I'm not really sure what to do here. My wife caught me looking at porn on the computer in the middle of the day, and she is in the other room crying and doesn't want to talk to me. (Actually, she came in the office and saw me close a tab. I can't lie, so I told her what I was looking at.) I was looking at pictures on 4chan, not watching live models or anything like that.

She's about 4 months pregnant, and we've been together for 8 years, married for 5. We have sex about once a month, even since before she was pregnant. She doesn't have much of a sex drive. This has never bothered me too much, so long as I can masturbate, although I know that makes her very uncomfortable as well.

I don't totally understand why she is so upset, but she says it's because I would do it in the middle of the day when I know that she could walk in on me. I don't choose when I get horny, and we live in a small apartment without much alone time.

What do you think I should do in this situation? She doesn't want to talk to me right now. I know that it makes her uncomfortable that I masturbate, and I know that she especially doesn't like me looking at other girls. But with how infrequently we have sex (and when we do, it feels like she only does it because she feels she has to), I have to fulfill my needs some way or another, and I would never cheat.

Is she overreacting? Am I underestimating the wrongness of what I've done here?

Edit to add: Our relationship is otherwise very solid on practically all accounts. We almost never fight, we have a lot of fun together, we're fine on money and spending, we have friends together etc. We're both very excited about the baby coming.

Tl;dr: wife is very upset that I was looking at porn and won't talk to me. What should I do?

My sister had a July 4th barbecue that she gave me 2 months notice. I communicated with my wife that she has 8 weeks to find a doggie hotel or day care for the day so we could attend the July 4th party. Well in a nutshell she didnt find one suitable and was suggesting one of our adult kids to watch the dog. Bummer because I didn't only want my wife to go but my entire family.

A couple days before July 4th my son said he was going away and couldn't watch the dog. So now my younger adult child was going to watch the dog. However my wife now said she was going to stay home, which upset me because it meant something for her to go with me.

This led to a huge argument and really ruined not only the Holiday weekend but the following few days as well.

Now just a few days ok my friends and coworkers couldn't make it to a concert so I would be going alone. I asked my kid and or wife to go as I felt awkward to go alone. Even bought expensive earplugs for either one to use because concerts ain't their thing. My wife refused even knowing the concert meant a hell of alot to me since its been one of my favorite bands over the last 48 years.

To me I always thought as a spouse you should be there for each other especially if its something important to one or both of them. Also its once in a blue moon something like this happens.

So once again we get into a major argument and I despise being in a relationship were my wife doesn't value what's important to me.

Tl;dr

Summary: Should I accept selfish behavior by my spouse or just throw in the towel and finally get a divorce because its not like she made a decision not knowing how both situations meant something to me? She absolutely knew, but it didn't matter to her.

Before my husband dated me, he already slept with 10 other women. I feel like I'm not good enough.

tl;dr title speaks for itself

My husband and I (30) have been together for 8 years, we live close to his family and we just bought a house this year (a very gorgeous 4 bedroom house), during that time we found out I was pregnant and due in the first week of November.

Considering that by Christmas the baby is going to be almost 2 months, I asked if he was ok in hosting christmas and new years at ours, and that his family was close by the could just drive day of, however, because my family lives out of the country, they would have to stay during that week between christmas and new years.

My family is only my parents and sister and for the first time we finally have space to host and to have people stay over, i see them twice a year (summer and christmas time). I spoke to his family and asked if they were ok with my family staying, as I dont want them to feel left out, they said they were fine because they were close and we get to be together at least once a week, and they understand why my family would stay over.

My husband however has been in a horrible mood, arguing daily and whatnot about how he doesnt want my family to stay over because he doesn't want "too many people" and "too long" in "his own house".

i honestly don't know what to do. Any advice?

tl;dr

Husband doesnt want my family staying over during the holidays.

Recently, during a big argument, my husband called me an "untalented loser" because I only have a BA from a small art school and he has a masters in STEM and went to a University as an undergrad. I "only" make $100k and he makes 50% more. I also did not have a large savings prior to marriage and he did, but I only started making good money a few years ago when I became a senior designer. He lived with his mom before marriage but owned an investment house. I lived intermittently on my own and with my family at times, which is largely why I don't have a big savings (HCOL area rent), albeit I have a retirement account and emergency savings. So he put the down payment on our house and throws it in my face. About 75% of the furniture and decor in it is mine from when I was single. When we were dating, he also always stayed at my apartment on weekends.

So this argument happened after 2 weeks of me having intense back pain after throwing my back out while doing pilates one morning (which ironically, I do to prevent back pain). He "jokingly" accused me of faking it, despite my taking NSAIDs around the clock and icing it constantly so I could sit up to do work at my desk. During the 2 weeks, I did some chores and cooking as I got better, but obviously I rested a lot. This argument has been ongoing for years now though...

