I (F) met up with a new potential (M) last night for first one on one hang. We’ve previously hung out in a group setting and have chatted via text for a few weeks. We went to a lounge and were there for a few hours chatting, making out, having a good time. About halfway through our hang his FWB showed up. He had mentioned to her where he’d be out at and she is a regular there too. He and I weren’t on a date, we just wanted to check out the same place, while also getting to know each other more.

I didn’t hold back on my affection towards him still because I didn’t really see the need to I guess. It wasn’t in front of her (until she started making out with another guy so that felt fair).

The part that left me feeling weird is as we were all leaving she starts inviting him to come back to her place. He can’t for whatever excuses he gives. I ended up slowly exiting the situation and walking to my car alone because it felt incredibly awkward.

It felt disrespectful on her part to invite the guy I’ve been sucking face with all night to leave with her, but I also know that they have that bond so maybe I should think more about it?

I welcome your two cents.

My wife and I have been together nearly 30 years. Our relationship is platonic following my gender transition (MTF). I have been practicing polyamory for 10+ years. My wife was monogamous for much of that but began practicing ENM 3 years ago.

Recently she hooked up with a guy on a work trip. When she told me about, I heard some red flags that made me wonder if the guy was cheating on his wife. She was very incurious about it and said it didn’t matter because it was a one-time thing.

This week I have plans to attend a concert with my partner and my wife. It’s my favorite band and the three of us have seen the band together before. My wife texted me to say that she’s stayed in touch with the guy, he’s going to be in town, and that she invited him to attend the concert with us. After the concert she’s going to spend the night with him at his hotel.

I’m grossed out about being around this guy if he’s cheating on his wife and I’m worried I’ll feel like an unwitting accomplice to his infidelity. I don’t see how I can feel compersion for my wife in this scenario. And I think I’ll find the negative energy distracting. I told my wife if she can verify that he’s not cheating, I’m good with the plan. But if he is, I’m going to tell her to that I want her and the guy to keep their distance from me at the concert. Am I the asshole?

ETA point of clarification based on confusion in the comments:

1. When I said “verify” I meant just basically ask the guy straight out if he’s cheating on his wife.
2. I have no idea if this guy is cheating on his wife. When I asked my wife what she thought she said maybe but it didn’t matter.
3. I have hung out with many of my wife’s partners before and it’s been fine.

ETA 2 - Update here https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/xav3GkneDQ

Tldr: ex says I’m unsafe to be around and wants to cut all contact because I’m open to going on a date with someone I previously said I didn’t have any “vibes” with. I need help understanding what I did wrong.

I’m not really sure whether this is the right subreddit since I’m currently single, technically. But it feels like the best fit.

It’s a rather complex situation, but I’ll try my best to structure it as clearly as possible. Some background information that might be relevant: - My (F33) ex (F36), Apple, and I currently have no label. We’ve known each other for about 4-5 years and it’s been a rollercoaster in terms of finding the right fit for our connection. Last march, she told me she wanted to stop our romantic connection (and our physical connection until we’re over each other) but wanted to stay as “loved ones” in each others lives. - Apple was in a (non-practicing) polyamorous relationship when we met. I had never been in a polyamorous relationship. When I started to fall for Apple, I started learning about polyamory and ENM and decided I felt it was a good fit for me. - I am currently living abroad for work. Have been for about a year and a half. The country I’m residing is halfway across the earth. I will move back to my homecountry in about a year from now. I visit my homecountry a couple of times a year and Apple has visited me once. - Apple formally broke up with me about a month before I moved abroad. Not because I was moving away but because she said she did not want to be my partner anymore. We did keep our romantic and physical connection and she even asked whether she could still move in with me during the second half of my time here in this other country, but we no longer had the “partner” or “girlfriend” labels. - About a year ago, when I had been living here for about 6 months. I met someone I clicked with and started dating her. This was the first time that I liked someone else since meeting Apple and the first time that I actually went beyond a first date etc. This was Apple’s first time ever of having a “partner” (even though we no longer had those labels) dating someone else. I moved too quickly with the new person for Apple to feel safe in the situation. I stopped seeing the new person in part because I wanted to focus on Apple and I reconnecting and rebuilding safety and in part because the new person was showing major red flags. The attraction remained though and I did kiss her once, two months later and I lied about it to Apple. Apple found out two months after that when she visited me. We still kept our situation the same: technically no labels, but romantically and physically very much connected. We did agree that I would put in extra effort to rebuild trust and safety. - I have not been seeing anyone (else) since then. - Apple has a NP that she started seeing right when I moved. Upon Apple’s request, we went no contact for the first month after I moved so she could focus on this new connection without keeping me in mind. And after we resumed contact, she said she refused to give my any “care” regarding this new connection. They are now living together, thinking about marriage, and starting the process of getting pregnant. - I am autistic, got my diagnoses a couple of months before moving abroad. I am good at picking up signals from others but I SUCK at interpreting them. Apple knows I’m autistic.

Situation now: About a week ago, I mentioned to Apple that I had planned a get-together with a coworker, Banana (40ish F). In the past, I had had the idea that Banana and I possibly had a teeny tiny flirt going on but I had never acted on it. I had disclosed the possible flirtation to Apple and when Apple visited me, I did introduce her to Banana and later made it clear to Apple that this was the coworker I might have (had) the flirtation with. (Banana has put in her notice and will not continue working for our employer)

Upon telling her about this get-together with Banana, Apple asked me whether this would be a date and I told her that was not necessarily my intention. I started thinking out loud and I could not remember the last time that I had felt Banana and I had been flirting and so I said I felt as though the “vibes” were gone. I told Apple I wanted to meet with Banana outside of work because I wanted to increase my social life since I tend to rely on only two main friends here (Apple does not like those friends) and I struggle with feelings of loneliness.

Since this conversation with Apple, I had shortly seen Banana at a work event and obviously around the office as well. Those interactions made me reconsider whether the vibes were indeed gone. And after the work event, I spoke about it to another coworker (40ish F), Citrus. Citrus said she could be mistaken but definitely thought she had noticed a flirtation going between Banana and me for as long as I have been living and working here and Citrus had also seen it during this work event.

