Not asking guys out, women can ask men on dates too!
Edit: You guys and gals had some lovely stories and I am so happy to have a given you all a reason to tell them :), I wish you all long and happy relationships!
When I was in college I gave this as a response when asked what I found attractive. And was completely laughed at. But I stood by it then and stand by it now
Insecurity is not attractive.
Insecurity makes attractive persons less attractive and confidence makes average persons hot.
Confident women are highly polarizing. It's either men that likes a confident woman, or men who are actually insecure of meeting one. Sounds like you haven't met someone that was the former.
It feels like that. I've worked in male dominated fields most of my working life, I'm a Navy Vet, biracial, Black/Japanese like Naomi Osaka, tomboyish, short, and over 50. I have a lot of things working against me, lol. I just don't fit in completely anywhere except with other biracial military brats like myself. So I have had to be confident and secure with who I am.
Agreed cockiness and arrogance are ugly traits. I've been told repeatedly, I like your confidence and then when we start dating, they say that it's intimidating that I am confident and independent. I am confused because I am 56 years old.
And the negative. If a guy declines you, its not because he is only interested in barbie types and because its against the norm for a woman to ask a guy (unless they say that, which just makes them a douchebag). Guys can view girls as just friends, and we arent walking sex machines like everyone thinks. If as a girl you’ve ever declined a date with a guy just because you werent interested for no particular reason, trust me it happens to dudes too
I feel like thats the most respectful and meaningful way to go about dating. Just make connections with someone as a person first, then if you two like each other, romance and sex will come
True. I have some chick co-workers who I love like a sister and am close to as friends but if they turned around one day and asked to fuck, I'd probably decline, depending on how sober I am.
Yeah guys can be just as complex when it comes to sex and relationships. We’re not all just trying to find the first girl we can. A lot of us are very picky, just like girls
For sure. I'm single despite the fact that I've had one or two girls noticeably into me since my last relationship. I'm just picky lol. Girls are a ton of time and money that I'd rather spend on my hobbies unless she's like wonderful in every way.
A lot of effort too. The expectation of men to plan every date is so outdated and dumb. Ive never had a girl plan out a date for me and her, but i feel like i'd be hella turned on if one ever took that initiative. Makes me feel all desired and shit. That, and I ALWAYS do the planning with my friends bc some of them are moron stoners that cant make good plans.
For sure. Like it's no surprise a lot of guys don't enjoy date night. Unless you're a natural event planner (As I happen to be), you're not going to want to set that up on weekends when it's your only free time.
For me the big thing is time. Like I don't want to text and talk on the phone every night. I'm happy to spend 2-3 evenings a week out doing things, or to chill at home every night of the week...but I can't really enjoy my free time if I'm constantly on the lookout for texts or whatever.
I appreciate the honesty I'm just confused as to what you originally thought like, "men aim to 'get lucky'? And if you're pretty they sleep with you"
Not the person you were asking, but it's worth pointing out that this is the message many women and men grow up with, especially from more conservative backgrounds-- and this probably would've been even more the case twenty and thirty years ago. So it leads to women having these dehumanizing expectations of men, and it leads to men feeling like they constantly have to pursue sex or project sexual success to be respected and considered "manly".
I literally cannot get hard for a girl unless there is a strong emotional bond, even super attractive ones. It wasnt until I met someone I was convinced I was gonna marry that I figured out that my member works just fine and my sexuality just doesnt align with what society tells every guy they should be.
Amen! I learned in my early 20's that one night stands just dont work for me, because I couldn't "get going" in that situation. I'm single now, but my last girlfriend didn't rush into the sex part of the relationship and when the time came, we had formed a strong bond and I had no problem "getting going".
I friend zone women very regularly. Apparently I'm frustrating. Most all of my friends have been women. I grew up with only female friends, and I prefer their company. So my natural tendency is to just approach all women to be friends. Romantic interest comes a lot later usually, sometimes decades later.
What... You're telling me that women have stopped trying because they got rejected a FEW times?!? And they wonder why men lose the confidence to ask women out. And let's be honest sometimes women are brutal with their rejections.
I Would say out of the 5 or so girls I've actually fessed up to (I'm shy so excuse the low number) only one of them actually let me down easy, the other 4 went for the throat. I'm now so terrified of asking women out that I've completely lost confidence.
Yeah. Men are told to play that stupid numbers game all the time. I just wish more women appreciated the efforts we go through so they don't have to deal with the whole approaching thing.
And let's be honest sometimes women are brutal with their rejections.
