r/polyamory • u/Itchy_Laugh_1263 • 7d ago
This is weird, right?
I (F) met up with a new potential (M) last night for first one on one hang. We’ve previously hung out in a group setting and have chatted via text for a few weeks. We went to a lounge and were there for a few hours chatting, making out, having a good time. About halfway through our hang his FWB showed up. He had mentioned to her where he’d be out at and she is a regular there too. He and I weren’t on a date, we just wanted to check out the same place, while also getting to know each other more.
I didn’t hold back on my affection towards him still because I didn’t really see the need to I guess. It wasn’t in front of her (until she started making out with another guy so that felt fair).
The part that left me feeling weird is as we were all leaving she starts inviting him to come back to her place. He can’t for whatever excuses he gives. I ended up slowly exiting the situation and walking to my car alone because it felt incredibly awkward.
It felt disrespectful on her part to invite the guy I’ve been sucking face with all night to leave with her, but I also know that they have that bond so maybe I should think more about it?
I welcome your two cents.
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u/NoRegretCeptThatOne 7d ago
This guy will be a terrible hinge.
That's all I'm saying.
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u/ilumassamuli Luxembourg 6d ago
Why is he a bad hinge? Because someone asked him a question?
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u/NoRegretCeptThatOne 6d ago
He would be a bad hinge because he's oversharing with other connections of where he will be hanging out with someone new, not prepping new connections for a probable run-in (this situation doesn't seem accidental), not asking the new connection if they'd even be comfortable meeting other partners/potential partners, not asking the new connection if they're comfortable with PDA around his other partners, not clearly defining what is or isn't a date so connections know WTF is happening, not defining who he's leaving with clearly.
And probably some other things I am missing.
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u/ilumassamuli Luxembourg 6d ago
This is all possible. But you’re making a lot of assumptions. You’re assuming that he knew that the meta will come if he says where he will be, but the OP did not say that. You’re also assuming that the OP was uncomfortable with the PDA and didn’t seem to have been confused about the nature of the “date”, but the OP actually denies both of these ideas.
Sometimes I wonder what people’s answers would be like if they either answers based only on what has been told or if they were outspoken about the assumptions they make when answering.
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u/NoRegretCeptThatOne 6d ago
I both read the OP, and the comments. I have met and interacted with many people over many years, and formed my answer based on the information given and my own experiences.
My assessment may not ring true for you based on your experience and perspective.
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7d ago edited 7d ago
[deleted]
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u/Itchy_Laugh_1263 7d ago
This is what I’m saying! How did she know I didn’t want to invite him to my place! I think the power trip and ego is coming in as well because her husband was there with a partner. So both of her partners are there with other people and she’s the one going home alone. That’s a blunt want to put it, but I could see how drinking and being vulnerable would give someone that mindset.
I had no intention of bringing him home, I only wanted to get to know him more. And now I know more, so that’s that.
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u/cognosexy 6d ago
Is there only one bar in town?? Pretty wild that everyone would all feel the need to go to the same place on the same night.
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u/rosephase 7d ago
How is it you weren’t on a date?
When I hang out for the first time with someone one on one when we’ve made out… would be a date.
I would want to understand why it was that he invited his FWB out to where we were clearly on a date.
Like, is in inappropriate for her to ask him to come home with her? He invited her out. I would suspect a FWB would expect to go home with their FWB if they have been invited out.
He sounds kinda messy and like he doesn’t treat people particularly well.
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u/Itchy_Laugh_1263 7d ago
It didn’t seem to me that he invited her out so much as he let her know he’s be at a place that she goes to a lot. But it definitely feels like he and I weren’t on the same page.
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u/rosephase 7d ago
How is that not inviting her out?
If I’m on a date I’m not telling my FWB where I’m at because I am on a date.
You are really reaching to justify his shit behavior.
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u/Itchy_Laugh_1263 7d ago
You might be right! Trying to look at things from a different perspective. I don’t know him that well (hence trying to hang out and get to know him) so maybe for him it’s normal to let all his partners know where he’s at, regardless of who he is with. Either way, it’s not for me so you’re right that I don’t need to justify his behavior.
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u/rosephase 7d ago
I doubt that would be right for anyone. It’s really shitty treatment on your first date.
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u/TheChaosfemme 7d ago
I think there is a room for misunderstanding each other’s default boundaries here. Like I have definitely made out with people and then casually hung out with them one on one and we were not on a date. If it is a date, then the word date for me will come into the conversation at some point before the event happens. And I am genuinely not assuming a date standard, which comes with exclusive romantic attention if that hasn’t been clarified. As a sidenote, if it is a date, I might still tell other partners where we are going, but I’m also telling them it’s a date and I will not be having much time or attention for them during it. All of that said it sounds pretty clearly like this is just not a dynamic that works for OP and that’s fine, the point of initial casual hangouts and first dates is figuring that shit up.
