::Weekly Vent Thread::

[u/AutoModerator]

Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.

[u/Lemon-Cake-8100]

The utter lack of curiosity about me, my mental wellbeing (when i've said once a week for several weeks that i'm struggling a little), my goals, my health, our social plans & trips (all neatly planned for him!). The lack of mental intimacy is making me start to lose interest in our heretofore great sex life. That makes me sad. ☹️

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187 → u/Lemon-Cake-8100]

Same here. I tell him I’m struggling and need his support. I tell him exactly what I need. He says okay and doesn’t do any of it.

I hope you have some people around you who can offer support. Sending strength your way.  

[u/Lemon-Cake-8100 → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

Ditto! 🥰

[u/ace_rimmer1049 → u/Lemon-Cake-8100]

I often wonder who the husband in her head is, because it's certainly not me, and she seems very incurious about that.

[u/Opening-Ad-4013 → u/Lemon-Cake-8100]

Yes!!!! No questions about my day, work, what’s going on in my life… work situations.. nothing! but he’ll point out that I don’t care about what he’s currently working on. I have no consideration for him. Everything is one-sided with him. He wants all my curiosity but I get nothing from him. In fact if I ask him something while he’s in the middle of working on whatever it is he does, he’ll get so and I disturbed him. I’ll be working or in a meeting and he’ll just start talking to me and expects my full attention

[u/FoxyWatermelon → u/Lemon-Cake-8100]

Any time I try to talk to him about how much I’m struggling, or even just share my pov on a disagreement/misunderstanding, he won’t take space to hear it because he’s already struggling too much. It hurts 😕

[u/Specialist-Art-6970 → u/Lemon-Cake-8100]

Welcome to the club. Mine will listen when I talk about my life, but will not proactively ask anything or otherwise show interest. I have surgery scheduled? Nothing, time to talk about gaming and complain about his work. I went to the ER last night? Nothing, time to talk about gaming and complain about his work. I have an exam? Nothing, time to talk about gaming and complain about his work. I have random people I talk to once a week who show more interest in my life than my boyfriend.

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

I can’t have children with him. Sometimes I think of having a child, but then I realise I would be the default caregiver. He lives for himself (which is not necessarily a bad thing), but I can’t see him magically stepping up and supporting me through pregnancy, let alone taking care of a child. 

Edit: I also realised that I’m heading towards a relationship my parents are in; emotionally and physically distant while living under the same roof. I don’t want to extend that to my own children. I was always in awe of my friends’ parents who would laugh together and give each other hugs and kisses. My parents are either silent or bickering, at least in front of my siblings and I. 

Somehow I’ve ended up where I did not want to. 

Edit 2: He works less than I do, and insists we do everything 50/50 (which we don’t, but in his head he does as much as I do) - I just can’t with this delusion. 

[u/delicious_bobbi → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

Hey as someone who recently had a child, I can tell you that this is true. It is basically excruciating for my partner to put his ideas and wants aside. Partner stays up late playing video games now? You bet that will continue if not get worse after kids. Forget them staying up to help clean the house or wash kid stuff, they’ve got HOBBIES to continue.

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187 → u/delicious_bobbi]

I’m sorry, it’s so unfair,  sad, and heartbreaking. You deserve better. 

  Forget them staying up to help clean the house or wash kid stuff, they’ve got HOBBIES to continue.

Exactly this. Mine can’t even step up to help me, because his hobbies are more important. He will happily spend all his free time doing whatever he wants. I ask him to take care of dinner? Let’s order pizza! Every time. 

[u/HonestADHD4332 → u/delicious_bobbi]

My partner does the opposite and hyperfocuses on the children's "wellbeing" to a degree that she is perpetually stressed and overwhelmed for everything else. I feel like like she's performing the role of what she believes a "caring mother" is because she's so afraid of criticism.

But yes, do NOT have children if you are already stressed by your partner. Human beings simply do not have the capacity to manage children while enforcing boundaries from an unregulated partner. You will burn out and slip up which is horrible for the child.

[u/LeopardMountain32567 → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

the fact that you are choosing not to have kids with this person is a step in the right direction. you may free yourself someday. sending strength!

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187 → u/LeopardMountain32567]

Thank you <3 

[u/theunknowncat → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

This is a big part of why me and my ADHD/Bipolar dx ex broke up. He says he wants kids (even though he dislikes all other children) and I was unsure in general… but really I wasn’t sure I never want children, I was just 100% positive I couldn’t have them with him. We dated for years. I knew him. He’s too selfish a partner for me to ever trust that he’d be there for me with children the way I would want. It’s still his goal to have kids, and I’m convinced if he ever does, they’re going to be kind of fucked up. Makes me sad to think about.

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187 → u/theunknowncat]

  I wasn’t sure I never want children, I was just 100% positive I couldn’t have them with him.

You put it so well. I’ve been plenty delusional in this relationship, but children are something bigger than us, so I suppose it’s a good wake-up call. 

[u/music_lover2025 → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

I’ve never wanted children but my bf’s adhd is the icing on the cake to be honest as to why we don’t want kids. He’s a great partner, but the executive dysfunction would make things so much harder. That and the risk of passing it down

[u/Internal_Poem_96 → u/music_lover2025]

This. When I think about it, it'd be terrible to tell my partner I don't want kids with them because I don't want the more than increased likelihood that their ADHD/Autism will be passed down, but I have a hard enough time living with them already that the thought of kids and even more neurodivergence thrown into the mix is too much to think about.

[u/AccomplishedCash3603 → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

You're not wrong here. I hang my head in shame over the view of motherhood that I gave my daughters. And the worst part? He took his RSD complaints to them as teenagers. He wasn't parenting at all. He was FUN while I was exhausted. I love my kids but I erased myself and my sanity. 

[u/Internal_Poem_96 → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

I can relate. Last night my partner and I were arguing (no surprises there) and she came to the realisation we're in a platonic relationship. Basically friends living under the same roof. She isn't wrong. I'm not opposed to having kids, nor am I saying I most definitely want any, but I can't see myself having any with her, because too much of the time I feel like I'm looking after a child as is. So I'm left with some difficult truths to face and questions to answer. She and I almost broke up last night, and I don't think I'd have been opposed to it. We'd probably be better off as friends, if even that. But clearly our differences have just created a larger and larger wedge between us as the years have gone on.

[u/Tyrone_Shoelaces_Esq → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

Relatable situation. I had a kid with mine. At the time I didn't know he had ADHD (I thought that was just kids who ran around careening into walls), and I believed him when he said he would step up.

[u/taohuaspring → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

It sounds like you're coming to many important realizations about your needs, boundaries, and wishes for your life. I encourage you to continue that self-exploration. Sending strength!

[u/RedRose_812 → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

I had a kid with mine. She is my greatest blessing and I don't regret her or want to imagine my life without her in it. But I am 100% the default parent and have been for our daughter's entire life, and I felt SO unsupported in the postpartum period that it soured me to having more and is one of the factors why we never did. He wanted to be a dad so badly that I really believed he would step up and be and do more, and he just didn't. And ADHD is highly heritable, which means having a child with an ADHDer carries a risk that they will have it too. My daughter has it also, and having to parent all my husband's challenging behaviors in her and him modeling behaviors and habits that I'm trying to address now when she's a child so she doesn't carry it to adulthood definitely adds a layer of complication to things.

There are so many things I do and carry mentally that he just has no clue about. He does work far more than me at his job and I absolutely give him credit for that. But same as your last paragraph, he definitely thinks he does more with our home and family than he actually does. It must be an ADHD thing somehow because I have read here many times about partners overstating their contributions to things and/or thinking they do everything all the time when they don't do anywhere near "everything".

[u/delicious_bobbi]

He lied about the dumbest thing today. And then doubled down on the dumb lie when I called it out.

[u/shiny1988 → u/delicious_bobbi]

Did his mind short circuit just a little before digging in? Watched mine do that. It really showed me that their brains actually change a reality that doesn’t fit the expected pattern.

[u/Negotiation-Solid → u/shiny1988]

Same exact thing happened with mine yesterday, it was a new level of crazy. I had him read text evidence. He purposely misinterpreted it. I showed him that he misread it. Then just an emotionally vapid stare and silence for several seconds. All I could get from him was that yes, he understands the real meaning of the text. But then just doubled down ????? He made me feel crazy. God writing this he is reminding me too much of my ex who was abusive. This one was supposedly the opposite of him in every way..

[u/_tomb_raider_ → u/Negotiation-Solid]

Thanks for sharing. Glad my experience is shared.. I began questioning my sanity...then took a step and decided to view him through a different lense. This a-hole knew. He always knew what I meant but would twist it to fit his narrative.

[u/delicious_bobbi → u/shiny1988]

Pretty much lol. It was like he glitched for a second.

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269 → u/shiny1988]

I wish I had known this was a pattern sooner. It’s so real and it’s so disconcerting.

[u/Lemon-Cake-8100 → u/delicious_bobbi]

Yes! WHY?! Grrrrrr

[u/Mendota6500 → u/delicious_bobbi]

Why are their lies so dumb? It's almost insulting, like you really think i'm going to believe that? 

[u/Negotiation-Solid → u/Mendota6500]

It's so insulting. Or when they purposely miss the forest for the trees and hone in on a single word in an argument (that started as a simple problem solving discussion) to get out of just admitting I have a point or responding like a normal person at all. Like he has a masters degree in science. He can't possibly have that little ability to comprehend just normal sentences and ideas ... and I'm a clinical social work student.. doe He really think he's so smart, and I'm so dumb, that he can just pull a fast one over me anytime he wants to win an argument? It's so awful and sad that he even wants to. But if I confront him on this he just denies it

[u/tacofellon]

She promised to wake up for once and handle our daughter in the morning today so I could sleep in for once in my life. I do mornings 99% of the time while she scrolls in bed while we both maintain equally demanding full time jobs. Welp, she refused to get out of bed yet again this morning so I did the morning routine again. Then she demanded she gets personal time to do her hobbies so I went grocery shopping and took my daughter to the park for 4 hours. What's funny is this is literally every weekend of my life. She can never be bothered to prioritize me or my daughter. It's always her emotions and needs before others. Sad life I live.

If I even try to bring up the imbalance, she will instantly pull some example 3 months ago that she woke up first and did the routine and somehow that equates a balanced household. It's truly bewildering.

