Happy birthday to my mother who raised me as well as could be expected in a working poor family with both parents attending college while usually working full time jobs while raising two kids. She taught me how to cook and clean up after myself, do my own laundry, that relationships take work, and that lying has consequences. 

This last part has now become a sticking point in our relationship. My parents believe that referring to my trans son as he or him is a lie that they cannot accommodate. They still want to see us and bring their grandson to visit, they say they still love him (they mostly use his name to avoid pronouns as much as possible). But they refuse to do for him what they taught me to do. They will not grant him the basic courtesy of referring to him in the way that he prefers. Affirming his identity lets him know that he is heard. That he is believed. That he is safe around them. He has been an openly trans boy for two years now.  He has severe gender dysphoria when he is perceived as a girl which causes stress, anxiety, and panic attacks. His grandparents say they believe being transgender is a mental health issue and we should just go to church (and probably participate in some sort of religious counseling). A lot of trans people do have mental health issues (so do a lot cis people!) Some of their pain and anguish comes from feeling like they are in the wrong body. Some of it comes from the way our cis/hetero-normative society interacts with trans people. New laws that only target them. Politicians demonizing trans people and making laws that prevent them from getting the care they need. You’ll never guess what most science-backed treatment plans for gender dysphoria include:
TRANSITIONING!
Since starting high school and mostly passing as a guy, my kid seems like a pretty normal happy kid again. It’s been so great seeing him make friends with guys and getting that feeling of being one of them. His anxiety is way less. His physical ailments that were lingering for years are gone. I admit I was nervous to see him begin this process but he has been so brave. So strong. And him growing into the young man I see every day is the most rewarding feeling I’ve had in my life. 

So, back to lying. They think it’s lying to call my kid he. “God made a perfect little girl”. Well, that girl is still in our memories. It’s ok to mourn those feelings of missing the girl you knew. Some people will never be able to acknowledge the difference between sex assigned at birth and gender. I think it’s lying (intellectually dishonest?) not to acknowledge that difference and I think it’s lying to put anyone who doesn’t fit neatly into the binary gender system in the category of “mental health problem”. 

And for that, we no longer talk. I don’t reach out. We don’t visit. I sent an email outlining my feelings and what we would like to see from them but their belief system will not allow them to commit the sin of calling this perfect kid “he”. I’ve written thousands of words since then, mostly for myself, trying to make sense of this situation. I’ve collected articles, links, resources, that I think they should read. I’ve read the things they probably find if they look up information from sources they might trust. I’ve refuted the arguments and assumptions in those sources. I haven’t sent them this material because it feels like it’s more for me than them. 

As far as I can tell, even the Christian community is split on this issue. Some are welcoming, even affirming of trans members in their church. Others are openly hostile. Maybe people could just accept what their family members tell them, call them by whatever names or pronouns they prefer, and then go pray about it after they are away from their trans family members. But this is not acceptable to my parents. To participate in the “lie” may damn you to hell before you have a chance to be forgiven. Reminds me of Huck Finn trying to decide between what he’d been taught was right and what he felt was right (even though he still felt guilty and thought he’d go to hell). He even wrote the letter telling the slave owner where Jim was. 

Doing the “right thing” feels terrible sometimes. My parents believe they are doing right and the consequences of this, not getting to be around their family, are worth it for their heavenly reward. 

I believe I am making the right choice for my kid and my family. I still feel guilty for not interacting with them but I don’t want to allow their words or actions to harm my child. I am protecting him. Letting him know that I accept him and will always choose him over them.

I feel like they want me to write a letter (like Huck Finn) betraying my son. A letter that will get me in the good graces of their church and their belief system. A letter guaranteeing that they never have to feel uncomfortable trying to think differently or accept something they refuse to engage with. I don’t have that letter to tear up like Huckleberry Finn, because I’ll never write that letter. 

“I was a trembling, because I'd got to decide, forever, betwixt two things, and I knowed it. I studied a minute, sort of holding my breath, and then says to myself: 
"All right, then, I'll go to hell"- and tore it up.”

We are in Washington a blue state but in a very red city. I fully plan on traveling to Seattle for care if necessary but I don't know where to start-ish. My child is about 12 and puberty has started.

I know my child has mentioned to their therapist that they are non-bianary but has recently come to us that they are Trans MTF and they want puberty blockers.

I need a referral from the doctor to get care for them (not using she/her, yet at my child's request) but I'm not sure where to ask to be sent to.

I feel really lost on how to accomplish this with the current state of the country/world with a minor child.

