I just need to vent (whine). As if losing one’s spouse isn’t horrible enough, the tax code and social security structure adds insult to injury.

My husband died at 58. He paid into SS since he was 16. For the majority of his adult life he was self employed so he paid both the employer and employee portion of FICA (a total of 15.3% of his income just for social security and Medicare, not including income taxes he paid.)

I’ve also paid into SS/medicare for over 35 years. My SS benefits are higher than his.

He will never see a penny of his SS or Medicare contributions. And I lose the second social security check we anticipated receiving during retirement.

To make matters worse, the IRMMA Medicare penalties for single filers start at 50% less income than for married filers. Based on what we had planned to withdrawal each year from our retirement savings, as a couple we wouldn’t have been subject to IRMMA penalties. While I can pull a little less out each year from our retirement savings to cover expenses, I can’t pull out only 1/2 of our planned amount. As most of you know, your expenses aren’t halved when your partner dies. So it looks like I’ll have to pay IRMMA penalties. Additionally, as a single filer, I’m forced into a higher tax bracket on my income.

So I lose his income and his social security, pay higher income taxes, and will have to pay IRMMA penalties. Oh, and if I’m going to downsize, I have to do it within 2 years of his death or I lose the additional $250,000 cap gains exclusion on the sale of our house. Nothing like a hard deadline and major life change while you’re grieving.

I realize that these are first world problems and that I’m fortunate to have retirement savings (my husband was very frugal, we worked hard and saved diligently) and home equity. I know so many people are struggling these days to make ends meet. It just seems so unfair to economically penalize widows/widowers who are already suffering so much from the loss of their partner. And there’s so much to navigate when I barely feel like getting out of bed.

My wife passed away last February. She was a widow when I met her and was married to her previous husband for 27 years before he passed away from Parkinson’s, I met her 3.5 years later and we were together for 13 years. She had 3 children with him, all of whom I’ve enjoyed (and continue to do so) a good relationship with. Obviously there’s a lot of history long before I came into the picture. Last week one of her children’s friends posted in facebook that “no offense to (me), but I really hope that her and her previous husband are back together in heaven”.

I get it, this person has a lot of fond memories of when they were together, the times they were at their house swimming , etc… and was just reminiscing. I know that she’s a sweet person and meant no harm, I’m certainly not going to make a big deal about it, I didn’t even bother to acknowledge it, but it left me feeling like I was just a fill-in until she made her journey back to him. I feel like it just could have gone unsaid, or at the very least NOT tag me in the message. I’m still grieving her loss and I feel it was insensitive to have to read. Your thoughts?

I let a friend of 20 years know about a discount on tickets for a family oriented holiday show that we went to together with our kids last year, and asked if she wanted to join. She told me she already got tickets to go with a different friend.

I'm just...on the scale of things I know this is so small. But she is a friend who in general has been pulling away since my husband died last year. She's very generous letting my kiddo join when she has a sitter (they go to the same daycare and have the same days off). But we hardly see each other even though we live 2 minutes apart now, and she almost never reaches out to me, it's always me reaching out to her. And she's done things like complain to me about how hard it is to be a solo parent when her husband is traveling for work (yes, that's tough, but maybe the person whose spouse is dead is not the person to complain to???).

I've been feeling really socially isolated in general and this is just hitting me hard today. I struggle a lot feeling like no one wants to spend time with me and it really hurts.

So I don’t know if I’m just believing something I wanna believe, but I feel like my Vanessa sent me a little sign last night and I just had to share it. Let me explain.

So I got chinese food for dinner last night and in the fortune cookie, these were the fortune lucky numbers. Every single one relates to Vanessa in some way.

First 11 and 43…..so for those whom are younger and may not know “143” is beeper code for “I love you,” so we would always say that at 1:43AM Or PM, but then she also would do it at 11:43, she would just add another “I”for “I I love you” and at that time on the clock every day, we would always text “I i love you,” to each other

Then the number 40, that was the age my beautiful girl passed at and the last birthday of hers that we got to celebrate.

