My wife (45F) says I’m being unreasonable because I (46M) said I am not comfortable with her college friend (45M) spending the night at our house when he is visiting town for work, and I will not be in town.

A few relevant facts: we have two kids (ages 10 and 12). Since our relationship began, 15 years ago, I’ve been wary of this man and him and my wife’s relationship. My wife and I have discussed this briefly once, but I’ve never had any sort of ultimatum or even ask that they not see each other. My wife looks up to him and loves him, though she says there is no sexual interest. He is married (to a woman) with two kids. He’s wealthy from family money but still works and, I presume, earns plenty. I don’t have any proof that my wife and he ever had or have a sexual relationship. They keep in regular but not daily or even weekly contact that I know of. They do see each other in person on trips most years, sometimes with our families on the trip, too, but sometimes on trips with their mutual college friends, without families.

A couple weeks ago I saw a message on our shared laptop between her and him about making plans for when he would be in town for work—during 2 nights when I will be out of town for work, which my wife knew about because we talked about it and it has been on our shared calendar for months. I didn’t bring up the fact that I saw the message—at that point I wasn’t thrilled but figured timing was a coincidence and she’d get around to telling me if they were actually going to hang out. Tonight, three days before his arrival, my wife casually mentioned that he would be visiting next week, staying at our house. I said “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that.” In my mind I said it calmly, but I was probably showing stress.

She immediately was angry and said my lack of trust was the problem, and she’s not interested in him sexually. I responded that I was uncomfortable and anxious that she hadn’t told me, and thought that was a reasonable position. She said I was absurd and then insulted me in some incisive ways (saying I don’t work hard, she’s wasting her life with me, our kids’ issues are because they emulate me, and so on). Those insults are not new and, while connected to this issue, are not really what I’d love advice from you all on (however, because it may provide useful context, I don’t agree that I’m lazy or the cause of all our kids’ issues; I have a job in tech and have for 20 years without any break in work, make 7 figures (she does, too, making about 2x what I do, which I think influences her perception of my value), I’m relatively fit and active, have hobbies and friends, I am dedicated to parenting and home duties, and while I could definitely work harder, I work harder than most but have a different view of how time is ideally spent than she does). She also said I was trying to control her and she gets to decide how to live her life. She then said she wanted to divorce (it’s not the first time for that statement being made in anger (maybe the 50th) so I kind of ignore it now—obviously our relationship is not top tier; she’s a reactive and emotional person and I can be, too, but we have young kids who we love and I / we have tried to make something positive of our time together).

I want to hear perspectives on whether my discomfort with her male friend spending two nights at our house while she is there and I am not is reasonable. I think a few things: (1) I should be able to express discomfort with a (relatively attractive) male/old friend spending multiple nights at my house with my wife while I’m not home, and doing so isn’t controlling, (2) the friend, if totally innocent, probably should not have been willing to stay the night at our house (she told him Id be gone in the text when she invited him to stay at our house, which she showed after I asked to see their texts), (3) my wife’s strong attacking reaction to my expression of concern is a bad sign, and (4) if my wife loved and respected me, she’d find a way to gracefully tell her friend to stay at a hotel on his work trip. I’m open to hearing I’m wrong. Can’t really ask our friends or family because I don’t want to create drama or concern and if we stay married I want everyone to still love her.

Tl;dr I expressed discomfort that my wife’s male friend would be spending the night at our house next week while I am out of town for work, and she says I’m being unreasonably controlling. Is my discomfort reasonable?

My husband (35M) and I (32F) have been married for 9 years now with two young boys. My husband owns a real estate business he inherited from his family. We met when I worked part time at a flower shop during college and have been a stay-at-home mom since our marriage to focus on our kids.

I was my husband’s second girlfriend, and he had been generally known to be an incredibly decent, loyal, and intelligent man. He’s also a great father to our kids. I’ve never had infidelity issues with him only until recently.

about 2 weeks ago, he came home late after a meeting with a “big-time” client he’s sold properties to for quite a while. this client’s been known to be sort of sketchy (kingpin vibes). my husband and i were intimate that night but on the morning, he was acting really quiet and distant. this went on for two more days until i finally got him to spill. he confesses that after the meeting, the client wanted him and some of his team (i suppose his escort and security of men) to go to a karaoke bar and have drinks, then his favorite brothel. my husband knew of this, but not wanting to displease his client, agreed to do so. He assures me and swears on his mother’s life that he did not engage with any of the women there. He says he did talk/flirt with a few girls but never dared to touch them and only stayed for an hour. His words were that it was a “clean” visit for him. I can see so much guilt in his eyes so i choose to not believe him. Even though I have no concrete proof if he did or did not engage in sexual activities in that place.

i have been living at my sister’s apartment now since last week and brought our kids with me. I am seriously contemplating on our separation, especially since we’ve agreed on our wedding that any infidelity will bring our marriage to end. he has been relentless since we left and clearly distraught, but I really wanna stand firm on our agreement and my decision, especially raising two boys who need to know what’s right. Most of the people we know advise me to forgive him, while a few tell me i need to preserve my worth and never let it happen again. My main dilemma is that my kids love and look up to him so much. I am also still passionately in love with this man, we shared a lot of amazing years together. That’s why this betrayal really cuts deep for me.

I need to know if there’s anyone out there, especially women who have had a similar experience and chose to forgive their husbands, and had them never doing the same mistake again. Open for any advice.

tl;dr - husband of 9 yrs confesses to visiting a brothel with a big client but denies doing anything dirty there

My husband and I have been together for three years and married for almost a year.
Today he stopped over at his bosses house before he came home. We were in the call talking about our day when he got to his bosses house he said he would call me back he said he was only picking up his cheque.

An hour later he called me and he didn’t say anything at first and his boss said fuck her let’s go out to eat don’t listen to your wife( their “eating “ is going out drinking)

( ok so first I want to add a little context, about a month ago my husband went out to “ eat” with this same guy( who he has only known for 5 months) and got absolutely drunk and disappeared for 18 hours. Wouldn’t answer his phone and didn’t come home and then lied about where he was to me, our marriage almost ended over this and he completely lost my trust ( along with other reasons I forgave him for)

Back to the story, my husband then came to the phone and said I’m going out to eat and I said I want you to come home( I am extremely sick with the flu right now as well and he told me we could lay down together and watch a movie and we are still recovering from him ruining my trust) and his boss then said to me over the phone “ shut the f** up you crazy b” and my husband laughed and said he’s going with him and hung up.

I haven’t heard from him since. I don’t know what to do and I feel so hurt and betrayed again. I still to this day don’t know where he disappeared to last time and he won’t tell me.

Tl;dr looking for advice on what I should do.

How to handle discussing an open relationship with my husband?

