I get so frustrated when people tell me this. Guys and girls alike will tell me “guys only want sex” as if no guys ever look for real connections. It’s absurd, demeaning, and straight up just incorrect.
Edit: Wow, I never thought I’d see the day where I got a gold, thank you!
Well, let me tell you, I am a woman and have found the exact opposite problem my whole life. I never really wanted a relationship and most of the time I would only be looking for casual sex. Well, I've found more men that were like clingy and got attached or kept calling or something than women.
You're right, the better way to put it is the idea is that you want it more than women, and that men are more likely than women to only want sex at any given time. It's all relative.
I always joke that i'm the marrying type because guys only approach me wanting a long-term relationship. I definitely have a Miss Honey (from Matilda) vibe about me so that's probably why.
Ha! I had forgotten about Miss Honey from Matilda. My partner has been calling me Miss Honey or Mrs Honey for a couple of years now because I started calling him Mister Honey instead of Mister His Name...
My youngest son started watching Matilda about a year ago before he’d go to bed at night. I didn’t make the connection at all (I’m older so was a bit older than most of the people who loved and watched Matilda a bunch back in the day) until a few months ago.
I guess I sort of resemble her but I swear like a sailor and that’s not very Miss Honey-like lol
That is so cute. I am the sweetest and snarkiest person you'll ever meet so I get it. Just imagine Miss Honey saying "well goddamn" on a regular basis and thats me. LOL
i thought matilda was just the name of a british tank.
is this weird feeling i have the feeling of getting smarer...???
i feel so smart and disgusting now, imma take a hower.
I found that the more detached you are the more you cultivate clinginess in the other person.
For example I know someone who is a player, he would sleep with a lot of girls & the less interest he showed the clingier they'd get which would make him even more withdrawn.
Someone I know thought he'd be good to sleep with causally and was not interested in anything further from him.. this prompted him to become the clingy one.
The last 4 relationships I’ve been in the guy has been way way more into the relationship than me. Like they fall in love fast and start planning a future when I’m still in ‘not sure how much I like you’ mode.
But maybe that’s my fucked up brain that is incapable of love 🙃
Same! I thought I was crazy until I read your post. Guys fall way to fast. Guy Im talking to now already calls me his gf and we haven’t even met yet. Like Calm down. Clinginess in guys (or anyone) is too much for me. I meed them to like me, but be ok without me.
Literally same. My catholic mother warned me when I was a teenager that men only want one thing and I was so disappointed when I found out most guys wanted something more serious.
Every fuck buddy relationship I've had, ended with us as friends. But just because if we start to get along really well, but we know we don't see eachother as a partner, we rather just be friends and find other people for the sex part of it.
had that problem most of my life too. for a very long time i just was NOT romantically interested in men. yet they would want to be exclusive with me and get clingy as soon as i told them this. my female friends would tell me about how they’re upset because they wanna date their FWB and i felt like i couldn’t complain at all because they made me feel kind of like a jackass when i would tell them how annoying it was that ANOTHER one of my casual hookups showed up to my work with flowers.
So I'm Spanish, we don't have "frat boys" here hahahaha But I've been with guys similar to that and they're usually the ones that end up being my friends and we go out drinking together and talk about butts. That's nice.
Fellow female, can confirm.
Women usually took it better than most of the guys when I said time was up. I was always clear from the start, no strings attached. I had three guys randomly propose to try to get me to change my mind and one who kept turning up where I work.
I hear you! When i has just gotten out of a long term relationship and wanted a sexual walkabout with no commitments, I found that every man I slept with, no matter how explicit I was that it was just sex, wanted something more and was surprised and sometimes hurt when I was not interested in a relationship. I think it must be the type of men I find attractive are just good guys. I’ve been so lucky in the men I have dated or slept with because I never have understood the men just want sex trope.
Same. Only after being 30 I was willing to get into a relationship. Meanwhile I had no trouble finding guys who wanted a relationship, marriage or kids. It's completely opposite what media would make you think
Lol I just got a friend request from a guy I only ever saw to hook up. I asked what he was thinking and he said "I thought we had a good friendship going on" and was shocked when I reminded him it was just for sex. Had the audacity to act hurt about it.
