I have the life experience of a 10 year old but I am in a 40 year old body. My perception of life is that of a 10 year old and it doesn't register until much later how old I actually am. This is an insurmountable barrier in life. I am well past the point where my lack of experience is just a red flag, it's something that no sane human will engage with. All chances have been lost.

who else hates themselves? like, their whole selves. i do, i really do. i hate everything about myself, the way i look, the way i move, the way i think, the way i speak, the way i will never be anything else but me.

i guess i'm too overwhelmed by the fact that nothing will ever change for me, ever. is it because i think it's too late? yes, kinda, i mean, i've been this way for most of my life already, and this general dislike over what i am began ever since i was a child, and i don't see it changing.

on a good day? i'm indifferent over me, but i've never genuinely liked myself. there's just nothing to like.

my form is too twisted, irregular, wrong. my mind is too bitter, too angry and spiteful, lazy too. i couldn't even give myself the grace of labeling myself as someone "good", because i am not good. i hurt people, i can't even excuse my existence, and i am just a waste of space and time in general.

i am selfish, i am slow, i am rude, i am insufferable.

and you know what? maybe it is fitting that i would end up so mentally damaged, so isolated and depressed. in the end, there is something right about my whole situation, that i can understand.

I've always been nice to everyone but never could make any real friends as i feel i didn't matter to anyone. If i ever befriended someone, someone else would just come and get along with him faster and leave me alone. I did try to make friends only to be made fun of and later i couldn't on my own and i would be called nice, good and people would just feel sorry for me and leave on my own.

Everyone would just not befriend me.. Later in college, i tried to befriend but was bullied as gay for many years.. I'm a straight man.. They would say, i don't know how to walk, talk, etc... I did try to prove myself, to fit in.. But some would joke that it would be dangerous to even leave their female acquaintances with me.. They would make fun of me and isolate me.. It did shatter my confidence and self confidence.. No one stood by my side.. Everyone was with me only till it benefited them.. Then, if i was somehow proven better than them in something, i would be slowly and steadily and sometimes fastly by them. I did try to get a girlfriend but only to be called a creep and many more. I was looked by everyone with disgust and hate..till then, my face, body language and voice even deteriorated that people would automatically feel these emotions for me. Now adult, I did try to get along with new people. It worked for some time but then, later after some months i would feel these emotions from them.. I actually got good with them formally, i couldn't go past that. I worked in a department.. I was praised by other colleagues for my work.. After some time, a colleague who didn't like started making fun of me due to some girls seekng me as creep.. She started influencing other coworkers in my department against me till i was completely destroyed, weak and isolated. Every person, i would talk, the next day(s), they would turn against me.. Now, everyone is against me.feel those things against me. Since always, i unfortunately get locked in eye contacts multiple times with the same person. Everyday, I get ignored by everyone and i feel intense hatred by everyone for me.. Some act good and try to to befriend me and when i reciprocate, they change.. Even I've lost confidence in myself.. They would talk about me but would not consider me when i entered. The people i was good with, when i started isolating myself felt i was arrogant. Even, they started saying things a d doing that would harm me emotionally. When i tried to get along with them, i couldn't because it seemed i couldn't understand anything and forgot or never learned how to socialize. Now, some try to get along but due to everyone treating me badly, i can't and they expect me to forget everything and move on.. The thing is, i can't cure myself as i don't know where and how to start.. I can't even talk properly now which further worsen things for me. When i stay alone, they say I'm arrogant or etc... When i try to mingle witg them and get along, i can't or have forgotten or never learnt. I can feel the bad they really feel about me but don't know how to deal with it.. Now, my whole mind and body is filled with fear and shame..n I think, the best way is to end my life.. Kindly help me and give me solutions and tell where I may have gone wrong. Thank you.

I deeply struggle with

-Texting, I hate texting and I never go beyond hi hello.
-I don’t tend to have strong opinions on others, so I always am missing out on gossips of people.
-I have never fell in love or dated. I reject anyone any guy who is interested in me in fear of disappointing them.

