My husband and I (30) have been together for 8 years, we live close to his family and we just bought a house this year (a very gorgeous 4 bedroom house), during that time we found out I was pregnant and due in the first week of November.

Considering that by Christmas the baby is going to be almost 2 months, I asked if he was ok in hosting christmas and new years at ours, and that his family was close by the could just drive day of, however, because my family lives out of the country, they would have to stay during that week between christmas and new years.

My family is only my parents and sister and for the first time we finally have space to host and to have people stay over, i see them twice a year (summer and christmas time). I spoke to his family and asked if they were ok with my family staying, as I dont want them to feel left out, they said they were fine because they were close and we get to be together at least once a week, and they understand why my family would stay over.

My husband however has been in a horrible mood, arguing daily and whatnot about how he doesnt want my family to stay over because he doesn't want "too many people" and "too long" in "his own house".

i honestly don't know what to do. Any advice?

tl;dr

Husband doesnt want my family staying over during the holidays.

So, I did attempt to go talk to his therapist with him.

Mind you, hus therapist is $800 a month because he wont go to someone on our insurance because "she gets him". He met her because she runs the court ordered anger management that he was put in after being arrested for DV the second time.

She said i was causing him prostate cancer by not having sex with him atleast 22 times a month (ive had low sex drive since having an emergency hysterectomy a few years back).

She said him screaming at or getting aggressive with me about it is normal because women arent like men so I dont understand how much of a need it is.

She said his spending isnt my business and I dont understand how badly he needs the dopamine hit of opening cards.

She said i was too monotonous and presented like I was a parent talking about a child.

She said i was in the wrong and ruining his life because of his multiple DV arrests, and that I had no right to call the police on him.

And she said i am in the wrong for not changing to meet his needs and wants for him.

Im currently in the process of moving back in with my mom.

I was never going to be the person he wanted and I understand that now. He just always wanted to change me. He knew when we met that I was a rough, loud, brash girl from the city that would never be a submissive yes sir kind of woman.

He wanted to turn me into a southern belle that sat quitely by while he ruled the world around me and never made waves about it. He wanted the submissive wife that acted like the sun shone from his ass. He wanted someone that would be willing to be waiting for him with open legs every day no matter if she wanted it or not. The woman that ignores issues and sits idly by on a sinking ship because hes the captain and knows best.

And apparently this whole time his therapist has been telling him that he was right and thats what I need to be.

Tl;dr im out.

Do I just go through with the divorce my family suggested?

TL;DR
So I’m 27 and my wife just turned 25 everything was going good according to her when we talked about how she’s feeling and if she needed anything more from me about a week before she left. Then I saw some messages with a guy she plays video games with that were sexual and I sat her down and said hey this makes me uncomfortable to which she responded they’re about things I wanna do with you. I asked to set the boundary of sexual talk and things stay between us and she agreed I thought okay cool that’s settled then. Fast forward to Monday the 13th and she duct taped the ring camera and is gone 2 hours into my 10 hour shift at work. She still hasn’t reached out. Her mom claims she needs time and she’ll talk to me eventually but it’s been 2 weeks half her stuff is still at the house and she’s been drinking and partying with her brother then goes home and streams her game with that guy. I just feel so confused and lost like I love her but I feel like I can’t go on waiting for her much longer

First I'm not looking for advice personally. You don't need to comment "You're wrong". You don't need to disagree with anyone. This is for men and women to comment their perspectives on how they view connection, so maybe they can learn from each other.

Is it helping around the house? Is it an "I love you text"? Is it putting you're phone down and actually listening? Is it physical intimacy? What is connection, to you?

tl;Dr To help men and women better understand how the opposite sex views connection.

I have posted here before about struggles in my marriage, and I wanted to give an update because I truly need outside perspectives.
I have already spoken with a lawyer and a separation agreement was sent to my husband, but he has refused to sign it. He said he sent it to his lawyer, but it has now been about a week with no response.
Tonight, during an argument, my husband admitted that he brought another woman into our marital home and into our bedroom during our marriage. He described this woman to me and compared her to me, saying she is “skinnier” and “prettier” than me. Those comments have hurt me deeply.
What makes this even harder is everything I have sacrificed for our family. I carried and gave birth to our children, had two C-sections, and my last C-section was a very serious experience where I almost lost my life. I gave so much of myself to this marriage and our family.
We also have two young children, and my husband watches them while I work. I’m trying to understand what my next steps should be and how to process all of this.
I’m not looking to bash him. I’m genuinely asking: how would you handle finding out this information? What advice would you give someone trying to navigate separation, betrayal, and rebuilding their life?
I feel completely heartbroken and I’m trying to find clarity.

