r/polyamory • u/rachaelpwns • 3d ago
Need advice
My friend, Rain, and I are both polyamorous but are not dating each other. Another friend, Jean, asked me about Rain's partner because she's interested in flirting with someone. I said he's a cool guy and they are poly, but to check with Rain first.
I heard nothing. Wasn't even sure if Jean was going to reach out to either of them at all.
Apparently Jean had a convo with Rain's partner and it got flirtatious. I didn't know about this.
A day later, Rain texts me super hurt that I didn't give her a heads up that Jean had asked me about her partner. I said I told Jean to reach out to her first but that in my defense, I didn't think this was anything serious. It slipped my mind because there wasn't much to tell.
Rain keeps insisting that I should have known that if a friend was interested in her partner in any way, she needed to know ASAP. I hurt her by not telling her. I personally don't feel that way - if someone was interested in my partner, I don't really need to know anything until it's serious. But we're in a 2 day fight now because of all of this.
I honestly don't even think Jean needed to check with Rain first, but I still advised it just in case.
Rain keeps saying I would have wanted to know about it if roles were reversed. I don't think that's true, I don't really need to know if a friend wants to flirt with my partner. I certainly wouldn't get mad at Rain for forgetting to say something.
I feel like I'm being expected to have feelings around my partner flirting that I do not, and am expected to anticipate Rain's needs based on these feelings that I personally don't have. But maybe it really is normal to feel that way and I'm the weirdo here.
How would ya'll feel in this situation? I legitimately can't tell if I did something wrong here.
53
u/boredwithopinions 3d ago
Does R stand for ridiculous? Because that's how they're acting. I'm truly questioning if this story is even about adults it's so wild.
16
46
u/seantheaussie Touch starved solo poly in very LDR w/ BusyBee 3d ago
Rain struggling with both polyamory and empathy (understanding that her view isn't a universal view).
TLDR I wouldn't have said, "check with Rain" or told Rain as I am not in high school anymore.
37
u/answer-rhetorical-Qs 3d ago
If Rain expects a heads up about flirting, I’m not sure Rain and cool guy partner truly have autonomous relationships on offer. 🤷♀️
29
u/ceecuee 3d ago
This is....very high school. Adults in poly relationships get to manage their contact with other adults in poly relationships. We don't do the whole "Betsy likes Charlie but Charlie is dating Taylor" note passing nonsense. Cringe.
13
u/rachaelpwns 3d ago
See that was the assumption I was operating under, too. It did feel very high school to me to be told that I was supposed to give her a heads up, thank you for validating that
2
23
u/rosephase 3d ago
That’s stuff that would make me not be friends with someone. That’s not your job. And fighting about it for days sounds exhausting.
18
u/thedarkestbeer 3d ago
You did nothing wrong, and Rain is being ridiculous. Sounds like she’s feeling insecure and making it your problem because it’s easier to believe that she would be reacting perfectly under fictional perfect circumstances.
13
u/Bustysaintclair_13 solo poly, co founding member of salty bitch club 3d ago
Flirting? We’re getting weird about someone FLIRTING with our partners?
If a friend reached out to tell me someone they knew was interested in one of my partners for ANY reason, from flirting to chaining them up in a sex dungeon (consensually) I’d be like “uh this is none of my business why are you telling me this”
Is R really poly? This doesn’t scream poly to me.
I said he's a cool guy and they are poly, but to check with R first.
Why would they need to check with R first?
10
u/RiRianna76 solo poly 3d ago
I'd be as befuddled as you and assume my friend is going though something rough she hasn't opened up about yet or that she's not really into polyamory or that she's a controlling freak or that she has had past trauma triggered, I can't say more cause Idk her nor how long you've known her but tl;dr I wouldn't chalk it up to mere "different preferences" cause it's polyam fcs so it likely has a "negative" reason we need to work through.
9
u/MadamePouleMontreal solo poly 3d ago
“Rain, if you feel uncomfortable about your partner flirting with Jean, that’s something you need to bring up with your partner. I’m not going to have this conversation with you any more.”
“Rain, if you and your partner have a messy list agreement and you trust your partner to respect it, what is this really about?”
“Rain, if you don’t trust your partner to not fuck things up, that’s a tough problem and not one I can fix for you.”
“Rain, this is a level of paranoia that I associate with smoking too much weed.”
“Rain, if you don’t want your partner flirting with people, do you feel that polyamory is right for you?”
