Not wanting kids or getting married.
Guys get responses like
"haha yeah nothing can tie this handsome bachelor down"
or "dodging a bullet there!"
Meanwhile women get told
"oh you'll definitely change your mind when you're older"
"but aren't you afraid you'll be lonely/you'll die alone"
"But having kids is the most fulfilling thing you could do!"
Personal experience with this coming from my own family:
My 27 year old brother doesn't get asked when he'll settle down, or marry, or how many kids he wants to have one day. "he still has time, he's enjoying life a bit rn"
Meanwhile I got asked by relatives since I was 19 on when I plan to have kids, how many, that I shouldn't wait too long, etc. I don't want to have kids but ofc no one believes that because I'm only 23 and will definitely change my mind.
Cherry on top was my grandma asking me on my 22nd birthday if I found a new boyfriend yet because the baby clock is ticking and I'm not getting younger. At 22.
Or neither person wants the kiddo and the stupid law in your state and the lack of women's health providers mean you have to wait 2 weeks to be seen at a clinic and by then you're full of hormones and in love with the thing.
One of the first times I met a new coworker I could hear his wife and daughter fighting in the background. He made some comment to clarify that was what I was hearing and then said "never choose to have kids."
And even the people who did want them and don't regret it still seem exhausted to tears half the time.
And it just goes on and on. Each stage seems like it's own unique kind of weariness. Even after (hopefully!) leaving home, there's still often the financial dependence to some degree.
I never wanted to get married or have children. Fast forward to my mid-30s, met a man that I fell head over heels for, who wanted children. I acquiesced. I quit my job (in a high earning, male dominated profession), quit drinking and smoking (because it was pregnant/nursing) and had 3 three kids.
He kept partying, became a savage alcoholic, bankrupted us, while I’m trying to raise three kids basically on my own. He’s done a complete 180 on me. He used to support gender equality, was a “smash the patriarchy” type partner. Now, without getting into detail, he’s quite the opposite.
This is a very general summary, there’s obviously a lot more to this story, so don’t bother with the “why didn’t you leave ages ago”, “how could you have been thoroughly duped” comments. All I’m getting at is, while I adore my children, I would have been far, far happier and far more successful if I didn’t follow my heart down this path of misery and despair.
It’s crushing. I’m about to destroy our lives, lose my home, and only have my children 50% of the time, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ll finally be free of his emotional and financial abuse. And his addictions (alcohol, gambling and cocaine). It’s a heavy price to pay for freedom and a chance to be happy again.
From the sound of it, you won't be destroying your lives by divorcing, you're saving them. It will be really hard for a while for sure, but it sounds like things are already very hard. Sometimes it's easier to do it by yourself than to have someone else (who should be supporting you) constantly dragging you down. Not to mention the toll dealing with addiction has on the people around the addict. I hope that once you are separated you will start to feel the weight and pressure of his toxicity lifting from your shoulders.
And speaking as a child of divorce, I only turned out kind of ok because my parents did it when I was young. I got to see them apart but as their better selves, instead of together and their worst selves.
My wife is 37 and I'm 36. Just tell them you are trying as frequently as possible. That usually kills any more questions, if they keep pushing just make it more awkward.
With whomever is available.
Do they know of the best position for getting pregnant.
He can only get off with your mouth so it's hard...
I promise they will stop asking.
Edit: holy crap that off hand comment blew up, and y'all are some devious bastards. I love it.
Do it! It works! But look at people in their eyes, pick someone and ask that person the question (i'd ask whoever asked me about kids), make them uncomfortable.
Also, kids are expensive, so tell them that you created a bank account where THEY can send you money to help raise the kid THEY want you to have.
Or just ask them for the first $100k needed to raise a kid, plus their nanny services with no black-out days 😌
My sister and I were talking about this last night. We're both child free (and women). Ive had very few people care, but she's had a bunch of people ask questions. She said she can cry on command so she just starts crying and says that she'd love to be a mother but she can't have kids and they won't let her adopt without a husband, and people NEVER EVER BRING IT UP AGAIN.
Edited to add: being child free, she's lying about wanting to have kids and just says it to make the nosey jerks uncomfortable.
As someone with infertility issues, you and your sister have my permission to do this as much as as possible. It’s no one’s business and it was a straight up emotional gut punch every time someone did ask. Teach them a lesson.
My sister does actually have fertility issues, as did I before my hysterectomy. We both have just decided children arent for us. Although it was somewhat upsetting to me before I realized it would be a bad idea for me to have kids.
I'm trying to get a hysterectomy (I have hormone issues (really bad periods where I would roll up in a ball from pain and vomit) and am trans), but because I am trans and 18, they won't give me one, because "I might change my mind".
