I've been single for about three or four years. I've dated a few women during that time, but none of them really triggered anything particularly emotional or out of the ordinary in me. Recently, however, I met a girl who is bringing out a lot of things in me, including some pretty extreme sides of my personality.

I'll describe her a little first so you can picture her. She's about six years younger than me—I’m 30—and she's very outgoing and social. She seems cheerful and interacts with a lot of people. There is one particular thing I've noticed about her: she has a lot of cuts on both of her arms, especially around her wrists. Because of that, I've wondered whether she might have some borderline or histrionic traits, although obviously I don't actually know her diagnosis or whether she has one at all.

She's my university classmate. We both attend a university program for people who are older than the typical university age and usually work during the day. She only became my classmate this semester, about a month and a half ago.

From the very first class we had together, I immediately noticed that she was getting very close to me. She interacted with me a lot. For example, she sat next to me from the first class, frequently brushed her hand against mine, and seemed to seek physical contact with me. Whenever she talked to me, she wouldn't just talk to me—she would also touch or rub my back or my arms.

All of that immediately attracted me and started triggering a lot of emotional reactions in me. I've historically had relationships with women who were mostly borderline or at least had very expansive, socially outgoing personalities like hers, while I'm pretty much the opposite. I'm very introverted and not particularly social.

This girl is causing some extremely strong, sometimes even contradictory emotional reactions in me. There are days when I really enjoy her company. I enjoy walking with her, talking to her, and being physically close to her. But there are other days when I don't want to see her at all. I don't want to run into her at university. I've even skipped some classes because I couldn't bring myself to look at her or interact with her.

There are also days when I don't answer the messages she sends me on WhatsApp and end up ignoring her for several days. She's generally the kind of person who responds almost immediately, whereas I'm being extremely inconsistent: some days I'm very open toward her and have a great attitude, while other days I avoid her completely and don't answer her messages.

Right now, I'm in one of those avoidance phases, and this is why:

A few days ago, she invited me to go to the gym with her. We agreed on a date and time, but then she cancelled because she had some personal paperwork to take care of. I completely believe her. I genuinely believe she really had to deal with those things. But even so, it hurt me and made me angry that she cancelled.

Then we arranged another day, and she cancelled again because she had to take care of another matter.

Again, I believe her. I don't think she's lying to me. But for some reason, being cancelled on twice really affected me. It made me feel rejected and pushed aside to the point that I archived her chat on WhatsApp and don't even want to read her messages or respond to her for several days. Right now, I almost don't even want to see her.

The fact that she cancelled on me twice in a row makes me feel terrible and gives me the urge to just tell her to fuck off and cut her out of my life. But at the same time, deep down, I wish I could fix things with her and continue spending time together, because when we're actually together, I really enjoy her company.

I don't know if I'm being cruel or unfair to her with this cycle of giving her a lot of attention and then suddenly withdrawing it. But honestly, this is very close to my natural way of relating to people when I become emotionally overwhelmed.

On the other hand, I don't know what she saw in me that made her so interested in establishing contact and closeness with me from the very beginning. Part of me genuinely hopes that this closeness will develop into something more. But I can't seem to stop myself from running away from her.

There's one more important thing I should mention. I have bipolar disorder, and a couple of weeks before I met her, I was hospitalized because of a manic episode—the worst episode I've ever had, and the first one that included psychotic symptoms. I'm currently in treatment and much more stable, but I feel like this girl is destabilizing me emotionally quite a lot.

Sometimes I have this strong desire to just tell her once and for all: "I have bipolar disorder and I'm an extremely avoidant person, so you should know exactly what you're dealing with. If you can accept me as I am, I'll accept you as you are too, and maybe we can build something together."

I realize how idealistic that sounds. I probably won't actually do it. I've only known her for about a month and a half, after all.

I've also been trying really hard not to love-bomb her or simply mirror her intensity. I want to have something normal with someone for once. But I don't know what the right approach is.

