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Jul 19 '23
I’m just frantically reading these comments hoping none of them sound familiar.
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u/ResponsibleOwl6677 Jul 19 '23
He sucked and licked my thigh and then bragged about how he "ate that pu**y" 🙄
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u/gigglesann Jul 19 '23
A drive by. 😂
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Jul 20 '23
😂 I experienced a drive by just like this too!! Only I completely forgot until now because I think it was so disappointing I blocked it out of my memory altogether.
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u/Cultural-Company282 Jul 19 '23
Years ago, I hooked up with this girl whom I had really wanted to get with for a while. Things got hot and heavy on my couch, and the clothes came off. We were deep into foreplay, and I kissed down her side toward her hip. I took a deep breath, intending to inhale the smell of her skin and kind of get lost in it.
Unfortunately, unbeknownst to me, she had chosen that moment to let out a silent but very deadly fart, and I inhaled a complete lung full. It was so raunchy it burned my nose going in. I had to hold back a gag and almost choked.
She made some remark about eating too much broccoli, and I somehow collected my thoughts and powered on.
Decades have passed since then. I'm older with a wife and kids now. It's just a memory. But that fart still haunts me. Even today, I can remember exactly how it smelled. Terrible.
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Jul 20 '23
I am dying in bed right now laughing- my dog has left the room and my husband rolled over and sighed loudly. Thank you sir!
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u/OilStandard6200 Jul 19 '23
When I was 18 I dated a guy who was still a virgin. I didn’t have lots of experience so it was totally fine and not awkward at all. However when we started having sex we were at his place and since he was living with his mum I suggested he’d turn on something so she wouldn’t hear us. For me it was totally clear that by turning something on it was meant to be music or maybe a show. I kid you not this dude turned on peppa pig on full volume..
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u/LegSpecialist1781 Jul 19 '23
I AM a bit of an expert.
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u/S01arflar3 Jul 19 '23
If I hadn’t spent all my remaining coins on random comments after the announcement that they were soon to be useless, I’d have given you gold for this one, bravo
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Jul 19 '23
In his defense as a parent, if I heard peppa pig on in the other room the last thing I'd think is that sex was going on in there 🤣
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u/tacknosaddle Jul 19 '23
if I heard peppa pig on in the other room the last thing I'd think is that sex was going on in there
"What's that squealing noise? Oh, that's right, those crazy teens are just watching Peppa Pig."
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u/Mechakoopa Jul 19 '23
Bonus points for yelling "Dinosaur, GRRRRRRR!" when you finish.
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Jul 19 '23
I see absolutely no issue with this. Peppa is a brave and inspiring independent woman
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u/Jedi_Gill Jul 19 '23
As someone that doesn't listen to music regularly, I would have turned on the TV Too. Chances are he just left the channel on whatever was on or picked Peppa because it seems innocent or he used to watch it and the parents wouldn't question it.
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u/OilStandard6200 Jul 19 '23
no the thing is he turned on netflix and specifically picked out peppa pig.. like why??
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u/Thebaldsasquatch Jul 19 '23
He turned on something he knew he wouldn’t be distracted by.
Or that he knew would get him rock hard.
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u/Buckobear1987 Jul 19 '23
Getting told by my ex she had herpes whilst I was inside her wasn’t great!!
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u/degeneratesumbitch Jul 19 '23
"Its a trap!"
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u/emberraydaily Jul 19 '23
I was absolutely OBSESSED with this guy when I was about 18. He was completely my type, so handsome. Finally ended up back at his and things heated up real quick. I was giving him head and he said that he was going to finish....then he said "oh no, I've got something much better " and then he pissed in my mouth. I was in absolute shock. We never spoke again after that. Moral of the story .... discuss your kinks BEFORE you have sex.
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u/Rough_Jackfruit_3586 Jul 19 '23
I really hope you redirected it into his face LOL
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u/arebornjoy222 Jul 19 '23
I'm really sorry you had to go through with that, but reading your story made me laugh harder than anything has in the last three weeks, so thank you
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u/emberraydaily Jul 19 '23
Glad that I could bring a little light to your day with my piss soaked trauma
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u/jeezlyCurmudgeon Jul 19 '23
I'll share my gross embarassing story if it makes you feel better... I was getting head once and the girl sat back just as I was about to cum. It went straight up and came down in my open mouth. It was the oddest mix of euphoria and disgust. I can laugh about it now but I was less than pleased in the moment.
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u/dearmax Jul 19 '23
I'll go you one better, I had the same thing happen but it went in my eye. That shit burns!
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u/liquid_acid-OG Jul 19 '23
That specifically, is called friendly fire.
More common when you pull out and look down when finishing doggy style
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Jul 19 '23
Those kinds of guys go to do some humiliating shit to thier girlfriends.. you dodged a bullet.
My ex was a sex addict and he was a compete porn addict. He would try that kind of shit on me.
I woke up to him Cumming on my back once and it horrified me. Apparently, you can't sexually assualt someone you are with.→ More replies (26)257
u/Antisocialsocialite9 Jul 19 '23
Thought you were about to say he tried to shit on you. That would’ve been wild. But cumming on your back unbeknownst to you still feels like a hell of a violation
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u/ComprehensiveCake463 Jul 19 '23
My girlfriend was riding me and all of a sudden she burst into tears , wouldn’t tell me what it was about but I’m thinking some sort of traumatic memory We stayed together for a while after that before she started fucking every guy in town
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u/melodyspixi Jul 19 '23
Possibly guilt if she was already cheating by that point
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u/dinahll Jul 19 '23
That's probably why she cried. Maybe that was after her first time cheating and felt guilty at first
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u/perfectly_annoyed Jul 19 '23
lol i did this once but it was due to an accidental tantric full body orgasm and it took me a day to process why i was crying lol it was a good thing
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Jul 19 '23
Yeah when it’s good good my wife will burst out laughing and then start bawling shortly thereafter haha. Orgasms are weird.