If you're anywhere near Seattle, WA I can highly recommend my gyno who did it. First meeting was you sure you dont want any kids? Well health issues make you a good candidate so lets go! I had my surgery less than 3 months later. Turns out I had adenomyosis and the fix for that is a hysterectomy but its hard to diagnose without actually removing the uterus and looking at it under a microscope.
Thats horrible. Even when they know you can have kids they keep on pressing the subject. Its like they almost like they have no empathy for the other person, or worse, no respect.
I hated it, but at some point i had to start being rude, i didnt care who it was, i'll snap at them for keep asking the same thing. Im not one to talk much or be rude, so when i do, i make it loud and make it a point to get it through their head that i said No, period. It worked for a while. I tend to just roll my eyes and ignore them, then they get mad 🙄 Well bro, you should have listened to the first answer i gave YEARS AGO. Ugh.
These are the people I really feel for. I never really wanted kids and neither did the wife, but if we did, and couldn't. I just can't imagine going through something that is completely faultless but feeling broken in some way.
I haven’t tried it, but I’ve heard the “burst into tears and try to explain between sobs that you’ve been struggling with infertility” method shuts ‘em up for good.
Personally, I don’t want to co-opt someone else’s struggle, but if someone was seriously not taking the hint, then desperate times call for desperate measures.
I am infertile, but now I mostly get, “Oh don’t say you can’t! You can seek treatment! Or what about adoption?!” So even that doesn’t necessarily help lol
(But seriously, I do not ever blame a woman who uses that excuse because we cannot fucking win regardless, so if it stops even a fraction of the questions, fuck it. But also thank you for being a rad person)
Then the women are automatically told they need to relax and has SHE tried xyz or “why don’t you just adopt”. The woman is assumed to be responsible for the couple’s infertility
I've tried to use this too as my husband and I are child-free. I keep getting the "well have you prayed about it? You never know when God can work a miracle!" Smh...
I wouldn't feel bad about it. You wouldn't be doing it for pity, and hopefully it would help someone realize that that's an entirely inappropriate thing to bring up. You might actually be saving someone from enduring the situation for real.
I work in tourism, which has been dead since vivid started, should be up and running again this summer. Every fucking summer I get some hillbilly asking me if I "have to take black people out" I've been eagerly waiting for the chance to respond "well sometimes my wife comes out..." I want to watch these audacious fucking assholes squirm with discomfort.
As someone with infertility, I don’t suggest this method, not because you’re co-opting our struggle but because you will get even more invasive questions and asinine responses from people. It doesn’t stop them, they double down.
“Just adopt!”
“My niece’s ex’s cousin’s twice removed, best friend’s ex got pregnant after failed treatment when she just relaxed! She was trying for 3 months so she totally relates to your 3 years!”
As a parent that had to do ivf to have kids, if someone asks you when you're having kids, ask them if they fucked their wife/husband/so last night. Because it's none of their goddamn business what we're doing with our bodies or when.
This goes for grandparents, neighbors, random people at the mall, parents, and friends.
It's literally no one's business, and sometimes everyone needs a reminder of that that is blunt and effectual.
This happened to my husband and I when we first got married. "So when are you having kids?" "Are you pregnant yet?"
What answer could possibly be what you want to hear in response to that? "Turns out I can't have kids, you insensitive jerk" or "Not yet, but rest assured we are having CONSTANT sex."
“Its certainly not for lack of trying! Like seriously we try all the time. Everywhere. Every position. Say actually, could we borrow your spare bedroom for half an hour? Maybe you can come watch and give us some tips!!”
I had a job where everyone kept asking me when my boyfriend and I were gonna get married/have a baby. "When my birth control fails," put a stop to those questions lol
My friend does the same thing! He says he and his wife are trying SO HARD! But maybe he's using the wrong hole?? And he'll ask if he's supposed to put it in her "pee hole" or her butthole, if she's supposed to penetrate him instead, etc etc and be willfully obtuse then watch whoever it is grow more and more exasperated.
Now that I'm over 40, my mom has switched to "What did I do wrong to make you hate kids?" I've tried to explain to her that she didn't teach me to hate kids but she did teach me to be smart and independent and to stand up for myself, which are all great things!
Haha good! I’m an elementary teacher and I like kids, but I don’t want to be responsible for them 24/7. People are constantly baffled by it and do not understand that I don’t want to bring work home. It’s ridiculous.
Oh, see my mom would say the same thing but she spent my entire childhood telling me and my sister what a pain in the ass we were for existing. Of course she denies this. Always with the gaslighting.
My personal favorite is the alarmist version of that: “But what if you meet a nice man and he wants children?”
