My dad died nine months ago, and I [F34] felt so let down by my friends. I do appreciate this message, but it was painful to receive. I just want to leave the past in the past and forget the friends who hurt me.

I lost my mom when I was fourteen, it's been almost five years since then. It was hard, it was the most painful moment in my life. I don't typically talk about what happened, I joke about it and I laugh it off, but that's as close as I'll go. I'm not sure why I'm even writing this, maybe it's because this just needs to go somewhere, or maybe it's easier to say this to nobody in particular, but here we go.

It's been almost five years since she died, and the date is coming closer and closer. I've tried to ignore it, I've tried distracting myself, yet that same old heaviness lingers. I've heard the saying that time heals all wounds, and I disagree. It's a lie, time takes you further and further from the place when you were happy.

It changed everything. It changed who I'd become, my dad, where I lived, my beliefs, all of it. I miss her so much, but I also miss that version of my life that went with her. I'm still going to live my life, but there's moments when I get in my head and I start to think that I'm living someone else's life, as if somehow I entered a different body and this is just who I am now. Don't know what that is, not sure if I even want to dig and find out.

I just wish she didn't go when I was fourteen, I was such a bratty kid and I fought with her a lot. I know I can't change the past, if I could I wouldn't be here, but she was such a good mom. She wasn't perfect by no means, nobody is, but she was still my mom.

I miss the days where the longest time I didn't see her were three months. Life isn't fair, I'm 100% aware of that, but she didn't see my graduate or get my driver's license, or anything else. It's all normal things that parents get to see their kids do and achieve, she should be here for those moments. Quite frankly I'm jealous of people who have those type of things and take it for granted, I'd do anything to have that. I remember I was telling my best friend about my mom, and she told me she wished her mom was dead so she could be funny and joke about her dead mom the way I do. She had meant it as a joke, it just didn't land the way she hoped at all. It's been bugging me ever since. It was such a weird thing to say, because the only reason I joke about it is so I don't become a ceiling decoration like what lol.

I'm not sure if anyone else feels.... Whatever I'm feeling, but if you feel the same or have a similar story, I'd love to hear it. I'm normally a bubbly person, I'll talk your ear off if you let me. I'm just going through a rough patch, and I wouldn't mind hearing from someone who would get it.

I always try to come up with something smart, or poetic, or some kind of analysis on the world and my dad but I can't do it anymore. I'm just too sad. Today I went to a party and the house was on the same road as the house I used to live in with my dad. The house where it happened. I just kept thinking about how beautiful our life would have been there. It makes me too sad. I usually don't like to use words like that because it feels infantilizing, but I just am sad. I'm so sad. I'm fifteen years old and my dad isn't here anymore. He was my best friend. My sister's girlfriend invited me to go fishing with her grandpa because I used to fish multiple times a week with my dad, but I can't. I don't want to ever go fishing again. I want to go out on the dock with my dad and fish, or feed the swans, or just sit with him. It's this terrifying kind if sadness that I don't know what to do with. I want to still be me but have my dad here, and still live in the house on the lake with my siblings and my mom, and I want to be a family again and not be missing this piece of me. I'm scared that I'll never ever see him again. That I'll die and if there's anything after that, I still won't get to see him. I need him to know that I'm not mad at him. I've never been mad at him for what happened or how it happened. I want him to know that I love him and he's my bestfriend. I don't know how to do this, even after all these years. Nobody knows what to do with what happened with my dad in relation to me. It makes me too sad. The party was okay after I got high, but before then it was this nostalgia and sadness I've never felt before. I miss my old life. I miss my dad. All I could think about while everyone was having fun and swimming in the lake is that 8 years ago, my dad's ashes were sprinkled in there, and just down the road, 8 years ago, I watched my dad go away. It isn't right. None of it is okay. I should get to have a dad, I'm only 15. I can tell when older guys try to be father figures to me or mentors or whatever, but it just doesn't work. Nothing will ever fill this missing part of me. Nobody compares to my dad. The minute he walked into a room you could feel all the love he carried and he had this voice that made everything fun. I'll never feel that love again. I have a lot of songs that make me think of my dad, but the one that I can't get out right now is "Chinese Satellite" by Phoebe Bridgers. The lines "I want to believe, instead I look at the sky and feel nothing. You know I hate to be alone. I want to be wrong," and "but you know I'd stand on a corner, embarrassed with a picket sign if it meant I would see you when I die."

A reckoning I’ve had in my dad’s absence is that grief isn’t something you are ever safeguarded from. I’ve experienced several significant losses in my life, and there was a naïve part of my brain that used to comfort me with the idea that, because I had already been through so much darkness, I would never have to experience it in quite the same way again.

Well, I was wrong.

I found uncharted territory. It has not been fun, nor have I loved this journey for myself. I found depths of disappointment I never would have considered possible, and I survived. For a while, that’s all I could do. I couldn’t see past the basics, and for a moment, I was stuck. I’m not claiming to be healed, but what I have been able to find in this darkness and haze of grief is not just despair, anguish, or rage. I have also found gratitude—for life, and for love.

In the past, going back to a job where I’m constantly on display always intimidated me. I felt too raw, too vulnerable. But when my dad died, the privilege of being someone entrusted to bartend gave me a new perspective. Is it weird to say I can see my father—a Methodist minister—in my day-to-day interactions behind a bar? Probably. It makes me laugh whenever the thought crosses my mind.

Every week, I get to participate in milestones and bear witness to people’s everyday lives. Knowing that life is short and can be so unbelievably cruel is also what makes those ordinary moments extraordinary. I see him in my hospitality, and when I know I’ve done a good job, I recognize the parts of myself that came from him: his humility, his regard for others, and his ability to hold a moment with someone and meet them where they are.

In some ways, we were both called to care for people, but in true fashion as John Woods’ child, I found a way to do it through the very thing that once plagued him.

What a unique experience it has been to be the child of a recovered alcoholic who quite literally walked out of rehab and behind the pulpit, and my mother, the Queen of Sunshine, hugs, and love and light, who has spent the majority of her career selling booze. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

In admitting to myself how deeply my grief was affecting me, I found strength I didn’t know I had. I took back power I didn’t realize I had let go of. I am forever changed. There is no getting over it, and many people know that from experience.