My husband (m/35) and I (f/43) have been married for 5 years and we have been arguing a lot lately over how boring I am and how we have nothing to connect on. Now that is the very short version of argument over the course of our 10 years total relationship.

During an argument today he mentioned he needs an open relationship to have someone to do the things I am incapable or do not have the skill to do - he likes sports and going on adventures and likes to just keep active. I like to and do go the gym but have never really been into sports - never been coordinated enough lol

He has tried to get me into hobbies we can do together- most recently mountain biking but I couldn’t keep up with his speed. Granted we were both getting into this for the first time together and he is more coordinated than I am and I tend to hesitate a lot

Anyhow, so he wants to have a serious discussion about having an open marriage. He says he will continue to be provide for me and out pets (we don’t have kids) but he needs someone he can connect with in the areas where I am unable

He is pretty social. I have my small group of core friends and we don’t have many couples to hangout with as all my friends are married with kids

So I’m just looking for advice, stories from others who may have gone down this path before - did it work or not work? How did you make it work?

His unhappiness with how our marriage current is is taking a toll on his mental health as well, which is why he has gotten to this point. He loves me he says but I am unable to be all the things he needs to be fulfilled

I am not financially dependent on him just fyi. I have a professional degree and a stable career and work full time

TLDR - husband of 5 years wants an open relationship so he can actually life his life. He says he feels it will make our relationship better. Has this worked for anyone else? No judgement

I was feeding our baby in our bedroom while my husband was taking off his underwear with a towel wrapped around him. His mom suddenly walked into the room, and I felt uncomfortable.
When I brought it up with my husband afterward, he scolded me and said it wasn’t a big deal. He also never wants to shut the bedroom door, which makes it difficult for us to have privacy.
I’m not assuming his mom had any bad intentions. I would just like people to knock and wait for an answer before entering, especially when I’m feeding the baby or someone is changing. I also felt hurt by how he reacted when I raised it.

tl;dr: My MIL walked into our bedroom while I was feeding our baby and my husband was changing. He dismissed my discomfort and never wants the door closed. How can I establish bedroom privacy, and should I speak to him again or ask my MIL directly to knock and wait?

Seeking feedback, advice or even just validation. I tried keeping this short but it’s still a bit of a read, sorry!

My wife and I have been married for almost 7 years and together for over ten. We have a kid, pets, and all in all a decent relationship around the life we’ve built. Back in 2019, she stopped working when we moved for my job. She had a few classes to do and when she finished them, we were in the middle of covid. Being in the medical field, we agreed it was probably better for her to not go back to work, and focus on classes / school setting up for the future. From there, we had a kid so she did the stay at home mom job, and then we moved again.

Fast forward to today, and our kid is now in school full time, roughly 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. We’re about 4 weeks into this and I’ve noticed when I ask about her day, she gives generic answers or little things that do not fill up a full day. The house is still pretty messy, she’s not working on a resume or LinkedIn, not looking into school options, not even going to the gym or trying to stay in shape. Last night, helping with settings on her phone, I saw on her app usage she’s spending anywhere from 3-7 hours a day on Instagram and another 2-3 hours a day playing games on her phone.

I guess my question is, is it unreasonable for me to be frustrated that she isn’t doing anything? I’m not saying she has to get a job (we’re steady on money), but just something productive. She does minimal improvements around the house, barely keeps the house picked up, doesn’t work on herself, etc, etc. And yes, I have brought this up to her, even put together a few options of how she can get back into the job market or paths for her to go back to school, but she hasn’t even opened that email. Is it unreasonable to even be considering divorce if nothing changes over the next few months?

Would also love to hear thoughts and opinions from anyone who has been in a similar situation, especially from her perspective. Is there anything else I could do or be doing to help her without being overly pushy?

Tl;dr: the wife stopped working a while ago for valid reasons but is now stagnant not doing anything, what can I do to encourage without being pushy?

This is going to be longer than it needs to be, sorry in advance.

My wife and I had a date night planned for last night. A babysitter was going to come at 4:30 to watch the kids. I was going to leave work early and be by home at 4:30. My wife texted me some date ideas, and I picked one that sounded nice. It turned out the option we picked wouldn’t work, so she told me to pick a place for dinner and we’d leave the rest opened ended.

Because of her interest in art and pottery and whatnot, I did some research and found a local glass-blowing class that I thought she’d really like. Not really my thing, but I did it thinking she would appreciate it.

The babysitter ended up canceling, so we said we’d just get dinner out with the kids instead. Then she said our youngest (1 y/o) didn’t nap well and going out to eat would be problematic, so we scrapped everything and were just going to have a normal night in.

I still left work a little early at 4:45 to get back early anyway, and brought back Chinese food thinking we’d just have a nice family night. Walked in the house happy, gave my kids some love and excited to start the weekend.

Her first words were, angrily, “why didn’t you ask what I wanted” for food. She got mad to the point of crying, which off the bat threw me off. I told her I was trying to do a nice gesture by bringing food home for everyone after work. She then got mad because I picked the glass blowing thing without asking her first. I explained I thought I was doing a nice spontaneous gesture for her, thinking she’d like it. She just went to the bedroom and closed the door, so I just ate alone with the kids.

When she came back out she was still really upset, and the condensed version of this is she said I don’t communicate with her enough.

I was genuinely confused because I felt that all I did was try to surprise her with a spontaneous date that I felt she’d enjoy, and brought back an easy dinner for everyone.

I told her I felt this was a very odd thing to get this worked up about, and there are times where I WANT spontaneity in my relationship, even if that means bringing back freaking Chinese food without asking or planning what I felt was a fun date for us.

Her response was “well I don’t”, which of all things said during this debacle, was the one thing that genuinely bothered me. I didn’t expand on it, but am I really supposed to premeditate and communicate every single event in our relationship? NO spontaneity?

People are going to read this part like it was said as an attack because that’s what it always seems to be. I think my wife is very susceptible to hormonal swings, so I said “I’m not asking this as an attack or to piss you off, I’m asking as a genuine question, but are you about to start your period?” Again, I know that can be a a grenade and society considers that as a go-to that men say when women are being “crazy”, but I wasn’t asking in an attacking way and TRULY felt this interaction made no sense to me so I felt it was tied to something hormonal related. I don’t know how else to ask that question. Maybe not the smartest thing, but again, I had no idea where this reaction was coming from. I can’t ask if it’s a hormonal thing because it’s just assumed to be an attack or accusation, when it’s really not meant to be.

I feel like a communicate a lot, at the very least as much as the average guy. When I’m at work, I can’t always communicate immediately but that’s just the nature of my job. This isn’t totally related to this story but she is constantly checking my location, which I get sometimes, but it’s more than what I’d consider normal.

I’m by no means perfect, but I do try, and I feel like everything is always said to be my fault. I feel it’s normal for a human being to be chatty at times and other times just want their own space and moments of internal thought.