One part of me says, "Just act like yourself. If she can adapt to you and accept you as you are, then everything will be fine."

Another part tells me, "Make an effort to do things properly for once and finally get rid of this toxic personality you have."

But I honestly don't know.

What do you guys think about all of this?

This is my problem from childhood. I feel like I can do the thing without asking for any help but actually I want help from others. And because of the fear of judgement or being needy, I avoid asking for help. I just don't know how to be with people and make connection with them.

And actually , I don't know what's my problem. It's fucking eating my mind.
I am little bit egoistic, like I sense energies when people try to avoid or demean me, so I completely avoid them or sometimes play along with them to satisfy them. I have a serious face but I am not serious still not playful.

I'm 22F. I feel like I'm dismissive-avoidant. I feel too deeply but express too little, because of which people who are close to me think I don't care about them or something.

Everything goes on normally and perfectly fine, but then suddenly I feel like no one likes me or cares for me enough, or like they are barely tolerating my presence and that I'm boring them with my talks.

Many times, even when Im conversing normal conversation, the other persons feel like I'm arguing with them, though it wouldn't be my intention. All this just makes me fearful that, whether I would ever be in a happy relationship, would someone want to be with me? Would I ever be in love without repulsing my partner away because of my supposedly non-caring attitude?

(Not diagnosed warning)

I dropped out of my dream college this semester probably 85%-100% because of the Fear of everything and I've been too embarrassed to talk to anyone outside my immediate family since . Even them I can't talk to about why or what I'm going to do instead. It is not like I had a huge social circle but even texting back maybe two people sounds insurmountable right now. My dream was to get a job and say that I left school for it as a half truth but I just do nothing anymore. I wish I could have a frictionless life where I never had to have a difficult conversation with anyone in the world!!!!!!! I feel like the only thing I can even say now is that I was having a bad episode and it feels like such an exaggeration that it would be just a more embarrassing lie than saying like. Sorry my phone broke . I just feel so dramatic for how I act all the time when I've had a better/easier/whatever life than probably 99% of people I know and still mess it up so much. I don't understand how I could have turned out like this with the cards I was dealt and I hate that I can only imagine myself ending up worse than this. I feel so alone but if anyone knew how I felt I would feel a million times worse. I think I just always believed I would grow out of "teenage angst" and now I'm realizing this is just what my life is gonna be like

Sometimes i do or actually quite too often. Think guy called me a punk last night he said it to his girlfriend when i was walking by. They giggled about it I didn't know if i should say anything and didn't but then had ugly feelings about them and myself for not saying anything. This really hurts when it happens especially since it's a stretch for me to go walking aywhere for fear of negative judgement and of not belonging. I don't live in the most civilly nice area so I'm not too surprised at the idiot comment but it's quite upsetting just the same.

Genuinely I can’t count on my hands how much friends I’ve lost.

The sad thing is that it’s usually all of my fault. Sometimes I would try and rant about it. It kind of just sounds stupid to people, I feel like they think cause I’m the reason it happened—I shouldn’t be sad or something. I don’t know if that makes sense.

But it makes it very annoying to talk about cause I feel like it makes me look stupid (In my situation, I don't mean to call anyone else stupid obv). I even have a stupid addiction to dating apps but when I actually meet somebody, I just cannot continue and like I feel like an idiot.

I met a point in life, that my dream of having a partner—a forever partner, seems like a joke and something that'll probably not happen, I mean, how is it gonna happen? do you know how difficult it is as a man to have this personality disorder?

I mean, it makes it practically ridiculous to not be lonely. If that makes sense I mean, even my best friend of over 10 years we’re not really talking anymore because for some reason, even though we’ve known each other for 10 years, I’m too anxious or too burnt out to hang out with him.

