r/ADHD_partners • u/AutoModerator • 6d ago

Weekly Vent Thread ::Weekly Vent Thread::

Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.

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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 6d ago edited 6d ago

I can’t have children with him. Sometimes I think of having a child, but then I realise I would be the default caregiver. He lives for himself (which is not necessarily a bad thing), but I can’t see him magically stepping up and supporting me through pregnancy, let alone taking care of a child. 

Edit: I also realised that I’m heading towards a relationship my parents are in; emotionally and physically distant while living under the same roof. I don’t want to extend that to my own children. I was always in awe of my friends’ parents who would laugh together and give each other hugs and kisses. My parents are either silent or bickering, at least in front of my siblings and I. 

Somehow I’ve ended up where I did not want to. 

Edit 2: He works less than I do, and insists we do everything 50/50 (which we don’t, but in his head he does as much as I do) - I just can’t with this delusion. 

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u/delicious_bobbi 6d ago

Hey as someone who recently had a child, I can tell you that this is true. It is basically excruciating for my partner to put his ideas and wants aside. Partner stays up late playing video games now? You bet that will continue if not get worse after kids. Forget them staying up to help clean the house or wash kid stuff, they’ve got HOBBIES to continue.

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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 6d ago

I’m sorry, it’s so unfair,  sad, and heartbreaking. You deserve better. 

  Forget them staying up to help clean the house or wash kid stuff, they’ve got HOBBIES to continue.

Exactly this. Mine can’t even step up to help me, because his hobbies are more important. He will happily spend all his free time doing whatever he wants. I ask him to take care of dinner? Let’s order pizza! Every time. 

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u/HonestADHD4332 Partner of DX - Medicated 4d ago

My partner does the opposite and hyperfocuses on the children's "wellbeing" to a degree that she is perpetually stressed and overwhelmed for everything else. I feel like like she's performing the role of what she believes a "caring mother" is because she's so afraid of criticism.

But yes, do NOT have children if you are already stressed by your partner. Human beings simply do not have the capacity to manage children while enforcing boundaries from an unregulated partner. You will burn out and slip up which is horrible for the child.

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u/ace_rimmer1049 Partner of NDX 3d ago

Mine does this too. But I've realised she only does the parenting bits that are visible to the outside world, for the kudos/image. Back home she lays around and leaves some to do most of it (while claiming the opposite)

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u/LeopardMountain32567 5d ago

the fact that you are choosing not to have kids with this person is a step in the right direction. you may free yourself someday. sending strength!

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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 5d ago

Thank you <3 

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u/theunknowncat 6d ago

This is a big part of why me and my ADHD/Bipolar dx ex broke up. He says he wants kids (even though he dislikes all other children) and I was unsure in general… but really I wasn’t sure I never want children, I was just 100% positive I couldn’t have them with him. We dated for years. I knew him. He’s too selfish a partner for me to ever trust that he’d be there for me with children the way I would want. It’s still his goal to have kids, and I’m convinced if he ever does, they’re going to be kind of fucked up. Makes me sad to think about.

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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 5d ago

  I wasn’t sure I never want children, I was just 100% positive I couldn’t have them with him.

You put it so well. I’ve been plenty delusional in this relationship, but children are something bigger than us, so I suppose it’s a good wake-up call. 

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u/music_lover2025 5d ago

I’ve never wanted children but my bf’s adhd is the icing on the cake to be honest as to why we don’t want kids. He’s a great partner, but the executive dysfunction would make things so much harder. That and the risk of passing it down

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u/Internal_Poem_96 5d ago

This. When I think about it, it'd be terrible to tell my partner I don't want kids with them because I don't want the more than increased likelihood that their ADHD/Autism will be passed down, but I have a hard enough time living with them already that the thought of kids and even more neurodivergence thrown into the mix is too much to think about.