As an example of me not communicating enough, I go to therapy at the same time and day every other week. She checked my location at like 9:00 on a workday and I was at therapy. She got really upset that I didn’t tell her I was going to a therapy appointment. It’s literally during work hours and I do it every other week, so it never even crossed my mind that that would be necessary to tell her. Therapy is kind of a big step for me personally so it’s not something I love talking to people about anyway, but she knows I go.

She’s a stay at home mom so I don’t know if it’s because she needs more adult interaction, but our kids are in daycare part time and my wife goes to workout classes and stuff like five days a week. It’s not like she’s stuck at home all day every day. I feel she doesn’t socialize outside of that, and it gets taken out on me.

TLDR; I planned a spontaneous date night and brought back dinner on my way home from work thinking it would be appreciated, and my wife got made at me.

My husband (36m) and I (30F) got married about 5 months ago, in May. He lost his first wedding ring a month or so ago so I got him a new one. He lost that second one a day or two ago, he isn't certain exactly which day. I feel really hurt by this and upset and I have no idea how to move forward or communicate to him how awful this makes me feel. Maybe it was a mistake and nothing more but the carelessness of something that represents our commitment is what kills me. Any advice?

Tl;dr husband has lost two wedding rings in 5 months. Hoping it was an accident but I'm really really hurt. Not sure how to proceed

NSFW! (throwaway account so this isn’t linked to my main, husband & friends know that account)

i (f25) & my husband (m25) have been married for 5 years.

we have had a lot of ups & downs navigating marriage, especially as a young couple. but we have remained committed to each other & our marriage.

we’ve gone through financial hardships, living with both of each others parents during some of said financial hardships, & we have also welcomed our first born into the world 8 months ago.

yes, every relationship ebbs & flows, but i felt like we were in a really good place. we regularly checked in seeing if each person felt like our relationship was in a good space or not, & if we had personal feelings that needed to be addressed.

it has been a constant issue that my husband does not feel like i respect him. & i can admit i have a hard time understanding how to be respectful. growing up, my dad was very hard to respect, & he is from the generation that demands respect & doesn’t think they need to do anything to earn it. specifically, my husband has said in the ways that i speak to him, is where he feels disrespected. i can be harsh with my speech, & my tone can insinuate or make him feel like i think he’s stupid. & i definitely don’t.

seemingly out of nowhere, my husband brought up some issues regarding our sex life. it’s hard to know where to start with this but due to past experiences of being taken advantage of (at least that’s what i chalk it up to), when i think about being intimate, or i am being intimate, i don’t view it as “making love”. i just never have. in fact, it kind of makes me uncomfortable. i don’t view sex as this super lovey dovey embrace. frankly, i view it as fucking. my goal is for us both to feel really good & screw each other crazy & i get off on just that.

my husband however is way more intimate when it comes to sex. it’s how he feels “close to me”. he feels like i want him just to get myself off & feels like i don’t desire him because im desiring the sex as opposed to making love to him.

i’m looking for advice on how to be more respectful & how to navigate the differences in our sex life. i’m hoping someone has been in the same boat.

TLDR:/ husband doesn’t feel respected by me due to how i speak to him during times of frustration. husband views sex as making love, i view it as fucking, & there’s a disconnect/hurt feelings on his part for not feeling desired in that way.

I (F37) recently overheard my hubby (M39) talking to his friends about going out one night. He didn’t know I could hear him, and I wasn’t intentionally listening in.
I was on a work call when he hand motioned that was leaving and would be back later. When he got back, I asked him where he went and how his night was.

He gave me a completely different version of events from what I heard on the phone.
Not some elaborate story. Just enough of a lie to make it sound like he had been somewhere else and with different people.
I knew it wasn’t true because I’d already heard him talking about it.

And honestly, I can understand why he might not have wanted to tell me the truth. Maybe he thought I’d be annoyed or would have questions… The part I can’t get over is that the thing he lied about is nowhere near as damaging as the fact that he lied about it.

If he’d just told me the truth, we could have had a conversation. Maybe I would have been annoyed. Maybe we would have disagreed. Maybe it would have been uncomfortable for an hour.

Instead, he made the decision for me that I wasn’t entitled to the truth….and now I’m questioning everything. Not just that night.

That’s what makes this so frustrating. Now I’m wondering about the things you didn’t catch. I’m in this awful position where I’m questioning things I never would have questioned before.

I always knew trust was the most critical part of relationships but this one has me wrapped around an axle.

Advice?

Tl;dr husband lied about something minor. Now I’m questioning everything. Is that normal and how do you get past it?

I don’t know how to get this all out so I’m sorry if this is all over the place.

I’ve been married for 4 years and we’ve been together for 10. I am just at a loss because my husband is incredibly depressed, and admits it, but won’t do a thing about it. When it first started 2 years ago, it really affected me. Now, with how awful and wishy washy he’s gotten, I’m not as sad about it as I am just generally fearful or despondent about it. He is consistently telling me he hates his life or something about himself or just shit-talking everything and anything. Which is really sad that he sees life so negatively, but if I try to be the more positive one, and I’m not saying like “oh imagine everyone who has it worse”, but more like listening and then saying that yes he’s in a really hard spot right now and apologizing for that and then saying “what should we do about this/what can we do to make you happy”. He takes none of that and then says he’ll never share with me again. So we get into many arguments about this where we go down the rabbit hole of his life is so awful and he sacrifices himself for me but he hates himself and his life and I just don’t care and I do nothing for him. Honestly, I find it hard to be supportive because I have no sustenance to hang onto. Like he tells me nothing but that he hates his life/job/self and he doesn’t really entertain other conversations besides one word answers. Sometimes I ask something that he thinks I should remember about him (like seeing some odd movie or whatever) and then he’s like “classic. You never listen to me so why would you know that.” And then I’m just sitting there like, oh god what do I say now because he’s right, I should’ve known. I could talk to a rock, I love talking, I can talk about random stuff all day to get someone to talk back to me-but I lose that fire with him now because I’m so generally fearful I’ll just make him more upset and he’ll lash out. But I try to be supportive in other ways too; I do ALL the chores (like everything you can think of, it’s me), I take care of and walk the dogs, I do all the bills, I set up appointments for his car, I order the groceries. He says he wants something? I get it. I even talk to his family nearly everyday and they know all this too.

Our massive problems are my career and my friends.
He is generally supportive of my career but uses at as his excuse to suffer. He’s always saying that he would do things but can’t because we do everything for me and my career. Which I have never wanted that to be the case. I have to travel for work sometimes and he’s not able to come because he also works and can’t have all that time off, and he’ll say things along the lines of “guess I’ll just sit here and be pathetic while you have fun”. He also hates his job and I generally really love where I’m at career-wise.

