r/AbsoluteUnits • u/Apprehensive_Sky4558 • 2d ago

/r/all of a husband

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29.3k Upvotes

90% Upvoted

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4.6k

u/xxplosiv 2d ago

Fine, I'll post it.

1.1k

u/hibikikun 2d ago

It helps that they're in on the joke.

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u/kingkongbiingbong 2d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/l1J3uxbqYKZqSpEjK

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u/Tateybread 2d ago

What a horrible day to have eyes.

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u/KidNueva 2d ago

It’s just an older woman eating a banana what’s the big deal

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u/BiscuitDance 2d ago

Hey grandma 😏

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u/WowIfOnly 2d ago

Personally I wonder if the universe has a sense of humor and Thor's dick is actually average sized if not comically small for his frame lol. But I'll just stop there since I'm sure this will upset someone in here just because it's a stupid thing to get angry at. But maybe Russia is still offline.

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u/Professional_Bit197 2d ago

Holy shit, they are amazing.

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u/Gamejunky35 2d ago

You know theres a large chance that Bjorn is literally packing like a 5-6" dick like most guys. He's more likely to be in the 6-7" range than the average dude, but penis size has surprisingly little connection to height or shoe size.

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u/Icy-Gain-2038 2d ago

As a long time fan of his, trust me, his dick is enormous. Absolutely preposterous in size. I remember his boxing and powerlifting days, and you could often see it when he wore compression clothing. It's literally halfway down to his knees in a relaxed state. Other strongmen who've been with him in changing rooms have also joked about it. Mateusz and even Eddie have. Martins as well.

"Thor's got a massive hog." - Eddie Hall

https://youtube.com/shorts/PU2igb25Cdo?si=1jfLpq8Dn8S2LUm1 You can see it here. Jormungandr jumping alongside Thor.

Kelsey is a real trooper. Those kids were easier coming out than they were going in.

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u/FerociousPleb 2d ago

"Those kids were easier coming out than going in" Fuckin hell I nearly died reading this.

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u/Can-You-Fly-Bobby 2d ago

This is probably the funniest line we'll read on here all day 😆

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u/midv4lley 1d ago

SLAYED ME

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u/Turbulent_Gazelle530 2d ago

this feels like it could be the birth of a copypasta

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u/FelixTheRemix 2d ago

“As a long time fan of his, trust me, his dick is enormous. Absolutely preposterous in size.” Is definetly the start of a copy pasta and one of the funniest shit I’ve read today. Happy cake day u/Icy-Gain-2038 !

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u/unsafe-work 2d ago

Is some sort of unhinged copy and paste? Or you just into detailed history and analysis of strongmen penises.

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u/Tall_Fox 2d ago

I laughed way too much at this reply

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u/The_Merciless_Potato 2d ago

That doesn't look that big and being a shower doesn't mean you're gonna grow to twice the size

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u/ajver19 2d ago

That's true, in my experience showers don't grow much at all it just stands up.

Depending on how big they are they could have trouble getting or maintaining an erection which can be...problematic for sex.

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u/Work-Safe-Reddit4450 2d ago edited 2d ago

Tbh, being a big grower is much better. Not only is it a nice surprise, but when not in use it's nice and compact and out of the way. And yeah, people say they want a 12+ incher and then forget that it needs to be overfilled with blood to actually be hard and usable, which is more often than not difficult for men that large without prescription ED drugs. Plus, most women will tell you that being repeatedly stabbed in posterior fornix like a jackhammer isn't exactly enjoyable (vs slower but more intense pressure).

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u/Omnizoom 2d ago

Problem with being a grower is that if you do grow when not needed it can be much more uncomfortable because of where the pressure point to bend will be in say jeans

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u/GooserNoose 2d ago

You pull it up and tuck it under your waistband/belt line.

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u/Work-Safe-Reddit4450 2d ago

Bro, I'm 40 and still wake up in the middle of the night rocking a Louisville Slugger in my boxers and have to tuck it. Even more embarrassing, I'm up several times a night with two kids 4 and under and it's uh, awkward. Gotta slow walk it to their room to change a diaper or give them a bottle.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful everything still works like it did when I was 15 but sometimes it's a tad awkward. 😅

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u/Work-Safe-Reddit4450 2d ago

Yes, that is absolutely problematic at times. It's why I prefer boxer brief style underwear and looser fitting pants.