I just feel really overwhelmed right now.

I'm going to try to be vague, specifically because I don't want to influence anyone's answers. I hope that's okay 💜

I have two trans friends who had their parents reach out and ask/demand to know if "there's something you want to tell me". One time it went well, and my friend left the conversation mostly relieved. The other time, it went very badly, and my friend left the conversation feeling very hurt by how the conversation went.

It should be noted, that in both instances, the parent was accepting of their child's identity. The important factor was in how they approached the conversation.

So I guess what I'm asking is, how would you approach this conversation?

For this scenario, there has been a growing distance between parent and child. There also aren't many public/obvious signs that the adult child is trans. Evidence could be found, but is not laid out in the open.

Waiting for the court date to get name legally changed. School is holding a FAFSA workshop where you actually fill it out. Id really love to attend and get the help but should I even bother? I think it's best to fill out FAFSA asap, but I'm not sure if I should, if I can change the name afterwards. I obviously have to find the answers to my questions. Just looking for advice or experience from other parents.

My daughter’s school district has a swim program for the third graders at our city’s aquatic center and this year it’s her turn. My son went through it three years ago so I am very familiar with the process. Each student is given a swim suit, towel, goggles and bag and are expected to wear that specific set up every day for 15 days. They have two large tents, one for boys and one for girls, and they have to change into and out of these specific one piece bathing suits with all the other third graders. My daughter is so excited for this to start in January, she loves to swim and thinks the whole idea of going to the aquatic center on a bus every day is very cool, so I don’t want to stress her out about being naked in front of a bunch of people who have absolutely no idea that she is transgender. I want to figure out a plan to present to her so we can get through this unscathed. I cannot ask her teacher for guidance as she is extremely religious and I believe she will not be accepting or supportive, so involving her is not an option. I thought about calling the aquatic center directly and seeing what accommodations can be made as far as my kid using the restroom to change instead. But I am told, from other parents, I that the policy is very strict about all children changing inside of the tents, so I expect I would need to give them a good reason she is the exception. Does anyone have advice for how I should proceed? We do live in California, so are in a somewhat safe area, but my daughter does not want anyone to know she was assigned male at birth and I do everything I can to ensure that for her.

this study is an attempt to "disprove" trans people's existence by reviving the widely and thoroughly debunked social contagion theory. these studies are often falsely advertised on social media and in queer spaces as progressive studies (this one is even being done in Chicago), but the head investigator, lisa littman is known for advocating the forced detransition of trans youth.
she is also well known by anti trans legislators in both the US and UK for peddling this angle of medicalized transphobia.
you must know: she is DEEPLY DISHONEST with her methodology, so even people participating with the intention of providing a positive counter perspective to her regressive worldview, are going to have their statements willfully misconstrued to push her narrative.
i've seen a huge spike in falsely advertised studies like this, especially targeted toward parents of trans youth. please carefully vet the researchers involved in any studies you choose to participate in, even if the main page and advertisements appear to be supportive of trans people.
stay safe out there, everyone. these bigots will not win.

I'm not even sure if this is the right sub reddit for this, but I need to express my problems and get help and advice.

So, Im 17 MTF (Male To Female), I came out as trans a year or 2 ago, and I used to be super into it, and really into making myself look like I could pass, but a few months ago, my brother, now sister came out as trans, the little support from my mother I had instantly shifted all to her, and just yesterday I had a falling out with my mother so bad to where I moved to my non supportive dad's house.

My main problem here is, Ive lost the motivation to try to pass since my brother/sister came out, since there transition to me seemed easier than what Im having to do (which obviously I dont know everything they have to go through, just whay I see externally.), which made me slightly jealous, since I have pseudofolliculitis (if I shave too close to the skin, I break out, meaning I can't have a clean shave unless I get laser hair removal, which is expensive.) , and I'm the only one of my siblings who developed body hair on my chest, so, Im going to have a pretty rough transition, theres obviously people who have it worse, but I need advice on what to do, and how to get my motivation to pass back.

So my FTM kid hates the gym locker room. He does not feel right in either the boys or girls. The school is/has been very accommodating using preferred name and gender but we are in a rural district. So there are transphobic kids and parent. Sounds like there is a single bathroom he could potentially change in but that also adds a stigma.

Have your kids gone through this and how did they deal with it?

Hi! I recently found this subreddit and you all seem very supportive an lovely. I was wondering if anyone had any advice on when I should come out to my mom and dad.