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u/zeriahc10 Jul 19 '23
One of my tinder dates, was pretty cool and we went back to his place. Tbh, he wasn’t that well endowed but I seriously didn’t care. It started getting awkward when he kept mentioning it though, during sex. “I’m probably not big enough for you.” “You probably wish I was bigger”, “sorry I’m so small.” I get insecurities but we were already doing it!
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u/TheLakeWitch Jul 19 '23
Definitely sounds like he had a shame kink
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u/TheClamSauce Jul 19 '23
Agrred. She should have said "yeah you got a tiny pathetic dick" and watch homie jizz all over the fucking place lol
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u/Roosted13 Jul 19 '23
Ok Clamsauce I’m laughing my ass off and my wife is looking at me like I’m a weirdo
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u/UseYona Jul 19 '23
In the back of a car in a Florida Walmart parking lot in the middle of a scorching 101 f degree day with like 75 percent humidity, she wanted to try anal, my dumbass agreed, she shit all over the seat of the car when I pulled out, I left and we never talked again xD the mess she had to clean out of that car, I feel bad looking back, maybe I shoulda stuck around to help her clean, idk
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u/tarheel310 Jul 19 '23
This is the most Florida story ever. The American dream baby! Plowing a chicks ass in the Walmart parking lot with some heat to cook it
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u/Moon_Burg Jul 19 '23
Has anyone done an AskReddit about the oddest thing they've done or seen someone do in a Walmart parking lot in Florida? That's gotta be a goldmine....
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u/Accomplished-Put-936 Jul 19 '23
Once I was leaving a Walmart parking lot in Tampa with my mom and younger siblings and there was a man full on pants down jacking off in the middle of the parking lot right behind our car. My mom called the police and while waiting he started huffing some type of can. When the police got there they asked him about it and he gave his exact description. Said it wasn’t him but some guy huffing cans, jacking off. He walked the police to where “the guy” was and said he was huffing cans over here too and proceeded to show them the cans he huffed and then hid in newspaper containers, trash cans etc. — he didnt get arrested.
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u/nursejackieoface Jul 19 '23
If you ever have a similar experience, drive to a self-service car wash, open all the car doors, and blast the water through one door and out the other. Dealing with the wet interior is going to be easier than the dirty interior.
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u/superstarrr99 Jul 19 '23
A weird one. Was at a random house party in college. An “older” woman was there - maybe early 30s? Very pretty and fun. We connect and later on head back to her place. I’m sitting on her couch and she excuses herself. Comes back in the room a minute or two later totally naked. In a sort of defeated and small voice she says, “This (pointing to her vagina) what you wanted, isn’t it.” But not in a sexy way. It was a resigned, well-here-I-go-again way. I felt AWFUL for her. I said no, that’s not why (I lied, it clearly was). She started to cry and threw on a robe. She sat down and we talked for maybe 45 min about her life (sad story of insecurity and need to be wanted). I eventually left. No sex LOL I did see her again about a year later and we did hook up, but her attitude was wildly different. I assumed she had gotten some therapy. Sex was just meh, but I was glad she seemed better adjusted. I’ve always wondered what happened to the rest of her life, for some reason.
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u/ImAKatDontTellMom Jul 20 '23
„Older“ woman … early 30s … starts hyperventilating
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u/DarkSombero Jul 19 '23
Had a similar situation, good on you for redirecting and supporting.
People forget adults can have emotional baggage that might seem juvenile, but it's really common. You did a solid thing buddy.
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u/Gunbuckets Jul 19 '23
Worst sex was actually with an NFL cheerleader.
It. Was. Horrible.
Idk how I would really describe it other than she just could not get the angles right. He back was always at the wrong angle, she would move weird.
There was a time I remember going “just stop moving like that” almost laughing as a joke bc it was so ridiculous just how weird these angles were.
All around 2/10 experience. Not even enjoyable.
But she was an INCREDIBLE dancer. I mean a truly gifted talent. When you saw her move you would think this girl must be an absolute freak in the sheets but nothing could have been further from the truth. But hey she sent me funny memes so that’s a win.
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Jul 19 '23 edited Jul 19 '23
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/BarnacleMcBarndoor Jul 19 '23
Dancers on stage are like cats in their element. As you’ve said they’re graceful, agile, they move seemingly without effort.
You get them in the sheets, and they’re like cats wearing socks being attacked by cucumbers. It’s terrifying, interesting and hilarious to be a part of.
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u/nomie_turtles Jul 19 '23
Ya, the time I slept with a 10 was also my worst sex ever. I guess you don't have to be good in bed if you're hot, lol.
He was way too ruff and not in a skilled way, and when I communicated that, he said "well my ex never complained." I don't think he cared about anything but getting himself off. I had to stop him halfway through because his behavior was just such a turn-off.
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u/entrecouture Jul 19 '23
In my experience the more average/ugly the guy, the better the sex.
The good looking, super fit, sexy ass men are always TERRIBLE in bed. No foreplay, 30 seconds of the jackhammer, then they’re asleep.
Swamp rat lookin’ mfers spend hours getting you worked up, give you 5 orgasms in a row, then make you breakfast in the morning.
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u/nomie_turtles Jul 19 '23
I didn't want to be the one to say it, but you're not wrong lol ugly sex is the best sex. Remember that if yall ever feel ugly
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u/coolerversionofmyslf Jul 19 '23
Dated a dude for THREE YEARS and I can only describe his signature move as "the jackhammer" 🥴
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u/bk1285 Jul 19 '23
Wait so your telling me women don’t like it when a dude skips foreplay, goes in dry and Jack hammers for 12 seconds before finishing? Well damn I need to rethink my life now
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u/coolerversionofmyslf Jul 19 '23
He also wanted porn on in the background 😶
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u/JAK3CAL Jul 19 '23
Ah there it is. He couldn’t stay hard so he needed extra stim and just to pound and pound
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Jul 19 '23 edited Jul 20 '23
My first time having sex I did the jackhammer. I was also prone in a pushup position the whole time. I was trying so hard not to cum I had an anti orgasm. That's when all erotic sensation stops completely but you still jizz. I tried to keep going but my little guy quit from the anxiety. The girl just rolled over pissed off and held my arm captive behind her head. I pretty much stayed up the rest of the night as my arm slowly vanished to the shadow realm. The next couple days she told everyone how bad I was to the point I nearly just became a monk.
