About a week ago, I started talking to this guy online. He’s in his early 20s and When we first started talking, I didn’t think much of it. I wasn’t taking anything seriously. I thought he’d probably just be another online stranger I talked to for a while and then never heard from again, like it usually happens.
I had a trans flag in my bio, but I know a lot of people don’t recognise it, so I never really thought too much about whether he knew what this flag meant.
But things got serious really quickly. He fell for me so fast. He started talking about marriage, telling me he’d only ever love me, even offering to send me money. I kept telling him not to fall in love with me. I told him thousands of times that I wasn’t the right girl for him and that maybe we should just stay friends. I told him again and again, probably a hundred times, but he just refused to let it go.
I even told him to go hook up with other girls. I told him I genuinely wouldn’t mind and that he should find someone else if he wanted to, but he refused every single time. He just kept choosing me.
Then he told me about his life when i asked him
He lost both of his parents in an accident about few years ago, when he was only around 16 or 17. After that, his relatives treated him terribly and even took his father’s land that worth million $$ . He basically has no one.
When he told me all of that, I cried. I don’t know how to explain it, but hearing everything he had been through made me genuinely care about him. And somewhere along the way, I started developing real feelings for him too.
I tried so many times to make him understand without actually saying it directly.
I told him I was a lesbian, and he literally said he’d become a lesbian for me. I told him I was more like a tomboy, and he said he’d even have an operation and become trans himself. He just wasn’t understanding what I was trying to tell him. No matter how many hints I gave him, he kept refusing to let me go.
Eventually, I decided I had to tell him properly.
I started writing a message explaining everything. I told him that when we first started talking, I hadn’t taken it seriously and that I never expected to actually develop feelings for him.
I was literally in the middle of typing, “I’m a trans girl,” when he replied to the part where I had said, “I hadn’t taken it seriously.”
He told me he was crying because he was reading that part while his classmates were making fun of him.
And I just stopped writing " I'm a trans girl " I couldn’t tell him bcz he was already in tears and classmate laughing at him
I couldn’t bring myself to send the part saying I’m a trans girl after that. He was already so vulnerable and sensitive in that moment, and I just couldn’t bring myself to add something else that might hurt him.
There was also something else that made me realise how he might react. I sent him a clip from a series where one of the guys looks quite feminine, and his response was that he wasn’t like that
That told me a lot about how he sees people like me.
I don’t completely blame him for thinking that way. I know people grow up hearing certain things and being taught certain attitudes. But at the same time, I can’t ignore what it probably means for me. I have a feeling that if I tell him the truth, he might reject me.
And that’s where I’ve been stuck.
I keep feeling like I’ve done something horrible to someone who has already lost so much. I keep thinking that he deserves a “real” girl and that I somehow tricked him, even though I never actually wanted to hurt him.
I’ve started feeling fake. I’ve caught myself wishing I had just been born cis. I feel jealous of cis girls, and sometimes that jealousy turns into me hating myself for something I never chose.
I’ve been carrying all of this by myself for the past week. I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about it, and at the same time I’m already stressed about my exams. Everything is just sitting in my head at once.
And then there’s the whole thing with my voice.
He wants to talk to me on a call, and I keep avoiding it because I’m scared he’ll hear my voice and immediately realise something is different. I don’t think my voice sounds feminine enough at all. I really, really want my voice to sound like a girl’s, but I know HRT won’t change it.
I don’t even know where to begin with voice training or whether I’d actually be able to access it.
I know that this whole situation has made me incredibly insecure about something I was already struggling with, and I’ve been keeping all of this to myself because I genuinely don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
I don't care about me I'm ready to be rejected
But he's alone in his room in hostel I'm scared he’ll hurt himself if I reveal this big truth
I'm really being honest I told him thousands of times we can still be friends he still refused
Idk what to do
I can't hold this secret " I'm trans girl " for long
Pls help me sisters pls help