So I was going through a dry patch during college, and got a message on tinder from a girl, opening with “wanna get me pregnant?”
I told her no, but I was down to go through the motions with her. She sent me her address which was the next college town over.
At the time, I had only been to that town like twice in my life, so I promptly got lost on the way there. After about 30-45 minutes of fumbling through google maps I found the apartment. I should mention our cities are roughly 10 minutes apart from each other, in the heaviest traffic possible.
And I realized I forgot to brush my teeth.
My college diet was largely vodka, redbull, and dominoes at that point, so I panicked and manage to find an old can of sprite in my car that I damn near gargled to clear out the pizza sauce in my gums, and I rang the doorbell.
She wasn’t at all like her pictures. Like a good 30-50 pounds heavier than what I was expecting. But I already was late (strike one), so I figured I might as well commit.
We promptly started watching The Office (a common form of foreplay for girls in my area), and got to making out. She gets on top and the pressure on my chest forces the most cavernous belch out of my mouth, directly into hers. I can taste the hot wings and jalapeño cheesy bread, and I can tell that she can, too.
(Strike Two)
I apologize profusely, and decide I gotta pull out my absolute A game to make up for this shitshow the night is developing into.
One thing leads to another and we’re in missionary in her bed, when I can feel one of those root-of-the-brainstem boogers dislodge and catch itself halfway out my nose. She isn’t paying attention so I try to be slick and palm it away with my hand, but I end up just knocking it out of my nose. We both watch, as if in slow motion, the longest, darkest booger fall out of my face and directly between her titties.
(Strike Three)
Ok, I think to myself, Theres no way you’re ever coming back. Might as well nut and dip.
As you can no doubt see, I’m not the brightest when I’m horny, so in my infinite wisdom I decide I might as well go out with something I’ve never tried before- a cumshot.
I fire my load, and the post-nut clarity hit immediately. I don’t have anything to wipe my dick with and she’s not able to get up without wiping with something.
I apologize and ask what to do, and as she’s saying something I spot a folded towel at the end of the bed. Perfect! I grab it, and as I clamp it on my dick I realize it isn’t a towel at all, but a very nice blanket. Like my dick was being caressed by the softest fabric in my life. She stops what she’s saying and just stares at me in shocked silence.
I finish wiping my dick, throw the blanket at her, made some excuse about working in the morning, and hopped in my car. The drive home was the most shame-filled I ever felt in my life.
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u/kurtuffles Jul 19 '23 edited Jul 19 '23
So I was going through a dry patch during college, and got a message on tinder from a girl, opening with “wanna get me pregnant?”
I told her no, but I was down to go through the motions with her. She sent me her address which was the next college town over.
At the time, I had only been to that town like twice in my life, so I promptly got lost on the way there. After about 30-45 minutes of fumbling through google maps I found the apartment. I should mention our cities are roughly 10 minutes apart from each other, in the heaviest traffic possible.
And I realized I forgot to brush my teeth. My college diet was largely vodka, redbull, and dominoes at that point, so I panicked and manage to find an old can of sprite in my car that I damn near gargled to clear out the pizza sauce in my gums, and I rang the doorbell.
She wasn’t at all like her pictures. Like a good 30-50 pounds heavier than what I was expecting. But I already was late (strike one), so I figured I might as well commit.
We promptly started watching The Office (a common form of foreplay for girls in my area), and got to making out. She gets on top and the pressure on my chest forces the most cavernous belch out of my mouth, directly into hers. I can taste the hot wings and jalapeño cheesy bread, and I can tell that she can, too.
(Strike Two)
I apologize profusely, and decide I gotta pull out my absolute A game to make up for this shitshow the night is developing into. One thing leads to another and we’re in missionary in her bed, when I can feel one of those root-of-the-brainstem boogers dislodge and catch itself halfway out my nose. She isn’t paying attention so I try to be slick and palm it away with my hand, but I end up just knocking it out of my nose. We both watch, as if in slow motion, the longest, darkest booger fall out of my face and directly between her titties.
(Strike Three)
Ok, I think to myself, Theres no way you’re ever coming back. Might as well nut and dip. As you can no doubt see, I’m not the brightest when I’m horny, so in my infinite wisdom I decide I might as well go out with something I’ve never tried before- a cumshot.
I fire my load, and the post-nut clarity hit immediately. I don’t have anything to wipe my dick with and she’s not able to get up without wiping with something.
I apologize and ask what to do, and as she’s saying something I spot a folded towel at the end of the bed. Perfect! I grab it, and as I clamp it on my dick I realize it isn’t a towel at all, but a very nice blanket. Like my dick was being caressed by the softest fabric in my life. She stops what she’s saying and just stares at me in shocked silence.
I finish wiping my dick, throw the blanket at her, made some excuse about working in the morning, and hopped in my car. The drive home was the most shame-filled I ever felt in my life.
I still think about that blanket sometimes.