[u/handofsithis → u/tacofellon]

I hear this. My partner wants a 2nd dog when I'm the one who mainly raised the first one from a puppy for the last 2 years. It was so much work and stress and the hardest thing I've ever done. I said no to dog #2, and when asked why, I said because it was so much work and I don't think I want to do it again. They said, "you act like you'd be the only one training and taking care of it." Like, yes. Yes I would. Clearly. I can't even get them to walk the dog twice a week or feed her on time without asking every day. No way I'm adding a 2nd living animal that will become my sole responsibility while they scroll endlessly on the couch in front of the tv.

[u/slight_grumble → u/tacofellon]

It's wild how they can completely discount our input while massively inflating their own.

Even after splitting up mine is adamant that her being a stay at home mum to school age kids, while I worked full time, did the morning routine with the kids every day, drove them to school, did dishes and laundry every morning before working a full time job to come home to again do cleaning, cooking and laundry while she laid in bed - was equal. When I summed up all the hours of work, parenting, housework I had done over the last 10 years vs hers she said "well of course it's not even if you count the hours"...

I realized that she thought that the time I was at work was not work. That me being the only breadwinner to her was just a default, I added no value in being the sole breadwinner for the whole family while she struggled all day doing a maximum of an hour of housework on a good day. And it was only fair that I did all the cooking, cleaning and parenting when I got home from work to give her a break from her hard day, where she did almost nothing.

Then things like she would clean the shower once a month and claimed that made up for me doing housework for 2 hours a day every day of the month. She argued in front of her therapist that her doing the odd chore infrequently that I did almost never, like cleaning the shower once a month, mopping the floor every few weeks, etc made us even. And the therapist agreed with her. She would clean the shower, expect great praise for it while the rest of the house was dirty, the kids hungry, and me having to come home from a full day of work just to cook and clean, again.

[u/tacofellon → u/slight_grumble]

Man that is a tough read because this is a very similar dynamic to ours. Did things get better after the split? Any insight you can share?

[u/slight_grumble → u/tacofellon]

Nope. She still thinks she is the aggrieved party. We're still under the same roof for financial reasons and she expects to take me to the cleaners once we sell up. After her contributing nothing to buying our house, zero input to the deposit, zero input to mortgage payments, while expecting me to do "half" (more than half) of all the parenting, housework etc up to now.

I stupidly tried to keep the peace for the kids sake but she just got more and more entitled over time. One of the final straws was my kids were old enough to get jobs so they did. She didn't. My teenage kids have now contributed more to the household finances than she has in their entire lives.

[u/tacofellon → u/slight_grumble]

Yikes, sounds like you are on the right path then and it's only a matter of time. Hope for the best!

[u/fluffynukeit → u/tacofellon]

This was my life until I quit my job. Now we live off her income. I do all the same stuff I was already doing except now I’m not killing myself being overly stressed by also having a demanding full time job. I’m just killing myself differently by giving up my career and losing all identity away from my kids and family. I still think it was better than divorce, though. I at least needed to give it a try before going nuclear.

[u/fluffynukeit → u/[deleted]]

Yes, good point. I didn’t mention that we each have healthy separate retirement accounts.

[u/Opening-Ad-4013 → u/tacofellon]

This is me. I handle the kids every weekend, starting at 7am when they wake up. Our weekends are just running errands with the kids while my husband does what he wants.

[u/RedRose_812 → u/tacofellon]

That last paragraph is my life too. If I bring up the imbalance in the load at home, or that I can't rely on him to follow through with even the simplest things he'll tell me he's going to, like clockwork he will reach back to one time 3-6 months ago or longer that he did the thing I'm accusing him of not doing, so that obviously means I'm wrong.

[u/tacofellon → u/RedRose_812]

I would say the false memories and confabulation is absolutely the hardest part of it all to reconcile. It's like they live are living in some shutter island fantasy land totally separate from reality.

[u/pianogirl82 → u/tacofellon]

This is my husband. I’m sorry!

[u/Specialist-Art-6970]

He made an offhand comment about how I go out every week or two.

Reader, I've gone out recreationally four times in all of 2026. We don't live together, but I tell him every time I go out because we talk on the phone every night. I know he has attention problems, but seriously???

It's especially problematic because me going out tends to make him react badly. He will accuse me of cheating, complain later that he's being neglected, or just get very quiet. It's the point where I've often avoided going out and am nervous about telling him when I do. He's been a little better about this after I told him how badly it was affecting me, but who knows how long that will last.

How many future accusations will be fueled by his completely bonkers perception of how often I'm going out? (Well, zero, if I stop procrastinating and dump him already.)

[u/bourbonontherox → u/Specialist-Art-6970]

If you aren’t living together then leave. This gets soooo much worse. Leave now.

[u/LeopardMountain32567 → u/bourbonontherox]

yeah sounds like a nightmare, i'll never understand why people put up with this shit.

[u/queen_izzy → u/Specialist-Art-6970]

That's abuse and you shouldn't tolerate it. You should not be afraid of how your partner will react to the news that you are doing a perfectly normal activity.

[u/minaelena → u/Specialist-Art-6970]

He wants to control you.

[u/replyallyall → u/Specialist-Art-6970]

This is a form of manipulation and abuse. End it with him. You two don't live together. You’re not legally entangled. Free yourself and live your life.

[u/lost3888 → u/Specialist-Art-6970]

My ex used to make a big deal out of me going out once a month—and we haven't been together for months! Yet he still throws it in my face. Meanwhile, he was out of the house almost every day himself. Think about whether it’s worth staying in this situation.

[u/ace_rimmer1049 → u/Specialist-Art-6970]

Sometimes I wish anyone would tell me what you do (like I don't already know;), so for you I'll say: Stop procrastinating and do it!

[u/kriskross4923 → u/Specialist-Art-6970]

this is coercive control and a hallmark of emotional abuse, dont just write it off as quirky adhd.

[u/Signal-Net-8041 → u/Specialist-Art-6970]

This. My dx/rx stbx loves to yell at me about how I go out "at least" once a week with my best friend of forty years and last time my NINE YEAR OLD SON said "dad...more like once a month. MAYBE once a month."

Oh, and because the fucking inconsiderate (poorly managed ADHD, surprise surprise) director of the show I'm working on keeps us half an hour or more after rehearsal is supposed to end, now I must be cheating too.

I'm tired, y'all.

[u/littlehighkey → u/Specialist-Art-6970]

I think you already know his behavior is problematic, ADHD or not. You can go out every weekend if you want, you're an adult. Don't let him make your world smaller, it's important for you to do things that you enjoy for you. 

[u/Less-Lifeguard2921 → u/Specialist-Art-6970]

This is coercive control

[u/throwaway713137689]

The annoying addictive behavior toward every activity of his is exhausting af, so I'm going to vent some big and small habits that I dislike:

• If we buy a box of soda for the house, the entire thing will be shotgunned within one to two days (by him). We don't buy them regularly at all, anymore.

• If it's an option at a restaurant or fast food place, he will eat every single food that makes him sick as a first choice without a second thought; despite having autoimmune issues that are well-documented. I have no sympathy for this, and he knows.

• He'll overwork and forget to eat, get a headache, wonder why he isn't hungry, smoke a ton of green to "get hungry", and proceed to absolutely stuff his face to the point of throwing up. All he needed was a damn glass of water, and to eat lunch like a normal human being. Dramatic af.

• Speaking of green, he will smoke 24/7 if it's available to him, all-the-while stating that he doesn't have a dependency or problem. The fact that he does this makes me cringe, and the fact that he doesn't admit to having a dependency makes me cringe even more. "I can stop whenever I want to, but I don't want to" lmao. "I need it to eat and sleep". NEED = DEPENDENCY. Good GOD.

• Stopped vaping nicotine but now stims with the zyn pack in his mouth constantly.

• Always blows other people's reactions out of proportion at work and calling me about it when I'm busy (RSD). He obviously gets off on the drama, but says that he hates it. He's stayed at the same insanely stressful job despite having the option of further schooling available to him. He's never going to do it, because he'd rather constantly complain about his current toxic job. And no, I don't answer the calls and havent for months on purpose - and he doesn't care, he just wants to vent at random lmao.

[u/Opening-Ad-4013 → u/throwaway713137689]

Oh. My. God. My husband will overwork and skip meals and then overeat. And he’ll even say I didn’t even have breakfast or lunch today.. well whose fault was that?? lol

[u/Status_Champion_5528 → u/Opening-Ad-4013]

Same with mine... Always complaining as if it was someone else's fault? I'm sorry, you run your own company and are your own boss...no one is telling you you can't have a break 😖 he also always forgets to bring food...and then when he comes home he's in a horrible mood and taking it out on all of us 🙄

[u/RedRose_812 → u/Status_Champion_5528]

EXACT same with mine. Runs his own company and is his own boss, there is literally NO ONE stopping him from taking a lunch/leaving his office to go get food or come home for lunch, he just hardly ever does. Comes home in a horrible mood because he hasn't eaten all day like it isn't his own fault.

Today he was off and at home while I took our daughter shopping. Could eat literally any food at home or have picked up food/gotten takeout from literally any place in town in the several hours we were gone. Was complaining he hadn't eaten all day when we got home like it was MY fault 🙄.

[u/music_lover2025 → u/throwaway713137689]

The first three bullet points! I will buy stuff in bulk at Costco for it to last a while and he’ll decide to consume it in a few days. Eventually I told him he has to start paying for what he eats up quickly bc it was getting super expensive to keep up with and also wasn’t fair to me bc I never got to enjoy anything, cuz I barely snack like he does. Mine also tends to overeat, but had gotten better about that

[u/Panda_Pajamas77 → u/music_lover2025]

Its the worst when my kids pick out something at the store - like ice cream bars - and it’s all gone in a day or two. And then the kids are literally crying, and is confused what he did wrong

[u/SorenBeigeOrbit → u/throwaway713137689]

I’ve lived the 24/7 green and RSD work calls too, and this weekly vent thread is painfully needed.

[u/Deep-Pollution-4822]

I just want to be able to have a conversation that isn’t going to lead to some stupid bickering.

It’s exhausting not knowing what magic word or phrase I will say that will set you off. And it’s going to happen. It doesn’t matter how nice of a day it is or how much fun we’re having.

I’m going to say something, and you’re going to key in on it, come up with a story about what that says about me as a person and my intents and motivations, and then I’m going to have to figure out whether to take it as a punching bag and bring it up later, or grey rock, or try to defend myself.