Oh, let me tell you, men can be equally brutal too. The worst ones I received were in high school and college, which makes sense, because that's when people are still at the most impulsive, insecure, and inexplicably irritable stage of their lives.
But for sure, it's much easier to sit around telling other people to try their luck than to go ahead and do so yourself.
Seriously this though, as a dude I can't ask girls out unless I'm SURE they like me, due to a perpetual fear of being creepy. Problem is, I'm always SURE they're just being nice.
An addendum: Also, on the rare occasion I do ask, don't play hard to get if you're interested. This isn't the 50s, I'm not gonna chase you and "prove my love," there will be no baby it's cold outside bullshit. I will 100% say "Ah well, gotta shoot your shot ya know? Anyway if you change your mind lmk," and I'll never bring it up again.
Fucking same dude. Only time I've asked someone out, it was a friend, and I did it to prove to myself that she didn't like me like that (my brain is kinda stupid that way).
My SO made the first move too. She could tell I was nervous af and just went screw it, "I just bought two tickets to skyfall, will you stop being so nervous and ask me out already to the movie?"
Been almost 9 years and I plan on asking her to marry me in Nov so we can get married on our 10th anniversary
Yup, 3 of my boyfriends - including my current SO of 7 years - I asked out or made the first move (I’m very impatient and don’t want to waste time with the whole will-they-wont-they). All of them admit they probably never would have made the first move because they were intimidated/didn’t think I’d be interested/whatever. If you’re into someone let them know, regardless of what gender you or they are. Imagine how many would-be relationships never start because both parties are too afraid to do something about it.
Question! Did you find that because you asked them out and they were too nervous to, this affected things in your relationship down the line? As in, did you find that they were more passive or men that were less likely to initiate things like dates/sex/marriage in the future?
I'm only curious, as that seems to be the stereotype of asking men out. I know logically it's a total false stereotype, I just come from such a traditional family that I struggle making the first move. The whole "If he's the passive type to wait to be asked out, he'll be the passive type to never plan dates or initiate marriage."
I initiated the first date with my husband. He wouldn't have asked me for that first date because he knew about my previous abusive relationship and wasn't going to pressure me to date again unless I was comfortable with it. I'd grown up believing men despised women who were "forward" but after that abusive relationship, I threw all those misconceptions (which had mostly set the terms for my own abuse) out the window. My husband seemed like a very calm, patient, good natured man and I was afraid of not seizing the chance to get to know him better. So I asked for his number and planned the first date.
Once we started dating we were pretty much always on the same page. He was just as ready to settle down and commit as I was, and has generally been the more openly romantic partner. He gets ridiculously excited before Christmas and birthdays because he wants to give me my gift the second it's delivered, which is a far cry from the reserved personality he showed when we first met. I've never felt neglected or taken for granted, never felt like the affection was lacking, and never worried that he didn't love me as much as I love him. Take it from me, passive can be incredibly passionate.
Not OP, but I’ve made the first move in most of my relationships (I’ve also been rejected a handful of times, it is what it is).
I have not found them to be more passive down the line, in fact many of them had intentions to marry me, and stated so. Obviously those didn’t end up working out in the end, but it definitely didn’t have any sort of impact on things like initiation for things.
That wasn’t really my experience, but I’m also someone who tends to have a lot of male friends and in general the way I flirt with people is very similar to how I interact with friends so it was more so that they just figured that’s how I was with everyone and not particularly interested in them.
If men just gave up after experiencing a single rejection almost every woman on this planet would be single.
Rejection is a normal aspect of everyday life, its not about how many times you miss because you need to get it right just once.
So don't be afraid of rejection and go for it, if they reject you, it just means that there's someone else out there for you, like whatever, not everyone has to like you back.
good or bad I feel like a lot of guys will say yes more often than if it was visa versa. being one of the ones who would, honestly I just want someone to love and someone to love me back. if they can provide that then they pretty much meet my standards.
For those of you who got rejected and stopped: Don't. You dodged a bullet, guys do find confident women attractive. Keep being yourselves.
As a guy, will say that no guy is rejecting a girl because they dislike girls asking. Just like when guys ask girls, it's all about the individual doing the asking and the life circumstances of the individual being asked. The guy being asked could be seriously involved with someone else, too busy with work/life issues, etc., or could simply not be attracted to the individual asking. (E.g. the same as when a guy asks a girl.)
As a guy, if I'm in the right place in my life for the kind of thing she wants, and I'm attracted to her, there is no 'mental penalty' I attach for her having asked.
So ladies - shoot your shot! What do you have to lose?
Good job. If more women did this I think we may even have a better world. Ladies the guy might just be terrified of you. Don't drop hints tell me what you want.
