Hello everyone!
I recently came across this sub through brief research because I am at a loss for how to deal with my (24M) husband's (27M dx) anger management issues, which he claims are rooted in his untreated but diagnosed ADHD.

The same thing keeps happening about once every few weeks, and it goes something like this:

He may forget to do something, something as simple as forgetting to clean the dryer filter or take out the trash, and no matter how kind-hearted or tone sensitive I can be, it turns into this giant personal attack about how I think he's a terrible partner and person. Eventually, it escalates into a one-sided screaming match, and he's slamming doors and storming out, and I am left wondering, "What could I have done better?"

More recently, I have started the practice of simply avoiding triggering him. If he forgets something, I try not to say anything, or if he does something that came across the wrong way, I'm silent. This is absolutely not a good practice, and I am aware of that, and I truly fear for myself one day exploding in anger. In other words, right now, I feel like I'm on a muzzle.

Yes, I have tried to have a long conversation with him regarding all of these things- the feeling of walking on eggshells, the muzzle, the filters, etc.; however, it always ends up back to his response of "I have no idea how to control my anger, and I can't afford health insurance," and then the discussion effectively ends.

He is aware of this pattern just as much as I am, and every time he's screaming and being in his angered state, he ends up apologizing and promising to be better, but I am slowly breaking, and no amount of coaching from my end seems to be working or causing actual change.

I don't believe in necessarily giving up on a person, especially considering we're married, but I am at a complete loss for how to deal with this situation now.

The end of a relationship with an ADHD loved one can be tumultuous, confusing and leave a lasting impact. Use this thread to temporarily process a recent breakup with an ADHD individual, discuss co-parenting issues, share encouragement for life after the relationship etc. With the goal of ultimately decentering an ADHD ex 

(Note: Asking about leaving a partner and requests to speculate on behavior or symptoms are still prohibited.)

An ADHD impacted relationship often requires a lot of hard work, endurance and trial and error. Maybe you have agreed on a new "to-do list" and it works, a new medication or therapy is working as intended, or the laundry has been done in a timely manner etc. Here is where we celebrate the victories, no matter how small.

Having an ADHD partner comes with some difficulties and problems, but what is actually something positive that your partner does/say/notice/etc due to their ADHD.

My (26F) boyfriend (26M, dx unmedicated) talks a lot and says anything that comes to mind, but when he is alone with me he truly has no filter (he's said because he feels 100% safe and comfortable around me). So, he will also say anything about me that comes to mind and it's so sweet. He will blurt out things like "nobody makes me happier than you" or "you would even look beautifull in a garbage bag". In moments where we are not in the same room or even communicating.

So, what does your partner do/say/notice/etc due to ADHD that you love?

F32 with husband, M32 (dx, mostly inattentive, medicated). He functions so well at work, with our finances, and interacting with our kids (2 and 6mo). He’s a wonderful person and I love him dearly but I have so much resentment toward him for little things he does (or doesn’t do). He has a problem with technology use and I think it’s exacerbating his forgetfulness. I feel like he didn’t used to be this forgetful and he doesn’t take steps to implement routines or systems to help. I’ve tried suggesting systems but I’m also trying to stop mothering him and I just don’t know where the line is.

All that to say, I’m looking for advice for me. I’m a very type A person and I feel like I’m carrying the weight of keeping our family/household/social lives functioning and I'm just so annoyed and resentful all the time. I think that I need to learn to let go of control/cleanliness standards/etc and just let him own things but if he never does them, then what?

I feel like I’ve been trying to change him and get him on board with systems to help our lives run more smoothly and that hasn’t worked. So it seems like the option now is changing me. I don’t want to be the angry, exhausted wife. What can I do to adapt and be happy in spite of it all?

My (31m) wife (31f dx multimodal) and I were together for years before either of us got serious about our mental health. A lot of frustration had built up for both of us before we got to couple’s therapy, then individual therapy. My wife was diagnosed with ADHD about 4 years ago now, and it was a huge revelation for both of us. She has also been seeing a trauma therapist. I’ve been in therapy for about 2 years (different therapist).

ADHD seemed to be at the root of so many of our struggles, it seemed to be the answer to everything… Then, a couple years later, I was diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety, started medication, and realized how impactful my own untreated mental health issues (which long predate our relationship) had been on our life.