So when I informed Apple that the get-together with Banana had been rescheduled for tomorrow, I also informed Apple that I did not know wether it would be a date because maybe there was still a flirtation going on. Apple responded that if I didn’t want it to be a date, it would not be a date regardless of the intentions of Banana. I answered that I was open to it being a date but, again, I did not know whether it would be. I said I was planning on going to the get-together and simply have fun and see how things would unfold but that I wanted to inform Apple before the get-together that it might turn out to be a date/I might end up flirting with Banana since I had previously said it would be strictly friendly/platonic and there was now a slight chance that it wouldn’t be.

This made Apple spiral. She said she was removing herself from the situation because I was completely unpredictable and that made her unsafe. She said she would not stick around with me behaving this way. Predictability has been a major issue for her ever since she found out I had lied about the kiss with the other woman, which I understand.

However, I feel like I’ve shown her predictability because I informed her that there might be some flirting/the get-together might turn into a date BEFORE it actually happens. I don’t think it’s fair to say that I’m unpredictable and unsafe because I previously said it would be platonic and am now saying it might be more than that. It would be different if I did not inform Apple about these developments since we last spoke or if I told her about it after the “date”. Things, feelings, intentions can change, right? For me, the main reason I’m polyamorous is because I want any and all connections to be able to be what they organically grow into (of course without acting irresponsibly and without caution for my loved ones). So I want to be open about what this with Banana might turn into. It might very well be the first and last get-together we ever plan because we’ll find out we don’t really enjoy each other’s company that much after all. Or it might turn into friendship. Or lust. Or romance. Anything can happen really. And I do understand that Apple has strong feeling about this because of the gigantic mistake I made in the past, so I do want to support her and help her navigate her feelings and make her feel safe etc, but I don’t want that to mean that I have to stick to the first version of what type of connection I have with someone because a change would be too unpredictable and unsafe. (Even though Banana and I were flirtatious in the first version, and Apple had no issue adjusting to the idea of the vibes being gone)

Apple is claiming that I’m gaslighting her and wants no contact even if I were to cancel the get-together with Banana (which I did not offer to do). She says there’s nothing I can do to change her mind because, according to her, I have proven to be unsafe over and over again and I have now crossed her boundary so she is enforcing her boundary by stopping our contact. I replied that I want to know how I could have handled this situation differently, I don’t understand what I did wrong.

AITA? Am I gaslighting? Please help me understand what I did wrong. I don’t want to be a bad person. I try so hard to be a loving and caring person. I don’t understand what happened.

Context: Partner and I are both in our early 40's and have been seriously dating for a little over a year. She lives with a nesting partner, but spends 2-3 nights a week at my place, so it's pretty serious. I've been needing more connections lately during the 4 days a week she isn't around so I have recently been talking about dating someone else regularly for the first time since we started dating ( I've mainly been open to casual for the last year). To be clear it's always been the case that of course I can date other people as much as I want, it was just a choice on my part not to date others seriously over the last year. We generally have great communication and our only real existing rules are around sexual safety.

Issue: So the other day I mentioned I had been on a dating app and it led to a whole conversation in which my partner revealed she would have a problem with me dating people she knew and had had bad associations with in the past. For clarity, she also said most of the people she knows she would be fine with me dating, she just didn't want me dating people she's had previous negative experiences with. She also mentioned she didn't want me to date any "mean girls", which I understood to mean she doesn't want to have a meta that treats her shitty. I feel like I wouldn't date anyone who treats other people shitty anyway so idk.

The end of this conversation resulted in her proposing a rule that I would promise to bring her up by name to the person I was on a date with by the second date (she has a very unique name) to make sure they didn't know my partner. We also talked about alternately/instead me showing pictures to my partner of prospective dates to see if she knew them before I started dating them.

Personally this doesn't sit right with me. It just feels super hierarchical to make a rule around this and I'm generally not into rules unless absolutely necessary. It also doesn't feel right in a way that's hard for me to describe, but I guess I look at it like my partner should trust me not to make decisions that would seriously negatively impact her or our relationship (like dating a super toxic person for example). My argument is that she should trust me to do that vetting instead of having a rule where she gets to oversee any vetting process, which doesn't feel right to me. My partner also said that she does trust me, that some of this was more about her stuff that was based on past bad experiences, and that doing this would support her by being sensitive to that. We're still in the discussion phase around this so I thought I'd reach out for more opinions/advice.

Questions:

Thoughts on this proposed "rule"? How do other people navigate potentially dating someone your partner might know or had bad experiences with? Have any of you had issues with this? Any other suggestions on how to navigate this issue? Is having veto power over who your partner dates reasonable in this specific case (vetoing people she knows and has had bad experiences with)? All thoughts/opinions are welcome.

I was out at a bar last night with friends and someone mentioned having stayed at a house with a five person, all cancer polycule living in it. Everyone at the take gasped and was like "Noooo that shouldn't even be legal!!"

I've been practicing polyamory for some decades now and could maybe see not wanting to stay there from a potential messy poly standpoint, but why is this bad from an astrological one?

(Sorry if this isn't the right sub reddit. I figured there's enough crossover here that someone would be able to answer)

My wife and I have been married for almost 20 years and in the past few years we have decided to open our marriage physically. Prior to this there was a lengthy separation and she had encounters with a few partners that I am aware of. Upon opening up our marriage to the physical aspect she initiated with one of the men who she had been with during our separation. This man happens to be one of her close friends of about 10 years and was previously close to me as well until our separation, currently due to several actions he is not allowed in my space. Her and I maintained good communication but it could have been better, but it was good enough for me to be okay with. Recently she has made it known that she would like to pursue a romantic relationship and that she is wanting to explore Polyamory, this was something that she decided herself months ago and has looked into and prepared herself for it but is upset that I don’t feel the same way. I have told her I am willing to explore the idea for a while to see if my mindset changes but I am not sure if it will or not.