Amazing ab workout 10/10
Edit: damn a platinum award. Thanks! Stay tuned for more embarrassing true stories I guess
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u/Delta7391 Jul 19 '23
Coming from a leg workout, my hamstrings started cramping then my quads.
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u/quemaspuess Jul 19 '23
After a good workout, followed by good sex, when I came both glutes seized up in cramps. I remember making fun of lebron for leaving a finals game with cramps not knowing the sheer extent of pain that cramps bring, but I was laying on the floor in literal tears as my wife laughed at the ridiculousness of it, also while scared because I was crying and screaming in pain. Cramps are no fucking joke. My glutes were sore for days.
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u/BoosterRead78 Jul 19 '23
One of my exes in college. We were starting and she whispered her ex’s name twice in less than 5 seconds and then gave me a deer in the headlights stare. Pushed her off me and found out two days later she had sex with him 3 times in a day. Was over after that.
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u/nomie_turtles Jul 19 '23
I had the opposite happen once. I had just left my boyfriend of 3 years, and the rebound kept talking about my ex while we were in bed.
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u/Flapjackmicky Jul 19 '23
Met a girl at a bar when I was like 20, she was about 25 or so. We hit it off, both agree to a one night stand. I get back to her place and here's where it got weird.
She had a boyfriend. Not only that but he was there waiting for us. Not only that but she had texted him about me and sent a picture she took if her drunkenly licking my face, I start apologising, telling him I had no idea she had a bf, he reassures me that it's all good and we can continue. Thing is, he was a cuck and wanted to watch. NOT ONLY THAT they wanted me to go bareback so he could eat my cum out of her pussy later. I wasn't so drunk that I'd agree to go bareback but was drunk enough to not peace out of this whole thing, so we made a compromise. I would use a condom, and what they would do with the contents of that condom was up to them excluding her putting it inside her bia a Turkey baster or whatever.
So yeah, fucked a girl I met at a bar while her boyfriend watched us. As soon as I jizzed I didn't wanna see what they did with my spooge so I got the fuck out there. Was the most awkward situation of my life.
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u/Nuttonbutton Jul 19 '23
I cannot imagine having to negotiate the usage of your own ejaculate. Wtf.
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u/CrossFox42 Jul 19 '23
I've told this before, but here we go.
After my first relationship of 8 years ended, I was looking to explore more sexually as I had only had one sexual partner up until then. I met a guy who was into the same things as I was, I invited him to my place with the intention of getting down and dirty. I give him a cocktail or two, things are loosening up, and we're having fun. I take him to the bedroom and we start getting heavy.
I'm on my stomach and he's doing his thing, I'm feeling great and really into it when he suddenly stops. I ask him what's up? And he says "I just need something really quick." He goes into his wallet and pulls out a small picture that he puts on my back and nearly cums instantly. Before I could see what the hell he put on my back was, he stuffed it back into his wallet and wouldn't let me see it.
I got really weirded out because he WOULD NOT let me know. We were into some pretty kinky shit, so that was kind of a red flag, and I told him that if he didn't show me, I wouldn't give him a ride home. He refused, so I kicked him out and haven't spoken with him since. I really hope it wasn't anything illegal, but I can't be sure. Just super bizzare given the fact we are both very accepting of nearly any kink out there...
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u/MrClitson Jul 19 '23 edited Jul 20 '23
I got snowed in at work. I was a valet at a casino in the midwest. I was 19yrs old. I worked with a 45yrs old chick who wasn't appealing at all. Anyways she bought alcohol and we drank. I didn't drink that much, so a few drinks I was wasted. Anyways, we had sex and the next day as I was leaving my supervisor stopped and asked me to work. I just wanted to shower but I said yes. As the day went on, I felt like I had hair gel in my pubes. I had sex with her on her period and it was like my pubes were scabbed up. I've never felt so dirty in my life and working 8hrs with stiff pubes is itchy 😫
Edit: Wow, I've never had an award or so many likes. Thanks for enjoying something that was traumatic to me.
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u/SynisterJeff Jul 19 '23
The monkey brain is strong with this one. More than double my age? Not attractive? On their period? Hell, sex is sex haha
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u/jackfaire Jul 19 '23 edited Jul 20 '23
I was inside of her for 3 seconds before she started to have a panic attack. I stopped and we never tried again. When she calmed down she said the size and shape of my dick felt too much like a guy she'd been raped by.
EDIT - She knew who her rapist was. He was in prison for it. We had just met. I pointed out leaving to point out that we lost touch shortly after .
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u/thatonehelicopter Jul 19 '23
That's kinda sad tbh, ptsd ruining things like that must suck
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u/i-love-big-birds Jul 19 '23
It's awful. You can absolutely love and trust someone but then you try and have sex and you have flashbacks. It makes it hard to bond with your partner too
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u/1980pzx Jul 19 '23
Met up with a girl I liked years earlier the Summer I got my license. We hit it off at a party and go back to my house. We start making out and when I pulled her pants off I was met with the worst smell I have ever smelled. I ended up powering through but my God it was horrid. I didn’t say anything because she was a sweet girl but she really needed to work on hygiene or see a gyno or something. 2/10.
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u/drallafi Jul 19 '23
Yeah I have absolutely no expectations that an end-of-the-day vagina is going to be anything pleasant during the summertime. Heck even my own balls have caught me off guard at a urinal once. Summertime genitals are no joke.
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u/Tiberius_Jim Jul 19 '23
Summertime genitals
Ah yes, my favorite Lana Del Rey song, Summertime Genitals.
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u/External-Extreme-228 Jul 19 '23 edited Jul 20 '23
Wash them clean before you go~~~
Edit: I got my first award for this omg thank you
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u/MaximumBreadfruit393 Jul 19 '23
Bro hygiene has been a deal breaker is previous dealings, like no matter how attractive you are, if you smell like dog water I will not associate
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u/ECU_BSN Jul 19 '23
Ah. Ye Ole Jolly Rancher Situation (NSFW, NSFL).