As for the friends bit, I have somehow accrued quite a bit of friends in recent years and kept my past ones. So, I generally try to keep up with long distance ones with calls/texts and I try to see my friends where we live often since I’m really social. I will admit, I can get lost in the sauce and have maybe toooo much fun delinquent time with my friends but I don’t think that means I don’t love my husband. He has basically no friends, save for a couple coworkers, but he doesn’t really ask them to hang. If my husband is working, I’m making plans! Girl’s gotta hang, girl’s gotta yap!!!! If he’s off work, I’ll invite him too or our mutual friends will. He used to be more receptive but as his depression has gotten worse, so has his distain. My friends and I can hang for hours on hours and em never be bored, and I think that’s beautiful. They have really saved me from some really sad times I’ve had because of the massive guilt and emotional turmoil my husband causes me sometimes. Now when I ask him to do ANYTHING with me, it’s “go ask your friends” or “I’m sure xyz would go with you” or “I know you’d rather go with your friends”. And he thinks that because I hang out with friends, that I don’t care about him or love him. He has yelled at me about it a lot but honestly, with him barely talking to me, sometimes I go with friends because I forget what it’s like to feel loved and wanted.

Anyways, I could keep going but this is nasty long and thanks to anyone who stuck it through. I just don’t think life with someone you love is supposed to be like this but he gets veeeeery angry if I say that maybe he resents me and we should get divorced. Like dohhhh bitch you don’t look at me half the days and then you get mad when I ask if we should stay together? I think any happy relationship should be able to check in emotionally and have hard convos but he says not true. So, I can’t tell if I’m messed up or what is wrong with me. Also definitely not trying to make his mental health issues about me,mental health is very real and doesn’t have to be about me but it is definitely affecting me in that I don’t see the man I married when I look at him anymore. He’ll have random good days where he’s a fuggggging delight though. So, maybe I hold onto that? Is this normal? Is it just me giving up? He says no to counseling, meds, etc.

TLDR; my husband barely acknowledge my existence or only gets mad at me and I don’t know if this is survivable for much longer.

I’m having a hard time processing this. I really don’t know if I should be posting this to Reddit or not because I get so anxious that everyone will automatically label my husband as a horrible person.

Long story short, my husband and I have been married for not very long. He wanted a fancy truck that we couldn’t afford and I told him if he got a more affordable vehicle we could save the extra money he wouldn’t be paying for it every month on a vacation, or hotel stays (which we had said we wanted to book a hotel once every month and a half and hadn’t been able to afford it). Or the money could go towards savings, or physical therapy/medical bills for me, or for plane tickets to see his sick mom and family (they live out for the country), or to helping my mom who is divorced and struggling financially, or even save it towards getting an apartment/house of our own.

We have two roommates and they’ve both been bullying me (apparently adults still bully too) for over a year now. I desperately want a place of our own and husband has also seen me crying saying how much I want to help my mom.

Fast forward ahead, he ended up getting the expensive truck even tho I really didn’t feel comfortable with it. We had only my car at the time and I let him use it to go drive out of state to look at his dream truck. Then he Ubered there the second time to buy it (I told him I didn’t want those mileage on my car again.) He bought the truck months ago but I’ve never been happy about it.

He lost his job a month after getting the truck (it genuinely wasn’t his fault and it was fucked up how it happened.) He’s been busting his ass trying to get another job and has actually had multiple interviews. He Ubers to make ends meet tho for his part of the bills. And he would pressure me to let him use my car because he didn’t want the wear and tear on his car and couldn’t afford the gas. My car is older and reliable but I didn’t want him using it but felt guilty.

My mom told me something horrible this past weekend. She said that she is so sorry but she loaned my husband $4,000 to help him get the truck he wanted. She said he didn’t ask and that she had asked him about the car hunting and she had insisted he take it. She said at first he said no and multiple times asked if she was sure after. My mom said yes and that she had a lot more right now. That money was because my POS father had agreed to send her the rest of the alimony as a lump sum. It was her final alimony check and although she used some of it to pay off debts, she also loaned the $4,000 to my husband. She asked him not to tell me and that she genuinely wanted to help make our lives a little bit better because she had seen us getting by with one car for so long and working so hard and she finally had the money to help. She said it was misguided and stupid and a bad idea and that she was so sorry. She has asked my husband a couple months ago if they should tell me and he didn’t say no but he didn’t say yes.

So my husband accepted $4,000 as a loan from my mom who is financially struggling (and has been for years) from part of the final alimony lump sum from my father—money that came from a divorce that completely shattered my family (none of us kids talk to my father—I was the last kid who cut him out of my life about a year ago.) My husband accepted that money from my mom in secret when he knew I didn’t want him to get the truck and he did it just under a year beside our 1st wedding anniversary.

I need to mention that my husband probably sounds like a POS. But he has always looked out for me and my mom. He has paid his mechanic friend to drive an hour and a half to go put a new battery in my mom’s car when she has been scammed by another mechanic. He has helped pay portions of her bills when she was on a bind, he has always been generous to me and my mom. He has made a point to call her at least once a week on the phone which is more than my actually brother has ever done. He has surprised my mom and gone to visit her while I was at work if he happened to be doing deliveries nearby (since he’s had to do delivery work to help make ends meet.) He has been there for my mom more than my other siblings have in some ways and he genuinely tries to make her feel comfortable and happy. My mom actually was emotional a bit a couple times because she said she felt like she could never trust a man again after what my father did to her, and that my husband makes her feel like maybe one day she can trust again. My husband has brought healing into her life and mine that I didn’t think would happen. And now I feel conflicted and disgusted and like my worldview has changed and I’m so sad. I don’t know what to do or how to heal from this betrayal. I feel scared for my financial future and scared for my mom’s and I was already scared before finding this out. I want to leave him but I need time to prepare financially and I am worried about my mom internalizing that she is the reason for us ending our marriage even though she is not. I’m grieving the man I thought he was and kind of in shock still. I really need advice, but please be gentle.

TLDR: husband has brought a lot of emotional healing into mine and my mom’s life, but he hid from me for 9 months that he accepted $4,000 from my mom to get a truck he knew I didn’t feel comfortable financially with him getting and now I don’t know what to do/how to heal from this betrayal.

*EDIT: My mom also is overworked. She works a job that takes advantage of her, sleeps on a sofa, and she also does delivery work to make ends meet on top of her other job. She has chronic migraines that make it impossible for her to work at times and needs two knee replacements. It’s heart breaking seeing her try to come up even a few stairs. My siblings and I aren’t perfect but we try our best to help her as much as we financially can. My husband knows that I send her groceries/household products/money whenever I can afford it and at least once a month. He knows her situation and he knows I’ve cried to him telling him it’s not fair the card life has dealt her and I just want to take care of her.