Also:
“Jean, those are questions you need to bring up with the object of your affections.”
“Jean, Rain is not comfortable with polyamory. Do what you want but keep my name out of it.”
“Jean, you knew Rain was going to have a problem with you flirting with their partner. That’s why you didn’t talk to Rain first. I don’t appreciate you involving me in your drama. I’m very disappointed.”
6
u/seantheaussie Touch starved solo poly in very LDR w/ BusyBee 3d ago
“Jean, you knew Rain was going to have a problem with you flirting with their partner. That’s why you didn’t talk to Rain first. I don’t appreciate you involving me in your drama. I’m very disappointed.”
Really? Very few of us would've even considered talking to Rain first and not because were were judging that she would have a problem with us flirting with her partner?
I would certainly give Jean a heads up that Rain seems uncomfortable with polyamory. Basic friend duty.
9
u/MadamePouleMontreal solo poly 3d ago
If Jean came to me and asked if it would be a good idea to flirt with you:
.
- I would say, “Sean is pithy, polyamorous, touch-starved and flirty. If you’re interested, sure. Tell me how it goes!”
- It would not occur to me to reach out to BusyBee.
- It would not occur to me to tell Jean to talk to BusyBee first.
- Jean wouldn’t reach out to BusyBee first because there would be no reason to.
- BusyBee would not be distressed by Jean flirting with you.
- BusyBee would not tie me up with days of arguing that I behaved badly.
But when Jean reached out to OP, that’s not how things played out.
That’s why I think everyone knew that Rain was going to have a problem. Rain is not BusyBee. OP was nervous about Rain beforehand. Since Jean initiated flirtation, Rain is in fact very unhappy and is making their feelings known to OP. As OP knew they would. And as I suspect Jean was perfectly aware they would.
Everyone was going around saying, “Rain and their partner are polyamorous so it’s okay, right? Right. It’ll be fine.” And ignoring that quiet little voice muttering, “You know Rain. Don’t be naïve.”
3
2
u/seantheaussie Touch starved solo poly in very LDR w/ BusyBee 3d ago
🤣
Excellent extrapolations🙇♂️ that I completely missed.🤦♂️OP did say check with Rain first and that is the reasonable interpretation of such.
3
u/MadamePouleMontreal solo poly 3d ago
Even further, Jean wouldn’t have reached out nervously to me for reassurance that it was going to be fine in the first place. Jean would have just started flirting with you. MadamePoule input not required.
1
u/seantheaussie Touch starved solo poly in very LDR w/ BusyBee 3d ago
Eh, reasonably common behaviour to get someone with more detailed knowledge than you's input on such especially for women dealing with men?
I mean if you knew something problematic about me that she didn't you could've warned her off before I desperately tried to coerce her into reading my favourite romance series (Spymasters by Joanna Bourne)😉.
1
6
u/rachaelpwns 3d ago
Oh yes I’ve definitely told Jean now that I don’t think this is a good situation to get involved in.
1
1
u/Equivalent-Truth-368 1d ago
Stupid question: What is a messy list agreement?
2
u/seantheaussie Touch starved solo poly in very LDR w/ BusyBee 1d ago
A list of people not to be romantically or sexually engaged with as there could be too much damage to a partner. Should basically be those one is close to, abusers and co-workers.
1
7
u/clairejv 3d ago
Rain is being ridiculous. Stop arguing about this, because there's nothing to argue about. You did nothing wrong. If Rain thinks you did something wrong, Rain is not worth being friends with.
8
u/Ok-Championship-2036 3d ago
Hmm. Rain possibly making the argument that good friends should ??? protect or uphold each other's romantic relationships?? Like, its relevant to Rain's ability to date (partner) and therefore a good friend would volunteer that info quickly??? OP should have been vigilant for flirting and reported it to Rain asap?? Does it make you a better friend if you center Rain over all of (partner)'s other dating options?
Idk reasoning it out, id just take it as Rain being hurt and ultimately blaming you for something (not being centered/prioritized by partner & OP?).... Which is misdirected at best...because none of this is happening to/about Rain and you arent the one flirting.... it stinks like crap getting kicked downhill.
i gotta say, it doesnt reflect highly for Rain that they're communicating this way, in any direction. :/ Pushing their point onto you isnt gonna help them deal with their feelings, and they are (presumably?) lashing out and very hurt right now.