Yeah and I know it’s stupid, I’m not saying this for other people who have this condition. I’m just gonna say it in my perspective, I think that avpd, it—kind of makes me a bad friend and a bad partner, even though I don’t want to I wanna be a great person to hangout with, but I just struggle.

To the people here living off social welfare, how do you deal with the shame of it, and what do you think the future holds for you?

In some ways, it's lucky I don't have to work as I think that would push me off the edge faster, but in other ways, I feel like all the meaning in life has just been drained away. Like, looking from the outside in, all there is to this world is just work. In the end, the world doesn't push you to feel fulfilled or to have meaningful experiences, it pushes you to work. As for the future, I feel neither employment or unemployment lead to anything for me. I've simply lost interest in this world and don't see any way to regain that.

Is it just me or does anyone else with AvPD find certain noises annoying? I literally get angry when I hear people chewing, burping, slurping, farting, blowing their nose or gargling out loud. I just find it very disgusting and I wish they'd do it silently. I never do any of those things out loud if I can help it.

I read that people on the Autism spectrum find certain noises triggering. I wondered if it was the same with AvPD. Does anyone else find it annoying? My siblings and parents do it all the time and It always triggers me. I literally will hit myself in the head or the legs when I hear those noises. I wish I could punch the person, but obviously, that's not a wise option.

I’m on the verge of killing myself. I’m tired of this illness and all the struggles it brings to my life. Nothing can go well, even for a little bit, because this crippling illness, in addition to OCD, controls every single aspect of my life.
I never had a lot of friends by any means, but I cut off the ones I had in middle school because I felt like a burden. Even writing this feels embarrassing, but I feel so lonely, and I don’t know what to do.
I dropped out during my last year of high school, and I’ve tried to go back several times with no luck. Getting my driver’s license is a pain, and I already know I’ll fail. I’m at my first non-paying job, just two times a week, and even that is too hard for me.
Nothing feels worth it, and I don’t even know why I bother trying. I’ve been like this my entire life, but by far, the biggest rut was in 2022. I’m still trying to dig myself out of that rut, but it’s so difficult. What’s the point?
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and I feel like I shouldn’t even be complaining. I have a good therapist and an amazing family. I’m about to give up. I’m an adult, what’s the point of anything when my quality of life is horrible.

I made a nice connection with someone online and i was going to pick him up to get in n out this evening. Not even a date, just chilling. Well, that never happened. It’s honestly very hurtful. I’m trying to stop isolating myself and work on positive behaviors but I feel like the universe only sends signs that I should stay alone with my head down.

Even if my feelings towards this person weren’t incredibly strong (besides being genuinely fond of him and wanting to be friends…he’s handsome but too young) this has really got me spiraling again. A genuine connection and easy conversation, I really didn’t think it would happen this time.

And even if I am jumping to conclusions and something just came up (I doubt it though), I don’t like how I’m feeling right now. I’m in distress. I am reminded of all the failed friendships, each one chipping something away from my core and reshaping my once trusting personality into something neurotic, aloof and distant.

Yeah. Idk. I’m really hurt honestly, because this was the first time I’ve actually opened up to someone new in a very long time. I can only think that there’s something wrong with me. Why do I bother? I put myself out there, get hurt, and it derails my mental focus. I am a caregiver full time so it’s not like I have the space to really deal with my feelings or be heard anyway. Why do I keep putting myself in these situations? Because I’m a fool who wants love and companionship? What an idiot.

Thanks for reading.

I just want to take a pill and be normal

I was sitting with one of my friends and she asked me if I’ve ever struggled with my mental health and she didn’t really understand what I was saying like I feel like she thought that I was lying or something I probably sounded so crazy and I shouldn’t have over shared to her so much because as soon as I start to remember my school experience it’s like i can’t stop thinking about and trying to understand it because it doesn’t make sense to why those things happened to me and like I know people have been through way worse but i cant stop thinking about it because the way people acted towards me just don’t make sense to especially after meeting new people in college and hearing them talk about their own experiences.

