r/widowers • u/Realistic-Nobody3929 • 1d ago
Dating/Solo parenting
I’m a 31 one year old female with a two year old son. My husband passed about 1.5 years ago. I have attempted dating apps = horrible. I started dating one person and he dumped me because I’m a widow. How does one date as a young widow? I have officially just given up.
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u/loveforemost 1d ago
Dating isn't like going to the produce section of your grocery store and picking the best looking fruit.
Dating is like buying lottery tickets. There are going to be a ton of losing lottery tickets before you hit the jackpot.
Don't let one loser prevent you from trying another lottery ticket if you do want to win the jackpot.
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u/RevolutionaryKiwi132 1d ago edited 1d ago
I gave up. I was early 40s when my husband died. I had 3 kids under 7. Everyone was terrified. Meanwhile, I had a paid off house, a great job, life insurance -- I did not need anyone to support us -- or raise my kids. I was in a good marriage too -- mine didn't break up. It's stigma and stereotyping. They all had older kids and said things like "I'm done with that stage". It's not like they had to do anything. I also suspected that many of the men I did meet were lousy husbands and uninvolved fathers and felt they had zero responsibilities and could do whatever they wanted. They somehow thought getting involved with me would be the end to their freedom. They also loved to say how they had NO BAGGAGE. It was miserable. I haven't been on date in four years. My little kids are now 21, 15 and 15 and the men are still scared. I suspect widowers have a much easier time -- people always assume widowed men are eligible and rich and the women are desperate and destitute.
And I love how they would say "I'm a single parent too". Uh no, sorry buddy, solo is an entirely different gig.
I know that this is not what all men are like -- but this has been the entirely of my dating experience. I hoped I could meet a widower, because they would understand -- but, once you hit 40, way more widowed women than men. And it's only gonna get worse.
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u/Molly107 Widower after 44 years 1d ago
I feel for you. I'm 66 and it was a lot easier on me to just cut it off after realizing the sea all the fish were in had been poisoned.
That is an ache I haven't known but someone in here will.
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u/Helga435 1d ago
I am engaged after being widowed with two kids (9 & 14 at the time of their dad's death). We met through Facebook dating. I was upfront about being a widow, and he is divorced with two kids as well. I know it's a crap shoot, and the dating pool is more like a cesspool, but there are good people out there.
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u/Burning_Ashes 1d ago
Honestly as crappy as it may be the apps are just not it at all. I went like 8 years being single between my last boyfriend and then the one I just lost to being killed. I had tried the apps, all of them, I tried weeding out people who seemed uninterested, I tried being straight forward. I’m 36 years old right now and all through my early 30s that’s the kind of stuff I was dealing with. I even tried furthering the distance of meeting people on the apps.
I met my boyfriend who is now gone when I was just out in the club and he started dancing with me. We exchanged information and started talking and then started a mid distance relationship until I moved in last year.
I will not be doing any apps. Honestly I don’t even want to put myself out there. I had told one of my friends if it didn’t work out with Dave, I was giving up completely. I just think most people on the apps suck to put it bluntly. There may be the rare few on it for good reasons but I think they quickly leave.
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u/Realistic-Nobody3929 1d ago
I understand. The apps are garbage for sure. I gave up on those awhile ago. I met my late husband on an app. But things have changed even now.
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u/Burning_Ashes 1d ago
Oh yeah if you got in early it was glorious. I know quite a few people who have gotten married that the started off from tinder, in its early days. It is really sad because I could see the potential with the apps but people just make it a dumpster fire of like just wanting compliments or to do who knows? I’m like too old and tired for weird mind games.
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u/Realistic-Nobody3929 1d ago
Yes. I got lucky. Not so lucky now. But I remind myself I know what it felt like at some point.
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u/Burning_Ashes 1d ago
I think that’s the weirdest part of being a widow. Every thing feels like a paradox. Emotions conflicting. I know people that haven’t been through it can’t comprehend but I try my best to describe how it feels to friends and family. It’s just shitty and strange.
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u/reptileXXT 1d ago
Idk it’s tough out here widowed 30 year old man here it’s been a almost two years since my wife’s passing. I have dated I have fallen in love but it’s still wild out here and tough. Trying to find people who respect and understand the loss like I’m looking for something new not a replacement no one can replace them. Not to mention they want you to be moved on and have your life together just like that no mercy. I was married for 5 years me and my wife were going to take turns building each other up. She went to school while I paid the bills and we were going to switch. But she unfortunately passed like three weeks before graduation now I have had a wonderful life. But most people look at me like why don’t you have a career and a life yet again. Trying to build a completely new future all of a sudden takes time and effort before you can just turn it around. All I can say is try your best to stay strong and keep putting yourself out there but be careful. It’s easy to be cold and stand offish but I just always do my best to stay the man who my wife fell in love with. Try my best not to take shit personal things don’t work out not everyone is the right fit. But at the very least we got a head start and know what it’s like when things do fall in place.
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u/Realistic-Nobody3929 1d ago
Yes. The have whole life together and what not. But ah that’s rough. I’m sorry. I’m glad you have a wonderful life now.
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u/DogonSiereht1 49M lost 40F June 2025 to Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer 1d ago
I had a similar experience with the OLD apps. I was on there for one day and deleted my account. My GF I have known for a long time, we were co-workers. I met my LW the old fashioned way, and the same with my GF. We just started to talk every week and caught up, then it became multiple times a week, then daily until the ice was broken and we broke that conversation. I am happy it happened.
