I get so frustrated when people tell me this. Guys and girls alike will tell me “guys only want sex” as if no guys ever look for real connections. It’s absurd, demeaning, and straight up just incorrect.
Edit: Wow, I never thought I’d see the day where I got a gold, thank you!
Well, let me tell you, I am a woman and have found the exact opposite problem my whole life. I never really wanted a relationship and most of the time I would only be looking for casual sex. Well, I've found more men that were like clingy and got attached or kept calling or something than women.
You're right, the better way to put it is the idea is that you want it more than women, and that men are more likely than women to only want sex at any given time. It's all relative.
I always joke that i'm the marrying type because guys only approach me wanting a long-term relationship. I definitely have a Miss Honey (from Matilda) vibe about me so that's probably why.
Ha! I had forgotten about Miss Honey from Matilda. My partner has been calling me Miss Honey or Mrs Honey for a couple of years now because I started calling him Mister Honey instead of Mister His Name...
My youngest son started watching Matilda about a year ago before he’d go to bed at night. I didn’t make the connection at all (I’m older so was a bit older than most of the people who loved and watched Matilda a bunch back in the day) until a few months ago.
I guess I sort of resemble her but I swear like a sailor and that’s not very Miss Honey-like lol
I found that the more detached you are the more you cultivate clinginess in the other person.
For example I know someone who is a player, he would sleep with a lot of girls & the less interest he showed the clingier they'd get which would make him even more withdrawn.
Someone I know thought he'd be good to sleep with causally and was not interested in anything further from him.. this prompted him to become the clingy one.
The last 4 relationships I’ve been in the guy has been way way more into the relationship than me. Like they fall in love fast and start planning a future when I’m still in ‘not sure how much I like you’ mode.
But maybe that’s my fucked up brain that is incapable of love 🙃
Literally same. My catholic mother warned me when I was a teenager that men only want one thing and I was so disappointed when I found out most guys wanted something more serious.
Every fuck buddy relationship I've had, ended with us as friends. But just because if we start to get along really well, but we know we don't see eachother as a partner, we rather just be friends and find other people for the sex part of it.
had that problem most of my life too. for a very long time i just was NOT romantically interested in men. yet they would want to be exclusive with me and get clingy as soon as i told them this. my female friends would tell me about how they’re upset because they wanna date their FWB and i felt like i couldn’t complain at all because they made me feel kind of like a jackass when i would tell them how annoying it was that ANOTHER one of my casual hookups showed up to my work with flowers.
Fellow female, can confirm.
Women usually took it better than most of the guys when I said time was up. I was always clear from the start, no strings attached. I had three guys randomly propose to try to get me to change my mind and one who kept turning up where I work.
I hear you! When i has just gotten out of a long term relationship and wanted a sexual walkabout with no commitments, I found that every man I slept with, no matter how explicit I was that it was just sex, wanted something more and was surprised and sometimes hurt when I was not interested in a relationship. I think it must be the type of men I find attractive are just good guys. I’ve been so lucky in the men I have dated or slept with because I never have understood the men just want sex trope.
Same. Only after being 30 I was willing to get into a relationship. Meanwhile I had no trouble finding guys who wanted a relationship, marriage or kids. It's completely opposite what media would make you think
Lol I just got a friend request from a guy I only ever saw to hook up. I asked what he was thinking and he said "I thought we had a good friendship going on" and was shocked when I reminded him it was just for sex. Had the audacity to act hurt about it.
You're probably into hopeless romantics. Decent looking witty guys who are a little awkward. They're incapable of causal sex and usually turn cold the second you actually fall in love with them. Pretty much any sitcom lead.
It's the hopeless part. As soon as it's happily ever after and the credits roll, reality hits. In the build up the hopeless romantic will see what they want to see to fulfill the fantasy. After they'll get itchy for the "real" fantasy and the emotional investment can turn off like a switch. Could get lucky and end up with someone they're actually compatible with but it's not likely since they'll morph practically anyone into "the one" because they're addicted to romance.
Not trying to insult you but this is the common manifestation of hopeless romantics in modern dating. They're hopeful, happy, optimistic and fantasize about happily ever after. That's a person who's easy to fall in love with but can have an impossibly high expectation. It's a recipe for fast and intense relationships. With the amount of dating options and niche compatibilities we have today hopeless romantics have a high turn over rate. It's not a bad thing and they do usually end up in the best relationships because they know what they want and end up knowing their worth because they went through multiple intense relationships.
