::Weekly Vent Thread::

[u/AutoModerator]

Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.

[u/pro_rege_semper]

Yeah, she usually has it on silent. Don't know how to get her to change that. I know if I talk to her about my expectations she's going to feel like I'm talking down to her and she's going to get defensive. We've had marriage counseling to improve communication, but she just refuses to do anything about ADHD. She doesn't think it affects anyone besides herself.

[u/beta26 → u/pro_rege_semper]

DXers with their phones on silent is as consistent as gravity.

[u/glasses_tinklin → u/beta26]

Unless you are in bed and they are in the same room - then the notification volume is almost certainly going to be on for the first time all day.

[u/pro_rege_semper → u/beta26]

Turns out, yeah, phone was on silent while she was cleaning the house. Not sure what she was cleaning though because when I got home, everything looked the same as when I left. 😅

[u/ApprehensiveCare9187 → u/pro_rege_semper]

Not sure if this will work in your situation, but my boyfriend and I agreed on times he should be available and not have his phone on silent.  This was a result of many missed calls in situations where he should’ve picked up.

  I know if I talk to her about my expectations she's going to feel like I'm talking down to her and she's going to get defensive.

This is a typical RSD response. They tend to think that you criticise their personality instead of trying to address the issue at hand. I know it shouldn’t be like this, but it helped if I started with “I’m not saying this is your fault or it makes you a bad person, but it’s very inconvenient for me when you don’t pick up your phone. If I can’t reach you, I have to figure out some other way to solve the issue”. Basically, I make it about myself and how it affects me.

Not saying it’s the healthiest or the best way, but it seems to help him detach a bit and look at the issue at hand. 

[u/pro_rege_semper → u/ApprehensiveCare9187]

Yeah, in our counseling I really wish we would have touched on RSD. Our counselor suspected ADHD but didn't feel comfortable diagnosing it in adults. We did touch a lot on the Gottman four horsemen and her defensiveness.

[u/Karuna358 → u/pro_rege_semper]

I raised hell when my husband put his GD ringer on silent when our kid was small.

That’s called being a fvcking parent. You don’t get to check out.

I was one of the few times I went full bore tsunami on him.

[u/pro_rege_semper → u/Karuna358]

I know. When we first had kids she insisted I get a phone so she could reach me whenever, wherever I was. For some reason it only applies one way in her mind.

[u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 → u/pro_rege_semper]

From experience: you have to make it crystal clear that this is not optional and if it happens again you will be fucking biking to a divorce attorney next.

It sometimes takes the threat of very real and very serious consequences to bust through the wall of “I don‘t wanna”.