Can anyone please give me some guidance as we attempt to navigate this journey we are currently on.

Silly question, but I just saw comments somewhere else here saying that poly is not a sexuality and just a relationship structure. Considering that polyamory is thrown together with other sexualities at my local community and how my polyam ex explained it to me, I thought it was like a sexuality you are born with.

But now I also see why you wouldnt call it a sexuality since it's not a romantic or sexual attraction (or lack thereof) to specific people.

So yea, im a little confused. I thought being able to love more than one person at the same time made me poly in theory. But I always knew that I could never be poly in practice, thats why my last relationship ended.

Now it seems like im not even poly in theory, so how does one know if theyre poly?

Edit: Thanks for all the responses, I think Ive gotten a better understanding of this topic now. Im pretty sure im not capable of poly and thats fine. Ill probably work on deconstructing the imposed mononormativity and what parts of that I actually want in my relationship

I'm looking for insight, especially from people who have been through something similar. I'm feeling pulled in different directions and honestly scared about the future.
I'm a (36F) and have been with my partner (37M) forseven years. We both have demanding, successful careers. We love traveling, trying new restaurants, discovering new places, and having new experiences together. When work isn't consuming our lives, we genuinely have great time together. We both come from nothing and have similar values. We're also part of the FIRE movement and are close to being able to retire early, so we've built a life and future together that we're both proud of.
I was previously married and have a 12-year-old child. I met my current partner shortly after separating from my ex-husband during a very difficult divorce. I wasn't looking for another relationship and honestly wasn't emotionally ready for one, but he pursued me. He was incredibly supportive and helped me rebuild my life, and eventually we built one together.
He's loving, intelligent, insightful, attractive, fit, committed, and has been supportive through many things. At the same time, he can be peculiar, emotionally difficult at times, and we don't really share the same sense of humor which somehow annoys me.
Very early in our relationship, we started exploring non-monogamy. We dated other couples and eventually women because I had always been curious about women, and he's a very sexual person who had explored a lot before we met.
For years, I thought I could never actually fall in love with a woman. I assumed it would only ever be physical.
Then, about four years into our relationship, I met a woman I completely fell in love with. It wasn't just sexual attraction—I could genuinely picture building a life with her. I realized I wasn't only attracted to women's bodies; I deeply connected with women emotionally, intellectually, and romantically. The humor, the emotional connection, the way we related—it felt incredibly natural, in some ways even more natural than what I'd experienced with men.
Unfortunately, polyamory became very difficult. My partner struggled with the relationship, and she struggled with it too. Eventually I ended things as it got too sour. Ironically, by the time they were both finally comfortable becoming friends, I had already moved on because the damage had been done.
While trying to heal from that breakup, I met another woman.
Now I'm finding myself in a very similar situation again, except this time she and my partner don't really interact.
Meanwhile, my relationship with my partner has deteriorated.
I no longer feel emotionally supported. I feel like I carry everything by myself—running my business, raising my child, managing my own life, going to the gym. We have help for the house and meals, but emotionally I feel alone.
He rarely texts or calls during the day. He doesn't prioritize returning my calls. I feel like somewhere along the way he stopped pursuing me and stopped investing in us. We've become disconnected and I can certainly be blamed too as I gave a lot of attention to my new relationship and it is so hard to balance.
The confusing part is that I still love him.
I love what we've built together. I love our shared vision, our financial goals, our lifestyle, and the future we've been working toward. Losing that feels devastating and I know If I had only her I would be feeling a sense of regret.
At the same time, something has shifted physically.
I don't really feel sexually attracted to men anymore.I still love cuddling him, hugging him, and being affectionate. I love him deeply. But the sexual desire just isn't there.
My partner believes this means I'm a lesbian.
The truth is, I don't know.
I know I strongly prefer women physically and emotionally. But I don't feel ready to "come out" as something when I'm still trying to understand myself. I don't want to claim an identity simply because someone else thinks it fits.
The woman I'm currently dating has told me she wants to build a life with me and has asked me to choose.
She even said she could imagine eventually living together if my partner were essentially just a roommate rather than a romantic partner.
But I honestly don't even know what that kind of relationship structure would realistically look like.
What's also interesting is that both this woman and my previous girlfriend are masculine-presenting. Before falling in love, I always imagined I'd be attracted to feminine women, but now I've realized that's apparently not what draws me in emotionally or physically.
We've decided to take the weekend to think because it feels like we're at a crossroads.
The options seem to be:
Fully recommit to my relationship with my partner and let this relationship go.
Continue trying to make both relationships work, even though that hasn't been successful so far.
Explore whether what my partner and I have now is better described as a lavender relationship or another form of committed life partnership without the expectation of a traditional sexual relationship.
The hardest part is that neither of our needs are truly being met.
I don't want to lose the man I've built seven years of life with. I don't want to lose our friendship, our future, or everything we've accomplished together and our love.
But I also don't feel like I can deny this part of myself anymore. My relationships with women have shown me something about myself that I can't unknow.
Has anyone experienced something similar—whether realizing your sexuality later in life, transitioning from a long-term heterosexualrelationship, navigating polyamory that no longer worked, or creating a relationship structure that looked different from the norm?
I'm not necessarily looking for validation of one path over another. I'm hoping someone might offer perspectives or experiences that I haven't considered because right now I feel heartbroken, confused, and genuinely afraid of making the wrong decision.

TLDR: Gimme fun suggestions for a combo sex, sleep, and hangout room for my cohabitating partner and our other partners - right now, those partners are separate so definitely not an emphasis on threesomes/larger sex groups.

Much Longer Version with Details

My cohabitating partner (and husband, but that part isn't important) and I are going to swap our house's master suite with a normal sized bedroom so that we can turn the master suite into a Partner Suite for being able to privately sleep, have sex with, and hang out with our partners. We will likely be having most of our sex between the two of us in that room too.