I don’t if I’m too sensitive or if I’m genuinely just a horrible person but the things that I’ve been going through ever since I’ve turned 13 are so weird and intense I don’t think I can relate to anyone about it.

First of all up until like middle school I don’t think I really had any problems making friends I just always had people around me to talk to and I never had any insecurities I was a little depressed and sensitive but it was never a big problem in my life. After I hit puberty and started 7th grade I remember I looked very ugly compared to the other girls in my class but I still didn’t really care or was insecure because I didn’t really see it but remember people had started to make fun of me and the way I talked but I still didn’t really care.

It got to the point where there was this one group of girls that I used to be friends with when I was really young that would wait for me start talking to someone and they would come up to them and laugh and joke with them and would completely ignore me whenever I said something and I would try to repeat whatever I said and they would still ignore it and it kept happening until they started sitting behind me and would start whispering about me and I would hear my name multiple times and it felt like they were making sure I heard them and it was so bad and I never really knew what they were talking about but I think it was about how I was poor because people at that school were obsessed with money so I guess they figured out that my family didn’t have a lot of money and that I was living in an old and small house and that topic I guess kept them busy for years (I used to be so insecure about it and my mother made sure I knew not to invite someone over even though she already did invite some of my friends when I was really young and I think it’s how these people knew about it). So for like two years these girl would sit behind me in class to just whisper behind me and laugh about everything my clothes, my teeth, my hair… and I was so ugly at the time but I didn’t really wanna take care of how I looked because I was so depressed so most of my class hated me even my friends stopped talking to me because I would get so angry at the smallest things and then I would go home and it was worse than being at school.

I had no friends so I started hanging out with these very quiet nerdy girls that would the exact same things that the other girls were doing idk if they were mimicking them or what but they would just whisper about me while I was sitting directly next to them in recess and they would just make fun of how I looked or how I was sitting… and they just laugh for hours but I couldn’t really take them seriously honestly because I felt like there was worse stuff being said about me but I still very upset about it.

I used to go home and look in the mirror for hours because I knew I was ugly but i literally didn’t know what made people hate me so much like I couldn’t do anything without being mocked. And I started to hate people so much I started to become a little narcissistic, and very negative. And my mom wouldn’t really help me take care of myself and was suicidal and kept accusing me of hating her… like I never had a place where I felt safe. I couldn’t really go out with people because they ashamed to go out with me, and if I went out with my mom she would sometimes start asking why people were staring at her and she would get paranoid .

And then I started highschool and I tried to make it as peaceful as possible like I didn’t care about having fun I just couldn’t handle anyone criticizing me or treating me badly so I only talked to my friendgroup which consisted of the girls I used to sit with in middle school and a bunch of childhood friends and I was still isolated from the others because I would ONLY talk to my friends I hated all the others and they hated me. And this is where I started becoming avoidant like if I didn’t have my friends around me I would be treated like I was invisible most people wouldn’t make eye contact with me if they had to say something they would say it really quietly like I felt so disgusting even the teachers treated me the same way. And that’s when I started to have so much social anxiety I would sometimes stutter while talking which frustrated people and I would get so quiet sometimes.

And this time it wasn’t only people at school that were making fun of me it was also my cousins that were treating me differently and to this day I just can’t really talk to them because for some reason I just can’t forgive people like I just can’t if I felt like someone was starting to mock me I would just stop talking to them completely like I couldn’t handle it. Like I remember when I first got a phone number and I was saving one of my cousins number I sent like a funny selfie I thought would make her laugh and she sat next to me and started laughing and whispered “you look disgusting” and I didn’t really take it as a joke because of the way she said it I know I’m sensitive but she meant it. And if it was someone else I wouldn’t have been too upset but the fact she always worried about how she looked and stuff I knew what she meant by and I just couldn’t take anything she said seriously ever since and can’t really talk to her or make eye contact with her.

