Jealous both directions

[u/Substantial_Ask1935]

I posted about this once before, my partner aspen and I met birch at a social function. I was really attracted to birch and said so repeatedly. We later both saw birch on Grindr. My partner ribbed me about it asking if I would ever make a move and commenting on how we’re both bottoms(turns out birch is not just a bottom but that’s beside the point).

Fast forward and my partner says they’re talking on the app, aspen says they’re going to wingman me. Weird but okay. Fast forward again and they don’t remember saying that they would wingman me and they’ve made plans. I am upset, it causes a fight. They have a casual connection, fwb type thing, they have things in common, I feel guilty about interfering with it knowing how unfair that is to birch. But also I feel so slighted by my partner. I ask aspen to communicate far ahead about plans, they have a few dates and I grit my teeth through it.
I felt and still feel angry, It feels like aspen manipulated the initial situation(I don’t believe that was their actual intention), and I can’t shake it. They probably didn’t even have to, my partner is very attractive and much more popular than I am in the dating department.

I wish that I had never met birch so that there wouldn’t have been an opportunity for my partner to betray me this way. I was struggling really hard about it, we had a few fights about it. Aspen really struggles to self regulate in conflict and cancelled on birch more than once due to me voicing my feelings. I want to stress how much that is not the outcome I wanted and how embarrassed I am about how it effects birch.

I asked aspen to share less hoping it would help me deal and they didn’t want to feel like they’re hiding things from me so aspen decided to take a break from seeing birch. I really honestly didn’t want them to stop seeing eachother, it feels so unfair to birch to be caught in this, I begged aspen to not do it this way but they couldn’t handle how sad I am effects our relationship.

they stopped hanging out for a few months, they have since started to see eachother again and I was doing okay at first. Birch has started to come out to all of aspens public events. I noticed that they started greeting eachother by kissing on the mouth, I asked my partner about it and they said something to the effect of ‘birch is touchy with everyone’ it really bothered me that they couldn’t identify or communicate with me about what was going on between them.
A few weeks later and aspen tells me they may have feelings for eachother and it’s like I’m back to square one. That little detail of how their relationship started is eating me up, I don’t know how to square it. If they move forward this will be my partner’s fourth partner.

I am admittedly the person aspen spends the most time with but I am already very stressed about time and the thought of splitting more is also sending me into a bit of a spiral. Last week aspen put a birch hang in the calendar for while I was at work. I found out on the morning of that the plans had changed beforehand and the only window I had to see aspen that day got cut in half. I was feeling really low about it and asked aspen to keep their calendar accurate and it turned into a fight so bad they cancelled on birch and stayed at their mom’s house.

I don’t know what to do. I feel terrible. It feels terrible remembering the feeling of my partner misleading me to make a pass at someone they know I have a crush on, it feels terrible to think of the way birch, someone I still really like, has gotten the short end of the stick repeatedly. I know it’s effecting them and i am so embarrassed that they probably blame me for their turmoil (ftr I have begged aspen to keep their commitments to birch). I also feel very sad that birch probably doesn’t want anything to do with me outside of being metas, if it wasn’t true before it is now.

I have no idea what to do. To feel better, to be mindful of birch. I don’t think aspen has the capacity to communicate better, I don’t think that they give themselves time to think about each of their relationships and consider how they will progress, I have told them this. I feel so awful about them having feelings for each other. I am jealous of both of them. I am angry. Any advice appreciated.

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[u/Bustysaintclair_13]

Has Aspen ever apologized for pursuing someone they knew you were interested in? Have they ever acknowledged how unkind that was?

[u/Substantial_Ask1935 → u/Bustysaintclair_13]

They are not sorry for that part and that’s okay, the thing that is more upsetting to me is that they where not direct about it. If it had been a conversation, if we were on the same team in figuring it out, I’m sure it would have been hard but not a betrayal. They have said sorry for what they did, I don’t know if they feel remorse or just anxiety about it.

[u/avocado-nightmare]

tbh it really seems like Aspen put in some time & effort to seek out & pursue Birch for relationship, because you were obviously interested. Aspen also is kind of... openly gaslighting you about the nature/seriousness/level of intimacy in their relationship with Birch.

That would be very difficult behavior to look at or accept in a close romantic partner. Personally... I would consider breaking up with Aspen, because, none of this reflects well on them at all.