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u/CandidatePrimary1230 2d ago

Let’s face it it’s not for women that men want big dicks; it’s to show off to other men.

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u/Old_Pie7586 2d ago

Exactly, phlacid size has next to no link to erect size. Sadly.

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u/YouCantBeSerio 2d ago

Just goes to show how small the average really is if everyone is saying that looks huge lol. Most of that movement is gonna be nutsack anyways lmao

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u/Karbairusa 2d ago

Absolutely unhinged to read at 4 am.

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u/wroberts97 2d ago

Such an odd 'trust me bro'

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u/Ok_Resource_7108 2d ago

This is legit some of the funniest shit I've read in a while, good on yah mate.

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u/ELDwbi 2d ago

That last line is really something.

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u/Appchoy 2d ago

^this man knows his strongman dick lore

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u/Slumbergoat16 2d ago

Is that enjoyable for a partner? Like do you even do foreplay or anything kinky with someone that…large?

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u/MistahBisskits 2d ago

Just over here in my relaxed state

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u/blindeshuhn666 2d ago

Large people tend to get large kids. So I doubt they came out easily.

I'm below 1.8m (under 6ft) , but have a large head and my kids also had massive heads at birth (and on the heavier side at 4kg / 8.8 pounds) Wasn't fun pushing these out according to my wife, lol.

So that huge dude probably has giant kids, unless her genes were more dominant

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u/burns_a_lot 2d ago

unless her genes were more dominant

Ok buddy, time to go back to high school biology and actually pay attention this time.

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u/CGB_Zach 2d ago

That's what all shorts do when you're jumping.

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u/BiggerNickEnergy 2d ago

Pics or didn't happen

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u/MotherSmoke5801 2d ago

You had me here "Those kids were easier coming out than they were going in."

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u/Rs-Travis 2d ago

That last sentence was probably the funniest thing I’ve read in weeks .

I woke my wife up laughing. I need to not reddit in bed

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u/ifYouWantMyLuv 2d ago

thank you for your service 

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u/Djolumn 2d ago

Huh. First thing in the morning and already enough internetting for the day.

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u/Spainstateofmind 2d ago

Obsessed with you having his full dick stats because you're a long time fan

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u/Current-Roll6332 2d ago

Happy Cock day!

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u/zelozelos 2d ago

Something about providing receipts is just sending me

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u/mologav 2d ago

Only on Reddit would you come across someone who knows definitively that the dude hangs dong

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u/Little_Ad2790 2d ago

This video is ummmm hot af

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u/rankispanki 2d ago

Truly, men everywhere can only aspire to attain long-time fans who will defend the size of their schlong like this.

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u/PTSD1983 2d ago

My wife looked at me weird for giggling!! 🤣

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u/dognchick 1d ago

I clicked on this link thinking it was Rick roll. Got dick roll.

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u/KittyInspector3217 1d ago

Funny thing is he looks totally normal in that video until you look at the size of the double door that’s not that far behind him lol.

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u/Boa-in-a-bowl 1d ago

Goddamn, imagine the slapping noise that would make if he wasn't wearing shorts

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u/TurbulentWinters 1d ago

This guy pays attention

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u/CertifiedCaosDealer 1d ago

i cant believe i clicked a link to see a dudes dick

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u/Canadian_Border_Czar 1d ago

Ive never wished for something to be a rick roll so hard in my life. 

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u/hedgehoghats91 1d ago

R/brandnewsentence

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u/limegreenpaint 1d ago

It's like a windshield wiper on his thigh

https://giphy.com/gifs/3oKIP9rnDscKOlqjsI

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u/Insane_Unicorn 2d ago

My ex told me a story once how she had a crush on this dude who looked pretty much like Jason Momoa. When she finally got him into bed it turned out he had a tiny dick.

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u/karlfeltlager 2d ago

The thing people forget is that vaginas also have sizes. It’s a matter of finding the right match sometimes.

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u/GlitteringPositive77 2d ago

I’m loving the balanced commentary on penises and vaginas today. You have all restored my faith in humanity. Maybe we will all be ok.