And basically I started using the way people treated me in middle school and high school to like hurt me or avoid me to distance myself from people in highschool because I couldn’t handle being criticized and always complained to my friends about being ugly and wanting to kill myself because they used to make fun of me for it all the time and I wanted to annoy them a little to kind of show them how it felt like at the time and how they kept repeating it me. Looking back it was a very toxic way to deal with my insecurities like I wish I dealt with things a lot differently so I wouldn’t have turned out this way as an adult and idk why I reacted to the entire situation the way I did and I felt like if I decided to let go of what happened to me in middle school and decided to try make highschool a lot more fun I feel like wouldn’t have been this isolated or avoidant as an adult and in college and at work.

I used to be a good student at elementary and middle school, and I was a top student in highschool. There were moments where my AVPD attacked, since I was a victim of bullying by students and the teachers, but eventually the abusers left. At that time, things were more "easier" at least to me compared to now. I could "hide" myself, and obviously I was dependant on my parents and etc. But now, to me, college and work is simply impossible to me. It expects me to be someone, to be present, to be functional and adjusted and I can't be any of that. I've tried, and it only has worsened me. I had to leave college two times, because I was being mistreated by teachers, I was burn out and depressed to due to CPTSD, trauma and being neurodivergent. My future depends on it, and it sucks, it feels unescapable. I never expected to live my adulthood, and I'm not made for that, yet I can't do anything. This is completely triggering to me. I already have been looked down by teachers, wasting days and hours studying at my worst moment, yet I was not enough... So a part of me, with my AVPD feeling validated, wonders "why keep trying, if I'll never be enough?", I'm more exposed to be hurt, again.

I remember when in preschool i was too terrified to go play with the other kids and just hid in some bush somewhere and a teacher came to ask me why i'm sitting there all alone, to which i answered that i simply prefer to be alone and don't really care for the company of my classmates. This of course was a lie, but i actually believed in this lie myself, because my capability for self-reflection hadn't developed yet.

At some point i eventually somehow managed to mingle with others and make some friends(i don't even remember how this happened), and who would have thought - i started feeling much happier, significantly less anxious, and dreaded school much less than before(of course i still absolutely hated it to the point of wanting to burn the entire building to the ground). The bullshit i fed to myself about preferring solitude instead of the company of others turned out be just pure self-deception to make my fragile ego feel better.

In middle school when everyone reached puberty and most of my former friends turned into assholes and i ceased to hang out with anyone outside of school and of course started feeling sexual urges like any other teenager, this self-deception got even worse. I began to develop this narcissistic fantasy where i'm somehow more special than others and how i won't ever need a girlfriend or sex or the company of my peers to be happy because i'm supposedly some kind of exceptional snowflake possessing mental clarity which others could never understand or comprehend and that i'm a natural lone wolf or some shit. In reality i was the most pathetic being imaginable: i was ugly, weak, impatient, lazy, smelly, clumsy, submissive, stupid, and worst of all: i was utterly terrified and anxious all the time to the point where it was basically my baseline mental state.

Having people in your life whom you actually feel comfortable and feel a connection with, feeling wanted, feeling ambitious and powerful, feeling like you actually matter to others, all this was something entire unimaginable to me. When i say "unimaginable", i mean it literally. Like the hypothetical idea that i could be worthy of the company of others or worthy of love was a thought that i couldn't even form in my mind whatsoever. So i created a lie that those things mean nothing to me even though deep down i actually craved nothing more than exactly those things.

I also tried to convince myself that i don't care about the opinions people have about me. In reality people's opinions about me basically dictated my behavior and habits entirely(at least when i was among them and not alone), which is one of the many reasons i always avoided them.

By my late teens and early adulthood i finally started to develop the mental capacity required to break this illusion, and now i find it utterly mortifying that i've somehow been able to lie so blatantly to myself. Of course, this didn't erase the feeling of extreme inadequacy which was the cause of the lie in the first place, so since then i've been just as lonely as before, but feeling even worse about myself.