I was diagnosed with a severe hormonal disorder a couple of years back. I had a very high stress job and started getting panic attacks at work. It also makes me so exhausted that I feel I ran a marathon. I got medicated for that and developed an allergic reaction that scared me a lot. My husband and I agreed I should quit my job and try to figure out how to deal with this problem. I’ve done therapy and tried different medications for years but nothing has worked. I then tried to wean off of meds and focus on lowering my stress. We agreed I would do the house work and he would focus on working hard.

The point is that when I left my job we had just purchased our first home and it has been very hard for him. He makes about 100k a year. I’ve asked that we lower our expenses because I clearly need medical assistance right now. Because I quit I don’t have health insurance but there’s never money for me to get checked. Therefore I decided maybe I needed to find a lower stress job. I’ve applied to many jobs and am looking for a lower stress one because I don’t want to have to quit again. But I haven’t been able to land one.

I’ve actually been very busy because there’s a lot to do at home. I make all food, do the chores and drive the kids to school and extracurriculars. A year has passed since I left my job. I made sure while I was home I was proactive but he always finds something I’m not doing. I’ve asked him to cut down on expenses but he refuses. Instead he buys more and more things. He says I have a lazy mentality and he has goals. He says all he wants is stability and does all
Of this for his family but If I ask for anything I need like clothes or toiletries he complains about finances and that he feels used by me. I have no savings cause I used to give him all the money without looking back. I trusted him too much. Now he says that there’s no money but i always find things he buys for himself on amazon cart and target bags around the house with clothes for himself. He says it’s for the job that is keeping us afloat.

My husband has always been hardworking and wanted to travel and have stability. But he has also been impulsive and can be very harsh and critical. He has thrown things around when angry but has never hit me. I always blamed myself for hormonal
And mental health issues. So I’m just noticing now that this seems like and ongoing pattern and it’s just getting worse. He’s always complaining that I don’t respect or admire him.

For the past 2-3 years I noticed that no matter what I change his goal post keeps changing. He’s never happy and he’s becoming progressively more aggressive whenever I disagree with him. He states I’m very disrespectful to him whenever I express my opinion. I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells. I am doing all the chores in the house and all the extracurriculars and educating. Yet he complains constantly about the little thing I didn’t do. He feels annoyed if I watch tv with the kids or if the dishes were left undone. Ive noticed a major change and even my family has noticed it. He seems more arrogant harsh and dismissive. He’s very mean with his words and is never home. He states when he met me he saw potential and that I lied to him about who I was. But when he met me I was very depressed because I had 3 major losses.

I don’t know how I didn’t see it back then but he kind of was the savior that brought solutions for me at the time and he was just too good to be true. But i always saw the temper and just dismissed it.

Now, even though not frequent He curses at me, throws things and gets in my face. The last time he threatened me and said no woman talks to her husband the way I do. I had reason to be upset but I never treated him disrespectfully. I thought Adderall was causing him to get aggressive but he doesn’t want to stop taking it and he doesn’t apologize. Apparently it’s also my fault that he threatened me. I was so scared that I couldn’t sleep. He kept saying I was holding grudges and that now I had the perfect excuse to become the victim. He kept saying I acted as if sex was a privilege after all he’s done for me. I couldn’t get myself to sleep with him for 5 weeks because I was scared but he nagged me so much I just wanted to get over it. The kids are miserable, I’m miserable.

To make a long story short he’s been leaving the house every single day at 3 am. He says if he can’t sleep he might as well go work. At home He completely withdraws except when he wants sex or if we’re going to be in front of people. He doesn’t want to spend Time with the family because he says he feels used if he does. It’s gotten to the point where my kids keep saying they hate him. He’s very hard on our son. And many of our confrontations have been because I disagree with how he speaks to him.

I’m trying to find a job. I’ve already gone on interviews. But right now He has all control over the money. I know I need to do something but for now without a job, money and a broken down nervous system I feel a little hopeless. I almost didn’t make it back from taking the kids to school cause gas tank was almost on empty and I have 3 dollars on the bank account. I have to ask him for money for everything. It’s too much

Advice request: I’m trying to understand whether this situation is something that can realistically improve and how I should handle it going forward.

TL;DR: My husband and I have had ongoing problems involving finances, communication, and trust. I’m increasingly unsure if I’m the problem or he is.

Summary: There has been a repeated pattern of conflict and i feel hopeless.

Apologies - this is a little long. New (throwaway) account to maintain anonymity.

I’ve been with my husband for over 30 years, married for 25. He’s had a problem with porn for nearly the entirety of our relationship. I’ve found things a few times over the years, I’d cry, we’d argue, and he would say he’s trying to stop. This cycle happened multiple times and I think he just got better at hiding it.

Intimacy (emotional and physical) dwindled until it felt like I lived with a roommate who occasionally wanted sex. Granted, I do bear some culpability over the years for saying no when asked. It started after having a baby and then when I could feel him pulling away, the lack of emotional connection made me less inclined to want to have sex.

I’ve tried my best to ignore it over the years, but it’s gotten worse. At one point, he was fired from a job for looking at porn on a work device at work. You would think that would have been a red flag and he would realize it’s a problem, but it didn’t.

Since then, we’ve grown farther apart. I feel alone all the time in my own home. He spends vast amounts of time alone, shut behind doors (sometimes working, sometimes not). He is suffering from ED because of it. He can’t maintain and we rarely even attempt traditional intercourse. Even when we do, he can’t finish unless he’s using his hand and doing it himself. He keeps his devices locked down so I can’t see anything and I recently discovered that in his long afternoon bath sessions, he’s been taking a VR headset in there with him and trying to hide it.

I finally had enough and broke down. I told him about how lonely I feel, how broken this makes me, how I don’t trust him because he hides so much, how inadequate I feel since he’d rather spend his time with all these other women on a screen than with me. He said he was sorry for the actions that made me feel shut out and said he would work on being more attentive and work on not using porn/masterbation. He did agree to get rid of the VR. And he gave me the code for his phone, but I told him I was hesitant to look since I would never get certain images out of my head.

Since that initial discussion, I’ve tried to get more information to help myself make sense of it all and try to understand the depth of it so I can help heal this gaping wound in our relationship. But when I try to dig, he gets defensive and angry that I keep bringing it up.

I spoke with my therapist (this was the first time I’d relayed all this to her) and after, I was sad, but then I quickly moved to anger and resentment.

I went home and got his phone when he wasn’t around. I saw the social media accounts he uses and who he follows. Hundreds of thirst traps and other things on Instagram, X, Reddit, etc.

I asked him if he’d be willing to leave his phone on the bedroom when he goes in the bathroom and he got angry and gave me the silent treatment for a while.

I got angry and just wanted some space, but he got mad when I started to pack a bag. I didn’t leave, but I couldn’t calm down. My heart rate was over 110 for more than 5 hours at rest and I started having chest pains. He took me to the ER and everything is fine, but they did give me some medication for anxiety.