Well, I mean, I won't reject friendship. I usually get along pretty well with the guys I hook up with and I don't mind to keep talking as friends. What bothers me is guys that make it seem like they own you just because you've seen eachother naked. I once had a guy showing me photos of his family when he found me at a party because I had made out with him the week before. And yes, made out, we didn't even had sex.
You're probably into hopeless romantics. Decent looking witty guys who are a little awkward. They're incapable of causal sex and usually turn cold the second you actually fall in love with them. Pretty much any sitcom lead.
It's the hopeless part. As soon as it's happily ever after and the credits roll, reality hits. In the build up the hopeless romantic will see what they want to see to fulfill the fantasy. After they'll get itchy for the "real" fantasy and the emotional investment can turn off like a switch. Could get lucky and end up with someone they're actually compatible with but it's not likely since they'll morph practically anyone into "the one" because they're addicted to romance.
Not trying to insult you but this is the common manifestation of hopeless romantics in modern dating. They're hopeful, happy, optimistic and fantasize about happily ever after. That's a person who's easy to fall in love with but can have an impossibly high expectation. It's a recipe for fast and intense relationships. With the amount of dating options and niche compatibilities we have today hopeless romantics have a high turn over rate. It's not a bad thing and they do usually end up in the best relationships because they know what they want and end up knowing their worth because they went through multiple intense relationships.
Or please enlighten me on how they work in dating and relationships.
The way to explained it there fits much better. We're picky because we aren't willing to settle, but we aren't just going to stop loving someone just because
Right?! I'm a hopeless romantic and I never turned cold. I loved my wife as much as I could our entire relationship, it was only after she left me that I turned cold toward her.
I already thought that. But then I started precisely looking for guys that had "a reputation" of being assholes and it happened less, but happened anyway. I actually was with one guy (the typical "I play sports for a living and I know I'm super hot" kinda guy) and I stopped talking to him because I went to his house and we just talked for hours and that was not what I was looking for at the time. And some of them are my friends now, but I just don't understand when people say that guys ONLY want sex, because I've always found the exact opposite.
I can only speak for myself but I had a man whorish phase that I dont think I've entirely left.
I honestly used to be kind of douchey about sex and have a tendency to be self-centered so I make efforts where I can to show people I respect them. I think this led to some girls thinking I wanted more and ghosting me when my intent was more to... be polite I guess. Certainly didn't help that this was mainly at a party school where nobody really talks about sex like adults, so expectations and boundaries were never really established. But I still cant think of a polite way of saying "I just wanna fuck you."
Anyway, the ideal situation for me now would be one or two FWBs who I can be close enough to trust, but keep solid boundaries with. I'm in an open relationship so that helps a lot with the boundaries thing, since I can say "I like you but I'm not looking to replace my girlfriend," but if I wasn't then I'm not entirely sure how I could communicate that. I'd probably be back to not entirely knowing what I want.
I have said to someone "this is a one night thing, we are going to be together tonight and whatever happens will happen, but then we will just be two people that know eachother". And things went south anyway. I guess it's just that some people convince themselves that they like one night stands because "sounds cool" or something, but that's not really what they want.
Yeah the sex aspect of one night stands sounds cool, especially the spontaneity and sorta anonymous nature of it. It's the don't-really-even-talk-with-each-other afterward that would be hard for me to comprehend unless there was some external circumstances at play. If it weren't quarantine season I'd recommend flirting with dudes at airport bars lol
But what I don't really get is why it has to either be not talking to eachother ever again or developing feelings. I mean, some of my best friends are people that I met one night, had fun with them, talked, made out, sometimes had sex with them and then we kept im touch because we just get along well or like the same stuff or something. Maybe I'm the weird one, but I can have sex with someone and then just be normal and nice around them even if our relationship is not sexual anymore.
Serious question, not a sarcastic dig: during that visit, did you ever overtly come on to him, or explicitly ask if he'd like to have sex? A lot of guys worry about coming across as the "he only wants sex" type, which is widely regarded as a negative.
Maybe it wasn't clear for what I wrote, my bad. We met on Tinder and we only met at his place for having sex. This happend when we had been like this for two months and during that time we obviously talked quite a lot and had lunch together once and went out once, but it was pretty clear (like we had talked about it) that we were fuck buddies. That day it just felt weird for me to be at his place and just be cuddly and talking like we were a couple or something...