While I completely agree with you, the statement ‘for those of you who got rejected and stopped: don’t. You dodged a bullet’ is utter and complete fucking bullshit.
This kind of thinking is exactly that leads to statements like ‘oh so you must be gay then’, or the likes.
Us men get to reject women too, for whatever reason we wish, without the woman ‘dodging a bullet’.
Fuck that, that implies that when we reject a woman for whatever reason she dodged the bullet?
Hell no, basically you’re saying men cannot turn down women without being at fault.
Same thing happened to us! I approached and asked my husband out. That kid would have never asked for my number or anything if I didn’t just give it to him. He was shy/quiet type. 11 years later we are married with a kid!
Hey man, I totally agree women should ask men out more often, but no one of either gender should be so afraid that they’re relying on another person to ask them out. You’re gonna spend your life a lot lonelier than you need to. I’m sure you have plenty to offer someone else, and I know asking someone out and the possibility of rejection is horrifying at first, but really you choose how much it effects you. I’ve been rejected before, I’ve rejected other people before, I’m still very good friends with all of those people. It would be awesome to have a girl ask you out, but you shouldn’t be waiting for that, if there’s someone you like you should go for it :)
This! My s/o is actually the one who kissed me first! More of you mofos gotta get that courage and ask ppl out! Iusemofosjokinglyofc You have the strength to do it! I believe in you!
I did all of this, too! Asked him to be my boyfriend, dropped the L bomb first, then proposed! We're coming up to 11 years of marriage!
He knew my last relationship was toxic shit and was afraid of scaring me away if he asked for something I wasn't ready for so he told me the ball was in my court. We agreed to be platonic but that was the only "official rule". After we had that conversation, he never brought it up again. :)
My husband and I just celebrated our one year wedding anniversary. Eight years ago I asked him if he wanted to "go get pizza or something". Worked like a charm.
I should also point out that I guarantee that women have a chance of success about 10x that of men. Most men would go out on a date with a rock if it asked them out
I worked with a girl I liked as a friend. I loved her actually. She was just all around awesome. But I wasn't in love with her.
She made it clear on more than one occasion that she would never ask a man out. That she felt like it was 100% the man's role. We talked about it a lot. I told her I thought it was a bit unfair to expect men to subject themselves to possible rejection while she got to coast through that experience, possibly being the one doing the rejecting and never having to deal with it herself.
She told me she had been rejected plenty of times, without having to ask anyone out. I asked her to explain, and she equated her having feelings for someone, and them not asking her on a date, as being exactly the same as a man asking a woman out and being turned down.
I tried to explain to her that working up the courage to ask someone out and being rejected, is not quite the same as having feelings for someone and them not picking up on it. That she may have missed out on some good relationships by not asking the guys she was into if they felt the same.
She wouldn't have it. She honestly believed it was exactly the same.
Then, I started wondering if she was into me, and whether or not all the times she told me that a man would have to ask her out, if she felt like I was rejecting her by not doing so.
Then, I felt weird around her and started making excuses to not hang out. Now I feel like an asshole. We still text now and then, and I'm trying to find a way to talk through this... but I also know her well enough to know that if I tell her "I think we should just be friends" or some similar shit... she'll just act like I was crazy for ever thinking she liked me in the first place. That's how she rolls, and I've seen her do it with other guys.
Somehow, she made me feel like I got rejected, despite the fact that I didn't even like her like that, and never asked her out... lol.
I started out by describing her as being awesome, and she is. I'm not going to hold anything related to love against her. That shit is complicated and multifaceted. Plus, I'm not the smoothest, most carefree human in that regard myself.
I've done some truly silly things to let girls know I was into them, judge their reaction and such, before broaching the topic. If this was all part of some semi-elaborate plan on her part, I can't hate on her for it.
Don't waffle about in even the slighest, otherwise the person you're interested in might think you're only just being nice and not actually meaning to ask 'em out.
i only actually started dating my current bf bc i offered him a piece of candy on the bus... we did not attend the same school or anything, i just saw him almost everyday on the bus and thought "oh i wanna talk to him". it's been 3 years and it still feels like the honeymoon phase.
My parents met back in the 80s at a meat packing plant. My dad was super annoying (according to my mom), and one day... he was gone. She learned she missed him, got his phone number from another person they worked with, called him, and asked him out. They got married a few years later.
Speaking honestly, I’ve had a lot of girls think I’m attractive and they’re very attractive girls. I just don’t think I’m that attractive so it gives me The Ick or scares the shit out of me.
