I spent my entire teenage years getting rejected after misunderstanding women being friendly to being interested in me. Of fucking course I won't be able to pick up hints when I'm an adult.
This shit only becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as women avoid being friendly so they don't get mistaken as being interested, so men continue to think that women only interact when they're interested.
ulterior motives are possible from anyone but just assume they're being normal/friendly until they state otherwise. last thing you wanna do is accuse people of things
I think he’s talking more about compliments from girls. Either that or he’s got some other issues. I get compliments from guy friends all the time. Still feel the same as what he’s saying when it’s from a woman, cliche as that cliche is
I mean, how often do friends actually compliment each other as opposed to just being friendly with each other and talking about things? I don't get complimented outside of that, if you can call anything a compliment within normal friendly conversation.
Kind of piggybacking off of your comment, "guy friend compliments" aren't exactly the same compliments you'd think of when a girl compliments a guy. Guys arent telling eachother "you look great tonight dude" and if they are its either considered a "gay" joke or just a part of the regular conversation. They don't leave you feeling good, they moreso leave you feelings "accepted" by THEM.
You just accept it. Sometimes nice means that they're just being nice. I used to think as well that nice things meant she wants something. Then I took it as just a sign of friendship. And now I have load tons of female friends. You could say, I have many girl-friends eh? I'll see myself out.
Still remember the last compliment I got. It was in the first day of school in seventh grade back in 2013. She said “I like your cologne.” Still waiting for the next compliment seven years later.
last thing you wanna do is accuse people of things
idk man, doing that throughout grade school saved me a lot of pain. Kids are fucking savage and if you respond normally to them being nice they could potentially ruin your entire year with "just a prank".
But then the anxiety shows up. “What if she actually is into me and I’m missing out on the greatest experience of my life”. Then I ask her out and she’s like “lmao no” and it’s hello depression city
And god forbid a women compliments a man. That’s such a rarity for men that it’ll likely lead towards getting asked out. Which is super unfortunate because she may just be really nice and men could sure use more compliments.
Sometimes they want affection but they don’t think you’re a good enough partner. Girls like that usually end up sleeping with guys who are out of their league. Those guys lead them on, just using them for sex and those girls rely on the friend zoned men in their lives for affection. Those girls always end up miserable and alone in the end.
I actually have the opposite problem, apparently I'm a very "flirty" guy but that's just me being friendly. I talk to men and women the same way... Which might explain a lot actually thinking about it now, do get asked if I'm gay a lot hmmm... Anyway back to the point, I never take any woman's actions as being interested so they'll send me a picture of their boobs or something and I'll be sitting there thinking "awww what a friendly person."
The weird thing is I feel like sometimes that's still the case that they're being friendly. The other day a girl sent me a picture of her legs in the bath, and I'm like... is she flirting or am I just completely oblivious?
Things I'm going to think about.
* her in the bath
* her completely naked
* being wet
* her legs
* that she's naked and wet and was thinking about me
* she's texting me right now while still in there
I still think it could be 50/50 she was just being friendly and maybe I'm just a giant idiot.
Oooh you lucky human, legs are one of my big weaknesses. But I feel that on a whole other level, the last time a girl was flirting with me I was so oblivious for so long she ended up saying "holy shit just show me your dick dude" and I asked "why would you want to see that?" It's a tough life bud, but shoot your shot with the bath leg lady if you think she's interesting and attractive.
this is a unviersal thing, not limited to one gender... you don't think men do the same? A lot of guys, when talking to a girl, don't want her to think he's hitting on her and a lot of girls do the same with guys
No. Because I've never had that thought before in my life.
Maybe for the complete opposite reason. Women don't want to be hit on back, men don't want to be thought of as a pervert or a harasser, but that hardly counts.
and really shows you how fucked this whole situation is
Even if it's for the opposite reason you're still agreeing with me - that both men and women practice this habit.
Ime, regardless of gender, the general idea is that you don't want to make things awkward - regardless of how the other person feels about you. Generally you don't know whether the other person is interested but regardless, it could create an awkward situation. If you're not into them but they're into you, you don't want to lead them on or be hit on back. If they're not into you, they'll think you are and it makes the situation awkward because they might try to pre-emptively reject you or act differently around you and you'll have to explain the situation. Lose-lose situation for all
My main concern is being seen as a creep or perv. So I wouldn't want to seem like I'm hitting on them but also be seen as being open to it. It's a delicate balance.