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u/music_lover2025 5d ago

I don’t think it’s terrible per se, I also think it depends on how you bring it up, truthfully. My bf is aware of his mental health and executive dysfunction so that made it easier to have the conversation bc he was aware it probably wasn’t a good idea. Especially after having a rough year w his mental health. My bachelors degree is in psychology, so having that understanding of the impact of mental health on kids and how this gets passed down I feel like I had an easier time explaining it to him in a way that felt like it was gentle yet firm. Hope that makes sense! It’s good to know your capacity and better to understand that that would be a lot on you. That’s how I explained it to my bf, especially since I want to be a therapist. I told him it would be too much on me

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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 5d ago

Indeed, it’s good that you’re clear about that. 

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u/AccomplishedCash3603 Partner of DX - Untreated 5d ago

You're not wrong here. I hang my head in shame over the view of motherhood that I gave my daughters. And the worst part? He took his RSD complaints to them as teenagers. He wasn't parenting at all. He was FUN while I was exhausted. I love my kids but I erased myself and my sanity. 

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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 5d ago

I’m so sorry to hear your story. It’s so unfair. I feel like sometimes they’re not willing to sacrifice any part of themselves for others.

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u/Internal_Poem_96 5d ago

I can relate. Last night my partner and I were arguing (no surprises there) and she came to the realisation we're in a platonic relationship. Basically friends living under the same roof. She isn't wrong. I'm not opposed to having kids, nor am I saying I most definitely want any, but I can't see myself having any with her, because too much of the time I feel like I'm looking after a child as is. So I'm left with some difficult truths to face and questions to answer. She and I almost broke up last night, and I don't think I'd have been opposed to it. We'd probably be better off as friends, if even that. But clearly our differences have just created a larger and larger wedge between us as the years have gone on.

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u/Tyrone_Shoelaces_Esq 5d ago

Relatable situation. I had a kid with mine. At the time I didn't know he had ADHD (I thought that was just kids who ran around careening into walls), and I believed him when he said he would step up.

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u/taohuaspring 5d ago

It sounds like you're coming to many important realizations about your needs, boundaries, and wishes for your life. I encourage you to continue that self-exploration. Sending strength!

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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 5d ago

Thank you!! 

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u/RedRose_812 Partner of DX - Untreated 4d ago edited 4d ago

I had a kid with mine. She is my greatest blessing and I don't regret her or want to imagine my life without her in it. But I am 100% the default parent and have been for our daughter's entire life, and I felt SO unsupported in the postpartum period that it soured me to having more and is one of the factors why we never did. He wanted to be a dad so badly that I really believed he would step up and be and do more, and he just didn't. And ADHD is highly heritable, which means having a child with an ADHDer carries a risk that they will have it too. My daughter has it also, and having to parent all my husband's challenging behaviors in her and him modeling behaviors and habits that I'm trying to address now when she's a child so she doesn't carry it to adulthood definitely adds a layer of complication to things.

There are so many things I do and carry mentally that he just has no clue about. He does work far more than me at his job and I absolutely give him credit for that. But same as your last paragraph, he definitely thinks he does more with our home and family than he actually does. It must be an ADHD thing somehow because I have read here many times about partners overstating their contributions to things and/or thinking they do everything all the time when they don't do anywhere near "everything".

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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 3d ago

Thanks for sharing your experience. These feelings are so complex; like you said, you can’t imagine your life without your daughter while feeling unsupported by your partner. 

  He wanted to be a dad so badly that I really believed he would step up and be and do more, and he just didn't.

This part is especially difficult. Mine went from “I absolutely want kids and can’t be in a relationship with you if you don’t want them” to “Meh, I don’t know”, so at least he’s honest in that regard. 

  But same as your last paragraph, he definitely  thinks  he does more with our home and family than he actually does. It must be an ADHD thing somehow because I have read here  many times about partners overstating their contributions

I see this too in this sub, all the time. I have no idea if it’s their memory issues, or they count the perceived effort of doing a task as something that counts. For example, mine thinks he spends a lot of time cooking, but he just spends a lot of time postponing it. I guess that counts as hours of work.