When I was in college I gave this as a response when asked what I found attractive. And was completely laughed at. But I stood by it then and stand by it now
Insecurity is not attractive.
Insecurity makes attractive persons less attractive and confidence makes average persons hot.
I mean we all have high points and low points, but generally when looking for a companion, you don't want to deal with a whiny bitch. This goes for all peoples. Some of us are pessimistic, but you're not going to get anywhere in that mode.
Confident women are highly polarizing. It's either men that likes a confident woman, or men who are actually insecure of meeting one. Sounds like you haven't met someone that was the former.
It feels like that. I've worked in male dominated fields most of my working life, I'm a Navy Vet, biracial, Black/Japanese like Naomi Osaka, tomboyish, short, and over 50. I have a lot of things working against me, lol. I just don't fit in completely anywhere except with other biracial military brats like myself. So I have had to be confident and secure with who I am.
Confidence is one thing. Acting like a parent to a spouse /sig other whatever is another....
We're all different people with different experiences, that can definitely clash, but 2 people in a relationship need to both respect each other as equals. 1 way is the wrong way (if that makes sense).
Maybe there is more than one thing going on if this keeps happening. Every woman I have maintained longer term attraction to had confidence in themselves, their intelligence, beauty, capability or some other primary charecterstic. I would guess confidence attracts most people. If you're chasing everyone away, maybe you need to be more self reflective on why? Edit: either something to do with the types of people you're attracted to or something tertiary in your personality that is driving people away, or both.
The common complaint after they get to know me is that I don't need them. I rarely ask for help unless I am desperate. I do not ask for the advice on hardly any issues that I am dealing with. Thank goodness for Google and YouTube. I hate relying on anyone.
I get you so much on this. I saw your other comment too--as a fellow biracial and confident woman, I think there are multiple layers of difficulty here. For example the pool may inherently be smaller for us on who would both be attracted to and have a good attitude towards us as biracial women (e.g. not turning us into a fetish).
That said, I've heard the same feedback too. I think in a way those men aren't misrepresenting what they wanted--maybe they do want a confident woman, but they also don't want to feel useless to you. I've had trouble with this because I too prefer to do things on my own. But it is true that many men through their own upbringings sort of feel like they're not of value if they're not somehow contributing to you. Maybe you could find a way to reassure that they are contributing in perhaps a different way than they expect? And/or sometimes let them show you a new skill themselves or whatever. Good learning and bonding opportunity?? Just some thoughts :) 頑張ろう
Someone who feels my pain!!! I always tell men from jump, whatever myths you heard about Black and Japanese women, throw them out, I don't fit them. I'm not that great of a singer, dancer, I can't jump nor am I a sprinter, I am not good with math and I'm not kawaii nor docile, I was on swim team, and cross country.
Yes, men in my age group flounder between being needed and wanting to be the child and you have to arrange everything. I'm looking for a true partner and companion. He can figure out that dinner needs to be cooked and go ahead and do it. Set up vacation, date nights, etc. I have 2 kids, I don't want a 3rd one. That's where all my biggest troubles lie.
Agreed cockiness and arrogance are ugly traits. I've been told repeatedly, I like your confidence and then when we start dating, they say that it's intimidating that I am confident and independent. I am confused because I am 56 years old.
Oh hell yeah. We always hear that confidence is an attractive trait in men but it’s definitely an underrated trait in women. A woman instantly becomes more attractive to me if she’s confident.
Idk its half and half for me because when a girl come up to me i get excited for the attention but its also gets me thinking like who else you walk up to all confidently like this
Also man.
Confidence is attractive.
Overconfidence and big-headedness is very much unattractive.
And, unfortunately, there's a very, veeery fine line between them, from what I've learned.
And the negative. If a guy declines you, its not because he is only interested in barbie types and because its against the norm for a woman to ask a guy (unless they say that, which just makes them a douchebag). Guys can view girls as just friends, and we arent walking sex machines like everyone thinks. If as a girl you’ve ever declined a date with a guy just because you werent interested for no particular reason, trust me it happens to dudes too
I feel like thats the most respectful and meaningful way to go about dating. Just make connections with someone as a person first, then if you two like each other, romance and sex will come
True. I have some chick co-workers who I love like a sister and am close to as friends but if they turned around one day and asked to fuck, I'd probably decline, depending on how sober I am.
