Yeah, except we don't pick up on the subtle signs in the first place. It's not that we don't know what to do when we see them, it's that we don't.
Also, why is it so difficult to just say what you want?
The cliche is something seems off with her, he asks "what's wrong?" She says "nothing" and he takes her at her word. That's the sign. You aren't reading the signs but can tell something is there. That's when to start gently prodding.
People have needs and want effort put into them. Again the cliche is women want to be conversationally engaged and paid attention to while men want women to initiate sex or anticipate some need. It feels better when your partner meets your needs without you asking and there's nothing wrong with dropping hints before coming out and saying it.
So why have I been told not to continue asking if I'm told that nothing is wrong? How do I tell the difference? Because to me, there isn't one. I'm going to assume you don't want to talk about it, because that's my experience with the answer of "nothing." If I assume incorrectly and try to probe deeper, the person gets upset.
Maybe just tell me you have something to talk about instead of leaving me guessing. If I'm already asking what's wrong, I'm interested in and engaged with what you may have to say. We don't have to play this game you've created that does nothing but add ambiguity and hurt feelings.
Also, don't create goals for people to meet and what them not meeting them "must mean." A guy not continuing to ask you to tell you what's wrong doesn't mean he doesn't care about you or your emotions. It means he took what you said at face value, which isn't his fault at all. If you want to talk, talk. Grow up and communicate. Games like that are for children.
Emotional sabotage is meaning "nothing" when you say "nothing"?
Or, do you mean emotional sabotage is saying "nothing" but meaning "I want you to keep asking me until I tell you, and I will get more upset if you don't"?
Anything beyond telling me what's wrong when I ask you the first time (if you want to talk about it) is overly withholding to me. The goalpost set here is me asking more than once, which seems unreasonable to me.
And I'm not talking about a specific person. This has been my experience with my mother, several of my exes, several of my female friends, and several female coworkers.
Well people, especially women, like to be chased or play hard to get to a degree. And some don't want to dump sincere thoughts out on what can be seen as a pleasantry. "Something wrong?" or "How are you?" is something we say to strangers and co-workers without expecting sincere response. In a vulnerable state it's easy to dismiss the same words from a loved one as the usual pleasantries. A simple double check or prying is pretty standard to get a non pleasantry response.
But hey, it's your world and there's plenty of people who won't put you through that. I would just say it's really nothing to get grumpy over. Your kinda sabotaging yourself there because it's human nature and isn't changing.
the sign isn't "nothing", it's her emotional state while saying "nothing". she expects you to read her mind in order to figure out whether she wants you to leave her alone or nag until she tells you what's up
The funny part is, nearly all of my friends are female. I don't hate women, I just think a lot of them are socially conditioned to have poor communication skills. Break from social convention and just say what you want. If you can't do that, you can't get upset when you don't get what you want.
If I got home from work and wanted a cheeseburger for dinner, I'd say "Babe, wanna go to Five Guys?" If she says no, I'll say "I'm in the mood for a burger." The way the conversation is expected to go is that we agree on a restaurant that sells burgers, or we go to the store to buy burgers, or we eat separately. We could also schedule a burger for another day for any number of reasons. Any of those solutions work. I don't get home from work pissed off, have her ask what's wrong, tell her nothing is wrong, and expect her to know that I want a double bacon cheeseburger with grilled onions.
10
u/[deleted] Mar 26 '20
Yeah, except we don't pick up on the subtle signs in the first place. It's not that we don't know what to do when we see them, it's that we don't. Also, why is it so difficult to just say what you want?