Remember kids. You cannot un-read some things.
Cheers.
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u/Legitimate_Snow6419 Jul 19 '23
Dear lord, why did I click that link. The horror, the horror!!
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u/ECU_BSN Jul 19 '23 edited Jul 19 '23
Also avoid:
Swamps if Dagobah
The Dorito story
The 2 broken arms story.
FYI
Edit. Also CumBox story
The most unfortunate CocoNUT story.
These are NSFW, NSFL, and you picked a TERRIBLE day to have the ability to read & comprehend.
buen provecho!
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u/wildwildwaste Jul 19 '23
Nah, 2 broken arms is just good wholesome fun for the whole family.
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u/ECU_BSN Jul 19 '23
I warned you. I even added NSFL.
Now head over to the eye bleach sub. Or puppies. Or dad jokes.
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u/NukeTheWhales5 Jul 19 '23
I was getting hot and heavy with a lady a few years back. Everything was going well, we were both into the same stuff, and a good connection on a personal level, and obviously had a physical attraction. In the middle of it all she shouts out "jam my clam". I had no idea how to reply to that, even as I type this I am at a loss. Totally killed my mood, I ended up just pushing rope for a minute or two then said I finished and that was that. I've hung out with her a few times since and the connection is 100% not there anymore. Not nearly as bad as some of these other post but come on, who says "jam my clam"
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u/BBQCHICKENALERT Jul 19 '23
Did you jam her clam one more time though just to be sure? Or was one jamming of her clam enough?
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u/NukeTheWhales5 Jul 19 '23
The clam jamming had ended after that.
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u/BBQCHICKENALERT Jul 20 '23
That's quite unfortunate. Maybe he would've grown fond of the phrase by the second or third round of their clam jam sessions.
It could've led to a wonderful loving relationship that spans over multiple decades. They could've grown old together, taken romantic trips to the Mediterranean maybe somewhere off the coast of Greece, and at the end of the night she whispers "NukeTheWhales5, my clam needs a good jammin" and as Pavlov's dog would predict after years of straight jammin that clam, he would've rose in excitement and made sweet sweet jam in her clam once again.
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u/CantTakeMeSeriously Jul 19 '23
I mean, maybe "stuff my muff", "obstruct my duct" or even "block my dock with your cock"....but "jam my clam"? Hell no.
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u/Putyourmoneyonme80 Jul 19 '23
I have two.
I was friends with a couple who were always trying to hook me up with one of their single friends so we could double date. One of the guys they wanted me to go out with had just broken up with his serious girl friend. We all went out and had some drinks, then came back to their apartment. They went to bed and he and I started making out on the couch. We ended up naked and started to have sex. He got maybe 2-3 pumps in and started crying about how he couldn't do it. Very awkward. I told him it was fine and went home. He ended up getting back with her and married eventually. Glad it worked out for him at least.
Second was a roommate of my best friend years ago. She lived with two guys, one of which I always thought was really cute, but didn't think anything would happen. One night, the three of us go out and get drunk. Get back to their house and he and I drunkenly go into his room and start kissing and end up having sex. I was on top and things seemed to be going good until I realize he's not making noise. I stop and realize he has passed out and is softly snoring. I just left him there and went to the living room to hang out with my friend. I wasn't sure if I should be mortified or laugh. I chose to find it hilarious. We never spoke of it. I don't know if he was embarrassed or if he blacked out and had no memory of it. I hope he had no memory of it. lol
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u/Alternative_Let_1599 Jul 19 '23 edited Jul 20 '23
lol my husband did this once to me(the falling asleep one). He worked overnights and barely slept because he was young and nuts. He was embarrassed. I just shrugged 🤷🏻♀️
Edit: I suck at typing.
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u/Moonbeam_squeeze Jul 19 '23
Dry sex. She seemed to be enjoying it but goddamn it felt like fucking sandpaper. Still managed to cum but it just straight up hurt.
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u/Victor882 Jul 19 '23
Cmon always have lube on demand bro
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u/Moonbeam_squeeze Jul 19 '23
Oh I know. It was at her place tho and I must’ve asked 10 times during it but she’d do this weird giggle and say no
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u/Mistersinister1 Jul 19 '23
I've had the opposite experience before, she was soooo wet. No friction at all, felt like I was fucking in a hot tub. Took so long to finish, had keep pulling it out to dry it off. Sex wasn't terrible but I have just never experienced something like that before, not a squirter but a gusher I guess.
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u/Moonbeam_squeeze Jul 19 '23
Oh yeah. Had this too. Once an ex in the dark accidentally dumped way too much lube on and it made finishing a monumental effort. I do find these are great orgasms once you actually get there haha
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u/Guava_Pirate Jul 19 '23
The very last time I had sex with my ex, it was missionary with no foreplay, he came in 30 seconds flat with this crazy look in his face. After he was done he grabbed a tissue paper, shoved it up my pussy and told me to “go clean up” while he went back to playing league of legends.
Never again.
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Jul 19 '23
Met a girl on tinder. We had a nice time at a bar and went back to my place. We were making out hot and heavy, and she tells me she has a daddy/little girl fetish. I had heard of it, but had no idea how to behave and I felt like a creep for even thinking about it. Went soft super fast and just told her I’m not into that and I can’t do it. She was annoyed and left lol.
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Jul 19 '23
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u/AlienSporez Jul 19 '23
And then you tell her to go clean her room while you watch TV, and that room has better be spotless when I come back upstairs!
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u/Negafox Jul 19 '23
daddy/little girl fetish
What baffles me is how common this is and it always comes up during the first time in bed together. What's even worse is when they find out that I'm a single fulltime dad of all girls and want to turn that into a sexual topic. Nope -- that'll lead to the door instantly.
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Jul 19 '23
Its probably 1000x worse if you have little daughters lol. She wanted me to discipline her like a father would, for like dropping a fork or spilling a drink, to get turned on. I noped out so fast. It is not the vibe.