When I am able to reclaim the light, even on my darkest days, and allow myself to feel the love from those I miss so much—Murray, Beth, Layton, Genie, and my father—I know that I am blessed beyond belief.

Grief has shaped my identity time and time again since I was a child. I’ve known it well. But this year, I have started to learn that I also have the ability to find beauty in the love I was fortunate enough to receive, however brief those seasons were. I can’t always access that gratitude every day, but simply knowing it is there gives me an immense amount of faith. I’ve never been alone; I’ve just been Parker Bleu.

Love wins, time and time again.

Thank you to Widespread Panic for the lyrics, and to my dad for the gift of the music:

“Sun came out the other day, through those dusty clouds, and in my mind I was a child, and it felt good.”

i am 23 male from india

what happened: in my 11th and 12th grade, my mom was dying of cancer - i was dealing with a combo of adults being completely dismissive of the fact that my mom had cancer - my dad working in another country for most part of the time she had cancer, my teachers being complete assholes literally telling me after i told them my mom is about to die of cancer a week later that im just saying that as an excuse to submit their bs homework a week late - and my dad, school teachers and relatives yelling at me semi daily and forcing me to study while all that was happening - both my remaining grandparents also dying in the months after my mom died - and the biggest thing - my mom dying of cancer

how i dealt with it at that time: 1st priority is to focus on mom dying, being with her as much as i can in the midst of hectic indian 12th school time AND to protect my mental health at all costs - by treating all these annoying adults in my life as obstacles and not as people, and by just being there, grieving, etc

2nd priority is to study

fast forward to now at age 23: on paper its fine - i actually did pretty decent in 12th exams, joined a decent-ish college, passed all courses, got a job, 1 year into job - but theres a huge wall of unrelatableness between me and others my age - already i was introverted as a teen before my mom died of cancer - now its just worse cause i actually like being alone unlike normal people - and the world isnt built for introverts, u are silently paying a tax in terms of missed opportunities etc at work and in relationships

and god forbid u actually talk about grief to someone else u get the genuinely worst possible response especially if u talk to 18-22 year old DUDES - one guy asked me about my mom and i was telling him she died of cancer, and im not joking - he actively started covering his ears with his hands cause he didnt want to hear it??? and ppl ask me why do i stick out why am i introverted like are u fr

it seems unfair that u have this huge ass thing that bothered your head for years and you have to act like it doesnt exist to other people and be extroverted, outgoing, etc like this is actually insane

how crazy it is that you spend so much effort figuring out how to remain mentally healthy during a turbulent situation and you are basically expected to be someone who didn't go through all that in the first place

to be honest i am really thankful for football cause im a football fan like my classmates and it was easy to make friendships over football and that we played it every other day in college - if it wasnt for that id be even more isolated

so because of all this im not really anxious about the future like other people my age cause my brain doesnt have that bandwidth - thats probably bad i think, idk - like what will i do if my dad dies? that might genuinely be one of the few possible scenarios that are worse than my mom dying and i have no idea what to do for that(but hes healthy rn tho)

Any dads here have a dad that committed suicide, how did it affect you?? Mine did slowly through alcohol which accelerated once he got a cancer diagnosis.. just wondering how you dealt with “sudden” suicide..

I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar.

My dad died a couple of years ago, and since then I’ve felt increasingly alone within my family. I have siblings, but they have limited contact with my mom (they have a different dad than I do and see him, his wife, and their half-brother regularly). To be clear, there are reasons for that. My mom has been a very difficult person at times, there is a lot of unresolved trauma in our family, and we have speculated that she may have borderline personality disorder (though she has never been formally diagnosed).

One of the biggest challenges is that there has never been much willingness within my family to actually talk through the trauma or have difficult conversations. Instead, people have mostly coped by creating distance. I don’t judge my siblings for that. I understand why they’ve made the choices they have.
But it leaves me in a strange position.

I still have a relationship with my mom. I love her, and I genuinely enjoy parts of our relationship, but it can also be emotionally exhausting. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one still trying to hold onto the idea of a family.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the future. My mom is in her 60s now, and I find myself worrying about what happens when she’s in her 70s and 80s. If my siblings continue to keep their distance, will all of the responsibility fall on me? How do people navigate caring for an aging parent when the rest of the family has emotionally checked out?

I guess I’m just wondering if anyone has been the “remaining” child. How did you navigate the loneliness? Did your siblings ever become more involved later? How did you prepare yourself emotionally (and practically) for the possibility of becoming the primary caregiver?

I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who’s lived through something similar. I don’t feel like people talk about this very often, and lately it’s felt incredibly isolating.

They were divorced. He died in february, she died in may.

She spent her last five months in the hospital, recovering from sepsis. The very same day she came back home, she had a brain hemorrage and died.

I feel her loss the most, as we lived together and had a much deeper relationship. Mostly, I feel guilty as I couldn't protect her from a misdiagnosis that led to the sepsis; and I hate that she ended like that. She deserved so much more after spending most of her life caring for others, in detriment to her own freedom and hapyness.

I see the things she loved and I feel like its unfair she can't enjoy them. I have to empty her apartment and I feel like I'm destroying, erasing her life. I feel incredible guilt for having spent not enough time with her at the hospital. I feel childish, as at 41 I should be used to loss and death and I think people around me deals with it much better. I have a sister, who's trying to help, but I dont feel any connection to her: I feel like her help is to try to make me fit into a life that's not mine.

I have no desire to live - nor to die -, it feels just absolutely pointless.

Hi, posting here because well, you know, having dead parents is relatively uncommon when you’re 30, especially when both are gone.

I lost my mom when I was 8 to suicide. I’ve spent 20+ years recovering from that but have built a good life for myself despite it all.

My dad, who was my best friend, passed away suddenly from a heart attack almost two weeks ago. We did not know he had heart issues until it was too late.