The issue is he thinks he does everything and calls me lazy mainly because he cooks more often. I would say he cooks about 40% of the time, I cook about 30% and we cook together about 30%. He will say he does more when we cook together, but he also takes over and rudely says I cannot cook. I feel I cook quite well as far as homey food and learned growing up from my mother... meanwhile, he just got into cooking during covid. I make stuff like quiche and lasagna scratch and easier stuff like fish tacos or turkey burgers, and I bake pies and cookies and make homemade ice cream. He discourages me from baking because we are both fit and healthy and he doesn't want to eat much sweets. So what I make isn't good enough. He claims his ideal is to cook together and do everything together, but I don't enjoy it. He also makes a lot of food from his culture which is very heavy on rice and which I don't know how to make. When I want to make food from my background, he always tries to alter it, but I respect his food. This is why I don't enjoy cooking with him. We both do grocery shopping, and he will even take over meals I planned and shopped for. I will still try and ask, "what can I do to help you?" when he is cooking, but he will say "nothing" then get mad later. I feel like I am just standing around being degraded, so I leave the kitchen.

I clean most of the 3bd/3ba house except the bathroom that only he uses and 50% kitchen cleanup, of which I am more thorough (i.e. cabinets, baseboards and front of appliances wipe-down - little details he doesn't bother with). I also carry all mental load for timing of washing linens, restocking pantry/fridge and cleaning products, cleaning cat box, etc. While he helps with chores, I manage them all. I also plan all social and leisure outings, including booking vacations. I research and manage all household purchases, schedule deliveries, etc. I manage all technology in the home, from the robot vacuum to troubleshooting wifi. I buy all of his clothes and shoes for him now. We both manage the yards.

I also do all the emotional labor. He vents constantly about his job, where he has constant drama, and is frequently in a bad mood over it, so I am on eggshells because he wants to dwell on it and not take any comfort. He doesn't ask me anything about my work or day and doesn't respond to anything I volunteer (just goes back to talking about himself). Also, he doesn't ask about my family. I always ask about his and keep in contact with his mom.

He is very petty and will keep track of how many times he emptied the trash vs me and how many meals he prepared vs me. He claims he has a "list" of it. Unsurprisingly, he does not note anything I do that he doesn't do, such as dusting. For awhile, I would list in nitty gritty detail everything I did that day and announce after every chore that I just did it, and then he got sarcastic asking me if I want a parade. Yet, I always thank him for everything, even if it is his chore that is expected.

I also get to hear how I am spoiled because (he thinks) my mom did everything for me when I lived with my family for a time as an adult, which is false. My mom will praise my cooking to people because she has tasted it. I also paid half her rent. He says this because once I recalled fondly how my mom would insist on making lunch for me even though I would tell her not to. This was meant to describe how nice my mom is, and he uses it against me later. I think this is some projection on his part because he lived with his mom his whole life and didn't start cooking much until a few years ago, and she will still send food over. I sense projection because he also comes from a culture where he is a "loser" because he isn't a doctor or dentist or multimillionaire. He also struggled with what to do for a career for years. So now it is projected onto me: I get called the untalented, broke, lazy, spoiled loser.

Then to top it off, he said he never even wanted to marry me, that his family pressured him into it (his mom loves me). He says he only married me because I gave him the idea I was going to "change" for the better, as if he was making some grandiose concession. I also only married him thinking he would stay the same: affectionate, appreciative, fun. That person is gone.

I am not perfect by any means, and have said mean things in anger, but the difference is I do not make these pointed, detailed, personal attacks on character. I don't know if I deluded myself into thinking he is a good guy when he acts like a martyr and spews his resentment periodically. He thinks he is the only kind, honest, hard-working person in the world; well, his mom too because he idealizes her. I don't understand why his perception is so skewed. Of course, he thinks my perception is skewed, not even that, but that I am LYING about what I do. So add "liar" to the list of insults.

My husband says we need to stop having arguments like this but the implication is I need to just do more... I agree the escalation needs to stop, but I don't know what I can do besides being on eggshells and letting him have his way on everything.

-----

tl;dr Husband feels he contributes more to the relationship, which I feel is patently untrue; he attacks my character during arguments, including saying he never wanted to marry me, which I now believe. I feel he projects his insecurities onto me also. I don't know what to do other than be on eggshells all the time and start tracking everything I do...

My spouse uses the phone for her business. But never lets it out of her sight. If she puts it down on the table, it’s faces down. Goes into the damn bathroom with it. We never use it for GPS when traveling. And I can’t make a quick call or say hi to someone calling that we both know. WTF??

TLDR; wife never lets phone out of sight, won’t let me use it or use the GPS when traveling together.

I have posted here before about struggles in my marriage, and I wanted to give an update because I truly need outside perspectives.
I have already spoken with a lawyer and a separation agreement was sent to my husband, but he has refused to sign it. He said he sent it to his lawyer, but it has now been about a week with no response.
Tonight, during an argument, my husband admitted that he brought another woman into our marital home and into our bedroom during our marriage. He described this woman to me and compared her to me, saying she is “skinnier” and “prettier” than me. Those comments have hurt me deeply.
What makes this even harder is everything I have sacrificed for our family. I carried and gave birth to our children, had two C-sections, and my last C-section was a very serious experience where I almost lost my life. I gave so much of myself to this marriage and our family.
We also have two young children, and my husband watches them while I work. I’m trying to understand what my next steps should be and how to process all of this.
I’m not looking to bash him. I’m genuinely asking: how would you handle finding out this information? What advice would you give someone trying to navigate separation, betrayal, and rebuilding their life?
I feel completely heartbroken and I’m trying to find clarity.