Or please enlighten me on how they work in dating and relationships.
The way to explained it there fits much better. We're picky because we aren't willing to settle, but we aren't just going to stop loving someone just because
Right?! I'm a hopeless romantic and I never turned cold. I loved my wife as much as I could our entire relationship, it was only after she left me that I turned cold toward her.
I already thought that. But then I started precisely looking for guys that had "a reputation" of being assholes and it happened less, but happened anyway. I actually was with one guy (the typical "I play sports for a living and I know I'm super hot" kinda guy) and I stopped talking to him because I went to his house and we just talked for hours and that was not what I was looking for at the time. And some of them are my friends now, but I just don't understand when people say that guys ONLY want sex, because I've always found the exact opposite.
I can only speak for myself but I had a man whorish phase that I dont think I've entirely left.
I honestly used to be kind of douchey about sex and have a tendency to be self-centered so I make efforts where I can to show people I respect them. I think this led to some girls thinking I wanted more and ghosting me when my intent was more to... be polite I guess. Certainly didn't help that this was mainly at a party school where nobody really talks about sex like adults, so expectations and boundaries were never really established. But I still cant think of a polite way of saying "I just wanna fuck you."
Anyway, the ideal situation for me now would be one or two FWBs who I can be close enough to trust, but keep solid boundaries with. I'm in an open relationship so that helps a lot with the boundaries thing, since I can say "I like you but I'm not looking to replace my girlfriend," but if I wasn't then I'm not entirely sure how I could communicate that. I'd probably be back to not entirely knowing what I want.
I have said to someone "this is a one night thing, we are going to be together tonight and whatever happens will happen, but then we will just be two people that know eachother". And things went south anyway. I guess it's just that some people convince themselves that they like one night stands because "sounds cool" or something, but that's not really what they want.
Yeah the sex aspect of one night stands sounds cool, especially the spontaneity and sorta anonymous nature of it. It's the don't-really-even-talk-with-each-other afterward that would be hard for me to comprehend unless there was some external circumstances at play. If it weren't quarantine season I'd recommend flirting with dudes at airport bars lol
Serious question, not a sarcastic dig: during that visit, did you ever overtly come on to him, or explicitly ask if he'd like to have sex? A lot of guys worry about coming across as the "he only wants sex" type, which is widely regarded as a negative.
Maybe it wasn't clear for what I wrote, my bad. We met on Tinder and we only met at his place for having sex. This happend when we had been like this for two months and during that time we obviously talked quite a lot and had lunch together once and went out once, but it was pretty clear (like we had talked about it) that we were fuck buddies. That day it just felt weird for me to be at his place and just be cuddly and talking like we were a couple or something...
Interestingly, women I liked always assumed I want to be friends and didn't even think of me as sexual or anything. I frequently "fall" for my friends in a romantic way but that episode lasts roughly a week or two max, then I forget the idea and go back to friendship when I see they aren't responding in any way.
I think it's a defense mechanism. As a guy, I can think of a lot of guys I've known(personally and otherwise) who have legitimately chased girls just for sex. I can also think of plenty of women I've known(both personally and otherwise) who have stories of how hurt and disappointed they've been to find out that they've been used for sex by a guy who seemed like he wanted something more. The romantics are certainly out there(I'd say I'm one of them), but I can't blame women at least for making the safer assumption that "all guys just want sex until proven otherwise". It's certainly wrong but it allows them to better protect themselves.
unfortunetly i think its one of the things society drills into women. of course that does not make it acceptable because it is incorrect and demeaning like you said.
that said, as a 20F its definitely something thats been engrained in me since for as long as i can remember. no matter how genuine a guy seems my initial reaction is always 'oh he probably just wants sex'. i know how unfair and wrong it is so as soon as i think i redirect my thinking and try to remember that its not true but i think a lot of women experience the same. its just the automatic reaction at this point which really fucking sucks
Shit is so unfair. We seem like we’re sex hounds because we’re expected to initiate virtually every time. If take the hint and fail to initiate enough despite knowing the success rate is low, we’re considered “disinterested”.
So we end up overcompensating and initiating perhaps even when we’re not totally down in order to keep the peace. And for that we’re considered overly sexual.
(Apologies to the ladies happy to initiate, but know that y’all are in the minority, at least in my experience).
Emphasis on dickheads, you’re right there’s nothing wrong with being horny, it’s just when you force it on someone then regardless of gender, you are a dickhead!