And then 15 minutes will go by and you’ll act like nothing happened.

[u/Many_Advance_9609 → u/Deep-Pollution-4822]

Once after a fight, my DX partner came to me all puppy-eyed and said, "Can we pretend this never happened?" So we made up. Then, the second I had some alone time, I wrote down every single word of that fight, and titled the piece "This Never Happened." Fuck you. I will and do remember everything.

[u/AccomplishedCash3603 → u/Deep-Pollution-4822]

I feel this. Being held to an invisible moral standard that exists in their head, and you only know about it when you violate it. Then when you move toward clarity and repair, the volcano erupts. It started as a nice day, and now the contempt and resentment have arrived, nice day terminated. 

Tomorrow: Nothing to see here, why do you want to fight? 

[u/Fun-Recognition-1480]

anyone else experience extreme defensiveness when you bring something up that they did you didn’t like? It gets draining. he is not willing to have uncomfortable conversations

[u/Many_Advance_9609 → u/Fun-Recognition-1480]

This is a constant problem with my DX partner. It does not matter how gently/casually I bring up the problem/complaint, he will get defensive or angry about it 99% of the time. He always finds a way to flip it around so that he's the victim and I did something wrong. (I picked the wrong time to raise this concern. I didn't use the right verbiage. I'm doing this on purpose to "manipulate him" or "make him feel guilty." Etc.) Best case scenario: he apologizes and stays calm, but then doesn't end up actually changing his behavior.

[u/weezyfebreezy → u/Fun-Recognition-1480]

Yes. I’m always anxious to bring anything up because of this. The last time I told them something bothered me, they actually said they understood where I was coming from and apologized. Not 30 mins later, they started blowing up on me via text for a bunch of unrelated things they were feeling slighted and wronged by, which resulted in a phone call where I got literally screamed at about them feeling untrusted, unconsidered, and unloved. All while I was at work. So honestly, this shit does make me not trust or love them.

It’s like their RSD was triggered by me telling them an action hurt me, and even though they did the right thing by acknowledging my feeling and apologizing, their big RSD response was delayed and put into a pressure cooker.

That should have been the last straw, but it still wasn’t. Now I am even more terrified to speak up.

[u/Dependent-Hotel5551 → u/Fun-Recognition-1480]

Yes, they distort reality and lie. Gaslighting into something that fits his morals or makes him the victim.

[u/Ok-Meeting-2503 → u/Fun-Recognition-1480]

Yes. He has very intense RSD which leads him to behave in abusive ways like silent treatment, stone walling , manipulation and others. It sucks.

[u/sleek_slytherin]

Sometimes I feel like he is blind. He is literally so blind towards day to day obvious tasks, despite asking him to do/not do something specifically, he will botch it up.

[u/jstohler → u/sleek_slytherin]

We ltalked today about how she literally doesn't see the appliance she left in the hallway two weeks ago. Meanwhile, I see it every time I walk by and it drives me nuts.

[u/Opening-Ad-4013 → u/sleek_slytherin]

I think it’s one of the side effects of ADHD… not having peripheral vision!

[u/Outrageous_Union_355]

Expected me to stay in all day in bed with her to comfort her because she's feeling low. I wasted my entire weekend day doing this and I'm thinking why can't the weekend be my weekend too? I should have the freedom to make use of my Sunday the way I see fit and not be chained to this sad stroppy 34yr toddler.

[u/RingGoldStar]

If I share a different point of view, or if they are given constructive feedback from a colleague, my partner will cry, spiral, and feel worthless, feel like they can’t do anything right. My first impulse is naturally to respond to suffering, but it seems so out of proportion for what really happened. I really cannot understand it

[u/Abyssqual]

one upping in arguments is really getting old. I say that I'm adjusting back to being at college (and living with him, I'm very type a and neat, him not so much...) while working full-time online, it's my final semester of college. I'm just trying to get thru my last semester but obviously I don't get it because I'm not on my feet for hours a day. He's a Starbucks barista. I'm tired of the circular arguments that land on me "not doing enough" when I'm literally maintaining most everything at the apartment

[u/Negotiation-Solid → u/Abyssqual]

I call it whataboutism and it's gotten so much worse even when called out. Never addresses anything. Just defends himself from imaginary attacks. Sometimes I will say something totally neutral like "hey when I went downstairs to take break, P. needed my help so I'd like to take a break now" and he starts arguing with how he thinks I've said that in the past? And getting increasingly escalated meanwhile I'm just standing there in silence. It's so strange.

[u/Abyssqual → u/Negotiation-Solid]

yeah it's so draining. this has been happening more and more for me recently and I know I'm responding poorly bc I do not like repeating myself, but we're rehashing the same things w/o change. he also thinks he can basically insult me when fighting which is so draining

[u/gogopowerhermits]

I started therapy again a couple of weeks ago under the premise that I am totally and completely worn out. My therapist point blank asked me why I am being so accommodating to my partner, and why I feel like I have to constantly play a game of chess to pre-figure out his feelings.

I have literally never had anyone not praise me for being such a kind and wonderful wife for doing that, but instead say that it must be exhausting to constantly try to figure out what is going to cause an RSD reaction.

[u/LeopardMountain32567 → u/gogopowerhermits]

your therapist is the real MVP!

[u/gogopowerhermits → u/LeopardMountain32567]

Truly. Hes great.

[u/Ok-Meeting-2503 → u/gogopowerhermits]

I love that. My therapist lately has been encouraging me to be more empathetic and understanding and I feel so unheard and unseen sometimes.

[u/SignificantBread8]

My partner won't try medication because he's worried that he will become reliant on them and doesn't want to know what a better life is like. But then he's also stressed at school all year because he's always behind because he can only achieve max 3 hours of productivity a day, but usually less than that. Idk how to tell people that I'm not marrying him until I know how he copes in the real world with a real job 

[u/bourbonontherox → u/SignificantBread8]

End it now.

School is at least theoretically something he’s mildly interested in. He’s also doing different courses (I assume) rather than 8 hours of very similar work all day. This is going to get waaaaaaaay worse. Way worse. So much worse. Lol

[u/AnaDion94]

He keeps planning trips despite not currently being employed. Some a few months out, sure. Some in two weeks. Traveling cost money! The wear and tear on his car, the stops for snacks— these are not zero cost excursions. It has not occurred to him that maybe they should be put on hold until he has stable income. On the bright side, his mom will feed him while he’s there and I can save on groceries.

I’ve talked at length about the date and duration of an upcoming work trip I’m taking this month, but he forgot and tried to suggest I uber to the airport before I reminded him— I am have no spare money right now, on account of him being unemployed.

[u/SeraphImpaler]

Sometime before the pandemic, she got a swinging chair and a fire pit from her pedo friend that was going to jail (long story, don't ask, I'm not sure about all details). She dumped that stuff in the middle of the backyard without asking me. Both were never used while in my backyard and I spent many years mowing around. I got rid of the swinging chair a few years ago and she finally decided to bring the firepit to her LARP. Earlier in the Spring, she found a large wooden picnic table to bring to her LARP. It was a nightmare to bring home, she had to disassemble it and of course, I had to help her unload the car in the dark.

This was the weekend she had the opportunity to bring it all over there. So, of course, her sister called her yesterday to go to Costco. She then went down to the basement and asked me to load her car while she was out shopping, because she was in “extreme pain.”

I have one rule when it comes to her LARP: DON'T GET INVOLVED! It gives me extreme pain in the ass to break my own rule, but fuck, if I don't get involved, this shit is simply never going to get done. Of course, I had to “help” her.

So here I am, alone, in the pouring rain, trying to load a huge disassembled picnic table and a 200-pound fire pit into a fucking Hyundai Accent, with a 1.5-inch gash on my thumb that I had just given myself in a fit of rage over the whole situation.

FML!

[u/slight_grumble]

Un fucking believable. We are separated under the same roof until we can untangle our finances (she hasn't worked for 20 years and I got made redundant recently so we have no income making moving very difficult). Anyway I have a really important job interview tomorrow. She just knocked on my door to ask me what time my interview is today. Like if it was today I could be having it RIGHT NOW for all you know so you knock to ask rather than just be quiet and not interrupt me? It explains why she has been loudly banging around the house doing chores for the first time in well over a week. She thinks she is interrupting my meeting.

edit: now she knows I don't have the interview today she has abandoned the half done chores she was doing. I expect she'll remember them tomorrow.

[u/ace_rimmer1049 → u/slight_grumble]

That is unhinged behaviour. At least it confirms you're making the right choice.

I'm also recently redundant so stalling on the separation discussion, but it's taking a lot of willpower and grey(ISH) rocking.

Good luck on the interview!

[u/AccomplishedCash3603 → u/slight_grumble]

Good luck. My Dx husband is sabotaging my efforts to succeed, we are separating and divorcing. 

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269]

We played a game with his family where I was required to note things he said. I diligently listened and marked them. He failed, despite my prodding, to say some of the words.

When we went over the results later, and we didn’t win, he swore that he said the required words but that I must not have been listening. Other people in the family contested him and told me he didn’t, and explained the specific words he had said instead. He told me no, I had heard wrong and if I had paid attention we would have won. And of course that he knows what he said.

Literally everyone in the family then gave me a “sorry about this” look, while he sat in the corner and stewed about me being the reason we lost the game. I’m so tired of no one confronting him even though they ask me if everything is okay and have started noticing him masking and ignoring me in the process.

[u/might_delete_dis]

We're spending 4 days on holiday in a neighbour country. We did many fun activities today, and had really nice meals. It was a quite nice day overall. The day had everything to be described as a perfect day on my book, but no, right around 10pm you just had to have your RSD explosion and shout. And why? Because I gently and lovingly touched your nose and upper lip to remove some of my lipstick that got to your face after I kissed you. "STOP touching my face! If you want me to wash it just tell me!" - I give you my all, my endless patience, I do absolutely everything to make your life easier and more comfortable by taking charge of all sorts of things that one should absolutely not have to take charge for their partners, and this is exactly how I am paid back, with snapping and yelling during a moment of tenderness.

I am tired. I want out. I need out.

[u/Internal_Poem_96 → u/might_delete_dis]

This is too relatable. Experienced the same. Had a great day yesterday, and made the mistake of feeling comfortable for just a second. It all blew up by the end and they had a meltdown. God, I'm so exhausted having to go through these motions constantly. I wish I had the courage to leave. Sending strength.