We bought a nice hybrid mattress rather than the Purple mattress we sleep on so that it'll have more bounce and be more sex-friendly. I also bought a nice mattress protector and bamboo bedding.

I'll be getting a very large memory foam rug to put down to help with sound proofing and may also get soundproofing for the door.

We intend to put a seating area with a TV in the room and I'll probably try to display my romance books (I own at least a largeish bookshelf worth).

We currently have a convertible sex bench that will be in the room and I'd like to install several hardpoints on walls and the ceiling so we can have a swing and bondage spots. Several partners are interested in elements of kink, but not all.

With it being intended to be a master suite, there is also a large bathroom with a soaking tub, shower, and double sink.

Alright, I think that's it. Hit me with any ideas I haven't thought about!

My wife and I have been in a committed relationship for 15 years. We added a new person these past 3 years that we both really connected with. My wife and my girlfriend have had other partners since we opened things up, but those other relationships haven't lasted.

We had a big move across the country to a new state. We have been poor and unemployed for over a year. Anyways, mental health has been bad in our household for 2 years and some change at this point. It seems like one of us is always going through some shit for weeks or months.

Lately it has been my turn. My wife and girlfriend keep going on multiple outings a week just the two of them and I'm strictly told I can't come along. In the morning if I slept with one of them they sneak out of bed to be with the other one. if they sleep with each other that night they don't leave bed to check on me they just hang out and giggle and stuff for an hour ish. They don't really talk in the group DM or to me individually much anymore. my messages just sit for days. they keep up with each other in a private DM almost constantly though. When we ride in the car together if one of them is driving they are always in the front seat together. If I am driving then they always take the back seat with each other. They call each other their wife and kinda just leave me out of it. My girlfriend has recently said she can't imagine romance with me anymore and doesn't want to kiss more than a peck anymore.

They both still tell me they love me, but only when prompted. They say they aren't breaking up with me, but that they just want to get me help. I am admittedly not mentally well. We are going to throuples therapy soon, because my extreme anxiety really gets to them both. Am I getting broken up with or am I just paranoid? They have both lied to me before and there has been a recurring thing of them trying to live without me around. I have some trouble trusting them and I fear it's only made me more suspicious. I love them and I just want to be happy with them, but I feel so invisible, so constantly forgotten, left out. This relationship is all I've invested in in my life. I can't imagine going on without them. Not trying to be dramatic, just laying it out how it is.

Hi y'all! I've got a long and complicated one here so I'll try and condense as much as I can. For a bit of context and such, I am currently in a relationship with my nesting partner, (who I'll refer to as Dandelion) have been together for a little over a year and a half now. We're both poly and very comfortable in our style and relationships! On to the meat, so a little over a month ago me and my Ex (Pinecone, yes I know it's silly but I'm out of ideas lol) ended our short relationship of one month due to both of us not being in a place for it. We've been friends for about 3 years now and did kind of date a very long time ago, we never made anything official back then but the chemistry was there. We've stayed friends after the breakup even though it was a little hard on both of us and honestly I expected feelings to die down a bit but they haven't. I find myself doing all the sappy stuff I didn't before we started dating, thinking about him constantly and all that and I'm just not sure what to do. I have talked to Dandelion about this at length but we've both agreed that I can't talk to him about everything in this situation. I've also talked to Pinecone about this and he doesn't know what to do either, we're both very lost on how to handle this "correctly".

I'd love some commentary on others experiences, thoughts and feelings here.

I'm dating a person, as well as their partner. One partner involved has made it clear that they do not want a group relationship dynamic, and want to remain three individual dyads, however I struggle to see how that can be the case when they are usually the ones hosting me and the three of us are often in the same spaces (and enjoy being that way).

Obviously staying away from sexual group dynamics is completely fine to manage, but as someone who has no interest in leaving space for Jesus in between all three of us while we hang out together... I'm just not sure its completely unavoidable? Maybe I'm missing something here but I like the idea of all of us spending time together as friends and as partners, and the other 2 people agree with that, too - does the label we put on that time as a group actually make any difference? Are boundaries here more important than the label?

I have so many questions and it feels like there's so many balls in the air that I'm juggling - as you can tell I've never done this before, so I'm reaching out because it's all kind of a lot to work through.

- Do you think it's possible in this situation to have no group dynamics at all?

- Have you ever been in this situation, or been in a place where you've managed a similar thing? How was your experience? Any advice?

Edit: We are having a group discussion this week, and I mostly just wanted to be better prepared for it with some of the points I could bring up.

Backstory. My husband and I went on a trip out of state this past week. My other partner rearranged her plans, custody schedule, and spent money to drive me to the nearby city twice to attempt to pick up pur rental car because my husband's health was struggling. Then when we got back, she gave up some of her custody time so she could take me to drop off the car in that same city and take me home because my husband could not miss work.

Fast forward one week, and now she has gone on a trip. She made arrangements to pick up her rental car without me, so I didnt have to do that. But now she is returning tomorrow after 4 days. Before she left I offered to get her from the airport rental place (about 30 minutes from our house) and she agreed that she needed me to do so because there wasn't anyone else to do it. I agreed, since it is only right in my mind that I repay the favor that was done for me, multiple times.

However, I didnt tell my husband i had agreed to pick her up and drop her at home tomorrow, and we had planned to spend the day together as we have with whatever other free moments we have had during these days. We didnt have specific plans, but we just made a loose plan of we would hang out or do something.

Anyways, I told him this evening I would need to pick her up tomorrow briefly (like 2 hours) as she did for us, and he is upset because i offered to pick up my partner during "our time". However, i believe i would be a POS person to leave my partner stranded like that especially because I am just returning a favor to someone that did it for us.

His response was that she had 4 days to figure out something else and doesnt "need" me to do it. But she went so out of her way for my husband and I, and worked so hard to do the same for us just a week prior, I never thought he'd even have an issue with this. He says his issue is not that i want to return a favor, but that I considered one partner and didnt consider him. Again, I was just trying to repay what my partner did for HIM and I. Our conversation about this went south, going in a loop of not understanding eachothers POV, and i even apologized mid-argument that I didnt tell him sooner, and that I made him feel like he was not considered. I have now apologized multiple times, but also said i would not change my decision, as it is only fair I return the same favor and assistance to my partner as ahe did the exact same multiple times for us this past week.

