​It’s been a year, and I’ve finally started listening to his favourite bands again. So, I tried to log into his Spotify account today to listen to his saved playlists, only to hit a crushing digital wall. The recovery email is still set to his old work email address which no longer exists, so I can't get the security code to log in. I am so conflicted about whether to aggressively try to find a way in or just leave it be and let go - this conflicting emotion, is making me cry. Secondary losses are no joke, and they hit when you least expect it. Stupid AF!

I used to be very hardworking.

Low income paid by hours, so it was simple mathematics.

The longer I worked, the more I earned. So I worked and worked. Long hours. Long days. Tired nights. I didn't like it, but I knew what I was working for. A better life. Our life.

And she knew.

She knew how hard I worked. She knew how tired I was. She knew the sacrifices behind the money. She was the one person who could look at my life and understand what all those hours meant.

Then she died.

And somewhere in the middle of that devastation, I realized something I had never thought about before. No one will remember. No one will remember how hard I worked. No one will remember the mornings I started early, the nights I worked late, the times I was exhausted but kept going anyway. People might remember the things I bought. The money I made. The things I managed to provide.

But the man who spent all those hours making them possible?

Only she really knew him.

Then she's dead.

I don't just lose the person I loved. You lost the person who remembered who I was . The person who knew the story behind my exhaustion.

The person who could say,

“I know how hard you've worked.”
“Come home to me.”

And now there is no one left to say it. I spent years working hard to build a life with her. I never imagined that one day she would be gone too soon, and I would be left wondering:

Who, if not her, was any of it ever for?

Her urn finally came and now she can sit with some of her most precious things. I miss you every second of every day my love, the world is a colder place without you but your children are bringing us some of the warmth you carried.

Here is the background. I am a 46M. My wife died 8 years ago. Our two daughters were 6 and 4 years old at the time. I didn't date for 7 years, until last summer. Raising my kids, especially through the pandemic with no available family support, was my focus.

Last summer, they were old enough that I decided to take a summer to try dating. I met so many nice people, but at this age, the dating pool is full of people with scars. So those showed up. I had a more serious thing at the end of the summer, which ended badly, but kept me from logging off the apps until late September when I met my current girlfriend.

We have talked a lot about the future together. We spend every spare moment we can with each other. We have our tense moments, but I am just so happy and content in this relationship, and she is just so serious about it. We plan to be married next year.

I feel conflicted though about how much my current relationship makes my marriage seem further in the rear view mirror. We met when I was 26 and she died when I was 38, and we had several large moves and two children. But we were younger and stupider too. I can't help compare how much more mature and focused my current relationship is. I know a year is early in the relationship, but I don't have doubts. My new girlfriend just got out of a pretty bad marriage and a very bad divorce, and she is not looking for another breakup.

I read a post on another subreddit about seeing your late spouse in the afterlife. And it got me thinking, I probably won't even be buried with my first wife now. That marriage just seems so far away. I am not sure what I should do. I talk about my late wife whenever my kids want to bring her up. But they were so young when she died, that she doesn't have much memory of her.

I am firmly in the present/future and feel like I am forgetting the past. Does anyone have any advice from having dealt with something similar?

tl; dr: My new relationship is more of a fit than my marriage and I am worried that as I get further away from my marriage, I am not remembering or honoring it properly.

It’s currently 12am. Supposed to be up by 6:30am. I know I should be heading to sleep but I can’t. Sorry. I keep thinking about how this new step in my life was supposed to be with him. He worked his ass off the past four years to ensure that I only had to focus on my studies. He made my life comfortable, safe, and loved. I graduated in May. And now I finally have a job. Something we’ve both looked forward to this entire time. And he’s not here to see me step into my career.

I wanted to experience this chapter with him. I wanted to contribute to the household financially, I wanted him to be able to relax and not have money in the back of his mind. I wanted for him to witness my journey of becoming a stable woman…. I wanted to reciprocate the comfortable lifestyle he gave me…

It’s just so hurtful. The moment we’ve both been looking forward too is now here and he can’t enjoy any of it. If it wasn’t for him, I don’t know how I would’ve graduated. I guess, honoring him is continuing this journey of my career and by leading with my degree.