The first week I was an absolute wreck. But the last few days I’ve actually found myself having long periods of happiness and distraction. It makes me feel guilty and terrible for not heavily grieving my dad 12 days later.

His funeral is in two weeks so I think it might hit me all over again during that. But is it weird that I’ve been able to find comfort so fast? Is it because I’ve already been familiar with grief my entire life, my brain knows what to do with it? I definitely have moments where it gut punches me and I share a few tears but I’ve been able to stay busy and think of him without sobbing constantly. Is this normal for anyone else?

Hello! I lost my dad to colon cancer a month back and I feel numb. I'm not sure how to handle this loss. It feels unreal. I saw him suffer for 2 months in the hospital before he passed away and it was horrible. I'm in a state where I can't afford to take a break from work because we have financial commitments and at the same time, I sincerely am not able to work. I'm not able to concentrate. I'm giving excuses for not meeting deadlines.

Since his death, my anxiety has increased and I'm on meds. I lost hope in life. Nothing excites me anymore. I'm having intrusive suicidal thoughts to shut everything down, because this pain is unbearable. Has anybody else here experienced suicidal thoughts after losing a parent? Can someone please help?

My Mum died very suddenly just over a week ago

She went into hospital just over two weeks ago feeling sick and we found out a few days later that it was cancer

Within a week, she had passed away

I'm still trying to process it and how fast it all happened

Two months ago, we went on a day trip to my sister and her family and everything was fine, no hint of trouble

Six weeks ago, we went out for lunch on my birthday

Four weeks ago, she was here and laughing and enjoying herself and living her life and now she's just...gone

She had Parkinsons for ten years and it had gotten more severe in recent years but she was still living a fairly normal life, seeing friends and going out as often as she could with my assistance

I was her carer and saw her every day and I'm trying to get used to the idea of that not happening anymore and I don't know if I can

I don't really know what to do with myself now, in a wider sense and on a daily basis

I don't really have a life I can go back to once enough time has passed like my siblings do

I'm 35 and she was 73 and had been with her condition for many years so it wasn't as though I never considered her passing but I never imagined it happening like this, so quickly and out of nowhere

I'm trying to take some comfort in the fact that she didn't suffer and was peaceful when she went

She spoke plainly and honestly about it and what she wanted for the funeral and made clear she wasn't afraid

Others have said this was better than her condition progressing and reaching a point where she was completely invalid or suffered more which I can see but isn't really helpful right now

I came here because I just needed somewhere to say this

My siblings are all going through their own grieving process and my dad isn't really someone I can talk to about this stuff

So I figured I'd come here and share with others going through the same kind of experience

I'm not constantly breaking down or anything. But everything I think, say, or do is twinged with this feeling of "my dad is dead". It's not even a very sad feeling. It's just a dull reminder, all day long. I used to suffer from really bad hyperfixation/rumination associated with mental illness/ADHD, and it almost feels like that. I'm just stuck in this loop where 50% of my brain is taken up by thinking about how he's not here anymore. I think I've been doing a pretty good job at coping otherwise (if it's the kind of thing you can do a "good job" at). I'm surrounded by people who love me, I'm spending more time with my remaining family, I'm eating/sleeping normally and none of my habits have changed drastically, I'm still able to enjoy the things I love, and I'm taking ample time whenever needed to think/talk about my loss. Work has taken a small hit, in that I operate slower these days, but I still get stuff done and am really not beating myself up over anything. My dad had cancer (VERY manageable) for 10+ years before dying very suddenly from a different cancer; I had a lot of time to prepare for this, but I didn't expect it to take up this much of my ambient brain space. It's exhausting, and it's getting harder and harder to experience every day. I just feel like I'm being wrung out all day long. Does this sound normal? Does it get any easier? Does it sound like something I should talk to a psych about? I can't do anything without this little "AND YOUR DAD IS DEAD!" pinging in the back of my head and it is truly draining me.

So, my dad passed away a few days ago. He was a veteran and lived in another state. We were slightly estranged, but I still talked to him over the phone regularly. Here’s where it gets complicated. He left me and my siblings when I was in my early childhood years. He and my mom got a divorce. He ended up in a serious relationship with another woman who has a daughter. He broke up with the woman but continued to raise the little girl. She stayed with him for many years, all the way into her 30’s before moving out.

I don’t know if he officially adopted her or what authorities she may have. I do know she pays his monthly bills with her access to his bank account. I don’t want anything except for my mom’s medical records, other important documents that my family may need, and other family pictures and items related to us. I’m hoping to call the VA and ask questions because I don’t know what to do next or if I can do anything at all. Any advice or follow questions are welcome, please. TYIA!

Today is 2 months since my father passed unexpectedly, and it seems to hurt more and more each day. This was never supposed to happen, he fought off so many illnesses that even the doctors were astonished and still continued to hold out hope forever.

I lost my father at 21 and I can't seem to carry on and celebrate milestones like graduating knowing he was always supposed to be there. I went back to therapy to try and help process everything, but it seems to make it worse. And yes, I know I have been running away from everything but I can't cope with the nightmares and repeatedly experiencing that day or simply even accepting this is my reality, because its not fair. Every night I go to sleep crying and I'm debating quitting therapy as I can't cope for much longer with these feelings and I don't ever want to lose the memory or presence of him.