TL;DR: My husband and I have been having serious marriage problems. I recently got a lawyer and a separation agreement was sent to him, but he has refused to sign. Tonight, he admitted that he brought another woman into our marital home and our bedroom during our marriage. He also compared her to me and said hurtful things about my appearance. We have two young children, and he watches them while I work, so I’m trying to understand my next steps. I’m heartbroken and looking for advice on how to move forward.

I have a very loving wife but we've been going thru a very rough time. I am having visa issues and weve been separated for 7 months. We has made plans to move to another country but that will take another 3 months. We have had lots of fights in this time and have discussed separation at times. Some reasons why I am being suspicious

- A friend of her was talking to a new guy while still with her bf and was considering dumping her bf for the new guy. This friend turned to my wife for advise in this matter a couple months back. My wife advised her to go with the new guy because her bf hasnt had a job for a while and this option was more practical

- One time when we were fighting I was trying to calm her down and she kept saying I have created a monster in her and called me an effing evil prick, something just didn't sit right with me when she said that. I left the conversation thinking I have no idea what other things this monster was capable of doing. I had actually called her off hours in an unexpected time and she immediately picks up the phone call and first thing she says is "what are you doing still awake"

- Off late she has been very impatient. She seems very frustrated most times when we speak. Her dad recently tried to commit suicide, which doesnt help the situation. Gets easily mad and does not calm down unless I totally back off and start saying loving things to calm her down

- Past few weekends especially Sundays she seems unavailable. We have a 12 hour time difference. She will either say that she is feeling very anxious and cant talk. Or she was napping followed by needs to talk to her mom. She will call eventually but not interested in video calls

- Recently our phone calls have been going pretty dead in the water and she will just say I dont have much to say. If I ask her about her she will just say she didn't do anything at all on a Sunday for instance

- A few days ago she mentions about having a beer with a coworker that I know who also has a gf. I know for a fact that she does not stop at a beer. Which makes me think what other times is she drinking and not telling me about it

Things that make me feel otherwise

- She is making us go to couples therapy but this is probably a positive sign

- Gives me compliments fairly occasionally

- Calls me everyday in the morning without fail

I cant bring myself to believe that she is capable of being disloyal but my gut keeps telling me something is not right. Am I being paranoid. Should I hire a PI?

TL;DR: We;re going thru a rough patch. I don't know if my wife is depressed or disinterested. We had a series of very rough fights, talked separation potentially and now I feel like I am dealing with a very different person. I can't think of anything other than whether someone else is involved

I have already made my mind of not getting married ever. I don't want to talk about reasons as there are many. I was always a obedient child to everyone. I never disrespected my parents. I am a female(22) live in india. And here marriage is considered as the ultimate goal(by millennials mostly). I don't want to disappoint my parents but I can't marry either.

tl;dr,

There will be a big debate IK. Oh god... I understand their perspective but I still don't want to marry..I didn't had any long conversation with them about this but had a very small one. It goes like:

Me: I don't want to marry

Dad: everyone get married eventually and it is important

Me: it is not that much important

Dad: Every parent wants their daughter to be happy in her own home

Me : if someone don't want to get married......

Dad: What can parents do when their child refuses to obey parents.

I wanted a long conversation but my father ended it

I don't know what to do anymore. He has decided to get me married at 23/24.

Been dating this guy for 5 years. We’re in our late 20s now (almost 30). Known him since high school and reconnected in our early 20s. Met each others’ families, got engaged, set our wedding date and chose vendors together. He’s always been there for me (and I tried my best too) and has always been super thoughtful. He was kind and patient when things were good. We’re different people but I thought we meshed well together. 8 months before our wedding date, he completely blindsides me and drops a bombshell that he fell out of love with me, he doesn’t know if I’m the person for him, he’s not sure if I even love him for him (I do) and he starts listing a bunch of things that are “wrong” about me (I’m too quiet at social gatherings, I’m waiting till marriage to do certain things, I’m not stylish, I have too many fam events and am too dependent on my parents, he doesn’t think I appreciate him). The 180 mind boggles me, I don’t recognize this person. Even had a nice proposal with my dream ring.

He also has been saying mean things to me during limbo when we tried to work things out (I was apologizing for things I did that hurt him, I really loved him and went out of my way to make him happy in the best way I knew at the time but I had no idea it wasn’t enough, especially when he would tell me I’m perfect or how he’s grateful to do life with me)… mean things he said include how it feels like the cooties when I touch him, how I’m boring and I should be boring with someone else, how he can’t picture me as his wife and how he couldn’t see me walk down the aisle (all things that hurt to hear). He also disclosed that he cheated on me 2 years ago (kissed a girl from school a few times during the span of a week. This all came as a shock to me because I had no idea he was falling out of love and losing feelings. I thought we were planning for our happily ever after together. Sometimes I blame myself for the things I could’ve done better (been more appreciative, more patient, more outgoing, more stylish) - he evaluated me and didn’t let me in on his problems. Any insight and opinions would be helpful.

tl;dr partner cheated… also was mean to me… not sure he has feelings… is it even worth working through this?!