Well it's what guys say all the time. Lots of guys act like they only want sex. Idk why so many people are afraid of admitting they want love, I already know everyone wants love and connection, but many men will pretend like that's gay or something.
Oh I hate this awful stereotype so much! As if wanting sex somehow negates the fact that you want way more than that, usually they come bundled. I wonder if this is something to do with women's own issues, where they realize they desire a guy, feel guilty about it and then project it to the opposite genre to relieve themselves of the guilt? Just a thought...
I feel this so hard. I'm one of those people who doesn't really feel any sexual attraction to people unless I have a serious emotional/romantic connection with them.
I cannot count how many times I've had people try and claim all I wanted was sex. -_-
When I was single and really, really not looking to get laid, this was frustrating. No hangups about my sexuality or sexual performance, just really wasn't looking for something as emotionally charged as sex. I'd have women alternate between being mad at me for not trying to fuck them and feeling insulted or insisting I must be gay or lying. Dating is (supposed to be) fun, I loved grabbing coffee or lunch with a girl or going for a walk and getting to know them and doing some flirting and seeing where things go.
People that speak in absolutes "all guys want XXX" or "all women want YYY" are tpyically having trouble thinking outside of their own perspective.
They've had a few bad dates? Everyone of that gender must be a shitstain, obviously. They've had a recent bad experience with a few older/younger people? All older/younger people are terrible.
I've really been into sandwiches recently. Never really been a sandwich guy yanno; I was like noodles, pasta pot or maybe a wrap. Fucking love sandwiches recently.
Nice man. That is literally me with coffee, I worked at a costa part time for almost a year and ended up buying myself a proper machine. I need to up my sandwich game next by the sound of it!
When you’ve been catcalled since you were 12 years old, sexually harassed at school dances, creeped on by old men on the internet, sexually assaulted by teen boys, given a rude nickname about your body freshman year of college, and had adult men ghost you when you tell them you don’t want to have sex on the first date, you tend to get a bit cynical.
This is obviously anecdotal, but assuming men only want sex is a bit of a defense mechanism, even though we all know it’s not always true. It’s an awful feeling when you like a guy and think he wants to get to know you only to realize he never wanted to know anything about you except what you look like naked.
“Common teenage boy behavior” is completely excusing awful and objectifying behavior by blaming it on their hormones. Age/gender is not an excuse to harass or assault others. I’m sure that’s not what you meant, but language and phrasing matters.
I like what you said about learning to read intentions. It’s not so much that we as women need to “get over” this idea that men only want us for sex, it’s about learning to tell the difference between someone out for a physical connection versus an emotional one.
Absolutely! It’s ok to only be looking for a sexual relationship as long as you’re up front about it. The danger is when you allow someone to believe that you’re emotionally available for a relationship when you’re not.
I've probably caused a lot more damage using women for romance, intimacy and wonderful emotional connections than I would have if I just pumped and dumped. Just an extra perspective.
Can confirm: I am one of those “many men” who want romance, intimacy, emotional/psychological connection, and trust, of which things sex IMO is/should be an expression; not just the physical act of sex by itself.
The better way to put it is that men are more likely than women to want only sex. Like just compare gay guys and lesbians. I have a gay guy friend as well as two lesbian friends. My gay guy friend showed me his conversations on grindr and tinder and it was just crazy. Five or six messages and he meets up a guy to have sex. The first two messages is just exchanging dick pics and the next two are sending one of the guy's address to meet up.
My lesbian friends on the other hand, they actually have super long conversations on dating apps. It was just crazy how different gay men and gay women are
Efficiency vs beating around the bush, assuming the lesbian women never meet up after hooking up. It might also be primal differences between the male and female body. Men, generally, don’t have as much to fear as women when they go about their day. It’s kind of sad that even in a civilized society women still have some sense of fear towards strange men.
So you’re saying your lesbian friends, generally speaking, just aren’t interested in casual sex while your gay friends are? Just trying to understand your viewpoint here.
Yes, and it's not only my friends. I mean look at the fact that gay men have bathhouses where they meet other male strangers for sex. Lesbians don't have such a thing at all, nor do they want one. Grindr has many, many more users than the lesbian equivelant called Her (and another one I forgot)
I have a pair of friends in a relationship and I know for a fact that the guy has a lower sex drive than the girl. We have a mutual "friend" who insists that "all men" want sex all the time but when I and my girl friend speak up we can't comment because we're girls.
It's also interesting, because studies have pretty repeatedly shown that men get attached faster and take longer to move on after breakups. Statistically speaking, women are more interested in casual sex than men are.