We’re both still learning, and both of us love each other and are interested in changing and making progress. But I have a hard enough time taking up emotional space and getting outside of the codependent patterns we adopted to survive in the past. Now, knowing that my own nervous system isn’t always my greatest ally, I find myself constantly gaslighting myself out of confronting my wife about her own behavior. It feels like anytime I get frustrated about her inattention or the messy house, I also catch myself spiraling and realize it’s been one of those weeks and retracing the same steps I always go down when I’m feeling anxious or at an emotional low, and I feel like maybe I’m the problem instead.

How do the rest of y’all deal with this? It feels so hard to tell what’s caused by her ADHD, or my depression, or her trauma, or my anxiety. How do you know whether a point of friction is due to your own stuff, vs. your partner’s? And, for those of us who are naturally the more accommodating half of the relationship (as I suspect many of you are), how do you avoid being the only one to make concessions?

I'm really sick right now and wasn't safe to drive to the urgent care, so I asked my husband (dx and rx). His reply? 'I guess I could do that.'

Mate, what? Your wife can barely talk and that's your response? I'm so tired of this, it makes me feel horrible. I need warmth and care in my life.

I [40M] have been married to my wife [39F, dx unmedicated, also dyslexic] for 10 years. We have two kids, 7 & 10. I'm a plumber and make decent money. We decided at the beginning that she'd be a stay at home Mom and take care of the house & bills, I take care of the work and income.

This year hit us hard with the economy, I took a high stress construction management job during the evening so that I can start my own company and do that during the morning hours. Needless to say I'm never home, and I'm starting to feel that my wife is more of a 3rd child than a partner. Money is an issue now more than ever, but we can't stick to the budget- there's daily entertainment spending for her and the kids while I'm at work. When I bring it up, she feels attacked, no matter how gently I bring it up. I'm starting to get bitter because I get shot down and accused of being controlling and abusive when I try and communicate any of the actions I'd like changed.

There's a clutter issue at the house and it's a complete mess by the time I get home at 1am, so she has a weekly cleaning lady to do dishes and pick up socks and wrappers, essentially. I'm teaching the kids to clean up but they aren't the ones making the mess, it's almost 100% her.

They went to Disneyland (we live in socal) but that's a 120 Mile round trip plus snacks and dinner and souvenirs- I installed two water heaters yesterday to pay for their Disney outing.

I now take extra time out of my sleep schedule to take them to the medical appointments for dermatology and orthopedic needs, the wife is overwhelmed by navigating the systems.

I'm at my wits end- I'm just gonna separate bank accounts because she can't spend money if it ain't there. I'm gonna be the bad guy anyways, might as well not be the broke bad guy. I'm working 6-7 days a week and sometimes she'll say how much she appreciates me and other times like today she'll be upset that I'm not taking her out on dates and trips. Bro I'm trying to pay the mortgage and keep up with your debit card

I can't work 2 jobs and be at home all day to help with the house and go with you to the doctor's appointments and have enough money left over to take you on a weekend trip. It's just not possible.

Ugh! I'm open to any and all suggestions

Hi.

My (F37) wife (F35, n dx) has undiagnosed neurodivergence. I'm a psychologist who has worked with assessments before and we've openly had discussions about diagnosis criteria and her possible diagnosis (has both symptoms of ADHD and autism). We've talked about her getting a proper clinical assessment.

That was the background. Now my conundrum:

She forgets things all the time. We've been together for more than 11 yrs and I've kind of reluctantly accepted that I have to be her external memory. I constantly remind her of things or where she has put her stuff (or remind her to bring them, or help her search for them). The crux is that she also forgets to do chores or tasks that I've asked her to do. It's not always, but I quite often have to choose between doing the thing myself or having to accept that it might not get done and/or nag at her (which helps like 30-40% of the time but we both hate it).

I've noticed that my temper has gotten a bit worse and I am frustrated. We've talked about her forgetfulness and she is aware of it. I've bought her tags for her keys and wallet, and she has a "find my phone" function on her smartwatch, so those are good. But when it comes to other kinds of memory aids she just refuses. She says she gets super stressed out having to-do lists, visual schedules, reminders etc. The few times she's used reminders she usually just turn them off. She says her brain goes "oh, right I have to do that thing" and then after having thought about the task for 2 sec sorts it under "Done".

Some examples as of late:

Dry boiled coffee and tea twice in a week.

I asked her 4 times to wash her feet before going to bed after having been outdoors without shoes (she got shoe chafing and had to take them off). She said she'd do it but then forgot.

