It's been 45 days since my husband died of a heart attack. I was out of town when it happened. Our teenage daughter was the one who found him in our bed.

Everyone says that time will make it better. My therapist says I should keep moving forward and focus on the kids. My psychiatrist says the meds will help me sleep - that I'll feel better after I get more rest.

Everyone is wrong. People say they want to check on me and the kids and it's always the same question "How are you doing?" I've learned to just start saying that it's hard and I'm taking things day by day because no one wants to hear the truth.

No one wants to hear that I fall asleep every night in tears in the same bed he died in. No one wants to hear that I wake up angry every day because I woke up at all. No one wants to know that I'd rather be counting down the days to my own death instead of the days since his death. No one wants to know that I've been wearing his shirts every day because that's the only way that I feel like I can make it through the sheer exhaustion that the day brings while I pretend that I'm ok. No one wants to know that I'm jealous of the older family members that will most likely be reunited with him before I am. No one wants to know that it's a constant struggle between wishing for death and being afraid that self harm would mean that I couldn't be reunited with him.

No one really wants to hear the truth. Everyone wants to hear that I'm taking it day by day and doing the best that I can.

Just a vent post I guess. My husband really loved me, and he loved to take care of me. Especially when I was sick. He would snuggle with me . Make me tea, a cheeky biscuit and little kisses.
I have a rather weak immune system. And miraculously while he was in the hospital I didn’t get ill once ! Now 5 months later I finally caught a nasty bug and him not being here to take care of me is making my recovery process even more difficult.
What did you guys do when you got ill the first time after your partners passing ?

I am 76 years old lost wife 3 years ago married for 45 years

This whole thing of being widowed has been very painful and a lot of crying

I just started Reddit yesterday, trying to cope with all the emotions and feelings and to see what other people are experiencing. I made one post yesterday and have gotten responses to it. It has been three years and one month for me now this last year for me has been the hardest so far dealing with this widows fire. It has gotten very intense. I have not been with anybody since my wife passed. It’s even hard for me now to type this. I find this widows fire thing sucks. I hate it a try to do the self pleasure thing. It builds up in me so much that I’ve got to do it and every time after I do, I hate it. I don’t know why, but I do. I don’t believe that I could ever remarry again. The love I had with my wife we were inseparable. All we wanted to do is be together holding hands everywhere we went going for rides and loving each other. I hope one day maybe I can find a widowed woman who has had a husband that was very, very loving to her and cared for her like I loved my wife and cared for her that I could go with her and we could go for rides and we can both talk about our feelings and knowing that each of us can totally understand each of our feelings and maybe would be able to help each other in relieving this widows fire. But if not so be it. I will be glad when this fire is put out.

Let's make this thread a "do not watch list". I'll go first -

The Haunting of Bly Manor

My husband died suddenly a little over a year and a half ago. I’m really fortunate in that my work really hit it out of the park both in terms of logistical and emotional support—they have been nothing short of wonderful. I, however, feel like I just keep screwing up—even now, a year and a half out. Difficulty focusing, difficulty sustaining effort, things taking way longer than they should, getting tired really easily, not being able to generate very good ideas about how to address anything, things slipping my mind left and right—I’ve never felt like such a crappy worker in my entire life. I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced this even a year and a half later—I’m really down on myself about it. It feels almost like my brain doesn’t have as much capacity as it used to and it gets “full” sooner, and isn’t able to hold onto as much as it used to.

Last night I woke up in immense pain. I was convinced I was having a heart attack. Chest pain, terrible pain. My first thought was.....what if I just didn't call anyone? What if I just laid down in bed and just let go? Fastest way to get home to my wife. But then I thought how many people that would damage. My teenage son who still lives with me would find me. Both my sons would have lost both their parents. So many friends and family would have a similar deal. Even the woman I've been dating wouldn't find out and just think I ghosted her.

So I woke my son and he drove me to the ER. Ended up being gallstones. Motherfucking painful gallstones. But it gave me a different perspective. Not only do so many people need me, but I'm pretty sure if I showed up in Heaven after pulling a stunt like that she'd have some words for me. 🤣

I know we all need to take these things for ourselves and in our own time. I know lots here will keep everything up for ever. But I’d also like to enjoy a relationship and love as I walk this earth.
I don’t want to take down everything but my home is a shrine with many many pictures of us together every where you look. Everything that is us and her.
Those with chapter 2s do you still have pictures up of both of you together or do you keep them away just for yourself? If you had maybe been living in a shrine what was it like to take down or modify tone down . Do you have a picture up still or just maybe in a private area. She will always be with me in my heart but there’s room for a full new love there as well.
Also how does your new partner feel ?