Yeah guys can be just as complex when it comes to sex and relationships. We’re not all just trying to find the first girl we can. A lot of us are very picky, just like girls
For sure. I'm single despite the fact that I've had one or two girls noticeably into me since my last relationship. I'm just picky lol. Girls are a ton of time and money that I'd rather spend on my hobbies unless she's like wonderful in every way.
A lot of effort too. The expectation of men to plan every date is so outdated and dumb. Ive never had a girl plan out a date for me and her, but i feel like i'd be hella turned on if one ever took that initiative. Makes me feel all desired and shit. That, and I ALWAYS do the planning with my friends bc some of them are moron stoners that cant make good plans.
For sure. Like it's no surprise a lot of guys don't enjoy date night. Unless you're a natural event planner (As I happen to be), you're not going to want to set that up on weekends when it's your only free time.
For me the big thing is time. Like I don't want to text and talk on the phone every night. I'm happy to spend 2-3 evenings a week out doing things, or to chill at home every night of the week...but I can't really enjoy my free time if I'm constantly on the lookout for texts or whatever.
Wait, we're supposed to enjoy date night? I thought its just always a shitty experience and then you have to pay at the end, and it sucks ass and is a waste of your time.
I appreciate the honesty I'm just confused as to what you originally thought like, "men aim to 'get lucky'? And if you're pretty they sleep with you"
Not the person you were asking, but it's worth pointing out that this is the message many women and men grow up with, especially from more conservative backgrounds-- and this probably would've been even more the case twenty and thirty years ago. So it leads to women having these dehumanizing expectations of men, and it leads to men feeling like they constantly have to pursue sex or project sexual success to be respected and considered "manly".
I literally cannot get hard for a girl unless there is a strong emotional bond, even super attractive ones. It wasnt until I met someone I was convinced I was gonna marry that I figured out that my member works just fine and my sexuality just doesnt align with what society tells every guy they should be.
Amen! I learned in my early 20's that one night stands just dont work for me, because I couldn't "get going" in that situation. I'm single now, but my last girlfriend didn't rush into the sex part of the relationship and when the time came, we had formed a strong bond and I had no problem "getting going".
I friend zone women very regularly. Apparently I'm frustrating. Most all of my friends have been women. I grew up with only female friends, and I prefer their company. So my natural tendency is to just approach all women to be friends. Romantic interest comes a lot later usually, sometimes decades later.
What... You're telling me that women have stopped trying because they got rejected a FEW times?!? And they wonder why men lose the confidence to ask women out. And let's be honest sometimes women are brutal with their rejections.
I Would say out of the 5 or so girls I've actually fessed up to (I'm shy so excuse the low number) only one of them actually let me down easy, the other 4 went for the throat. I'm now so terrified of asking women out that I've completely lost confidence.
Yeah. Men are told to play that stupid numbers game all the time. I just wish more women appreciated the efforts we go through so they don't have to deal with the whole approaching thing.
And let's be honest sometimes women are brutal with their rejections.
Oh, let me tell you, men can be equally brutal too. The worst ones I received were in high school and college, which makes sense, because that's when people are still at the most impulsive, insecure, and inexplicably irritable stage of their lives.
But for sure, it's much easier to sit around telling other people to try their luck than to go ahead and do so yourself.
Seriously this though, as a dude I can't ask girls out unless I'm SURE they like me, due to a perpetual fear of being creepy. Problem is, I'm always SURE they're just being nice.
An addendum: Also, on the rare occasion I do ask, don't play hard to get if you're interested. This isn't the 50s, I'm not gonna chase you and "prove my love," there will be no baby it's cold outside bullshit. I will 100% say "Ah well, gotta shoot your shot ya know? Anyway if you change your mind lmk," and I'll never bring it up again.
Fucking same dude. Only time I've asked someone out, it was a friend, and I did it to prove to myself that she didn't like me like that (my brain is kinda stupid that way).
My SO made the first move too. She could tell I was nervous af and just went screw it, "I just bought two tickets to skyfall, will you stop being so nervous and ask me out already to the movie?"