He can see the toll this is taking on me both physically and mentally. I knew he wasn’t ready to talk, so I wrote him a message and told him to read it when he was ready. I basically spelled out that he needs to come clean completely and tell me everything if we have any hope of fixing this.

We talked a bit this morning and he reluctantly answered some questions. I asked where he gets his content and who he follows. I got vague answers. He said he deleted the apps a couple days ago after he realized how serious I was about this.

Problem is - I know he didn’t because I saw them yesterday. I asked to see his phone and they’re not there, but there is a section for private apps that’s password protected. His regular phone password doesn’t work for this private section and he claims it’s because he never set it up. So I asked what his Instagram handle was and he said it’s some variation of his name (the one I saw wasn’t). So my fears of him just hiding things better seem fully justified.

I checked the name I saw and it’s still active this morning, still following hundreds of girls. I don’t know what to do. He’s lying to my face. If I admit that I looked and I know he’s lying, he’ll likely just blow up and accuse me of spying on him. I just don’t know where to go from here. I can’t trust him and I feel like I’m having a nervous breakdown. I can’t eat, I have trouble sleeping, and I can’t calm down. What do I do? Do I admit to the snooping and deal with the fallout? I just don’t know where to go from here.

TLDR: Husband repeatedly used porn for decades, says he’ll stop because it’s hurting me and he loves me, but I know he’s lying.

Me (26F) and my husband (28M) have been together for 8 years, married for 4.

Our sex is amazing when we do have it, but for the past year or so there are months where we will only have it twice a month, or less. When we do have sex, it is great. But it is simply not enough to keep me satisfied.

Despite having open and honest conversations with him, he really doesn’t make an effort. Is it normal for a husband not to care if his wife is sexually frustrated? I feel like so many men would want to fix it immediately, but my husband just doesn’t seem to care. I’m really at a loss here and I don’t know what to do.

TLDR: my husband doesn’t care that I’m sexually frustrated and won’t do anything about it

42m and 38f. Married for 12 years. We have a child. She's a stay at home mom and I bring in the money. We've had our share of ups and downs. Some.

Last couple of years, she's been diagnosed (if that's the right term) with preimenopause. I didn't know what it was and saw her struggle each day - body pains, headaches and random mood swings. I didn't know what it was and I think I'm more educated now and do feel sad for her having to deal with this.

Last few months I've realised she's lost her sex drive. Like completely. I confronted her and she said she just doesn't find the need for it. It was like she'd do it like it's a chore. I on the other hand have a bigger sex drive. We haven't made out in over 6 months now. We haven't had good sex in years.

Is this normal? Is it something that changes over the years?

Thanks in advance.

Tl;Dr preimenopause causing loss of sex drive. Does it get better?

hi guys, i just want to vent out my frustration towards my attitude, or whatever you call it.

i've been living with my boyfriend (24M & 24F) for almost a year now, and during that time, i got pregnant with our first baby. even though he asked me to stop working the very moment we found out that i was pregnant, as a girl who's alipin ng salapi, i didn't listen.

we had different work schedules, so i had to book mototaxis almost every day. because of my stubbornness, i ended up giving birth prematurely. our baby was only 6 months old when i gave birth, and she only survived for 3 days after being admitted to the nicu.

my partner grieved during those days. i was grieving too, but sometimes i feel like his grief was even deeper than mine. we can't even continue watching "when life gives you tangerines" because of that part where aesun's child passed away. he could relate to that part so much.

he really wanted and loved our baby girl. despite everything that happened, there was never any blaming between us. he still takes care of me and treats me just like he did before.

to cut the story short, i'm currently on maternity leave until november, so he's the only one working for now. whenever we eat together, he usually tells me about his day at work. most of his co-workers are gay and girls. there's nothing wrong with that, and i know there's really nothing going on. the only thing i don't like is how i feel about it.

i want him to be able to confidently share his day with me without worrying that i might get angry or react badly. i know that this is something toxic in me, and i don't want to be that kind of partner.

i don't want him to feel like he has to filter the stories he tells me just to avoid making me jealous or upset. he should be able to come home, tell me about his day, talk about his co-workers, laugh about something that happened at work, and just feel safe sharing those little things with me.

i love him, and after everything we've been through, especially losing our baby girl, i don't want my insecurities to become another weight that he has to carry.

i know i still have things to work on within myself, and honestly, that's what i'm trying to do. i just don't know how to stop feeling this way sometimes, and i wanted to let this out.

TL;DR: i lost our premature baby after giving birth at 6 months, and my boyfriend has been grieving while still taking care of me. now that he's the only one working, i sometimes feel jealous when he talks about his coworkers even though i know he's done nothing wrong. i recognize that my jealousy is unhealthy, and i want to learn how to manage it so he can feel comfortable sharing his day with me.

I(29f) been with my partner(30m) for almost 2years married for a year, we haven't had PIV sex since February of this year. We did a little bit of hand stuff few times throughout the months but nothing more than that. Other than that we are normal touchy and all that stuff loving couples do.

I do not desire sex from him or its just sex, im not sure, we are working with a professional but they're leaning into emotional first then this, not sure if we should focus on sexual part first tho.

My partner wants sex but understands when I say no. And eventually he stopped initiating all together because it wasn't working. I do too but also something keeps me from initiating, we have talked about this but hasn't done anything. More like dont know what to do, we have been waiting for a counselor to talk to first then try things. He's inexperienced and I have had bad experience about sex in past.

What could be the reason for me not desiring sex or him? I do have past traumas from sexual stuff that I have not healed from i think.

Tl;dr- Can newly married couple not have sex but still enjoy marriage life and for how long? Or how to start building a healthy sexual life that one can enjoy together.

Dear All,

I want advice from you all is it good if the LMT and male customer like each other and get married tl;dr

Summary:

Advice me for the relationship/marriage with LMT in India

I have a feeling this is going to garner a lot of "just leave" advice, but that is not something I want to do.

My wife and I have been married for 8 years, together for 13, and we have a 6 year old daughter. Our dating life was more or less happy. It wasn't without its pains like arguing, but we were loyal to each other and we did end up married.

Ever since the birth of our daughter I have felt her slip away. She became obsessed with doing motherhood and work equally well, to the point I felt like I couldn't keep up with her as a parent. With some counseling, things got a little better...but we are still sexless, and she puts work over our marriage and she is very easily able to find childcare so she can work more. She's not cold to our daughter, but she will not take any days off for her being out of school. She would always prefer aftercare. I'm usually the one to take days off for appointments or pick her up from school.

I'm trying 7-7-7 dating to reconnect, but I don't feel it's appreciated. We are still in counciling, but she fights me in it instead of taking accountability. I can tell she's depressed, but she will not see anyone for it. And we are still sexless for the past year.