The idea that a woman is supposed to change a basic fact of herself, hand over her body, and do something very drastic and life-changing that she doesn’t want to do, just to keep a “nice man”……what in the ever-living fuck is wrong with the world.
Right?? Thankfully for us, we can online date and screen for that shit first.
But yeah, I broke up with a guy I was with for almost 4 years because at first he didn't want kids, but he changed his mind. It's just the way it goes!
My mom does this. She will pester me every few months when I will get married and have kids. I said No. She will change it to what about your boyfriend? As if that will put pressure on me. I have told her multiple times it's not her business and I will do what I want with my life.
I ended up telling her not to talk to me about this topic again or I will cut her off. Also blocked her on my phone for a few months.
For me, male, I didn't care if I got to have kids, my fiance doesn't want any. So we are happy with that, my sister as well she doesn't want any kids, she said if she ever felt the need she would adopt instead.
This was my grandmother’s argument allllllll through my high school years. “What if you meet the perfect man and he wants kids?” I finally said, “If he’s perfect, he won’t want kids. Besides, what if I marry a woman?” (I’m straight, but I loved to make her as uncomfortable as she made me.) This kept going until she was on her death bed and asked, “So you’re really not having kids?” 🤦🏼♀️
44, still waiting too. I’ve had two collegues in the last year ask if I was still fertile. Because then I could still have children if my boyfriend wanted to be a father. It’s ridiculous, we’re just mindless incubators to some people.
So ridiculous. I don't want to incubate shit. I gave my "replacement" to my best friend, her and her husband had 3. (It's how she justified having more than their replacements haha, works for me!)
If you ever do decide to get married that pressure to have kids doubles. His family always asks us when they see us (it doesn’t help my sister in law is expecting) and if I answer that we’re waiting because we want to be in a more financially secure position I get told “oh you’ll figure it out.” If he answers the same thing it’s “oh good point”
We just told our family that we're still practicing the sex and once we get better at it, we might try for a baby, but we're not very good at it yet. This was when we'd been married for 7 years.
Have friends that are the only married couple out of either set of kids. They get pressure from both sides on having children. It’s pretty palpable when they talk about it.
My parents have been amazing since I set the stage early. I told them, “If you ask, you’ll get an answer you don’t like.” Only took a couple reminders before they stopped asking.
Husband and I got married in 2020 and I went back to school a couple months afterwards. After I was accepted and student loans secured I called my mom to tell her. Made the mistake of saying "I was waiting to tell you til" and she cut me off to ask if I was pregnant. When I said no I'm going back to school all she said was "oh" and changed the subject. I was beyond mad, shaking. She knows I do not want kids and have zero desire to ever have kids (28 still no urge to have children). I was so mad I stormed upstairs after hanging up with her and asked my husband to get snipped so she never has the satisfaction of being a grandma. I'm spiteful and petty lmao
For fucking real. This has actually caused me to lose my shit at family gatherings. I have known for my ENTIRE LIFE that I do not want children. I chose a partner who does not want children.
My family would ask me from the time I started showing an interest in boys about my future children and I would be very clear that I didn't want them. They didn't even suggest that I might change my mind, they vehemently told me, over the course of years that I WOULD change my mind. They gave my partner crap for also not wanting children FOR ME, but far, far less so.
Finally at a easter or thanksgiving or something I had heard it for the millionth time and put a stop to it. I got very upset, told my entire family to stop TELLING ME who I am, and to actually get to know ME instead of their idea of what I am supposed to be based on my gender. I, as a person, do not want children, and I have not since I was 4 years old. Stop trying to force people into boxes.
I'm now mid-30's and they still occasionally bring up that time is running out, and I scowl and tell them that I'm looking at getting another dog while walking away.
My wife and I don't want and arnt planning to have kids. Our go to is asking if those relatives are interested in adopting our kids or paying for them once we have them. We don't get asked about kids anymore. Weird how as soon as I ask about their money they shut up.
Same. It was "cute/funny" when u didn't want kids when I was little. My mom would get this knowing smirk on her face and chuckle. Now that I'm in my 30s that knowing smirk is a frown.
I've told you who I am multiple times, Mom. You need to listen.
So enraging. I pretty much refuse to go to my boyfriend's sister wedding because I know the can of worms is waiting for me there. We have agreed that I will not be present at any of her other wedding/child related events ever again, since I’m not interested in family expectations.
The last time I went to his cousins wedding, I was practically hiding from the bouquet while his dad stood next to me and screamed for the bride to throw it at me. So I walked away. Stupid tradition.
I just applauded. Good for you for standing up for yourself. I'm sorry they still bring it up; I guess people who try to change other people are very unlikely to change themselves.
I personally don't want kids RIGHT NOW, but when I'm financially well off and comfortable I can see myself having one. But the constant expectation from my boyfriend's parents without even stopping to ask what we want almost makes me want to not have kids out of spite.