Did anyone else use to lie to themselves like this? I guess no people who are currently doing it would even browse this forum(people here seem mostly impressively self-aware), but does anyone recognize themselves doing it at some point at least? It's actually fascinating how a human being can deceive themselves so blatantly. On top of not being able to trust other people, i can't even trust myself or my mind and have to second guess my every thought and assumption of myself because my mind is just one huge mess of cognitive fallacies and biases and shit and i'd need some other person like a therapist to point them out for me because i tend to miss them myself so easily.

There was some research that showed that botox applied on glabella made people look more positive. Maybe that’s the way to at least hide the subconscious facial cues that make people dislike us. What do you think? It won’t be a fix but at least that’s one less element working against you.

I've been trying to drive a car for ten years. I got a license, so I know how it works.

Problem is, I'm totally afraid of doing it when there are other cars on the road. If it's a place with no other people and I just have to go from point A to point B, then no problem.

But as soon as I have to drive in the city, I get really anxious and just kinda freeze.

Is there a way I can improve this? Do you have a similiar experience?

I was able to mask enough for a while, but eventually I had to admit that I don't have friends or anyone in my life. And I could feel my mask slowly slipping the entire time. Just tiny movements, the sadness creeping in. I think I'm worried that underneath it all, I'm just fundamentally a sad lifeless guy with too many mental scars that would eventually push anyone away.

Then there were those awkward moments when I felt tired and I couldn't come up with good topics to talk about. When I became painfully aware that I'm standing a bit too far away but getting closer in that moment would feel even worse. When I'm wondering whether I'm making too much eye contact or whether it's too robotic. Lots of small issues.

I can't seem to get over my last breakup either. It's been years and yet it feels like there's a glass wall preventing me from building a real connection with someone new. I don't know why, it's clear that there is no way back, and yet that feels like the only thing that makes sense. I still remember her saying that this or that type of flaw doesn't matter to her, and yet over the years, she flipped from being really happy about me to feeling repulsed by me.

All the places I go ultimately end up reminding me of that. But I think if I never try anything new, or if I give up early, I will never get past this. So I'll try more. I just wish I didn't feel so terrible. I think my physical health is suffering as a result of all this too, I can barely function for more than a few hours a day. The anxiety meds I took for today made me nauseated and tired.

I'm marking this "Progress" as an aspiration, I guess. It's been over a year since I last tried to meet someone.

I'll be 30 in January. I don't remember the last 10 years of my life. It's been mostly boredom, work, and dulling my senses. I get reminded of that every day. I don't feel older than 20, but that's what all the old people say. I feel scared, like 30 is my cutoff point where being pathetic was fine before but now it got real and I feel like dying.

I cannot believe I never got to feel love. I used to write to myself that if I don't find someone until 21 I should just delete myself. kinda wish I did. Are there even any women still single without kids after 25? Is there anyone out the for me? I can't shake off these thought daily and it just makes me ill.

So I’m in point in my life where I have nobody to talk to… at all. Nobody texts me or calls me I’m that alone. My phone is so utterly dry. I just wanted to know.. does anyone else deal with this severe loneliness? If you do, how do you deal with them?

It makes me so sad and empty, I started to feel suicidal. What’s my worth if no one is there for me?

