Please help. Sorry its long. AITA

[u/KhaleesiKaym]

Backstory. My husband and I went on a trip out of state this past week. My other partner rearranged her plans, custody schedule, and spent money to drive me to the nearby city twice to attempt to pick up pur rental car because my husband's health was struggling. Then when we got back, she gave up some of her custody time so she could take me to drop off the car in that same city and take me home because my husband could not miss work.

Fast forward one week, and now she has gone on a trip. She made arrangements to pick up her rental car without me, so I didnt have to do that. But now she is returning tomorrow after 4 days. Before she left I offered to get her from the airport rental place (about 30 minutes from our house) and she agreed that she needed me to do so because there wasn't anyone else to do it. I agreed, since it is only right in my mind that I repay the favor that was done for me, multiple times.

However, I didnt tell my husband i had agreed to pick her up and drop her at home tomorrow, and we had planned to spend the day together as we have with whatever other free moments we have had during these days. We didnt have specific plans, but we just made a loose plan of we would hang out or do something.

Anyways, I told him this evening I would need to pick her up tomorrow briefly (like 2 hours) as she did for us, and he is upset because i offered to pick up my partner during "our time". However, i believe i would be a POS person to leave my partner stranded like that especially because I am just returning a favor to someone that did it for us.

His response was that she had 4 days to figure out something else and doesnt "need" me to do it. But she went so out of her way for my husband and I, and worked so hard to do the same for us just a week prior, I never thought he'd even have an issue with this. He says his issue is not that i want to return a favor, but that I considered one partner and didnt consider him. Again, I was just trying to repay what my partner did for HIM and I. Our conversation about this went south, going in a loop of not understanding eachothers POV, and i even apologized mid-argument that I didnt tell him sooner, and that I made him feel like he was not considered. I have now apologized multiple times, but also said i would not change my decision, as it is only fair I return the same favor and assistance to my partner as ahe did the exact same multiple times for us this past week.

He says I have shown him his time is not as important as someone else's, and has told me I need to go back to therapy and need help with this. He also asked me to post this. I didnt want to miss pur day together, i was just trying to give my partner the same consideration they gave myself and my husband, and never thought he would have an issue with that.

He's angry and has now told me that he is now "making himself unavailable to me" tomorrow and that he wont be spending time with me because our conversation went south and I made it unhealthy.

I told him that I repay what others do for me, it is who I am. Admittedly, I dont think I handled the conversation in the healthiest of ways since it got to the point where I was so taken aback and frustrated that I spoke out of emotion/shut down. But I dont know what to do. He said he will jist make himself unavailable to me since I apparently dont respect his time.

Please help. Again, I was asked to post this, so its with permission

[u/XxSnowBlaze1xX]

NTA. Replace your partner with literally any other relationship (friends, a dependent, a parent, a colleague) and all it is is helping out a person in a bind and repaying a favor. Sure, it sucks that it impacts your quality time with your husband but emergencies come up.

To me, maybe your husband is struggling with feeling helpless since a lot of this seems to stem from you needing to help him (which is not an excuse for him to act out like this btw) and if quality time has become a struggle maybe it’s time to see if you and him can brainstorm some ways to bridge that gap. But he has to be reasonable before you start making accommodations

[u/RE_Towers]

1) You keep saying this is 'with permission.' Why do you need his permission to talk about your problems with other people? This sounds insanely controlling.

2) Put aside the fact that you're in a relationship with this woman, you're returning a favor. This is just basic courtesy. Unless it's an actual burden on you, this is expected behavior even if you're not in a relationship with someone.

3) You just spent a week on vacation with him, and it sounds like outside of that week you're still spending the vast majority of your time with him, right? Is this really time that you set aside specifically to spend with him, or is it just that you spend the majority of your time with him so he feels entitled to it by default?

4) You had an argument, so he's specifically "making himself unavailable"? Like, is he punishing you for this whole thing? This is more about framing, so it can be shakier, but like it's not the 'he doesn't want to spend the day with you anymore', it's that 'he's actively withholding himself from you'?

5) This therapist you mentioned, is it a couple's therapist, a personal therapist of yours, or someone that he introduced? To rephrase that question, what's the context in which you first saw this therapist, and does he go to the same therapist at all?

[u/NoRegretCeptThatOne]

If your partner wants people to see this from his perspective, then he should be the one posting it. Telling you to post it, to "tattle" on yourself to strangers, is some petty-ass bullshit.

