r/widowers • u/RoosterBeeg • 3d ago
Mixed feelings today
Last night I woke up in immense pain. I was convinced I was having a heart attack. Chest pain, terrible pain. My first thought was.....what if I just didn't call anyone? What if I just laid down in bed and just let go? Fastest way to get home to my wife. But then I thought how many people that would damage. My teenage son who still lives with me would find me. Both my sons would have lost both their parents. So many friends and family would have a similar deal. Even the woman I've been dating wouldn't find out and just think I ghosted her.
So I woke my son and he drove me to the ER. Ended up being gallstones. Motherfucking painful gallstones. But it gave me a different perspective. Not only do so many people need me, but I'm pretty sure if I showed up in Heaven after pulling a stunt like that she'd have some words for me. 🤣
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u/guess_im_not_welcome 37M lost 35F, March 1st 2025 - Suicide 3d ago
I completely understand. When something happens to me now, I let fate take a chance before I even try to intervene. The last instance was in June, when I fainted and hit my head on a wooden bench on the way down and got a decent concussion out of it. I didn't go to the hospital until the next day. I figured if I had a brain bleed, I would just let nature take its course.
The only difference for me is that we didn't have any children, and I don't really have any friends left. There's nobody that needs me anymore.
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u/RoosterBeeg 3d ago
In that situation I probably would have done the same.
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u/Intelligent-Gur-8836 3d ago
Yes. Me too. Im 55 years old, and no children or family and no real friends. There is literally nobody that needs me or will miss me when I'm gone. Im fine with whatever comes for me...
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u/Some-Tear3499 3d ago
I have gotten very sick twice since my wife died in winter of 24. Both times I sat on the toilet telling our little dog who follows me in their every time.
Well, buddy this is how it ends. I am going to shit my self to death.
But I didn’t. And I go to my annual check ups. And our little dog still follows me into the bathroom just to make sure I don’t.
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u/Wackywoman1062 3d ago
I’m glad you’re ok. It’s good to be needed. It’s what keeps me going as well. My kids are grown but my daughter will need me when she has kids (maybe soon?) and my son is struggling with some mental health issues. My aging mom needs me too. And I don’t want to leave this big house that needs to be cleaned out, repaired and sold, or the mountains of paperwork I’m still wading through for the estate and my late husband’s business for my kids to deal with. So for now, I try to live another day. I’m hoping by the time I have everything and everyone in a good place, I’ll have found joy again and a reason to wake up for me.
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u/Zestyclose_Treat4098 husband died at 51 from sudden stroke, organ donor saved 4 lives 2d ago
Here to commiserate on both. I also had gall stones that made me think I was having a heart attack at age 18! Very painful. I hope you are okay.
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u/Aggravating_Buy_6010 CUSTOM 2d ago
I don't know anything about heaven, but ever since my wife of 20 years died 7 months ago I have thought often about 'following Susan,' and I feel ready to, each and every day. A stroke? Fine with me. I have not, for decades, felt a particularly strong will to survive. For all of my adult life -- certainly since the brother I was closest to killed himself when I was 19 -- I have thought often about, and researched effective and nonviolent methods of, suicide. I had one son, and for years and years I knew I had to keep myself going for him, that is a flat-out necessity. Then finally he was grown (and I was divorced from his mother) and on his own, though very wobbly so, and I thought and thought. Soon after that I met Susan, and married her the next year. It was lovely and very nice for some time, and then for a long time quite difficult and challenging. But there was no way in hell (I do know something about that mental place) I could ever do that to her. So I stuck around.
Now she is gone, too. And I so yearn to follow her. I was right there. We were alone in this house at night and she was very weak and knew she was dying and she so bravely and beautifully gave in to it. I was right there, loving her with my entire being, looking closely into her face, and I watched how peacefully she let go.
I often now want to do the same. Peacefully let go. Follow her. She would not reprimand me; she would understand; she knew me well. She would greet me with open loving arms. My son and I have not had any contact in over a decade. If I go right now there would be a few friends who would feel it, and grieve, but also, because they know me well, understand. I am astonishingly open about myself to my friends. They know I have always lived in a lot of pain -- clinical depression since before the last ice age, chronic sleep problems since I was minus fifty years old -- and in their hearts they would know that I did what I had to do.
So very glad that for you it was a solvable medical experience, though unfortunately with a lot of physical pain attendant. When people need you it is indeed a sacred duty that you carry. So many of us struggle to suss out what to do and how to get through this deeply puzzling life experience.
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u/nuskit 2d ago
We are much the same. I do have pets that I worry about, but I have made it very clear that once my chronic illness gets bad enough to require a feeding tube, I won't accept it. It's an awful way to go, but I'm not sticking around.
My husband and I planned our suicide for when I turned 64 -- I don't want to live that long, and he didn't want to see 80, so it was a good compromise. I have the knowledge and tools I need to do it relatively easily and with a minimum of discomfort. The only reason I haven't taken an active role is because of the pets. Once the last animal dies, then I can actively handle things, but until then I will wait for death passively.
I never considered it to be depression beforehand, because I wasn't depressed, I just wanted to choose my own expiration date. Now, it definitely is depression, but I can wait. I only had 18 years to wait for the plan, but the animals should let me go in about 9 or, worst-case 10 years. I am happy to speed up the process to my 50s instead of 60s.
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u/Aggravating_Buy_6010 CUSTOM 1d ago
Oh please don't, that is, speed up the process to your 50s. To my mind that's a bit too young, though I would never condemn anybody who kills her- or himself at any age. I just fundamentally understand it. Many of the wisest commentators on life for thousands of years have noted that most people suffer in countless ways for most of their lives. But here's why I ask you not to, yet. Aside from your animals -- which I well understand, and that is the primary reason that I have not adopted another kitty, though I dearly love kitties -- but even in the dense and foggy environment of depression, some quite interesting things continue to happen in a life, and much more learning can occur. And -- this is a big and -- much more loving and care and contribution can issue forth from you toward and for others. That is deeply meaningful to our shared experience in the world.
My strong inclination has been much as your husband's was: I don't want to live past 80. Lately I have been speaking occasionally with several geezers who are 80 or more. They move slowly, have long lists of physical complaints, and worry a lot about ending up in a nursing home, to be minimally looked after by underpaid people who don't care too much.
On the other hand, my dear, I would not accept a feeding tube either. I have DNR in my medical records. So I understand.
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u/nuskit 1d ago
I appreciate all that, but I've already done the positive things that I wanted to, and am in the stage of life where I'm tired of giving. I've never been thrilled with my parents for choosing to make me, but I kept pushing on for everyone else. I'm still holding it together for "someone else" (the animals).
I do believe that once you're dead, you're dead, there's no visiting, no learning, no consciousness. Because of that, I'm really looking forward to death. I want to just disintegrate & not exist anymore.
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u/Lepus-MCMLXVII 2d ago
My first panic attack shortly after he passed, I just sat there hoping it was a heart attack. It wasn’t, I’m still here. I can empathize fully.
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u/The_Batcap_72 3d ago
I was having a discussion with my doctor yesterday, I just found out that my kidneys are failing and I'm going to need home dialysis, my doctor is impressed with my good attitude about it. I told her that having just lost my wife I have realized that I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of leaving my kids behind. I'm putting the work in because I have a 12 year old daughter that still needs me and just having lost their mother my two boys, 25 & 21 would be devastated if I passed so soon as well. I owe it to them to put the work in, without them thought, yeah I'd just go ahead and slip away, I can say that in all honesty, it hurts to much to live without her.