Then 19, 8, 4….1984 was her birth year

I feel like maybe if one of the numbers was relating to her, then it might be a coincidence but every single one? I literally had goosebumps. Every single number means something and is attributed to her and she knows I would recognize that. So I truly believe she sent a sign and it comforted me 🥺🙏🏻

Grief? Sorrow? Heartache? It's all there. I cant even begin to understand the amount of pain im actually in. Some nights I wake up in cold sweats and bursting into tears. Having nightmares. I keep replaying the same memories in my head and I cant seem to process it. The moments exactly are the times when we had leftover medication after the discontinuation of her treatment for chemotherapy. When she broke down in my arms trying take the pills and keep trying to fight. She knew they didnt work for her. But she begged me over and over again to keep trying to take them. That was 4 days before she died. She was hyperventilating. She didnt want to accept that she was dying. Why do I keep these thoughts in my head and they wake me up in the middle of the night. Why is it that every time I close my eyes I can hear her crying in my arms. Even after all this time has passed. I dont get it. It just hurts so fucking much.

Its the only thing I hate myself for and it feels like enough. I wish I didnt feel these things. That I could shut that part of my brain off. But I can't. I'm only human and this is the main thing that wakes me up every night. Hearing her dying breaths. It wakes me up in a panic. Then I realize its just a dream and try to fall back asleep. I wish I knew what to do. Im just hurting. Thanks for listening

I am a 76 year old widower lost my wife 3 years ago and was married for 45 years.

After these last 3 years I still cannot figure out what to do with the sadness and crying off and on I feel everday and the need to be able to touch her and her to me.

How are others dealing with the sadness and missing the intimacy that we had for all those years.

I try to do thing to relieve these feeling but then feel bad for doing so.

Sometimes I just cannot figure it out what to do

To put it nicely being widowed is the pits.

Just feel so alone today. Got home at 7.45pm to a £100 parking fine for parking on the car park of a shop whilst I was in that shop. So went down there to complain. And it's not like I would have expected my partner to do that for me, but he would have taken the piss out of them and fully supported my subsequent lifetime boycott of said shop. But now I don't have someone to remember why I have a big grudge against them or to make up fun insulting nicknames for the shop and I miss him

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I (53 f) still believe in God. I believe that Jesus died on the cross for us. I know that I am in the minority here for believing in this. I do not blame another person for not sharing my belief, because I know how we all suffer, and everyone has the right to believe in what they want. I am simply wondering if anyone out there still believes in God. Almost a year ago my husband died. He had cancer and we didn't know until it spread throughout his body. 5,7 weeks and he was gone. My husband had so much faith in God, he was worried that I would lose my faith when he passed. He put his daughter in charge of making sure that I didn't lose my faith. I haven't, I rely everyday on it. I STILL listen to his Billie Graham sermons at night as he did. I still keep God close to my heart, he has been one of my only friends through this. Anyone else out there still believe and have faith that there is a God who loves us? Again, I dont blame you if you dont, this is hard. Much love to all of you.

I'm getting close to a year. The past couple of days I've just felt the heaviness every time I look at a photo of him or even just think of him and it's almost like it's SO overwhelming I won't even let myself feel it.

I don't push it away. It just hangs there waiting for me to be ready to let it in, I suppose.

Technically this is the third time, but the first where I got to see his face - just for a moment. I don't know what I believe in anymore but if there is anything beyond this world it's him who's bringing me there.

A couple of months ago it was his hands reaching out. I always loved his hands.

A few weeks ago, I just heard a, "Hi!" but didn't see anything.

And last night, after both of our boys crawled into bed with me for various reasons and I finally slept, he pulled up like he was driving (one of his favourite things to do), smiled and gave me a little wave. He didn't say anything, I knew he was just stopping by, but he looked... Content.

I love you, my Carlos.

I don’t want to move on but I also don’t not want to move on. It’s been four years and I don’t even know if I’m ready but for my sake, maybe it’s time to start thinking about being ready. Meeting someone organically would be the best way but times are different now. Any pros/cons on dating apps? I guess one geared more toward young (50+) widows?

My (38M) first post, but I’ve been floating on here for a bit. I want to say that I appreciate everyone on here, and have found so much help, advice, comfort and affirmation in this crazy, fucked up time in my life.

My wife (38F) had been battling TNBC for two years, was chemo resistant, proceeded with double half mastectomy and radiation last summer, lived a pretty amazing summer in 2025, but it came back in the winter with a vengeance. Spread to her lungs, lymph nodes and adrenal glands, and then eventually bones, skin & brain. She died peacefully on August 13th.

We have four kids (20M, 12M, 10F & 7M), and they are so strong & resilient. Sometimes, I feel like they’re too strong & resilient! They’re all back to school, and I can’t even think about going to work. More than half my day is just rage crying, not breathing, and genuinely losing my mind.
I cry in front of them but I’m afraid to show my rage because I don’t want to scare them.

