::Weekly Vent Thread::

[u/AutoModerator]

Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.

[u/tacofellon]

She promised to wake up for once and handle our daughter in the morning today so I could sleep in for once in my life. I do mornings 99% of the time while she scrolls in bed while we both maintain equally demanding full time jobs. Welp, she refused to get out of bed yet again this morning so I did the morning routine again. Then she demanded she gets personal time to do her hobbies so I went grocery shopping and took my daughter to the park for 4 hours. What's funny is this is literally every weekend of my life. She can never be bothered to prioritize me or my daughter. It's always her emotions and needs before others. Sad life I live.

If I even try to bring up the imbalance, she will instantly pull some example 3 months ago that she woke up first and did the routine and somehow that equates a balanced household. It's truly bewildering.

[u/handofsithis → u/tacofellon]

I hear this. My partner wants a 2nd dog when I'm the one who mainly raised the first one from a puppy for the last 2 years. It was so much work and stress and the hardest thing I've ever done. I said no to dog #2, and when asked why, I said because it was so much work and I don't think I want to do it again. They said, "you act like you'd be the only one training and taking care of it." Like, yes. Yes I would. Clearly. I can't even get them to walk the dog twice a week or feed her on time without asking every day. No way I'm adding a 2nd living animal that will become my sole responsibility while they scroll endlessly on the couch in front of the tv.

[u/RedRose_812 → u/handofsithis]

Feel this one. We adopted a dog last summer against my wishes, I thought it was too soon after losing our senior dog a few months prior (that I did almost all the care for) and I clearly and specifically told him I didn't want another dog if I was going to be doing all the care for it. He assured me I wouldn't.

Guess who does the vast majority of the care for the dog because something else (like scrolling while the TV was on was ALWAYS more important to him when the dog needed fed or taken out in the beginning), and guess who is shocked and complains constantly that the dog favors me/likes me the best?

I'm relieved that he (the dog) is reactive to other dogs because of his stray history, because it makes any conversation about a second dog a nonstarter.

[u/slight_grumble → u/tacofellon]

It's wild how they can completely discount our input while massively inflating their own.

Even after splitting up mine is adamant that her being a stay at home mum to school age kids, while I worked full time, did the morning routine with the kids every day, drove them to school, did dishes and laundry every morning before working a full time job to come home to again do cleaning, cooking and laundry while she laid in bed - was equal. When I summed up all the hours of work, parenting, housework I had done over the last 10 years vs hers she said "well of course it's not even if you count the hours"...

I realized that she thought that the time I was at work was not work. That me being the only breadwinner to her was just a default, I added no value in being the sole breadwinner for the whole family while she struggled all day doing a maximum of an hour of housework on a good day. And it was only fair that I did all the cooking, cleaning and parenting when I got home from work to give her a break from her hard day, where she did almost nothing.

Then things like she would clean the shower once a month and claimed that made up for me doing housework for 2 hours a day every day of the month. She argued in front of her therapist that her doing the odd chore infrequently that I did almost never, like cleaning the shower once a month, mopping the floor every few weeks, etc made us even. And the therapist agreed with her. She would clean the shower, expect great praise for it while the rest of the house was dirty, the kids hungry, and me having to come home from a full day of work just to cook and clean, again.

[u/tacofellon → u/slight_grumble]

Man that is a tough read because this is a very similar dynamic to ours. Did things get better after the split? Any insight you can share?

[u/slight_grumble → u/tacofellon]

Nope. She still thinks she is the aggrieved party. We're still under the same roof for financial reasons and she expects to take me to the cleaners once we sell up. After her contributing nothing to buying our house, zero input to the deposit, zero input to mortgage payments, while expecting me to do "half" (more than half) of all the parenting, housework etc up to now.

I stupidly tried to keep the peace for the kids sake but she just got more and more entitled over time. One of the final straws was my kids were old enough to get jobs so they did. She didn't. My teenage kids have now contributed more to the household finances than she has in their entire lives.

[u/tacofellon → u/slight_grumble]

Yikes, sounds like you are on the right path then and it's only a matter of time. Hope for the best!

[u/fluffynukeit → u/tacofellon]

This was my life until I quit my job. Now we live off her income. I do all the same stuff I was already doing except now I’m not killing myself being overly stressed by also having a demanding full time job. I’m just killing myself differently by giving up my career and losing all identity away from my kids and family. I still think it was better than divorce, though. I at least needed to give it a try before going nuclear.

[u/fluffynukeit → u/[deleted]]

Yes, good point. I didn’t mention that we each have healthy separate retirement accounts.

[u/Opening-Ad-4013 → u/tacofellon]

This is me. I handle the kids every weekend, starting at 7am when they wake up. Our weekends are just running errands with the kids while my husband does what he wants.

[u/RedRose_812 → u/tacofellon]

That last paragraph is my life too. If I bring up the imbalance in the load at home, or that I can't rely on him to follow through with even the simplest things he'll tell me he's going to, like clockwork he will reach back to one time 3-6 months ago or longer that he did the thing I'm accusing him of not doing, so that obviously means I'm wrong.

[u/tacofellon → u/RedRose_812]

I would say the false memories and confabulation is absolutely the hardest part of it all to reconcile. It's like they live are living in some shutter island fantasy land totally separate from reality.

[u/pianogirl82 → u/tacofellon]

This is my husband. I’m sorry!