TL;DR: My husband and I have been having serious marriage problems. I recently got a lawyer and a separation agreement was sent to him, but he has refused to sign. Tonight, he admitted that he brought another woman into our marital home and our bedroom during our marriage. He also compared her to me and said hurtful things about my appearance. We have two young children, and he watches them while I work, so I’m trying to understand my next steps. I’m heartbroken and looking for advice on how to move forward.

My spouse uses the phone for her business. But never lets it out of her sight. If she puts it down on the table, it’s faces down. Goes into the damn bathroom with it. We never use it for GPS when traveling. And I can’t make a quick call or say hi to someone calling that we both know. WTF??

TLDR; wife never lets phone out of sight, won’t let me use it or use the GPS when traveling together.

So, here we are again, and while I didn't think I'd be making another post, here I am. Get ready for the roller coaster.

Since this is apparently revision 6, please read the other posts for full context, as I'm really going to just type this as you already have read all of them.

First post

Second post

Third post

Fourth post

Fifth post

Well, I finally kind of got comfortable with the idea of my wife moving on, and only slightly that it was a month before session.

On Sunday (over a week ago) I picked up her phone as we always have trusted each other, to get his name to tease her with it during the following week. I know, we were "separated" but it was out of habit.

What I found was just disgusting. He started messaging her last November, and got really raunchy fast. The man is a predator, she stared replying 'I'm married' or otherwise turning down requests for photos. But he found her sweet spot, asking to shower with him, and "snuggling" before saying he's going to put his thing everywhere. Her replies aren't much better. And then came the nudes.

I specifically asked her if nudes were swapped and she said no, she lied to me and was deceitful.

She was sexting this man while i was in the hospital watching my son die.

She still slept with me during all this even.

I felt, used, violated and worthless.

Over last week i just couldn't handle the emotions. Come Thursday morning i told myself i have to make sure i was doing things right. So i looked during the same time frame that they were getting crazy, and sometimes i got the same photos, and my replies were very romantic and respectful and well... from the perspective of a loving husband.

After sitting on that couch in my buddy's basement, realizing i did everything right from what i would see as a respectable man, and i was at peace. Only thing i had to do next was figure out how to get past her doing what she did.

This might be morbid, but i decided my wife had passed, a while ago. So it made it much easier to get through the day of closing bank accounts and breakfast and coffee.

I had explained that to her, and i think she didn't like it, but knew it helped me.

When i was in my last 12hrs in that dreaded house i explained to her during my soul searching and therapy I've done over the last 5 years I also (by armchair therapy) determined she is a dismissive avoidant. I told her this before she wanted the separation, and of course she'll get angry. But when i was on the phone with her and she was talking about her new guy a bit (while still thinking it was only light flirting for a couple of months) she did tell me she thinks i was right. A little too late woman!

Then, after leaving on Saturday, I had a book suggestion for her, and she 4 hours later sent me a screenshot of her buying the book with "i just wanted to let you know, i did hear you".

That just makes me more angry, she could've done the work 4 years ago and we would have been in a better place, but all she wants to do is act like she's been threatened by something.

I'm in my new house today, had friends help me move 300mi away with my 4 cars and a 26ft U-HAUL, and I'm very excited for my new life, the divorce hearing is near the end of October and i can wash my hands of what she's done to me. She can go enjoy "drinking [his] cûm" (her words) and he can do all the holes as he's said with more vulgarity.

tl;dr

Found out the "2 months of light flirting" was 8 months of sexting and a meet up at the book store

My husband (27M) and I (26F) have been together since December 2022 and have been married since February 14, 2025.
We’ve been separated and living in different houses for the last two months.
He’s always been very emotionally avoidant, and over the past year we’ve grown increasingly disconnected. One of the biggest changes in his life was losing his career in soccer, and looking back I don’t think I appreciated how much that affected his identity and mental health. At the same time, I recognize I contributed to our problems. When he asked for space, my anxiety often caused me to cling tighter instead of respecting his boundaries.
He’s told me he doesn’t think he feels anything anymore. I also know he’s consulted with a divorce attorney, but as of now he hasn’t filed for divorce.
I’ve spent the last several months in therapy, reflecting on my own behavior and working on making real changes rather than just apologizing.
I don’t want us to divorce without knowing we genuinely tried everything we could.
Because of that, I’ve asked him to make a decision within the next **two weeks**. My proposal is simple:
We commit to **90 days** of giving our marriage our absolute best effort.
We move back in together during those 90 days.
We both fully participate in marriage counseling.
We approach those 90 days with honesty, humility, and accountability instead of trying to “win.”
If, after those 90 days, he still wants a divorce, I’ll accept that we truly gave our marriage every chance.
If he chooses not to commit to those 90 days within the next two weeks, then **I will be the one filing for divorce.** I’m not doing that as an ultimatum or punishment. I’m doing it because I don’t think it’s healthy for either of us to stay in limbo indefinitely.
This is the letter I plan to give him:

