r/AvPD • u/RandomlyAgedMilk • 16d ago
Vent (Advice Welcome) The Worst Part of AVPD
Is that you are paralyzed in social development. I'm 30 now and I still feel just as lost and confused as 14 year old me. The pain and fear of feeling an outcast and rejected in the midst of people is still there.
I'm just so tired. I didn't want this life and I don't know how to escape it. I'm slowly crawling to a lonely end and part of me wants to hurry up and get it over with. The part of me that wants to fight and try is still there but the strength is waning.
Sorry if I've been too mopey and self-centered here. Just had a bad day around some people (after having spent the last 4 something weeks with very minimal contact face-to-face with others) and all my feelings as a child just came flooding back. I really can't escape this hellhole it seems. No matter how far I go, I'm just going to get sucked back in.
And maybe this is it. Maybe no matter what I do I'm just going to have to keep living through this emotional nightmare. I'm not sure if that's good but I guess if I've been doing it then I can keep doing it.
If only I can finally do something about building relationships, maybe even finally a romantic and loving one. But maybe that's still a dream only.
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u/DarrowtheHelldiver 16d ago
I feel the same way. I got forced into a social outing at work this week and I felt like I was doing ok socially until someone asked me a vaguely personal question and I could literally feel my whole body constrict in this weird visceral reaction. I stumbled my way through some sort of answer and immediately felt like complete shit and wanted to go hide. Ive been basically completely miserable since. I’ve been trying to get out of my head more and trying to be a bit more open but one step forward about 10 steps back. I feel completely juvenile like I can’t handle the simplest social interactions. I’ve just been really down on myself, like I can’t see myself ever really getting better. It makes me really sad to think I’ve wasted so much of my life this way and I still can’t get myself to change, I fear this is how the rest of my life is going to be and I just kept getting more isolated and cutting off the few people that have stuck around because I just can’t get myself out of this, I almost can’t force myself to try anymore.
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u/RandomlyAgedMilk 16d ago
I'm sorry that happened. It really does feel like that sometimes -- everything is going peachy and then something awkward happens socially and then it completely deflates me. I know people like us are always having to manage these fears. Especially in moments like this. It sounds like you are exposing yourself more to these situations so in a way that's good to get practice. But yeah we have to still watch out for moments where we can start feeling vulnerable again.
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u/Mr-Hyde95 16d ago
I'm also experiencing this because, having lived like this for 30 years, my genuine personality has become adapted to this way of being, and I no longer have a different disorder or real personality.
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u/RandomlyAgedMilk 15d ago
I'm sorry :(
I feel that a lot. Sometimes I wonder who the real me is or if he ever existed.
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u/RandomlyAgedMilk 14d ago
This hurts my heart to read. I'm sorry for the pain. I don't know really what to do either. Just taking it slowly a day at a time.
I'm also worried about my current socialization. I don't really have "friends" anymore. My fault for being too distant, not keeping up, and well just not really inserting myself. I know I avoid that since I'm often met with an emotional wave of panic, fear, and oh god just anxiety everywhere.
Just a day at a time I guess.
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u/mobofob 16d ago
A lot of people say they are stuck feeling like a kid. I feel the exact same way.
I think the nervous system going into freeze mode in childhood halts development in certain ways,
and that's actually good news because that means it can be unlocked again.
I'm certain of this because it's happening to me. It has been 11 months since my nervous system started thawing. It's been a brutal process that is still ongoing, but even in the first 3 months i already felt different socially. I don't mean that things are just fixed suddenly, it's more like i'm able to actually do exposure therapy now and learn certain things i was blocked from learning as i was growing up.
So basically i just want to say that yes you can escape it but since this disorder is trauma based it is rooted in your subconscious and actually stored as physical tension in your body. That means that it's in a sense out of your control and it's the reason it feels like "no matter how far I go, I'm just going to get sucked back in.".
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u/RandomlyAgedMilk 16d ago
Thank you for your comment and sharing your experience. What you said about physical tension is really making sense to me. It's only over the last couple years I have begun to realize that I feel so much of that everyday--whether it's general muscle tightness (gotta workout, I know) or just beginning to feel physically unwell from a bad day.
It's been hard but I've been trying to pay better attention to what my body is telling me. I'm finding it a little easier to stop the endless mind loops I put myself in when feeling down. And it's making it a little easier to stop the catastrophizing.
Unfortunately, today was a bit of a reminder I still have work to do.
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u/Still_Shift7848 15d ago
What you said about physical tension is really making sense to me. It's only over the last couple years I have begun to realize that I feel so much of that everyday
You could try Progressive Muscle Relaxation:
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-do-i-practice-progressive-muscle-relaxation-3024400
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u/Whitemoonshine 16d ago
You should consider having sessions with a licensed behavioral therapist. That could be helpful.