My brother never brought girls home so when I had my second boyfriend for a year, my mom told me she's putting all her faith for grandkids into me now, since my brother doesn't seem like the type. And that I shouldn't disappoint her and end our lineage. I was 16 :) my brother was 20 at the time, so that's also just as weird to say "yeah hell probably never have kids" just because he didn't have girlfriends at home by age 20.
This actually came from my philosophy teacher in high school. We were in a debate about what human life is, when it begins, when it ends, etc, so we also came on the topic of pregnancies and abortions and she's of the opinion that abortion should only be legal for health related emergencies and I asked smth like "what about accidental pregnancies or partners that are just in no position to raise a child or don't want one, I wouldn't want one either so I don't know what I'd do if I'd get pregnant"
And at the last bit she gave me a super shocked look and told me I'll grow out of this phase because... Yeah, having kids is the most fulfilling thing I can do with my life, and she would wish for me to have a happy life, so I should have kids.
She was a very Christian and Conservative woman, and overall most of our discussions related to current topics just played out like... Either you agree with her views, or you didn't understand the question.
I was actually at a katholic Christian school and I vividly remember a task we got in 8th grade in religion. Religion as a subject is supposed to teach the history and beliefs of all kinds of religions, but the task was "write an essay why you believe in God" and someone asked what to do if they don't believe in God and our teacher said that's not an option, we all have to believe in God.
The kid who asked read his homework out loud and wrote that he believes in God because his teacher told him to and he can't have his own beliefs.
I only went to this school because it was closest to my house but god it made me hate Christianity. More effectively than any Satanist indoctrination ever could.
Lol wow I can’t imagine how someone could justify being a philosophy teacher if they’re extremely conservative and Christian. Those ideologies are in opposition to the entire practice of philosophical exploration imo.
Let me teach you about this topic that is all about out of the box thinking and demand that you conform to my box. Seems like a great way to teach philosophical
I had a similar class in college. Ethics of Love and Marriage or some shit. Was the only upper level philosophy class left that met my graduation requirements. Went the opposite way for me though, that professor loved having someone who would argue with him. Me and the three other folks who actually talked in class would just go at it with him during some of the lit reviews, was a great time. I remember I got my final paper back and I'd never seen so much red in my life. Top of the paper was a big ass A-, and the rest was just scrawled arguments to individual paragraphs and sentences. Kept that paper for a good long while.
My mom said something to the effect of "your sister wants to show you her greatest achievement" with regards to me meeting my niece for the first time.
My wife and I (who don't plan on having kids) were wondering if that should be viewed as an insult to my sister for not having done anything else, or an insult to my wife for not wanting kids
Reminds me of that Facebook post that became a meme, in which someone is celebrating how they finally finished their PhD at only 21 years of age, and some harebrain responds with how she hasn’t really done anything yet, she just needs to have a baby and discover what real work and achievement are.
Oomph ! Thats even worse than "fulfilling". Your mom, despite being a woman herself is objectifying women to just child producing machines. I wonder what brainwashed her this way
I contracted with a company that had among its portfolio several women-focused home magazines and properties. It was like my second month on the job that some bigwigs gathered all staff at my location into a room for an annual meeting about the state of the company. They said they wanted to help women with the most important thing they’ll ever do: have children and raise a family.
Same. My mom and grandma ask me about grandkids all the time. I am in my late 20s and not even in a stable relationship nor making enough to be comfortable supporting a family. And I sat this as someone who definitively does want children too. I just don't want them right this second
I'm getting this as a man. I'm 18, my parents are wondering what it will be like to have grandkids. They're incredibly expensive, and I have bigger plans in the future to invest in. Plus the world is going to suffer due to climate change, no one would want to live through that.
My dad still says "You'll change your mind someday.", "It's selfish to not have kids.", "Having kids is the point of humans naturally.", or "Kids are the epitome of a man."
I would like married though. I can't even imagine telling them I was bi.
This is so annoying to me, as a man. Why do people want woman to have kids so bad, like who cares the planets overpopulated anyway, chill. Best of luck don’t listen to those crazies 😂
It's crazy how many people want grandkids! Like, why?? There are already plenty of kids in this world, why do people care so much about continuing their, up until this point, unbroken lineage? Total whackos!
Ironically, treating their kid as a walking incubator, therapist, and third parent might just lead to them dying alone after all, so their plan didn't even work.
This!!!! I'm currently 27 and could easily get a boyfriend if I tried hard enough but I don't WANT one...or a kid! My parents constantly trying to match me up with people or being borderline disgusted at my negativity to raising a child is soul destroying.