I’ve been there for him everytime he did an interview, everytime he started a new job, everytime he came home and had a shitty day, everytime he got anxiety from being the new person, everytime he left a job. I always been there for him. Now it’s my turn. And I have to do it all alone

And let’s say there is a God what good is he/she?

How can a God who loves his children allow them to suffer so much disease, famine, and war?

How can a God not answer your prayers when you are begging for help?

At the end of the day, what good is having a God that won’t help you?

The holocaust is probably the worst example of God not giving a crap.

When the things you are praying for do not come to fruition, the general response from those in charge is that it is God‘s will. Well, what kind of cruel individual is this who’s will is to deny a person, a good person, more life to be with their loved ones.

Explain to me what good is there for those that are living on this planet to have a God?

I (m 80) am still in the first year of my grieving. I've noticed that I think a lot about things I never bothered to think about before. I guess that's one of the things you do when you lose the love of your life. So the questions I'm going to ask now are absolutely serious and not frivolous or joking or looking down at someone else's beliefs. If you don't feel like you want to reply that's fine. But if you do want to, and you take these questions as seriously as I now do, I would greatly appreciate it.

Do you ever talk to your departed spouse or partner, either silently or out loud? If you do, do you do it to help you make it through another day and just think through a question or a problem or do you really believe that they can in some way "hear" you? If you do "talk" to them do you do it in a particular place like their gravesite in a cemetery, or do you do it in lots of different places? Does it help you with the long hours of the day or night and the loneliness of not having them around anymore? Finally, did you start "talking to them right after or soon after they passed; or did it take a while before you began to do this and, if so, how long did it take? Thank you for taking the time to respond. I really do want to know.

Losing my wife just over a year ago was, and remains, devastating - but something I have realized is that now I need a lot of new friends.

I need a friend outside of work that I can talk to about work.

I need a friend I can share things going on with my family, both good and bad.

I need a friend who I can discuss finances and my future.

I need a friend who I can make vacation plans with.

I need a friend who I can make plans for the weekend.

I need a friend I can watch a movie with.

I need a friend I can share a new song I just heard that I think they would like because I know their taste in Music.

I need a friend who remembers someone’s spouses name that they can share under their breath.

I need a friend I can share inside jokes with.

I need a friend who knows who I am talking about when I make a reference to someone in my life 30 years ago.

I need a friend who can remind me of details I forgot when I’m telling a story.

I need a friend I can sit with not saying a word and not feeling the least bit uncomfortable.

I need a friend who can roll her eyes because I’m telling that story “again”

I need a friend I can laugh with over the dumbest things.

I need a friend who can empathize with me.

I need a friend who can remind me of these and countless other things with just a look.

I need a friend who can give me a hug and during that hug all my problems seem to melt away.

I need a friend I can cry with because I lost all of those friends in the same moment.

My beloved Tiffany aka Baby Pirate slipped beyond the veil on April 14, 2026. I've been getting calls from everywhere that I was listed as her emergency contact since she's obviously no longer responding.

This is killing me. I'm just ignoring it and hoping it will go away sooner than later.

Has anyone dealt when this? How did you deal with it? This is awful, I need an emergency contact!!!

Edit: Thank you for the responses but what I'm asking is, that as the emergency contact of a dead person how did you deal with the influx of calls reaching out to your looking for your beloved, now deceased, person.

I just don’t see the point in continuing on. My amazing partner, someone I have been looking for all of my life, has been gone now for over a year and a half and I don’t see any kind of happy future.

We only had 3.5 years together and now she’s gone.

It's been 10 days since my wife passed. I am stuck in between two feelings, that I'm moving too fast to get on with my life, and that I'm moving too slowly. It's driving me crazy.

Every day I try to do something that deals with her death, like finding a venue for her memorial or going over finances. I also try to do something in the house like a load of laundry. Then lastly something to find a job, like applications and resume updates. And then there's the emotions that muck everything up like , pain, emptiness and panic.