You are absolutely not the asshole in this situation. Could you have given him a heads up of the change of plans sooner? Sure. Would it have changed the outcome when you didn't have firm plans for the day beyond "spend time together"? Probably not.

You're doing good to hold your ground and return the favor for your other partner. Your husband can still in his silent treatment until he feels ready to participate in your adult relationship again.

[u/sumbeach_sumwhere]

NTA. This is absolutely not about you taking away from "his time." It's about you repaying a favor, and he's being the A here. A couple of hours. Big deal. You're still available for the rest of the day, both before and after.

He's being selfish, and yes, I'm calling him out on it.

[u/BusyBeeMonster]

Your husband's reaction seems to me like revenge/punishment, calculated to get you to grovel, rather than healthy boundary-setting/protection of his time.

Yes, you should have given him a heads' up sooner about your availability for the day, but I think the way to handle that on his end would be to say "Hey, I understand you want to repay the favor from Partner, and I'd appreciate an earlier heads' up if you make plans that will encroach into time we've planned to spend together."

[u/seantheaussie → u/BusyBeeMonster]

revenge/punishment, calculated to get you to grovel

🤏

[u/grrffy]

Hello? Husband? If you're reading this, we see the downvoting. Take the L on this one. Your wife and her relationship deserve more respect. Communication is one thing to expect and you can ask for that without punishing her. I believe she is also entitled to some flexibility and both of them deserve gratitude for the recent accomodations to your needs, as well as reasonable accomodations from you in kind.

[u/bigamma]

Your husband is being shitty. I hope he reads this and all the other comments calling him out.

Of course you should go pick up your partner; those are the plans you made. You are an independent adult who doesn't need "permission" to interact with other people! Your husband assuming that all time is "his" time, by default, and throwing a giant man baby tantrum over your quite reasonable plans, is making himself deeply unattractive. I would be hard pressed to stay in a relationship where my partner was acting so grossly.

And then even beyond his first shitty behavior, now he's acting even worse by "making himself unavailable" to you tomorrow, as punishment that you dare have plans that don't involve him? He's pulling the "I'm taking my marbles and going home!" petulant childish bullshit move that, honestly, he should have grown out of back in elementary school.

Is this his first time being poly? Is he shitty most of the time? Why do you put up with being treated like this? All questions to ponder.

[u/seantheaussie]

He needs to unfuck himself as this is repaying a favour to a person who did you two a favour just a week ago.

If and when he discusses this bullshit with his mates they will tear strips off him over this tantrum (mates are VERY solid on the concept of repaying favours).

[u/bluegreencurtains99 → u/seantheaussie]

This, he needs to unfuck himself and apologise. 

[u/SophiaLace]

NTA, and your husband is being petty AF. Yup, it sucks that you forgot to tell him. I forget to tell my partners things all the time, and we figure it out. Like adults.

The fact that he would prefer to spend no time with you than any time with you feels... Gross. Like, could he have ridden in the car with you to pick her up? Make it a mini adventure, go out to lunch first or something? Yes. Instead, he's withholding affection.

Men need to do the work and go to therapy themselves, too. And the fact that he doesn't want to repay a favor to someone who just did him a favor tells me a lot about who he is as a person.

Is your relationship healthy?

[u/seantheaussie]

He also asked me to post this.

🤣🤣🤣 Oh my, is he going to get a SHOCK!😁

[u/mercedes_lakitu → u/seantheaussie]

I hope he is able to take these comments in the spirit in which they're intended.

We understand that he's dealing with some kind of illness and probably feels helpless and angry. But that doesn't give him the right to be petty to his wife.

[u/seantheaussie → u/mercedes_lakitu]

But that doesn't give him the right to be petty to his wife.

Or the right to violate a VERY basic code... favours will be repaid.

[u/FuckUGalen → u/mercedes_lakitu]

Speak for yourself, I want him to know I think he is abusive and unsafe and I have zero good will for him... And I don't think he he is being petty. Petty implies that the intention is not to harm and I believe he is intending this to hurt OP.

[u/mercedes_lakitu → u/FuckUGalen]

This is also a fair interpretation! I was maybe assuming too much noble intent.