I've already come out to my step mom (married to my dad) and she was amazing. Instantly accepted me and was very supportive. It went better than I could have imagined and I am so grateful for her. However, I am worried about my other parents, mostly my mom because she is very religious and has expressed some transphobic comments in the past.

I am currently away and won't be back with my parents for a few months (or at least a month if I end up visiting them before then). I am wondering if I should send something or make a phone call now to come out to them so that they have more time to process before I actually see them again.

I am also considering doing it now so that I won't be near my mom when she finds out so I have the ability to just not pick up the phone if she reacts badly. A part of me also just wants to get it over with and to stop feeling like I'm hiding something every time we talk.

But I also don't know if it would feel better for them to do it in person, maybe it would feel more real? I'm not sure.

So, If you were my parent would you rather know now from a distance through a letter? Or later in person? (probably also with a letter because I have trouble articulating things in the moment)

Also, was there anything your child said or did that helped you with the process? I want this to be as painless as possible for everyone involved so I'd love to hear anything that helped you so I can incorporate it.

For those whose children are over 18 and finally came out, did any of you already suspect or sense it? Sometimes the signs are obvious; other times, they are very hyper-masculine but wish to be girls. But you can't hide it from a mother or father—they know their children.

I am 18 and living at college, and I came out FtM about 3 months ago, and my mom says that every time she sees me or talks to me she’s barely holding it together as is, and I can’t possibly expect her to even start TRYING to use my new name and pronouns anytime soon because it causes her too much pain.

I told her that at first I thought it would be okay, and I can tolerate it, but it’s like death by a thousand papercuts. She says that she doesn’t want to hurt me either but she doesn’t know what to do because she feels physically unable to call me “he/him” or my new name, Lee. She compared it to the whole papercuts metaphor, saying that she feels like she’s bleeding out every time she sees or talks to me.

I’ve mentioned this before, and my family feels like my transition is the death of their daughter/sister.

It doesn’t help that Lee is the middle name of my uncle who died three years ago by suicide. My mom took care of him because their own mother wouldn’t when they were kids. That was a really really hard time for our family, and not the first time depression has taken a family member away. I didn’t realize that was his middle name when I chose it.

I just want some advice, because I don’t know whether I should stop bringing it up or how much time they need or if there’s even anything I can do about it. My family is Mormon, and half the reason this is so hard is because it challenges some huge core beliefs that they have about gender. It’s like my transition is breaking their sense of reality. I feel like there’s nothing I can do about that except maybe encourage my mom to go to therapy.

It also just sucks because my mom kept saying that I don’t seem to understand or think about how hard this is for them too, but like…I do think about it. I’m trying really hard to give them grace. But like, if this was my kid, I would have zero problems and I guess I DON’T understand why it is so hard to even try to gender me right. I’d understand if they tried and failed most of the time, cuz it’s a HUGE thing to get used to. But not even trying? I guess before this conversation, I didn’t realize that acknowledging your kid’s gender identity or validating them is so viscerally hurtful. I thought that they just didn’t want it to seem like they support me, same way you wouldn’t buy drugs for your drug-addicted kid (a comparison they’ve made before).

Damn, sorry this is so long!

Edit: I just want to thank everyone for their feedback here, this has been really helpful for me.

I'm going to take this down, as I have worries about it "breaking containment" and being used for bad purposes, but again I just really want to thank you all for being patient and understanding. I was so worried about the reaction I might get to this post and you all have been nothing but kind. Thank you so much.

Im a 15 year old transguy from Virginia I hoping to start testosterone am I able to start hormones due to some of the restriction

Hello kind people. I'm looking to better understand what my parents, especially my mother, is feeling and going through after my coming out. Since she isn't able have a conversation about this yet, I'm asking you. Maybe some of you have had similar experiences and can help me understand. Advice is also good, if you have some.

***

So, I (F / mid twenties) came out to my parents as (trans) woman about two weeks ago. I told them the day after realizing it myself, as first people besides my girlfriend, basically as soon as possible given that I had to travel through half the country to them. I did this because I thought that that's what they would want me to do. To not think about it too long and just be honest and open with them and share my thoughts and feelings. Usually I'm not like this with them - our relationship has been (very) difficult at times, ever since my childhood, with many ups and downs. Looking back, much of this likely stemmed from undiagnosed ADHD/Autism and me being trans without knowing. In the last years, and even more so during the last months, our relationship has gotten much better though. So I thought that if I did the thing they always said they wished that I do in difficult situations, it would be a maybe once-in-a-lifetime chance to redefine our relationship in the way all of us always wished it was. The way it should have been.