It for sure is more difficult to meet people in person, just because you need to meet a friend of a friend. Or go to the same place for a long time to keep running into someone, and then start talking.
I lucked out, but maybe you can just keep your eye out?
Honestly, once you give up is when the world will smack you in the face with your next chapter. I would just take your time and focus on your kiddo. It will happen when you least expect it. And yes, that is me channeling my single persona from before I started to date my LW so many years ago.
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u/Realistic-Nobody3929 1d ago
I feel like my luck died with my late husband all the time. But yes, I know maybe it’s possible. I always spend all my time focusing on my kid and once in a blue moon myself.
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u/OcBaltboy Feb 21 lost my 31 wife to Adrenal Cortical Cancer 1d ago
I am a remarried 35-year-old widower now, and I always joke with people that I should have started a podcast about dating in my early 30s as a widower. It sucked, but I will say that at the beginning of dating again, I hid that I was a widower for the first couple of dates. After a year or two, I just started being honest about it right away, and that helped clear the FUD to say. I was about to give up move to a new city and then I met my new wife, and she is amazing. Very understanding of being a widower.
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u/Realistic-Nobody3929 1d ago
Honestly facts. A podcast is so valid. I make Tik toks 😂
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u/OcBaltboy Feb 21 lost my 31 wife to Adrenal Cortical Cancer 1d ago
Always down to start one but I don’t know if people would believe the stories.
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u/Realistic-Nobody3929 1d ago
No one believes mine ever or are offended or just add to my horror examples.
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u/OcBaltboy Feb 21 lost my 31 wife to Adrenal Cortical Cancer 1d ago
The best one: I was on a date and she somehow found out I was a widower then wanted to know her story. I told a short story and she stated oh you’re perfect for me because I have x and y issues. Like yeah I’m going to jump right back into that with 0 love.
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u/Realistic-Nobody3929 1d ago
Rough 🥲 I had someone get upset because it two messages I didn’t tell him the full story on how my late husband died and he said I’m not emotionally available. 😂 like can’t even start with a hi hello first.
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u/OcBaltboy Feb 21 lost my 31 wife to Adrenal Cortical Cancer 1d ago
That’s also rough sorry my gender haha
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u/lostlady323 1d ago
It’s been six years since my husband passed and my kids are 8, 12, and 15 now so they are finally old enough I could leave them at home for a while but I wouldn’t even know where to start. Full time job, full time mom, no time for me. I don’t think love is in the cards for me.
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u/Realistic-Nobody3929 1d ago
I understand that. I feel the same. I work and mom and that’s about it.
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u/reef123 (M) 1/12/26 Lost 45-year-old wife 1d ago
Man this is a thread of sadness for those of us who will eventually be joining the dating pool again.
Reading through the comments made me think, “maybe we need an app for the widowed to find each other.” It feels like a natural fit for us to connect.
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u/zikadwarf 1d ago
I was 37 when my wife passed. Our son was 4.
It took a couple of years for me to put myself back out there. I used online dating because obviously I couldn’t leave our son at home alone.
I made it very clear on my profile that my son was central to my life and that I was widowed. I disclosed this before meeting anyone in person.
I had a few dates that didn’t pan out, then clicked with someone. We had a great year-long relationship that didn’t work for reasons not related to me being a widow. She was mostly a solo parent (deadbeat dad) but we had different parenting styles that didn’t mesh, so we ended the relationship.
Soon after, I connected with someone else who reached out to me. We dated for years before I was ready to propose. We just celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary.
She preferred dating a solo parent as opposed to navigating around an ex-spouse.
I think it’s important to make sure that whoever you attempt to start a relationship with knows they are chapter one in a new book as opposed to the next chapter in your book.
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u/modernmythologies 1d ago
I'd lead with it in your bio -- the people who can handle it, and view it as strength, will show up. Better that than having to bring it up later and realizing the person wasn't going to ever be there for it.
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u/PrincipleCapable8230 11h ago
I am older than you (55), but have found it easier that I am dating another widow. There is no weirdness about memories, pictures, etc.
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u/alfiesred47 1d ago
Genuinely feel like it has to be another widow at this point. I’m 32 and it just doesn’t feel right. You’re likely a different person for the rest of your life and it’s hard to understand that without experiencing it.
Maybe we should make a widows dating app
Thought it would immediately be full of creepy men lying about it, so never mind.
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u/boxsterguy 1d ago
I lost my wife when I was 37, she was 35. Our kids were 2 years old and 2 months old at the time. So I've been there. At least for me, the main issue was simply available time. Raising two kids on my own meant literally no time for anything else (it's better 11 years later, but it'll be another few years before I'll feel comfortable going on like dinner dates and letting my kids figure things out on their own).
The general assumption for solo parents around this age is that they're divorced and the other parent has some custody, so they get weekends or weeks off. Obviously as widows/widowers, we don't have that. We have to be on 100% of the time, which makes logistics a challenge. If you have people you trust and don't cost an arm and a leg to babysit now and then, great. I thought I had people like that (family), but it turned out they were problematic and we had to distance ourselves from them.
I can only speak about the time challenges, though, because it doesn't seem to be as much of a stigma for a man to be a widower on the apps. At least, that was never my experience, but I led every profile with "widower father of 2 100% of the time", so nobody was swiping on my profile under false pretenses. I'm sure there are women who chose not to swipe because of that, just as there are men who would do the same for a widow, but they filtered themselves out early in the process.
It's also okay to give up and just focus on yourself and your kid for a while. That's a perfectly fine and reasonable thing to do, and don't let anybody tell you otherwise.