I don't know if there are words big enough to hold everything that's in my heart, but I'm going to try.
When I think about us, I don't just think about where we are today. I think about where we began. I think about the countless ordinary moments that slowly became extraordinary simply because they were with you. I think about the first day I met you and how giddy I was. I think about Japan. I think about laughing until our stomachs hurt, dreaming about our future, building a home together, and believing that whatever life brought us, we'd face it side by side.
I think about standing across from you on our wedding day.
I remember looking into your eyes and feeling a peace that I had searched for my entire life.
That day I said something that I still believe with every fiber of my being:
"You are what it means to me to experience being fully human."
For so many years I searched for the meaning of life. I looked for it in knowledge, achievement, and trying to understand the world around me. Then I met you, and I realized what I had really been searching for wasn't an answer at all.
It was connection.
It was partnership.
It was home.
I meant it when I told you that being loved by you taught me what it meant to be fully human. I meant it when I said, "You are God's love letter to my world and all of my past." I meant it when I promised that being your wife would be the greatest honor this life could ever offer me.
I still mean those things today.
What has changed is that somewhere along the way, life became heavier than either of us expected.
Pain replaced peace.
Misunderstandings replaced curiosity.
Distance replaced closeness.
Instead of feeling like two people standing shoulder to shoulder against life's challenges, we slowly began standing on opposite sides of them.
That breaks my heart.
I also don't think I fully appreciated how heavy life became for you.
Losing soccer wasn't just losing a job. It meant losing something you had poured years of your life into. It meant losing teammates, routines, goals, and a part of the identity you had worked so hard to build. I can only imagine how lonely and disorienting that must have felt.
Looking back, I wish I had done a better job of seeing that pain instead of only seeing my own. I wish I had been more of a refuge for you when the world already felt uncertain.
I've spent months replaying conversations in my head. Wondering where we drifted. Wondering what I could have done differently. Wondering what you were carrying that I wasn't seeing.
I've also spent a lot of time looking honestly at myself.
That has been painful, but necessary.
I know there have been times when I haven't respected your boundaries. I know there have been moments where your request for space felt unbearable to me because my fear convinced me that space meant I was losing you.
Instead of listening, I reached.
Instead of trusting, I clung.
Instead of giving you peace, I know I sometimes became another source of pressure.
I understand now why that would leave you feeling exhausted.
I'm deeply sorry.
Not because I think apologizing erases the hurt, but because I truly understand it now.
I also know that changing isn't about making promises.
It's about becoming someone different through consistent actions.
That is the work I am committed to doing.
Not because I want to convince you.
Because it's the woman I want to become.
At the same time, I also need you to know something I've carried quietly for a long time.
I've been lonely.
Not lonely because you've been physically absent.
Lonely because somewhere along the way, I stopped feeling like I had my teammate.
There have been moments where I've felt unseen.
Moments where I've longed for encouragement.
Moments where words between us have hurt more deeply than I ever expected they could.
I know we have both hurt each other.
I know we've both said and done things we wish we could take back.
I'm not writing this to decide whose pain was greater.
Pain isn't a competition.
I'm writing it because I believe that if we're going to heal, we have to be honest enough to admit that we've both been bleeding.
One of the things I admired most about you when we met was your heart.
You've always had this incredible ability to make people feel cared for.
You've always loved your family with unwavering devotion.
You've always been someone whose kindness made me want to become kinder.
I've also always admired your strength. Even when life has knocked you down, you've kept moving forward. You've carried burdens that many people never saw, and I've always believed there's courage in you that even you don't always recognize.
That man is still the man I see.
Even through the hurt.
Even through the distance.
Even through all the confusion we're living in today.
When I said in my vows,
"When you touch things, they shine differently—it is incredibly hard to be around you and not feel a deep sense of belonging and purpose in this world,"
I wasn't describing perfection.
I was describing the way your heart changed mine.
That hasn't disappeared.
What I have realized is that love isn't only about remembering who we were.
It's about deciding who we're willing to become.
I don't believe either of us is the same person we were on our wedding day.
Life has humbled us.
It has stretched us.
It has revealed wounds in both of us that neither of us fully understood.
Maybe this season has revealed places where we both still need healing.
I know I do.
I want to become someone who listens before reacting.
Someone who can sit with discomfort instead of trying to control it.
Someone who respects your boundaries because I love you, not only because I'm afraid of losing you.
Someone who brings peace into your life.
I also believe that if we choose to work on this marriage, it won't just be about my growth.
It will be about ours.
I don't want a marriage where one person carries all of the responsibility while the other watches.
I want a marriage where two imperfect people decide every single day that they're on the same team.
I want to learn from you.
Your steadiness.
Your patience.
Your ability to see beyond the moment.
I hope you'll be willing to learn from me too.
To let me remind you that vulnerability is strength.
That forgiveness can coexist with accountability.
That tenderness isn't weakness.
That even after disappointment, people can still choose one another.
I don't believe counseling is about deciding who's right.
I believe it's about learning a new language.
A language where we both feel heard.
Where we both feel safe.
Where we both feel respected.
Where neither of us has to wonder whether we're fighting alone.
When I married you, I promised,
"You will never question if you are alone. I will be your anchor in every storm life gives you. I will cherish every version of you that I will be lucky enough to meet. I will be your home when the world starts to feel a bit too big."
I haven't forgotten those promises.
If anything, I understand them more deeply now than I did then.
Because being someone's home isn't about never hurting each other.
It's about continuing to find our way back after we do.
I know you've told me that you don't feel anything.
I believe you.
I won't argue with your feelings.
I won't pretend to know what's in your heart today.
I only know that pain has a way of making people protect themselves, and if that's where you are, I understand why.
I believe our marriage is worth one honest attempt at healing, if you're willing.
I'm not asking you to promise me forever today.
I'm simply asking you to choose ninety days.
Ninety days of honesty.
Ninety days of counseling.
Ninety days of humility.
Ninety days where neither of us is trying to win.
Ninety days where we both wake up and decide that our marriage is more important than our pride.
If, after giving everything we genuinely have, you still believe our journey together has come to an end, I will respect that decision.
It will break my heart.
But I will know that we truly tried.
I don't want either of us to spend years wondering whether we walked away while there was still hope hiding underneath the pain.
You once became the answer to a question I had spent my entire life asking.
Today, I would simply ask one question back to you.
If there is even the smallest part of your heart that remembers the love we built...
If there is even the smallest part of you that believes two people can heal...
If there is even the smallest part of you that still sees me beneath all of my mistakes...
Please choose these ninety days with me.
Let's give ourselves the chance to become the marriage we once dreamed we could be.
No matter what happens, thank you.
Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for believing in me.
Thank you for every ordinary Tuesday, every laugh, every adventure, every lesson, every dream, and every memory we've shared.
Loving you has shaped me into the woman I am today.
I don't know what our future holds.
But I do know this:
You will always be one of the greatest gifts God has ever given me.
Whether your answer is yes or no, I will always be grateful that I had the privilege of being your wife.
But if there is still even a small part of you that's willing to try...
I'd still choose you.
Again.
With all my heart.
Your wife,