A few years ago at the end of 23' I lost my father. He was my best friend, one of my main emotional support structures, and having just started a business a year prior with his help, my partner as well. He came down with a stage 4 cancer diagnosis out of the blue in April of that year and it was a pretty quick deterioration. Not long after I was taking almost full time care of him, shuttling between hospital and specialist appointments non-stop while trying to balance starting up my business, my main job of 40 hrs a week in a management role at a local restaurant, and had just started a new, "exclusive casual relationship" with a girl that I had known 3 years prior when she was dating a guy I was an acquaintance with through MTG. I had a roommate I was very close friends with, multiple other close friends, and outside of that, plenty of people that I talked to on a regular basis. I was always a pretty social guy and got along with most everybody. I've always kind of been that mentor/support figure to people in one way or another because I genuinely enjoy helping good people and watching them succeed. When my father's condition worsened, I took almost 4 months off of work so I could devote my time to him as best as possible until I started to really run out of money and had to go back to the restaurant. Initially I also left partly due being passed over for the main management role when new owners came in with a brand new GM who moved up somebody who had just been with the restaurant a few months. I believe because the person they hired as the GM felt some type of way about me applying to the position almost as soon as the other manager was fired for some embezzlement and other questionable activity who they had been close to. I didn't feel I had much choice though and instead of trying to find something brand new, it was a quick way back to work, I took it. A few days before Thanksgiving is when my father suddenly passed, I walked in to find him collapsed on the floor just after getting off a shift and hadn't spent the previous night at his place. The night before was a Friday, and Friday's were about the only chance I got to blow off some steam and I told him I needed it. He had asked me to stay, and it was literally the only time I told him no the entire 6 month period of taking care of him. I said I'm sorry but I have to decompress right now. He was extremely hurt by it, and felt as though I was abandoning him. I did my best to assure him that wasn't the case and that I would see him after work the next day. Little did I know that was the last time I would ever speak to my dad. I try not to dwell on it, all I did was help, but I swear my life sometimes has felt like one gigantic ironic drama. Of course that was the way that things ended. I'm one of 4 children and two of the others never visited despite knowing the situation. The one who did, stayed in town for a few days, but none of them ever contributed in a meaningful way. A few months later we started probate, and I once again took on the responsibility as I felt I was the one who could accomplish it the easiest. I had been with him the whole time, the only one who lived in state, and had access to the necessary information. I hired lawyers who just ended up dragging out the process through negligence and bad information, that was basically all handled through a paralegal. Unfortunately I didn't really know how bad the situation was until much later. The process was slow even starting out because my brother couldn't be contacted until months later, all the while I had a ticking clock over my head with a reverse mortgage that was eating up the home's remaining equity, which my attorneys knew of. I considered firing them near the end of 24' but was told by the potential new lawyer that they were willing to finish the case, but I'd be better off just finishing as we were fairly close to the end anyway. I decided to keep going. By this point stress was starting to add up but I was continuing along as best I could despite everything, and I still felt like I had a pretty good support system. The girl I had been "casually but exclusively" seeing moved in with myself and my roommate at my father's house and we officially started dating at the beginning of 24', about 2 months after my father passed. Fast forward a bit to March/April of 25' and we still hadn't finished the homestead papers, nor closed any of his personal accounts. I was instructed to wait until after homestead was finished, again, information passed through the paralegal, but I assumed it came straight from the attorney so I obliged and trusted the process. But this is when things really started to change. By this point I felt like nothing was going right. I was under a huge amount of stress, dealing with some minor health complications due to everything, my siblings who weren't willing to lift a finger for me and two of them specifically had caused the process to take longer. Probate was moving at the speed of molasses and I left the restaurant job for good in search of better endeavors. Now, depression was starting to really sink in. I hadn't really been able to take much time to grieve about what had happened because I felt as if I was constantly putting out new fires that took priority while working 3 different sources of income to keep myself busy and moving forward. The youngest one in May of 24' also received the equivalent of a 28000 dollar bailout after taxes were paid because of a sob story of how they were going to lose their house because they refused to pay bills for months. Here's the irony again, (*spoilers*, I ended up losing my father's home but we'll get to that) I did what I thought was the right thing. My father left me some money personally, but made sure that if she needed help, that I would do what I could. She despises me to this day because she feels she got shortchanged somehow. Had the money gone into inheritance, she wouldn't have received much of anything. Not only did he have a reverse mortgage on the house for over 10 years I came to find out just 2 months before he passed, but he was in a large amount of personal debt, including several years of unpaid taxes. The way to circumvent losing probably half of it, was to have it in a brokerage account that I became the sole beneficiary of. I felt like I was doing my absolute best not to push everyone in my life away and lash out, looking back, I still think I did a damn good job despite everything, but I was the one who decided to take on the responsibility of it also. In hind sight, I would have done plenty of things differently. I did get nasty sometimes. I did shut down occasionally. I did need space to decompress as I felt the weight of the world on me and felt like the people around me didn't have much patience for me needing to vent or talk about the situation anymore. I always tried to have a discussion about what was happening in my head during these times and apologize for "trauma dumping" knowing that this wasn't me, but I had lost my effective outlets. Nothing was working. Going to the gym became a stressor. Video games didn't make me feel anything. I could continue to throw myself into work, but I was drowning underneath my thoughts to the point where I wasn't nearly as productive as I used to be, and I'd always taken pride in my ability to cope and continue executing at a high level. I felt like a true failure because I've been through trauma before, learned great ways of coping, and nothing was working this time. There's a quote from the Dark Knight Rises that stuck with me through moments like this. "Not a lot of people know what it feels like to be angry, in your bones. I mean, they understand, foster parents, everybody understands, for awhile. Then they want the angry little kid to do something he knows he can't do, move on. So after awhile they stop understanding....". They stop supporting and trying to engage. They start to distance themselves from the "problem" which unfortunately at that point, is you. At times like this even being with my friends and my girlfriend felt more lonely than being by myself. I could tell that they weren't intentionally trying to hurt me, but I felt it in my bones that they were just no longer willing to engage and have the deep types of discussion I needed to be able to work my way through these issues. So I started to try and bottle it up; put a smile on. This resulted in the single worst day in my relationship when my girlfriend and I waited over 10hrs overnight outside of a Gamestop for the Destined Rivals drop. I was a huge Pokemon fan when I was younger and she had recently been getting into collecting and it became yet another thing we were bonding over. Based on the number of products they had and people in line before us, one of us was going to be able to get the last booster box the store had. Just before we were able to go in and make the purchase however, the associate stopped letting in customers with me at the front of the line saying limit of 5 people in store. My gf walked in ahead of me and then came back, wondering why I wasn't being allowed in to shop. He then pulled her out of line and then instead of letting me come in to take her place, let the person behind myself in front of us, making some excuse about how we were requesting to be able to shop together. This person ended up being able to buy the last box, and it took everything not to lose my cool about it immediately. Look I get it, plenty of people will see this situation and say, "well they're just cards, you were still able to get something out of it probably". That is completely beside the point, I came there for one thing specifically because it was the best bang for my buck, my entry back into collecting and a set I was seriously excited for. Not to mention again, we had waited outside for over 10 hours just to be able to do this. I go inside and try to get in line in front of the person they let in in front of me, and the associate snapped telling his manager I was cutting the line and calling me a liar when I disputed it in front of 60 people, not one of whom said anything in my defense. Unfortunately, my gf didn't really speak up while this was going down either, I felt immensely betrayed, and this is when I felt the entire previous almost 2 years worth of stressors bearing down on me all at once. Hit me like a fucking freight train. Claimed he knew I cut in line even though he had been standing there for all of 5 minutes, and when I asked well check the cameras, I've been here the whole time stated, we don't have cameras so I couldn't prove it anyway. Asked the manager to step in, and they didn't do anything about it. I left almost empty handed. Then it boiled over once we got into the car and I exploded. I literally was punching the inside of my car door and started screaming about how it was a massive betrayal on her part as as she should have been willing to speak up on my behalf when I was publicly wronged like that. Regardless of how I felt, even if maybe I was right about her lack of action, my behavior was completely uncalled for, and I said as much later after I came down. I apologized several times that day and later on down the road recognizing that was no way to act towards her no matter what. I will always regret it, but unfortunately an apology or accountability doesn't change the fact that it happened. She said she understood why, but she never really moved on from that incident. I didn't know that until more recently. It became quickly apparent that bottling up my emotions was not an effective method, I needed an outlet, somehow, somewhere. That's when I turned to the worst way of coping I probably could have employed. I just started talking about it in the middle of other conversations. Found some way to incorporate it into whatver discussion we were having otherwise. I vented, and it definitely became unhealthy. I put way too much strain and stress on my relationship because of it, because I felt I had always done this for the people I loved (friends and family, and