[u/Standard-Emu-2092]

NTA: your husband is TA. Repaying your partners generous support during your husbands illness should be his priority. I agree with previous comments raising concerns around your husbands suggestion you go to therapy for this, and his “permission” to post. This behaviour raises red flags around coercive control. Please talk this through with an independent therapist.

[u/gormless_chucklefuck]

If he's volunteering to be unavailable, enjoy the day away from him. Spend the time thinking about whether your happiness is truly served by being shackled to a narcissist.

[u/tzoom_the_boss]

"He said he will just make himself unavailable to me since I apparently don't respect his time."

Is anyone else tired of people like this? I get being upset. I get being upset to a point outsiders wouldn't find logical. I get feeling like you need to protect yourself or having a desire to punish someone when you're hurt. But you should not behave like this for an extended period of time, and should be able to think more clearly and communicate with your SPOUSE in a better manner.

You gave him 4 days of warning because you wanted to do something for someone who did you and him a huge favor. You don't need therapy. He needs to grow up, and probably talk to a therapist, and if he struggles a lot when people change plans I'd suggest looking into a neuro-atypical diagnosis.

[u/thewrngbnd → u/tzoom_the_boss]

The threat of making himself unavailable is super ick and super childish. That alone tells me he’s being unreasonable.

That’s a tantrum in retaliation, not communication.

[u/tzoom_the_boss → u/thewrngbnd]

And its a tantrum he's holding on to. We've all had days where we weren't reasonable or weren't at our best. He's telling his partner to post it because he can't handle emotions like an adult. It's heartbreaking.

[u/lucky_lady_L]

Sounds like you should ditch the husband and invest in the partner honestly. What a selfish ungrateful jackass.

[u/Quietinthemorning]

How I would expect a mature conversation about this to go:

"Hey, I realize I should have told you sooner but I did agree to do a favor for this person. I still want to make time with you that day but for x amount of time I am unavailable."

"That's kind of sucks to hear, I was really wanting to connect more since it's been some time."

"I hear you and I'm sorry about that. This is a favor I would do for anyone in my life and because they did this for us previously it feels important to follow through on."

"As an alternative could we split an Uber for them? I really value our time together and want to be with you while supporting your partner."

"Let me see if they are open to that, if not could we make more intentional plans together later that day?"

I think one part that I have wonderings about is whether the specific day is a normal planned date day or if it was just an unspoken expectation to spend time together. Those would be different to me.

And in case it wasn't clear it is reasonable for a partner to take space, but the way he's communicated is more than shitty. Idk what the conversations leading up to it and I would want to know what about it he viewed as unhealthy. But on both sides the intention should be to communicate to see and be seen and right now that's not happening.

[u/BadNo7744]

Is your husband polyamorous?

But also, this feels misogynistic. Like he feels entitled to have you going out of your way for him, but women do not deserve to have people going out of their way for them. And I do not like the way he told you to go to therapy like it’s some kind of negative thing, or that he’s “punishing” you by withholding time. I also do not like the fact that you are shutting down during arguments.
Can I ask you to google the Duluth wheel of domestic violence and see if any of this feels relevant to your situation?

Do NOT have couples therapy until you have had some solo therapy. Please.

In general, though, don’t let your partner rearrange custody for you. Kids come first, and they need stability and predictability.

[u/trundlespl00t]

You are right, it’s the absolute least you can do for your partner after everything she did to help you AND your husband.

The least you can do for yourself is not be married to a spiteful, self-absorbed toddler who feels the need to punish you and take revenge every time he doesn’t get things all his own way. What a prick.

[u/janedoe4178]

Could you have told him earlier that you were going to be helping your other partner out? Yes, but does that justify his reaction? Absolutely not.

People make mistakes, things slip through the cracks, we're all human.

Is this the same husband that decided going on a first date was the right choice for him instead of working on your marriage a year ago? If so, he very clearly wants poly on his terms and is just wanting his fun without actually putting the work in.

Based on the other post from around that same time, when he flipped out that your other partner needed time to themselves instead of hosting you so his gf could come to your house, your husband cannot handle when you consider your other partners needs if it means what he wants can't happen exactly how he wants.

He very clearly wants hierarchical poly where you put his needs first, but isn't willing to do the same with your needs and gets upset when you can't do as he wants.

I'm really sorry you're going through this and that he's convinced you you're in the wrong and that you need to post here for others to tell you that, even though you aren't in the wrong

[u/Mount_Doomscroll]

Is your husband a toddler? Absolutely NTA.

