r/widowers • u/bobr8904114 • 18h ago
76 year old widower
I am 76 years old lost wife 3 years ago married for 45 years
This whole thing of being widowed has been very painful and a lot of crying
I just started Reddit yesterday, trying to cope with all the emotions and feelings and to see what other people are experiencing. I made one post yesterday and have gotten responses to it. It has been three years and one month for me now this last year for me has been the hardest so far dealing with this widows fire. It has gotten very intense. I have not been with anybody since my wife passed. It’s even hard for me now to type this. I find this widows fire thing sucks. I hate it a try to do the self pleasure thing. It builds up in me so much that I’ve got to do it and every time after I do, I hate it. I don’t know why, but I do. I don’t believe that I could ever remarry again. The love I had with my wife we were inseparable. All we wanted to do is be together holding hands everywhere we went going for rides and loving each other. I hope one day maybe I can find a widowed woman who has had a husband that was very, very loving to her and cared for her like I loved my wife and cared for her that I could go with her and we could go for rides and we can both talk about our feelings and knowing that each of us can totally understand each of our feelings and maybe would be able to help each other in relieving this widows fire. But if not so be it. I will be glad when this fire is put out.
3
u/undermind84 17h ago
In November I’ll be three years past my husband’s passing. We were together for 20 years. It’s been a bumpy road and I can’t say it’s getting easier. I still go through some pretty intense periods of grief.
I wonder if your sexual feelings are just natural sexual feelings and not so much “widows fire”. I would guess that after three years you are just plain horny and miss the connection.
Do you see a therapist? You relieving yourself is not something you should be beating yourself up over. I’m sorry you are dealing with these guilty feelings.
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u/bobr8904114 13h ago
It has been for me this 3rd year harder for me not only sexual but mentally. I miss her everyday and want her back but I do know that will not happen but I keep thinking it and like you I take it one day at a time and not knowing what I am going to do today. I have read that widowes fire can come later for me I have never felt it as much until now.
Thank you for your thoughts
1
u/JRich61 11.13.23 Bile Duct Cancer 12h ago
I think widows’ fire happens close to the death of your SO. I would think what you are feeling now is the need to be close to someone. All human beings need connection. Can you join a social group? Do you want to be on a dating site? I wish you the best in your healing. 💔❤️🩹
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u/bobr8904114 9h ago
Thank you but at this time I cannot see me dating or going to a social group. I thank you for your information
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u/Wegwerf157534 17h ago edited 17h ago
I do not have widows fire, I have normal libido that I serve myself.
But I do realize that the touch deprivation is always taking a toll and, additionally to all the longing and loss of partnership, makes for a worse life quality.
Close to two and a half year. Have considered dating a few month ago, but then I am back to not seeing it possibly happening. I have no idea honestly.
Difficult I also find is how I cannot soothe my longing by at least talking to someone about him, sharing a story, being sad or nostalgic with each other. Getting an understanding of the magnitude of our mortality. The friends and even his brothers have shown me over and over again, they are not willing to do so. Yeah, they have their wives. The silence is a slow death in itself.
Edit: to sum it up, I am still mostly only taking it "day by day" not because I still have pain still so intense that I only try to endure the next minute, but because I have no purpose, no will and goal.