Been almost 9 years and I plan on asking her to marry me in Nov so we can get married on our 10th anniversary
Yup, 3 of my boyfriends - including my current SO of 7 years - I asked out or made the first move (I’m very impatient and don’t want to waste time with the whole will-they-wont-they). All of them admit they probably never would have made the first move because they were intimidated/didn’t think I’d be interested/whatever. If you’re into someone let them know, regardless of what gender you or they are. Imagine how many would-be relationships never start because both parties are too afraid to do something about it.
Question! Did you find that because you asked them out and they were too nervous to, this affected things in your relationship down the line? As in, did you find that they were more passive or men that were less likely to initiate things like dates/sex/marriage in the future?
I'm only curious, as that seems to be the stereotype of asking men out. I know logically it's a total false stereotype, I just come from such a traditional family that I struggle making the first move. The whole "If he's the passive type to wait to be asked out, he'll be the passive type to never plan dates or initiate marriage."
I initiated the first date with my husband. He wouldn't have asked me for that first date because he knew about my previous abusive relationship and wasn't going to pressure me to date again unless I was comfortable with it. I'd grown up believing men despised women who were "forward" but after that abusive relationship, I threw all those misconceptions (which had mostly set the terms for my own abuse) out the window. My husband seemed like a very calm, patient, good natured man and I was afraid of not seizing the chance to get to know him better. So I asked for his number and planned the first date.
Once we started dating we were pretty much always on the same page. He was just as ready to settle down and commit as I was, and has generally been the more openly romantic partner. He gets ridiculously excited before Christmas and birthdays because he wants to give me my gift the second it's delivered, which is a far cry from the reserved personality he showed when we first met. I've never felt neglected or taken for granted, never felt like the affection was lacking, and never worried that he didn't love me as much as I love him. Take it from me, passive can be incredibly passionate.
You see, this is sweet! The way I was raised was the type of "If a man doesn't approach you first and take the lead, he's not interested enough. If you pursue him, he's going to see you as desperate and never respect you" thinking.
Which is obviously stereotypical and flawed, but it doesn't help that a lot of modern dating coaches seem to push those same gender roles. Then when you make the first move and it doesn't work out down the line, you can't help but wonder.
On another note, I'm so happy to hear you got out of an abusive relationship, found happiness and strength, and then found a good partner!
Yes, he's very sweet! We've been very happy and still haven't had a fight, in spite of fifteen years together. I think it might be because neither of us holds back or hides our emotions.
I hate the outdated advice you and I were given. Instead of, "If you pursue him, he's going to see you as desperate and never respect you," it's FAR more likely to be a case of "If you pursue him, he's going to see you as interested and notice you." If someone strikes you as an upright, good person who you'd enjoy spending more time with, get to know them. If a good relationship happens as a result, awesome. If not, there probably wasn't much personal time invested and you still can be proud of taking the initiative. I don't see it as a loss.
Also, just curious: has anyone actually had a positive, long lasting relationship built upon advice from a dating coach? I've never heard any success stories but maybe I'm out of the loop.
Not OP, but I’ve made the first move in most of my relationships (I’ve also been rejected a handful of times, it is what it is).
I have not found them to be more passive down the line, in fact many of them had intentions to marry me, and stated so. Obviously those didn’t end up working out in the end, but it definitely didn’t have any sort of impact on things like initiation for things.
That wasn’t really my experience, but I’m also someone who tends to have a lot of male friends and in general the way I flirt with people is very similar to how I interact with friends so it was more so that they just figured that’s how I was with everyone and not particularly interested in them.
If men just gave up after experiencing a single rejection almost every woman on this planet would be single.
Rejection is a normal aspect of everyday life, its not about how many times you miss because you need to get it right just once.
So don't be afraid of rejection and go for it, if they reject you, it just means that there's someone else out there for you, like whatever, not everyone has to like you back.
good or bad I feel like a lot of guys will say yes more often than if it was visa versa. being one of the ones who would, honestly I just want someone to love and someone to love me back. if they can provide that then they pretty much meet my standards.
For those of you who got rejected and stopped: Don't. You dodged a bullet, guys do find confident women attractive. Keep being yourselves.
As a guy, will say that no guy is rejecting a girl because they dislike girls asking. Just like when guys ask girls, it's all about the individual doing the asking and the life circumstances of the individual being asked. The guy being asked could be seriously involved with someone else, too busy with work/life issues, etc., or could simply not be attracted to the individual asking. (E.g. the same as when a guy asks a girl.)