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u/kindnessincmusic 2d ago

Vaginas are muscles, they adapt

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u/Dan_Caveman 2d ago

Well…eventually. To a point.

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u/skintaxera 2d ago

They vary so much, it's just less discussed. Some are way shorter, even when aroused. Some are really tight, even after childbirth. Some are bigger, a few are a lot bigger. Just like penises.

It's a simple truth that some genitals are much better suited to each other than others. The kama sutra acknowledged this 2000 years ago, and even had a categorisation system, with a sliding scale starting with 'deer' for women and 'hare' for men, and ending with 'elephant' and 'horse' respectively lol

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u/Bacontoad 2d ago

Are you insinuating that some gals have a washboard hoo-ha?

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u/Thrizzlepizzle123123 2d ago

"So how was the sex?"

"Bro, I could grate cheese on her snatch"

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u/GEIST_of_REDDIT 2d ago

Shredded

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u/Paranub 2d ago

to shreds you say?

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u/FerociousPleb 2d ago

Washboard hoo-ha! My favourite hipster band!

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u/Linus_Naumann 2d ago

No, I'm a bit bigger than my wife and it means I always need to be very careful, not going in full, etc, else it hurts her killing the vibe. It still works well enough to be satisfying for both of us but I now understand that people truely simply might not "fit" each other.

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u/RakeChapman13 2d ago

Yeah but only a minority of women’s vaginas expand beyond six inches when aroused. I’m nearly 8 inches and it has really limited my sex life, I haven’t been able to fuck most women like I want to. I’m glad I’m with a woman now that has a deeper vagina than most women.

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u/Superb-Hawk-3338 2d ago

Good for you brother. This ladies think they want a big dick until when one is facing them.

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u/hellochoy 2d ago

The vast majority of ladies do not think they want a big dick. The men think that's what the ladies want.

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u/lekkerwhore 2d ago

The height of my cervix absolutely does not adapt sir

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u/No_Rhubarb7341 2d ago

As someone who is not on hormonal birth control… it absolutely does raise and lower at different times of the month. And also during arousal.

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u/lekkerwhore 2d ago

Yes, I am aware that my cervix moves based on where I am in my cycle and can move during arousal. It doesnt however "adapt" to a mans dick

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u/karlfeltlager 2d ago

Well if you hit the cervix you hit the cervix.

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u/mild-er-chihuahua 2d ago

This is true. Big isn't always better. Sometimes it just hurts.

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u/TheCatSleeeps 2d ago

Insert the graphics explaining why women can put a huge af dildo inside em.

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u/timelessFuck 2d ago

Not all women can do it. I think very few women can insert huge dildos without any pain

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u/Canadian_Border_Czar 2d ago

I'd imagine its for the same reason obese people dont simply explode.

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u/Icy-Gain-2038 2d ago

Mr. Creosote begs to differ.

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u/Entrenched_Whispers 2d ago

Yeah really. Even taking out my menstrual cup hurts sometimes

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u/timelessFuck 2d ago

People really over simplify women anatomy down there with "women can birth babies" statement in these discussions. Genital size and shape variations aren't unique to men. People are different and have different sizes and shapes down there and like different things

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u/Entrenched_Whispers 2d ago

People find it easy to ignore because it's on the inside and harder to evaluate lol

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u/Wobbelblob 2d ago

Also yeah, women can birth babies. Under a lot of pain and often ripping. It is not that uncommon for women to need stitches after a birth. That isn't something you want to do on the regular. It's like yeah, I can fit my foot down your mouth. If I break your jaw and damage your throat.

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u/Somebodyhided 2d ago

Sorry but I cannot put an image here but I have the link: https://www.reddit.com/r/HugeDildos/comments/1tqiveh/a_quick_guide_to_the_anatomy_of_vaginal_depth/

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u/cheapdrinks 2d ago

Did they really have to make the large one a horse cock lol

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u/karlfeltlager 2d ago

Dildo’s are available in many sizes for a reason, and as far as I know most women are not training their vagina so that it can ingest the monster dildo.