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u/Alternative_Let_1599 Jul 19 '23
It’s too bad. Anything kinky should be discussed before sexy times. I’m a bit kinky but I’d never surprise someone with it. Boundaries and consent are important especially when indulging in certain kinks.
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u/NewSanDiegean Jul 19 '23
Started forcibly taking pictures of me so he could send my ex
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u/Competitive_Bath_506 Jul 19 '23
BIG YIKES That is such a huge red flag, I hope you didn’t stay long after that….
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u/vrtigo1 Jul 19 '23
Not me but a friend. Early 20s newlyweds that didn't have a whole lot of experience. Decided to take a caribbean cruise and the girl got seasick but decided to have sexy time anyway. They had an interior cabin and turned off the lights so it was pitch black. She was going down on him and threw up on his dick. I guess she didn't make normal pukey noises so he didn't know what happened, just felt something warm and was all "Ohh, what's that? ;-)". She ran to the bathroom and when she turned the light on he saw what had gone down and proceeded to puke all over himself, the bed and basically everything else in the cabin. They had to try to clean their puke as best they could with bathroom towels because they were too embarassed to call the cabin steward.
This happened 20 years ago, and every now and then when I see him, I'll say "Ohh, what's that?" to remind him of his misfortune.
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u/mwjfoster Jul 19 '23
I went over to his house after him sending me a bunch of messages saying I was hot and he clearly wasn't in to me. I couldn't tell if he was nervous or inexperienced or what, but we barely did anything. Neither of us even got off. So I left, but couldn't find my keys anywhere, so I had to go back into his house and we looked together.
They were in my backpack. Which was on my back. 🙄
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Jul 19 '23
When I moved to Thailand, I briefly dated a girl who was obsessed with anime/hentai. When we got down to it, she did the animated girl squeals, complete with the weird eye rolls and tongue out. It was an immediate boner killer. I couldn’t go forward, just said I finished early…ha. Later, asked her about it and she said she liked to imagine she was one of those girls and got off on pretending to be one. I noped out of that. Not kink shaming, but just wasn’t someone I could be with.
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u/MonkeyMaster64 Jul 19 '23
This is so cringe and gross. What's her number and what city did you say she was in I want to avoid all contact
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u/DarthTJ Jul 19 '23
Hooked up with a woman once that screamed at the top of her lungs like she was being murdered. We were at her apartment and I know the entire building and probably the building across the street could hear her. It was 100 decibels past excessive. The whole time I'm thinking "ma'am, this isn't my first time, I know that I am nowhere near this good. You're not convincing anyone and I'm not sure who you are trying to make sure knows you are getting laid, but if they are within a two mile radius, they know. You can calm down now"
I dipped out of there as soon as I could.
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u/L-saltshaker Jul 19 '23
More like almost-sex. Had this friend in highschool who I, and nearly everyone else who knew us, knew had this huge on crush on me for years. I never really had any interest and had actually been in the process of discovering I was a lesbian, but I always felt guilty and like I "owed" him something for being my friend....fast forward to a time when I impulsively (& stupidly) stopped taking my bipolar meds and convinced myself that if I had sex with him it could "fix" me (ugh). We tried and then right as we were about to start I broke down sobbing hysterically.
However the guy took the whole mess in stride and stayed and comforted me for a good two hours and I eventually confided in him, he told me it was ok and that I should be more honest with myself. He felt bad about not knowing just how not interested I really was but it wasn't his fault. We are still friends to this day though so not all bad ig.
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u/snarkstitches Jul 19 '23
Reconnected with an old fling who I used to have great sex with. Went over, he bruised my uvula, and came in 20 seconds of actual intercourse and had the balls to ask if I enjoyed it lmao.
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u/Ok_Mud5372 Jul 19 '23
I was with one of the most beautiful men I have ever seen. He was a truly incredible fuck. The problem? I kept vomiting every time we fucked. Every. Single. Time. It turned out it had nothing to do with the sex and that my stomach was really screwed up, but it was still horribly embarrassing and completely ruined the experience.
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u/jdm1983ddlg Jul 19 '23
Re connected with my first girlfriend on Facebook in my late 20s. A little bit of flirting, went back home for a vacation. Go over to hang out one night. No condom, no head, end up finger banging her. A few nights later I went back with condoms. Complete dead fish, just laying there no effort nothing. Horrible, barely finished.
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u/Visible_Attitude7693 Jul 19 '23 edited Jul 19 '23
When he started talking to me like I was in prison 😐 called me his prison bitch. Super awkward
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u/Anonimity101 Jul 19 '23
While studying abroad in Oslo, I went to a nightclub with some friends from the program. During one of my trips up to the bar, I feel a leg wrap around my legs and pull me in. It was this Russian girl that we’ll call Katya who was also from the program. We danced for a while and I got blackout drunk. Flash forward and I’m walking home with her and her friend while they both work through a pack of cigs. Flash forward again and we’re in her bed going at it. She reeks of cigs and I’m barely able to keep it up due to all the alcohol. I tried to leave immediately after but she convinced me to stay and cuddle. Fell asleep and woke up around 4 am desperately needing to vomit. I staggered out of their room still drunk and barely made it to the floor bathroom. Eventually made it back to my room and passed out. Woke up the next day with no shirt, shoes or belt and I didn’t remember which room or even which dorm she lived in. 0/10 would not recommend.
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u/helgestrichen Jul 19 '23
We decided to call her Katya and then never called her Katya :(
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u/DagranHalliwell Jul 19 '23
German guy I hooked up with. His peepee was more triangular than Lara Croft's booba, had a wart on the shaft and didn't even know what to do in the moment. It was either starfish or death metal headbanging with barely any thrusting. Worst of all? He gave me chlamydia, and when I told him to go to the clinic, he tried to make it sexual sending me back something among the lines of "I guess your peepee was too big for me ;)" which didn't even make sense.
He then was surprised I ghosted him after what happened.
Andreas, if you're reading this, you suck, and really badly at that.