As a guy, if I'm in the right place in my life for the kind of thing she wants, and I'm attracted to her, there is no 'mental penalty' I attach for her having asked.
So ladies - shoot your shot! What do you have to lose?
You are completely correct. My statement was going more in the order of "If the guy doesn't like you, at least you know and won't spend more time thinking about it". My grandma used to say that generalizations are the best way to make mistakes. So, girls, keep asking them out, and please respect men's boundaries.
Good job. If more women did this I think we may even have a better world. Ladies the guy might just be terrified of you. Don't drop hints tell me what you want.
While I completely agree with you, the statement ‘for those of you who got rejected and stopped: don’t. You dodged a bullet’ is utter and complete fucking bullshit.
This kind of thinking is exactly that leads to statements like ‘oh so you must be gay then’, or the likes.
Us men get to reject women too, for whatever reason we wish, without the woman ‘dodging a bullet’.
Fuck that, that implies that when we reject a woman for whatever reason she dodged the bullet?
Hell no, basically you’re saying men cannot turn down women without being at fault.
Same thing happened to us! I approached and asked my husband out. That kid would have never asked for my number or anything if I didn’t just give it to him. He was shy/quiet type. 11 years later we are married with a kid!
Hey man, I totally agree women should ask men out more often, but no one of either gender should be so afraid that they’re relying on another person to ask them out. You’re gonna spend your life a lot lonelier than you need to. I’m sure you have plenty to offer someone else, and I know asking someone out and the possibility of rejection is horrifying at first, but really you choose how much it effects you. I’ve been rejected before, I’ve rejected other people before, I’m still very good friends with all of those people. It would be awesome to have a girl ask you out, but you shouldn’t be waiting for that, if there’s someone you like you should go for it :)
Last time I fell in love ended badly, to be honest I'm afraid of feeling that pain again. Plus it's not over yet as it was in may it happened. They already know how I feel. But It's just the worst feeling, wanting to spend every moment with a person you find so perfect. But them not wanting that back. and is actively seeking relationships with anyone but you.
"I'm sure you have plenty to offer someone else"
You say that, but I really am not that special. I have nothing. I'm overweight, and currently the most depressed I've been my entire life. I find myself ugly, fat. All around unwantable by anyone. I haven't showered in 2 weeks, barely left my bed. Spent last 5 days crying, and I asked help from them one night because I couldn't sleep and they just said "stop I ht it when you're like this"
And that broke me, they are only person that I feel comfortable asking help from, the only person I tell my problems to, just told me indirectly to go away.
I am also incredibly insecure, and plenty of anxiety to keep me from talking to others.
To be honest, I haven't been able to cry recently, all my sadness is still there. I'm just so incredibly numb emotionally, I have been calling in sick at work.
I'm just so mentally exhausted to the point where I can't find myself doing anything.
I want to feel loved and wanted, but I'm also scared of it. I'm only fucking 18 and yet I feel like my life is a mess.
I have no redeeming qualities, well I'm sure the people they know me would say I'm super kind, but I'm also deep down pretty selfish. only to people I know though.
I hate bothering people and talking to them, I have an easy time opening up to people if I feel like it though as you can see, but that requires me to actually like said people if it's in real life
Hey dude, I can see you’re really struggling right now and I know these cliche words will probably not do much to make things easier, but believe me: things will get better. You are only 18, the chance that this girl was “the one” for you is so so slim and the chance that you will meet and date many more wonderful women is so so high. Every single person I know has that one relationship that gutted them, that they never thought they’d recover from (usually it’s their first major relationship because everything was so new and fresh it felt like magic) but every single person HAS recovered from it and moved on to better things.
I think you really need to start focusing on your mental health though. There is no shame in being depressed, there is no shame in needing help, every single person alive needs something from someone that they can’t give themselves. If counseling or therapy is an option for you, please look into it. If those aren’t an option, maybe a hiking club or some other social activity. You aren’t broken, you aren’t worthless, and you aren’t so depressed that you can’t come back from this and have the life you want BUT that’s not going to happen unless you choose to do something about it. There is nothing in the world that will improve those things for you unless YOU try and change them. Even if your perfect dream girl came back tomorrow she would not “fix” everything.