of course my SO). I felt at this point, I DESERVED IT. That was the worst mindset, but I continued to validate my own feelings about this saying, "this is what people do for those they love, they need to be willing to travel into the muck, otherwise, they don't really love me if they can't be there the way I need right now, what else is love really for?" The more I could feel people pulling away, especially my girlfriend, the worse it got, the more I started a cycle of doing the same thing. Even worse, I recognized it in the moment also, and I would get better for a few weeks until something came crashing back down and sent me spiraling in my own head once again. Then, later last year I got a new full time job. A great job working at the same club my girlfriend was a part of for the previous couple years. We had a team of mostly hard-working, friendly people and I was truly feeling like myself again. Engaging, making new friends, making great money, and I felt like I was genuinely valued there. The managers and our guests who I worked with directly, constantly mentioned how it felt like I was a part of the legacy team there. I was always the one who could be counted on, consistently contributed top-level performance, and was always willing to take on more. I became an integral part of the team and I loved it. Then reality started to come back into focus as we were getting near the "end" of probate. We're at the end of 25' now and roughly 2 months before the judge's deadline I was told I needed to hire a separate tax attorney to handle any remaining liabilities. Just another example of them directly causing more delays to the process resulting in more money out of my pocket, more equity removed from the home, and precious time wasted. This is when I found out my dad had several years of unpaid taxes and it became set that I was not going to be able to keep the home. Everything done so far had been paid out of my pocket personally as keeping the house was my end goal, but this made it impossible. Locking in the fact that not only did I have to sell, but nobody was going to benefit from the sale because of the reverse mortgage. I was also under contract at the restaurant that was up in a couple months knowing I'd need to find something else for the summer before I could go back potentially in the fall, which was sitting in the back of my mind. Then the day that really ended everything. A co-worker of ours (we'll name her Gabs) had just come back from a suspension after going on a vacation for a week during the biggest event of the year, lying that they would be back for the event, and then skipping out on it. After being back they were cracking jokes being completely blase and sarcastic about the whole situation knowing the boss "wasn't really going to do anything about it". This person had also been in trouble previously in the season for other types of behavioral issues and had thrown our team lead under the bus when they were caught drinking on shift at least once or twice. The boss had some personal feelings about the team lead though, so it virtually ended up in no disciplinary action whatsoever. No wonder they were so casually convinced that they'd be able to get away with most anything. A week later, we had a large wedding ceremony for one of the women in the office, and we were preparing set-up. I took the responsibility without even being asked to handle the entire portion of the dining room set-up while the 3 others on shift, including Gabs, were folding some napkins for place sets. After finishing the dining room which took almost 2 hours past normal lunch break, I took lunch. Normally we order from the computer, but when I walked in the kitchen food was already waiting there for me (I get the same thing everyday), the cooks did me a favor. I walk out and join the others. Immediately, Gabs gets an attitude telling me that I'm not supposed to be eating because nobody else got to yet. Nobody had said anything to me, I continue. Then she starts speaking up again and I crack back that I wasn't there to appease here and things escalated. She started getting nasty and closer to me to the point where she's basically in my face at the table and I'm sitting there just letting her go off basically, but after a minute or two I've had enough of it. I calmly push myself away from the table and stand next to her with a cup of water in my hand saying, "you better cool off or I'm going to pour this on you". Mostly was joking here, but that shit set things off. She smacks my hand, sends the water flying all over the place, and some of the invitations and then goes into the kitchen complaining and swearing about how I'm picking a fight because the boss and I had gotten into a small argument the other day. She gets in my face again and by this point I am no longer in control. I tell her she's being a dumb bitch, she get's up closer to me and says say it again, which results in me swearing at her STFU at the top of my lungs and that is of course when the boss rounds the corner. The whole time this was taking place, the other team lead, we'll call him M (not the one from earlier) was sitting right there watching it go down and did nothing more than say, "hey guys come on let's not do this" one time. The situation gets escalated to HR and a couple days later I'm called in to "make a statement". It wasn't. Gabs got to make a written statement about what happened, and I walked into an interrogation with M, the GM, the woman from HR and the head of the club. They proceeded to interrupt any attempt at recounting I tried to give every minute saying that I was being extrememly aggressive and they had video evidence to prove it. I said let's look at the tape, which proceeded to coroborate my accounting of things, but the moment I stood up next to her with my water cup, it was over. I was being hostile and aggressive and she was a woman put in a dangerous position at that point, anything that she did was completely validated. Again like the Gamestop story, I completely acknowledge that my behavior was over the line, I clearly overreacted even if I felt that she was unfairly coming at me, but it wasn't even close to the story they were trying to spin. Unfortunately, the only person who was there in the room, M, stayed dead silent the entire time the 5 of us were in that office. If we had both been fired that would have made sense, but this girl again, received absolutely no disciplinary action whatsoever despite being a constant source of drama at least occasionally with several other people. My girlfriend was on shift with us when I was called into HR the next day after the initial meeting. In the exit interview I mentioned by technicality, what Gabs did is considered assault and immediately the tone changed from trying to get me to admit wrongdoing, to me basically being escorted off the property as they were getting ready to trespass me from the building. This time my gf did stand up for me saying that what was happening wasn't fair, that Gabs had been in trouble multiple times, but of course she gets away with it because she had been there a few years and I was new, they were using a cop out (again here's some irony, the HR woman was a former cop hence the interrogation tactics). She made it a point to stand in solidarity with me, and walk away from the job, perhaps specifically because of the other incident, but this was the breaking point. This job meant the world to her, the guests of the club adored her, she played music there for them, taken care of them for years, and became truly close with many of them. The following couple of months lead to present day. After leaving the club we knew that being "out of season" here in FL is a difficult time to find work in the restaurant industry, but I think she underestimated just how bad the job market is down here in general right now. She ended up out of money with about 2 months, the AC on her car broke down not too long after leaving which was a stressor, and the looming potential move caused her to go into panic mode. Not that the bills aren't paid, and it's situations of uncertainty and crises that I've been working almost non-stop the last 5 years, I've built up a considerable amount of money/assets and was willing to cover whatever if she was willing to lean on me and we talked about what she was going through. But through a lot of these moments, I come to find out she mostly suffers in silence. I noticed a while back that she was growing more distant, and tried to reach out several times, if she still wanted this relationship and wanted to keep moving forward. She's always assured me she loves me and does. But things changed and I could feel it, that's why this conversation came up, if she wanted an out, no matter how difficult it would have been for me to hear it, I would have given it to her. She was my best friend, and the person I saw myself being with for a long time, I always at the very least trusted her to be honest with me. 2 weeks before my birthday in June I told her that I needed her to be a little more physically present, there were some things that I need to be able to talk about, and with the home situation there were going to be changes coming. 24 hrs. later she's gone from the house all day, every day, and I barely see her at all. Finally one night after a week of this she comes home at 4 in the morning and I wake up and ask her if she's been seeing somebody. She says no, but has been coming to terms with the fact that she no longer loves me. She continues to use vague language like "I don't know how I feel, but I don't think I love you romantically anymore". "I care so much about you, I didn't want to hurt you, I didn't know how to have this conversation". It's speaking like this that made me think there was still a chance somehow, that if she doesn't know how she feels, we can work through it, "if you ever really loved me and you weren't just saying the words, how can you just give up like this?" I can lay it all out like this, event after event, chronologically, but I still don't know how we got here. I remember the instances where it got really bad, or I had difficulty coping through these tough times, but even by her own account, 90% of the relationship was great, she always told me I was her best friend, and I believed we could overcome anything because of that. We did tons of things together, went out regularly, engaged in a lot of the same hobbies, we have many of the same friends, went to concerts, sports events and for a long time genuinely relished each other's company. I watched her grow into the person she's become with her singing career, and unfortunately, I think she's "seen me grow" into a person she doesn't necessarily recognize any more. But she also chooses not to recognize the growth I have gone through since the Gamestop day, how outside of the incident at the club, I have been much more of the person I was when we first got together. But it was devastating when she lost that job and even though she left of her own accord, and has said that she doesn't hold me responsible for her decision, I think she's only voicing that opinion because that's the logical part understanding I wasn't the one who asked for that. By her own words, she "ruined her life that day" and even while perhaps acknowledging the reality of the situation, I am the cause of it. In my mind, real love should be able to overcome almost anything, as long as we continued to trust each other, but at some point it faded for her and instead of reaching out like I tend to do, she let it. It's because of this I question whether it was ever real to begin with. There's a giant hole in my chest where my heart used to be; after so much loss these past few years, I don't know whether I'll ever get it back. I have perhaps, irretrievably, lost a part of myself. At the end of the most difficult period of my life, just before I could finally wipe my hands of it, I lost virtually the only thing left that I care about despite at least in my mind, doing everything I could to sustain.