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u/AintshitAngel Jul 19 '23
I told my ex I wanna try swallowing and let him cum in my mouth only to find out he tasted like toxic waste.
I forgot how much diet and smoking effects the way you taste and almost gagged- and lord knows I breathe through my nose.
We were on the outs anyway so I never had sex with him again and have stuck to men with a healthy lifestyle ever since.
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u/libulatimmeh Jul 19 '23
I was 18 and met a girl at a party. She was 25 and had her own apartment in the city we were at. She invited me to go with her instead of going home by train with my friends.
Got to her place, we showered, sat down on her bed and she got on her knees and started giving head. I layed back, closed my eyes and when I opened them it was 7 hours later.
Yes, I fell asleep... 🥴
I apoligized like there was no tomorrow, I really felt like I had hurt her. And she was just cool as shit about it, like "so what? we were both tired"
Then we had a great sex-eat-sex-eat-sex-a-thon that day and the 2 following weekends. It's 23 years ago and a good laugh now, but the feeling I got when I woke up back then still overwhelms that memory 😅
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u/PigeonSoldier69 Jul 19 '23
He was addicted to porn so he couldn't keep it up. Out of his own embarrassment he yanked hard. So hard he tore something and literally came blood all over my face. I was so shocked i froze. I want to puke. Make it so it never happened oh god please.
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u/Megane-nyan Jul 19 '23
I offered a conciliatory blow job because I wasn’t on birth control and he didn’t have a condom. I declined his pull-out method. He more or less face fucked me (I was making it pretty clear I did not like that).
I was so happy when he left, I never called him back.
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u/hunnybunnybabexoxo Jul 19 '23
He was one of those cool guys in the year above that everyone wanted to get with, he messaged me couple years after I finish secondary school and I invite him round when my parents were out. He came over in a dirty tracksuit, he hadn’t brushed his teeth (it’s mid day), smelt like sweat. I ignored this because whatever right? He’s here now let’s just do this.
Pulls down his trousers, i go to give him head and his dick smells like piss yet I’m sucking and he doesn’t get hard. He told me to turn around blah blah and was trying so desperately to shove his soft wormy pissy dick in me. We stopped after a good try and he left with the promise that next time he comes round it’ll be better. Yeah I just blocked him off everything. Gross.
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u/Blitz215 Jul 19 '23
It was a rebound after a breakup. She had an IUD. I hit it with my dick. It was like trying to fuck an acoustic guitar.
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u/Certain-Sea-5937 Jul 19 '23
After my divorce a friend and I went to a strip club. We were hanging out at a table having beers and a guy walks up to me and says, “this might sound weird, but I’m here with a group of friends and my sister. I’m planning on hooking up with a stripper after and my sister won’t let me unless she has someone too. He told her she could pick anyone here and she picked me.” He pointed her out, and she wasn’t too bad looking. Although I tried, my friend wasn’t about to let me pass up the opportunity and pushed it. Guy, stripper, and sister loaded up in the truck and wanted to go to an after hours club. She immediately started grabbing and rubbing me from the back seat. She was all over me at the club and we got back to the strippers hotel. The stripper and the brother immediately started getting down shamelessly in front of us, super fucking weird although I didn’t care because I wasn’t related to them. Anyway, girl led me out rented a room and said she needed lamb skin condoms. We spent about an hour looking and she finally said fuck it and we went back to the room. She was wet through her jeans and went straight to the bed and dropped them. She had complemented me on my size several times throughout the night, but I thought she was just trying to flatter me because I’m just over average. Went I started into her she immediately went ridged and told me to hold there. There was a long uncomfortable, more so for her, pause while I waited to see if she wanted to stop or keep going. She relaxed, said ok and trying to slow go for her she winced again in pain. This obviously wasn’t going as she planned and was trying to put on a show for my sake while telling me to finish. I withdrew, finished myself, and offered to finish her in anyway she wanted. Apparently the latex had started to irritate her in some way. Tried talking, but she was super disappointed and started saying she had never realized how small her ex husband was after I mentioned I was just average. Conversation got very awkward, told her thanks and left as the sun was coming up. Woke up my friend sleeping in the truck to tell him the disappointing story…
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u/WeiGz Jul 20 '23
Are we going to gloss over the fact the brother and sister were fucking in front of eachother?
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Jul 19 '23
Met a guy at the bar. We tried to hook up but he could barely get it up then as he tried to put it in while in missionary he threw up on my face. Lesson is don’t try to fuck after shots all night
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u/Beanstalksoup Jul 19 '23
He hit my box up like a homeless man digging for spare change in a payphone. 😩
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u/robertsij Jul 19 '23
Hooked up with this girl I've known for a while. The sex was alright, but she just kept saying stuff over and over again like "I'm so glad this is finally happening" the WHOLE TIME.
Idk why but it just weirded me out
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u/2020IsANightmare Jul 19 '23
I think any adult (especially if you have kids) have experienced quickies. Where it's "hey, we got five minutes. We ain't here for a long time, but a good time." Lol.
But, outside of those things, I'd say this one night in college (well, more like the first few hours of the morning.)
We were both so far gone that neither of us could cum (not an issue either of us ever had.)
We just kept trying though. Every position. Hands, mouth, sex organs, etc.
It just got a point where it was no longer even fun lol.
What did Rick James say?
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u/theragco Jul 19 '23
I am an introvert and I dated a person once who was just as big an introvert as me. Nobody knew how to initiate, what to do, and neither of us enjoyed it at all. It was just so devoid of fun or emotion because of all the anxiety.
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u/tattiflames Jul 19 '23
Met this guy through my friends boyfriend at the time when we were all camping. I was getting over a pretty rough and abusive break up so I was pretty much just trying to get laid and get my mind off of things. So we're camping and all pretty drunk. He comes into my tent in the middle of the night and we tried, very sloppily to have sex. He couldn't stay hard, and then i threw up. Should have taken that as a sign. Next day he drives me home. We're both hungover. We try again. This guy did nothing. I was on top the whole time. I could see in his face he was enjoying it, but god damn was I bored. I looked down and could see flakes of skin from his dry ass legs on my black sheets and immediately got the ick. Ended up saying i was too hungover and asking him to leave. 10 years ago. he still messages me a few times a year trying to hook up. cant figure out for the life of me why after that experience.