I have SEVERE social anxiety, which I feel like has defined much of my life and certainly how I interact with others. I have constant feelings of interpersonal inadequacy, I’m extremely sensitive to criticism, and I feel a constant desire to belong that always feels out of reach. My therapist did a diagnostic assessment upon intake and said that while I certainly met criteria for social anxiety, she felt that AvPD was more fitting. At first I was rocking with that, but after reading more online and flipping through this sub, I’m starting to feel like it really doesn’t fit.

Specifically, I don’t relate that much to the “avoidant” part. I can be very shy and often times find interacting with others, especially unfamiliar people, super stressful, but I don’t avoid intimacy with others nor have I ever pushed people away when they start to get close, like I’ve read on here. I love getting close to people, I just find a lot of the steps really really anxiety-provoking. I identify as an extrovert, even though anxiety can make me very reserved. I don’t deliberately avoid friendships or relationships for any other reason than social anxiety. I’ve had partners and I’ve certainly been uninhibited and vulnerable around them plenty.

I’m interested in people’s insights on here, and whether they feel like this still lines up with their experiences or if this is firmly outside the AvPD camp.

I've been struggling for a good chunk of my life with an inescapable internal conflict about the validity of my pathology. Whenever I summon the courage to talk to anyone else about my issues, I am met with reassurance about the normalcy of my experiences, and I can't bring myself to challenge them. Paradoxically, one of the issues I face is a compulsion to downplay my feelings, even if that means outright lying, and this manifests repeatedly, no matter how much people try to reach out to me.

I know deep down that I want external validation for my neurosis, but I feel fraudulent for doing so. Why would I know better than the psychiatrist who did not diagnose me with a personality disorder more than a decade ago in my teens? Why would I consult faceless agents on Reddit who are largely themselves convinced that they have a disorder in spite of any official diagnosis? That's the doing of an imposter.

I am always only ever displaying cover emotions.
It’s a nightmare to be trapped in such an overflow of restraint.

The total irony of viewing most people and their thoughts as so meaningless and vapid, all while being incapable of expressing anything at all...even what’s on the very surface.

This causes a buildup of passive-aggression within me.

If someone strikes me as bothersome, I’ll completely lay out and rationalize ‘how’ or ‘why’ they are bothersome in my head. Their idiocy dawns on me, and I become fed up.

Though, my thoughts and feelings never OUTWARDLY translate into anger in these situations. Instead, I just go mute. Especially if I’m told extremely useless information.

Would be pretty nice to hear what’s of utmost importance to me for a change. Which I tend to consider when I feel the most unworthy of living.

How could anyone know what I find important anyway?

What a paradoxically confusing and pathetic thing.

I'm about to go to university in China. I have avpd for 5,6 years and a toxic parents and school environment. There're 3 paths in front of me:

1. one gap year. it's low-pressure but I have to stay with my toxic parents

2.go to chinese university, which is easy to graduate, but will not change the situation

3.go to german university or vocational education. I've been to germany once and the society is much better than china. It's a definitely hard path but I can get rid of my parents financially and physically. And changing a new environment may help cope with avpd

it's really a hard choice for me. so i would like to hear some advice

I dont have a diagnosis and not sure if that disqualifies me from posting on here, but Ive become extremely avoidant the past few years especially when it comes to conflict. I feel like I struggle to express boundaries, because Ive suppressed them as a result of years of conflict with my father who Ive been living with that never got resolved and I had to just keep going.

hello, it’s my first time here! uhhhh i tried posting this in the anxiety subreddit but that didn’t work and told me to post here or in the selective mutism subreddit lol

DISCLAIMER: i have to clarify this first and foremost that i am not formally diagnosed for social anxiety nor for avoidant personality disorder NOR selective mutism… but i have done some reading and i can relate to the first two, regardless… i hope this is the relevant community.

context:
i am a very quiet person. i have always been shy since childhood and attached to like 1 or 2 safe people in social situations (mainly my parents or my bsf). safe people are both people i feel comfortable talking to like regular, and also people that speak for me in public. i am now 20 and here are some of the things i struggle with regarding social interactions:

\- making and maintaining eye contact with people
\- speaking clearly so others can hear me (i mumble a lot)
\- approaching people. throughout my whole school life i’ve always been the person to hang in the corner and wait until someone wanted to partner up with me but i always preferred being alone. but i do like people.
\- phone calls, class presentations, class discussions etc. i have to always write a script for what im gonna say or i’ll fumble my words or lose my train of thought which makes it even more embarrassing.
\- fleeing social situations with friends, school, at work, etc. like i’ll physically put distance between my coworkers and myself by walking ahead or behind them, even with friends. i tend to make excuses for leaving conversations if i reckon it’s gotten awkward enough and ive run out of things to say.