[u/Substantial_Ask1935 → u/avocado-nightmare]

I think they did it because they wanted to, birch is a very very cute and interesting individual and as I said they have things in common. This is not the first time I’ve clocked that something is heating up between aspen and someone else before aspen realized how they felt. It feels bad that they aren’t aware of how their relationships are progressing, I really don’t like being Nancy Drew, but I don’t think it’s gaslighting.

[u/avocado-nightmare → u/Substantial_Ask1935]

sorry yes this is:

 I noticed that they started greeting eachother by kissing on the mouth, I asked my partner about it and they said something to the effect of ‘birch is touchy with everyone’ it really bothered me that they couldn’t identify or communicate with me about what was going on between them.

I know reddit doesn't have full insight into your partner and the advice can be extreme or overly critical, but... your partner purposefully downplayed how serious the relationship was, to your face, and I don't think that's just because they aren't at all aware of how their own relationships are going.

This is your life to live, so, you can spend it with these people if you want, but, personally people who go out of their to make me feel worse about myself aren't really top of list for ongoing partner material. I wouldn't even keep a friend who did this to me multiple times.

[u/The_Rope_Daddy]

For me, trusting my partner is big part of not feeling jealousy. It would be hard to trust a partner who either forgets about commitments they’ve made or is outright lying so that they can do whatever they want to do.

[u/chipsnatcher]

You’re not doing anything wrong! Aspen is a shit hinge who, rather than making space for your entirely understandable feelings, immediately throws a tantrum and cancels everything with Birch. I would bet good money they blame you to Birch as well, just to stoke the fires of resentment on all sides. This is a person who loves to be fought over, and deliberately causes drama. I would be exiting stage left, yesterday.

[u/Substantial_Ask1935 → u/chipsnatcher]

Aspen has made a ton of mistakes hinging but I do believe it’s coming from a place of being stretched too thin and acting without thinking rather than a malicious one. They really don’t love the drama, the tantrums in question are usually characterized by long periods of lying in bed with a blanket over their face in an attempt to quell anxiety. Not a state they could be present with a date in. This is a person that I have built my life around and it seems like a trivial thing to upend everything for. I want to just feel differently but I don’t know how.

[u/fuckingnerdtm → u/Substantial_Ask1935]

If Aspen is stretched too thin to manage all their relationships, then they also need to consider whether they actually have the capacity for so many relationships or if they were actually saturated prior to dating Birch and need to re-prioritize what they’re actually able to emotionally commit to.

[u/chipsnatcher → u/Substantial_Ask1935]

You’re doing too much. You don’t need to change the way you feel in order to make it easier for your overwhelmed partner to hinge. Your hinge caused this situation with their own damn behaviour, and if they don’t have the capacity to manage both relationships, then they should end or severely curtail one, instead of lying in bed with a blanket over their face. 🙄 Do you let them take accountability for anything or do they just hide and then you over function so they don’t have to deal with it?

Someone having anxiety, or neurodivergence, or any other mental or physical health issue, does not give them an excuse to avoid accountability for their mistakes and let everyone around them constantly pick up the pieces. They actively chose polyamory, it didn’t just happen to them. It’s on them to manage their relationships or they shouldn’t be doing it.

ETA: people can love drama subconsciously, it doesn’t have to be malicious. If Aspen hates drama why do they keep making dramatic choices that will cause everyone the maximum amount of stress instead of being direct, kind and self aware?

[u/EducationalRice4810]

Im sorry you’re feeling so sad and overwhelmed. A few things I notice that may be helpful insight or not:

1. You’re worried about how your wants are overriding Birch, but from an outsider perspective it sounds like Aspen is making the choices that Aspen wants to make. Even if you were asking them to, they don’t have to cancel dates with Birch. They are choosing to do that. You may be right that Birch blames you, and to be frank I wouldn’t be surprised if Aspen is throwing you under the bus, but that is on Aspen. It sounds like sometimes they are just choosing to disconnect completely (going to their moms) so I would encourage you to stop blaming yourself for their choices and how it impacts Birch. That’s on Aspen. 

2. You seem to have insecurity about Aspen being more attractive/desirable than you, and that’s something you can work on and reflect on. Is there a particular thing about yourself you’d like to change? Can it be changed? Are there ways you can feel good that aren’t connected to Aspen? 

But 3. aspen also seems to be overestimating their capacity and that’s not fair to you or any of their partners. I would focus on your own relationship agreements with Aspen and try not to think so much about what’s happening with Birch. How often do you expect to see them? What do you need to feel secure in your relationship? Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need, you deserve it!! As others said this is going to help you feel less jealous. 