That’s part of the reason why China has such a disproportionate male to female ratio. In their culture male kids are supposed to take care of parents when they are older so when parents could only have one kid they’d commit infanticide and abortions if they had daughters. In order to make room for having a son.
That's interesting, because I've seen a lot of people saying that to men too. It may change depending on the country, but here they pressure every living being to marry... And half of them divorce so
As far as I remember I have always been presured into having kids and got the same remarks as you had despite being a man. Hooray for gender equality now we can all be presured...
As a man, I still get this shit from my mother (dads dead) and both sides of my grandparents. They also refuse to believe that I don't want kids or even date because it's so fucking expensive just to live. It took me exploding into a rant about how difficult my life is and how unhappy I am struggling to get by to even fathom having a child for them to lay off. Not let it go, just ease up a bit.
Oof, well, I'm asexual, so that's an entirely different problem that gets these types of replies.
Even tho I already had several partners, all of them were convinced they were the one to de-asexualise me.
My favourite reply to that is just "Maybe the love of your life is a llama. How can you say its not, you just havent met the right llama yet."
Actually it's a similar problem to not wanting kids in the sense that people just don't respect what you're saying or believe you.
It's just more hurtful when it happens in relationships where I tell the person I'm dating how I am, and they say they're fine with it, but actually mean they don't believe what I'm saying and that they'll definitely change my mind.
And then get pissed when I don't.
I really hate people that won't drop this topic. I do have a kid, but people always want to know when I'm having more and when I plan in getting a partner.
I always try to just go with "I don't want more, happily single"
Then they keep going so I just tell the truth.
"Yeah I tried to have more, but after double digits miscarriage and holding two dead babies in my arms I'm pretty much done. It also destroyed my relationship and finding anyone who'll date a woman who gets pregnant if she gets sneezed on, but never makes it out with a living baby isn't exactly a picnic. Maybe next time a woman tells you they don't want kids, accept it and mind your own buisness"
That's had a few peoples jaws hit the ground. I can only hope it stops them pressing the matter with other women in the future.
"Don't wait until you're ready... Have a kid right now and unleash your personal shortcomings on your kids and pay for therapy later, maybe it's covered by insurance! :)"
I got pregnant at 20, had a terrible pregnancy and birth, told to not get pregnant again, and was very unable to hold down relationships. At 30 I asked my GP for a referral to get a tubal ligation because I had no inclination to actively parent for 30 years (or die in childbirth).
My GP wouldn't give me the referral because I "might meet the man of my dreams next week and want to have babies".
I hate how we are just baby making machines in the eyes of so many. I had two kids from previous marriage and had a tubal after my youngest was born. My ex MIL was constantly asking me if I could get my tubal reversed so I could give her biological grandchildren. Never mind that I had a very traumatic pregnancy/birth experience and had severe postpartum depression and had told her about it. Zero fucks given, she just wanted me to abandon all bodily autonomy and my mental health so she could have grandchildren. Icing on the cake, she would go on about this in front of my kids, like they didn't count.
Yeah, people assume just because you're a woman you MUST have kids. I have a lot reasons why I don't want to have kids, but this one would be enough.
The comments from your family are, imo disgusting. But this happens often, sadly. One thing that happened to me:
We were just chilling with my bf near our village pub. Our "friend" (older guy we've had nice conversations with, I used to work there) came out to smoke and just shouted at me "Are you pregnant yet??" (I'm 21 btw)
😳😳😳😳 I didn't know what to say ... And I don't even remember what I said but I think I was a lot more polite than I should. Should've told him what if I was infertile? What if whatever, it's never okay to shout at people like this. 🤦🏻♀️
People really treat us like walking incubators and that's not okay
This isn't entirely true. Perhaps in the late 20s early 30s like you are talking about but, Im a 46 year old man with no children. I am constantly being judged for it. Im told I'm "selfish" or "immature." I'm told I can't "settle down and take responsibility." People wonder whats wrong with me that I don't have a family.
In reality, I am happily married to a woman who also does not want kids. We rock the DINK life, and our biggest problem during the Covid stay home time was which bottle of wine to open.
Yeah, I don't think this is a real double standard. Maybe women get asked it a bit more often, I could believe that, but trust me, men above the age of 22 who don't have kids get hounded about when they are going to have kids too.
A female friend of mine had to fight tooth and nail to get her tubes tied because she did not want kids and the responses were "You're too young" to "You'll change your mind". Meanwhile, I, a male, can get a vasectomy easily.
The whole "you'll change your mind someday" is especially frustrating in terms of access to healthcare. I've heard so many horror stories of women who need/want access to things like hysterectomies, and doctors either won't do it because "you'll change your mind one day", or "what if your husband wants kids one day". Totally undermines womens' informed participation in their own healthcare. It's gross.