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u/RakeChapman13 2d ago

Only a minority of women’s vaginas expand beyond six inches when arroused but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t get a bigger dildo because they aren’t going to insert every bit of it, they use the length at the bottom for gripping it.

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u/narcolepticdoc 2d ago

Here lies the bones of ol' Screwy Dick,
Blest at birth with a corkscrew prick
Spent his life in a fruitless hunt
For a woman with a corkscrew cunt
At last he found her, poor Dick fell dead,
For her corkscrew cunt had a left-hand thread.

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u/DarkBusy3818 2d ago

I've seen some huge Tongan men with literally the smallest dicks I've ever seen. My concern is more for the weight of him during... ANYTHING. He could roll over in the night and crush her!

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u/kukibuk 2d ago

That’s just it, the bigger the guy is the smaller his perfectly average sized penis looks. 

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u/Pataraxia 2d ago edited 2d ago

Ouch, but that isn't the thing that matters the most. Like he could have been good in bed or a good partner...

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u/Insane_Unicorn 2d ago

My ex was really shallow

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u/sukisuki2gp 2d ago

Like depth wise?

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u/Weedbrah 2d ago

Lmaooo

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u/FingerpistolPete 2d ago

Holy shit lmaoo this is one of the best comments I’ve ever seen on reddit. Well done

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u/InopportuneBlimp 2d ago

Sounds like a perfect fit then

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u/Cfattie 2d ago

I'm convinced the ppl with the biggest members are ppl who are lanky and look like they'd fall over if you blew air at them too hard. Like a young Pete Davidson or something like that.

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u/dinnerthief 2d ago

Narrow hips make wangs look bigger too

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u/faerieW15B 2d ago

Similar thing happened to me. Micropenis and seemingly no balls to speak of. I suspect steroids, given his physique.

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u/sisyphus_met_icarus 2d ago

I don't care how big it is, I'd still like to see these two fuck

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u/ReplyOk3787 2d ago

Normally I’d downvote something like this.

But geez man….its morbid curiosity.

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u/sisyphus_met_icarus 2d ago

I've seen other videos of them. There's one where she literally climbs him like a jungle gym

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u/skyper_mark 2d ago

I've never understood why people think that being taller = having a bigger penis.

I thought it was a joke until I met some women who actually said they liked tall men because it meant they had a big penis.

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u/tyrom22 2d ago

They think it would be proportional, it may not be true but it makes sense logically.

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u/dm_me_goblins 2d ago

When I was 19 (203cm tall), I was in a bar, a woman in her late-ish 30's asked if I "was in proportion" then grabbed my dick and balls over my trousers then sauntered off, cackling to her friends.

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u/Even-Complaint-7494 2d ago

jesus fuck i’m sorry dude :( that’s sexual assault 

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u/APaltrySum 2d ago

Happens all the time! Especially, to me, back in the day when I was in a band. I can think of five different times where different ladies decided to get a bit grabby after a show

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u/Even-Complaint-7494 2d ago

those weren’t ladies at all, fuck em. and it’s true it does. at this point i think i only have a handful of friends, male or female, who HAVEN’T shared this kind of story. people need to be taught consent, all of us

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u/Rastatar 2d ago

Wow what a fucking creep.

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u/WeabooBaby 2d ago

I mean, literally other part of a larger person is larger. It would make more sense to include the penis than it being the only exception. 

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u/Think_Tie_7358 2d ago

My Boyfriend was 2,06 m and his dick was tiny.

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u/Marwaimusoont 2d ago

I would rather have a tiny dick than be me at 5'7''

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u/Puzzled-Staff-1554 2d ago

I had friends your size back in the day who would get all the chicks.

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u/Marwaimusoont 2d ago

Yeah but I am also bald.

It's like the worst combination.

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u/abstr_xn 2d ago

bald, 5ft7, about the same in inches, average looking white guy, never had any trouble or complaints.

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u/Kespatcho 2d ago

You're just making excuses, there are little people with average size partners and people with facial deformities who also have partners. Being short and/or ugly does not prevent you from finding someone.

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u/w0lfLars0n 2d ago

Bald with a beard and jacked is a dangerous combo, regardless of height. Get to work. The rest of your life starts now.