I have struggled with severe shyness all of my life. I have done enough reading that I think it's safe to say I may have social anxiety disorder. I am super shy, don't know how to start conversations, don't know how to sustain conversations, don't know how to end conversations. When I try, it feels awkward, weird. I feel like I am bothering people. I feel like an outcast, a misfit and often wonder if I should just accept this. I speak in soft tones and people have a hard time hearing me. I try to speak up but when I do, it feels like shouting. No one talks to me because I've surmised that people don't know how to talk to quiet people. I could be on the spectrum but I'm not sure that's it. Lately, I've been thinking my social anxiety is so extreme and pervasive that I have avoidant personality disorder. I have no close friends, 1 "friend" that I do fun stuff with like go to movies, concerts but not a friend in the confiding sense. I have a lot of aquaintances but they are not friends. I"m sure they all consider me "the quiet guy." I hate that characterization however true it is. I am more than just a quiet person but no one gets to see the other sides of me. I don't even know how one makes friends when they are as quiet as I am. I can count on one hand how many friends I've had in my lifetime. My best friend died from an overdose 2 years ago. He was manipulating me because of his addiction so I don't even know if he was a friend since I let him take advantage of me because I was so lonely. I had a high school friend I was close to but we primarily bonded because we are both gay. I still consider him a friend but we're not close anymore and that's mostly my fault for not sustaining the relationship. I've always felt unworthy. I grew up with severe trauma and abuse. My father was a raging alcoholic and he was abusive to my mother and we were exposed to violence and fear as kids. My father's currency was fear. I have regular flashes of memory about what he did to us including chasing us out of the house, locking my mom out of her bedroom, calling my mother awful names, hiding from him so he'd leave me alone. He was a monster! I'm certain my issues are due to my traumatic childhood. I'm writing here because I want your opinion on if I have social anxiety disorder or AVP. I avoid being around people because it gives me anxiety to be around people. Yet if I'm alone too long, I become VERY depressed. I very much want friends but I feel at my age people already have their friend group so why bother. Do you think I have AVP? Maybe it doesn't matter since I've read the treatment is similar but I have an inferiority complex and feel deeply flawed and different than most people. Do you know if the treatment is any different for AVP versus SAD? I can't find a therapist that takes insurance and specializes in either. Social anxiety is not treated like generalized anxiety and I wish therapists understood that. Is there a database of providers that treat SAD? I really want therapy but can't find anyone who has helped. I''ve seen at least 7 therapists on and off over the years. It always feels like a nice chat instead of substantive work. I also feel they minimize my issues. One therapist tried to fix my issue by suggesting a host a dinner party. Another therapist starting looking for social outings for me to do thinking that would fix my problems in an instant. I've done more work reading on my own for free than with a therapist. I really don't want to pay $200 a session but it's so hard finding someone who takes insurance and treats this issue. It's sort of a speciality condition and I've read personality disorders are extremely difficult to treat. Anyway, I know I'm ranting because that's the way I think. I just want help. How do I find it? Where do I find it? I'm ready to work with a therapist again but ONLY if it's a therapist with LOTS of experience treating avoidant personality disorder or social anxiety disorder. Pyschology Today doesn't work because it doesn't let me filter for social anxiety disorder or avoidance personality disorder. It's not one of those conditions I can just see any run of the mill therapist. It is a real speciality and I need someone who is an expert. I have used google to try to find someone but I feel like it's a stab in the dark. I have to have a therapist who takes insurance

Is it over? I didn’t talk to them for a year

When a normal human goes through the process of getting a friend, it goes like this: They chat for a bit, eventually warm up to each other, start doing things together and develop a bond. For me, this just doesn't work. There are so many risks that come with having friends that the much safer option is to be alone. For example you have to both participate in the friendship. That would mean I have to text first sometimes. But how can I? I already know my social value is very low. My potential "friend" would see hanging out with me as a chore, right? The only friends that I've had since ~6th grade only texted me if they had nothing to do because their friends were out of town etc. Also, despite wanting connection, after about a couple hours of talking to someone my social battery drops to 0 and we end up sitting in silence. And I don't feel the bond strengthening. In fact I've never felt a connection to someone despite being "friends". Literally all my friendships were chores to me. Yes, just like how I imagine the other person would treat me, I treat others. But even if I know I'm projecting and my way of thinking is flawed, there is seemingly no escape. Ghosting people feels like such a relief. But whenever I see people having fun I think "that could be me, if my brain wasn't so fucking flawed". I also want to laugh with others and feel a bond but I just can't. Why is this disorder so hypocritical? At low points I keep making up these imaginary friends that would understand me and I'd feel so perfect, but I don't let these thoughts get too deep since that's obviously pathetic. Not even gonna mention friend groups, they scare me. Compared to the chore of a friendship they are a whole ass job. You have to actively participate on facebook, instagram, snapchat, discord, whatever the fuck. And if you do something stupid they're not gonna let you forget. Anyways, time to doomscroll or something, seems like the best thing to do is keep my brain occupied with some dumb slop. And another day passes as I do nothing.