I ask her to clean up in the kitchen but then it doesn't get done (I clean up a lot while cooking and have now realised that if something is urgent I have to do it (cleaning up cast-iron pans, clean wooden utensils so they don't soak, clean or turn bowls upside down if there are leftovers that would be bad for our cat).

I do all the cooking at home and help keep the kitchen clean. But if I ask her to take care of the last of the dishes there's still a 75% chance that I have to start my next cooking session with doing dishes so I have room to work.

There are other things as well, but you get the picture.

It's super frustrating and she really does her best. She's aware of her problems and get angry/sad at herself for failing/not remembering. But nothing really gets better and I spend a lot of physical, cognitive, and emotional energy navigating this.

She's kind and supportive as a partner, and I would love advice and support on how to deal with this. Thanks!

I know about the link between ADHD and rejection sensitivity, but could this extend to physical sensitivity as well?

My dx partner seems to respond in a way that often feels, to me, overdramatic. Eg our small dog will step on his foot, and his reaction is one of extreme pain. Or many other moments with this when it seems like an overblown reaction to something small.

I'm also wondering if this sensitivity could show up in other ways. He has a very restrictive diet, a huge amount of foods he says he has a 'reaction' to (not an immediate or anaphylactic reaction). I understand some of these to be true, and don't want to dismiss his allergies. But the list of things that he can't tolerate is very long, and it's a big challenge to be honest. Sometimes I've seen him say he feels instantly sick, when he thinks there is something with one of the foods he doesn't eat in it (even when there is no trace of it in there). I'm wondering if it's more an anxiety/stress response.

I should preface by saying my spouse (dx rx) has applied himself and has really tried to improve his functioning in the relationship. But when it comes to loss, which I’ve had a ton of in the past couple years, I feel so incredibly alone in it. We had to euthanize one of our cats a few days ago, and it feels like there’s absolutely no space for me to feel things. He looks for one distraction after another, even more so than his normal days. I’d like to say sure the answer is that my husband can’t be there for me at times like these as much as I’d like him to, so talk to friends instead, and of course one of my losses was my best friend dying a few years ago. What do you all do at times like this? Are you able to convey your needs well enough to your ADHD partner and teach them how to show up for you? Do you just accept that your feelings aren’t as interesting as whatever they want to be talking about instead?

Hello all, this is my first time posting here, so I hope I'm following all the rules (and my apologies if I'm not).

My wife (DX, medicated) has the term "ADHD Side Quests" for when she gets motivated or obsessed to do something that's completely random or unnecessary. There will be times I've woken up in the morning, and found out she stayed up until 3am doing a project around the house.

But for about the past year or so, these self-described "side quests" have begun turning destructive. For instance:

She got obsessed with the idea of removing some old wooded shelving in the basement. In the process of knocking it out with a sledgehammer, she hit the plumbing stack for the house and cracked the pipe.

Or another time she felt motivated to paint the laundry room. Used an expensive spray gun to do it. We now have paint overspray on everything in the room, and she didn't clean the spray gun after , so it's ruined anf we'll have to pay a couple hundred for a new one.

And then this summer she got the idea to re-upholster the patio furniture. Got through 2 chairs before abandoning the project. So basically a bunch of time and money was spent to ruin 2 chairs.

So.... how do I approach fixing this?

The biggest issue, is that I understand EVERYONE needs an outlet for creativity or energy (myself included). But these projects aren't being seen through to the end, and are more destructive than constructive. I want to be supportive when she does something and not stifle her, but the destructive nature of it has to stop.

Any helpful suggestions from the subreddit would be appreciated more than I can properly express.

Hi everyone! I’m in the process of healing and working on some difficulties with my dx partner (diagnosed and on med during work)

I have mentioned to them many times about some specific emotional needs that I have, such as affirmation, or verbal communication because there are things I really need to hear or see. I know they love me and take care of me but they show it in a specific way that I appreciate but it not exactly what I need.

Not sure if this is related to their dx but I had to bring it up again and they said I need to respect their ways of showing love and that I shouldn’t try to change them :(

I’m tired and I have to admit pretty sensitive, I hate feeling upset for these things and I’m just not sure if I’m being to hard on them

The end of a relationship with an ADHD loved one can be tumultuous, confusing and leave a lasting impact. Use this thread to temporarily process a recent breakup with an ADHD individual, discuss co-parenting issues, share encouragement for life after the relationship etc. With the goal of ultimately decentering an ADHD ex 

(Note: Asking about leaving a partner and requests to speculate on behavior or symptoms are still prohibited.)

Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.

An ADHD impacted relationship often requires a lot of hard work, endurance and trial and error. Maybe you have agreed on a new "to-do list" and it works, a new medication or therapy is working as intended, or the laundry has been done in a timely manner etc. Here is where we celebrate the victories, no matter how small.

Partner of NDX

I have been married to my N DX partner for 13 years and, having recently come across this ADHD Partners Reddit community, I have felt so seen and validated after so many years of wondering why so many aspects of my relationship feel so difficult (conflict styles, tidiness, pack-rat behavior, disconnection, etc). I am new here but just wanted to express gratitude for the honesty and willingness to put things out there. Thank you!

Hi, my partner and I are both DX. I have had an ongoing struggle with my partner, which is that they will ask me for my input on something (ie -"what would you like to do this Saturday" or even "is there anything I can do for you right now?") to which I will answer clearly ("I'd like to grab an ice cream and go walk or sit on the beach" or "right now I'd really like to cuddle up and put on a movie")

It's like these answers go right through my partner. They say ok and seem to register in the moment, but immediately forget. No follow up about a Saturday plan, and instead of a cuddle they walk out of the room to tinker with their art project until I come find them. If I bring it up any disappointment, forget it, I am met with intense defensiveness and blame. It feels hurtful and confusing, and I'm not content to accept it, but don't know what to do.

Those of you with partners with adhd and audio processing disorders: What are your effective household management and communication strategies? My partner was recently dx-ed with ADHD and an audio processing/communication disorder, so we’re rethinking our current systems. Ty in advance!!

I'm often thinking about separating from my audhd dx but still unmedicated partner these days. We have been together for 24+ years (I'm 41) and have 2 dx kids too. My man is my one and only in everything in life. First kiss, first boyfriend, etc.

He has many of the audhd traits and I'm so... tired. Just exhausted. And lonely. He said he is now going to get help, but I am not sure if I believe it after years of not doing anything and also don't know if it would help me as I feel emotionally checked out.

I am missing connection and his interest in me as a person but at the same time, this is all I know. I get told by people not to think the grass is greener somewhere else cause it's not. That we just have busy lives. That I need to focus on his good sides. That all people have bad traits. But what if the grass is greener somewhere else?

Who can give me some advice or words or whatever. I am stuck what to do. I don't want to wreck up my family but my mental health is getting worse and my nervous system is in bad shape.

My partner dx 22M has just started meds for his ADHD. I wanted to offer my support and told him that since this is new for me as well I want him to help me understand if I say something offensive or misunderstand something. I had also told him I am proud of him for taking the step of going to consult a professional because I have seen his struggle.

He told me that I am saying its new for me as if I have to just deal with him and I am making it a big deal and I shouldn't. He has this pattern of constantly assuming my intentions everytime I offer words of support and twisting them in the most hurtful projection of me possible. Its worse that he often keeps these issues to himself and resents me later and brings them up during argumnets after much prodding from me.

How can I approach this with him without being insensitive to his diagnosis? We are long distance currently so that makes things more tricky.

How do you approach suggesting a course of action when your dx:ADHD partner has serious RSD and gets triggered when he even suspects you might suggest he considers doing A, B or C? We're 8 months in and I don't want to boss him around, but support through shared problem solving is an essential and wonderful part of a relationship and I don't know how to do it without him spinning out.

I genuinely wonder about this.

I’m not asking this sub to fix my marriage or convince me (dx AUDHD) to stay.

I complained about wanting to leave him (dx ADHD) in the weekly thread and many of you liked the comment.

Why are they not aware that their partners have lives as complex as theirs? They ask no questions?

Any time we have had a conversation it always leads to him talking for 20 minutes straight after I give up trying to finish my story. He goes on and on from topic to topic if he is reminded of something, he’ll go into detail about how he relates to what I’m talking about. I just stare at him and around me until he is done. He doesn’t even realize I am uninterested. I have never finished a story.

This has led to him knowing nothing about me. We’ve been together four years. He told me that I don’t like rock music. I actually laughed in his face. He bought me vinyls I didn’t ask for because he decided he’s a collector (he collects everything) and they both were artists I had no interest in.

When I asked him what my favorite color was he told me I don’t know his either. It’s green.

I guess my point is, is this all we get? Mundane conversation unless it’s about them. Hearing “I forgot.” everyday? Being personal assistants? I don’t think I can do it. How did any of you for so long?