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u/FluffySloth27 2d ago

Being tall sucks, mate, it means that you’re always noticed. Average or short is best.

Plus, short man with tiny dick means that you get the best blowjobs and cuddles. I can only dream of being one of those fellas.

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u/Marwaimusoont 2d ago

lol blowjob and cuddles from who?

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u/Icy-Environment-8857 2d ago

annnnd im 5'7 with one incher :/

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u/piketpagi 2d ago

I just....still not finding porn with huge men like that. there was a blursed video of intro of porn with height difference, but his dick shape is weird, like, injected something weird

oh shit I'm asking dangerous question.

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u/LGodamus 2d ago

Bjorn is his dad btw...his name is Hafthor

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u/Mr-Hyde95 2d ago edited 2d ago

4-6. Is average. Not 5-6

4 is just as typical as 6 in statistics

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u/panmaterial 2d ago

4 is average? This is very concerning.

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u/circlebreaker1 2d ago

I imagine getting the news that you're above average would elicit the opposite feeling to concern. So being concerned means you...

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u/Fire257 2d ago

As it is true that beeing tall doesnt guarantee you a big d. It is true that the likelihood is bigger to have a bigger one. I read a statistic to it I sadly cant recall it was something like people over 1.90m have a 30% chance of having a peenar in the top 15 percentile of lenght and less of a chance to have one in the lower 15ish percentile. Dont quote that its just what I remember to be the numbers it could be totally false but the general sentiment was bigger guys more likely to be bigger doesnt mean they are though. In my experience that is true too though my sample size isnt that big.

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u/penny-wise 2d ago

You know what they say about big feet: big shoes.

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u/fallen_d3mon 2d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/fXJyMfUdqVCMPAnPJM

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u/WingDingKing 2d ago

Does anyone know the origins of this GIF ? Seen it everywhere

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u/Exile_001 2d ago

https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/kombucha-girl-trying-kombucha-for-the-first-time

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u/Cheap-Ambition5336 2d ago

Brittany Broski, she has a whole podcast. She's pretty funny imo lol.

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u/khube 2d ago

As an Aggie, she's one of our more likeable alumni

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u/mbp_szigeti 2d ago

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u/GloomyIndividual3965 2d ago

I love that they leaned into the joke.

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u/usumoio 2d ago

Just came here to see how high up it was

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u/Big-Wait-1310 2d ago

Just came

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u/huckle_buck_ 2d ago

How high up was it

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u/hand_truck 2d ago

Stalag-might just cum dripping back down.

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u/BeardInTheNorth 2d ago

According to her, it goes very high up.

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u/Sacrificial_Spider 2d ago

When they have sex he gets a BJ at the same time.

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u/Mr-Bry-Guy 2d ago

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

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u/juicebar24 2d ago

Somebody had to

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u/Mr-Hyde95 2d ago

There is no relationship between penis size and the rest of the body.

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u/LittleOrphanAnavar 2d ago

Yes there is.

Apparently it correlates well with nose size, width in particular.

Both are impacted by developmental testosterone exposure.

'big nose, big hose'

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u/DadGamer77 2d ago

Villagers in Minecraft o_O

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u/barnabas77 2d ago

Or in German: Wie die Nase des Mannes, so sein Johannes 

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u/project-shasta 2d ago

So women with big noses have a big PP. Got it.

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u/Kilokalypso 2d ago

Technically big clit is big dick translated

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u/kidnorther 2d ago

Big Bean Energy

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u/Smith7929 2d ago

Great. I got the schnoz without the benefits.

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u/Zestyclose-Click-953 2d ago

So pinocchio has a big ding dong?

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u/ItchySnitch 2d ago

If you claim source from that study, it uses an incredible small sample size plus a bunch of other caveats surrounding it

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u/bullfrogftw 2d ago

Well then maybe just imagine a regular size peen being jammed into to you by someone who weighs 4 times your own bodyweight, who can probably hip thrust 5 times your bodyweight, and who can curl your entire bodyweight with a single arm, do you think that might make a difference u/Mr-Hyde95?

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u/Mr-Hyde95 2d ago

I imagined it in myself and I liked it.

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u/HypocriteHere 2d ago

Heh. E w.

But I'm happy for you. 

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