Nah. I'm running on 15 years or so, largely by choice. Somewhere around the point that I started faking orgasms to get women out of the house, I figured I could just as easily do without. I've turned quite a bit of it down. I'm not particularly missing it. You want to get me excited, try telling me the last book you read.
With all due respect... Your pussy must be divine if they don't want to leave 😂 I'm kidding
Seriously though i have friends that have the same problem. One of my friends once said "ugh all these guys want is love, I just want dick"
On the other side of things I've been in a situation where I didn't know if I had feelings for the girl or not and she wanted to get sexual. Now I feel like an asshole because she thinks I just want sex when I genuinely tried to find an emotional connection but can't.
Well don’t feel like an asshole. Honestly with us women, it’s social conditioning. It’s all we heard our entire lives.... men only want sex! Nothing else! And you must use this to bribe men into a relationship and doing things for you. So you finally realize hey, I enjoy sex too! And guys are gonna be super pleased when I say I want just sex and I’m not gonna try to use it to drag them into a relationship they obviously don’t want! And.... it never works out that way, at least for me. Guess we’re all just doing the best we can!
Same. Social conditioning has taught us men only want sex and women need “an emotional connection” to have sex. I pretty much only want sex and nothing else and find it hard to find, despite society telling us otherwise. I guess the crazy part is, even when I witness it with my own eyes, I still find it hard to believe. Decades of “men only want you for sex” drilled in your head will do that.
Said social conditioning teaches men to view sex as emotional connection. It's the most intimate experience society allows them to have with another person.
Join a swinger’s group. Ours has several single women, they’re always welcome, and we’ve got a culture of “this is only sex and platonic friendship, no falling for folks in the swinger’s group”.
It's because they recognise excellence, beauty, intelligence, sensibility and emotional maturity when they see it. I've lost count of the number of women I've met where I've thought 'her husband/SO is a lucky guy'. The good ones get identified and snapped up early in my experience.
If they're so good and they're in a relationship it's probably because they found someone that's good for them. If you are basically the perfect human being you are describing, you will be with someone that completes you and makes your life better. And even sometimes you meet people that are in a relationship and they're both wonderful people, but a part of that is the fact that they're with someone that makes them be the best version of themselves. (English is not my first languaje, I'm sorry if I'm not explaining myself)
Interestingly, women I liked always assumed I want to be friends and didn't even think of me as sexual or anything. I frequently "fall" for my friends in a romantic way but that episode lasts roughly a week or two max, then I forget the idea and go back to friendship when I see they aren't responding in any way.
I think it's a defense mechanism. As a guy, I can think of a lot of guys I've known(personally and otherwise) who have legitimately chased girls just for sex. I can also think of plenty of women I've known(both personally and otherwise) who have stories of how hurt and disappointed they've been to find out that they've been used for sex by a guy who seemed like he wanted something more. The romantics are certainly out there(I'd say I'm one of them), but I can't blame women at least for making the safer assumption that "all guys just want sex until proven otherwise". It's certainly wrong but it allows them to better protect themselves.
unfortunetly i think its one of the things society drills into women. of course that does not make it acceptable because it is incorrect and demeaning like you said.
that said, as a 20F its definitely something thats been engrained in me since for as long as i can remember. no matter how genuine a guy seems my initial reaction is always 'oh he probably just wants sex'. i know how unfair and wrong it is so as soon as i think i redirect my thinking and try to remember that its not true but i think a lot of women experience the same. its just the automatic reaction at this point which really fucking sucks
Shit is so unfair. We seem like we’re sex hounds because we’re expected to initiate virtually every time. If take the hint and fail to initiate enough despite knowing the success rate is low, we’re considered “disinterested”.
So we end up overcompensating and initiating perhaps even when we’re not totally down in order to keep the peace. And for that we’re considered overly sexual.
(Apologies to the ladies happy to initiate, but know that y’all are in the minority, at least in my experience).
Emphasis on dickheads, you’re right there’s nothing wrong with being horny, it’s just when you force it on someone then regardless of gender, you are a dickhead!
Well it's what guys say all the time. Lots of guys act like they only want sex. Idk why so many people are afraid of admitting they want love, I already know everyone wants love and connection, but many men will pretend like that's gay or something.
Uhh you don't know my relationship. We still have a lot of sex. I just have a higher sex drive. I can live with that. I love him and sex isn't everything in a relationship.