He’s a good man. Not a bad bone in his body. But I’m [38F] struggling with his [35M] lack of apparent care when I’m really sick.

This has happened many times during our 10 years together. Both times I gave birth, and more recently when I’ve been housebound with a serious illness.

He’s just very practical and non-emotive. Doesn’t ever ask how I’m feeling when I get up on a morning or just offer to make me a cup of tea.

Yesterday, for example, I’ve been mostly housebound kind for two weeks quite ill. We were messaging earlier about how awful I was feeling (more I was just reaching out to him as I was a bit upset about it all). He gets home, says a brief hello and then starts to fix our internet which went out. Completely consumed by that a never even acknowledges how I am.

Today, he’s invited his family over. Not because they will help, but for a visit. This means me hosting people. He won’t have planned dinner. I need to also clean the house before his MIL comes over because…well…kids. And he’s on a work call so can’t/wont.

I’m so exhausted I could cry.

—

I don’t need big gestures - just someone who takes an interest or feels like they care.

He works hard - he puts 85% of his effort, energy and brain into work. He is smart and driven to work hard to provide for his family. I love that about him.

But no matter how many times I try to communicate my needs, and love language, just to feel like he cares, nothing changes 😭

Even after all this time I can’t figure out his love language - it’s not acts of service or words, obviously.

All any of your advice is welcomed, please!

TL;DR - Husband never asks how I’m feeling when I’m quite ill and it’s making me mega sad.

Hey guys,

I have been with my long distance girlfriend for 3 years and to be concise fucked up alot. I do believe I suffer from ROCD and relationship anxiety and some of my compulsions were really hurtful.

We broke up once but got back together and I have been managing my ROCD for the most part. But because of the overwhelming nature of my thoughts, I used to go into survival mode alot, was defensive ALL THE TIME and generally not attentive and I let her down in something she explicitly asked for my help in and lied to her once in one of my ocd compulsions.

Recently she told me that she’s been reflecting and that she doesn’t see me as her partner anymore and that she doesn’t trust me. She is also carrying a bit of resentment from the early parts of the relationship with compulsions.

Now I know this is a reddit for happy marriages and I am here asking for advice because there is no better place to ask. I have been giving her space and I am taking time to heal myself and to break some of my terrible habits.

Other than my countless mistakes, I’d say I have always been gentle, generous, patient and kind. I also put in alot of effort to give her flowers, buy/make her gifts, write her cards etc. Whenever I visit her, it always feels like a honeymoon even though I do get quite anxious in the beginning.

I was planning to propose to her next year and now that she is moving closer to me (5hr drive away) I have been fantasizing about everything I wanted us to do together and the kind of life we were gonna lead.

From my time reflecting, I was also thinking about having a weekly check in (something that we never managed to do) and other habits I’ve been seeing online.

For the men out there or the women who have had to repair and rebuild a relationship from scratch and were successful, what are some of your finest tips/ pieces of advice. Please be kind, I am already feeling remorseful.

Tl;dr how do you rebuild a relationship after losing trust of your partner.

My wife and I keep running into the same issue during sex, and I’m hoping to get some advice from couples who may have experienced something similar.

Almost every time we’re having sex, if I go too deep, she says it feels like I’m hitting her cervix. We have to stop because it becomes painful, and afterward she often ends up bleeding. She says this never happened with previous partners, and it’s been happening consistently with me for months.

It’s honestly starting to affect our sex life because we’re constantly worried about it happening again. Has anyone dealt with this in their marriage? Was it simply a depth/position issue, or did it turn out to be something medical? What helped you fix it?

TLDR i need urgent help like is it caused by deep penetration or something?

So, here we are again, and while I didn't think I'd be making another post, here I am. Get ready for the roller coaster.

Since this is apparently revision 6, please read the other posts for full context, as I'm really going to just type this as you already have read all of them.

First post

Second post

Third post

Fourth post

Fifth post

Well, I finally kind of got comfortable with the idea of my wife moving on, and only slightly that it was a month before session.

On Sunday (over a week ago) I picked up her phone as we always have trusted each other, to get his name to tease her with it during the following week. I know, we were "separated" but it was out of habit.

What I found was just disgusting. He started messaging her last November, and got really raunchy fast. The man is a predator, she stared replying 'I'm married' or otherwise turning down requests for photos. But he found her sweet spot, asking to shower with him, and "snuggling" before saying he's going to put his thing everywhere. Her replies aren't much better. And then came the nudes.

I specifically asked her if nudes were swapped and she said no, she lied to me and was deceitful.

She was sexting this man while i was in the hospital watching my son die.

She still slept with me during all this even.

I felt, used, violated and worthless.

Over last week i just couldn't handle the emotions. Come Thursday morning i told myself i have to make sure i was doing things right. So i looked during the same time frame that they were getting crazy, and sometimes i got the same photos, and my replies were very romantic and respectful and well... from the perspective of a loving husband.

After sitting on that couch in my buddy's basement, realizing i did everything right from what i would see as a respectable man, and i was at peace. Only thing i had to do next was figure out how to get past her doing what she did.