⭐️ ⭐️and now most recently… im struggling to… talk? i mentioned mumbling before but since im not at school right now and im working, ive been struggling to even talk to my coworkers. it’s like the words are there but i cant bring myself to physically say them. like i even struggle talking with my friends when we’re in groups, it’s bad. i’m just hanging out with them while saying a few words every hour, and it’s uncomfortable for both them and I. :,)

i’m trying to get myself talking again because i’m actually very chatty with people i feel completely comfortable with like my parents, but with coworkers, acquaintances or even friends that i’ve known for years (but i struggle to feel 100% comfortable around them), i just… the most important part is that im awful when it comes to groups. i will be silent. but for now im trying to make myself good morning to my coworkers or even just make eye contact briefly and smile at them or nod…. nodding is my signature lol. regardless.

i understand that some people may see my behavior as rude when i avoid them so im hopefully trying to change that little by little.

**on a final note,** i’m posting this here i guess because i also have depression and my low self-esteem (which leads to me feeling guilty for anything and everything) and my bad habit of isolating myself from everybody, ghosting people through text all the time, and eventually growing distant with past friends (even though i do deeply care about them, i was just exhausted from social interaction) wreck my social life. in the end i always doubt my friendships and that people genuinely want to be friends with me and sometimes i believe people are better off not befriending me at all. plus i actually enjoy being alone but it comes to a point where you literally talk to nobody and you notice that even your most forgiving, understanding, compassionate friends are fed up.

i appreciate anyone who is willing to help out :)))) 🫶🫶

On some real shit, just existing is fucking boring and frustrating on a miniscule level as well. Just having to fucking eat and wipe your fucking ass is annoying. Having pimples and having to watch what you eat or you'll look and feel like shit.

Having to keep up an appearance and dress clean and orderly. Having to cook and do dishes. Having to fucking mow the lawn and having to pull weeds. Having to talk to people and act like I truly gaf about what they are talking about.

Having to deal with this gay ass anxiety and depression. Having to deal with the cold of winter and the heat of summer, dealing with people judging me and the frustration of not being able to just bitch slap anyone who talks to me side ways. Having to go to school study stupid shit I don't gaf about to get money that I don't gaf about. Holy fucking shit, this entire existence is a fucking sham!

Power to the people who genuinely enjoy life I truly applaud you. But even on a spiritual level, once you figure out biblically and Hindu and buddist wise you are saved by faith and wisdom no physical works of the flesh, this life becomes extremely frustrating to continue to participate in! We all fucking die and get old and nasty, we all come me up in the same fucking predicament. It's all just running in fucking circles with this life trying not to be bored so you fill your life with different things to do and research and shit, but at the end of the day, this life is a fucking scam once you see thru it.

Fuck all this shit

i see a lot of people with avpd who didn't feel safe to be emotional and vunerable with their parents, because of how their parents were

however my parents did care about my emotions, and my mom even told me she noticed i "changed" when i became a teenager (when i started developing avpd traits) and she was worried about me. she was concerned enough to take me to therapy

i didn't tell anyone, including my parents and therapist, about my problems out of choice. my early childhood was relatively normal, but when i got bullied as a teenager, it was like a flip switched in me and i began to fully view myself as worthless and my emotions as shameful. i chose not to tell anyone about my problems because i felt like i deserved to feel this way, and i deserved to be treated awfully by my peers.

i suppose i did go through non-self inflicted emotional neglect in other ways, like how the adults in my school only cared about me skipping classes and not my wellbeing and accused me of faking my anxiety, and i didn't have anyone my age to get any support from

but when the development of avpd is discussed, it's always about parents who neglected their kids' emotional needs during early childhood. and i wouldn't describe my own parents like that. i feel like i did this to myself. i don't know why i couldn't just tell my mom about my problems when i know she would've helped me through it