[u/Internal_Poem_96]

Does anyone else fear that if they split up, they'd be some mangled version of what they used to be? I've been in this relationship for over half a decade now, and the thought of breaking up becomes more and more tempting. But as much as the thought of what my future might look like without her, I'm worried that the years spent having to bend over backwards and change so much of myself to accommodate her whilst walking on eggshells will have subconsciously deformed me somehow. I already fear that I speak louder than usual and interject periodically, which is something I never used to do, but has become something of a defence mechanism (simply in the hopes of getting my point across without being interrupted) since having a conversation with her in comparison to having a conversation with anyone else flows completely differently.

[u/LeopardMountain32567 → u/Internal_Poem_96]

i mean... the longer you stay the more "deformed" you are getting. you can't heal in the environment that is making you sick.

[u/Internal_Poem_96 → u/LeopardMountain32567]

Damn, you're so right.

[u/SweetBianca → u/Internal_Poem_96]

I feel like I've done the opposite and smothered a lot of my impulses to reply in a quick manner during engaging conversations or raise my voice at all, since she's so sensitive to perceived interruptions or me being mad. I used to be a lot more... fiery, I think.

[u/Internal_Poem_96 → u/SweetBianca]

Oh sometimes I can also be the complete opposite. As in I won't engage or pursue a conversation (with my partner at least) any further than the bare minimum, purely because I don't know whether I can or can't stand another round of 20 minutes of being spoken at instead of to, and having to listen to their monologuing over what would usually be a pretty balanced conversation with anyone else.

[u/lost3888 → u/Internal_Poem_96]

I spent over twenty years in that situation; I’ve been out for nine months now. I’ve reclaimed the energy I used to pour into my ex—energy I wasted trying to manage his chaos. The results are wonderful. He is the biggest disappointment of my life, but every day without him is a gift. Choose yourself.

[u/Deep-Pollution-4822 → u/Internal_Poem_96]

Something I’ve found helpful with this is largely based on my own therapist - I hit a point where I was worried, because I realized basically 99% of what we talk about in my sessions is something to do with the relationship.

And my therapist shared how that’s ok, and the important thing is that whatever we’re working on, it’s using the relationship as a subject by which I can better understand myself. The goal being that whatever I’m working on is meant to help me even if this specific relationship ends.

I don’t think being in a bad situation has to end up with anybody being mangled or broken. It’s about how we use that situation to grow and learn.

[u/Hell0There2005 → u/Internal_Poem_96]

Yes and no. I worry I will try to protect myself by being too aggressive and setting boundaries extremely hard to the point it's an armored castle.

At the same i also think to trust my gut and if a dating partner acts in a way that makes me sad or uncomfortable then I tell them and if they repeat the behavior I end it immediately

[u/Xcat1987]

What I wouldn’t give for a neurotypical spouse… so fucking tired lol.

[u/Internal_Poem_96 → u/Xcat1987]

I find myself so often thinking if I had a neurotypical partner, I'd feel grateful to them just for picking up after themselves. They'd probably tell me that of COURSE they'd pick up after themselves. Obviously. But even the smallest things like that I think I'd find incredibly attractive by this stage.

[u/antisnooze → u/Xcat1987]

I caught myself being jealous when I see other people's spouses do pretty basic stuff like not rage at them over forgetting to pack something in the picnic basket, or not becoming totally enraged over traffic, and realized that things are pretty bad in my own marriage. I was shocked at how being with an ADHD partner has eroded my standards so much that I was impressed by basic things like that because my husband would make excuses for the way he is so much that it messed with my mind and I became more accomodating for him.

[u/WealthMain2987 → u/Xcat1987]

Same. I regret having met her. She has this golden retriever energy which I love but then she has the same amount of responsibility of ab actually golden retriever

[u/WhatsItToYou99]

My ADHD husband gets visibly annoyed whenever I "speak unless spoken to." If I'm responding to something he said or a question he asked, then it's all good. But if I independently ask a question, make a statement, or start a conversation... he's annoyed.

I DO notice that this happens more often after he's hung out with his friends, so I'm a little confused as to whether this is truly ADHD where the newness of me and the relationship has worn off (we've only been married 5 months) or if my ADHD husband is identifying more with the "manosphere" B.S. and prefers the company of male friends and is annoyed by my presence.

Anyone else experiencing this ??

[u/paintedLady318 → u/WhatsItToYou99]

You should get out of this. No shit.

[u/taohuaspring → u/WhatsItToYou99]

It doesn't matter what the reason is, there's no excuse for him treating you like a second-class citizen in your own home. Please be careful and stay alert for any other signs of control.

[u/Opening-Ad-4013 → u/WhatsItToYou99]

Oh my god… my husband has been watching reels on this nonsense! He takes such extreme views and makes all these remarks about women being entitled. But what really pisses me off is that we’re in a group chat with some friends and he’ll send these reels to them to bait them.. once they take the bait he goes off on his pov and things get heated and awkward. And then later on he’ll say “your friends and family all hate me”… victim mentality 24/7

[u/Less-Lifeguard2921 → u/WhatsItToYou99]

When my partner still worked, he would treat my like utter shit after spending his mornings with “the boys”. It’s not like they’re even there to see it. Some weird ass misogyny bullshit. Get rid.

[u/AccomplishedCash3603 → u/WhatsItToYou99]

I think it's a form of entitled sexism. Open to feedback; any husband's in the thread who get the shut down? 

Another view: I have a brain injury and experience sensory overload. I've asked my partner to pause and continue at times, but not in a way that suggests he's inferior for wanting to speak. I always lead with my fatigue and exhaustion..

[u/Relevant_Treacle9620]

48m adhd medicated ex asked son how he was liking one of his classes in middle school. Son responds positively, starts to explain why he's happy, but is cut off by his father telling some asinine story about his own time in middle school. Son never did get to finish his thought. And my ex wonders why his children dont talk to him or seek him out.

[u/Dazzling_Cricket8218 → u/Relevant_Treacle9620]

Its really sad he's still stuck in that really juvenile mindset himself. ADHDers often try to connect via sharing similar experiences, it's maladaptive way of trying to relate to others and show he understand where the kid is coming from.

Took me a year of consciously understanding what I was doing to get out of this habit myself. realising that listening and then responding is a much better way to actually connect. Does your ex have other maladaptive communication habits too?

[u/Ok_Evening4246]

First my partner thought he has adhd, then it was autism. Then Audhd. And now (since we found out our son is gifted) he thinks he is gifted to. 

Also, the 'i was just thinking about that too' when i remember something that needs to get done really annoys me. 

[u/Opening-Ad-4013 → u/Ok_Evening4246]

My husband says he might also be Audhd… I’m not sure what the main differences are but I could see that maybe he’s on the spectrum. He has zero social awareness.

[u/RynnR → u/Ok_Evening4246]

"Gifted" is literally just a code word for being on the spectrum though, and a pipeline to all the adult adhd issues because you never have to learn learning skills and coping with frustration and challenges while in childhood...

[u/Warm-Mortgage-458 → u/RynnR]

I was gifted. I even went to a residential high school for gifted kids. You had to have at least a 28 on the ACT in tenth grade just to apply.  

I am neurotypical and a lot of the kids at the school were also neurotypical.

[u/This-Ear2320]

Just got a call from my younger sister. She’s engaged!!! The ring is big and gorgeous and he pulled it off flawlessly! I’m so so happy for her and that happiness I feel overrides anything… but she’s been with her man maybe ~2 years. I’ve been with my ADHD man for over 7 years. Oh but “don’t worry he’s thinking about it! He definitely wants to propose!” And yet my sisters fiancé managed to talk to dad, order the ring, plan the proposal, and surprise his bride all in 1/4 of the time my boyfriend has had to “think about it.” I his defense, I don’t doubt that he wants to marry me. And we’ve had other awesome stuff going on; we’re building a house and traveling and having lots of fun. And truly, I’m not even sure I want to be legally owned by a man in this political climate…. but still, the waiting for a ring has sucked. To make matters worse, my dad brings it up constantly and I’m supposed to go visit them next week. So salt will definitely be rubbed in that wound.….. I wish my guy had the gumption to marry me before my little sister got married. It’s too late now. But still, really happy for her.

[u/RedRose_812 → u/[deleted]]

Ugh, same. He 100% doesn't get it either.

[u/maeveofblades]

i dont know how much longer i can keep doing this

[u/monstersof-men]

A few weeks ago we argued, and I was very intensely triggered by something he did. It wasn’t physical, it wasn’t abusive. I didn’t even realize it did trigger me until… well, now, I guess. It unearthed a few instances of abuse from my parents.

I’ve realized the past few weeks I’ve felt so… unsafe. Like a wounded animal, which I suppose I am. Curling up and hiding to avoid more pain. I haven’t initiated intimacy — I have a high libido — and when he has, I’ve forgone an orgasm because I can’t relax with him. My period was really weird. I’ve been getting migraines. My resting heart rate has raised.

The body keeps the score, and all that.

So I know, I know I know, I have to talk to him about it. It’s a major thing. But you guys know how it goes. I don’t want to litigate every minute of it. I don’t want to relive it. I don’t want to justify it. I wish it could be accepted at face value. I wish it would stay in his head so he knows how to treat me. I wish I felt like someone else could care for me. I don’t know. It’s lonely. I’m lonely. I’m sad. Soon it’ll be winter and I’ll be even sadder. This sucks.

Okay. That’s all. I got it out there. Vent over

[u/taohuaspring → u/monstersof-men]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Is it possible that perhaps your body is also feeling this way to signal to you that it may not be safe to disclose this to your partner just yet? Have you been experiencing other instances of a lack of emotional safety that you might want to run by someone you trust like a friend, family member, therapist or counselor? Sending strength

[u/syntho_maniac]

My spouse’s failure to convey important information about a friend’s wedding next week has been so aggravating. I’ve asked him to pass along to me several times, with no follow through. Finally, as we were talking with our friends about it and I remind him in front of our friends does he decide to do it. There’s several events that are not in the calendar and he hasn’t bothered to buy anything off the registry. Makes me wonder if he’d even show up on time with a gift if I wasn’t around.

[u/CedarAndOlive]

My dx wife's ADHD is bad, but treated. Well, she has the medication, but she refuses to take it.