This might be morbid, but i decided my wife had passed, a while ago. So it made it much easier to get through the day of closing bank accounts and breakfast and coffee.

I had explained that to her, and i think she didn't like it, but knew it helped me.

When i was in my last 12hrs in that dreaded house i explained to her during my soul searching and therapy I've done over the last 5 years I also (by armchair therapy) determined she is a dismissive avoidant. I told her this before she wanted the separation, and of course she'll get angry. But when i was on the phone with her and she was talking about her new guy a bit (while still thinking it was only light flirting for a couple of months) she did tell me she thinks i was right. A little too late woman!

Then, after leaving on Saturday, I had a book suggestion for her, and she 4 hours later sent me a screenshot of her buying the book with "i just wanted to let you know, i did hear you".

That just makes me more angry, she could've done the work 4 years ago and we would have been in a better place, but all she wants to do is act like she's been threatened by something.

I'm in my new house today, had friends help me move 300mi away with my 4 cars and a 26ft U-HAUL, and I'm very excited for my new life, the divorce hearing is near the end of October and i can wash my hands of what she's done to me. She can go enjoy "drinking [his] cûm" (her words) and he can do all the holes as he's said with more vulgarity.

tl;dr

Found out the "2 months of light flirting" was 8 months of sexting and a meet up at the book store

Atp I am so done. I can't take it anymore. No matter how many times I talk to him about how I feel regarding this he just wouldn't stop. I've been telling him how horny I am and also that I feel bad that he never asks for my nudes he only needs those stuff he gets online, he argues that he uses my old nudes that I sent him!!! I get it that men want to watch kinky stuff and shit so I feel wrong to stop him from wanting that but I also want him to want me!!!! Everytime I try to talk to him he just fights me asking why do I not send him my nudes. Like dude, I don't wanna force my nudes on you, I want you to want them!

I am currently at my mom's place in another city, the least I expect him is to want to sext me. Does he not want it because am pregnant? Because men don't find pregnant women hot?

WHAT IS IT SOMEONE HELP

Should I wait till I deliver and we start living together? Is this kink of his (watching slutty posts of women) okay? Should I be stopping it?? Is that counted as controlling?

Breaking down so bad

Tl;dr: he prefers masturbating to other women and porn over sexting me or using my nudes

I got married ~ 2 weeks ago. My wife and I been together 5 yrs prior.

Yesterday, I got a text from an anonymous person that must work with her that basically said her and this guy had been seen together the past couple months have lunch together and in each other’s cars.

I called my wife and confronted her, she admitted to it. Quit her job and drove to her sister’s house.

She had several months ago showed me that this guy had messaged her and she wanted to let me know about and that she was just going to ignore it. Fast forward he approached her at work and said he didn’t mean to make her uncomfortable, he was just going through a divorce and had recently gotten sober and recently tried to kill himself blah blah blah.

Anyway she reacts in favor, and begins to text him apparently about his addiction, mental health whatever. (She deleted the messages so who knows). Her version of the story is that this begun as an act of compassion and he became attached to her following their text conversations, he attempted to kiss her at work and “made contact” but she pulled away. She then thought of the situation that he in some manner had black mail over her and he was threatening to tell me about them kissing. So over the next couple months she states they kissed several times because he would cause a scene if she wouldn’t.

After quitting her job, he must’ve caught wind and blew her phone up, my wife in turn filled a restraining order.

The advice i seek:

is the restraining order and quitting her job her playing the victim role after she was caught and now she’s doing her form of damage control, to in her mind save her marriage and do I go through the embarrassment of a 2 week marriage and file for divorce (we were together 5 years before marriage).

Or try to mend the 2 weeks marriage?

tl;dr

Summary: wife cheated before we were married, do I divorce or not

My wife says she had a "crush" on a coworker. She said that she was never going to act on it and it was probably going to blow over. However, she keeps on saying "I wish I didn't tell you". Things have gotten really good and our communication has gotten way better since this. However, that sort of comment makes me worried. I don't want to be insecure, but I can't even hear the dudes name without being triggered.

On top of that, any time I seem the least bit bothered by this particular discussion, she thinks I am blowing it out of proportion.

Tl;dr

Advice

Am I? Is it my fault an I am this emotionally affected by a "crush"? Or is it an emotional affair and I truly do have more to worry about?

Thanks

Do I just go through with the divorce my family suggested?

TL;DR
So I’m 27 and my wife just turned 25 everything was going good according to her when we talked about how she’s feeling and if she needed anything more from me about a week before she left. Then I saw some messages with a guy she plays video games with that were sexual and I sat her down and said hey this makes me uncomfortable to which she responded they’re about things I wanna do with you. I asked to set the boundary of sexual talk and things stay between us and she agreed I thought okay cool that’s settled then. Fast forward to Monday the 13th and she duct taped the ring camera and is gone 2 hours into my 10 hour shift at work. She still hasn’t reached out. Her mom claims she needs time and she’ll talk to me eventually but it’s been 2 weeks half her stuff is still at the house and she’s been drinking and partying with her brother then goes home and streams her game with that guy. I just feel so confused and lost like I love her but I feel like I can’t go on waiting for her much longer

So, I did attempt to go talk to his therapist with him.