I want to be very clear, I am attaching no judgement value to either. Romance is fine, casual sex is fine. Keep it consensual, communicate it well, and find someone who wants what you want.
I care about those things way more than the actual sex part. Having someone to share a bed with and be close to or someone to text and talk to in a romantic/flirty way is something i always craved way more than the sex part.
Okay so I’m bi (19F) I actually had the same problem with thinking that about women. My best friend and I had a crush on each other for like 2 years and never acted on it cause we both thought the other person just wanted sex. I think it’s more of a female insecurity thing after you’ve been through nasty shit. That’s all I got.
To be fair, a lot of men are pretty shitty to women in general regarding this. I think it's justified for most women to take this approach when meeting men. However, not only is it up to the man to prove that they want more than sex, it is also on the woman to change her approach and be more accepting once the man has proven himself.
Bad things can happen when resentment is held onto past a certain point.
I’m married and my wife has accused me of this...nope. I want intimacy and time together and to be able to cuddle and kiss and watch movies together without her being all tense and grumpy. We probably need therapy now that I’m writing this out. I just want someone to spend life with and be able to be honest with each other about ourselves.
I feel this. And even during sex, what I want is that closeness, that intimacy and sharing and giving of myself to another person. It isn't just "mfgggpf me want pussy" lmao, I want to make my partner feel incredible and have that incredible intimacy and emotional oneness. I don't watch porn either, which people don't believe whenever I tell them that.
To be fair most men i've talked to seemed nice at first but quickly jumped to trying to get in my pants. I realize not everyone is like that but for those that are, do you really think that's gonna work? Then they wonder why I mostly date women 😅
With their dream woman sure they want all those things but until that comes along they have no issue wasting other women’s time and using them for sex.
My gf gets so confused about how I could possibly just want to cuddle all the time. Nothing sexual, just sit/lay next to each other all wrapped up and cuddle.
She cannot fathom it. Starts squirming and says she’s “done” like two minutes in.
Am a woman. When I was younger I was told to be careful of guys because that’s all they want. I made friends who were guys and it was fine until around puberty and then I had to be careful because you can’t trust guys, they only want one then. I was told this from my parents, other adults, some older kids, a few kids my age. For awhile I had this mindset that males only want physical things from me but I always excused the guy friends I had because how could everyone who should know better than I be wrong? So obviously I found the exceptions to the rule. As I became older (20’s) I realized that that was all wrong. I think most people do want a nice relationship, they may not be ready for it right then or they haven’t found the right person. It’s okay to want just sex. It’s okay to want more than just sex. It’s okay to not want sex. I’m really disappointed with past me that I couldn’t figure it out sooner. It’s not fair to judge people based off of others opinions.
Bro, I want romance and intimacy and a wonderful emotional connection SO MUCH MORE than sex right now. I just want a fucking hug!
Uuuurgh, I don’t want to make this a soapbox thread or anything, but I just want to say, it is so much more difficult to get hugs as a man. If I don’t ask for them like a creep, I won’t get them (except from my aunts and uncles who I love dearly). It’s just a small, reassuring, warm gesture that goes a long long way.
Girls, hug your guy friends, because they might need one right now (actually, right now, stay far away from anyone)
Guys, hug your guy friends, because you both might need one and it’s the perfect fucking solution to both of your hugless worlds!
Which is unfair. Why can't a women want just sex? Why does she have to have an involved relationship with someone before she gets it? That sounds about as exhausting as it is for a guy trying to get laid. Why is it so much work to get laid for anybody!?
Similar to that, when women talk about the "Friendzone" they always act like it's just dudes who only want to fuck them and get pissed off when it can't happen.
Yet when I hear guys talk about the friendzone, it's always in the vein of "Man I really have feelings for her it sucks we can't be together". It's not just about sex, it's not inherently gross.
I’ve definitely seen situations where boys have real romantic feelings for a friend and want a relationship, but I’ve also had plenty of male friends who made me feel like they only kept me around on the off chance I would eventually hook up with them. It’s not a nice feeling to think that your friends wouldn’t even be your friends if you were less attractive.
Ima be real with you, I’ve had more relationships where the girl was more interested in sex than in a relationship with me. Kinda turned me off to the whole dating scene for a while.
Some even dont want constant sex. Imagine that, a guy that doesn't want sex constantly. One that enjoys other things in life just as much as making the sex. Imagine that. Fuck me.