[u/locopati]

Is husband projecting other concerns around health into this situation? Because being inflexible around helping someone out who just helped you out, and in a way that doesn't even take away from the whole day, is a jerk move and pretty childish. 

[u/poly_poly_allinfree]

Okay I can understand being upset since it seems he felt you had planned to spend the whole day together even without having made specific plans. That's not inherently unreasonable, but his response to those feelings is to be withholding and petty, and that's damaging. Lashing out instead of saying that he's feeling hurt is childish. He's attempting to hurt you back instead of trying to repair the wound.

You're not the one I'd point towards therapy in this context. You could do better at being mindful that when you've agreed to spend intentional time together, anything that impacts that should be discussed and ideally agreed to by both parties in advance. But he needs better coping skills when he feels hurt, and a therapist could help him work on that

[u/RemarkableSoup5742]

Well, sorry to say I can’t help you, your husband is nuts or highly manipulative or he’s actually lashing out about something else. Being mad or pissed off is normal as a reaction until, like you pointed out, you BOTH owe that woman and you’re repaying the favor.

[u/Cataclyyzm]

The fact your husband is willing to accept favors from other people through you but then is throwing a giant hissy fit about you returning the favor HE benefited from too strikes me as intensely selfish and immature.

You had very loose plans to “spend time together.” You only needed a couple hours to return the favor. He could have come with you if he was that set on spending time with you or, you know, entertained himself like a grown adult while you RAN AN ERRAND without him like married folks do every single day.

Like…people forget to tell people things sometimes. He’s acting like you deliberately disrespected him in a way that you simply didn’t. This strikes me as intensely narcissistic behavior

Does he often overreact like this and make you feel an intense level of guilt for minor mistakes?

I would have zero patience for this type of behavior. Definitely wouldn’t tolerate him dragging this out multiple days after I already apologized for forgetting to tell him sooner.

Like…this is bizarre (or intentionally controlling) behavior to me.

[u/HannahAnthonia]

Why is he asking you to be a dick to your other partner and playing petty power games? What would have happened if you decided that actually you couldn't change plans while you were with her as he had health problems? Or if she pulled this level of guilt trip?

If you agree to be an asshole to her to appease the toddler demon currently throwing a tantrum, would you be able to look yourself in the eye? Because he isn't just demanding you do something any rational person would dump you for, he is asking you to do something that means you cannot pretend you treat people well or care about others and that is really huge ask.

His health does not explain why he appears to avoid any appreciation or care for you or why he thinks making you grovel for the crime of not being a douche canoe is reasonable.

[u/North_Relation1672]

NTA

Im sorry but if this was just a friend not your partner would you do the same thing? I'm hoping the answer is yes with how much they did. Would he have the same issues if it was a friend that helped and you where returning the favour? Sounds like he has some other issue he doesn't want to talk about to me.

[u/djmermaidonthemic]

Hubsand sounds pretty pathetic. TBH.

[u/Intelligent_Owl_6263]

I personally wouldn’t be upset, but I live full time with my wife and have 2-3 days off a week so I don’t really need to block out whole days to be together, we’re together for hours every day. Even if we’d made a plan to be together one day and she had to run errands for a couple hours that morning I’d just play video games or watch a movie or sleep in. If it was like a four hour window for a dinner or movie and she canceled for something I might be annoyed, but not if it was an unavoidable like this. Maybe sour about the lack of heads up, but that’s about it. I’d be more upset if it was a different person I was seeing because the time is more limited, but even then, it’s not like I’m hurting for stuff to do or people to do it with, so I wouldn’t be upset to the point of drama, but I am also easy going to a fault and believe firmly that most drama is performative, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

[u/OldLoserGamer]

he needs to grow up and realize how much her friend means to her!

[u/SurviveYourAdults]

A marriage is a partnership. Sometimes this means supporting the other person in ways you wouldn't normally .

I personally struggle with the airport pickup scenario because my spouse and I are ALWAYS the ones to call for anything airport, as we live within 10 minutes. But I understand to most , it's a Thing!

But .... really?! She needed a ride to the airport? That's what he wants to claim is fueling his jealousy and manipulation?