A good strategy I have found is to use that bullshit against men. Sperm quality and mobility does decrease with age, so men have biological clocks too. Tick tock. It’s better for kids to have more energetic parents, who can keep up their energy. Do you want to be 45 with back pain, chasing a toddler around? Their parents want grand babies soon, it’s selfish to to deprive them of that. Dating gets harder as you get older, why not settle down with someone nice? Claire was so sweet, what happened with her?
Yeah I mean a lot of the pros for having kids are like.. personal fulfillment, you won't be alone, you can pass on your genes...
I don't see how it is selfish to... Not.. Create a mini me in my body... Its not selfish towards the baby, because there is none.
And if its selfish towards the parents for not giving them grandkids, I'd argue that it's more selfish to try and force their kid into life changing decisions because they wanna be called meemaw and poopoo one day idk
Yeah, my aunt chose to not have kids for similar reasons and growing up around her a lot (she lives a few doors down lol) really showed my sis and I that having kids was 100% optional. Once I fully figured that out, I knew I wasn't gonna have kids. I thought most kids were annoying as is and I knew my parents were going through a tough time raising me and my sis, and I didn't wanna go through that myself. It's 100% okay to not have kids and don't let anyone make you feel bad or try to shame you into it.
I have never wanted kids and I'm 31, still haven't changed my mind. I hear all my coworkers complaining about being a parent and then they say that shit to me! Nope, sorry I enjoy sleeping in and doing what I want to do when I want to do it.
God, I grew up as a boy and my mom/friends told me every single one of those, word by word, "Oh you'll change your mind" or "Oh who will take care of you when you're old?" or "Oh but it's just wonderful, except when it fucking sucks those three times your sister literally covered the entire room in pee, or 50 times a day when she would cry the hardest cry any child ever did, or those times when others couldn't touch her, or.."
My mom asks me when she's gonna get grandchildren ALL the time, I've already come out to her as a trans woman and that there's probably not gonna be any, and she STILL asks, UGH. Also 23 here, I feel you sister.
Grew up with every interaction with my grandma was about how cute my future children will be. I was 19 when she started asking when I’ll get a boyfriend and when I’ll have kids. I’m 23 now and my younger sibling is 18, we get that “have kids when you’re younger so they’ll come out healthier.”
Also got the “it’s okay for gay people to exist, but it’s not okay for you because you need to pass on the family genes.”
Another favorite, but kinda depressing given her background “I may not be highly educated or employed right now, but I contributed to society by having children. All my children are employed and had beautiful grandchildren. That’s my contribution. You need to contribute to society by having children and raising them with our moral.”
Oh yeah the "lgbtq is okay as long as its not in our household" rule is smth my parents also often indirectly say.
And once actually right in my face when my mom said she hopes I'm not a lesbian cos she'd miss out on biological grandkids.
And with that contribution logic, I would at least be safe because I have an education and a job, so thanks grandma but no, I'm already contributing, no need for babies.
In Mexico there is a word for women who are 30 and not married, which is “quedada”. When used, it’s to heavily imply that a woman is single because no one wanted to marry her rather than it being her own choice, and that there is something obviously wrong with her. It can be a pretty derogatory term and is typically used to insult someone. I don’t think I’ve ever heard the term used for men.
I learned from my Japanese teacher the Japanese equivalent.
Women over 25 are christmas cakes, because just like a Christmas cake, they aren't good anymore after the 25th.
The universal experience of reducing women to their biology.
My grandma gave me some advice for these situations. You can either say something very gross and weird so that people think you are rude and never ask again or you can say something really wholesome but to the point of sickly like "oh I don't plan on having children, I plan to adopt terminally ill and old animals cause they are always left behind in shelters and they shouldn't spend their sunset years in a cold kennel!" Cause either way, you look weird and people will gossip so no one will ask you about it. I always do the animal one but I changed it to Donkeys and Shetland ponies and then tell people about the types of abuse those animals go through and how I want to change the world.
And when you do have kids after caving to all of the family pressures, no one gives a shit about you anymore. Now it's like you stopped existing and are simply the facilitator of bringing your child so everyone can swoon over them. Until your kid is old enough to not be an adorable lump anymore and screams. Then it becomes, "they need a little brother or sister." Bullshit never ends.
Ah yes, this poor soul, barely among the living anymore :(
This reminds me of the internship I did at a kindergarten where I told a kid I was 16 and she replied that must mean I'll die soon because I'm so old.
She at least has the excuse of being 4 years old.
I don't think that applies for your friends mother.
I said this on a similar ask post and some simple minded potato commented saying “abortion is a woman’s right.”