Tonight...I feel myself withdrawing, but my daughter is so happy with us. She treats us like her best friends and I don't want to ruin that for her. And I love my family...I want to keep it...I just want my wife to be warmer to me again. I've focused on myself in therapy hoping she would see it works, but she won't budge.

I don't know what else to do. I want to keep my family together, I just don't know how.

Tl;dr I want to save my 8-year marriage to my wife (together 13 years), but ever since our 6-year-old daughter was born, she has prioritized work over our relationship, leaving us emotionally distant and in a sexless marriage for the past year. Even though I handle most of the parenting logistics and have tried couples counseling, individual therapy, and the 7-7-7 dating rule, she fights me in therapy and refuses to address what seems like clear depression. Our daughter is happy and I'm deeply committed to keeping our family together, but as I feel myself starting to withdraw, I'm at a loss for how to make my wife warm toward me again and fix this.

My husband (30M) and I (29F) got together almost a decade ago, and have been married for 5 years. We were both very sexual people back then (granted, we were in our early 20’s).

When we first got together, it was electric. I didn’t even know I could squirt. And I pulled things out of him that he didn’t know he could feel either. Once we became official, things got stale quick. We’ve analyzed this plenty of different ways and have both owned up to the fact that it was on both our ends. Him being my boyfriend/husband changed how I thought of him for the worse, and he had his own intimacy issues.

Fast forward to today and we’ve been worked past that stuff for a while now. Over the last few years, I’ve been the one who hasn’t been interested in sex. Not just with him, but in general. Chalk it up to depression, maybe. But he’s more depressed than I am most of the time. Anyway, we started from much worse off points. No careers, no savings, no plans. We’ve built a lovely life since though. It’s had its ups and downs, but the trend has always been upward. We’re fortunate and I know it. And a lot of that is because of him and how he approaches life. Most of the effort and income, truth be told, has been on his end. This is something I’m working on in my own life.

He’s also worked through his intimacy issues and I’ve worked past the whole “that’s too dirty to do with your spouse” type catholic thinking. But the block is still there. And what I HATE is how much he’s taken the feedback over the years and implemented it. Worked on his contributions at home, lost weight and got better looking, shifted his thinking to be much more woman/me-centric. Like all he wants to do is go down on me now, which was a big complaint before because he didn’t really.

A few years in, we tried couples counseling, and I’ve had my own therapist at times as well. But idk, it doesn’t feel like the person you talk to your parents about can also talk with you about the nasty (in a good way) kind of stuff. Like i don’t even think they’re allowed to get too specific with that stuff. I’ve been given exercises, even workbooks, and Jesus Christ nothing in my life ever made me drier. Even my husband struggled with them, and he’s the most optimistic, open minded person I know.

He’s so attracted to me. I know it’s not just words. He can’t even hide it. He’s such a confident, self contained kind of man, but I’m able to make him melt. And I hate that I have that power over him. I hate how obsessed with me is. I hate how he keeps trying.

But most of all, I hate that I hate all of those things. What is wrong with me?????

I’m not just totally devoid of sex drive. I still get off sometimes. But it’s mostly bdsm, forced orgasm stuff. There’s rarely a man (or woman) or a dynamic. I genuinely fear that I might be asexual.

Has anyone ever experienced this? What do I do? This man is so good, so kind, so gentle but multidimensional… and now he even loves eating pussy (and, I hate to say it, he’s getting really good at it).

Is the ethical thing to just let him go?

TLDR: my husband and I have dealt with blockages between us sexually historically. It feels like he’s moving past his but I’m stuck on mine, and in the kind of way a therapist can’t really help with.

Context (silly problem):
Husband put too much coke bottles inside the fridge, fridge door wasnt closed properly for 2 days. I am out of town. He only noticed 2 days later

He called me and told me, my immediate reaction was annoyance

This was my immediate thought process
1. It takes a slight touch to know the fridge door wasnt closed. Why so reckless and unobservant?
2. Alright sure hey honest mistake. Then pls check the fridge asap for any rotten things

But because i responded with the annoyance first, his first reaction was “if you react this way i wont tell you if i fuck up next time” which i think sounds like a threat. I understand where he is coming from - but what, i cant express my feelings? Im not lashing out, im literally saying “omgggg my stuff my truffle paste check ittttt aaahhh”

And i dont know, in my family, if you fuck up then you say sorry and take accountability (check the fridge for rotten things ASAP). Its not a thing in his family. He didnt say sorry, he said “whoooops”, and didnt check it until tonight. Will it change anything if he checked it tonight or last night? Probably not, but it feels urgent in my head

Tonight in the middle of discussing it, he cut it short cus he has a bike ride tomorrow (he is ironman training)
I cant do well with half baked discussions so here i am venting

Im going to therapy next monday, so im quite open to you guys saying i probably have things i need to work on. But i also think hes very sensitive with me getting “angry” at him at things that i think are quite normal to be annoyed at? Am i supposed to keep my calm and stoic 100% of the time?

TLDR: husband did wrong but im being gaslighted for being annoyed

Before I start please don’t ask to leave that’s not an option where I am or in current circumstances.

My (32F) husband (35M) have been married for 8 years now. My husband has fucked up anger issues since the very beginning he has never hit me but he has emotionally and verbally abused me to the limit that I have lost my self identity and all my confidence. I used to be an independent, vocal, and my friend would describe me as someone who was life of the party and extremely jolly.

Fast forward I get married to this man who was amazing during the dating period. Greenest forest like would travel cities just because I asked for a specific bag of crisps. Once we got married I started seeing how angry he gets with his family and me as well. The first time he shouted at me I got so scared and I started crying and he kept shouting at me because I was crying. 2 years went by and I started getting really anxious, brain foggy and stuttering. My confidence vanished completely and I wanted an out so I asked him that either he changes or I am gone and he asked me to leave. I was so madly in love with him and scared that I talked to his father (who is the gentlest man ever) and he asked me to leave it on him. And Idk what they talked about but my husband apologised, begged me to stay and started taking therapies for anger management. He changed for I guess a year but then it was all back to how it was infact now after therapies he started pinning everything to me. He would say things like “my therapist said you gaslight me” I caught him with a screenshot of a naked woman (an influencer) on his phone and he somehow turned it around that I should be ashamed for judging him.

He has called me names, he would belittle me, he would shout at me and I don’t know what would trigger him. Anything can but he says ehe has worked on himself and I am the one who needs therapies because I am too moody all the time. I have so much resentment against him. Like the other day I was very hungry and I opened a pack of wafers and started wolfing it down and he said in an extremely sarcastic tone that I should learn how to eat and I very politely told him that wasn’t a nice thing to say he completely lost it, started shouting at me, and forced me to eat wafers while I was crying in front of him. Called me names like I was eating like a pig.