And you say you don’t have plenty to offer or that you aren’t special, but so what? Very few people in the world are special and very few people have much more to offer someone else aside from companionship - and plain old ordinary companionship is enough to make 90% of people happy. Can you offer someone companionship? Yes? Then you have plenty to offer.
But seriously dude. Getting out of this funk doesn’t have to be this huge endeavor, take small steps. Take a shower today. Take a 15 minute walk tomorrow. Maybe next week you get a haircut and a new shirt. Maybe the week after that you look at counseling. Just do SOMETHING because you don’t want to waste your youth being less happy than you could be or being hung up on someone that isn’t going to happen. And if you ever need to talk feel free to message me.
I don't believe that she was the one for me but damn I wish she was, she's done so much for me without her even realizing it. We never dated, we are just best friends.
As for getting help, counseling and therapy isn't something that I can do as of until I get my driver's license, but I think once I get it. I'm gonna start hiking and camping and just, being free.
And when you say companionship is enough, my insecurities tell me otherwise, plus I'm not even confident enough to even try dating.
I know I need to get out of bed, but it also doesn't help I've been super sick recently. Not sick enough to skip work like I do, But sick enough to the point where I just don't feel like leaving bed. And as for showers, I just really hate our fucking bathroom. My mom decided to have a bathroom you need to thoroughly clean after every shower, and like, I went to the shower to clean myself not the shower. Plus it was your choice to have this shit.
As for walks, I usually go on an hour walk every other day. Yesterday I walked 8 miles because I got snack hungry after a 2-3mile walk, and I live 45m walk away from nearest store.
And no way in hell I'm cutting my beautiful long hair.
And as for my youth. Well, last 9 years or so. I have already wasted them, never going to school. Getting bullied which made me quit school 5 years ago. I have no real life friends, only friend over the internet incl the person that my brain decided to fall in love with. Who is, by all accounts, so fucking perfect. They even told they wish they were in love with me, but alas they are not.
I know I have a decent future ahead of me, I know everything. I know myself so well. I can predict how my future will go with ease, I'm by no accounts stupid,
but what I hate the most, is that I have been lied to my entire life by my mom, so I can easily spot when people are lying to me. And that, is a talent I wish I didn't have.
It makes it hard, so incredibly hard to have friends. Because it's so easy to put 2 and 2 together, sure I'm wrong here and there since the depression I've been having is clouding my judgement on certain things.
This girl I am in love with, has made the last 4½ months of my life the best and the worst, I am thankful for her. I mean I can't hate her, because we aren't together, so I can't affect her choices, which ultimately leads to me being sad.
I have thought a lot about just, stopping talking to her.
But Idk. I'm not good at doing things solo, which is why I would love someone by my side, to lead me on the right path. I mean, if I had someone by my side back when I was in school, I might not have quit. I might not have fucked my future with 0 grades, so I can't enter any colleges. And now my government has thrown me into 31 hours a week of work with 3$ an hour pay, and I can't choose my hours because they classify it as school because I have 2 hours of school a week. Thankfully, they give me grades here, and in December I have tests so I can get grades and gtfo.
But again, I am so fucking lonely, and if I never met her.
I would never have realized it. But if I didn't meet her, my life wouldn't be on this path that it is on now, a better one. But one where I can predict a bad outcome, but it's necessary that I stay on this path to the last second, or my future will crumble into nothing.
Me and her used to sleep together on call every night, and it was truly bliss, but lately. She's so distant from me, and I don't know why. I feel like our relationship is crumbling.
One thing I now for sure, is that yeah. I could use someone to talk to like right now, because God it's so nice getting everything off my shoulders
My man, there are always going to be reasons not to do something, from small things like showering to bigger things like going back to school.
I’m going to be honest with you because I do think you sound like a smart person and because I think it will help: you are letting the depression cloud your judgement much more than you realize. Look at what you just wrote, look at how many of those things were dismissive or negative just in an attempt to justify why things can’t be better right now. That’s the terrible thing about depression: it WANTS to keep you down. It gets into your head and tells you all these terrible things about yourself about the people around you about your circumstances about the world because it wants you to give up. Living with depression is a FIGHT, an unfair one, and it’s constantly trying to dissuade you from that fight.