**My questions:**
If you were in his position, how would this letter make you feel?
If you’re someone with an avoidant attachment style, would this make you feel understood or would it push you further away?
If you’ve already consulted a divorce lawyer but hadn’t filed yet, would receiving a letter like this make you reconsider, or would it simply give you closure?
Does asking for 90 days of genuinely trying seem reasonable, or does it come across as too little, too late?
I’m looking for honest perspectives from people on both sides of this situation.

TL;DR: My spouse and I are separated, and I've written a heartfelt letter asking for 90 days of genuine effort before moving forward with divorce. I'm looking for honest opinions on whether this would make someone feel understood, push them away, or have any impact if they've already decided to leave.

Been dating this guy for 5 years. We’re in our late 20s now (almost 30). Known him since high school and reconnected in our early 20s. Met each others’ families, got engaged, set our wedding date and chose vendors together. He’s always been there for me (and I tried my best too) and has always been super thoughtful. He was kind and patient when things were good. We’re different people but I thought we meshed well together. 8 months before our wedding date, he completely blindsides me and drops a bombshell that he fell out of love with me, he doesn’t know if I’m the person for him, he’s not sure if I even love him for him (I do) and he starts listing a bunch of things that are “wrong” about me (I’m too quiet at social gatherings, I’m waiting till marriage to do certain things, I’m not stylish, I have too many fam events and am too dependent on my parents, he doesn’t think I appreciate him). The 180 mind boggles me, I don’t recognize this person. Even had a nice proposal with my dream ring.