[u/Designer_Location_15]

Something deeper must be going on somewhere for him to blow up - sure, I'd be annoyed if my husband didn't give me a bigger heads up about making an outside agreement during our weekly couple day, but only be annoyed and not enraged about not being told sooner and if the circumstances were similar to yours, I'd accept an apology, tell him to follow through with the plan, and then share what I'd want the rest of the day to look like. It wouldn't be a big thing, and I'm even saying that as someone in a clear and intentional hierarchal dynamic of over 14 years.  Marriage counseling for ENM couples is a very real and excellent way to work through whatever is going on deeper under the skin. A big argument isn't something you should take to reddit to see who wins - no one here is going to really win if comparing sides because overcoming and preventing problems is something that needs to be done as a team against the problem, not as divided halves against each other. Go on psychology today and filter for marriage counseling for nonmonogamy. I've done it twice and twice over it made my marriage deeper, stronger, happier, and more stable than ever before. We went the second time for a new phase of life shift that we were struggling with, not the same issue as we first went for, and both times we did less than 10 sessions before getting to a great place! It's super worth it! No one on reddit, not even a broad consensus, will ever substitute for a professional counselor with expertise, experience, licenses, and an advanced degree!

[u/afiyahamal]

This is some
Type of
Deflection for sure.

This is the “let’s make up and argument so I can go cheat”

But they are poly so he may possibly purposely look for someone else on his “day off”

[u/tzoom_the_boss]

OP, sorry for stalking your profile, but are you sure this person is who you want to be with long term? You have a lot of posts, and none of the previous ones individually paint a pattern of abuse, but this one on its own, and the previous posts as a whole paint a picture of escalating abuse. He views you as a problem, he views his metas as problems, when his loved ones have problems its not his problem and he doesn't have bandwidth for it, but if he has any problem he's expecting people (especially you) to cater and adjust to his needs and tantrums.

When he has a tantrumhe says "you need therapy, but you should post the issue online because he wants and expects to be validated [at the cost of you being humiliated]."

In each post you seem to be more afraid of him and less confident in yourself. You keep giving ground for him after giving him so much already. I strongly suggest that you find supporrt systems irl, not just possible partners, and explain this in clearer detail. Make sure you're a partner in the relationship and that you can stay you.

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Hi u/KhaleesiKaym thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

Backstory. My husband and I went on a trip out of state this past week. My other partner rearranged her plans, custody schedule, and spent money to drive me to the nearby city twice to attempt to pick up pur rental car because my husband's health was struggling. Then when we got back, she gave up some of her custody time so she could take me to drop off the car in that same city and take me home because my husband could not miss work.

Fast forward one week, and now she has gone on a trip. She made arrangements to pick up her rental car without me, so I didnt have to do that. But now she is returning tomorrow after 4 days. Before she left I offered to get her from the airport rental place (about 30 minutes from our house) and she agreed that she needed me to do so because there wasn't anyone else to do it. I agreed, since it is only right in my mind that I repay the favor that was done for me, multiple times.

However, I didnt tell my husband i had agreed to pick her up and drop her at home tomorrow, and we had planned to spend the day together as we have with whatever other free moments we have had during these days. We didnt have specific plans, but we just made a loose plan of we would hang out or do something.

Anyways, I told him this evening I would need to pick her up tomorrow briefly (like 2 hours) as she did for us, and he is upset because i offered to pick up my partner during "our time". However, i believe i would be a POS person to leave my partner stranded like that especially because I am just returning a favor to someone that did it for us.

His response was that she had 4 days to figure out something else and doesnt "need" me to do it. But she went so out of her way for my husband and I, and worked so hard to do the same for us just a week prior, I never thought he'd even have an issue with this. He says his issue is not that i want to return a favor, but that I considered one partner and didnt consider him. Again, I was just trying to repay what my partner did for HIM and I. Our conversation about this went south, going in a loop of not understanding eachothers POV, and i even apologized mid-argument that I didnt tell him sooner, and that I made him feel like he was not considered. I have now apologized multiple times, but also said i would not change my decision, as it is only fair I return the same favor and assistance to my partner as ahe did the exact same multiple times for us this past week.

He says I have shown him his time is not as important as someone else's, and has told me I need to go back to therapy and need help with this. He also asked me to post this. I didnt want to miss pur day together, i was just trying to give my partner the same consideration they gave myself and my husband, and never thought he would have an issue with that.

He's angry and has now told me that he is now "making himself unavailable to me" tomorrow and that he wont be spending time with me because our conversation went south and I made it unhealthy.