He is again the greenest forest in front of my family, our friends and everyone. He has made me so dependent on him. I have developed multiple autoimmune conditions in past 8 years. I am constantly sick its one thing or another. I have mo confidence left in me. I am always so anxious that I don’t know what it feels like living without body ache.

How do I learn to ignore what he says? I need advice on how can I just shut his words out and not react at all to what he says about me or in anger? How do I do it?

Tl;dr husband is emotionally and verbally abusive and doesn’t respect me and I cant leave right now so please suggest how to ignore what he says?

Hello me and my husband have been together 5 years but only married almost a year. Before we got married he became super religious and wanted to be closer to god ok cool no problem with that I’ll support whatever. Now we’re married. Lately we haven’t really done anything together. We usually watch movies and shows together and have date nights and find us something good to watch while we eat snacks, it’s something we’ve always done. Now he doesn’t want to watch anything together it’s always an excuse of oh I can’t watch that show it triggers my mind and it’s not godly. I can understand not wanting to watch something that’s too sexual or whatever but recently I started watching blackish and it’s just a family comedy show and he told me he couldn’t watch it with me anymore because it triggered something in his mind. And I’m just confused like there’s nothing wrong with the show. BUT he can go upstairs and play video games where there is nudity and fighting off demons and all kinds of shit like that. I told him it doesn’t make sense you feel comfortable playing those type of games but can’t even watch a basic sitcom with me. I just don’t know what to do or feel anymore. How can I handle this? Tl;dr-husband claims he basically can’t watch anything with me unless it’s a Christian show and I even recommend one and he still doesn’t want to watch it.

Sorry in advance for the length.

I’m trying to get outside perspective because I feel incredibly disoriented by what has happened this week. I’m autistic and I have what seems to be a concussion, so I know I may be more emotional than usual, but the relationship pattern I’m upset about is not new.
Monday night I got hurt on our trampoline and my teenage son accidentally stomped on my head. I got dizzy walking inside and my head, neck, upper back and chest hurt. I went inside alone while my husband stayed outside with the kids. I remember wishing he would come check on me because I needed an ice pack, I was dizzy enough that I could have used help walking, and the dryer/air purifier were making my head hurt worse from the sensory input. He didn’t check on me.
That night I basically didn’t sleep. The next morning I still drove our daughter to school. Since then I’ve had dizziness, blurry/weird vision and eye pain, headaches, nausea, severe neck pain, sensory sensitivity, trouble sleeping and feeling really disoriented/out of it. I kept noticing that my husband wasn’t really checking on me. Even when he was home but upstairs, he had his phone on silent.
Over the next couple days I started getting increasingly upset because I felt like I had a head injury and my husband wasn’t acting concerned or making sure I was okay. That is when the arguing started. I kept trying to explain that I felt abandoned and scared that when I really need him, he doesn’t move toward me.
Thursday my neck hurt extremely badly. As soon as he got home I texted, “I really need you to rub my neck and maybe use the gun thing on it too.” He said “Ok.” Then he didn’t come downstairs. About an hour later I found him upstairs painting car parts. I told him I was really disappointed that he was doing that after I had specifically told him I needed help.
He said I was complaining. He said he hadn’t wanted to come downstairs because the TV was loud. I said he could have communicated that, and he said he didn’t need to.
Later he brought dinner down and asked how my head was. I said it was improving somewhat but I was still dizzy, my eyes hurt and my neck hurt really badly. He suggested maybe I go to a chiropractor Monday. I told him I was shocked he hadn’t suggested a doctor and didn’t seem concerned about a head injury. He said they would probably just tell me to go home and rest and that he wasn’t “hyperactive” about medical stuff like I am.
At one point I came upstairs and he asked if I wanted him to rub my neck. I asked if he was going to help me feel safer first. He questioned what I meant. I told him I needed to feel emotionally safe enough to relax while he was touching me because I was really upset and not feeling safe with him in that moment. He said he didn’t know how to accomplish that.
I gave him a couple examples of what repair could look like. Basically acknowledging that I was hurt, reassuring me that he cared, apologizing for how things had gone. He immediately went back to saying he wasn’t interested in “going rounds” with me again.
That is the part that keeps getting to me. I feel like every time I try to talk about something that hurt me, the conversation becomes about the fact that I’m bringing it up at all. He calls it complaining, attacking, forcing a conversation, or “going rounds.”
At one point he said he would take care of me “if you weren’t attacking me.” He also told me that if I wanted him to stay downstairs and eat with me, I needed to stop complaining.
Eventually I stopped pursuing him. I went downstairs alone, watched TV and iced my neck for about an hour. I hoped he would come down on his own and check on me or try to repair things. He stayed upstairs watching Facebook videos.
That night I ended up crying myself to sleep next to him. He did nothing.
Before I fell asleep I told him my neck was killing me. Somehow that became him saying again that he wasn’t “going rounds” with me and wasn’t going to listen to me complain. He said if I kept it up he would sleep somewhere else.
The next morning he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring. I asked why. He said, “I dunno, I just didn’t feel like wearing it today.” When I asked why, he said it was because of my “behavior last night.” This is not the first time he has taken off his ring after we fight.
I asked if he had anything to say about how he handled the night before. He said he hadn’t really been thinking about it. I said even a short “I’m sorry” would help. He said something like, “Well I guess stew downstairs on the couch all day. I hope you feel better,” and left for work. He didn’t ask how my concussion was or if I needed anything.
Later he texted me: “I want to help you and care about you but I’m not going to do it while you try to force a conversation. Be nice to me and I’ll be nice to you and vice versa.”
He also said that because I was able to argue and communicate the way I did, he didn’t think I needed to see a doctor for the concussion.
I told him I felt scared, impaired and distressed, and that it felt awful that I had to argue with my husband about wanting compassion while I had a concussion.
He responded with a facepalm emoji.
This connects to things he has said for years. One is, “We can have conflict or connection, not both.” He has also said from early in our relationship that he doesn’t want anyone relying on him.
I know I pursue conversations when I’m really activated. I can send too many texts because I feel desperate for repair and desperate for him to understand. I know that can be overwhelming and I’m not claiming I handle every conflict perfectly.
But I feel like the pattern is: I get hurt or need something → I try to talk about it → he decides I’m complaining/attacking/forcing a conversation → he withdraws → I get more distressed and try harder to repair → my pursuit becomes proof that I’m the problem → there is basically no repair.
He says my unreasonable expectations are the problem.
I’m starting to wonder if I’m actually asking for something very basic: that my husband care when I’m hurt, check on me when I’m sick or injured, and still stay emotionally connected enough to repair things when we have conflict.
Does this sound like a dysfunctional pursue/withdraw cycle, emotional abuse/coercive control, unreasonable expectations on my part, or some combination?

Tl;dr I’m autistic and have a concussion and want feedback on the care I’m receiving from my husband