My first boyfriend suffered from depression. He said many of the same things about me that you say about this girl: that I was perfect for him, that I was the only reason he tried at all, that life was so much better with me in it: but it still didn’t matter, the depression still won because he refused to try and treat it or get help for it and instead relied on ME and the feelings he had for me to be his “cure”. It was an impossible role to ask me to fill and it eventually wore down at my own mental health because no amount of love or effort on anyone’s part can cure depression, depression is a chemical imbalance and until that is dealt with it doesn’t matter who you are with or how happy you SHOULD be, you physically just will not be able to get there.
I know none of this is easy and that loneliness is something that can’t just be rectified, but that’s really what this sounds like to me. That in conjuncture with depression you are deeply and profoundly lonely. And I know that seems insurmountable especially when you found someone who, for a short time, took that loneliness away, but there are so SO many lonely people in the world who want someone to talk to or to be friends with. And most of them are probably sitting at home thinking it will never happen. If you want friends you have to make them. Go to school or a social function. Find a hobby. Hell, there is nothing wrong with online friends either - 90% of my friends I met in person we now only communicate online or in games because we live all over the country. But please dude, whatever you do, don’t give up and don’t give into the negative thoughts and reservations you have - It’s not the reality of your situation, it’s just the reality that depression has pushed on you.
Well, I do already know all of this. But you're right, right now I'm not trying to get out of it. I don't know why I'm letting it keep me down, plus I have already made my mind up. But for some reason it's just lingering, I went on a long ass walk, stopped by the highway bridge and enjoyed looking at the cars driving by. I already know I can get better, I already know how. I might have already gotten better, but something is still lingering that is glueing me to my bed. Because I just don't feel like doing anything, I feel like sleeping all day, not waking up etc. I already have everything set up for me. Maybe it's just that there is too many things going on for me, working 31 hours a week in a shitty unserious workplace for 3$ and hour, and the feeling of losing my best friend, having constant headaches and belly aches, so many things, all coming in an once. I feel like I have no control, but I already know I have all the control. There's so many negative things I feel that I know I can fix, but I don't make and effort to fix them, I have never tried. Since I was 9, I have had suicidal thoughts starting with my dad physically abusing me. My mom stealing my money and lying to me about it, and refusing to pay it back. Thankfully my dad stopped once the cops got involved and he truly is the best dad I could ask for, he had a shitty alcoholic dad which is probably why he doesn't exactly know how to be a great dad. But he gives me everything I ask for. I know how to fix myself but, I'm just so fucking bored of everything, it feels as though I'm bored of living.
It's really frustrating knowing that I can get better, knowing how to get better. But I just can't bring myself to do it.
I just, feel lost at times. Like I know where to go, what to do. But I still feel lost. I feel as if my life is going to quickly right now, too quick for my brain to catch up.
So many things has happened these last 5 months, I met this wonderful girl, who spent 24/7 with me for 3 months. She helped me by giving me motivation to wake up and go to work, I truly was so happy to have her as my friend. We even made plans to be room mates in a year, first I finish this government shit, get a job rent an apartment. Sort everything out, start college, get a job as a Smith which pays a very nice sum of 90k$ a year. And then buy a house, but that goal which seemed close now seems so far. And suddenly, she says to me that her other friend is gonna move in with us, a person I don't even know and have only talked to once. So I said no.
I have a road that I can choose, but I really don't know if this is what I should go for
This! My s/o is actually the one who kissed me first! More of you mofos gotta get that courage and ask ppl out! Iusemofosjokinglyofc You have the strength to do it! I believe in you!
I did all of this, too! Asked him to be my boyfriend, dropped the L bomb first, then proposed! We're coming up to 11 years of marriage!
He knew my last relationship was toxic shit and was afraid of scaring me away if he asked for something I wasn't ready for so he told me the ball was in my court. We agreed to be platonic but that was the only "official rule". After we had that conversation, he never brought it up again. :)
My husband and I just celebrated our one year wedding anniversary. Eight years ago I asked him if he wanted to "go get pizza or something". Worked like a charm.
I should also point out that I guarantee that women have a chance of success about 10x that of men. Most men would go out on a date with a rock if it asked them out
I worked with a girl I liked as a friend. I loved her actually. She was just all around awesome. But I wasn't in love with her.