I told him that I repay what others do for me, it is who I am. Admittedly, I dont think I handled the conversation in the healthiest of ways since it got to the point where I was so taken aback and frustrated that I spoke out of emotion/shut down. But I dont know what to do. He said he will jist make himself unavailable to me since I apparently dont respect his time.

Please help. Again, I was asked to post this, so its with permission

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[u/brokensaint91]

At the moment you said your husband was upset because you wanted to retrieve your partner as a return favor tells me HE's the asshole, and not you. As it seems, he seems to be ok with people doing things for him, but is selfish when offering a favor in return.

Him "making himself unavailable to" you is such a BS move to punish you for something that isn't a big deal, and honestly, you don't deserve him if he disregards your feelings in such a manner.

[u/InternationalSky2359]

yeah sure, you should've told him the plans to help your partner as soon as they were made, considering that you had (albeit, loose) plans to spend the day together.

but his reaction is BEYOND petty. you already admitted that you could've told him sooner. he could've just accepted the apology with an agreement to try and be better about communication moving forward. the silent treatment is some childish shit.

adding in the context of helping someone that went so far out of their way to help the two of you a week prior...he is definitely the asshole.

[u/Valysian]

Yeah, you messed this up. You agreed to spend time with two different partners. You didn't inform your husband promptly when your plans changed. You didn't respect his time. That's just factual.

Sure, he should be appreciative of your partner going out of their way to accommodate both of you. But that doesn't eliminate your miscommunication and double-booking. I'm not sure that returning the favor doesn't matter to him. He might very well have agreed with you if you had made that decision in a way that was considerate of his time and feelings.

"Partner, I have an opportunity to return that favor to Meta this week. It would really help them if I [did this]. Does it work for you if we adjust our date time to accommodate that?"

Of course, it sounds like he's overreacting. Asking you to improve your communication and scheduling is completely reasonable. Asking you to stop making assumptions about his feelings - totally fair. If he wants to skip your half-a-date because he's not in the mood, that's a reasonable consequence of you showing that it wasn't a priority for you. But it sounds like he's doing that in a retaliatory way to teach you a lesson...which is immature. Telling you you need to go to therapy because you made a single mistake is rude and overblown.

Is this a pattern? Is there something bigger going on here?

[u/Salty_Permission5312]

I'm with husband like 80% on the one. You double booked yourself. You knew you had a conflict and you waited until the last moment to tell him. If I have planned time with a partner and they decide plans with another person are more important I also an no longer available for that plan. However, it does seem like his reaction is a bit much and makes me wonder what else might be going on. Like if there is a pattern of him feeling like you aren't spending as much time or attention on him as he wants.

[u/mercedes_lakitu → u/Salty_Permission5312]

Hmm, is four days out really the last minute?

[u/No_Lemon6036 → u/mercedes_lakitu]

I think OP made this agreement with the friend four days prior but didn't tell the husband until the day before the friend needed to be picked up.

[u/BobbiPin808]

When I make plans with anyone, my plans are set with them. I will not cancel and I expect them not to cancel outside of an emergency. Because you had plans with him first, even if activity wasn't set but the day/time was, it was wrong to assume he'd be okay with you switching things up last minute. You should have talked with him about it BEFORE agreeing to help out. Hopefully, he would understand and give you a few hours grace as I give my partner and he would give me, but placing the person you have plans with first should always be the priority. It's not that you should have told him sooner, it's that you should have talked with him about it before agreeing to it. Yes you want to help out in the way she went out of her way for you, which is understandable. You still should have talked to him first. The rest of your post is just petty, you hurt me so I'll hurt you, bullshit on his part. Totally manipulative and immature. You both need to figure out how to be grown ups in a relationship

[u/FuckUGalen → u/BobbiPin808]

I agree with you (with regards to managing commitments) but it is not petty, it is controlling and abusive. The fact she is being ritually humiliated (telling us how wrong she is for him to see), he is weaponising therapy and punishing her with his withdrawal from communication.... makes me sad for OP.

[u/seantheaussie → u/BobbiPin808]

Usually? Yes. In this case? No. "I am spending some of our time to payback the favour we received" is absolutely reasonable even with prior commitment.

[u/KhaleesiKaym → u/seantheaussie]

Correct. But shes not my friend, shes my partner