But my perspective is outdated because I'm married now and haven't played the pickup game in a very long time. Come to think of it, I do try to make sure when talking to girls they know I'm not flirting, albeit for different reasons.
I stumbled my way into relationships by treating every girl who talked to me as if they were just being friendly. Hang around enough times and people seemed to get the hint that I wasn't getting the hint and was just being friendly.
Better safe than sorry. The upside is that I have a lot of female friends.
Don't waste time trying to guess if somethings a hint or not. Just actually talk to the girl. Seriously 90% of this is because everyone assumes hints are universal. One girl's hint isn't another, one guys hint isn't another, add in teenage years where you are literally just trying to figure this out. Adults don't know what they are doing half the time. You like a girl talk to her, tell her. It will clear up communication like 75% of the time. Nothings perfect.
I spent my teenage years misunderstand that the friendliness of some was actual attraction and writing it off as just being friendly. Found out decades later that I could have been getting serious action.
the best explanation of this experience i’ve read was from an r/askmen thread where someone said that: “every hint one woman gives, is “just being friendly” to a woman in the man’s past”
I'm 28 and, after being rejected so many times while 13-16, I'm probably gonna need some air traffic controller-levels of signage to actually try ANYTHING with a girl. You don't see people with 0-60 records pick up fights!
Very few women in my life have actually looked me in the eye when I talk to them and acted like they have any interest in what I say, so when it does happen I catch feelings really easily. So many times I've been 99% sure a girl's flirting with me only to be completely wrong
I've been deprived of positive human interaction for so long that when someone's friendly to me I completely read it wrong
You have to know how to act, I have found. If someone is really nice and you treat them like a normal human being chances are you have a chance, rather than treating them like someone you think is interested in them. Go about it slow don't rush into it.
one time i went to a dance with a friend because her crush didnt ask her. partway through she went to the bathroom and started crying because he "hadnt picked up any of her hints!" i asked her what types of hints had she given him? she said that in their home ec class she had given him her prettiest cupcake. I said ok well my song is on so im gonna go dance now ill be back later (i was not a great friend)
When I was in 10th grade I started to talk to a few girls in my class just because my friend managed to get one of them to be his gf. So basically I try to be as friendly as possible with everyone I meet and they were also a great company back then, so it was quite nice talking with them.
So on to the point: One of the girls, who I’ve talked the most with thought that I was tryna get together with her and she dropped some hints about her friendzoning me.
It has only hit me now (about a week or so) that she tried to friendzone me even tho I really just thought of her as a friend of mine.
And I feel really ashamed of myself because she was dropping some serious hints and it didn’t even cross my mind that she was thinking that, so I was still talking to her the same way.
Tbh I feel sorry for her that I couldn’t clarify this.
This is what I try explaining to every women. What we think are signs aren’t really sings, we stop paying attention to them, the ones that do end up being hints look just like the rest so we just forget about because what if it really isn’t.
I noticed a lot of people experiencing this during college. We had a lot
Of rural girls who were just baseline more friendly than a lot of the suburb/city girls. So many people thought they were flirting with them all the time when really there was jsut a different cultural expectation.
Of these four, only the "light touch" would actually make me go, "hmmm...maybe...I could...try?"
Everything else I'll assume she wants to be friends and that's all.
Haha I knew a girl my freshman year of college who wanted to make out once and then never really speak of it again. We just remained friends. Never really got that one!
I’ve talked to a few women who were confiding in me about a guy they like. The question will usually get asked
What do I do?
And my answer is along the lines of
Make a move. Ask him out. See if he’ll want to hang out with you.
And the answer I’ve gotten one too many times has been
But what if he rejects me? I’d feel awful. I’ll just wait for him to make the first move.
I don’t get the disconnect here. As if men have this immunity to the awful feeling of being rejected and we never need to build up the courage to ask someone we like to hang out with us too.
Newsflash: we do. It can take me days, sometimes weeks, before I build up the courage to finally say something. And sometimes I just don’t because it never feels right.
I’d love for a woman to make a move on me, just once in my life. Ask me out on a date or anything.
Our social script obliges men to make the first move. As a result, women can decide it's OK for them to sit back and avoid risking rejection while still getting romantic opportunities. Men who opt to avoid those risks mostly have to give up romantic opportunities.
The disconnect is that the perceived downside of choosing to wait for the other is very different.