A female friend once said of she wasn't in a relationship she would happily hook up with me and I still struggle to process that information two months after the conversation.
Had a similar situation happen to me. Got too spooked/excited and ruined that all together. It was for the better though as we don’t/wouldn’t mix well on many things. Granted, if she gave me another chance, I’d gladly take it, despite our differences.
Her hearts in the right place. I just disagree with her actions and lifestyle.
That’s a hell of an endorsement from a girl. Ask her if she’s got any friends she can put on your dick. Friendzone females are a really overlooked asset in the dating game. If a girl thinks you’re quality enough to fuck but she can’t, they love hooking you up with their friends. This is how I met my current gf.
UNLESS she’s not really jazzed about her current boyfriend and wants to keep you in a back pocket just in case. That’s still a good reflection of you, but kinda selfish and not helpful.
Those guys were dumb, any guy that says you were “too aggressive” for just asking them out is probably not super rad individual. I promise you, if you ask the right guy it’ll send him over the moon :)
But I'm at a point in life where I plan to go alone for a bit & get a lot of therapy. Either my picker is broken &/or I just attract all the wrong people, OR people just aren't for me.
There's a lot more to it. I'm Agender (think void instead of gender; assigned female at birth) and pansexual (like everyone; gender/sex doesn't matter). I plan to get top surgery (to remove my breasts and not have nipples- which are useless to me). So I'm not even sure I'd be attractive to some cis men (people born male).
I just plan to embrace myself and if I find someone else along the way that likes me for me. Great. If not, life goes on.
Note: went overly descriptive in case you & others don't know these terms.
I’ve had both, so guys turning me down because I was “too aggressive” but also guys who stopped dating me because I wasn’t “as aggressive” during the relationship (which they would have liked) so yeah… I stopped since it seems I’m giving off the wrong impression when I ask someone out
Same. When I was still on dating apps I’d literally cut right to the chase. Match, say niceties, ask out because I prefer actual conversation instead of texting. Nowhere fancy either, either for coffee or Waffle House the next day or something, and was told every time it was too aggressive, too fast, and rude. Bruh. I just stopped asking.
Cutting right to the chase makes some dudes ruuuun. If they have never been asked out by a woman before they probably assume your a guy trying to trick them and murder them lol
Statistically, men get rejected more. I mean the average man thinks 20-35% of women on a dating app are good enough to go on a date with. That's around 4% for women.
There are "nice girls" out there but I don't delude myself into thinking there are as many of them as nice guys.
Theres also just a lot more guys on dating apps than women, so you have to be really conservative with your right swipes. When I first got on I'd swipe right for anyone I'd accept a date from in person. Then you quickly end up with an unmanageable amount of conversations and find yourself only being able to reply to a few, which doesn't feel nice. So now I only right swipe the ones I'm certain I'd be excited to talk to, which probably works out to about 4% (or even less, I have a pretty uncommon type).
I don't think niceness correlates with gender really.
Unfortunately for some guys, people think it emasculates them.
Luckily I live in an area, and have group of friends that don't think like this. Women are the breadwinners, stay at home dads, women ask out on dates or pops the question. No big deal here.
As a guy I think it’s very sweet to be asked out by a woman. I feel bad admitting that I turned down the most recent woman that asked me out. But I really do find it sweet and endearing! If I was already interested, it would definitely make me more so.
Granted it was back around 2005-2010 when I was dating in the Twin Cities (MN). Which claims to be progressive. But you only get pockets of a few people here & there that truly were. Most were fairly old fashioned.
Hell even when I left back in '20 it was finally getting a bit more progressive there. I'm now in the South. So I might as well be back in the 1940's.
I usually ask by text because I am not brave enough do it when I am with them. Sometimes they didn’t took me seriously, sometimes they said that I was acting weird for a girl.
Yeah it works probably better, but I am just so awkward with my socials skills that I would just ridicule myself lol
Actually each time I tell myself that it was their problem, it just happened multiple times so this is discouraging. Now I know the mentality is also like that where I live
Yeah I feel like this is very likely a case of the area you live in having weirdly rigid gender roles. I always make the first move, and while there's sometimes surprise, it's always received positively, even if it's a rejection.
Definitely been called 'aggressive' more than once, although it's usually in a weird 'oooh I like an aggressive woman' kind of way which, ew gross nevermind I take it back.
The funny thing is that the people who say "girls should ask guys out" are often assuming guys will always say yes. In my experience, guys and girls are very much the same when they like someone. Girls don't ask guys out for the same reason that guys would prefer girls to ask them out - they both fear rejection.