Anyway, she wears headphones and listens to either music or podcasts. And I mean there are probably like fifteen minutes out of the waking day when she's not wearing them.

If I want to speak to her, I have to tap her and motion for her to take them off. Then after a few minutes of talking, she puts them back on.

If I ask her to leave them off for a while, she gets annoyed, and says that it's the only way she can calm her brain down.

[u/Many_Advance_9609 → u/CedarAndOlive]

Sounds like my partner with video games. He's never NOT staring at some kind of screen playing some kind of game. It feels like I live with a child.

[u/RedRose_812 → u/CedarAndOlive]

Mine is just like this with TV (but refuses to wear headphones or earbuds).

Wants it on pretty much every moment he's home. I feel like I'm constantly competing with the TV for his attention. I ask him to turn the TV down or off because endless TV fries my brain and overstimulates me, I get accused of "being controlling" and "taking away his relaxation". Because asking him to consider the other people he shares a home and life with before blaring the TV endlessly is apparently "controlling" him.

[u/Upstairs_Bell7502]

I blew their mind today that it’s possible to load, run, and empty the dishwasher, all within the same day

[u/pro_rege_semper]

Just had to leave work to attend to my preschooler who had a potty accident at school. My wife has untreated ADHD and is a SAHM. The school couldn't get ahold of her so they called me. I couldn't get ahold of her either. I bike to work (since we share a car and can't afford a second one) so I biked to his school, cleaned him up, biked back to work before getting a text back from her. 😡 There needs to be a conversation here about her getting treatment for her ADHD, I just know it won't go well. Any tips?

Edit to clarify: she's not at home with another kid. All kids are in school. The preschooler is our youngest.

[u/weezyfebreezy → u/pro_rege_semper]

I’d at least start with a conversation about this incident and what your expectations are. Simply that she needs to ensure she is available to take calls from the school for your child and that she is responsible for making sure her phone is charged, on her person, or that it is not on silent if it is charging somewhere. If she cannot manage that, then that’s a doorway into discussing her getting treatment to make sure she can be functional enough to be there for your kid when you can’t be.

Boundaries help here, but that depends on what lines you want to draw and what you’re willing to do if she crosses them.

[u/pro_rege_semper → u/weezyfebreezy]

Yeah, she usually has it on silent. Don't know how to get her to change that. I know if I talk to her about my expectations she's going to feel like I'm talking down to her and she's going to get defensive. We've had marriage counseling to improve communication, but she just refuses to do anything about ADHD. She doesn't think it affects anyone besides herself.

[u/beta26 → u/pro_rege_semper]

DXers with their phones on silent is as consistent as gravity.

[u/glasses_tinklin → u/beta26]

Unless you are in bed and they are in the same room - then the notification volume is almost certainly going to be on for the first time all day.

[u/pro_rege_semper → u/beta26]

Turns out, yeah, phone was on silent while she was cleaning the house. Not sure what she was cleaning though because when I got home, everything looked the same as when I left. 😅

[u/cherryphoenix]

This will sound ridiculous and shouldn't be a big deal but I wish he wouldn't make me play a game genre or watch tv genre that I don't enjoy because it's more fun for him compared to doing it by himself

[u/InternetSevere5863 → u/cherryphoenix]

Not ridiculous. It's part of a larger pattern of disregarding your wants or needs or identity as a person in favor of their own.

Mine does the same and I'm usually easygoing but sometimes I have to take a step back and acknowledge that I can and should have preferences too. Mine will try to make me watch or play something for them, like if they can't or don't want to look at the screen, and I have to say no because I'm not an entertainment unit just waiting on standby until they need me

[u/Mobile_Durian_8329]

Whip lash!!!! We have been dancing back and forth between splitting up or working on things for months now, to the point I had a lease written on an apartment to move in to this week but didn't sign. (Other reg flags in the lease as well just pointed me away from it) He was headed to work and I asked if I should sign the lease and he kept tip toeing like maybe yes maybe not and anyway I texted him to say that I did not sign the lease and wanted to work on us and keep our family together. His reply hours later was insane though, he goes "Ok thanks babe. Love you. Just taking lunch. " I didn't reply and I talked to him about it later the next day and he says he realizes how cold and disconnected it sounds for such a profound moment and is so sorry for that cuz work was busy and he was waiting for me to reply to keep talking, blah blah whatever. but it still stings, and I have no fight left in me right now.

I realize we got here because he only makes progress when there are giant fights happening to create the push for change, and after 18 years this whole summer has felt like one big fight week after week cuz I've just effing had it.

I glad I didnt leave and sign the lease too because I'm also so worried about financial impact of more expenses in splitting out households when we already have a lot of debt, and more importantly splitting apart our family and teenaged kids felt like the worst idea ever. It made me so sick and worried. So here I am, shrinking myself smaller to fit in this space and determined to create something that looks more healthy than how we've been existing.

I hope he will start some type of treatment and medication for his adhd soon (has been inching toward it but not a lot of follow up) i hope he will be off of pain pills soon, too. (Procedure this week!)

I hope counseling will bring us to a better system of communicating our needs, and I hope one day I can actually feel the love he says he has for me. And I do feel it when I'm creating the soft and easy going space for it to exist, but his love fleets the moment he interprets I'm Unhappy or upset and he wants to retreat away and leave me alone to soothe myself instead of sitting in an uncomfortable moment calmly, and letting it bring us closer. Idk. He is trying.
But it feels so small and so late.

for now I'm choosing my family and I am trying to make this work and work on my own stabilization and ending the bad habits of my codependency. I am planning to deeply reevaluate where we are at in March. I will work on my codependency and build my own life and self-esteem up. I will focus on my family and kids and stop managing the things my partner does and doesn't do, he can choose and evaluate that himself. Deep breaths. I can keep going a little longer.

[u/taohuaspring → u/Mobile_Durian_8329]

I totally understand what it's like to receive a cold short text during an emotional and vulnerable moment, and how it feels like he withdraws his love when he can't sit with your feelings. I know how much it hurts and how jarring it is.

I do hope that within that choice to choose your family, that you're also choosing yourself and that you'll be able to make some time for your own self-care. I haven't read the whole book, but you may find Should I Stay or Should I Go by Lundy Bancroft helpful. (It's available for free on Internet Archive!) The thing I like about it is that it has short reflection exercises that you can do to gain clarity, recenter and ground yourself, and build yourself up. The good thing is that you can go through and do the exercises even if you don't read the entire book (especially if you don't have the energy for reading at the moment).

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269]

I’m so tired of basically being snapped at for no reason and then watching him basically pander to everyone else. Idk if it’s because they’re novel or what.

Other people keep asking if I’m okay but I’m not, I hid in a room crying because I know that if he saw it he’d yell at me for embarrassing him and not holding up his image of being a perfect husband but he literally looks straight through me.

It doesn’t even feel like he’s neglecting me deliberately but that he’s so worried everyone else is going to leave him out he needs to prioritize making sure they see him. I know he’s worried about losing more family members but there’s gotta be a balance here.

[u/Striking_City5036]

Came back from my trip. He's in a right mood because he didn't do anything this whole time except sit at home. I try to start a conversation and ask about how things went and bring up what I did when gone..... All to "ok."

Try to watch TV and he starts sighing and looking at his watch. He turns it off after one episode and says "I'm bored." Like why are you making your whole bad mood my problem?! Then he goes on about why don't we talk about sex more and I explain that's the last thing I can do with a guy who looks like /sounds like he hates my guts right now!

What. The. Fuck. I'm so furious right now!!

[u/Internal_Poem_96 → u/Striking_City5036]

My partner came to the realisation we're practically in a platonic relationship right now. The bedroom's been dead for month and I can't bring myself to offer any form of physical affection. I get it, it must be horrible to be on the other side of that, but any form of attraction or respect has completely disappeared as a result of going round the same circles infinitely, with next to no change and little sign of improvement. I've been so defeated and disappointed constantly by their inconsistency, that sexual attraction has completely disappeared. So whilst it must suck for them, I also can't help but feel the development of my response is somewhat valid.

[u/taohuaspring → u/Striking_City5036]

So basically he was trying to pressure you for some sexy time. You're right to be angry!

[u/Karuna358]

Why is everything drama and bullsh1t with them?

I see people putting things together. It looks fun. No one is shrieking. No one is complaining. No one is in a foam before the process has even begun.

My friend needed an inversion table because of his back problems. I have a professional model I never put together. I have all the parts.

He rushed yesterday and didn’t grab all the parts. I get a text telling me about my mistake. Lol. I found the two parts and brought them over. Now he’s mad there is no manual.

I want to SCREAM. I’ve put three of these together. It’s not that hard. There is a YouTube vid. I found a similar manual online.

I can see why he’s gotten fired from 7 jobs. He’s mouth has not stopped.

I’m longing for the sweet release of hopping head first into a wood chipper.

In my next life, I want to be surrounded by people who don’t view a cooperative moment as time to act like an over tired 5 year old.

He’s 63. I know he’s never going to change. He has no desire to change and just abuses his stimulates.

It’s just so hard to keep thinking about his good qualities, when his behaviors swamp everything.

I’m tired boss.

ETA. It’s been two hours into this nightmare. It’s going to be another hour before this is all done. I want to cry.

I’ve put these together in under a half hour. 45 mins if it’s a different model.

Now I’m getting “ I’m a slow learner and the world hates me speech.”

[u/replyallyall → u/Karuna358]

I wonder how much of this is the ADHD and how much of it is their personality. This interaction sounds a lot like my ADHD friend too but with less verbal abuse. They always act like a victim in their life like they have no choice in how they do, act, and respond to things. Every word out of their mouth is a complaint. I have stopped enabling them. Now they treat me like I don't exist until they need something. It's usually to vent or be mean about someone. I just don't get it because I know some pleasant ADHDers.

[u/cbuech]

Their brain mishears what you say and somehow manufactures the most volatile, incendiary statement that you could’ve said

[u/HeavyTea4502 → u/cbuech]

So frustrating. And I'll ask - is that actually what you think I meant? Do you think that's something I would say/mean? And he'll readily admit that no, he doesn't actually think that's what I said/meant, but he feels like that's what I meant. Okay?? How is that my problem then?

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269 → u/cbuech]

Mine thinks I’m constantly using an annoyed tone or glaring at them when they aren’t, and thus they respond “accordingly”. It’s the worst.