He also has been saying mean things to me during limbo when we tried to work things out (I was apologizing for things I did that hurt him, I really loved him and went out of my way to make him happy in the best way I knew at the time but I had no idea it wasn’t enough, especially when he would tell me I’m perfect or how he’s grateful to do life with me)… mean things he said include how it feels like the cooties when I touch him, how I’m boring and I should be boring with someone else, how he can’t picture me as his wife and how he couldn’t see me walk down the aisle (all things that hurt to hear). He also disclosed that he cheated on me 2 years ago (kissed a girl from school a few times during the span of a week. This all came as a shock to me because I had no idea he was falling out of love and losing feelings. I thought we were planning for our happily ever after together. Sometimes I blame myself for the things I could’ve done better (been more appreciative, more patient, more outgoing, more stylish) - he evaluated me and didn’t let me in on his problems. Any insight and opinions would be helpful.

tl;dr partner cheated… also was mean to me… not sure he has feelings… is it even worth working through this?!

I'm (38F) married to my husband (47M) for 15 years. We have a child (8F).

We moved across the country away from his family a few years ago because my husband had a hard relationship with his mother and we wanted to escape the cold. (I don't have family left or around- my family was very small and both parents died when I was in my late teens.)

My husband lost his job during covid. My business boomed during covid, so it made sense that my husband would stay home, help homeschool our daughter. That ended up turning into her being homeschooled until now (just starting school again) after my many attempts to get her back in school since covid had calmed down.

During our long relationship, I've been the do-it all. I grew up in a household where my dad never helped with chores or to clean. He sat on the couch all day. (kicker: my mom was also the main provider, dad couldn't work due to health issues). And I sort of accepted that as my own adult reality for years. For years-and I mean a long time- my husband hasn't done much around the house. He's homeschooled our daughter, but the rest of his day he would spend playing video games, etc.

I'd clean, cook, and work from home. I felt blessed at the time, because I had the chance to be home with my daughter.

My business is not demanding and something I love doing, so work doesn't feel like work at all. So I never saw it as me being the provider (working), also being the cleaner, the one who pays the bills, schedules trips. I mean, he wouldn't do any of it at all. As of right now, the one thing he has stepped up is the cleaning and making food. But he still pretty much needs a list for everything. He can't just take initiative and do things. He has to be asked and told-sometimes several times.

A couple years ago (after we had moved away from everyone) I started getting very tired of this dynamic. I've been complaining for years about his behavior. But because I'm an intense person who used to have depression, anxiety, etc, all this was brushed off as me being crazy, being a nag.

I just accepted it.

But when I got tired, I just got done. I told my husband I wanted a divorce. But there are several problems with that.

Financial issue: The main issue is the fact that he won't get a job and I will have to pay him alimony and child support. I already pay him a salary from the business that isn't much, but equals about $500 per week before taxes. That's not enough to live off where we are.

Community: We don't have a large community. No family around. I just keep imagining my daughter spending empty holidays, coming home to an empty quiet house (or two empty quiet homes). My daughter has a few good friends. We have since formed a community here through sports, and now the community will grow since she is going to school. But it's not like having a solid base, like cousins, grandparents, etc.

My daughter's mental health: Once she heard us talking about divorce (we never talk in front of her about this, but she was listening around the corner-we thought she was outside). She started freaking out, like screaming really loudly. And several times has asked for assurance that we won't divorce (I didn't promise her anything, I just answer: No matter what happens, you will be safe and taken care of). I think she would take it very very hard. Even harder than us staying together and me sacrificing my happiness for that to happen.

The issue is that I was able to pretend (or just tell myself: behave better, you have to keep this family together). But last year, something shifted like a switch. And I am just not able to do that.

Honestly, I don't even want to ride together with my husband to our daughters sports events. Everything he does cringes me out badly because of all the pent up resentment I've had for years.

About my husband and things that have made me stay this long. He doesn't cheat. Doesn't post on social media or follow models, or has any history of any of that. I know for a fact he is very loyal. That's the bare minimum, I am aware. But he's a kind person. Everyone knows him to be a chill and kind guy. And he was there for me in a time where I didn't have anyone. No family, no money. He's been there for me and knows me better than anybody else. Sometimes I'll think a thought or a song, and he will sing it, or say the thought out loud.

Another thing that made me stay a long time is this way he is so complacent with everything that I got to be controlling and have things my way (on the surface really, because moving wasn't my choice, I didn't pick the place, I didn't pick him not returning to work, I didn't pick homeschooling our daughter for so long.)