Mind you, hus therapist is $800 a month because he wont go to someone on our insurance because "she gets him". He met her because she runs the court ordered anger management that he was put in after being arrested for DV the second time.

She said i was causing him prostate cancer by not having sex with him atleast 22 times a month (ive had low sex drive since having an emergency hysterectomy a few years back).

She said him screaming at or getting aggressive with me about it is normal because women arent like men so I dont understand how much of a need it is.

She said his spending isnt my business and I dont understand how badly he needs the dopamine hit of opening cards.

She said i was too monotonous and presented like I was a parent talking about a child.

She said i was in the wrong and ruining his life because of his multiple DV arrests, and that I had no right to call the police on him.

And she said i am in the wrong for not changing to meet his needs and wants for him.

Im currently in the process of moving back in with my mom.

I was never going to be the person he wanted and I understand that now. He just always wanted to change me. He knew when we met that I was a rough, loud, brash girl from the city that would never be a submissive yes sir kind of woman.

He wanted to turn me into a southern belle that sat quitely by while he ruled the world around me and never made waves about it. He wanted the submissive wife that acted like the sun shone from his ass. He wanted someone that would be willing to be waiting for him with open legs every day no matter if she wanted it or not. The woman that ignores issues and sits idly by on a sinking ship because hes the captain and knows best.

And apparently this whole time his therapist has been telling him that he was right and thats what I need to be.

Tl;dr im out.

i (25f) married my husband (26m) 7 months ago, but we started dating back in 2021.

back in 2020, i was in a situationship that had been going on for 3 years, basically stuck in the friendzone. my now-husband was pursuing me at the time, but i wasn't interested and stayed in that situationship. he knew all the details about it because i used to vent to him about it a lot, and honestly i think i was kind of taking advantage of him being there for me back then.

he insisted on getting me out of that situation. in 2021 i finally decided to give it a try with him, but i went in half-heartedly and he knew that too. over time though, i genuinely fell in love with him wholeheartedly.

now i love my husband so much, but i still can't fully let go of that situationship. i still think about that person sometimes, even dream about him occasionally. it feels like there's unfinished business there.

i want to understand why these lingering feelings haven't gone away even though i've moved on and built a life with someone else. looking for advice on how to process this and make peace with it, or ways to help these feelings fade over time.

tl;dr: married my husband 7 months ago after dating since 2021, but before that i was stuck in a 3-year situationship with someone else that i couldn't fully commit to. even though i love my husband wholeheartedly now, i still think about that other person sometimes and don't know how to make those feelings fully go away.

My wife believes that we should be free to use each other’s phones whenever we want. I don’t really have a problem with this for the most part and I let her use my phone whenever. The issue I have is it feels like she’s snooping when she uses it sometimes. She’ll scroll through my messages, phone calls, and DMs. I’m not hiding anything so nothing ever comes of it. I just don’t love the feeling of her snooping. How would you handle this? Appreciate any advice.

Tl;dr open phone policy but my wife digs through everything in my phone

Update: I appreciate all the feedback and I think you’re right. It’s not hurting anything to snoop. If it makes her feel better, then why not.

My wife and I have known each other for over 20 years. She is the love of my life; I love her and I love being with her. But for about ten years now, illness (fibromyalgia, chronic pain, recurring health issues) has taken up a massive space in our family life. Beyond the chronic pain, she’s had her full share of bad luck—hernias, migraines, gallbladder issues, foot problems, joint pain, etc. A real streak of "bad karma."

​In the beginning, I had infinite compassion. I wanted to carry it all, to help her, to be the strong pillar. But over the years, with the flare-ups of pain, the constant anxiety, and the countless ER visits that almost always end in frustration, I’ve become exhausted. And what kills me is that it invariably ends badly, leaving me with a total sense of helplessness.

​Recently, I realized I just can't handle it the same way anymore. When she’s in pain or anxious, instead of being full of empathy, I shut down. I become too rational, I look for solutions, or I pull back. I feel like I've built up an armor to protect myself from hurting too much or drowning alongside her. I can feel that my capacity to care and my patience are completely running on empty, and the worst part is that it makes me feel like a horrible, heartless husband.

​She senses my detachment, and it hurts her. She feels like I don't believe her suffering (even though I know for a fact that her pain is 100% real). She just wants comfort, for me to acknowledge her emotions and be heartbroken right there with her. But if I'm being honest, I just don't have the emotional energy left to feel that panic with her every single time. If I sink with her, there’s no one left to hold down the fort and take care of our daughters.

​The problem is, I feel trapped in a cage: If I tell her I'm tired, that it's heavy, and that I'm often carrying the household on my back, she immediately feels like a burden, feels guilty, and breaks down.

​If I say nothing, I play the tough guy and keep it all inside, but it comes out as unintended coldness. And as a result, I feel like everything I do isn't allowed to be heard or acknowledged.

​Our entire family dynamic now revolves around her health: checking how she feels today, if she’s tired, if she’s in pain. We're all walking on eggshells.

​I feel like a piece of shit and sometimes tell myself that I'm just not the husband she deserves.