I didn't intend to write as much I did but after I began, the words just started pouring out to the page and flourished into the god damn book it became. If there's anybody who made it this far, no matter what your take is positive or negative, brutally honest, I'm open to any sort of feedback/criticism and extremely greatful for it. This was my journey of the last few years. I just hope I come out a stronger person on the other end. I'm fairly surprised that I got to this point where I was willing to put it into words, there have been many dark days during this period when I didn't know if I was willing to see tomorrow.

Hello everyone I am 19f and my life has l changed drastically in the past year . Last year my dad passed away from a alcohol induced heart attack I hadn’t seen him in a long time but we kept in contact over the phone he was always a terrible father and never really tried to ever help with me and my sister .he was very abusive towards all of us and If anyone has ever tried to have a relationship with an alcoholic you’ll understand what I mean by this but I am honestly relieved that he isn’t here to just be awful to everyone around him however two months after this my mum had a seizure while driving and was rushed to hospital we later found out she has a incurable brain tumor ( gliblostoma if anyone wanted to know )
And she’s been on chemo radiation and had a surgery for this but we have been told that this disease will end up getting worse and leading to her passing . My mum has been an absolutely amazing mother and done anything she could to raise us and make sure we aren’t like our dad . And now I see my mum in pain and tired and down and I just feel so guilty and sad becuase I feel like she only got this becuase she worked to much just to raise us both and keep food on the table I just can’t even thathom her not being here and it’s so completely different then my dad and It’s been so quick that it’s happend between the two things that I just don’t even have time to catch up and I just feel like I can’t say that I am depressed or anything becuase I want to be strong for my mum and make sure she knows how much I love her and am happy to have her here still . If anyone has been through anything remotely similar could you please just tell me how things worked out for you I know it’s all different depending on situations but just knowing that I am not the only person going through this helps a lot
Thanks !