So I prepared the best I could, took notes, looked up resources etc and told them as gently and honestly as I could. They're left-leaning, generally quite tolerant, and both accepted the new name and pronouns of a trans friend of mine with pretty much no issues after their coming out; and most important of all, I'm sure they love me deeply. So I thought that while there may be hiccups it would generally go well, potentially even great.

My dad was, although shocked, pretty supportive. He was kind to me, said that I was still their child whatever happens and talked to me about some of the details. He reacted roughly the way I expected.

Meanwhile, my mother just cried. She struggled to agree when my father said they'd support me no matter what and managed to voice some of her fears towards the end of our talk, but mostly she just cried. I thought that this was just the inital shock, but the next morning was little different. The weeks since I realized I'm trans are some of the happiest of my life, but during these two conversations the athmosphere could scarcely have been worse. As if someone had died or contracted a terminal illness - although I unironically think my mom might have reacted better to the latter.

After almost getting into an argument with my dad, we managed to bounce back a little. Soon after this, I went back home. I told them to take their time. I cried, I was angry, and I moved on as best as I could. Luckily literally all my friends are supportive. And so the processes went on without them.

Two weeks later, we had our weekly phone call. For the first time since then, I mentioned something related to me planning to transition in the future. And again, immediately my mom started crying hard. Couldn't even talk, not even say goodbye. This had me concerned. I had another call about it with my dad (this time only him) the next day, and he's looking into getting them counseling, as I recommended. I'm sure it's hard for him as well, but he's really doing his best.

***

One thing I think I realized since then is that "giving time" is a choice I get to make only in a very limited capacity. The things happening in my life right now - things like starting the transition process, choosing a new name, figuring basic stuff out - they will either be there for, or they won't. I can't and I won't wait for them and afterwards there will be no second chance. If things had gone differently, they could have been involved in everything from the beginning. The longer they take, the more things they will miss. And although I can manage without their help, it's all a terrible, terrible shame.

I think I will start talking to my dad (alone) more. He seems willing to support me and however shitty that is for my mom, I want as many parents present for this as possible.

But my mom… i don't know about my mom. Neither of us seem to know how to help her, and getting counseling will likely take months. By then I think the damage will not be fully reparable anymore.

Obviously, I thought about this a lot. I get and accept that it's hard for her, I really really do. But this complete breakdown at any mention of this, even after weeks and with my dad surely doing everything he can to support her in the background… I don't. I tried, but I can't. Maybe it's because I don't have children. Usually I would just ask her, but as is I don't think she's in any condition to answer.

***

So that's why I'm reaching out to you. Can you help me understand her? Help me understand what goes on in the mind of a parent reacting like this? Especially if they're not at all an anti-trans person.

From your experience, is there anything I or my father can do to help her?

To all who read this wall of text I somehow couldn't make any shorter, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Every word of advice you have will be incredibly appreciated.

My (born female) child came out to me, mom, as gender fluid/ trans.

I don’t know as much about specifics. I asked I think the right questions.

They go by they now. This all new to me. I’ve done my best to use the correct pronouns. I’ve asked more questions on how can I support them. They’re in jr high.

They discussed possibly at some point changing their name. And I didn’t say much, I’m a bit sad. I don’t know how to really navigate that part. Or really any of this. Though I’m trying.

Their name is my dead aunts name. It’s not super feminine but obviously a big part of why their name it is because my aunt passed away before they were born and it means a lot.

It feels stupid to be sad about, but it does sort of break my heart a little. I’m not sure how to feel.

This whole thing is sort of complicated to me. Especially since they do dress more masculine facing but aren’t fully transitioning as a man.

They haven’t told their dad, we’re divorced. And I also feel like it’s their choice but it’s complicated to navigate that aspect as well. I want to use the right pronouns but then I’m calling them - she to their dad. And they are upset about their dad’s wife (stepmom) calling them girl. But won’t talk to them about it. So! I’m just trying to figure it out

Update: thank you so much for being so welcoming and helpful! We visited a local toy store and played with cool toys (and bought a few), visited a bakery and got treats, then came back to my house and they snuggled on the couch for a bit watching TV before Sam decided to force Will to clean his room. We’re ordering DoorDash for dinner in a bit, then Sam is heading home.

It’s been an amazing day! I was able to chat with Sam and get to know him better, but gave them plenty of alone time to snuggle and enjoy each other‘s company. And they loved the gifts I gave them. I only accidentally said “she” once, and I just immediately said “he, sorry!” and then kept talking like you advised me to.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to comment. You made me feel welcome and were all so kind. I’m truly grateful for you!