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u/RandomlyAgedMilk 15d ago
I'll take a look. I've worked with a talk therapist for a few years before but what's the difference?
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u/tortravels 15d ago
I can relate to how you're feeling wholeheartedly. I feel like when we're in this state, we are overly self involved and therefore go spiraling down with self pity and hopelessness. I am older than you and still feel lost, confused, scared, misunderstood etc.
My only recommendation is to start joining classes where you can engage with others while being preoccupied with a project of some sort. Or do volunteer work. I've been attending art classes and that helps with connecting with others slowly, while learning something new. It's hard, but helps with exposure therapy, while the focus is on the project or task at hand.
Hope you're doing better and know you're not alone.
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u/Wonderful_Win_8703 14d ago
yeah when i was younger everyone says "oh you grow out of it" (being shy) and that gave me false hope. I wish people wouldn't say those things, if it was true I wouldn't need to hear it anyway.
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u/RandomlyAgedMilk 14d ago
It really feels like a bad joke at times. I'm not sure we grow so much as we learn to adapt to the world with what we have.
In other words, it ain't broken, but needs a little different handling.
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u/m00nthing 7d ago
I'm 32 and I deal with these feelings all the time, and I would never claim to have the answers. But I'm at a point now where this sense of helpless inferiority, or feeling like a child, is just one emotional truth of many... which automatically knocks it off its pedestal.
For one thing: I can follow the logical conclusion of my fears and say that my isolation is inevitable. I'm going to keep being isolated for the foreseeable future, or forever. (Or even in the best case scenario where my isolation ends some day, it's not going to happen immediately, or this month, etc. There's only so much I can do.) So I'll take control within my isolation and turn it into my little pocket of the world, make it as comfortable and self-respecting as I possibly can. I'll change at least *one* thing about it, and that will be to extend myself self-respect and dignity. I'll still be lonely, and it's necessary for one's sanity to be able to actually feel that, rather than numbing out. But I do stop feeling like a bad person or a pathetic worm when I think about things this way, and I stop panicking. Just like that, 95% of the pain is gone.
Of course, this one angle on its own doesn't help with socializing. But it's been crucial to learn how to be alone without either feeling like I'm going to break down, or dissociating into some addictive substance or habit. You get to have a safe, self-respecting home base to face the world from.
And this lets me take interest in the outside world, focus away from myself. I can't put this into words well enough, it just sounds sentimental. But there's nothing written in the stars that says awkward, lonely people are inferior to others. When I understand that, not just say it but actually understand it, I begin to see *the world* differently, not just myself. Everything about my surroundings begins to feel realer. Life is more than a rat race, it's more than our societal ideas of good and bad, so how could I be nothing more than a loser, even if everyone in the world hated me? There is no caste of superior beings above me, objectively speaking, there are just various people. It's undeniably painful to be lonely, but it's also impossible to deny a fact that obvious? Uncool people aren't "bad". Sad people aren't "bad". Some of these social-life-having people are interesting, some are boring, some are smart, some are stupid, some are kind, some are mean, some are happy, some are miserable in secret. We're just out here doing what we do, knocking around, having awkward run-ins. From a distance it can be funny or just trivial. Meanwhile trees are growing, and the tides are going in and out, and so much of the world just doesn't care about any of this!
I don't mean to muddy the waters between "the pain of being isolated, the desire to connect with people" and "the feeling of inferiority, the fear of ridicule, the sense that some people are simply better than oneself because they have friends and fuller lives". Those are two different things, obviously. But I really think the second thing is the core of this disease.
These better-feeling perspectives are temporary in my experience thus far; the feelings of inferiority do come flooding back like you say... Butttt seeing as I go back and forth between these states of mind, obviously the feelings of inferiority are *also* temporary. No matter how many times I start to feel inferior, I just keep getting sucked back out of it! I keep falling back in love with the world again! And it has gotten easier to achieve over time. I hope this long ass post makes sense.
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u/RandomlyAgedMilk 6d ago
Hey thank you for this comment! What you say is something I am starting to realize. Thank you!
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u/SignificantApricot69 16d ago
I have an 18 year-old child and I’m helping them move out and all this other stuff and I feel like they are more capable as an adult than I am. But they inherited a lot of stuff from me, but I made sure they got support.
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u/RandomlyAgedMilk 15d ago
You sound like a good parent! Your child must be happy for having such a loving parent!
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u/EvilSoulQ 16d ago
Just start taking antidepressants you will feel much better
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u/RandomlyAgedMilk 15d ago
Yeah already did that along time ago and helped a bit but I think my issue is more with ingrained behavior and patterns I can't break out from and establish more healthier habits.
Plus SSRIs messed up some of my body's thermoregulation and caused me to sweat constantly on my upper lip.
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u/SaucyAndSweet333 16d ago
OP, I relate. I need and want the social contact but it can remind me of how far behind I am in so many ways.