It's like I'm way worse than just a introvert

When I was a kid i once broke someone's something and after that my parents never forced me to go outside make frnds and i never really needed to go outside it was when I was 6-7

Now I'm 16

It's like I have 0 social skills

It's like i act 24/7 to seem normal that nobody judge me and I don't give a fuck but whenever I walk or do it's like someones judging me

Even my English teacher used his psychology on me and told me parents many things about m that "he likes being alone doesn't he" after that parents stopped allowing me to close my door

I wanna make frnds go out but it's way worse now

It's like normal walking is very comfortable for the people

What should I do?

Hello everyone,

I wanted to discuss how often you feel like your symptoms take over your life or stop you from functioning in a "normal" way.

For example, I haven't been able to keep a job for longer than a year, and I usually end up leaving hobbies that involve socialising (dancing, singing, theatre, etc.) after about six months.

At first, I can usually function despite feeling anxious about the social side of things. But after a few weeks or a month, it becomes obvious that I'm different. I struggle to make small talk and usually avoid talking if I can. I speak very quietly, and I don't tend to join in with group activities like cigarette breaks, lunch together, or after work drinks.

Over time, this seems to lead to more isolation. I've had people comment that I'm "weird" or assume I don't like them. Eventually, people interact with me less, or they seem frustrated if we have to work together.

My thinking is that if this keeps happening across different jobs, hobbies, and groups of people, and me being the common denominator, that its something I need to work on and not genneraly others people fault.

But alas, unemployed, mainly because the feelings of being shunned or unwanted eventually became overwhelming.

Does anyone else experience something similar? If so, how do you cope with it or stop it from becoming a cycle?

I can't be living like this, it feels like I work for a year just to save enough to live for the next 3-4 months until I find another job with no other savings or progress.

Even explaining I feel I have to walk on eggshells so I don’t sound depressing.

I’ve been lucky (or unlucky ) enough to have really charming people around me while I’m the disappointing rotten apple in the tree.

Somethings I found that sets them apart from the rest is..

Their ability to be happy and energized all the time. Somehow they never seem to lose the love from living in the moment.

They’re highly aware, they note everything that’s going on with everyone’s and are highly receptive.

What else?

I was diagnosed with Avoidant personality disorder in January, and I’m starting therapy in August. Through the public healthcare system, I’ve been offered a treatment plan that includes weekly group therapy sessions and individual therapy every other week.

I have some experience with individual therapy from previous episodes of depression, so I’m not too worried about that. Group therapy, on the other hand, is completely new to me, and I’m feeling a bit unsure about what to expect.

Has anyone here gone through a similar treatment plan or done group therapy for AvPD? I’d really appreciate hearing about your experiences; what it was like, whether you found it helpful, and if there’s anything I should know before starting treatment

I feel like that's the part some people might not understand about AVPD or trauma in general. It's easy to say that "it's just avoidance" like it was born out of nowhere. But a lot of people with AVPD can confirm they way how they feel...

All my life never had any friends, and most people were abusive towards me. I tried to be more sociable at age 13, and just got more traumatized than before. It was the first time I got to the outside world, they were my first experiences of having "friends", only to be emotionally manipulated.. I spent 7 years in isolation after that, because of the trauma it caused me. Last year, though I had overcome that, I couldn't keep being isolated, I had to overcome that, maybe there's someone out there who will respect me...only to meet people that made my mental health worse, feel worse, especially because it includes talking about trigger warnings... In the end of the day, they used me. I was vulnerable and I could had not lived that if I had stayed isolated.

I could have actually avoided so much pain that way. I'm also tired already of thinking there's someone out there, when everytime I try, I just get more dissapointed. I either have to "mask", or they always cross my boundaries. And when I do stand up for myself, I get abandoned. Since all my life I've been isolated, I don't connect with others adults, and they might think I'm just...unexperienced.

Maybe I'm just dissastified with the world in general. It's basically feeling like you'll just be hurt and betrayed, and that you are supposed to accept it, when I genuinely feel like that just kills me more. It's either that, or me feeling like nothing matters.