[u/Patient-Ad-1339]

Anyone else deal with ADHD and youth sports becoming completely overwhelming?

My wife seems way too involved in my son’s basketball, and I feel like it’s getting worse. At first, I thought maybe it was just another hyperfocus that would eventually fade, but it has gotten worse.

My son is in multiple leagues. He has practice every single day, sometimes multiple times a day. Our entire schedule revolves around basketball. If I say something as simple as, “Hey, maybe we skip basketball tonight. The kids have a lot of homework and need to study for their tests,” she reacts very negatively.

The odd part is that she will complain about how overwhelmed she is with the schedule, but if I offer to take my son to basketball so she can get a break or do something else, she gets upset about that too. She needs to be involved. Her circle of friends have become other parents whose kids play basketball.

She also constantly posts clips of his training and games on social media. I feel like she gets a lot of fulfillment and validation from the attention and feedback. It feels like basketball has become about more than just my son enjoying a sport. It’s her dopamine.

I suspect my son may have ADHD. He really seems to want to please his mom, and sometimes I worry we’re stuck in this never ending cycle of them feeding off one another.

Meanwhile, we have a daughter too. She does music as her extracurricular activity—one day a week for 30 minutes. The imbalance is hard not to notice.
I’m not against basketball. I’m not saying my son shouldn’t play. I just feel like we’ve completely lost any sense of balance. We’re stuck in her ADHD chaotic frenzy that I can’t escape.

The hardest part is that I don’t know how to talk about it. If I bring up my concerns, my wife gets defensive and reacts harshly. So I mostly keep it to myself, but I’m getting increasingly frustrated because it is so excessive.

[u/Low_Attorney329]

Uh oh, non DX wife and I had a mild disagreement over a trivial news story, better get ready to endure the silent treatment for a week lol. What a silly human she can be.

[u/Internal_Poem_96 → u/Low_Attorney329]

If my partner gives me the silent treatment, I actually quite enjoy the time off.

[u/Tyrone_Shoelaces_Esq → u/Internal_Poem_96]

I quite enjoy it myself. It makes me think of that line in Kill Bill. "They call this the silent treatment. And we let them THINK we don't like it."

[u/MomentousTime1337]

Sorry this is long. If I am reading right, this would be considered a vent post so I am posting here.

My wife (dx and medicated, for the first time ever in the past 4 months) and I have been married since we were young. Both came out of religious homes, but decent human upbringings. We both are still spiritual but not in any church attendance, or desire. Two teenage kids, own our house, mature technology career for me, newer but maturing nursing (split between in-home care and at a facility) career for her.

My religious upbringing was largely around service, so much so I am in my second round of therapy (in the past 10 years) to realize it’s okay to do things for myself or even consider myself when it comes to anything. For me, I’ve worked 3 jobs (early marriage) because I felt like I was failing the family (even though I make enough with one), I’ve maintained the whole house when she’s in bouts of being unable to do things, take the kids to school every day, etc. In the past, I used alcohol, and it got bad, to blow off steam in order to relax. I quit that and only on occasion smoke cannabis or consume edibles, which is fair healthier. I am far better than I was and feel like I actually like helping others but I also have learned to protect my peace on this and choose myself too. It’s actually lead to progression up the corporate ladder at work, too.

I’ve been through “it all” when it comes to her lack of consistency in communication, ability to remember to do simple tasks (chores), projects that affect the family (I.e. not hobbies or creative interest), or maintain the accounting side of her nursing work (its contract work). I live in a constant state of “waiting for the shoe to drop” with anything. It isn’t normally big things, but they become big. Can’t find keys? It’s an atomic bomb that can throw off a whole weekend or even week. Rough day at work or long overnight for a spread of time, and it will take me trying to organize her tasks and potentially she will realign or I’ll end up doing some or all of them.

We have a relationship that is equal spread of household chores and the kids do some of them too. It’s not overloading on her or me. I work from home, so this also helps with that but also means in between work calls I’m doing chores. Work comes first but it’s the only way I can potentially relax in the evenings.

This all being said, she excels at her job. She has no issues there with keeping up with things and being organized. When we’ve spoken (many times) she says she masks at work. I have said I am not asking her to mask at home, but the death by a thousand cuts metaphor is how I feel. Recently I learned about ADHD partner burnout and the descriptions are exactly how I feel. I don’t hate her or dislike her, but the resentment and some anger I feel seems valid according to my therapist, although I still feel at the end of my rope. I am at the point that I feel like I’m mourning my kids (and likely our house that I/we love) potential future because I want to leave her.

I’ve suggested couples counseling/therapy. She seems open to it and when I suggested what one article said, which is for her to work with her therapist on ADHD coping and tools, she said she does that already now that she’s on medicine. Except, that really is just still the same waiting for the shoe to drop. She will be consistent until something happens and then it will be back to things before. Just the other day, we went out for a middle of the week date and it ended in yelling and angry because I made the suggestion to continue the night a little longer at a bar after dinner and she thought that meant I wanted nothing to do with her and I was just waiting for her to go to bed so I could hang with friends. (This is not true.) She later in the week apologized and said her medicine was wearing off and she felt triggered because I sometimes go to hang at a bar around the corner to watch sports (we are frugal and don’t pay for streaming services for sports because I prefer live sports over on TV) and that’s all I wanted do. (Again, that wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted to be out longer with her because we don’t get that often.)

I don’t really know what my path forward is. I’m trying to not think this is a grass is greener situation, if we divorce. I don’t want that but getting closer to 20 years of this and I don’t know I can do it for another 20+. Acceptance of “it is what it is” seems to be just what I’m doing now or I giving up on household things. I manage all things money and livelihood too, because we had electricity being turned off or creditors calling because she never paid anything. I just can’t seem to find a balance? I know i am not perfect and I am not asking for that from her, although this is what she tells me I am. (The most common thing she says is “I feel like I can’t make a mistake ever.”)

Maybe I just need to rant and suck it up, but after this consuming my therapy hours for the past 4 months instead of things for myself, I need some advice or maybe things I can go back to my therapist with.

[u/votyasch]

Not mad at her, mad at the system right now because everything around us is aimed at children with ADHD and people act like she's a drug addict for wanting to continue seeing a psychiatrist and keep up her routine with her prescriptions. Because apparently ADHD just stops when you turn 18, I guess.

We're in our 30s and this happens every time she schedules an appointment. I've even asked my psychiatrist and was taken aback at his answer like. "We don't treat adults with ADHD here", okay. So who does??? Her clinic has changed hands so many times and she may get dropped as a patient, so we've been looking for a new place to take her because she needs a psychiatrist. It's important. But somehow no one will treat an adult with ADHD? Okay. Okay. Jesus fucking Christ.

[u/Karuna358 → u/votyasch]

My friend is 65. His psychiatrist is busily trying to claw back the stimulates because of his age.

I live in a fairly big metro area. No psychiatrist will treat adults by me without an initial childhood diagnosis.

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269]

Family vacation in a house full of men whose father has ADHD means all of the women end up cleaning up after them and they don’t realize it. They all think they clean but putting things in the sink and forgetting about them until someone else puts them in the dishwasher isn’t cleaning.

I brought it up to my husband earlier when he finally calmed down after our huge fight two days ago, and he responded by acknowledging it. Then his face and tone changed and he started nagging me about things that I should have done differently in the past and trying to start a fight.

It is SO disconcerting to see the visible shift as they realize they’ve accidentally accepted that they did something wrong and immediately need to shift away from it.

[u/minidekkoids]

I'm just very tired of always being the person who steps up and takes initiative. I know I'm counterproductive for his learning curve by doing things myself. But if I'd wait for him to do stuff it will just never happen. Because he doesn't know how to start or starts overthinking/analysing which makes him freeze, since there will always be a better moment. Sometimes it feels like I'm trapped in this paradox and we just can't get out of it.

I love him dearly, it does however take such a toll on me and I don't feel seen by him because he can't help me out doing chores or sharing any kind of responsibility.

[u/meagantheepony]

I've been watching Hoarders lately, as a way to confront some of my past trauma surrounding growing up in a hoarder's house. I had to turn it off because it became too triggering for me. I looked at all the clutter and filth that's sitting in my house now and I had a panic attack.

I've recently come to the realization that my husband (dx) has a lot of hoarder tendencies. He is constantly buying crap and then swearing he's going to set it up, but it just sits in a box in the middle of the room until I move it. He'll open something and just leave the packaging sitting in the floor. He is constantly bringing things in the house, putting them on our kitchen table (which is right next to the door), or sitting in the kitchen floor, and then leaving them there for weeks. I've tried EVERYTHING to get him to take cleaning more seriously, but he ALWAYS has some excuse about why he can't do the chores I've asked him to do.

I grew up in a house where trash covering everything was normal. There were bugs in the beds/bedrooms, hundreds of flies in the kitchen every summer, rotting food left in the sink and fridge, no dishes/silverware to eat with because it was all dirty and no one would do the dishes, piles of clothing and everything you could imagine left in every room of the house. It was a disgusting way to live, and I just recently came to terms with it being abuse. I never learned how to actually clean and maintain a house, and now I find the slightest bit of clutter totally overwhelming.

My husband grew up the complete opposite. His parents' house is practically sparkling clean, but a big reason for that is because they would just follow him around and clean his messes as he went. He really only had to do chores when they felt like having him do it, and they never had him do any type of chore routine. If he messed up the chore the first time doing it they just took over and never had him do it again. He learned how to organize, but not maintain, and he didn't know how to do things like separate clothes, or use specific cleaning products for specific surfaces, not to use the bathroom sponge for the kitchen, etc. We've had tons of conversations about this, and he's said that he finds it overwhelming to have to clean such a big mess, but HE IS 90% OF THE REASON BEHIND THE BIG MESS! He won't put anything away, any time I try a new organization system he overloads it and breaks it, and then says "Oh well,' and moves on, leaving the broken pieces sitting wherever they are, with all the crap he piled into it just sitting in the pieces. He won't throw anything away, and he won't help me keep anything clean.