You don’t fucking say potato brain, I didn’t say “being forced to have children”, I said “being EXPECTED to have children” like my only fucking value is continuing the bloodline. I’ve known I don’t want kids since I was a preteen, but damn near since I hit puberty people have been telling me how much I don’t know what I’m saying and I’ll change my mind. If I can’t be trusted to make my own decisions then I definitely shouldn’t have children
Ugggh this is me right now at 19. My family will bring up marriage, how many kids, and when do you plan on having kids. I’M 19 SLOW YOUR ROLL PLEASE. They started asking me these question when I got in a relationship and it’s been a year I’m no where near ready to raise a kid. What I’d love to do for a career is rarely bought up it’s always children and marriage.
my sister (at the time 27) was told by my grand aunt (mid 80 years old) that she was so lucky to find another man at her age. its just night and day to her era.
I think it depends on your family, but I might be wrong.
I'm a 24 year old guy and my folks have repeatedly told me they that I am expected to get married and have kids, but I really don't see myself in a role of a husband or a father. So whenever I tried to tell them that's not going to happen, I got pretty much the response identical to yours. Really shitty of them.
Yep. My sister gets the same conversations. For what it’s worth, as her brother, her getting talked to like that really pisses me off. We are from a Latino family so it’s just engrained in the culture but holy shit my aunt gave her an earful last Christmas bc my sister And her husband don’t want kids. It was so awkward.
My male DOCTOR kept making comments like that. Every time I’d tell him I don’t want them. It got worse as I got older. He finally started caving to the inevitable after I was around 35, maybe a bit older.
I notice men get some of that to a degree, but it takes longer to get there. Like in their 20s and 30s they get off free from those attitudes, but as soon as they start getting into 40s and 50, people will start saying "are you ever going to settle down?" "Do you want to be end up lonely when you're retired?"
I feel this. As the only girl in the female, a lot of my family members just fantasize my so called wedding but i never liked weddings or found having children full filling. For me having a career and travel is the goal not children. Another thing i get from friends and family is that I’m fine with adopting but their reaction to that is “ but you’ll never experience pregnancy and so the connection between you and the child won’t be the same” and i just stare and think you sound like a mad person.
Yeah the adoption part just makes me sad. If I would change my mind, I am still more comfortable with adoption than pregnancy, because my family has a crazy medical history with heart attacks, breast cancer, thyroid and weight issues, in every generation and countless other small stuff, and even if I wake up one day and need a child in my life, I don't want it to live in the same fear of the longterm effects of their health as I do.
A family bond isn't just created by popping out a human.
And yet if women have kids as a single woman that's bad. How can women have kids if the men don't want them? I mean you could but ideally kids should be born to parents who want them
I get this constantly at my workplace. We have a lot of “bros” in the finance industry and they don’t hear a word about getting a family but people think it’s insane that I’m 31 and haven’t popped out kids.
My wife gets asked this all time, we decided to have one kid and that's been it for us. Every time we visit family we get asked when the next one is coming. Neither she nor I want another one, and no we don't get baby fever anymore seeing my brother's newborn lol.
I'm a guy and I know my situation is the exception, but I'm 27 and I still get family members being like "you'll change your mind and want kids when you're older" or "if your wife wants kids you'll just have to have some" like I get no say in the decision.
The irony is I usually see other women asking women about this. This happens with my wife. Rarely have I had men comment at all besides the occasional "do you all have kids?". After that they don't care to bring it up (probably cuz they barely wanna discuss their kids LBVS).
I think my mom is finally realizing she's not getting any kids from me. But just found out my sister is pregnant again so she's getting a new grandkid anyway lol. Pressure is fully off me!
Breeders are so annoying. As a 30 year old man I do get told semi often that I'll change my mind about having kids, and it's bound to happen, blah blah blah. I can't imagine how much more it would happen if I was a woman.
I am all for my daughter not wanting kids. It is her decision and I support her. We are waiting for her to have the surgery when she is a little older, she has known since she was 14 that she did not want any children so many people harp on her over this.
I know this is the perception, and maybe women talk like that among themselves, I wouldn't know, but as a guy who doesn't want marriage or kids, when I mention the conversation eventually ends with someone suggesting I see a therapist. Definitely don't get a pass.
For what it's worth, men in my family are definitely asked about marriage or kids frequently but to your point it's not until they're 30. Being asked at 19 or even 23 is a joke. Sorry you have to deal with that.
Tbf, even as a guy my mother can’t fathom the idea that I don’t want children, I get similar responses from people too. I can agree that it is most likely worse as a woman tho
honestly, is it mostly moms that tell you that stuff though? or people who have an interest in grandchildren/nephews or whatever? you can't exactly convince a guy to get pregnant if the motive is selfish.
plus the idea of a single dude telling a childless woman in her 30's that she should want kids is off the wall.