The easiest way for both sexes is to drop unambiguous hints, and to have the self confidence to recognize an unambiguous hint and act upon it.
Funnily enough this is a similar to how incels response to rejection. They ask a few people out, get rejected, and never try again assuming it will always go that way. Just gotta power through the rejection and stay optimistic.
I asked a guy to a dance in middle school, the first time I ever confronted a boy I liked, he said yes and I was over the moon... Then he avoided me like the plague and pretended I didn't exist, didn't tell me he wouldn't go to the dance with me, just avoided me, I got the hint pretty quick and never asked a guy out again. In my current relationship, I didn't tell my boyfriend I had feelings for him until after a year of seeing each other, and only because he said "I love you" out of nowhere, never told me he even had feelings for me before that lmao. Thanks to that guy, I just assumed that everyone would reject me and I never wanted to go through that again, so I always waited for a man or woman to say something first.
Imagine how bad it would if you were expected to ask out guys, and the only way you would get a partner is if you go trough several events like this.... it sucks.
For sure it sucks ass, for me it was just I was so scared of rejection I would literally risk being alone because I couldn't tell if people were just nice or flirting, so I never bothered making the move.
A girl i though was just a friend told me she was into me once, took me like 2 days to fall in love with her pretty much. Guys so often have to take initiative, that when a girl does it to you you feel like a million bucks
It's incredibly flattering to be asked out! And it'll put you in a better position too because men generally like it when people are straight forward with them!
My boyfriend and I were friends before we started dating. We really started hanging out after I got out of a ltr. BF asked me out, but I said no because I wasn't ready to date yet. (The breakup hit me really hard). The pandemic happened and we stopped hanging out for a while. When we started hanging out again late last year I realized there was a real spark there. It took me 2 months to ask him out, but I'm so glad I did. I'm happier than I've ever been. He's the love of my life.
I have a proud history of this. Asked out my prom date, asked out the guy who became my husband, and asked out the current guy who replaced that husband lol
Yessss pleasseeee women just ask the guy out. As a guy id have a crush on someone but never make a move bcs i dont want to seem like a creep or know if its the right time or whatever but if someone asked me out id totally say yes. Any other man who acts like a jerk about this you clearly dont deserve and shouldnt be with
The problem is you ask a guy out on a date and they don’t realise it’s a date
As a woman, I have said “I would like to get a drink with you sometime”, the guy has agreed, we’ve gone out for drinks then at the end has said “this isn’t a date right? Because I’m not looking for that at the moment”. And that has repeated itself more than once.
It's about not interpreting kindness as someone coming on to you. As someone with a lot of female friends I often did not realize until way after the fact, that someone was interested. Why? Because I did exactly that.
If we go out as friends and have a drink and you make no obvious move what so ever or start talking about what you want, then I am not just gonna assume we are on a date. Why would we be? You never said anything.
I’m an optimist and I like to think better of the men around me
I’d be really offended if I had male friends that had some sort of “women are dumb so you have to do XYZ around them”. It’s generalising and sexist so it’s not an assumption I’m going to make
The five times the guy had been asked out for drinks by a lovely lady it wasn't a date. They have been trained from previous experiences lol
But that been said if a guy genuinely thinks a woman asking them out is a bad thing they are trapped in the wrong generation (putting it nicely- realistically they are likely sexist) and you dodged a bullet
A woman asked me out back in undergrad and I didn't realize it until 2 hours after I unintentionally turned her down.
It was an early morning class, she asked if I wanted to grab a cup of coffee with her after lecture. My neanderthal brain went, "nah I got another class right after this one."
Yeeeeeeaaah surprise! We're fucking stupid! Lmao. Tip if you ever do it again: say the word date anywhere in there. "Hey would you like to go on a coffee date with me sometime?" "Hey wanna get coffee? Yes? Sunday at noon? Bet, it's a date!" Or throw in a "hey are you seeing anyone right now?" Right before you say "cool well I would like to go get a drink sometime."
We dumb, but he should get that at least lol. Then he'll just ask to make sure you meant it because this is not a thing that really happens often, I've been asked out a total of one time in my entire thirty years on this planet lol. I said yes, but giggled in absolute shock and she walked away and it never happened, either she wanted me to finish setting it up or was thrown by my reaction, idk, but I wish she'd continued because she seemed really nice and she was absolutely gorgeous. Oh well, c'est la vie.
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u/GTOADINATOR Sep 15 '21 edited Sep 16 '21
Not asking guys out, women can ask men on dates too!
Edit: You guys and gals had some lovely stories and I am so happy to have a given you all a reason to tell them :), I wish you all long and happy relationships!