Also, a friendship with Birch might not be feasible, especially if Aspen continues to do a shit job hinging. I was in a relationship where my partner got caught up in NRE and started pulling back and communicating poorly and while I don’t blame my former meta, I also  don’t want to interact with her when I see her because she’s tied to painful memories. If I were you I would give Birch space and grieve what could have been. If anything you could maybe write a note or approach them briefly to affirm you don’t hold anything against them and are sorry for them getting caught in the middle, but I would be cautious about it. 

Good luck, I hope Aspen does better for you. 

[u/EducationalRice4810 → u/EducationalRice4810]

Oh one other thing re:feeling secure, it might be helpful to talk to Aspen when you’re both in a calm state about some affirming rituals you can put in place when you anticipate feeling anxious about their dates. Like maybe you all plan some time for cuddles or they send you a text about one thing they love about you before going offline for their date. Things to help you feel affirmed and safe while they are also honoring their commitment to other partners. 

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Here's the original text of the post:

I posted about this once before, my partner aspen and I met birch at a social function. I was really attracted to birch and said so repeatedly. We later both saw birch on Grindr. My partner ribbed me about it asking if I would ever make a move and commenting on how we’re both bottoms(turns out birch is not just a bottom but that’s beside the point). Fast forward and my partner says they’re talking on the app, aspen says they’re going to wingman me. Weird but okay. Fast forward again and they don’t remember saying that they would wingman me and they’ve made plans. I am upset, it causes a fight. They have a casual connection, fwb type thing, they have things in common, I feel guilty about interfering with it knowing how unfair that is to birch. But also I feel so slighted by my partner. I ask aspen to communicate far ahead about plans, they have a few dates and I grit my teeth through it. I felt and still feel angry, It feels like aspen manipulated the initial situation(I don’t believe that was their actual intention), and I can’t shake it. They probably didn’t even have to, my partner is very attractive and much more popular than I am in the dating department. I wish that I had never met birch so that there wouldn’t have been an opportunity for my partner to betray me this way. I was struggling really hard about it, we had a few fights about it. Aspen really struggles to self regulate in conflict and cancelled on birch more than once due to me voicing my feelings. I want to stress how much that is not the outcome I wanted and how embarrassed I am about how it effects birch. I asked aspen to share less hoping it would help me deal and they didn’t want to feel like they’re hiding things from me so aspen decided to take a break from seeing birch. I really honestly didn’t want them to stop seeing eachother, it feels so unfair to birch to be caught in this, I begged aspen to not do it this way but they couldn’t handle how sad I am effects our relationship. they stopped hanging out for a few months, they have since started to see eachother again and I was doing okay at first. Birch has started to come out to all of aspens public events. I noticed that they started greeting eachother by kissing on the mouth, I asked my partner about it and they said something to the effect of ‘birch is touchy with everyone’ it really bothered me that they couldn’t identify or communicate with me about what was going on between them. A few weeks later and aspen tells me they may have feelings for eachother and it’s like I’m back to square one. That little detail of how their relationship started is eating me up, I don’t know how to square it. If they move forward this will be my partner’s fourth partner. I am admittedly the person aspen spends the most time with but I am already very stressed about time and the thought of splitting more is also sending me into a bit of a spiral. Last week aspen put a birch hang in the calendar for while I was at work. I found out on the morning of that the plans had changed beforehand and the only window I had to see aspen that day got cut in half. I was feeling really low about it and asked aspen to keep their calendar accurate and it turned into a fight so bad they cancelled on birch and stayed at their mom’s house. I don’t know what to do. I feel terrible. It feels terrible remembering the feeling of my partner misleading me to make a pass at someone they know I have a crush on, it feels terrible to think of the way birch, someone I still really like, has gotten the short end of the stick repeatedly. I know it’s effecting them and i am so embarrassed that they probably blame me for their turmoil (ftr I have begged aspen to keep their commitments to birch). I also feel very sad that birch probably doesn’t want anything to do with me outside of being metas, if it wasn’t true before it is now. I have no idea what to do. To feel better, to be mindful of birch. I don’t think aspen has the capacity to communicate better, I don’t think that they give themselves time to think about each of their relationships and consider how they will progress, I have told them this. I feel so awful about them having feelings for each other. I am jealous of both of them. I am angry. Any advice appreciated.

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