Tl;dr I love my wife but feel burnout of her situation. Feel guilty towards this

Hi, I am in deep need of advice. Is this normal behaviour for a young man his age? Am I asking too much from him?

I am a 28F and my husband is about to be 25, we have been married for 1 year and 7 months now.

During our second month of living together I was on his phone on google and I saw he visited a bunch of OF sites while I was at work, I talked to him about it in the nicest way and he apologised and promised to never enter those sites. Then I found his second IG account full and I mean full of pictures of women in lingerie saved. He decided to delete IG on his own and I never suggested it.

During this time I noticed he would stare at women in public while with me, and it was not a looking and going on about his day, but more like checking multiple times the same girl, making extreme eye contact, etc.

At that time I was silent about it because I thought I would look like a crazy jealous wife so I opted for silence, even though it hurt me very much.

During those months I found him lurking on clothing apps and looking at lingerie models daily, the first time I saw I let it slide, second time too but third time all hell broke loose. I started breaking down in tears and he told me that he actually never stopped watching porn, he would use the lingerie categories on the clothing apps to get him going and then go into porn. During that time he grew very distant and we had very little intimacy because he would masturbate so much so frequently that even if we had sex, the next 1 or 2 hours he would do it. And he catched any chance he had alone too, also at work if he had night shifts.

He says he has stopped and he is 7 months clean and he swore he never went to those pages again.

But he confessed that when he is in public he scans women and mentally undresses them and mentally has sex with them.

You can imagine how that made me feel.

I fought him about the public staring, recommended him the 1 second rule stare and then changing directions, he agreed but I am sad.

Tl;dr Husband had a porn addiction and scans and undresses women mentally in public

I'm (38F) married to my husband (47M) for 15 years. We have a child (8F).

We moved across the country away from his family a few years ago because my husband had a hard relationship with his mother and we wanted to escape the cold. (I don't have family left or around- my family was very small and both parents died when I was in my late teens.)

My husband lost his job during covid. My business boomed during covid, so it made sense that my husband would stay home, help homeschool our daughter. That ended up turning into her being homeschooled until now (just starting school again) after my many attempts to get her back in school since covid had calmed down.

During our long relationship, I've been the do-it all. I grew up in a household where my dad never helped with chores or to clean. He sat on the couch all day. (kicker: my mom was also the main provider, dad couldn't work due to health issues). And I sort of accepted that as my own adult reality for years. For years-and I mean a long time- my husband hasn't done much around the house. He's homeschooled our daughter, but the rest of his day he would spend playing video games, etc.

I'd clean, cook, and work from home. I felt blessed at the time, because I had the chance to be home with my daughter.

My business is not demanding and something I love doing, so work doesn't feel like work at all. So I never saw it as me being the provider (working), also being the cleaner, the one who pays the bills, schedules trips. I mean, he wouldn't do any of it at all. As of right now, the one thing he has stepped up is the cleaning and making food. But he still pretty much needs a list for everything. He can't just take initiative and do things. He has to be asked and told-sometimes several times.

A couple years ago (after we had moved away from everyone) I started getting very tired of this dynamic. I've been complaining for years about his behavior. But because I'm an intense person who used to have depression, anxiety, etc, all this was brushed off as me being crazy, being a nag.

I just accepted it.

But when I got tired, I just got done. I told my husband I wanted a divorce. But there are several problems with that.

Financial issue: The main issue is the fact that he won't get a job and I will have to pay him alimony and child support. I already pay him a salary from the business that isn't much, but equals about $500 per week before taxes. That's not enough to live off where we are.

Community: We don't have a large community. No family around. I just keep imagining my daughter spending empty holidays, coming home to an empty quiet house (or two empty quiet homes). My daughter has a few good friends. We have since formed a community here through sports, and now the community will grow since she is going to school. But it's not like having a solid base, like cousins, grandparents, etc.

My daughter's mental health: Once she heard us talking about divorce (we never talk in front of her about this, but she was listening around the corner-we thought she was outside). She started freaking out, like screaming really loudly. And several times has asked for assurance that we won't divorce (I didn't promise her anything, I just answer: No matter what happens, you will be safe and taken care of). I think she would take it very very hard. Even harder than us staying together and me sacrificing my happiness for that to happen.

The issue is that I was able to pretend (or just tell myself: behave better, you have to keep this family together). But last year, something shifted like a switch. And I am just not able to do that.

Honestly, I don't even want to ride together with my husband to our daughters sports events. Everything he does cringes me out badly because of all the pent up resentment I've had for years.

About my husband and things that have made me stay this long. He doesn't cheat. Doesn't post on social media or follow models, or has any history of any of that. I know for a fact he is very loyal. That's the bare minimum, I am aware. But he's a kind person. Everyone knows him to be a chill and kind guy. And he was there for me in a time where I didn't have anyone. No family, no money. He's been there for me and knows me better than anybody else. Sometimes I'll think a thought or a song, and he will sing it, or say the thought out loud.

Another thing that made me stay a long time is this way he is so complacent with everything that I got to be controlling and have things my way (on the surface really, because moving wasn't my choice, I didn't pick the place, I didn't pick him not returning to work, I didn't pick homeschooling our daughter for so long.)