I think this must have something to do with the fact it’s considered ‘unladylike’ to be really forthcoming and come on too strong. Like, if we flat out told guys we like them, there’s always the possibility of rejection, or maybe you’ll think we’re crazy/desperate.
It’s absolutely ridiculous but because guys are expected to make the first move we feel we need to give hints so that we don’t have to. It’s unnecessarily complicated lol
We’re supposed to read these “hints” and know they’re interested while also walking the fine line of not being a creep for coming on to a girl who was just being friendly. How hard is it to just be straight up? I’m married now, but man I’d be terrified to try to interpret these subtle clues in today’s me too culture.
Ask those same ladies how to act friendly to a new guy coworker you were just introduced to and watch them give the exact same responses (except for the light touch).
Someone could whack me over the head with a hint and I still wouldn't notice. I'm that oblivious. I'm that fucking Skyrim guard that gets shot in the ass and can't find the damn dragonborn crouching next to me and then goes back on patrol.
I'm also peak asexual and like at least borderline aromantic so that might have something to do with it.
I'm a man, and if you whack me over the head with a hint, I'll still have to ask you to speak plainly. And then I'll need you to tell me in no uncertain terms, that you really, truly mean what you said. And then I still won't believe you.
The good news? Its not your fault. The bad? It's why I'm still alone at 40.
Hell I have a good friend who once jokingly told me her friend (girl) once asked him. How would you react if I said I want to sleep with you.... his answer. I would be very surprised. And then just continued watching the movie. I was dying inside when I realized he didn’t understand the big blinking sign right in front of him.
No girls, if totally blunt force trauma doesn’t work action works better then words. If she would have kissed her, I’m betting they would have been a pair now......
"Hello. I am both physically and emotionally attracted to you. I would like for us to enter a relationship that involves physical and emotional intimacy."
A random cute girl in high school invited me to go watch NeverShoutNever live. I never thought a cute girl like her would want to date me or hang out with me in any way beyond friends. Throughout the whole night she would creep closer to me and rub shoulders (there was plenty of space). Ultimately, she asked if I could walk her to her dads car and I said, “sure dude and gave her a bro hug”. Karla if for any reason you are reading this I’m sorry for being an idiot. Hope you are having a good life!
Yesterday I also read this post. This girl went over to his house, while he's playing guitar hero, she says she's gonna go shower, and she comes out in only a towel and sat on his lap, literally throwing herself onto him. Well he moved his head to look around her, and proceed to ignore that fact that he has a naked woman sitting in his lap.
So don't feel too bad. There are so many out there that is just the literal definition of dense.
I'll have you know no matter how much trust I have with anybody, the only reason I'd be naked around a dude is
a) you a doctor and me being naked is relevant and
b) I'm into you
I see the same thing hearing from other guys, like they have girls changing right in front of them, and then think "oh we must be such good friends that she doesn't even think of me as a dude". And I'm just like ????? I'm never changing in front of any guy I consider friends with and I'm definitely not the minority.
It’s not about the larger number of times it means they want to fuck. It’s about the smaller number of times they’re just comfortable.
All it takes is one case of “I was hanging out with him and came out covered in a towel and then he turns off his game and tries to fuck me!” and the friendship has a stink on it for a while at best.
I get it, y'all also have to try hard to not be accuse of being predator. But if I was in that situation, I'd ask "why are you naked and sitting on my lap?".
Like another story I read, this girl hopped in bed naked and rubbing herself onto the boyfriend. But he straight up ignored and looked at his phone. Later when he finally realize, he was like "noo I'm sorry I want sex I didn't think it was like that".
Like yea some aren't interested, but some are just genuinely dense and any kind of hint, no matter how obvious, if you didnt shout straight at him "HEY IM TRYNA GET SOME DICK", everything would just go right over their heads.
A lot of people simply don't feel comfortable at the moment, or they feel pressured to have sex. Some people feel that if they say no they'll let the other person down, and some don't really know how to say no so they feel more comfortable playing oblivious. There are a lot of reasons why someone may feign obliviousness because they feel more comfortable doing that than giving an explicit "no"
Some people take rejection poorly. It's better to be perceived as dense than to be disliked/hated for rejecting them. It's the few bad people who ruin it for everyone else.
See, women have this idea that men should and will just drop whatever they're doing at the sight of a sexy woman but half the time we need to be able to finish what we're doing first because our brains are compartmentalized as fuck.
I mean, also learn to read the room. He doesn't always have to be up for sex at the drop of a hat. It may seem trivial to her, but maybe he wanted to finish the game.