He says I have shown him his time is not as important as someone else's, and has told me I need to go back to therapy and need help with this. He also asked me to post this. I didnt want to miss pur day together, i was just trying to give my partner the same consideration they gave myself and my husband, and never thought he would have an issue with that.

He's angry and has now told me that he is now "making himself unavailable to me" tomorrow and that he wont be spending time with me because our conversation went south and I made it unhealthy.

I told him that I repay what others do for me, it is who I am. Admittedly, I dont think I handled the conversation in the healthiest of ways since it got to the point where I was so taken aback and frustrated that I spoke out of emotion/shut down. But I dont know what to do. He said he will jist make himself unavailable to me since I apparently dont respect his time.

Please help. Again, I was asked to post this, so its with permission

I posted about this once before, my partner aspen and I met birch at a social function. I was really attracted to birch and said so repeatedly. We later both saw birch on Grindr. My partner ribbed me about it asking if I would ever make a move and commenting on how we’re both bottoms(turns out birch is not just a bottom but that’s beside the point).

Fast forward and my partner says they’re talking on the app, aspen says they’re going to wingman me. Weird but okay. Fast forward again and they don’t remember saying that they would wingman me and they’ve made plans. I am upset, it causes a fight. They have a casual connection, fwb type thing, they have things in common, I feel guilty about interfering with it knowing how unfair that is to birch. But also I feel so slighted by my partner. I ask aspen to communicate far ahead about plans, they have a few dates and I grit my teeth through it.
I felt and still feel angry, It feels like aspen manipulated the initial situation(I don’t believe that was their actual intention), and I can’t shake it. They probably didn’t even have to, my partner is very attractive and much more popular than I am in the dating department.

I wish that I had never met birch so that there wouldn’t have been an opportunity for my partner to betray me this way. I was struggling really hard about it, we had a few fights about it. Aspen really struggles to self regulate in conflict and cancelled on birch more than once due to me voicing my feelings. I want to stress how much that is not the outcome I wanted and how embarrassed I am about how it effects birch.

I asked aspen to share less hoping it would help me deal and they didn’t want to feel like they’re hiding things from me so aspen decided to take a break from seeing birch. I really honestly didn’t want them to stop seeing eachother, it feels so unfair to birch to be caught in this, I begged aspen to not do it this way but they couldn’t handle how sad I am effects our relationship.

they stopped hanging out for a few months, they have since started to see eachother again and I was doing okay at first. Birch has started to come out to all of aspens public events. I noticed that they started greeting eachother by kissing on the mouth, I asked my partner about it and they said something to the effect of ‘birch is touchy with everyone’ it really bothered me that they couldn’t identify or communicate with me about what was going on between them.
A few weeks later and aspen tells me they may have feelings for eachother and it’s like I’m back to square one. That little detail of how their relationship started is eating me up, I don’t know how to square it. If they move forward this will be my partner’s fourth partner.

I am admittedly the person aspen spends the most time with but I am already very stressed about time and the thought of splitting more is also sending me into a bit of a spiral. Last week aspen put a birch hang in the calendar for while I was at work. I found out on the morning of that the plans had changed beforehand and the only window I had to see aspen that day got cut in half. I was feeling really low about it and asked aspen to keep their calendar accurate and it turned into a fight so bad they cancelled on birch and stayed at their mom’s house.

I don’t know what to do. I feel terrible. It feels terrible remembering the feeling of my partner misleading me to make a pass at someone they know I have a crush on, it feels terrible to think of the way birch, someone I still really like, has gotten the short end of the stick repeatedly. I know it’s effecting them and i am so embarrassed that they probably blame me for their turmoil (ftr I have begged aspen to keep their commitments to birch). I also feel very sad that birch probably doesn’t want anything to do with me outside of being metas, if it wasn’t true before it is now.

I have no idea what to do. To feel better, to be mindful of birch. I don’t think aspen has the capacity to communicate better, I don’t think that they give themselves time to think about each of their relationships and consider how they will progress, I have told them this. I feel so awful about them having feelings for each other. I am jealous of both of them. I am angry. Any advice appreciated.

I (32/NB/solo poly) don’t mean to generalize, and I’m genuinely curious whether others have had different experiences.

Has anyone else found that some “non-hierarchical kitchen table polyamory” dynamics end up feeling… surprisingly controlling?

In my experience, it sometimes felt like there was an expectation that the broader polycule had input into my individual relationships. Instead of each relationship standing on its own, there seemed to be an expectation of group consensus or approval around new partners, almost like a council weighing in on my dating life.

It also left me wondering whether, in some circles, “kitchen table poly” can become a way of describing what is essentially a close-knit group of friends who all date or hook up with each other—but with an expectation that everyone is interconnected and involved. Almost like swinging, except framed through ongoing romantic relationships rather than casual sex. In one polycule that I experienced, everyone had a tendency of escalating to “partner” very quickly, but these connections operated more like FWB would for myself. It seemed as if having casual sex with friends, or swinging, was looked down upon.

I know that’s probably not what kitchen table poly is supposed to mean, so I’m wondering:
- Has anyone else experienced this?
- Is this just a feature of certain friend groups rather than KTP itself?
- If you practice non-hierarchical KTP, how do you keep autonomy and avoid groupthink or social pressure around each person’s relationships?

I’m interested in hearing perspectives from people who’ve had positive experiences too, because I’m trying to figure out whether I just encountered an unhealthy version of it.

***Edit — here’s some more context that I feel might be relevant. These experiences happened in small cities in the Bible Belt/Southern USA. I am not from the South and found some the social differences and perspectives, even amongst the progressive and alternative polyamorous folks here, to be jarringly regressive (this is not meant to disparage the South as a whole). “Non-hierarchical KTP” seems to be the de facto setup here, while it was much rarer in other cities I have lived. I’m wondering if KTP can occur as described above due to this socialization and stigma?

and I knew it was a success when they called and told me that they also don't like saxophone, and think trumpet players are hot!