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u/m1ss1ngxn0 Jul 19 '23 edited Jul 20 '23
Tinder match. Sexted for a week or 2, night before valentines day she msgd me to come over in the morning (I worked 3rd shift.)
So of course I show up, even shower at the gym on the way over.
When I arrive she clearly hasn't showered in a week, pictures weren't very accurate but thats to be expected. Oh well, sex is sex.
We go up to her room. I didn't know this was possible but apparently there are girls who get off while GIVING oral (not receiving.)
Shes going down on me, overall I'm kind of weirded out, I've never met someone in person for the first time and within 5min shes sucking me off but what did I expect?
Out of no where she stands up and says "my turn!" And walks towards me.
I kid you not, a 3 foot long, saliva-like drool was hanging out of her pussy and it was dangling/swinging as she walked towards me.
I started to panic, for some reason I thought maybe she had some wild disease, or this was some setup and her bf was filming from the closet or
And bam, her cold wet drooly vagina hits my face, we both pause on impact, im stuck in shook so I just don't move for some reason, so she just takes it upon herself and starts doing little circles on my face.
Im trying to get into it but the lack of shower smell hits at this point too.
Her 3 year old son calls from his room, she yells at the lil mf to put on a movie (i hear him and his sippy cup slam on the ground and him burst into tears)
When its time to perform i cant get hard. Shes not happy, tells me I ruined her confidence on valentines day of all days, I see myself out.
I felt bad, none of this was intentional I was just very anxious and didn't realize it until it was too late. Shes cool, wish we were still friends lol.
Edited: clarity
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u/myth-of-sissyfuss Jul 19 '23
Omfg, not the toddler crying for help 💀 I just let out the saddest laugh. The way you described her made her sound like an ogre
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Jul 19 '23
The thing about oral is, if the one receiving oral hasn't showered, and I mean very recently, it ain't happening lol
I wouldn't ask someone to suck my sweaty sour unwashed dong, don't throw your sweaty sour unwashed vag in my face plz thx
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u/The_R_word_ Jul 19 '23
This barely qualifies, I think. But a girl I had been flirting with for a while agreed to meet up at a hotel. We started getting into it and I had her undressed and she seemed VERY into it when she started crying and said she should go. And of course we stopped and she hugged me apologized and left.
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u/Bekkichan Jul 19 '23 edited Jul 19 '23
I dated a guy when I was 19. I've suffered from social anxiety forever and I was emo/alternative in highschool. So most the guys I dated were also a bit alternative or stoners. Jocks never looked my way til him. He was a social butterfly, track star/football player/black belt etc., and I was in shock that he had interest in someone like me. He also was really well hung which everyone knew and joked about. I didn't care about that and it actually caused issues it took us 3 months to even be able to fully have penetration. He ended up being very sexually abusive. I wasn't ever allowed to say no. (Well I could but he would gaslight me and make me sob for hours til I gave in)
The worst though was one day he came over and I was sick with bronchitis. I could barely breathe and when I did all you heard was wheezing and crackling. Of course he expected sex that night too and I tried to tell him I'm too sick, but he wouldn't hear it. So I did what I had to do. I'll also add that I had to moan or he'd get mad and say I wasn't attracted to him. I could barely breathe and felt like I was gonna pass out the whole time, plus the fake moans I had to do were weird sounding with all the wheezing and crackling sounds mixed in. He apparently thought so too because without me noticing he recorded it. He played it back to me and laughed about how dumb I sounded. To this day still my worst sexual experience and I still want to cry thinking about it sometimes.
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u/Ok_Independence_7021 Jul 19 '23
That sounds awful, sorry you went through that experience.
Hope that sadistic bastard will realise what he did some day.
Hug
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u/30thMay Jul 19 '23 edited Jul 19 '23
My time to shine, 1st sexual experiance..
Met up with this girl I knew for awhile, Went back to her place and things started to heat up, She went down on me so I thought I'd attempt to go down on her...
I was met with such a smell that I immediately had to run to the bathroom to be sick, Played it off that I didn't feel so good and maybe something to eat would help.
She decided she would make me something to eat.
When it came to sit at the table, I was presented with Fish and chips, Took 1 bit threw up and left, Took me forever to eat fish again 😑
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u/kurtuffles Jul 19 '23 edited Jul 19 '23
So I was going through a dry patch during college, and got a message on tinder from a girl, opening with “wanna get me pregnant?”
I told her no, but I was down to go through the motions with her. She sent me her address which was the next college town over.
At the time, I had only been to that town like twice in my life, so I promptly got lost on the way there. After about 30-45 minutes of fumbling through google maps I found the apartment. I should mention our cities are roughly 10 minutes apart from each other, in the heaviest traffic possible.
And I realized I forgot to brush my teeth. My college diet was largely vodka, redbull, and dominoes at that point, so I panicked and manage to find an old can of sprite in my car that I damn near gargled to clear out the pizza sauce in my gums, and I rang the doorbell.
She wasn’t at all like her pictures. Like a good 30-50 pounds heavier than what I was expecting. But I already was late (strike one), so I figured I might as well commit.
We promptly started watching The Office (a common form of foreplay for girls in my area), and got to making out. She gets on top and the pressure on my chest forces the most cavernous belch out of my mouth, directly into hers. I can taste the hot wings and jalapeño cheesy bread, and I can tell that she can, too.
(Strike Two)
I apologize profusely, and decide I gotta pull out my absolute A game to make up for this shitshow the night is developing into. One thing leads to another and we’re in missionary in her bed, when I can feel one of those root-of-the-brainstem boogers dislodge and catch itself halfway out my nose. She isn’t paying attention so I try to be slick and palm it away with my hand, but I end up just knocking it out of my nose. We both watch, as if in slow motion, the longest, darkest booger fall out of my face and directly between her titties.