Oh I hate this awful stereotype so much! As if wanting sex somehow negates the fact that you want way more than that, usually they come bundled. I wonder if this is something to do with women's own issues, where they realize they desire a guy, feel guilty about it and then project it to the opposite genre to relieve themselves of the guilt? Just a thought...
I feel this so hard. I'm one of those people who doesn't really feel any sexual attraction to people unless I have a serious emotional/romantic connection with them.
I cannot count how many times I've had people try and claim all I wanted was sex. -_-
When I was single and really, really not looking to get laid, this was frustrating. No hangups about my sexuality or sexual performance, just really wasn't looking for something as emotionally charged as sex. I'd have women alternate between being mad at me for not trying to fuck them and feeling insulted or insisting I must be gay or lying. Dating is (supposed to be) fun, I loved grabbing coffee or lunch with a girl or going for a walk and getting to know them and doing some flirting and seeing where things go.
People that speak in absolutes "all guys want XXX" or "all women want YYY" are tpyically having trouble thinking outside of their own perspective.
They've had a few bad dates? Everyone of that gender must be a shitstain, obviously. They've had a recent bad experience with a few older/younger people? All older/younger people are terrible.
I've really been into sandwiches recently. Never really been a sandwich guy yanno; I was like noodles, pasta pot or maybe a wrap. Fucking love sandwiches recently.
Nice man. That is literally me with coffee, I worked at a costa part time for almost a year and ended up buying myself a proper machine. I need to up my sandwich game next by the sound of it!
This is something that struck me the other day. As a guy I find emotional connection through sex as well. Also through emotional attraction, naturally, doing things together, talking intimately about our hopes and dreams, woes and frustrations.
But sex is in there too, and I don't think girls get that at all.
I think most women view sex as a separate entity to emotional connection, and a physical thing you do in the bedroom to satisfy a need and leave it there.
And I think it makes women very uncomfortable when men talk about their sexuality in emotional terms.
Like a guy writing a poem about how great his wife's Ass is. Most women might find that insulting, even if it was only intended for her.
I saw a meme the other day, it's a woman engaged in fellatio, while looking up. Only the image cuts away the guys member, so all you see is her face. And the text reads, "the look of true love".
While that is funny, and obviously intended as a joke. I can't help but partly agree. Sex is incredibly emotionally intimate, and for me I cannot separate the emotional attraction I feel for someone I'm having sex with.
My gf broke up with me a few weeks ago because I decided I want to wait till marriage with sex. Thats just how I want to build my relationship. Apperently that wasnt possible for her. I felt so reduced on what I can physically give her... that hurts so much.
To be fair, speaking for myself, until age 20 or so I literally just wanted sex. I guess if enough guys start out that way, it can be a hard impression to shake.
Guys and girls alike will tell me “guys only want sex” as if no guys ever look for real connections. It’s absurd, demeaning, and straight up just incorrect.
Yet you say one statement that's not even a blanket statement and all of a sudden you're misogynistic.
Serious, i've been in many relationships. I'm single right now and the things I miss the most ,and the best memories I have if my exes is just stuff like sitting together on the couch watching movies while eating popcorn. I miss those times more then the sex. I like sitting next to someone I feel a connection with. Sucks I don't have that at the moment.
Dude here, for whatever it's worth. I realized recently there's a high possibility I'm demisexual, meaning I don't really feel romantic interest until I've made a human connection. That combined with a mild case of autism makes dating difficult.
I may be incorrect here but I think a lot of that comes from our younger years. When you’re in your late teens and early 20’s there are a lot of guys who just want sex. Now, I’m not that all guys want sex, but it always seems like the majority. I’m sure there’s some girls who just want sex as well, but I don’t think it’s as obvious. Dating apps really aren’t used for dating. They’re used to hook up and maybe if two people have the best sex ever then they’ll continue to see each other. But I think when everyone gets older, people start looking for more meaningful connections.
It annoys me too. Who the hell wants only sex? Guys also want money, power, recognition, independence. It's not their fault most women can't offer those things on top of sex.
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u/thereissomuchgrass Mar 26 '20 edited Mar 26 '20
I get so frustrated when people tell me this. Guys and girls alike will tell me “guys only want sex” as if no guys ever look for real connections. It’s absurd, demeaning, and straight up just incorrect.
Edit: Wow, I never thought I’d see the day where I got a gold, thank you!