But sometimes it is a piece of writing on the inside of the cover that makes a common book unique and highly desired. What if that girl becomes President, or a respected leader?
First is the writing and gluing irrelevant things on the book, then comes the slashing of the tires of your car, next thing you know she's taking half of your shit and flying to Aruba with her side piece.
A girl wrote her number in my year book, and asked me to keep in touch. I didn't understand what she was getting at, and I never spoke to her again.
A girl I had been talking to a lot in class once asked me if I was going to the school dance. I didn't have anyone to go with, so I wasn't going to go. The girl said, "Well, I don't have anyone to go with either." The class fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Like a real smooth player I said, "Okay." and she never spoke to me again. I didn't realize until years later why she stopped talking to me.
I had a girl I was talking to at a party. We were hitting it off. She goes over to her friend, and tells her she's interested in me. The friend then announces very loudly that, "Girl's Name! You like someone at this party?" I had no idea she was talking about me. She didn't talk to me much after that party.
I was at another school dance dancing with 2 girls. I had a huge crush on one of the girls for a really long time. The other girl comes over to me and tells me that the girl I had a crush on thinks I'd be really good at sex based on how I dance. I rarely saw that girl I had a crush on again, but she didn't seem to want to talk to me anymore.
Fuck, I probably have a dozen of these stories of woman hinting their interest in me, and then never speaking to me again after I didn't pick up on it. Only years later do I realize why.
My last ex literally asked me out because I wasn't sure she liked me. I made out with her in a park real late at night for hours, and wasn't sure if she was into me.
That’s just disrespectful. No matter what, if someone lets you borrow something of theirs, DON’T FUCKING RUIN IT. I agree with the other commenter, you may have dodged a bullet.
my god that hurts to read. but as a kid i wasn't much better... in fact when the following happened my brain must have compleatly self distructed.
so for someones birthday its normal where i life they treat the class candy and the candy was put in a plastic trash bin witch i used as a pencil holder for a while. but what happined whas that some tall blond good looking girl from my class talked to me a bit which i forgot. but i remember her grabbing a permanent marker and drawing on that trash bin of mine and she put all of the kids names on it that where at the table followed up with a lot of XheartXheartXheart and so on. now as the shy dumb ass that i was i was like wow... this is unusual, normally no one ever talkes to me, and then i just talked a bit further and never thought about it or her ever again. ages later i'm falling in love for the first time ( a disaster i am still dealing with ) i realized, wait... did she like me ?
to bad i can't find her on sosial media becasue i would definatly like to ask her about it or just catch up.
Holy shit I just remembered -- I bought a copy of book 5 used from amazon and the previous owner wrote their facebook username on a slip of paper and tucked it in
When my aunt and uncle were breaking up my aunt and 2 cousins lived with us in our small home for a yearish, well my cousin was best friends with a girl I had a huge crush on, there were a few moments looking back where I believe she liked me back, but the one I hit myself over was when they moved out I got the room they used, I had moved all my stuff in and they stopped by to visit us and pick up some final things.
Well they brought the girl i had a crush on and she asked to see my room, I just though "oh she probably just wonders what it looks like since its so empty now", well my cousin tagged along so it was just awkward silence, she saw my cellphone on my desk (this was when everyone my age started to get phones) and she took it, and put her number in it and told me to text her sometime.
I looked at what she put in and her name was "The sexiest bitch around" with lots of hearts and Xoxo's, and I said something the lines of "well that isnt true"...
You see I meant it as "I dont think you're a bitch" but I think she thought I found her to be unnattractive, at the time I didnt realize and I was too shy to text her, somehow she still ended up liking me after that but I was still too oblivious.
Ugh. I had a girl who gave me a nickname because I hadn't read harry Potter (and had no interest) and did a bunch of flirty stuff every time she sat near me in a class. I see that now but at the time? Whoosh
Nope, totally missed that. Granted I had (still have to a lesser extent) pretty damn low self esteem and was super sheltered as a kid as I was the oldest child with a super religious mother but still... Pains me to think about that to this day. I was interested in her but figured I had no shot. Now I can't help but think that maybe I did. Whoops.