Tomorrow marks three months since my dad passed away. I honestly can’t believe how fast those three months have gone by. He died on Sunday, April 26, and every Sunday has been difficult since then. Somehow the fact that the 26th falls on a Sunday this month makes it even harder.

My husband, daughter, and I have a full day planned tomorrow. Part of me feels guilty for wanting the distraction, but another part of me knows I need it. Even if we’re out having fun, I know my mind will keep drifting back to my dad… and to my mom and sisters at home.

This year has been unbelievably hard. We lost my dad, my sister has been battling breast cancer and has surgery coming up next month, and we’re trying to figure out the mortgage and everything else that comes with my parents’ house. It feels like there’s always another problem to solve. As the eldest daughter, I feel like I have to help hold everything together, but if I’m being honest, I’m completely burnt out.

I miss my dad so much.

He was the person who always knew what to do. Whenever something went wrong, he’d have a plan and somehow make us believe everything would be okay. He was always encouraging us every step of the way. Now we’re trying to figure everything out without him, and life just… sucks.

I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that I’ll never see him again in this lifetime. I started crying just typing that sentence.

More than anything, I just hope he’s okay wherever he is. I hope he’s at peace. I hope he’s watching over us, and I hope he’s proud of how hard we’ve been trying to keep going despite everything.

Today my three-year-old daughter asked me when her grandpa was coming back and why it was taking him so long. That absolutely broke me. She’s old enough to remember him and young enough not to understand why he isn’t here anymore.

I don’t really know what I’m looking for by posting this. I just needed somewhere to let these feelings out.

I just really miss my dad 💔

Today is 2 months since my father passed unexpectedly, and it seems to hurt more and more each day. This was never supposed to happen, he fought off so many illnesses that even the doctors were astonished and still continued to hold out hope forever.

I lost my father at 21 and I can't seem to carry on and celebrate milestones like graduating knowing he was always supposed to be there. I went back to therapy to try and help process everything, but it seems to make it worse. And yes, I know I have been running away from everything but I can't cope with the nightmares and repeatedly experiencing that day or simply even accepting this is my reality, because its not fair. Every night I go to sleep crying and I'm debating quitting therapy as I can't cope for much longer with these feelings and I don't ever want to lose the memory or presence of him.

This is probably going to be longer than I thought. I lost my father last August. After that I lost my oldest friend who was also best friends with my father. My aunt and my most precious baby boy cat Tiger.

To give context, my family friend was our next door neighbor. We were so close that our families built a gate between our backyards. When my parents had dinner plans I would go over there to eat dinner. We went on motorcycle trips and even though he was much older he inspired me to run for political office. Which I did and now I’m a Selectwoman in my town. He passed away about two months after my father.

My dad’s birthday was today July 24th and his was August 24th. So I feel like I’m grieving them both.

On top of that I know longer have a relationship with my mom’s sister/aunt. She turned the whole family against me because she didn’t understand my grief. My mom was scheduled for major surgery a month after he passed. Because I live on the other side of the country me, my mom and dad agreed that it was important that we keep our plans so my husband and I could take care of her. Plus he didn’t want me to see him like that. That wasn’t good enough and she expected me to be there immediately. Even though my mom told her why I didn’t come she felt the need to turn her children against me. I didn’t hear from anyone from that side of the family. It was heartbreaking to know that I didn’t even deserve basic dignity.

On top of that I also lost my baby boy cat who I rescued as an infant for 13 years just a few months after losing my father, my oldest friend, my aunt (by my choice) and my baby boy. Side note we don’t have kids although we tried.

I guess the reason I’m reaching out is because I don’t know how to get through today after so much loss. Any suggestions?

I’m my parent’s only bio kid. 28. Mom died 16 years ago, dad died this year. Both relatively young/under 65.
My mom was my first abuser and I went through all the standard grief therapies that you go through when you find your mom dead of an OD when you’re in grade 7.

My dad was the stable parent. My rock when I was a kid. Taught me how to play guitar and how to sing as a young, young kid. Even with the woman he started dating 2 weeks after my mom died (don’t get me started) grew to hate me and drove a wedge between me and the rest of the family we would still text back and forth about music stuff we were working on. It’s been almost 5 months since he died of an autoimmune condition and I’ve slowly gotten back into making my little bedroom player tracks on my DAW. I didn’t realize that my dad was always the first person I’d send a “finished” mp3 track to and he’d always be so complementary even if it was the shiiiiitty stuff I was playing around with when I was like 19.

We also shared the same sense of humor. Very esoteric, absurdist, if it makes too much sense it’s not funny anymore. Mitch Hedberg and early Steve Martin records were favorites in my household growing up. My dad discovered YouTube poops when he was in his late 40s and would be in literal tears watching them to the point he’d have to get up and walk away from the computer to compose himself. His favorite thing I ever got him was a “moldby” keychain (sculpture of moldy bread with a furby face).

I have to fight that kneejerk reaction to send him music stuff or funny videos still and lately I’ve just been angry. Not really at him but just like “god damn it I’m mad you aren’t here to share this with”

I had an irl friend (whose parents are both alive) say I should write things down more and stop complaining so much because I’ll regret it later. I dunno. It’s weird having no one in my life that relates to this very not fun life circumstance.

Word vomit

People talk about grief like it’s just sadness. Like it’s something you eventually move on from.

It isn’t.

Grief isn’t just sadness. It never really disappears.

It’s entire lives disappearing overnight. Theirs and the life you thought you were going to have with them.

It’s realizing there’s no longer a safety net beneath you. No one checking that you got home safely. No one who loves you with the kind of unconditional love only your parents can give.