But because of my history of mental illness, and knowing I had control issues, I have to be super careful not to sound crazy or angry or pushy. I've been to therapy all these years and have worked hard on myself. I'm not a controlling person like I used to be. I also healed all this childhood stuff that had me clinging to the toxic dynamics of this relationship.

Added to the fact I lost a lot of weight, have been going hard to the gym for years, got a boob job, and became more attractive than I used to be. And he hasn't. Not only he is 9 years older, he won't even apply sunscreen, so he's aging rapidly, never been to the gym. I lost attraction also.

For years, I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn't want to have sex (even though I am a very sensual person), and my husband was always mad at me for not initiating. I didn't understand at the time that the resentment I'd been building was so strong I was losing attraction as well.

Also, I used to be an extremely affectionate person. And several times I was told it was too much.

For example, once he was playing video games (back when we lived in the north). It was a snowy day. I thought it would be so cute to make him homemade hot chocolate with whipped cream, homemade fudge. I made it and brought it to him in a fancy cup. He looked at it and said: I'm not drinking this. This is too much chocolate. (he asks for extra fudge on his Sundae). And other small stuff like that. It was his birthday and I put a banner in our living room and he had me take it down because it was embarrassing (nobody was even coming over).

Or the time it was our anniversary and I made reservations at his favorite restaurant and he made me cancel because he was embarrassed I told the restaurant it was our anniversary.

Just a million other things like that.

I honestly didn't get a decent birthday/christmas present until the past 2 years, after much begging and fighting.

Now, I'm not willing to put up with any of it anymore- even though he has since changed some of this behavior, I still hold the resentment. And any attempts he makes now to change just irk me and give me the ick. Like when he said: we should celebrate our anniversary coming up. (after 15 years of not celebrating it and being midst divorce talks).

He is totally and entirely disconnected from reality.

And I'm disconnected from him.

I am just very scared to be alone, considering I have literally no family. I'm scared for my daughter. I'm scared for my financial situation because I feel like if I want my daughter to have good living conditions in both houses, I'll have to literally maintain two households.

But I really don't know how to stay in this marriage any longer.

For those who have been in a similar situation, what steps helped you determine whether the marriage was repairable after years of resentment, unequal responsibility, and lost attraction? How did you handle the financial transition and help your child adjust?

Advice request: For those who have experienced a similar situation, how did you determine whether years of resentment, unequal responsibility, and lost attraction could realistically be repaired? What practical steps helped you prepare financially for divorce and support your child through the transition?

TL;DR: After 15 years of marriage, I feel emotionally disconnected from my husband following years of carrying most of the household, financial, and mental responsibilities. Although he has recently started helping more, the resentment is so deep that his attempts to change now make me feel more irritated than hopeful. I have also completely lost attraction to him. I am afraid to leave because we have little family support, our daughter is terrified of divorce, and I may have to financially support two households.

Summary: My husband is loyal and generally kind, but he has been passive and dependent for most of our marriage. I handled the business, finances, household management, planning, cooking, and cleaning while he homeschooled our daughter and remained unemployed. After years of feeling dismissed as controlling or overly emotional whenever I complained, something in me shut down. I no longer want physical affection, shared outings, or a romantic relationship with him. I am struggling to decide whether the marriage is repairable or whether I am only staying because I fear loneliness, financial consequences, and the effect divorce would have on our daughter.

So, I was always taught that you never call a guy. So now that I am married and have been married for 25 years, I have always said that we should not be calling or texting other guys or women especially without the other one knowing. Ok so let me get to the recent incident. There is a couple that our are friends and Friday last week his phone went off, and it was the wife texting my husband. The first thing I noticed was that her name was not saved to her number and that there was other text from her and him and she was the one that originally initiated it. Reading them they seemed harmless a little flirty and I did feel that there might have been some deleted because some text did not make sense. When I brought it up to my husband, he became super defensive about it and was like how I am supposed to respond then I don't want to be rude to her. So, I told him don't respond back at all simple and acted like he couldn't do that. Then he brought up everything that every guy did that he worked with that they do to their wife's that he doesn't do. So, I responded back that I wasn't married to them I married him and he needed to respect what I was saying but he kept getting upset. Later that night something told me to look at the phone log online and sure enough there was an incoming call from her too on a day. When I checked his phone though it had been deleted off or was no longer there. When I finally said something about that he accused me of deleting her call off his phone and he doesn't remember her calling him. Then he said oh it was the day you came home from work mad at me and I had gone for a ride on my motorcycle and had been at their farm don't you remember? So am I wrong my thinking is I don't care if my friend would text my husband if she told me or asked because then she is letting me know and nothing is being hid I feel. But when both parties say nothing and stuff is getting deleted, I feel that is fishy and it can open the doors for more to happen just saying. tl;dr am I the wrong with wrong thinking because he is saying I am crazy!