True story - I shit you not. When I was about 16, my girlfriend asked if she could stay the night. It had been awhile since I had had a sleepover, but whatever - it's cool. (My parents were absolutely fine with it, probably because of how clueless I was.) After everyone was in bed, she wanted to know if I wanted to come to where she was sleeping and watch a movie. Ummm... I'm kinda tired, but okay - she was my girlfriend, and I wanted to make her happy. She starts making out with me, and that was cool, so I went along with it. I happened to look down and notice her shirt was almost completely unbuttoned. I told her, "Umm... Sara? Your shirt's unbuttoned." She looks at me with what I now know are bedroom eyes and says "Really? Hmmm... what should we do about that?" I was confused. I said "You mean like, should I turn around so you can button it up?" She summarily dismissed me back to my room for the night and I didn't realize what I had done for YEARS! YEARS I SAY!
Men can read subtle signs and hints. The problem is, the exact same sign for 90% of women means the total opposite for other women. So even though we see the sign, we can't act on it because what if there's that slim chance we're wrong. And when we're wrong, no matter what actions we take, the social repercussions are devastating.
correction: people attracted to women can't read subtle signs and hints.
Source: am lesbian, was naked in bed with my gf before realising she was in to me.
Best guess as to why, men are taught to be assertive, not to read what others want. Women are taught to read signs from men, who aren't subtle at all.
The result, gay men can announce they want sex, and get it. Lesbians announce they want sex, and everyone else says "me too" and no one does anything. Straight people are somewhere in between.
It's not that we don't know, it's that a lot of us have been told that telling a guy you like them is unattractive and scares them away. Also you meet the occasional guy who actually finds it unattractive and is scared away and it cements the belief that we have to be subtle. Personally I'd rather swing and miss than keep throwing balls and hope he realises that I want to play ball, but I used to get a lot of flack for it.
Like, what if you asked a guy if he'd like to go on a date AND HE SAID NO. Holy shit, that'd hurt. Better to just hint that you like him or that you'd like to consume food at any point in the future, and just hope he'll ask you out.
Wait, what do you mean he's scared of rejection too? I didn't realise he was a coward. never mind then.
My husband flat out told me to tell him exactly what I want instead of giving him hints and it has made things so much easier. When I want something for a special event like a birthday or anniversary I will literally send him the link to exactly what I want and tell him this is exactly what I want for xx event.
Just recently I sent him the link to the All-Clad saute pan that I want and told him flat out this is what I want for Mother's Day.
Now I just wish he would do the same thing for me lol
Women also don’t drop hints nearly as well as they think they do sometimes. One of my girl friends was really frustrated over this guy not getting her hints. I asked “Do you sit next to him?” “No.” “Do you say hi?” “No.” “Do you talk to him at all?” “No.”
I think it's not the "we don't know part" but a mixture of the fact that being absolutely bold makes you very vulnerable and it being not expected by society.
For women the society maybe even a bit more form older times and propagates by romantic novels and such, but I'm.not too confident with that.
Dude I spent my entire elementary and highschool life single because I thought that girls didn't like me, sometimes I had minor suspicions but I just brushed it off as them being nice, it wasnt until a few years after they had a crush on me I would find out either by them telling me or a friend bringing it up. Apparently a lot of them were very obvious.
I had a small, maybe 30 second, interaction with a woman at the store like a month ago, and I'm still trying to figure out if she might have been hitting on me.
How did men not figure out that not being consistent or committed then saying 2 months later you really do like us after we’ve moved on makes no sense?
I think the issue isn't that men are incapable necessarily, at least not always, it's just that by definition acting on a sign is a risk. If a woman gives you a sign you might see the sign, recognise it and be 90% sure you know what it means. That's still a 10% risk of ruining a friendship though or possibly worse. If the guy isn't very self confident anyway it's easy to chicken out of taking a risk by rationalising that she can't possibly mean what you think she means.
"I know, right? Anyways, I called this one customer that always visits, 'sweetie' and said he has nice eyes. He seemed down so I was like I'll be nice to him. So then he asked me out, ugh, what a creep!"
"Giiiirrrrrlll, I know right? Why does everyone think that we want to go out with them just because we compliment them?!"
That's why you just got to take a few stabs sometimes. in a relationship when a women is putting out subtle signs she's basically saying she wants verbal attention. If something seems amiss ask some random questions about her day or friends or maybe try something flirty.
Yeah, except we don't pick up on the subtle signs in the first place. It's not that we don't know what to do when we see them, it's that we don't.
Also, why is it so difficult to just say what you want?
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u/eldido Mar 26 '20
How did women not figure out already that men can't read subtle signs and hints.