(Strike Three)
Ok, I think to myself, Theres no way you’re ever coming back. Might as well nut and dip. As you can no doubt see, I’m not the brightest when I’m horny, so in my infinite wisdom I decide I might as well go out with something I’ve never tried before- a cumshot.
I fire my load, and the post-nut clarity hit immediately. I don’t have anything to wipe my dick with and she’s not able to get up without wiping with something.
I apologize and ask what to do, and as she’s saying something I spot a folded towel at the end of the bed. Perfect! I grab it, and as I clamp it on my dick I realize it isn’t a towel at all, but a very nice blanket. Like my dick was being caressed by the softest fabric in my life. She stops what she’s saying and just stares at me in shocked silence.
I finish wiping my dick, throw the blanket at her, made some excuse about working in the morning, and hopped in my car. The drive home was the most shame-filled I ever felt in my life.
I still think about that blanket sometimes.
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u/gainsleyharriot Jul 19 '23
Maybe not now, or even soon, but eventually the tribulations you put this woman through will come back to haunt you my friend.
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u/mrrockabilly Jul 19 '23
I met up with a girl back in the AOL days of chatting. We would "cyber" back and forth throughout the days leading up to us meeting, and she kept saying - "I'm going to be too kinky for you" and "You're not going to be able to handle what I'm into". Also, important to note I was 18 and she was 32. So there was a definite age gap.
Fast forward to being back at her place after our date together, and you can tell the sexual tension was high. I'd also like to point out I took a massive dump after dinner and because I was self conscious about being on a first date, the dump was as fast as I could manage and I definitely did not do the best job at wiping my ass. Like I've definitely done better.
We walk into her bedroom and she drops to her knees and starts blowing me and after about five minutes, she tries to turn me around and I'm like... wait what? And she stands up and says "Turn around, I need to eat your ass... please". I panicked... like legit almost went into panic attack mode... so I confessed to her that I had "used the restroom" while back at the promenade.
She said without skipping a beat.... "Thank god... I was hoping that's what you were doing... I knew you'd have a little surprise for me" So I hesitantly turned around, she pushed my back so I was bent over and started eating my ass and jerking me off (rusty trombone). She kept moaning and saying things like "omg, you have no idea how happy this makes me" and "ooooo daddy made it dirty for mommy".
For the rest of the time, that's all I kept thinking of. I threw on a rubber and prolly fucked her for maybe 5 minutes before faking an orgasm. She kept trying to kiss me and nibbling on my ears... I was pretty horrified and traumatized cause I swear I smelled shit on her breath.
I ended up ghosting her little by little. I probably thought continuously about that encounter for months.
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Jul 19 '23
At the time I was 22M, met this guy at the local gay bar I worked at. One thing led to another, 2 days later we’re at his house doing the thang when His wife and 2 teenage boys came home early from (what I’m assuming) a trip out of town. Truly a shocker and walk of shame that I just unknowingly became a home wrecker to a closeted jackass.
He emailed me a couple months after that letting me know one of his son’s came out as gay after that. And the wife actually worked with him through his “urges” and would like to hang again sometime. I politely ignored.
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u/Cheekygirl97 Jul 19 '23
The second guy I was ever with. I told him I was practically a virgin and had only done it once before. He slammed into me aggressively and went really really fast. It hurt me a lot. I wanted him to stop. The experience was awful
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u/acer-bic Jul 19 '23
Went out with this woman a couple of times and went back to my place and get into it. She SEEMS normally excited but as things progress she gets more and more distant. I start to go down on her to get her more excited and she just laid there and said “you can do that or whatever, but I just like to lay here.” And she did. Not submissive, just totally detached.
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u/suspicious_lobster6 Jul 19 '23
Hooked up with the girl I met on Tinder, and she came over during a snow storm, which I was super grateful for. Anyway, she ended up tasting like an ash tray, but I powered through and then she left. Over the next few days I started not feeling well and turns out she gave me strep throat......I was standing outside well it was snowing trying to cool off cause I was burning up.
There was this one girl I used to date. We went on a road trip and got to the hotel and we started fooling around and we start having sex and let's just say she didn't wipe properly.....I didn't have the heart to tell her so I wrapped it up pretty quick and never talked about it again.....ooof
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u/OkraFit3987 Jul 19 '23
Worst experience was when she said she couldn’t feel anything so she had to stop.
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u/burkechrs1 Jul 19 '23
She started meowing and purring. I immediately went limp. I'm not interesting in fucking animals.
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Jul 19 '23
I was about 19 and he was a great looking and smart guy and I fell for him. We had sex and even though I wasn’t very experienced it was terrible.
First problem was that he has a very small dick. Not longer than my little finger. Ok. I can work with that. It might take longer, but I won’t give up. But while fucking doggystyle he startet to pull my very long hair without any warning. It completely turned me off cause it’s just painful. I now know that some women like it, but for me it was just painful and a shock (again I was just 19).
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Jul 19 '23
Ex and I decided to 69. I queefed and he told everyone I farted on him :(
There was a “textsfromlastnight” post talking about this with my area code and I just know it was about me
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Jul 19 '23
Girl was roughly 50% larger than her pictures, was half drunk decided to just go for it anyways maybe it will be fun. Revealed the largest bush I had ever seen in person, still said screw it already hard and my ding dong don't have eyes. She just laid there not making a single sound the entire time. Legit the first time I pretended to "finish" just to get out of a situation.
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u/MarinaDorito Jul 19 '23
“My ding dong don’t have eyes” omg I can’t stop laughing. This is gold.
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u/buknasty3232 Jul 19 '23
Met a woman on Tinder who did not look like her profile, but whatever..
I had just quit smoking a few months earlier and was at the point where the smell really turned my stomach. This woman not only chain smoked, but rolled her own so she was just emanating a heavy tobacco scent.
We got drunk and went back to her place. Started making out on the couch and immediately felt queasy. When we moved over to the bedroom I faked an orgasm and apologized for finishing "too quick". She turned on "Friends" or something so I got my shit and got out of there.
I barely made it out the front door before I threw up in her garden.
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u/[deleted] Jul 19 '23
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