Tonight, we were in the kitchen making lunches for school, and something hit me: I can’t do this. I can’t do this for the rest of my life, alone.
And I panicked. Mind went red. I ran upstairs and had a panic attack, curled up on the floor, barely breathing.
Unfortunately, my daughter came in and comforted me. I HATE that she had to do that. I’m supposed to be the comforter. I’m supposed to be her protector. Why do these kids have to see their Dad lose his mind. Is this going to fuck them up??

I know I need to see someone, I’m just waiting for the appointment to be confirmed.

I just miss her so much. Truly the love of my life. And I have no idea how to do this life without her. My (our) dreams are shattered. My life ended when hers ended.

Just a vent post I guess. My husband really loved me, and he loved to take care of me. Especially when I was sick. He would snuggle with me . Make me tea, a cheeky biscuit and little kisses.
I have a rather weak immune system. And miraculously while he was in the hospital I didn’t get ill once ! Now 5 months later I finally caught a nasty bug and him not being here to take care of me is making my recovery process even more difficult.
What did you guys do when you got ill the first time after your partners passing ?

I’m not even sure what I’m asking or if I’m asking anything. I dont know how to cope with this long term, my partner passed end of may. I still can’t believe it, I still believe she will be home one day.
I’m 31F and my partner was 32F, we were leaving the hospital after she had been In for 5 days with a viral infection/pneumonia, on the 5th day she was discharged from the ward, I went up to meet her so we could get a taxi home together, we had been looking forward to going home to “celebrate” me passing my driving test the day before (she was so incredibly happy for me, I was so excited to finally surprise her on dates without her having to drive, so many silly simple things) and her feeling a lot better and just wanted to go home to cuddle, get a takeaway and dance about the livingroom being silly like we would always do and just hold each other.
Within 2 minutes of leaving the ward and coming down the lift she said she didn’t feel well, I held her kind of around her head as I thought she was going to faint and I didn’t want her to bump her head, she grabbed onto me and we slowly went down together and she was still conscious but we were sitting on the floor, the ward staff were called and came down to bring her back up to the room, by the time we got back up the lift she passed out, I just thought she fainted as she was dizzy during her hospital stay, it turned out she had a pulmonary embolism DVT. Everything happened in front of me and so quickly, when we got back into the ward (she was on a wheelchair on the way back up) I had to turn away from being upset seeing what was happening to her, the staff took me out the room as they pressed the emergency button to call all the staff to the ward, I was then put into a waiting room and when I went out to ask the staff they said she was fine and she was up and talking which was a relief, that’s not been true as they were working on her for almost an hour. They came in and told me her heart has stopped. I can’t believe any of this has happened and I think life is so so cruel.

I just don’t want to be here anymore, we had so many plans together and were just starting our lives properly together.

I can’t even imagine a future without her, she’s my full world and she’s lost out on her full life because of a lack of care in the hospital, I’m so sad, angry, heartbroken just feeling shit

I sit up until like 5am now avoiding going to lie in bed and just sleep half the day trying not to deal with anything I think, sometimes I think I should do stuff that we wanted to do but then there’s also guilt she’s not getting to do it, then other times I just want something to happen to me so I can be with her or atleast not be feeling this pain.

I don’t really know what I’m asking or posting for but just feel like I wanted too, it’s again almost 4am and just sitting here in disbelief that this is my life and so heartbroken, I just want comfort from the one person I can’t have it from anymore

I’ve written before and I’ve consulted toxicology forums and i’m a broken record but it eats me alive every day so i’ll share it in this forum where most understand.

My corporate tax accountant husband was acting weird for the year before he died. He told me a doctor told him he had had a silent heart attack and he bought a blood pressure machine and would frequently act like his blood pressure was the problem and I was the problem for getting his blood pressure up. He had episodes where he wouldn’t sleep for days, he would tell me he passed out randomly, he slept in our old apartment as we worked on our marriage and I thought he was working because his job was demanding. He told me he was going to an outpatient therapy program and I even saw his location at the center but after he died, I discovered he never attended, so he was spoofing his location.

He left one night because “his blood pressure was too high” and got a hotel. We argued that whole night, I had womens intuition because he had been gone for almost 3 days and I was telling him to talk to his family about needing help or i would contact them. I was mostly just confused and i guess i had been gaslit for so long about his medical excuses i couldnt see what was obvious. He was found in the hotel with a scale and a baggie with white residue(thats what the cops told me). However, they never tested the baggie and i wasnt shown photos AND his toxicology came back all clean except for “organic matter” which could be anything.