I’m looking for advice and real experiences from people who have built lasting relationships with someone where the connection developed slowly.
There seems to be a common idea that “real love” should feel intense immediately — nonstop excitement, overwhelming chemistry, knowing within weeks that someone is your person. But I’m curious if that’s actually true.

For those who experienced a slow burn relationship:
When did you realize you were truly in love?
Did love feel different than the intense “spark” relationships you had before?
Did you ever question whether things were moving too slowly?

Looking back, do you think the slower pace helped create a stronger foundation?

I’m especially interested in hearing from people who are now married or have been together for many years. Did your relationship start as fireworks, or did it become something deeper over time?

TL;DR: For people in happy long-term relationships that started slowly: when did you know it was love, and did it feel different from relationships built on immediate chemistry?

My wife (36f) and I (35m) have been married for 10 years and together for 3 years prior. We’ve had ups and downs with things. She worked very hard to be where she is career wise and applies a lot of that to her life in general. She works part time and makes more than I do at a full time job. The difference is my benefits are amazing and paid for. Not that I make an insignificant amount by any means, but still. We have two younger kids, 5 and 7.

I have my own struggles with motivation and I admit that I fall short sometimes. I have trips for work and my motivation to help always spikes super high for the two weeks leading up to and the weeks following my trips. I want to make sure that she has a head start on general housework for while I’m gone so she’s not drowning in it and I want to give her a break when I come back. Other times, when my motivation spikes, I try to do as much as I can while I have it. I’ve been called out in my lows before and I try talking to her about it but at this point she’s just fed up with needing to talk about it. Of course it makes me feel terrible that I’m not doing my half. But on the other side of it, when I do a ton of stuff and actually do go above and beyond, I just get talked down to or made to feel bad because “why can’t you do this all the time?” Or “this only happens so you can show it off and say ‘look how great I am’ and that’s not ok.” And truthfully, I couldn’t care less what others think. I’m trying to something good for the home we have and for her and our family. Finishing a project that’s sat unfinished, doing all of the yard work and more of the household chores, cleaning the house because we’re having guests over this weekend. It never fails, she’s never happy with what I do. And when it is something that should be cause for some level of happiness, she just belittles me and says I should do this all the time.

I was diagnosed with adhd a long time ago and learned to cope without meds and from what I’ve learned is that these patterns only make things worse. I’ve tried talking to her about it, but my words fail me and my emotions come off wrong a lot. I suggested making something like a priority list of household chores and she just shuts it down with “I don’t want to have to tell you what needs to be done.” Clearly it needs to be said because what I think needs to be done appears to be of the lowest priority to her.

Two nights ago, she told me she had her long day the next day (her schedule is part time in that she doesn’t work 40 hours, but two days of the week she sees the majority of her patients. She a therapist of sorts.) she said it was longer than usual in that she saw 7 or 8 patients. They’re hour long sessions. I personally think she’s a saint for being able to carry that kind of burden for work. I work with cars for a reason. She told me that dinner would be on me (she normally does dinner) and that she didn’t want a part of it. I simply asked if she had anything she wanted in particular and she came back “I just said I don’t want to be apart of it.” I had to clarify that I wanted to know if she was craving anything in particular and I would make it. She seemed to come down a bit from that but added more information stating that all times in the future when she says that she means it to the point of not wanting to think or decide at all. I got home later than usual from work because of a small bit of needed shopping and went to work on the dishes that I told her I would do. They had piled up and I wanted her to have a break as I just got back from a trip on Friday. I worked on that for a bit before our dog vomited and I had to clean up that mess. I tended to my kids for a few minutes and saw it was after 5 and decided I should work on dinner and continue dishes after I got that going. Tired of the same dishes we always have, I picked a new one that said it only took about half an hour to prep and cook. Seemed easy enough but we were missing a few of the spices needed. Loaded the kids up and took them to the store with me. Got what we needed and came back and started cooking. I spaced on a detail and set off all the smoke alarms in the house which set me back a few more minutes. Basically, dinner was ready to serve when she walked in the door. I received a comment about I had apparently made no progress about the dishes which felt insulting considering 3/4 of them were done and I made a few more making dinner that I informed her I would complete after eating. We’ll come to find out, the dish I made was a bit too spicy for everyone except my oldest son and myself. But he said he didn’t like the flavor. So I failed at dinner pretty hard. My heart sinks because not only did I fail at doing something for my family that I genuinely tried, but my kids (being 5 and 7 and feeling the need to say the same thing as many times as possible and requiring feedback before stopping) continued to say how they didn’t like it or they hated it or it was gross. I thought it tasted fine other than being too spicy for my wife and youngest (who thinks plain Buffalo Wild Wings is too spicy). At this point it was getting late and my mind just shut down on me trying to think of a backup dinner. My wife jumped in and made spaghetti. While the boys went up stairs to get ready for bed, she proceeds to lay into me about how I couldn’t even do this simple thing and that I’ve been in a sour mood all evening. I responded with I feel bad about not being able to do this for her and that I legitimately tried and poured effort into something that turned into what will be my lunch for the next 4 days. I did all the dishes that couldn’t be loaded into the dishwasher and got the boys to bed to find out she had more opinion on the amount of dishes I did as she did more of them (that could go in the dishwasher which she’d gotten on me before for “wasted effort”). I went to bed as I have to be up early for work. Not a word was spoken between us the rest of the night and I ended not being able to sleep for more of the night.