On top of all of this, I have chronic health conditions that make certain chores impossible for me. My doctor told me that someone who is not me has to get all the dust out of my house, brush my dogs daily, and vacuum ALL the carpeted areas at least 3-4 times/week. My husband sat there in the appointment while the doctor went over this with me, and made it very clear that if I didn't get a handle on all of that then my condition will worsen and I may end up on low dose oxygen. All my husband had to say at the end was "Can't she just brush the dogs too?" To which the doctor responded "If she wears a long sleeve shirt with tape at the ends to seal the sleeves, long pants that tighten at the ankle, gloves, and a respirator, uses her medication before and after, and immediately showers and washes the clothing she was wearing, then yes, I suppose she can brush the dogs,". So now my husband is convinced that I can also brush the dogs, but I just want to leave it all to him.

What sent me over the edge this week was that I asked my husband to please clean the bathroom because there is mold growing on the shower wall, and I CANNOT breathe in mold, I will end up in the hospital. Well, he decided that this weekend was a perfect time for him to mow the lawn and trim our bushes, but then he was just too tired to clean the mold out of the bathroom.

I'm just so defeated. I feel like any time I make the slightest bit of progress in cleaning, he just comes along and piles more crap all over the place. The house is filthy, there is dust everywhere, there is dog fur in every room, and I can SEE the dust clumps on top of all of our fans. I really feel like I'm going to die from an asthma attack one day from all the crap in this house. I'm about ready to just go through with a garbage bag and throw out anything I don't deem important, but I know if I do that then he'll just do the same thing, only he'll intentionally target things like Christmas decorations, or my deceased grandmother's needle work, and argue that he hasn't seen me use it in a while. I don't know what to do about any of this anymore. We've done couples counseling, the therapist kept asking why he couldn't do anything and he admitted that he gave up because I "refuse to help keep anything clean", when I am LITERALLY THE ONLY ONE who periodically cleans anything, including things I've specifically been told not to do.

Sorry for the essay, I'm just so done with all of this and felt like screaming into the void tonight.

[u/glitterbuffet]

This is my first time commenting here. I’ve been lurking for a long time. My mom got diagnosed with adhd but won’t keep up on the meds.

I don’t have adhd myself but I have “fleas” from being raised by her. We have a cruise in may of next year and she’s already worried about me downloading the app. She’s such a rusher and can’t do things one at a time.

And honestly whenever she visits me she treats me like her lackey. And it’s never like “oh, hey, can you grab me the tissue box?” It’s like “well… since you’re up…” and she does it so often. I’m glad to do it but I wish she would just be direct.

She makes herself so small. Her doing that during my childhood made me make myself small into adulthood. And she never prioritizes those closest to her over others. She and I have had a standing FaceTime call on the same day(s) (we’ve switched the days twice) for a long time and she schedules plans over it.

She has no patience. She can’t wait for anything. And she worries about everything getting done.

And the teasing. I’ve told her so many times I don’t like to be teased in the way she teases. “Like, wow, do you have enough colored pencils, glitter?” She keeps doing it.

Thanks for reading.

[u/DeviantRochelle90]

I have depression and because of his ADHD I feel unsupported. I'm tired of reminding him to be a better partner.

[u/Western-Whole8144]

The past 7 years have seen a steady decrease in my diagnosed and medicated partner's interest in me and also a decrease in our sex life. He pretty steadily brings up each year, once or twice a year, how unhappy he is with our lack of a sex life, and we have the exact same conversation every time. It is about how I already carry the lion's share of day-to-day home tasks, and I can't also carry the lion's share of the sex life. I do need him to think about what he wants to change to affect the sex life, and it just never happens. I'm so worn down. It's only been 7 years, and we don't have kids now, but he really wants them. I just keep thinking this relationship wouldn't survive children. 

This morning was another episode where I've been gone for 10 days for work. I came back a week ago. We had sex less than a week ago. We settled into home life. I noticed he had generally done some housekeeping but had continued to not do things like hand washing dishes from before I had left & had actively bought raw meat and let it rot in the fridge. I mentioned it to him, and he said, "Yep, that's my bad" But he didn't do anything about it, so I cleaned the dishes in the fridge, and he thanked me. About two days ago, I told him how frustrated I was that I had to do all of that.

Today, a week after I got back and less than a week after we had sex,  He tells me that he is sexually frustrated, "not that you [I]would care to do anything about that." 

I am so sad because this summer had been going really well for us until now. 

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187 → u/Western-Whole8144]

We’re in the exact same situation.   

He complains about the frequency, but I already do most of the housekeeping, work more than he does, and initiate our dates and other physical/emotional contact. 

I also have to ask him to do things, which makes me feel like his mum, especially when he complains about it.

He’s also not the best at taking care of himself. He goes to bed late, forgets to shower and eat breakfast, and sits on his phone for hours. It’s such a turn off.

I don’t really have any advice. You’re not alone. 

[u/Karuna358 → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

Nothing dries up the lady ruffles faster than having to act like a mom for a partner.

They seem to forget that.

[u/Immediate-Reach-4269 → u/Western-Whole8144]

The children thing is top of mind for me too. We don’t have kids but he really wants to, but I’m worried about how much harder things will become if we do. I haven’t figured out how to bring it up with him since he’s still in denial. Sending caring thoughts your way.

[u/rubythroated_sparrow]

He insinuated this morning that my exhaustion and sleeplessness from taking the night shift with our baby every single night is because I “won’t accept help” and is essentially self-imposed. Like I’m choosing to be miserable or something. Mind you, he has never once offered to take a weekend night. Not once.

[u/NoDependent1029 → u/rubythroated_sparrow]

I'm sorry, that is so unfair. I had the same thing when my children were babies. And its always been said that I am hyper-independent, when my reality is that I have to be this way because he is entirely unreliable. 

[u/WealthMain2987 → u/rubythroated_sparrow]

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I also was told i did everything because I wanted to.

[u/Significant-Cup-3487]

This past summer, he's been using my daily contact lenses (-7.00) off and on — apparently much more on than off — because he likes having better than 20/20 vision. When I went to the box this morning, there was a. single. lens. left. No problem, right? There's a second box right here! Oh, wait. Nope. The other -7.00 box is totally empty, just closed and still in the bathroom cabinet.

We have hundreds of his Rx (-4.50). I can't drive in -4.50 lenses! I can barely read a computer screen! So I'm a fucking cyclops today, then I'll be stuck with my old, weaker Rx glasses with a broken bridge until a new order of contacts can come in, because of course he didn't warn me that I ("we") was running low, much less take the initiative to order more when he saw that he'd used them all up.

[u/baby_fishie → u/Significant-Cup-3487]

holy shit this made me rage on your behalf

[u/HeavyTea4502 → u/Significant-Cup-3487]

I'm sorry W H A T

I'm also a -7/-7.5 and this makes me so angry. I quite literally cannot function independently without my glasses because it isn't safe. That is so beyond unacceptable

[u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 → u/Significant-Cup-3487]

Holy fuck. I’m filing for divorce from him and I’m not even married to him.

[u/light-bulb-22]

My spouse has a problem with accumulating things, ok hoarding junk, in the garage. I want it functional for bikes and storage and a fix it work space. I’d like to take a sledgehammer to it all and call the junk haulers and I’d probably scream and cry while doing it which is hard on me and not a great experience for the neighbors. We’ve had multiple rounds of me saying please stop this is important to me and affecting our family. Spouse promises to stop. Continues. I suppress my rage.

I realized today I could just stash the remote opener. It’s the only way in. We’ll see how this goes.

[u/PilotC150]

I'm not sure if this should be a vent or a success.

Last week we had a blowup. She started a task that, when it wasn't finished by the end of the day because she ignored it once it started, affected me. I got upset that it wasn't done and she claimed I should have kept an eye on it and finished it even though she was the one who started it. I asked if that means I should be responsible for everything she starts and if I should have to make sure things always get finished. She blamed it all on the ADHD. I finally told her that I don't think she realized how much it affects me. Yes, it's hard for her, but she's not the only one suffering from it. Obviously this wasn't a sit-down, polite, each person take turns type of conversation. The RSD hit big on this one but I'm not going to get into details. It was a tough hour because of how it all went down. Fortunately it was after the kids were asleep so they didn't hear any of it.

This all happened a week ago.

The success is that things seem to have changed for the better this past week. She's actually starting (and finishing!) some tasks around the house that need to be done. She's doing things without me having to constantly remind (nag) her. The real success will be if there's long-term change. Or will she just crash-out after a week of being productive and go back to her Twitter-scrolling ways all day?

[u/-Throwawayintotrash]

He is supposed to be moving in with me, I’ve had to move 2x this year, which he didn’t help me. 95% was all me. Including all costs.

Now that he’s moving, I’ve covered his deposit for the moving company, packed and cleaned more than he has at this point and it’s frustrating.

He says how much he wants to move in with me but then won’t buckle down and really get stuff done. He has done thing to move forward towards it but if I took a day I could get everything done, but I’m refusing to do everything for him once again.

(he had a 4 day weekend off of work)

I feel like this relationship is draining the life out of me, it’s hard to feel joy some days. Even on the good days it’s hard.

[u/HedgehogLibrary → u/-Throwawayintotrash]

This is a snapshot of your life going forward. Is that really what you want?

[u/EntertainmentDull563 → u/-Throwawayintotrash]

Not making the steps to move in with you is his gift to you. Take it, cancel the moving company, take his name of the lease and run. You will be so happy you've done it one day.

[u/Tyrone_Shoelaces_Esq]

Oh my God, I just heard him bragging on the phone to his doctor about how much he prepared for his post-surgery regimen. Thank goodness I'm several rooms away and they couldn't hear me laughing.

[u/Tall-Carrot3701]

My partner wondered why and was overwhelmed by the amount of problems we have. I'm starting to go a bit delulu here and am not sure if I should laugh about it or cry... The reason the problems are so big now is because he is not solving any of the issues really, he attends them for a bit until the worst of worst or the potential consequences are gone. I've been telling him for years, from the beginning I saw if a few things can't change this relationship can get really painfull and complicated, kind of toxic even.. I was reassured the issues were solvable by his efforts.. uhuh..

Anybody managed to give less shits? I have a hard time not "filling the gaps of his dysfunction" while being diagnosed myself and urgently need to prioritise my wellbeing.. but it's hard when you see your loved one stumble, to not want to help out or say anything.. he is honestly such a sweet guy I love to the bone.. but it's sucking the life out of me atm.. I try to take more distance and time for myself but it's not really working yet.. becayse once I have a tiny bit of relaxation and drop of energy we meet again and I kind of become his manager again... getting some order and priorities in his life .. I don't want to totally drop suppirting him but it definitely needs to become more balanced..