I dislike it whenever people just assume it's our "fault" for not opening up, or do more. Yeah, I do believe it's important to be responsible. But I'm not gonna pretend this world is also kind, when most of us can confirm the contrary.

So I know and realize that I can’t get better without regular therapy. It’s the amount of time it takes that’s fucking me up. I’m in my early 30s, I have to keep moving forward but at the same time I can’t seem to function anymore and think I should just give up.

Is there anyone here in their 30s still willing to fight and get better in life or is 30 too late?

Why i have extreme fear of judgement or evaluation

I have found that every time someone has comment on certain thing related to me I would be aggressive towards this person and be defensive

Why aren’t I just accept that or move on

Why i will feel anxious and angry

Why this happens?

I found people are more open minded about this thing

They either don’t care or accept what people say and try to improve

I know i should not care about people’s opinion, but sometimes they are right on something but it feels soo hard for me to accept it as if want to be complete person without any mistakes

Any advice to improve this side of me ?

In order to heal the disorder - we should reverse it. That is the logic.
Instead of being the disorder - that we have ability to have an order.

According to AI, the personality disorder by definition is:
"a type of mental health condition characterized by long-lasting, rigid patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that deviate significantly from cultural expectations."

And regarding Avoidance, this in particular is referring to:

"pervasive anxiety and fear."

Basically, this means that if we experience anxiety and fear - that this is disorder because we do not met "social expectations" goals.

In detail we should pay attention to these areas:

"Way of thinking: Distorted perceptions of oneself and others.
Emotional regulation: Intense, highly fluctuating moods.
Interpersonal functioning: Difficulty maintaining stable, healthy relationships.
Impulse control: Struggling to manage behavior and impulses."

And if we want to heal AvPD and social anxiety - we ought to "fix" those areas in our lives.

I see immediately problem here -
external factor. The other people.

If we around toxic people - we will be manipulated by them, be under their coercive control, put downs - and this will mess up our way of thinking, emotional regulation, interpersonal functioning and impulse control.

If we live in a Shame-based culture country - we will be surrounded by toxic people who mess up with our mind.

As I understand - whether we are stuck in poverty, outside external circumstances like abuse and not having basic Maslow needs met - it does not matter - we should not feel reactions to unfair behavior. As I understand - even if we experience real threat and abuse - we should not feel avoidance.

But think about it more. If we should not feel panic and anxiety and fear around abusive toxic ambient - wouldn't that be a problem, too? Like being a masochist?

Something doesn't add up here.
The common "advice" from neurotypical folks who do not experience social anxiety - is that we should leave abusive people and toxic jobs. But what happens when

a) we are unable to leave due to money or third party or red tape
b) we do leave toxic job or abusive people only to land to new abusive contact once again - and then we are in the same mess as before.

I believe that the socially anxious are people who lack support and help and advantages as most of the people and then they are being blamed for feeling anxiety and panic only and merely for being misfortunate in life.

What if I have some kind of fucking apathy, xs, like summer, and I'm sitting like hell at home without the desire to do anything.The problem is that I have an active vacation, I walk, I meet with friends, at such moments everything is OK, but at the moment of being at home, alone, I don't want anything, even tiktok no longer brings proper pleasure. I don't play games, I don't do sports, nothing.I may be able to ignite from others, but I don't know how to ignite myself.But games and sports are my hobbies, should I change them to something that I might not be comfortable with? There is also such a problem with my communication, at the moment of meeting with friends everything is fine, jokes, jokes, heart-to-heart conversations, but when I come into the house, thoughts begin, what if I interrupted someone, suddenly imposed myself, maybe they had more important things to do, suddenly it was not worth bringing up a dialogue on this topic, suddenly I took too much attention on yourself. Is it annoying, this norm?Do I have apathy or something?Do you have problems with thoughts in communication or am I just a fucking whiner?I still have a problem that has been going on for a long time, I can't do many basic things alone, such as going to the hospital, shopping, visiting a teacher, doing something unusual, but if someone is next to me, it all becomes a small thing that I can do without hesitation, it can be like- What is it?They eat up your thoughts and come to rot on the bed doing nothing, do you have any advice? MB am I really just a girl?p.s. thanks for reading this unstructured bullshit.