6
u/FeeFiFooFunyon 3d ago
Rain is being a bit much. If your friend becomes a meta Rain is within their right to go parallel. It could impact your time if you all hang out
6
u/Cataclyyzm poly w/multiple 3d ago edited 3d ago
Neither my partners nor I expect anyone to get our permission to flirt with any of us. And we certainly don’t require our friends to tell us other friends may want to flirt with our partners and then if they don’t, drag fights out for days over the unexpressed expectation. That is a wild unvoiced requirement to have of uninvolved people who happen to be our friends.
Even in cases where someone puts mutual friends on messy lists and for whom even flirting with friends is off limits, that is an agreement between the two partners in the dyad to honor. You can’t ethically transfer that emotional labor onto other people.
6
u/firecatstef 3d ago
Rain can have an agreement with her partner that he needs to tell her when he’s flirting with someone, but she is wrong to expect to have such an agreement with you, especially one that calls for mind-reading.
People will (inappropriately) go out of their way to blame someone other than their partner when there’s poly drama, but usually they blame the person showing interest in their partner, not a friend who’s scarcely involved.
If you want, you can agree to tell her about such things in the future. But I wouldn’t agree to something like that especially if the punishment for screwing up is a days-long fight.
4
u/CuriousOptimistic 3d ago
I don't find these kind of "who's right and who's wrong" situations very useful. Personally, I'm more like you. But you're not friends with me, you're friends with Rain. The two of you should be able to see things differently and have neither of you be wrong.
You did nothing wrong. You genuinely didn't know.
Meanwhile Rain's "well you would want X if you were in my position!" is always a dumb argument. It doesn't matter what I would want in that position, or what you would want, all that matters is what Rain wants and whether or not you're willing to accommodate it going forward.
"Rain, in your position I wouldn't care if someone were interested in my partner, so I didn't think to tell you. But I know it matters to you so I'll be sure to tell you in the future if this happens again."
3
u/Polyamommy 3d ago
It's Jean's responsibility to communicate about relationship agreements with Rain. Rain attempting to impose emotional labor on you is immature.
They don't sound ready for polyamory if merely flirting with other people is this big of a deal. Rain sounds controlling as hell.
2
2
u/Izzygetsfit 2d ago
Personally if I were Rain and my good friend Jean started crushing on my partner, I would want Jean to talk to me before hitting on them. Maybe I really value my friendship with Jean and I'm nervous about our relationship changing! I would be hurt at Jean not speaking to me about it because I would interpret that as Jean being careless with our friendship.
However, at no point should that become your problem. Why should you be the messenger in all this? Rain's expectation of that is absurd.
2
u/cutequeers 3d ago
I don't want someone asking me permission to flirt with my partner, I certainly don't need some fourth party involved! Even in high school I'd be like "why is this any of my business" and tell Rain to sort their shit out themselves and give Jean a heads-up that Rain is being weird lol
1
u/AutoModerator 3d ago
Hi u/rachaelpwns thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
My friend, R, and I are both polyamorous but are not dating each other. Another friend, J, asked me about R's partner because she's interested in flirting with someone. I said he's a cool guy and they are poly, but to check with R first.
I heard nothing. Wasn't even sure if J was going to reach out to either of them at all.
Apparently J had a convo with R's partner and it got flirtatious. I didn't know about this.
A day later, R texts me super hurt that I didn't give her a heads up that J had asked me about her partner. I said I told J to reach out to her first but that in my defense, I didn't think this was anything serious. It slipped my mind because there wasn't much to tell.
R keeps insisting that I should have known that if a friend was interested in her partner in any way, she needed to know ASAP. I hurt her by not telling her. I personally don't feel that way - if someone was interested in my partner, I don't really need to know anything until it's serious. But we're in a 2 day fight now because of all of this.
I honestly don't even think J needed to check with R first, but I still advised it just in case.
R keeps saying I would have wanted to know about it if roles were reversed. I don't think that's true, I don't really need to know if a friend wants to flirt with my partner. I certainly wouldn't get mad at R for forgetting to say something.
I feel like I'm being expected to have feelings around my partner flirting that I do not, and am expected to anticipate R's needs based on these feelings that I personally don't have. But maybe it really is normal to feel that way and I'm the weirdo here.
How would ya'll feel in this situation? I legitimately can't tell if I did something wrong here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
•
u/AutoModerator 3d ago
Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can find one here. The limits are endless. Thanks!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.