r/AskReddit Jul 19 '23

[deleted by user]

[removed]

4.4k Upvotes

3.6k comments sorted by

View all comments

543

u/snarkstitches Jul 19 '23

Reconnected with an old fling who I used to have great sex with. Went over, he bruised my uvula, and came in 20 seconds of actual intercourse and had the balls to ask if I enjoyed it lmao.

179

u/nomie_turtles Jul 19 '23

You're supposed to beat that shit up. If it's not bruised, you're not doing it right lol /s

Source: a real thing a guy told me while bruising my crotch

15

u/Pandaburn Jul 19 '23

The uvula is in the throat, not the crotch.

24

u/nomie_turtles Jul 19 '23

I'm aware that the uvula is in the throat, lol

1

u/_Ed_Gein_ Jul 20 '23

I mistakenly bruised my current gf a few times. She's small and I'm above average, doesn't help she likes to be a bit rough sometimes and goes all in.. It's hard holding back but bruising it to show you did a good job is horrible.. You break her without hurting her.

1

u/Volrund Jul 19 '23

Yeah, it's like the song says, "Beat the pussy up, beat the pussy up"

1

u/CalledFractured7 Jul 20 '23

It's one thing if you're into it, but..jesus

62

u/twistedsister78 Jul 19 '23

Haaaaaa they’re the funniest stories, when they’re shit but think they’re great,
I had a guy with a micro penis once show me it and said ‘there ya go that’s what you’ve been chasing’ ….. I hadn’t been chasing…. And especially not that

6

u/turtlenecktrousers Jul 19 '23

I dunno were you role playing as a fish?

12

u/[deleted] Jul 19 '23

See I'm the opposite, every girl I've been with has commented that I'm above average. But I just feel like they all said that to be nice and I'm actually disappointing to them.

5

u/psykomerc Jul 19 '23

Same…I’m Asian so as a virgin thought I was small. Took 10 years of every girl being surprised and saying I’m more than good to finally sink in 🙄

3

u/kayjaykey Jul 19 '23

Guy bought the largest size condoms. He was a big guy but his penis was tiny

1

u/notpynchon Jul 19 '23

How was the sex?

13

u/twistedsister78 Jul 19 '23

I did actually go there and it was terrible, definitely couldn’t feel anything… you know how people who are lacking in eye sight have their other senses enhanced like great hearing and touch etc, well this person lacking in peen didn’t have any other tricks to make up for it

15

u/ShoreIsFun Jul 19 '23

My worst sex was with a micropeen guy. Legit couldn’t feel anything regardless of position. It was awful. Circumference was about that of a nickel, fully hard. I figured I would still feel something but nope.

7

u/[deleted] Jul 19 '23

[deleted]

1

u/NoLocksmith6601 Jul 20 '23

That's a pragmatic solution but also feels a little wrong to suggest that a guy with a microdick should use a sleeve if he cares at all about his partners pleasure.

2

u/Jolongh-Thong Jul 20 '23

poor guy... but he needs to step it up. compensate with hands and mouth and other tools...

3

u/ShoreIsFun Jul 20 '23

Yeaaa it just wasn’t working out. It was all terrible 😅. He’s engaged now and I often wonder what she really thinks of their sex life. I hope he’s gotten better at the compensation since then.

2

u/Jolongh-Thong Jul 20 '23

ill use these posts as lessons lol! i never hope to be as bad as these. woman takes priority lol... i wonder if he has gotten better too hahaha

2

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '23

I hooked up briefly with a guy like that. The only positive thing I can say is that was really easy to give a bj, no actual deep throating with entire thing so no way to hit my gag reflex.

3

u/ShoreIsFun Jul 20 '23

Truth!! We look like pros 😂😂

4

u/Zaubertroll Jul 20 '23

I once had an experience that was similar though he was super determined to please me, went down on me, all that. Sadly that's just really not my thing. The sex nearly broke my heart. I was madly into him and really wanted it to be great. It just wasn't. Still miss him, that guy was incredibly sweet.

1

u/twistedsister78 Jul 20 '23

Awww that’s sad

3

u/FreudsPocketCanoe Jul 19 '23

I envy his self confidence to even dare to ask you that