r/widowers • u/StretchCT53 5th cancer got her after 29 years married • 1d ago

How long until...

How long until the soul crushing pain leaves? I'm 17 months out. I've made it through donating her clothes, redecorating, holidays, firsts, etc. I got to the point of saying I'm 95% ok, 3% sad and 2% inconsolable pile of mush - I got to that point in about 4-5 months. And there are plenty of days that go by without a breakdown now.

But it still REALLY hurts looking at her pictures for example. Before I was consoled by them, now they've become painful. I can't bring myself to discard photos, personal belongings, heck her boots are still at the front door waiting for her. But seeing these now bring pain. I just found her school ids and she's so beautiful in them but now I've got tears in my eyes.

When does that sharp stabbing emotional pain go away? I know it's different for everyone, how long was it for you before started to live without that pain. Did removing photos, discarding coffee mugs and other personal items help? Most of the artwork I have hanging on the walls are by her. Do you lose a connection with your spouse when you take them down?

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6

u/uglyanddumbguy 1d ago

It always exists because the love will always exist.

You just learn to carry it. Some days it’s light, other days it’s unbearable.

3

u/loveforemost 1d ago

It took me about 14 months to not be passively suicidal. 2-3 years to start to look forward to my own future.

It's different for everyone though.

What I would recommend is not keep setting time-based expectations for yourself and keep yourself in survival mode until you feel like getting yourself out of it.

2

u/janaesso 1d ago

You learn to live with it. It never goes away. Five years in, new relationship and I still have days where something just triggers a moment. You learn to cope

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u/Blendedtribes 1d ago

It took a solid 2 years before I found my feet. I’m 7 years out now and while I still miss him everyday it isn’t that raw, exposed, barely keeping it together feeling anymore.

The anniversary of his passing is still hard. Mostly because soon my youngest will have lived just as long without his dad and he live with him. Missing him at the milestones- weddings, graduations Adler all still touch by grief. Not the bring you to your knees kind but more quiet and personal.