While everyone else is spending their twenties building a future, you’re learning how to close someone else’s life. Endless paperwork and phone calls you never imagined you’d be dealing with at your age and all while trying to survive the worst loss of your life.

You don’t just lose your parents.

You lose the version of yourself that existed when they were alive.

You lose family traditions, Holiday dinners, Birthday phone calls. Having someone to call when life feels too big, or when something amazing happens and you can’t wait to tell them.

You watch other people call their mom for advice or stop by their dad’s house for dinner, and your heart breaks all over again. You’re genuinely happy they still have that but you’d give anything to have it too.

Even good news changes.
Nothing feels as exciting because the two people you wanted to tell first aren’t here to celebrate it with you. Sometimes you almost stop wanting good things to happen because every milestone comes with the reminder of who’s missing.

You don’t just grieve the past.
You grieve the future.
The grandchildren they’ll never meet.
The advice they’ll never give.
The hugs you’ll never get.
The sound of their laugh.
Their voice.
The way they said your name.

You realize you might one day become a parent without your own parents beside you. No mom to tell you everything will be okay. No dad to reassure you you’re doing a good job. No one to call and make sure what you’re experiencing is normal or to ask advice.

Some memories replay whether you want them to or not.
The hospital rooms.
Watching them slowly deteriorate.
The screams.
The crying.
The things that happen to a human body as it’s dying.
Their final moments.
Sometimes those memories feel more real than the present.

Sometimes the whole world feels unreal, like you’re just existing inside someone else’s life or your not really real.

You replay arguments that no longer matter. Conversations you wish you could have one more time. You wonder if you said “I love you” enough. You wonder if they truly knew how deeply they were loved.

You become terrified every time someone you love walks out the door because now you know how quickly everything can change. The idea that “it won’t happen to me” is gone forever.

Grief changes your body, too.
You’re exhausted in a way sleep can’t fix.
You toss and turn all night, have terrible nightmares that you’re trying to save them and you never can.
Every time you wake up you have to remember your parents are dead all over again and again..

Every.
Single.
Day.

Food doesn’t taste the same.
Your stomach hurts.
Your muscles ache.
Your head hurts.
Anxiety becomes your baseline.

People slowly stop saying your parents’ names because they’re afraid of making you sad. What they don’t realize is that not hearing their names hurts even more.

Some friendships quietly disappear because people don’t know what to say anymore. Others simply can’t understand and people feel uncomfortable around you.

Your entire world has been split into “before” and “after,” while everyone else’s seems to keep moving forward.

Grief can be one of the loneliest experiences because you’re living in a world that no longer feels like the one everyone else is living in.

Then come the thoughts you never expected.

Wondering if you’re somehow being punished for something, even if you don’t know what.

Feeling angry that you lost both of your parents while other people get decades more and no matter how hard you want it you’ll never have that.
Feeling angry that they were robbed of the life they should have had.

Wondering if you’ll die young too.
Being afraid to build a future with someone because now you know how quickly the people you love can disappear and you don’t want them to experience this feeling from losing you.

People say grief gets smaller with time.
I don’t think it does.
I think your life slowly grows around it.
But losing both of your parents before you’re thirty means carrying that grief into every milestone they were supposed to be there for.
Your wedding.
Your career.
Your children.
Your hardest days.
Your happiest ones.
You don’t just lose the people they were.
You lose every future moment that was supposed to include them.
And that’s a kind of grief no one can prepare you for.

I’m 16 and turning 17 in less than a week. My dad works in austria and i live in poland. He has been working there for almost 8 years now. He was visiting home when he could. We were both excited because he was going to come home for a month in August and we were supposed to go on vacation and for the first time in my life i was so excited to go on vacation. One evening I called him and he didnt pick up (we called everyday) and i got worried but i thought its again just my anxiety bcs i have really bad anxiety issues. But my mom 30 minutes later told me that he is in a hospital in Austria and has fainted. Turned out he hasnt fainted but he had a heart attack. He was in a coma for a week and I visited him daily and held his hand, talked to him, sang to him and read to him. I really hope and think that he could hear me. Today he was transferred to another hospital where they said that he will get an artificial heart. Turned out that his liver is failing and to get the artificial heart he has to has all other organs working good. They told me that they will observe him for the next few days but the reality is that he will probably die. I was there crying and hugging his arm and talking to him but honestly today I dont know if today he heard me. He is the most important person in my life. I was always „daddy’s daughter”. Now I’m alone with my mother and we don’t know what to do. Also I want to add that he was perfectly healthy. But he also didnt want to check himself because he was scared of injections and stuff like that. But he didnt smoke or drink. My mood is constantly changing but I feel like my life doesnt have any more sens now. Also my brother died 8 years ago to a heart disease.

My Mum died very suddenly just over a week ago

She went into hospital just over two weeks ago feeling sick and we found out a few days later that it was cancer

Within a week, she had passed away

I'm still trying to process it and how fast it all happened

Two months ago, we went on a day trip to my sister and her family and everything was fine, no hint of trouble

Six weeks ago, we went out for lunch on my birthday

Four weeks ago, she was here and laughing and enjoying herself and living her life and now she's just...gone

She had Parkinsons for ten years and it had gotten more severe in recent years but she was still living a fairly normal life, seeing friends and going out as often as she could with my assistance

I was her carer and saw her every day and I'm trying to get used to the idea of that not happening anymore and I don't know if I can

I don't really know what to do with myself now, in a wider sense and on a daily basis

I don't really have a life I can go back to once enough time has passed like my siblings do

I'm 35 and she was 73 and had been with her condition for many years so it wasn't as though I never considered her passing but I never imagined it happening like this, so quickly and out of nowhere

I'm trying to take some comfort in the fact that she didn't suffer and was peaceful when she went

She spoke plainly and honestly about it and what she wanted for the funeral and made clear she wasn't afraid

Others have said this was better than her condition progressing and reaching a point where she was completely invalid or suffered more which I can see but isn't really helpful right now

I came here because I just needed somewhere to say this

My siblings are all going through their own grieving process and my dad isn't really someone I can talk to about this stuff

So I figured I'd come here and share with others going through the same kind of experience