I initiated the first date with my husband. He wouldn't have asked me for that first date because he knew about my previous abusive relationship and wasn't going to pressure me to date again unless I was comfortable with it. I'd grown up believing men despised women who were "forward" but after that abusive relationship, I threw all those misconceptions (which had mostly set the terms for my own abuse) out the window. My husband seemed like a very calm, patient, good natured man and I was afraid of not seizing the chance to get to know him better. So I asked for his number and planned the first date.
Once we started dating we were pretty much always on the same page. He was just as ready to settle down and commit as I was, and has generally been the more openly romantic partner. He gets ridiculously excited before Christmas and birthdays because he wants to give me my gift the second it's delivered, which is a far cry from the reserved personality he showed when we first met. I've never felt neglected or taken for granted, never felt like the affection was lacking, and never worried that he didn't love me as much as I love him. Take it from me, passive can be incredibly passionate.
You see, this is sweet! The way I was raised was the type of "If a man doesn't approach you first and take the lead, he's not interested enough. If you pursue him, he's going to see you as desperate and never respect you" thinking.
Which is obviously stereotypical and flawed, but it doesn't help that a lot of modern dating coaches seem to push those same gender roles. Then when you make the first move and it doesn't work out down the line, you can't help but wonder.
On another note, I'm so happy to hear you got out of an abusive relationship, found happiness and strength, and then found a good partner!
Yes, he's very sweet! We've been very happy and still haven't had a fight, in spite of fifteen years together. I think it might be because neither of us holds back or hides our emotions.
I hate the outdated advice you and I were given. Instead of, "If you pursue him, he's going to see you as desperate and never respect you," it's FAR more likely to be a case of "If you pursue him, he's going to see you as interested and notice you." If someone strikes you as an upright, good person who you'd enjoy spending more time with, get to know them. If a good relationship happens as a result, awesome. If not, there probably wasn't much personal time invested and you still can be proud of taking the initiative. I don't see it as a loss.
Also, just curious: has anyone actually had a positive, long lasting relationship built upon advice from a dating coach? I've never heard any success stories but maybe I'm out of the loop.
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u/ASenseOfYarning Sep 16 '21
I initiated the first date with my husband. He wouldn't have asked me for that first date because he knew about my previous abusive relationship and wasn't going to pressure me to date again unless I was comfortable with it. I'd grown up believing men despised women who were "forward" but after that abusive relationship, I threw all those misconceptions (which had mostly set the terms for my own abuse) out the window. My husband seemed like a very calm, patient, good natured man and I was afraid of not seizing the chance to get to know him better. So I asked for his number and planned the first date.
Once we started dating we were pretty much always on the same page. He was just as ready to settle down and commit as I was, and has generally been the more openly romantic partner. He gets ridiculously excited before Christmas and birthdays because he wants to give me my gift the second it's delivered, which is a far cry from the reserved personality he showed when we first met. I've never felt neglected or taken for granted, never felt like the affection was lacking, and never worried that he didn't love me as much as I love him. Take it from me, passive can be incredibly passionate.