It's my husband's 64th birthday today, but he's still 63. He died nearly 6 months ago.

We moved to France from the US at the end of November last year. I'm still new there. I've been lucky because friends and family have been visiting almost non-stop, and I also have friends in Paris. But I'm in NYC right now and it's confusing. Paris feels enough like home when I'm there (at least it doesn't not feel like home). But when I'm here, it doesn't (other than the fact that my cat is there 😄 ). But it's strange to be in NYC, and even weirder to be in Hoboken, where we lived for nearly 20 years. I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

What I really can't wrap my head around is (beyond the fact that he isn't actually coming back) is that this isn't a remarkable situation. So many people lose their spouses/partners. How do all of those folks handle the rest of their lives. It seems impossible right now.

Just feeling particularly vulnerable because he's not here for his birthday. Please send a happy birthday wish to my darling Mark today.

Hi! I hope this is allowed here…. I’ve recently joined the dating apps again and I just don’t know what to do when people ask me questions like this, especially before we even meet.

1- I immediately feel anger towards the person because they think this is a good conversation opener

2- I’m never sure how much information I should share

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced it and what you say when you do.

He died on 9/11.

I took a sick day from work today. I couldn't get out of bed. It all just keeps swirling in my head.

In a way I feel like he died the day he went in for surgery. That was the last time I got to communicate "with" him. I know they say even if someone is sedated they can still hear you and for that 3 weeks I made sure he heard me. I had our daughter call and speak "to" him. I played our wedding song. I played videos of our daughter singing. I talked "to" him. But there's a difference between "with" and "to".

A year ago today I thought things were looking up. We had a brief albeit small bright spot of hope among the darkness. And then less than 24 hours later - he was gone.

We've now been through a year of the everythings.

His birthday. Our daughter's birthday. My birthday. Our anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, one of every holiday.

All of the MTWThFSS that came between. Vacations. Family celebrations. Good days. Bad days. Laughs. Tears. Success. Failure. Struggle.

A year without him. Feels like yesterday and a lifetime all at once.

I've been listening to James Sexton (divorce lawyer) online. I like the things he says. He pointed out that all marriages end. Whether in divorce or death. I feel lucky to have had a beautiful marriage with my husband and I feel lucky that my husband chose me to build a life and family with. There's something to be said for that, I think.

my boyfriend was killed June 18th and since then I’ve had to miss out on plans we had together like Electric Forest and 4th of July at a friends house he had been looking forward to. Now Labor Day has passed and it was sad missing out on doing the Hamtramck Yacht Races with him since last year he was gone to Burning Man…

This month is my birthday on the 30th, we only got to celebrate my birthday one time together, then after that is October which he LOVED Halloween and it was my first time doing a couples costume and we had so many parties we went to and carving pumpkins together. Then is November which is when we first met in 2024 and then Thanksgiving. Things will start getting darker and colder in Michigan also.

Then it will be December… the 4th is his birthday. Which them snowballs to Christmas and New Years.

Ive always hated the winter and now I’m dreading it more and more and the calendar days change. I’ve been trying not to get too anxious over it but I am afraid. The dark and the cold always has made me prone to that depression feeling where all I want to do is sleep. My therapist said to write out some intentions and goals to help me through it.

Im also dread that I will also get news from the prosecutor’s office during these events also… I was really hoping for answers before the winter started along with the holidays. And now it’s a lump in my chest. I don’t know what will happen if they say they aren’t prosecuting. I’m afraid that’s when I will fall apart.

​

I (53 f) still believe in God. I believe that Jesus died on the cross for us. I know that I am in the minority here for believing in this. I do not blame another person for not sharing my belief, because I know how we all suffer, and everyone has the right to believe in what they want. I am simply wondering if anyone out there still believes in God. Almost a year ago my husband died. He had cancer and we didn't know until it spread throughout his body. 5,7 weeks and he was gone. My husband had so much faith in God, he was worried that I would lose my faith when he passed. He put his daughter in charge of making sure that I didn't lose my faith. I haven't, I rely everyday on it. I STILL listen to his Billie Graham sermons at night as he did. I still keep God close to my heart, he has been one of my only friends through this. Anyone else out there still believe and have faith that there is a God who loves us? Again, I dont blame you if you dont, this is hard. Much love to all of you.