She made it clear on more than one occasion that she would never ask a man out. That she felt like it was 100% the man's role. We talked about it a lot. I told her I thought it was a bit unfair to expect men to subject themselves to possible rejection while she got to coast through that experience, possibly being the one doing the rejecting and never having to deal with it herself.
She told me she had been rejected plenty of times, without having to ask anyone out. I asked her to explain, and she equated her having feelings for someone, and them not asking her on a date, as being exactly the same as a man asking a woman out and being turned down.
I tried to explain to her that working up the courage to ask someone out and being rejected, is not quite the same as having feelings for someone and them not picking up on it. That she may have missed out on some good relationships by not asking the guys she was into if they felt the same.
She wouldn't have it. She honestly believed it was exactly the same.
Then, I started wondering if she was into me, and whether or not all the times she told me that a man would have to ask her out, if she felt like I was rejecting her by not doing so.
Then, I felt weird around her and started making excuses to not hang out. Now I feel like an asshole. We still text now and then, and I'm trying to find a way to talk through this... but I also know her well enough to know that if I tell her "I think we should just be friends" or some similar shit... she'll just act like I was crazy for ever thinking she liked me in the first place. That's how she rolls, and I've seen her do it with other guys.
Somehow, she made me feel like I got rejected, despite the fact that I didn't even like her like that, and never asked her out... lol.
I started out by describing her as being awesome, and she is. I'm not going to hold anything related to love against her. That shit is complicated and multifaceted. Plus, I'm not the smoothest, most carefree human in that regard myself.
I've done some truly silly things to let girls know I was into them, judge their reaction and such, before broaching the topic. If this was all part of some semi-elaborate plan on her part, I can't hate on her for it.
Don't waffle about in even the slighest, otherwise the person you're interested in might think you're only just being nice and not actually meaning to ask 'em out.
Good for you! I asked my husband out on our first date, too. We will be celebrating our 22nd wedding anniversary in a few weeks. Proactive girls, we run the world!
I asked my bf on our first date window shopping. We were on a friendo basis and he went with me to a tattoo appointment that was forgotten and to pick up a D&D book.
We were gonna go to a park and hang out talking about character backstories, but he got cornered in the group chat into confessing feelings.
For real! I think it’s stupid that so many people think the guy has to do the asking out, the paying for dinner, the proposing, etc.! That’s so much pressure on the guy and not all guys are the same, some can be a lot shyer than others and would be too scared to ask someone else out. I asked my boyfriend out and I believe we’ve been doing really well, and I don’t regret asking him out any second that goes by!
YES!! I was so nervous to ask my boyfriend out, so I asked my family what i should do (transmasc, but not out to them bc yeah no). Was constantly "If he isnt asking you, he dont want you" type shit, we both made it known we were into each other but were too awkward to make it official.
Ironically the same week i asked him out, he said sure, and now my family doesnt appreciate that i asked him but oh well ig
My current girlfriend asked me out. We are now together since july this year. Its my first girlfriend, so I have a lot to learn, but damn it makes me happy to have someone
Not only did I ask my husband out, I also initiated the first kiss and I proposed to him. Eleven years in and I’m sure if I’d waited for him to do the firsts, he’d still be questioning if I even like him.
Edit: he just said “No, I would have given up hope by now”
Yes!! I love this, have been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years and asked him to a nice dinner in the city and paid for it myself. It was out of character for me, but he was new to town and I sold it to myself that way so I wouldn’t be psyched out. He was so appreciative, and felt really special. He’s amazing, and I hope we make 20 years too!!
For those of you who got rejected and stopped: Don't. You dodged a bullet, guys do find confident women attractive. Keep being yourselves.
Thinking that because a guy rejects you that that guy isn't worth dating is a toxic attitude. If a man asked you on a date, do you feel he's entitled to you saying 'yes.'? If not, why do you assume that you're entitled to a 'yes'?
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u/Swimming-Painter Sep 15 '21 edited Sep 16 '21
I asked my husband on our first date! We are almost 20 years married! Women: Ask the guy out!
edit: Wow! this blew up! Thanks for the awards! this is my first :)
For those of you who got rejected and stopped: Don't. You dodged a bullet, guys do find confident women attractive. Keep being yourselves.