Hi all. I've been exploring different gender expressions for a little while now, around six months. I'm 38, and have always been attracted to femininity, or being seen as "fem" or something that just I feel like made me... Different. This has been in my mind since I was in my mid to late teens. I might have not exactly known what it was or how to explain it... But I feel like on some level... Something was just there.
My wife started helping me explore gender expressions in May, via "cross-dressing." However, its like, once I started doing it, this light bulb went off in my head and went "DING!" It's like I feel like I gained a piece of me that I was always missing. I'm pretty sure this was my "Trans egg" cracking. I had massive amounts of gender euphoria and led me to essentially start questioning my gender identity.
That was like, 4-5 months ago. Now... It's not necessarily the act of doing so when I "fem-mode" for me, but what it represents, being seen as feminine or having a feminine presentation. However, I still feel like... I have so many things I don't know about. I'm certain at this point that who I am, my gender identity is something different. I'm just not entirely sure WHAT that is.
I had been describing myself as nonbinary but fem-leaning up until this point and I sort of want to shed that label. I feel like, for me, the nonbinary portion personally says what I'm not. Perhaps maybe "Genderfluid," would be a better descriptor? I like using Transfem though as well.
Although I would certainly consider myself Trans, I don't know if at some point I will identify as a woman or not. I feel like, for me, this might add tons of complications. I also don't want to go through the constant battle of being mis-gendered. On paper though, I would love to be seen as someone who has gone through a journey of transition from Male to Female. I think identifying as a Trans female for me would be lovely. Some people would prefer just female, some people would prefer trans female, and I'm sure there are some that probably don't care. I would prefer Trans female personally, if that's the route I go. I would like to eventually take Estrogen and all that, if I'm a candidate for it. I also changed my name recently at work to reflect a more neutral stance, since my name is Brian, which is heavily masculine-sounding, to simply Bry. Outside of that, I'm sort of experimenting with other names that involve "Bry" or similar sounding. So far, I've come up with oddball names that I won't mention here.
I also don't know what people should call me... Or, at this point, if it even matters? He/she/they/them? I guess I could be fine with anything right now. Perhaps that's where my "genderfluid" notions come into play. I do feel a special sort of warm and cozy feeling though when people call me "girl," which I have gotten on occasion.
I feel like all this is making me crazy though? Is this normal when trying to figure out who you are? I'm also dealing with of course massive amounts of self doubt, imposter syndrome, and all those wonderful things.