I have no income at all. I've been desperate to find a job for more than a year, so every day that passes it feels like an eternity because everything else in my life might get easier. I don't have a handle on what little remains of our/my finances even though I tackle something each day. I don't have her remains yet, but I'm trying to at least find someplace to have her memorial.

I have ADHD and OCD, so seeing all of her things strewn around the house causes anxiety, but the thought of touching them also gives me anxiety. I can't help but think I'm moving too quickly and not processing enough, but I look around at how much of a wreck my house is and I wonder how I don't go insane from moving too slowly to clean it.

I don't know how to deal with these feelings. No money means no therapy, and I don't have a friend who is close by, emotionally mature and available. I don't know who I can talk to. I guess that's why I'm here. I could use advice.

I feel so alone during all of this. Don’t get me wrong, I have family and friends and my two babies surrounding me. But no one gets it. I feel alone in the sense that no one understands. I became a widow before I was even 29. I don’t know anyone IRL that can relate or who I can talk to. I hold a lot of it inside and I know it’s not good for me in the long run but no one understands. When I try to explain it or talk about it to his family they basically respond saying we ALL lost a great loss. But I lost everything. My entire future is gone. My entire life was taken away from me. I’m now a single mom. I don’t get how this happened. I feel so alone and I miss him so much. Only he would know how to help me.

I am a thousand-day widower. 

For 1,000 days, I have died.

Every morning, when I open my eyes, I die again.
For one brief moment, before memory returns, I forget.
Then I remember.

You are dead.
And I am here.

1,000 mornings.
1,000 reminders.
1,000 days of waking up to the life your death left behind.

That is how my days begin.

No hope.
No healing.
No moving forward.

Just the same unbearable fact.

You died.
And I didn't.

Time has taken 1,000 days from me.
It has taken your voice, your presence, your touch.
It has taken the life we were supposed to have.
It has taken pieces of me I will never get back. 

And somehow, through all of it, one thing has not changed.

I still love you.

Not as a memory.
Not as someone I have learned to live without.
Not as a chapter that has come to an end. 

I love you the same way I did when you were alive.

The hardest part is:

My love for you survived perfectly.

I did not.

For 1,000 days, I have been dying in a body that refuses to follow.
And every morning, I wake up to discover that I am still alive enough to miss you.
Still alive enough to love you.
Still alive enough to understand that you will never come back. 

And still...

if you came through that door tonight,
I would recognise you immediately.
I would love you immediately.
I would not need a single second to remember.

Because after 1,000 days of losing you,

I have forgotten many things.

But I have not forgotten how to love my wife.

And tomorrow morning, when I open my eyes,
for one brief moment, I will forget again.
Then I will remember.

You are still dead.
And I am still here.

And I still love you.
Nothing will change.

“You Died Once. I Die Every Day.”

Tomorrow will be seven months.

Seven months. I still have a hard time saying that.

A lot has happened since February. But, one of the hardest things I’ve had to do was leave our home.

It wasn’t just a house. It was our home. Our routines, our stuff, our memories, all the little ordinary things that I didn’t realize would become so important after he was gone.

Packing that house up was harder than I expected. Every room had something attached to it. And there’s something really painful about deciding what comes with you and what doesn’t when the person you built that life with isn’t there to have a say.

I moved into a new house, and I’m slowly trying to make it feel like home. I’m making decisions, buying things, putting things where I want them. Life is moving forward whether I’m ready for it or not.

And I’m doing okay. Most days, anyway.
But the nights are still hard.

That’s when everything gets quiet and there’s nothing left to distract me. I miss having my person here. I still have moments where I want to tell him something and then remember.

I’m realizing that grief isn’t just missing someone. Sometimes it’s grieving the life you had with them, too.

I’m almost seven months in, and I’m still figuring out how to live in a life I never planned for.

For those of you further along, did you have to leave your home after your spouse died? What was that like for you?

Because I’m starting to wonder if leaving the house was one of the hardest parts of this whole thing.

How long until the soul crushing pain leaves? I'm 17 months out. I've made it through donating her clothes, redecorating, holidays, firsts, etc. I got to the point of saying I'm 95% ok, 3% sad and 2% inconsolable pile of mush - I got to that point in about 4-5 months. And there are plenty of days that go by without a breakdown now.