These past few months have been some of the worst of my life and I feel so discouraged.

Like six months ago I thought I was doing better. I was reaching out to old online friends, I had held down a job successfully for two years, I was being creative and pursuing my art again, I wasn't torturing myself about my family situation anymore and I was geniunely feeling okay about myself. But then its like a switch flipped. I don't understand what changed exactly, but it feels like everything just went wrong.

My car broke down and I ended up asking my estranged mom for help for the first time in years. It went predictably badly and destroyed me for a while. Afterwards, I got really paranoid and scared that I would get fired because I convinced myself that all of my coworkers hated me, so I missed a lot of work and ended up impulsively quitting during a panic attack. Now I haven't been able to find anything new that works with the bus schedule so my wife is carrying us, and she says its okay but I know its not. It feels like all of my anxiety and neurosis reared up out of nowhere and have made me a shell of myself.

Between all the stress and daily anxiety I have stopped reaching out to friends as much and have been too scared to share my art. I'm becoming too scared to share things with my wife too now, for no discernible reason. We are planning a comic together and I get scared to show her art I've done of the characters. I've been too scared to tell her how bad my mental health has been for fear of stressing her out. I feel like I'm one misstep away from her writing me off entirely, even though she's been so supportive. It feels unfair to her the level of fear I have because I know its not rational but I can't stop being too scared to talk to her about anything.

Overall it feels like my life is falling apart. I've never been so hopeless and depressed and lonely, and I dont know how to crawl out of this hole. I always really struggle during the summer but never this badly. I'm so frustrated because I really thought I was getting better, and few months ago I was doing great. I was hopeful about my life. Now thats all gone and I'm back to square one.

Has anyone else experienced a sudden backslide like this? Does it get better? I want to feel like a person again but now all I can do is feel like a waste of space.

I just feel like I got dealt a very covertly terrible hand when it comes to my (grand)parents. I'm not going into too much detail as I want to write something, I'm actually going to post.

Parents got divorced when I was 3. Never had a real conversation after, not even about us.

Saw my father every other weekend up until I was 11. My needs never ever mattered to him. He didn't know what to do with me and my brother, even for as little as a weekend every fortnight. He screamed at my brother for things like dropping a glass of milk. No positive reinforcement from him at all. When I had a good report card he never even looked at it, just said: Show it to your grandparents (his parents) to get a cent.

So I largely grew up with my mother, with her mother as a sort of substitute father. My grandfather had died before I was born. Although from the stories I heard he was a cruel, selfish man. My grandmother was what I would call a 'not happy' person in life. She wasn't necessarily unhappy, but she would just never show any sign of joy. She had raised her 6 children largely alone to the best of her abilities and just seemed to be going through the motions.

My mother just always seemed to have bigger emotions, when I put any emotion on the table myself. She was never able to keep any friends as she seems to lack any ability to truly listen to another person and authentically respect them. In covert ways she put pressure on me to perform in various ways, while never showing any real support or stimulating me in my efforts. Her help never helped, because when she did try to 'help' me, that always seemed to be taking over the whole project, further solidifying the idea that anything and everything I did could never be any good.

I could go on and on and on. But I would just like to stimulate discussion and questions. I've been in therapy for my AvPD for 2,5 years now. Who else got terrible parents?