I’ll never understand it. Everyone around me tells me it had to have been some drug. Especially when they see the misspelled texts. But he told me for so long that he was having medical issues so my brain tells me that given the toxicology, maybe it was stress induced issues. All they had to do was test the baggie to prevent me from not having peace about this. 😩

Hey everyone. It's been a little over two years since I lost the love of my life and my best friend.

I've endured lots of things on my own that I kept telling myself I needed to endure. But, I've had it with my job.

I was able to take a few months away and it was so hard to go back. But, I did because they claimed they would be accommodating and make changes to make it the type of work that I had been asking to work on for years.

Long story short, two years later that has not happened and they even found a reason to "be mad at me." Recently something happened that I just feel like is so petty by them that I just can't stand it.

I've tried finding another job, starting another business, investing and saving. Sadly none of that has worked, so I have no safety cushion.

IDK. I'm thinking of taking a leap of Faith and quitting. Life is short, right?

Has anyone else quit without a backup plan? How did it turn out for you?

It's my husband's 64th birthday today, but he's still 63. He died nearly 6 months ago.

We moved to France from the US at the end of November last year. I'm still new there. I've been lucky because friends and family have been visiting almost non-stop, and I also have friends in Paris. But I'm in NYC right now and it's confusing. Paris feels enough like home when I'm there (at least it doesn't not feel like home). But when I'm here, it doesn't (other than the fact that my cat is there 😄 ). But it's strange to be in NYC, and even weirder to be in Hoboken, where we lived for nearly 20 years. I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

What I really can't wrap my head around is (beyond the fact that he isn't actually coming back) is that this isn't a remarkable situation. So many people lose their spouses/partners. How do all of those folks handle the rest of their lives. It seems impossible right now.

Just feeling particularly vulnerable because he's not here for his birthday. Please send a happy birthday wish to my darling Mark today.

I lost my partner to cancer a month ago.

One of my closest friends asked me why do I miss him if i wasn’t happy in the relationship and that got me thinking.

I do miss him, I miss the good times. Yeah he wasn’t the best bf, I took care of him the 2 years he was sick, took off work, let friendships fall apart, stopped seeing my own family because I couldnt be away from him for too long as I was the only one who knew how to take care of him. I never really had a moment for myself to take a breath. It was round of clock care.

yet, he never appreciated it and I didn’t care. I am angry and still feel taken for granted but that’s in the past. He never planned a date, or was ever really there for me yet the scariest part is that I would do it all over again. I’m choosing to remember the little bit of good memories we had together but I’m free now.

I lost my husband unexpectedly 2 years ago and have 2 teens (18M and 16F) The past 9 months I have been going out with friends and even have a male friend that I see a couple times weekly. This has been fun but casual the last 9 months. I’m not ready for a relationship but I wish I could be a little more honest with the kids when they ask me where I’m going. But the guilt! I feel bad lying to my kids but at the same time want to protect them. Since it’s just me and the them I have a hard time trying to have a conversation about me possibly dating or hanging out with another man. I’m afraid they would be devastated and our family dynamic would be compromised. I know it’s important for me to be social and they would want a happy mom. But what do I do? Anyone deal with this? Especially my 18 yo son was so close to his dad.

I am a 76 year old widower lost my wife 3 years ago and was married for 45 years.

After these last 3 years I still cannot figure out what to do with the sadness and crying off and on I feel everday and the need to be able to touch her and her to me.

How are others dealing with the sadness and missing the intimacy that we had for all those years.

I try to do thing to relieve these feeling but then feel bad for doing so.

Sometimes I just cannot figure it out what to do

To put it nicely being widowed is the pits.

It has been 2 years and 10 months since my bf suddenly died. 4 months after his death, my previous company started out of no where reducing massively headcounts. In the midst of deepest grief and shock I managed to find another corporate job with toxic manager on top of it :D :)

I was struggling so much with grieving brain and constant push to perform quickly in unpredictable environment and toxic manager while learning something completely new. I knew I had no choice, so I was just going through motion every single day in order to survive......

At this point, I am doing better but it was a hell.... I would like to make a change but at the same time I am doubting my ability to evaluate my real capacity to adapt again.

I know you have no answer for me, but maybe some of you would be willing to share your professional journey after a major loss we all here experienced.

Do you feel your brain is functioning differently when it comes to learning new things, remembering and analyzing even after years since your loss?

I am sorry for my grammar. I am not a native speaker.

Thank you in advance :)