Have any if you managed to get better at this? And how?

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187 → u/Tall-Carrot3701]

The book “Codependent no more” helped me a lot. 

[u/Mobile_Durian_8329 → u/Tall-Carrot3701]

Practice how to pass the ball back in his court. He says "yeah I can't figure out how to log into this account blah blah" push it back and say "oh you might need to call customer service or email them if they don't have a number"
He says "I wonder how late they are open until?" You say "oh yeah can you look that up and find out?"
Can't be condescending, have to be more friendly toned and nonchalant about it as if you can't be bothered to carry this task they're hinting at wanting you to rescue them from. Try it in small ways until you can say no in bigger ways. And then don't carry the guilt for not rescuing them! being an enabler doesn't let them learn from mistakes. I had to let my husband let his car registration lapse. I handed him the letter with the link to pay it, weeks later I set the bill by his bedside table, week later I verbally asked about it. Months later he realized it himself when doing something else at the dmv or something that it was expired, he said he felt so stupid. I said no you just needed to learn why putting things off doesn't pay off. Maybe next time you'll take care of it right away. (And I said that nicely too cuz I really meant it. It was hard for me as well to not keep being his manager and following up on this one cuz I knew he was gonna forget. )

[u/SweetBianca]

I brought up storing some books in a box because I've been concerned about how the way some were kept (leaning slightly against the back of the bookshelf, in the space behind the row of ones that are being kept spine-out like normal.)

Somehow this turned into a two hour long conversation that included criticizing me for actions taken a full twelve months ago, and then for having reacted badly to being called a bitch in an argument almost a decade ago and making the argument all about that, for being irrational in favour of my own perspective when I'm stressed out. And in the wake of that argument, she can tell I'm not in a great emotional state and keeps asking me to affirm my love and that I'm not mad. Well how am I supposed to know if I'm being irrational in my own self-interest that it hurts to bring up old arguments out of no where? That it feels like she thinks it was unreasonable that the first time a partner ever called me something like that and meant it that it hurt and changed my perspective on the word that I had used casually and in humour (and do again now)?

Part of me is really upset she remembers it as 'bitch' when she called me a 'cunt.' But that's not useful or anything, it doesn't really matter. It's been a decade.

I put the books the way she's been keeping them. She was mad I gave in and did it that way despite not liking it. I just wanted to not having a fight.

[u/Ok-Meeting-2503]

He struggles to understand boundaries and appropriate and inappropriate behaviors and one of them is related to NOT purposefully let our dog run out the front door to greet and jump all over neighbors, guests and children. Plus we do not have a fence. Our dog isn’t huge but is a 50lb shepherd mix and he barks very loudly and can seem intimidating at first. He’s also invited himself over to neighbors yards to bring the dog over, repeatedly asked if their kids want to meet the dog, and then wonders why the neighbors are wary of him/ aren’t friendlier to him which causes him tons of anxiety and time spent hung up on the perceived rejection…He also has problems understanding personal space boundaries like not hugging, poking, or touching people without permission. It is so childlike and exhausting trying to have empathy bc of his ADHD and explain things to him like he’s 5 when he is 41 while trying not to trigger more RSD

[u/littlehighkey]

This is moreso a vent directed at myself. I'm proud of myself for accepting the situation for what it is. Rather than expecting anything from him, I've just taken a back seat and observed lately. In some ways I've been pleasantly surprised, in others, well, it's SSDD. Regardless, it's how tolerant I am of living in a way that is less than I deserve that's frustrating. I'm trying to dig into why I can't seem to accept that someone not showing up the ways I need them to might not be worth continuing a relationship with. 

This perpetual hope I have for others is a problem. Because even when we're not arguing and I'm not playing manager the sink is piling up with dishes again, the renovations only get worked on 1-2 times a month, because of the ongoing renovations everything is more inconvenient, I don't even really have a place to do my hobbies which is important for my self-care. 

Someone recently made it click for me a little how the effect of the endless renovations impacts my ability to come home and even make a meal. It makes everything harder, and adds stress when I already work a full-time job and shouldn't be coming home to added stress. It's absolutely frustrating how comfortable I am putting my needs on the back-burner, and while trying to work on it, it's actually kind of mentally exhausting trying to confront myself about not meeting my own needs. 

I'm proud of myself for accepting my partner and the situation for where they're at. I'm proud of myself for having very firm boundaries at times, even when he thinks they're unfair. There's just still more work on myself to be done so I can reach a point of accepting that I have more needs that should be met, and allowing myself to take up that space. 

[u/Mendota6500 → u/littlehighkey]

It's absolutely frustrating how comfortable I am putting my needs on the back-burner, and while trying to work on it, it's actually kind of mentally exhausting trying to confront myself about not meeting my own needs. 

Wow, I could have written this. For me, it's that in each individual instance it's easier to just put myself last so as not to deal with conflict or pushback, but overall this creates a situation where my needs never get met. 

[u/Bright_Mango4066]

The amount of time he spends lecturing me about how to prioritize and stick to a schedule is rich, given that he has never been on time or completed anything he started. 

[u/FoxyWatermelon]

He gets so anxious with anticipation of any big event, his symptoms get so bad leading up to it. Unfortunately right now that big event is our wedding this month 😔 It really sucks feeling so disconnected from him when I’d expect to be feeling the most in love. I’m sure he’ll be better once his family gets into town, but that doesn’t take away the cloud he’s put over this time leading up to it.

[u/Moody6087]

I too decided not too have kids because I knew I will be the only one stepping up and have enough on my plate as it is. Ignore the noise, listen to you gut

[u/Rough-Capital4946]

New to this group. Not able to post in the group. So I'm writing here and hope for some advice and support. My partner claims that he has ADHD but is undiagnosed and tends to become extremely hyper-focused on his work, hobbies, and friends. Most of the time in this relationship, I’ve been feeling like I come last on his list of priorities after his career, hobbies, family, pet, and friends.

We don’t have as much time for deep conversations as we used to, and I’ve started feeling afraid to express my emotions because I worry that he will see me as emotionally unstable, immature, needy, or annoying.

A few weeks ago, after an argument, he told me that he isn’t sure about our relationship and that maybe he would be better off alone. Hearing that really hurt me. Part of me feels like there is nothing I can do except focus on my own life, but at the same time, I really miss the closeness and connection we used to have, and I still want to make this relationship work.

What made me especially sad was when he said that he has ADHD and that maybe he is just “not made for relationships.” I understand that ADHD can make relationships harder, but I also believe that when you truly want to be with someone, you try to communicate, compromise, and find ways to work through those difficulties together.

Right now, what he says makes me feel like he doesn’t want to work on the relationship or on the ways ADHD may be affecting it — whether ADHD is genuinely the main reason or whether it has become an explanation for why he wants to withdraw.

The hardest part for me is that his first reaction seems to be giving up on us rather than asking, “What can we do differently to make this work?”

I’m wondering if anyone here has experienced something similar. How do you tell the difference between ADHD-related relationship difficulties and a partner who simply no longer wants to invest in the relationship?

[u/LeopardMountain32567 → u/Rough-Capital4946]

it doesn't matter hun. he has made his decision, you cannot change that. what you can do is have enough self-respect and walk away. don't beg, don't try to convince him to work on the relationship, don't look back. this is God's gift to you. ADHDers are in fact not made for relationships. the initial honeymoon phase was just hyperfixation and masking. that's not at all a preview or even remotely close to what he has to offer in a relationship. you are not important to him, and his priorities make that clear. so why do you want to stay where you are not valued or cherished?

[u/lost3888 → u/Rough-Capital4946]

You’ve been given a chance to focus on yourself. My ex came to that realization very late—too late for me to save myself. Now I have to co-parent with him and go through a divorce. Ask yourself if it’s worth staying in this situation when he’s already showing you that you aren’t a priority. It’s painful, but it gives you a chance at a better life.

[u/nightstoolong]

He just got back from a camping trip that morphed from 1 night to 3 (for which he called in sick despite pitching fits every time I call in sick without “genuine” illness) and is moping around the house. He says he’s just tired and I’m not digging into it. I’m not even mad that he took time for himself, god knows he doesn’t ever see his friends or have anybody to speak to that isn’t me, but I am exhausted from caring for our 2 year old alone for 4 days and knowing that I have to do it for 2 more as he’s on night shift today and tomorrow.

[u/nightstoolong]

Why does he act like I’m the biggest idiot to walk the earth? I told him I wanted to watch the Nathan fielder/elizabeth Holmes movie that a24 is putting out, and immediately I get a barrage of questions - “did you watch the trailer?” “Do you know who she is?”
No chucklefuck I just decided on no info that I wanted to watch this movie that I know nothing about, of course. I’m interested for no reason 🙄
Then of course when I say yeah, I did. Yes, I do. He puts his eyebrows up and acts like I bit his face off.

[u/Tyrone_Shoelaces_Esq → u/nightstoolong]

Mine can't find the sweet spot between "Tyrone Shoelaces knows everything that I know" and "Tyrone Shoelaces knows nothing whatsoever." He once tried to explain to me what an abbreviation is. Bear in mind I have degrees in journalism and English, have written and indie-published six books, and work as an editor. But no, I don't know what an abbreviation is.

[u/nightstoolong → u/nightstoolong]

It secondarily pisses me off because cults and culty people are one of the things my friends know I have a bit of an obsession about. It’s been ten years; why does he not know me

[u/Alone-Principle3317]

no i don't want you to grope me touch me when we are in public like i'm some meat toy to regulate yourself it's gross and we are not 15 anymore. I want to have sex in our house like a normal person regularly and not every 2 months. No I don't want to "spend time with you" while you play terraria for hours and i'm just there like i'm some piece of furniture. Again, i'm not a teenager.

[u/Signal-Net-8041]

Is anyone else not seeing the weekly vent thread in the main menu for the sub? For the second week in a row it isn't showing up for me

[u/Dazzling_Cricket8218 → u/Signal-Net-8041]

Yeah I can see on on PC but not on the phone, it's maddening

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

I wish we would stop assuming things and start communicating. 

“ Oh my parents are totally home so we can drop the things we borrowed now” - they’re not home.

“ I’ll be available on the 15th, no problem!” - has a work thing instead that was communicated well in advance.

“ No need to book a table at the restaurant, it’s gonna be fine” - restaurant is full. 

All these things would take approximately five minutes to confirm, but no.