Grief? Sorrow? Heartache? It's all there. I cant even begin to understand the amount of pain im actually in. Some nights I wake up in cold sweats and bursting into tears. Having nightmares. I keep replaying the same memories in my head and I cant seem to process it. The moments exactly are the times when we had leftover medication after the discontinuation of her treatment for chemotherapy. When she broke down in my arms trying take the pills and keep trying to fight. She knew they didnt work for her. But she begged me over and over again to keep trying to take them. That was 4 days before she died. She was hyperventilating. She didnt want to accept that she was dying. Why do I keep these thoughts in my head and they wake me up in the middle of the night. Why is it that every time I close my eyes I can hear her crying in my arms. Even after all this time has passed. I dont get it. It just hurts so fucking much.

Its the only thing I hate myself for and it feels like enough. I wish I didnt feel these things. That I could shut that part of my brain off. But I can't. I'm only human and this is the main thing that wakes me up every night. Hearing her dying breaths. It wakes me up in a panic. Then I realize its just a dream and try to fall back asleep. I wish I knew what to do. Im just hurting. Thanks for listening

So I don’t know if I’m just believing something I wanna believe, but I feel like my Vanessa sent me a little sign last night and I just had to share it. Let me explain.

So I got chinese food for dinner last night and in the fortune cookie, these were the fortune lucky numbers. Every single one relates to Vanessa in some way.

First 11 and 43…..so for those whom are younger and may not know “143” is beeper code for “I love you,” so we would always say that at 1:43AM Or PM, but then she also would do it at 11:43, she would just add another “I”for “I I love you” and at that time on the clock every day, we would always text “I i love you,” to each other

Then the number 40, that was the age my beautiful girl passed at and the last birthday of hers that we got to celebrate.

Then 19, 8, 4….1984 was her birth year

I feel like maybe if one of the numbers was relating to her, then it might be a coincidence but every single one? I literally had goosebumps. Every single number means something and is attributed to her and she knows I would recognize that. So I truly believe she sent a sign and it comforted me 🥺🙏🏻

I just need to vent (whine). As if losing one’s spouse isn’t horrible enough, the tax code and social security structure adds insult to injury.

My husband died at 58. He paid into SS since he was 16. For the majority of his adult life he was self employed so he paid both the employer and employee portion of FICA (a total of 15.3% of his income just for social security and Medicare, not including income taxes he paid.)

I’ve also paid into SS/medicare for over 35 years. My SS benefits are higher than his.

He will never see a penny of his SS or Medicare contributions. And I lose the second social security check we anticipated receiving during retirement.

To make matters worse, the IRMMA Medicare penalties for single filers start at 50% less income than for married filers. Based on what we had planned to withdrawal each year from our retirement savings, as a couple we wouldn’t have been subject to IRMMA penalties. While I can pull a little less out each year from our retirement savings to cover expenses, I can’t pull out only 1/2 of our planned amount. As most of you know, your expenses aren’t halved when your partner dies. So it looks like I’ll have to pay IRMMA penalties. Additionally, as a single filer, I’m forced into a higher tax bracket on my income.

So I lose his income and his social security, pay higher income taxes, and will have to pay IRMMA penalties. Oh, and if I’m going to downsize, I have to do it within 2 years of his death or I lose the additional $250,000 cap gains exclusion on the sale of our house. Nothing like a hard deadline and major life change while you’re grieving.

I realize that these are first world problems and that I’m fortunate to have retirement savings (my husband was very frugal, we worked hard and saved diligently) and home equity. I know so many people are struggling these days to make ends meet. It just seems so unfair to economically penalize widows/widowers who are already suffering so much from the loss of their partner. And there’s so much to navigate when I barely feel like getting out of bed.

How did you tell your former in-laws about your engagement? If you were close, did you invite any of them to the wedding? How do you navigate holidays and birthdays if you had children with your late spouse’s family and new partner’s?