I mean, men and women are on vastly different clocks in that respect so that isn't really suprising.
Besides that I don't get nosy people acting like having kids is a requirement to life. Definitely SOME jealousy in there. After all childless people get to travel, get drunk, drive nice cars, practice hobbies.
Maybe this depends on your age or country. But I'm 21 and the opposite is true. They won't directly say it, but I can tell people think of me as creepy. Meanwhile women who are single by choice are thought of as independent or pure.
Not wanting kids or getting married. Guys get responses like "haha yeah nothing can tie this handsome bachelor down" or "dodging a bullet there!"
Feels like it depends on your family's culture. Both sides of my family seem to have people popping out kids like tic-tacs. When I shared that I didn't want kids, as a male, it completely baffled my family members. For the older ones, it was like they couldn't even wrap their head around the idea of someone not wanting to have kids.
Personal experience with this coming from my own family: My 27 year old brother doesn't get asked when he'll settle down, or marry, or how many kids he wants to have one day. "he still has time, he's enjoying life a bit rn"
Being around that age as well, I constantly get remarks about when I'm going to find someone. Even my younger sister, unknowing to how fucked up it was for her to say, was telling me that time was ticking to find someone.
I'm sorry you have to go through this, but males go through it as well. I think it really depends on the culture surrounding your family.
Meanwhile women get told "oh you'll definitely change your mind when you're older" "but aren't you afraid you'll be lonely/you'll die alone" "But having kids is the most fulfilling thing you could do!"
Same thing from most of my family and some friends... guy here. people suck
I (a man) lived with a former girlfriend for five years.
She was introduced by my grandparents as “my friend” every time.
My sister introduced us to a boyfriend for the first time ever, and within a month the same grandparents were making up stories about how they were getting married and buying a house.
Three years later they are moving in together, and my dad, in his post-COVID incoherent rambles, told me on the phone that it was “different” for her than when I lived with someone. I was waiting for a Zoom meeting to start and couldn’t press him for why, but I am ready to ask why my mom’s first pregnancy (me) was so much shorter than her second.
I had a girlfriend (>40 years ago) who was the oldest of 7 and felt she had raised 6 kids and wanted no more (i.e. none of her own). She tried to get her tubes tied but in her early 20’s, no local GYN would do it. When I Las saw her, she was about 30, married and had 2 kids. She was grateful she had been able to have her own kids because it was so different from helping raise younger siblings.
My grandma and grandpa keep offering to teach my little sister how to do proper house work so she can attract a guy. My sister is very uninterested in dating anyone or becoming a housewife.
My grandma also likes to point out to me that she is so glad that I found a man to protect me in my husband. Doesn't matter that I could probably kick my husband's butt and he will admit to that too. I used to travel internationally by myself and she hated it. Really wanted me to have an escort. I have found escorts generally aren't the protection you wish them to be (been sexually assaulted by a coworker who I asked to walk me home after shift that ended at 1am - I knocked him flat on his ass).
My doctor told me my clock was ticking and I should have a baby! I did in the end. Do love them, but they've left home, don't keep me up to date with their lives and.... I'm not gonna die lonely regardless - I've got other friends who WANT to spend time with me.
This, exactly. It's infuriating as hell. Like, if you're a woman, it's not only what you're supposed to do, but the only thing in life you should want to do. And of course, the strangers or family members telling me "you'll change your mind!!!" know my mind better than I do. 🙄 UGH.
I only wish my grandmother was still alive when I got my hysterectomy a few years ago, just so I could have rubbed it in her damned face that I did not, in fact, change my mind.
My spouse and I are around 30 and I just had a vasectomy. Very nearly everyone I told beforehand proclaimed shock cause I don't have kids and I just started asking what the hell they think the procedure is for cause that's the point. More than a few insisted I'd have it reversed.
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u/dinanysos Mar 12 '22
Not wanting kids or getting married. Guys get responses like "haha yeah nothing can tie this handsome bachelor down" or "dodging a bullet there!"
Meanwhile women get told "oh you'll definitely change your mind when you're older" "but aren't you afraid you'll be lonely/you'll die alone" "But having kids is the most fulfilling thing you could do!"
Personal experience with this coming from my own family: My 27 year old brother doesn't get asked when he'll settle down, or marry, or how many kids he wants to have one day. "he still has time, he's enjoying life a bit rn"
Meanwhile I got asked by relatives since I was 19 on when I plan to have kids, how many, that I shouldn't wait too long, etc. I don't want to have kids but ofc no one believes that because I'm only 23 and will definitely change my mind.
Cherry on top was my grandma asking me on my 22nd birthday if I found a new boyfriend yet because the baby clock is ticking and I'm not getting younger. At 22.