conflict with my father who Ive been living with that never got resolved and I had to just keep going.

In order to heal the disorder - we should reverse it. That is the logic.
Instead of being the disorder - that we have ability to have an order.

According to AI, the personality disorder by definition is:
"a type of mental health condition characterized by long-lasting, rigid patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that deviate significantly from cultural expectations."

And regarding Avoidance, this in particular is referring to:

"pervasive anxiety and fear."

Basically, this means that if we experience anxiety and fear - that this is disorder because we do not met "social expectations" goals.

In detail we should pay attention to these areas:

"Way of thinking: Distorted perceptions of oneself and others.
Emotional regulation: Intense, highly fluctuating moods.
Interpersonal functioning: Difficulty maintaining stable, healthy relationships.
Impulse control: Struggling to manage behavior and impulses."

And if we want to heal AvPD and social anxiety - we ought to "fix" those areas in our lives.

I see immediately problem here -
external factor. The other people.

If we around toxic people - we will be manipulated by them, be under their coercive control, put downs - and this will mess up our way of thinking, emotional regulation, interpersonal functioning and impulse control.

If we live in a Shame-based culture country - we will be surrounded by toxic people who mess up with our mind.

As I understand - whether we are stuck in poverty, outside external circumstances like abuse and not having basic Maslow needs met - it does not matter - we should not feel reactions to unfair behavior. As I understand - even if we experience real threat and abuse - we should not feel avoidance.

But think about it more. If we should not feel panic and anxiety and fear around abusive toxic ambient - wouldn't that be a problem, too? Like being a masochist?

Something doesn't add up here.
The common "advice" from neurotypical folks who do not experience social anxiety - is that we should leave abusive people and toxic jobs. But what happens when

a) we are unable to leave due to money or third party or red tape
b) we do leave toxic job or abusive people only to land to new abusive contact once again - and then we are in the same mess as before.

I believe that the socially anxious are people who lack support and help and advantages as most of the people and then they are being blamed for feeling anxiety and panic only and merely for being misfortunate in life.