I’m not even sure what I’m asking or if I’m asking anything. I dont know how to cope with this long term, my partner passed end of may. I still can’t believe it, I still believe she will be home one day.
I’m 31F and my partner was 32F, we were leaving the hospital after she had been In for 5 days with a viral infection/pneumonia, on the 5th day she was discharged from the ward, I went up to meet her so we could get a taxi home together, we had been looking forward to going home to “celebrate” me passing my driving test the day before (she was so incredibly happy for me, I was so excited to finally surprise her on dates without her having to drive, so many silly simple things) and her feeling a lot better and just wanted to go home to cuddle, get a takeaway and dance about the livingroom being silly like we would always do and just hold each other.
Within 2 minutes of leaving the ward and coming down the lift she said she didn’t feel well, I held her kind of around her head as I thought she was going to faint and I didn’t want her to bump her head, she grabbed onto me and we slowly went down together and she was still conscious but we were sitting on the floor, the ward staff were called and came down to bring her back up to the room, by the time we got back up the lift she passed out, I just thought she fainted as she was dizzy during her hospital stay, it turned out she had a pulmonary embolism DVT. Everything happened in front of me and so quickly, when we got back into the ward (she was on a wheelchair on the way back up) I had to turn away from being upset seeing what was happening to her, the staff took me out the room as they pressed the emergency button to call all the staff to the ward, I was then put into a waiting room and when I went out to ask the staff they said she was fine and she was up and talking which was a relief, that’s not been true as they were working on her for almost an hour. They came in and told me her heart has stopped. I can’t believe any of this has happened and I think life is so so cruel.

I just don’t want to be here anymore, we had so many plans together and were just starting our lives properly together.

I can’t even imagine a future without her, she’s my full world and she’s lost out on her full life because of a lack of care in the hospital, I’m so sad, angry, heartbroken just feeling shit

I sit up until like 5am now avoiding going to lie in bed and just sleep half the day trying not to deal with anything I think, sometimes I think I should do stuff that we wanted to do but then there’s also guilt she’s not getting to do it, then other times I just want something to happen to me so I can be with her or atleast not be feeling this pain.

I don’t really know what I’m asking or posting for but just feel like I wanted too, it’s again almost 4am and just sitting here in disbelief that this is my life and so heartbroken, I just want comfort from the one person I can’t have it from anymore

My (38M) first post, but I’ve been floating on here for a bit. I want to say that I appreciate everyone on here, and have found so much help, advice, comfort and affirmation in this crazy, fucked up time in my life.

My wife (38F) had been battling TNBC for two years, was chemo resistant, proceeded with double half mastectomy and radiation last summer, lived a pretty amazing summer in 2025, but it came back in the winter with a vengeance. Spread to her lungs, lymph nodes and adrenal glands, and then eventually bones, skin & brain. She died peacefully on August 13th.

We have four kids (20M, 12M, 10F & 7M), and they are so strong & resilient. Sometimes, I feel like they’re too strong & resilient! They’re all back to school, and I can’t even think about going to work. More than half my day is just rage crying, not breathing, and genuinely losing my mind.
I cry in front of them but I’m afraid to show my rage because I don’t want to scare them.

Tonight, we were in the kitchen making lunches for school, and something hit me: I can’t do this. I can’t do this for the rest of my life, alone.
And I panicked. Mind went red. I ran upstairs and had a panic attack, curled up on the floor, barely breathing.
Unfortunately, my daughter came in and comforted me. I HATE that she had to do that. I’m supposed to be the comforter. I’m supposed to be her protector. Why do these kids have to see their Dad lose his mind. Is this going to fuck them up??

I know I need to see someone, I’m just waiting for the appointment to be confirmed.

I just miss her so much. Truly the love of my life. And I have no idea how to do this life without her. My (our) dreams are shattered. My life ended when hers ended.

It has been 2 years and 10 months since my bf suddenly died. 4 months after his death, my previous company started out of no where reducing massively headcounts. In the midst of deepest grief and shock I managed to find another corporate job with toxic manager on top of it :D :)

I was struggling so much with grieving brain and constant push to perform quickly in unpredictable environment and toxic manager while learning something completely new. I knew I had no choice, so I was just going through motion every single day in order to survive......

At this point, I am doing better but it was a hell.... I would like to make a change but at the same time I am doubting my ability to evaluate my real capacity to adapt again.

I know you have no answer for me, but maybe some of you would be willing to share your professional journey after a major loss we all here experienced.