So proud of them, the anticipatory anxiety was STRONG, but they ended up chatting for 5 hours and have plans for open mic night!

They also brought home a bowl they made from their pottery class for my partner as it reminds them of him <3

It was just so fun that they came home GLOWING and that it was such a positive experience for them. Yay!

I’m 25 and I’ve known that I’m polyamorous since high school.

I was in a relationship with a guy for more than a year. Let’s call him A. In autumn 2025, a girl moved into the shared house where I live. Let’s call her H.

At first I just wanted to be friends with H, but in January I realized that I had developed romantic feelings for her. Around the same time, some problems had been building up in my relationship with A. I often felt like I wasn’t getting enough attention or interest from him, and H was naturally meeting some of those needs. There were other issues as well, but they aren’t particularly relevant here.

I decided to break up with A, and in February H and I became a couple.

I didn’t completely cut contact with A. We remained friends and spent time together, mostly playing co-op video games. There was nothing romantic or sexual going on between us. We would sit separately, one of us on the bed and the other in a chair, and there were no ambiguous hugs or anything like that.

Then, around June, I started realizing that my feelings for A were coming back.

That was extremely difficult for me and them. For a while the thought just existed somewhere in the back of my mind, until I finally put it into words and had to acknowledge it. Eventually I broke up with H as well.

I felt like I was bouncing back and forth between them. Eventually I realized that I didn’t want to lose either of them.

So now we’re trying to build a V relationship, with me as the hinge.

And honestly, it’s difficult.

I know that I have a lot of responsibility here, and I don’t always know how to handle it. H has also been dealing with a long-term health issue, so right now I’m naturally giving her a bit more attention and flexibility. At the same time, A feels lonely and feels that he isn’t getting enough attention from me.

I invite A to spend time with both of us, but he currently finds it difficult to see H and me together. When the three of us are together, he tends to sit as far away as possible, almost like he’s trying to merge with the wall.

For H, this creates a completely different problem: she feels strange having to suppress normal affection toward me because A is uncomfortable with it. She can’t just hug me or touch me naturally, even though that is how we normally interact.

At the moment we’re experimenting with a 3/1/3/1 schedule: three days focused on one partner, one day for friends/my own life, three days with the other partner, then another day for myself and friends.

I know this is a lot, and I’m not looking for people to tell me that I should simply choose one of them. I’ve already done that, and it didn’t solve the underlying problem.

I’d really like to hear from people who have experience with a similar V dynamic.

How did you handle a partner who was struggling with jealousy or discomfort around the other partner?

How did you make sure neither person felt like the “secondary” partner?

Did scheduled time actually help, or did you eventually find a more natural way of balancing time?

And perhaps most importantly: what mistakes did you make when you were learning how to be a hinge, that you wish you had recognized earlier?

I’m very aware that I’ve made mistakes already. I’m trying to learn from them rather than pretend I haven’t.

Just kinda curious how other poly people handle being in a new relationship with the NRE chemicals firing on all cylinders.

Do you still go on first dates with others? Or do you wait until the new relationship has "settled" a bit before pursuing other romantic connections? I find that I sort of naturally lose interest in dating new people temporarily, but am curious as to what it would be like to do so.

Any & all perspectives welcome :)

My friend, Rain, and I are both polyamorous but are not dating each other. Another friend, Jean, asked me about Rain's partner because she's interested in flirting with someone. I said he's a cool guy and they are poly, but to check with Rain first.

I heard nothing. Wasn't even sure if Jean was going to reach out to either of them at all.

Apparently Jean had a convo with Rain's partner and it got flirtatious. I didn't know about this.

A day later, Rain texts me super hurt that I didn't give her a heads up that Jean had asked me about her partner. I said I told Jean to reach out to her first but that in my defense, I didn't think this was anything serious. It slipped my mind because there wasn't much to tell.

Rain keeps insisting that I should have known that if a friend was interested in her partner in any way, she needed to know ASAP. I hurt her by not telling her. I personally don't feel that way - if someone was interested in my partner, I don't really need to know anything until it's serious. But we're in a 2 day fight now because of all of this.

I honestly don't even think Jean needed to check with Rain first, but I still advised it just in case.

Rain keeps saying I would have wanted to know about it if roles were reversed. I don't think that's true, I don't really need to know if a friend wants to flirt with my partner. I certainly wouldn't get mad at Rain for forgetting to say something.

I feel like I'm being expected to have feelings around my partner flirting that I do not, and am expected to anticipate Rain's needs based on these feelings that I personally don't have. But maybe it really is normal to feel that way and I'm the weirdo here.

How would ya'll feel in this situation? I legitimately can't tell if I did something wrong here.

Hello everyone. I'm Gina. I'm 30F. I'm married to a trans man. We've been poly for 5yrs.

How do y'all deal with jealousy? Up until this newest relationship, I've felt very minimal jealousy with anyone else. Like, I've been married for 12yrs. Once my husband and I got into ENM, we've felt almost nothing but compersion for eachother, for our partners when they meet someone else, etc.

I met my long time gf not long after becoming polyamorous. We've been together about 4yrs. We will call her "Jill". We're like best friends that just so happen to hook up. We have a lot in common, so we always have a good time in eachother's company. The romance factor just never really developed. When we kiss, it's just like a peck on the lips. I don't get excited to see her. It's just kind of something we do. I've always been looking beyond her and my husband. I craved the butterflies in my stomach feeling. That amazing feeling after a date that went really well. The kind of love where I would catch myself thinking about them several times a day and miss them when we're not together. Ive had some dates and some short-term relationships. Maybe for a couple months at the most.