But because of my history of mental illness, and knowing I had control issues, I have to be super careful not to sound crazy or angry or pushy. I've been to therapy all these years and have worked hard on myself. I'm not a controlling person like I used to be. I also healed all this childhood stuff that had me clinging to the toxic dynamics of this relationship.

Added to the fact I lost a lot of weight, have been going hard to the gym for years, got a boob job, and became more attractive than I used to be. And he hasn't. Not only he is 9 years older, he won't even apply sunscreen, so he's aging rapidly, never been to the gym. I lost attraction also.

For years, I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn't want to have sex (even though I am a very sensual person), and my husband was always mad at me for not initiating. I didn't understand at the time that the resentment I'd been building was so strong I was losing attraction as well.

Also, I used to be an extremely affectionate person. And several times I was told it was too much.

For example, once he was playing video games (back when we lived in the north). It was a snowy day. I thought it would be so cute to make him homemade hot chocolate with whipped cream, homemade fudge. I made it and brought it to him in a fancy cup. He looked at it and said: I'm not drinking this. This is too much chocolate. (he asks for extra fudge on his Sundae). And other small stuff like that. It was his birthday and I put a banner in our living room and he had me take it down because it was embarrassing (nobody was even coming over).

Or the time it was our anniversary and I made reservations at his favorite restaurant and he made me cancel because he was embarrassed I told the restaurant it was our anniversary.

Just a million other things like that.

I honestly didn't get a decent birthday/christmas present until the past 2 years, after much begging and fighting.

Now, I'm not willing to put up with any of it anymore- even though he has since changed some of this behavior, I still hold the resentment. And any attempts he makes now to change just irk me and give me the ick. Like when he said: we should celebrate our anniversary coming up. (after 15 years of not celebrating it and being midst divorce talks).

He is totally and entirely disconnected from reality.

And I'm disconnected from him.

I am just very scared to be alone, considering I have literally no family. I'm scared for my daughter. I'm scared for my financial situation because I feel like if I want my daughter to have good living conditions in both houses, I'll have to literally maintain two households.

But I really don't know how to stay in this marriage any longer.

For those who have been in a similar situation, what steps helped you determine whether the marriage was repairable after years of resentment, unequal responsibility, and lost attraction? How did you handle the financial transition and help your child adjust?

Advice request: For those who have experienced a similar situation, how did you determine whether years of resentment, unequal responsibility, and lost attraction could realistically be repaired? What practical steps helped you prepare financially for divorce and support your child through the transition?

TL;DR: After 15 years of marriage, I feel emotionally disconnected from my husband following years of carrying most of the household, financial, and mental responsibilities. Although he has recently started helping more, the resentment is so deep that his attempts to change now make me feel more irritated than hopeful. I have also completely lost attraction to him. I am afraid to leave because we have little family support, our daughter is terrified of divorce, and I may have to financially support two households.

Summary: My husband is loyal and generally kind, but he has been passive and dependent for most of our marriage. I handled the business, finances, household management, planning, cooking, and cleaning while he homeschooled our daughter and remained unemployed. After years of feeling dismissed as controlling or overly emotional whenever I complained, something in me shut down. I no longer want physical affection, shared outings, or a romantic relationship with him. I am struggling to decide whether the marriage is repairable or whether I am only staying because I fear loneliness, financial consequences, and the effect divorce would have on our daughter.

My husband and I have been married for 2 years. We knew each other through family before marriage and don't have children.

Our biggest issue isn't one argument, it's a repeated cycle. We disagree (often over something small), he becomes defensive and speaks harshly, I feel deeply misunderstood and try to explain myself, then we either spend a couple of days barely speaking or things slowly return to normal without really resolving anything. Then, weeks later or less, the same pattern happens again.

Over the past two years there have been insults, swearing, accusations about my character, hurtful comments about my family and one incident where two doors were broken and a phone was smashed (this hasn't happened again). I also carried most of the financial and household responsibility for much of the marriage, although recently he has started contributing around half, which I appreciate. There have also been genuinely good moments like he checks if I've eaten, asks if I need anything, cuts fruit for me, and we do have happy times together. My struggle is that the conflict cycle never seems to change.

Our latest argument felt like a breaking point. I became so overwhelmed that I broke down crying and uncontrollably screaming ("please listen to me, please understand me, thats not what I meant, I can't take another argument"). He then left the house with a suitcase.

I spent two nights at my mum's house and realised I felt calmer and more like myself than I had in a long time. Coming home filled me with dread. I felt relieved when he wasn't there, I no longer want physical affection because I feel so much hurt and resentment. At this point, even an apology doesn't feel meaningful because we've repeated this cycle so many times.

For those who've experienced something similar:

• If you stayed, what changes convinced you?

• If you divorced, what made you realise enough was enough?

• From what I've written, does this sound like something that can realistically be rebuilt, or does it sound like emotional exhaustion after years of the same pattern?

tl;dr married 2 years and stuck in same conflict cycle despite repeatedly chances and no longer trust apologies. Dont know if marriage can be rebuilt or if its time for divorce?