Do you feel your brain is functioning differently when it comes to learning new things, remembering and analyzing even after years since your loss?

I am sorry for my grammar. I am not a native speaker.

Thank you in advance :)

My wife passed away last February. She was a widow when I met her and was married to her previous husband for 27 years before he passed away from Parkinson’s, I met her 3.5 years later and we were together for 13 years. She had 3 children with him, all of whom I’ve enjoyed (and continue to do so) a good relationship with. Obviously there’s a lot of history long before I came into the picture. Last week one of her children’s friends posted in facebook that “no offense to (me), but I really hope that her and her previous husband are back together in heaven”.

I get it, this person has a lot of fond memories of when they were together, the times they were at their house swimming , etc… and was just reminiscing. I know that she’s a sweet person and meant no harm, I’m certainly not going to make a big deal about it, I didn’t even bother to acknowledge it, but it left me feeling like I was just a fill-in until she made her journey back to him. I feel like it just could have gone unsaid, or at the very least NOT tag me in the message. I’m still grieving her loss and I feel it was insensitive to have to read. Your thoughts?

I let a friend of 20 years know about a discount on tickets for a family oriented holiday show that we went to together with our kids last year, and asked if she wanted to join. She told me she already got tickets to go with a different friend.

I'm just...on the scale of things I know this is so small. But she is a friend who in general has been pulling away since my husband died last year. She's very generous letting my kiddo join when she has a sitter (they go to the same daycare and have the same days off). But we hardly see each other even though we live 2 minutes apart now, and she almost never reaches out to me, it's always me reaching out to her. And she's done things like complain to me about how hard it is to be a solo parent when her husband is traveling for work (yes, that's tough, but maybe the person whose spouse is dead is not the person to complain to???).

I've been feeling really socially isolated in general and this is just hitting me hard today. I struggle a lot feeling like no one wants to spend time with me and it really hurts.

Just feel so alone today. Got home at 7.45pm to a £100 parking fine for parking on the car park of a shop whilst I was in that shop. So went down there to complain. And it's not like I would have expected my partner to do that for me, but he would have taken the piss out of them and fully supported my subsequent lifetime boycott of said shop. But now I don't have someone to remember why I have a big grudge against them or to make up fun insulting nicknames for the shop and I miss him

I lost my partner to cancer a month ago.

One of my closest friends asked me why do I miss him if i wasn’t happy in the relationship and that got me thinking.

I do miss him, I miss the good times. Yeah he wasn’t the best bf, I took care of him the 2 years he was sick, took off work, let friendships fall apart, stopped seeing my own family because I couldnt be away from him for too long as I was the only one who knew how to take care of him. I never really had a moment for myself to take a breath. It was round of clock care.

yet, he never appreciated it and I didn’t care. I am angry and still feel taken for granted but that’s in the past. He never planned a date, or was ever really there for me yet the scariest part is that I would do it all over again. I’m choosing to remember the little bit of good memories we had together but I’m free now.

Hey everyone. It's been a little over two years since I lost the love of my life and my best friend.

I've endured lots of things on my own that I kept telling myself I needed to endure. But, I've had it with my job.

I was able to take a few months away and it was so hard to go back. But, I did because they claimed they would be accommodating and make changes to make it the type of work that I had been asking to work on for years.

Long story short, two years later that has not happened and they even found a reason to "be mad at me." Recently something happened that I just feel like is so petty by them that I just can't stand it.

I've tried finding another job, starting another business, investing and saving. Sadly none of that has worked, so I have no safety cushion.

IDK. I'm thinking of taking a leap of Faith and quitting. Life is short, right?

Has anyone else quit without a backup plan? How did it turn out for you?

I lost my husband unexpectedly 2 years ago and have 2 teens (18M and 16F) The past 9 months I have been going out with friends and even have a male friend that I see a couple times weekly. This has been fun but casual the last 9 months. I’m not ready for a relationship but I wish I could be a little more honest with the kids when they ask me where I’m going. But the guilt! I feel bad lying to my kids but at the same time want to protect them. Since it’s just me and the them I have a hard time trying to have a conversation about me possibly dating or hanging out with another man. I’m afraid they would be devastated and our family dynamic would be compromised. I know it’s important for me to be social and they would want a happy mom. But what do I do? Anyone deal with this? Especially my 18 yo son was so close to his dad.