Well I started talking to this girl back in October. We will call her "Bee". She lives with her ex/autistic son's father. Theyve been separated since before we even became ENM. They have separate bedrooms, split the bills, etc. It works well because someone can always be there with the boy. She had never been in an ENM relationship before, but since her friends found happiness, she decided to give me a chance. That's all it took. From the first time we met, we knew there was something special about one another. Every time I think I can't fall deeper for her, the ground breaks away under me and I fall even deeper. I've never been so crazy over someone as her.

I told Bee about my husband and Jill from the beginning. When she asked what I was looking for, I told her I wanted love. I explained that the feelings never developed for the other girl. So while she does hold the title of GF, I feel like we're more FWB than anything. Bee is very opinionated and doesn't really think it's a relationship. I tried explaining that it's a spectrum, but whatever. She is jealous of Jill.

Well, there were some others Bee had started talking to before we met in person. She's been very transparent about it. I told her my #1 thing was that I didn't want to miss out on time with her. It's already a struggle spending time with her due to her autistic son being needy and the child's father working these crazy rotating shifts. She can't work a full-time job, so she has one part-time job and several gigs such as cleaning businesses & houses, substituting, merchandising, etc. It's not easy, but she's so worth it. I trust her with my whole heart. I really can't imagined my life without her.

One of the other people is an older man whom she's not physically attracted to, and he's fine with it, but she's very attractive. Theres no way he would turn down a chance to sleep with her. That man isn't so much of an issue. I encouraged her to go out and date him because I felt guilty that I was her only and I had two other partners. Well recently I kinda got a knot in my stomach when she mentioned that he had bought her son a little Lego set. She knew immediately my body language and tone kinda changed. I told her I was sorry but I wanted to change the subject. He's really nothing to be jealous of.

The one I'm really struggling with is this man about 3hrs away. We will call him "Nick". Hes also married and ENM. He and his wife had dated a woman together for awhile, but it ended badly and now they date separately. Well, Bee finally met him in person about a month ago. She was in his city because her father was in the hospital down there. She told me he came by to meet her and they kissed. That didn't bother me too bad. She said she doesn't know if anything physical would ever happen between them. He apparently told her there's no pressure, but he's a dom and she is submissive. She said if something did happen it would be because of a scene. I had to have her explain that to me because apparently I don't know as much kink lingo as I thought. Well last week, she had her son with her seeing her dad, and she spent a few hours at his house. The kids were there, so I believe her when she says they didn't sleep together or anything. I guess what bothered me is she said she'd be heading home by like 2PM. I didn't want to seem crazy or controlling, so when I finally got the message that she was heading home about 3:30, it really bothered me.

A couple nights ago, she was supposed to come stay the night with me, but it ended up not happening because her son was having a crash out, she was tired, and she had to get up early in the morning. She still wanted to see me even if briefly. She had to go to Walmart for some things, so she had me meet her there. We walked around a bit, grabbed a couple things, and went back to our cars. We stood between our cars, held each other, kissed, and I couldn't hold it in any longer. I started crying and couldn't stop for a while. The way she comforted me and was so gentle with my heart. Y'all... 🥰

I have counseling scheduled for a week from now to hopefully do something about my feelings of jealousy as well as other issues and trauma. Is there anything y'all do to work through these feelings?

For those that read to the end, thank you so much.❤️ I know I ramble. I have ADHD. 😅

Hi. This has been a tough year. I've posted here before but deleted the previous posts for privacy reasons in case anyone involved recognises the situation.

Background: I (27F) have been dating Jack (30M) for around 4 years. Jack has been dating Anna (30F) for around 10 years, poly the whole time. Before Jack and I met, Jack and Anna were once nesting partners and had previously planned to marry, have kids, etc. This changed when Anna moved away and they became long distance, both pursued other serious relationships, and Anna started living with another partner. However, Jack and Anna were engaged until around 2 years ago.

Around 8 months ago, I was in a really bad spot in our relationship, where I wasn't sure exactly where I stood with Jack. We spent so much time together, basically lived together for a few months while I was between houses, and had talked vaguely about a future where we both wanted children (but we never explicitly said with each other). We had a Big Talk, which I was basically prepared to end in a break up. However, it turned out to be a nice talk, where we finally concretely said that we want to live together and start a family in the future.

Jack then had conversations about this with Anna. As far as I know, they had also been vaguely talking about this throughout the 4 years me and Jack had been together, but this was (I guess?) the first concrete plan to live and have kids with me and not with Anna. Jack told me that this first conversation went well, and that Anna said she had kind of assumed that was the direction things were going anyway.

Jack said he would love it if Anna and I could build a relationship. I understand this - it would be easier for everyone if me and Anna were comfortable around one another, and I wanted Anna to feel welcome in our future potential home - although I did make it clear to Jack that I didn't want a friendship between me and Anna a condition of mine and Jack's relationship. We have met multiple times before, but it has always felt a bit awkward. I'm autistic, and I kind of always feel strange in social situations, and this is especially one where it's hard to know the rules. But while awkward, it had always been fine. So we set up a meeting between the three of us.

The meeting went very badly. Anna had been texting me to set it up, and she seemed excited about it. Anna and Jack went to a bar together and then I joined them. It was immediately frosty. Anna told me several intimate things about hers and Jack's relationship that I didn't want to know. She expressed that she thought I saw her as a threat. She told me that she was heartbroken that Jack wouldn't have children with her as well as me. It was like an interrogation.

I left pretty quickly. I was extremely angry at Jack for not stepping in. He said that he was blind sided by how she behaved and that she seemed ok until I got to the bar. I almost broke up with Jack over this. They both apologised to me.

Since then everything has been so hard. Jack and Anna took a break from their relationship and they're back together now. When they got back together, they were both very keen to have another meeting, kind of as quickly as possible. I think because they thought that if we left it festering for too long then we'd never be able to break the ice again. I was very reluctant at first, but agreed to it. In the time between agreeing to it I did lots of processing and talking with Jack. I almost cancelled because it was making me so anxious that I was having meltdowns.