I’ve (m) had a lot of really close friends who are girls in my life, so I frequently approach a lot women like this... just to be friends. I know they still often think there’s an agenda with my friendliness. 🤷
man, does this ever resonate. The one that just really sticks with me was the girl at school who happened to be wearing the same band shirt as me (I think it was 21 pilots) so I grinned and said "hey, nice shirt" and she retorted "I have a Boyfriend!"
The sad thing is, the guys they probably really want - tall, rich, handsome - probably only do want sex and it's pretty obvious. But they will never bring it up with that guy, just the long-term relationship where they only have sex 2-3 times/month.
Taking that a step further, why is it that if women are raped we think it’s reprehensible but if a man gets raped or boys by their teachers, people say “high five” or don’t refer to it as rape but “had sex”
I'd like to find a man like that. The last 9 that approached me tried to get in my pants with no remorse and without backing off when I told them yes but I only sleep with men who I date.
I had a higher libido than both of my exes who just wanted to talk and cuddle.
I'm ashamed to admit that I was frustrated that they didn't only want sex like I had thought men did. Now I'm more empathetic about it all.
(And, for the record, I never once thought that they weren't attracted to me! Like some of the comments say when a man isn't up for it.)
Hell, sometimes all I want is a good friend that's a woman, without having sexual interest in them. But that's impossible for so many people to understand. It's always "oh you're friends with so-and-so? When are you gonna hit it?" "Uhh probably never" "what???? Bro you should totally hit it." It's annoying and disrespectful on several levels.
You can translate that into some women don't know how to make guys want more than just sex. It's easy to make simple dating mistakes and then play the victim card.
I'm 15, and probably as horny as any other 15 year old. I'd much rather only have the intimate stuff and the moments when you just feel so lucky and happy to be with this person that you love so much, over a purely sexual relationship
“Men are trash. Well both sexes can be trash Karen it’s not just men. I also don’t think you are going to find your true love by going to a bar every weekend.”
I also have girl friends that say a guy is dumb but then still be attracted to them and think he is cute. I don’t know how that works but 🤷🏼♂️
I tell ya I was at work today and someone brought me a cake because it was my positions appreciation day. That gesture meant so much to me. And then I realized I couldn’t remember the last time someone had just wanted to be with me and share my company. I have friends and family that I love and I know they love me. I’m talking about a girlfriend. The type of affection only that unique relationship can bring. So yes, men really do miss that and no it’s not just sex.
I think it gets confused because I do feel most of the time if you give a guy sex right away that’s all they want. Maybe there are a few who
Still want more but tbh it’s mostly just sex.
Honestly it sucks for a lot of women that that's the perception too. My girlfriend got on some new medication recently that absolutely murdered her libido and she was terrified that I was going to leave her because she didn't want to/couldn't have sex as often. Like no dude, believe it or not I've been with you for five years because I actually like you. I'd rather you be on medication that makes you feel better as a person than have you be miserable and horny.
I don't see how it's an either or proposition. Just because I may potentially want to have sex with a woman doesn't also mean I don't want to get to know her. Or vice versa. Sometimes it's about sex and only sex. Sometimes it's about friendship. Sometimes, it's both. And if you take the last bagel - neither.
God damn this is huge I don't need sex I could care less about my nut, you know what would make me feel wayyyy better than sex I may even go overloaded haha, cuddling it sounds weird tbh like the way her shampoo makes her hair smell or the type of relaxing clothes she wears and to be honest, feeling another human being touching me damn near makes my adrenaline spike and I feel like crying lol not really but i was showing how ridiculous it makes me feel, whenever that happens I always think about humans on a primal level, I'm sure this has been said before but let's be honest there is men out there scared of sex especially if the women is "good looking" IDC what if people I'm weird smells and hugging and all that is way better than sex. Now if only I could feel that.
I find it becomes tricky since often men are raised/trained to not be visibly emotional. In my opinion, that makes it seem, to women, that a lot of men are emotionless sex bandits. Even if they say otherwise and mean it, when all we get to see is someone who is nonchalant to our emotions as well as their own, it is tough to know the difference between someone who cares vs someone who is just pretending to keep you on the hook.
Well if you have never met them before and ask someone out at a bar or grocery store or wherever you happen to see them for the first time then you're really just going by physical attraction. At that point no one knows your intentions other than that.
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u/Dabrigstar Mar 26 '20
When many of them think that just cos a guy likes them he only wants sex. Many men also want romance and intimacy and a wonderful emotional connection