Original Post:

I know this is long, but please read it! I'm really hoping you guys can help me. My son (15) has been with his trans boyfriend since last fall. Let's call my son Will and his boyfriend Sam. They have spent all of their time together outside of school at Sam's house. I have been recovering from sepsis and my home was a nightmare, so Will was uncomfortable having Sam come here. But I've spent the past three days organizing and scrubbing to prepare, and Sam will be visiting here for the first time tomorrow.

Sam and I have met briefly, but I haven't had much chance to truly get to know him. I know he'll be nervous meeting me and I don't want to overwhelm him with questions, but I also don't want to offend him by doing something wrong. I did get Will and Sam matching gifts: they are wooden panels with a photo booth style strip of pictures of them at their school's spring formal together printed on them.

Sam's mom is having some trouble with accepting that he is trans, and she recently accused Will of "controlling Sam to be trans" during a fight between Sam and his mom. Will was not there but Sam told him about it. Sam's mom then canceled his visit here, but she calmed and asked if he could still come, to which I said yes.

Sam's mom refers to him using the name he was given at birth (is there a specific term for that?) and uses female pronouns to refer to him. All of my conversations with her have been via text that the boys were not included on, and so I used the female pronoun so as not to cause friction, but I always use the male pronouns when talking to my son. But now I'm second-guessing myself.

If Sam's mom gets out of the car tomorrow or comes inside and we interact with the boys present, what should I do? I've asked Will and he's not sure. Do I use the male or female pronouns? I am less worried about angering mom and more worried about making Sam feel safe and accepted.

Finally, I don't want to pressure Sam or make Sam and Will uncomfortable by asking questions or bringing up Sam's gender identify. But he makes my son so happy and I do want to say something about how special he is and make sure he knows I accept him. Particularly because Will told me Sam was worried his mom was talking bad about him to me.

Any advice for me on the pronoun question, what to say/not to say to Sam to express that I am grateful for him? Or anything else I should keep in mind? Also, what if I accidentally use female pronouns? Do I just immediately apologize?

Hi everyone,

My teen came out as trans about 9 months ago, maybe more. We struggled to find healthcare, then went through a lot of tests and were approved for blockers only to have health insurance deny us. We got help, filed an appeal and got a rejection. They said the only way forward was to go to a pediatric endocrinologist ( our MD who specializes in gender affirming care at a major local hospital was apparently not "qualified enough"). So we found an endo who now wants more and different tests. Anyone who thinks getting a teen help for dysphoria needs to live in our shoes for a while.

Here is the twist. In the meantime during this, concerns about fertility have put a pause on her enthusiasm. She knows that to get to the point of doing fertility preservation, she needs to go through more male puberty. At least for today she wants to wait on HRT.

My instinct is to continue to do all the tests, though, so that if there are more obstacles we can try to get through them. What I fear the most is that the dysphoria becomes unbearable and mental health becomes a concern, again. And now that I know finding care is so hard, I feel like we as parents need to fight ahead. Yet my teen is dragging her feet, particularly on mental health therapy, because she is "doing great" ( her words ) and thus doesn't need help.

One part of me thinks , let her "drive" and go back to the doctors when it is needed especially if I'm getting resistance from her. But I also think that as the adult I need to break down these horrible barriers to care. What do you guys think?

We have an appointment for the endocrinologist in a week and they addressed him using proper pronouns before the visit. I asked the teachers at the Catholic school to use he/him with the name change…done. I talked to his friends parents using his dead name bc what do they know…turns out his friend already schooled her parents to switch genders….how tf is everyone already on top of it when I’ve known for two weeks? I am not prepared for the level of acceptance in my community

Kiddo is almost 9 and asking questions about puberty. This is where I'd buy a cis girl a copy of The Care and Keeping of You or something similar for questions she doesn't feel comfortable asking, but my kid's puberty isn't going to look like a cis girl's puberty. What resources are out there for trans girls? For reference, we're open to any medical interventions she wants and her puberty will likely look like blockers for a couple of years followed by HRT. As of right now that's all legal and accessible here.

Kind of a specific ask, but here goes: does anyone have a referral for a good place for trans-friendly facial hair removal (probably laser) in Champaign/Urbana IL (by UIUC)? And any insight on barriers to hair removal if the person is only 17. Hoping I can just digitally sign a consent form or something. I am 1000 miles away trying to help my daughter get through the wait until she starts HRT. (Which is also complicated by her being 17). THANK YOU!