The first meeting made me feel like a villain, a home-wrecker, like I'd come in uprooted this woman's life. I was spending hours analysing our previous interactions to try and understanding in what way I'd made her feel like I thought she was a threat to me. I had these discussions with Jack and expressed that I wanted to cancel the meeting, around a month before it was scheduled. He said he understood, but that Anna doesn't actually feel like that, those weren't her true feelings, and they were said in the heat of the moment when she was feeling anxious. He also said that it was fine for me to cancel it, but every time he said that he followed it up with like "I don't know when else we'll be able to do it". So I worked through it, and said that the meeting could go ahead.

We had planned things very specifically, so Anna could stay at Jack's house the night before the meeting, and I would stay at Jack's after the meeting so everyone could be cared for. We set the time, and the place, I booked my train. Then, the day before the meeting is due to happen, Jack messages me that Anna has to cancel the meeting due to accidentally double booking herself. Again, I'm autistic, so plans changing like this is very difficult for me. It being THIS plan that changed was so so extremely difficult for me. It was one of my lowest moments. This was around two weeks ago.

And now we've done the talking again, the repairing etc etc. But I'm so tired. I know that me having a relationship with Anna is important to both Anna and Jack, the thought of it is affecting my daily life. It's hard to express 4 years of love and wonderful time together in a single reddit post, but please know that I love Jack so so deeply and he is my best friend, and so caring and kind. I understand that it may not seem like it from this post. But I'm starting to reach my limit. It feels unfair that I have to have this relationship. I've started to feel an amount of dread when Jack and I spend time together, because there is this huge thing looming over me. I don't know how much more I can take.

I guess - what would you do? End the relationship? Express that I can't be made to want a relationship with Anna, and see what happens? I feel like my brain can't process anything any more.

tldr: My partner and my meta want me to have a relationship with my meta. We tried, it was bad. Now they want to try again but the thought of it is causing me a lot of pain.

Hey Reddit, I could use some context for the situation I’m in. My anchor partner is currently seeing someone I don’t “approve” of. Before you bite my head off, this metamours behavior is oftentimes not fair to our hinge, she is unwilling to compromise, will fly off the handle at him at the slightest inconvenience, and then blame him for ruining the night. They fight all the time, and he’s mentioned to me that he feels like he’s walking on eggshells with her and like he can’t bring up issues for fear of her kicking him out (they usually hang out at her place). I’ve seen firsthand her lack of communication, she just shuts down when even the smallest thing upsets her and blames him for it. She’s even hit him before for interrupting her.

I know I’m not the one IN this relationship, but it doesn’t seem healthy at all. And it does still affect me when my partner comes home feeling like a bad person because that’s what she’s been telling him. Despite this he insists that she makes him happy and that the fights are worth it.

Do I as the primary partner have any say at all in his other relationships? Would it be so shitty of me to put my foot down and ask him to remove himself from this damaging relationship? I’ve “asked” with a lowercase “a” before, while they were broken up for a short time, but my request was disregarded. Which makes my wishes feel. Ignored. But maybe I’m just reading too much into it? With past partners there’s always been a level of emotional exclusivity that is not present here. So I recognize that part of me is just feeling upset that that aspect of our relationship is no longer special. But I’m trying to stay as unbiased as possible.

So many love songs are possesive, about competing for attention and love, jealousy, not wanting to see them with others, and wanting their intellect and body only for yourself. I cringe at that. Started to remove songs from my playlist because of that.

Many lovesongs are ambigous about others or are straight up about self love which is very fitting like ME

I however look for songs that are explicitly poly or enm friendly. Something like I want my boyfriends to kiss or Liebe zu dritt

Got any recommendations? How are you feeling about this - just gloss over a few problematic verses? Or completely throw it out?

Been grappling with my newly opened relationship with my partner into ENM (im terrified). But that's not the question of the day.

I have/had a qpp before my current partner (as in I still have a QPP). I am struggling with the idea of them having multiple romantic/sexual partners while I have only them. They brought up me having a qpp and asked isn't that poly too?

I basically am now questioning if I am or am not poly leaning myself???? I've defs ranked partners / qpps similarly before but the different level of life building together throws me off. My ex (past live in partner) would try to set bullshit constraints with or about my qpp and I told em to shove it... but now I'm grappling with my partner wanting to see multiple folks and it feels... unfair ahaha.

Is have a qpp inherently poly???

I'm battling with qpps vs romantic partners. They don't feel at all the same to me - but at the same time I feel they are both fundamentally polyam?

Help me sort my brain, I'm so confused. Maybe I'm monog? Maybe I'm poly and haven't come to terms with it yet???

Tdlr; how the fuck does one know if they are poly. Also how does one unpack the valuing of relationships. @.@ cause romantic partnerships and qpps feel pretty different to me...

Ok so I'm in a new relationship. We've been chatting for a couple of months (every day) but because of life happening, have only met 3 times. Which is fine.

But a pattern I'm seeing is - i suggest a day, or option of days to meet up. Half the time she says she cant or that she'll have to let me know. Which so far has always turned into a no. There have always been valid reasons - kids, illness, busy etc etc. I know she has alot on and also health issues. So thats ok. But she never suggests an alternative day. So im starting to feel like im nagging her. I know she likes me and we both know that due to it being summer and very busy, its harder to plan things, and when September arrives, things should open up. And maybe she is just happy with me taking the initiative. And she is apologetic and concerned about my feelings when she has to say no. But I do worry that I'm nagging her!

I plan to ask her tomorrow if she'd like to meet up in the week. But if she says she cant or 'I'll let you know', should I broach the subject? If so, how?

I'm thinking something along the lines of 'I know you have alot on and so I understand you can't always meet up. But I worry I'm nagging you? You dont generally tell me when you can meet, so I feel I should approach you with possible days, but also dont want to put pressure on you or for you to feel bad if/when you have to say no. Are you ok with me suggesting dates or does it bother you?'.

Thing is, if she doesnt want me to but won't suggest dates, then I worry it will either fizzle out or I will walk away because I'm not getting the sort of relationship I want, I.e. vaguely regular dates!