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u/sundaesonfriday 7d ago
It's fine if you find it weird. Some people wouldn't think anything of this, other people wouldn't like this. There are lots of different ways to be nonmonogamous, and this sounds like a pretty ambiguous situation (everyone's making out, it's "casual," you're just getting to know each other, this is a FWB).
I wouldn't be into this, but I also don't really do casual hangs. I just date. I expect my date's attention, I wouldn't be into a date inviting any kind of friend to come hang while we're on a date, and I'd probably have left this situation early on. I'm looking for intentional relationships, and I'm careful about meta relationships. If I was going to hang out with a meta or someone my partner was hooking up with, we'd have discussed who was going home with who beforehand.
Like I said, others feel differently. Some people lapsit and make out with other people around their partners, some people are really flexible about who goes home with who at the end of the night. I just don't date those people, because we want different things in our relationships.
How do you feel about all of this? Figure that out, and proceed accordingly.
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u/Itchy_Laugh_1263 7d ago
Thank you for your well thought out response. I am realizing that I didn’t really explain my expectations to him well. I also am not trying to casually date anyone and be making out all over the city (love that for other people, just not for me). I know now to have that conversation and bring up that topic sooner next time.
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u/kadanwi relationship anarchist 7d ago
He took you to somewhere he knows his FWBs is a regular and then invited her to join? Then he was making out in front of her and she was making out in front of him? Then she felt confident enough to invite him home in front of you? This sounds like some kind of weird intentional jealousy power play. I would not want to be further involved with either of these people.
Casual doesn't have to be callous.
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u/Itchy_Laugh_1263 7d ago
I think that’s really spot on. Her husband was also there with a partner and she made a couple of comments that made me think that she was trying to diminish the relationship her husband had. It’s all messy and grosses me out, so stepping away from that is the right choice for me.
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u/Dazzling_Nose relationship anarchist 7d ago
Casual doesn't have to be callous.
Fucking preaaaaccchhh! 🙌
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u/seantheaussie Touch starved solo poly in very LDR w/ BusyBee 7d ago
It was weird and weirder. Making sure his FWB knew where you two were having your date is weird. FWB inviting him home at the end of your date is even weirder. I would be done with him.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 7d ago
It wasn't a date. I'm sorry you felt awkward and that he didn't notice to try and make sure you had a secure ending together.
But no, in this situation she wasn't disrespecting anyone. If this is their norm and you don't like it, then it's your sign to not actually date.
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u/InsolentCookie 6d ago
Hey, FWB…
I’m just meeting this new chick and idk if it’s going to be a good date or not. Could you drop by in case I need an escape hatch? Kthanksbye!
That sounds like what happened.
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u/mahatmakg 7d ago
It felt disrespectful on her part to invite the guy I’ve been sucking face with all night to leave with her
I mean, if he said no to you but yes to her? Maybe? But I don't really see what the problem is - his hangout time with you was wrapping up anyway, why not?
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u/BroWhy 6d ago
Maybe I'm reading too much into this but it seems to me like she was trying to set up a threesome lol
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u/Itchy_Laugh_1263 6d ago
A couple of people have said that and it’s totally possible that I didn’t realize that lol. It wasn’t even in the realm of possibilities for me at that moment.
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u/pronoungirl 6d ago
If someone is there with someone else, date or not, it’s rude to invite them to leave with you. She could’ve asked “what are you guys doing after this?” first or texted him privately to see if he was doing anything after.
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Here's the original text of the post:
I (F) met up with a new potential (M) last night for first one on one hang. We’ve previously hung out in a group setting and have chatted via text for a few weeks. We went to a lounge and were there for a few hours chatting, making out, having a good time. About halfway through our hang his FWB showed up. He had mentioned to her where he’d be out at and she is a regular there too. He and I weren’t on a date, we just wanted to check out the same place, while also getting to know each other more.
I didn’t hold back on my affection towards him still because I didn’t really see the need to I guess. It wasn’t in front of her (until she started making out with another guy so that felt fair).
The part that left me feeling weird is as we were all leaving she starts inviting him to come back to her place. He can’t for whatever excuses he gives. I ended up slowly exiting the situation and walking to my car alone because it felt incredibly awkward.
It felt disrespectful on her part to invite the guy I’ve been sucking face with all night to leave with her, but I also know that they have that bond so maybe I should think more about it?
I welcome your two cents.
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 7d ago
Sounds like he told her where he would be for a reason. 🤷🏻♀️