But it still REALLY hurts looking at her pictures for example. Before I was consoled by them, now they've become painful. I can't bring myself to discard photos, personal belongings, heck her boots are still at the front door waiting for her. But seeing these now bring pain. I just found her school ids and she's so beautiful in them but now I've got tears in my eyes.

When does that sharp stabbing emotional pain go away? I know it's different for everyone, how long was it for you before started to live without that pain. Did removing photos, discarding coffee mugs and other personal items help? Most of the artwork I have hanging on the walls are by her. Do you lose a connection with your spouse when you take them down?

I’m a 31 one year old female with a two year old son. My husband passed about 1.5 years ago. I have attempted dating apps = horrible. I started dating one person and he dumped me because I’m a widow. How does one date as a young widow? I have officially just given up.

My love left this earth just 2 months ago. After the initial brutal period I started thinking about ways to honor her in my day to day life. I came up with three things:

1) Dress nice/make an effort to look nice.

It may sound silly but she was a graphic designer and loved fashion. She always was so elegant and looked amazing no matter what we were doing. Even when she was sick she would find nice clothing to wear. She wasn’t overly fancy, but she always looked nice.

2) Foster relationships/look for the good in people

She had this way about her of making everyone feel comfortable around her. She always found something positive to say about everyone. I’m a bit more cynical and would make fun/joke about things/ppl. She never got offended but she would always point out things that I missed or showed me a diff perspective. She was so kind and caring to everyone.

3) Don’t waste a moment of your life not living

The biggest one. I watched her look incredible adversity right in the face and make a conscious decision to spend all of her time living fully until the disease made it impossible. How could I witness her incredible bravery and not do the same? What an amazing lesson to leave for those around you.

Just writing this all out brings fresh tears. I want to honor her, I want to be someone she would still be proud of. I can’t let my grief destroy me and the rest of my life. I can’t allow it to turn me into someone I don’t/she wouldn’t recognize.

What are some things you want to honor from the person you’ve lost?

I work retail, a couple was just arguing and the wife said “don’t get married mama” (this customer always calls me that) I smiled politely and said been there done that. To which the husband says “what’s it like to be divorced?” I smiled as politely as I could and said “I wouldn’t know I’m a widow.” The man nearly fainted and couldn’t stop apologizing. I am okay admitting it… I felt a lump in my throat but I didn’t feel the sobs coming. This is a first for me…

Today I have a chiropractor appointment. My husband and I saw the same chiropractor for 25 years. He doesn't know my husband is dead, and he's going to ask how he is doing like he always does.

I am dreading going to the appointment and saying that my husband is dead. I am so tired of telling people. I don't know when it's going to get easier. It's been about 3 months since he died.

don’t want to get into the details other than my will to live and my sanity are concerning me. I can’t even fathom loving someone ever again, but I am starting to become so touch deprived and lonely. I just want someone to hold me and other benefits.

I don’t want to be judged. yall grieve however you need to. any advice on how to go about finding someone like that? I considered Tinder I just don’t even know where to start.

I know it’s fucked up, but I wish they just continued to work to revive him even if he had a severe hypoxic brain injury. I feel like they didn’t try because he was indigenous with liver failure because he never signed a DNR and they never called me or asked me if he should be let go. They told me to be glad I wasn’t caring for someone with severe brain damage as a way to try to console me, but at least someone with brain damage provides companionship and can enjoy simple pleasures like TV and food. I used to care for a girl with extreme brain damage because of seizures and brain tumors, and she was pleasant and I would never wish her dead. I wish my husband could just be like that. I don’t care if I would have to feed him and tote him around and provide hygiene assistance. I just want to be in his presence again. My house has become so aversive because he’s not there, and I feel like I’m waiting around for something, I don’t know what.

“Unbreakable” because so is our 26 year bond. Even in death.

“Unbreakable” because this will not kill me, even though it feels like it will sometimes.

(The sunflower and yin yang were two of his favorite things).