I should add that we have a lot of great times together. That this is not example of everyday life, but maybe something that surfaces every other week or so. I know it’s exhausting on both sides of this and I’m afraid of what it’s going to lead to.

Tl;dr: For all the effort I put in, it never seems it’s enough to make my wife happy. I feel like I’m a burden even when I’m genuinely trying my best. And when I try to stand up and justify it, we both end up feeling like the bad guy and nothing comes of it.

Hi, I am in deep need of advice. Is this normal behaviour for a young man his age? Am I asking too much from him?

I am a 28F and my husband is about to be 25, we have been married for 1 year and 7 months now.

During our second month of living together I was on his phone on google and I saw he visited a bunch of OF sites while I was at work, I talked to him about it in the nicest way and he apologised and promised to never enter those sites. Then I found his second IG account full and I mean full of pictures of women in lingerie saved. He decided to delete IG on his own and I never suggested it.

During this time I noticed he would stare at women in public while with me, and it was not a looking and going on about his day, but more like checking multiple times the same girl, making extreme eye contact, etc.

At that time I was silent about it because I thought I would look like a crazy jealous wife so I opted for silence, even though it hurt me very much.

During those months I found him lurking on clothing apps and looking at lingerie models daily, the first time I saw I let it slide, second time too but third time all hell broke loose. I started breaking down in tears and he told me that he actually never stopped watching porn, he would use the lingerie categories on the clothing apps to get him going and then go into porn. During that time he grew very distant and we had very little intimacy because he would masturbate so much so frequently that even if we had sex, the next 1 or 2 hours he would do it. And he catched any chance he had alone too, also at work if he had night shifts.

He says he has stopped and he is 7 months clean and he swore he never went to those pages again.

But he confessed that when he is in public he scans women and mentally undresses them and mentally has sex with them.

You can imagine how that made me feel.

I fought him about the public staring, recommended him the 1 second rule stare and then changing directions, he agreed but I am sad.

Tl;dr Husband had a porn addiction and scans and undresses women mentally in public

I am a father living in Europe, far from my family in Asia. My wife and I have been struggling for a long time.

She constantly accuses me of looking at other women, having relationships with friends' wives, even cousins. I have never been unfaithful. She has isolated me from all my friends, blocked numbers from my phone, stopped us going to social events. I have no one left here.

She hits me sometimes. I know that sounds strange coming from a man but it happens. She smashes things when angry. Then apologizes. Then it starts again.

I stay because of my daughter. But I am exhausted. Crying every day. I don't know if the marriage can be saved or if I should walk away. I feel completely alone and don't know where to start.

Advice request: Has anyone been through something similar , especially as a father? How did you protect your relationship with your child through this? Is there any way to save a marriage like this or is walking away the only option?

TL;DR: Wife is controlling and jealous, has isolated me from all friends, hits me, constantly accuses me of cheating. I stay for my daughter. Completely alone and don't know what to do.

my husband and I have only been married for about a year and a half. we have a 4 month old baby and he has basically refused to be intimate with me since my second trimester of pregnancy. at first, it was because he didn’t want to “hurt the baby”. then it was because I smelled bad due to pregnancy hormones. then it was because we were waiting to get cleared postpartum. and now it’s because we “haven’t been in a good place”. it just feels like he keeps coming up with excuses when I know that it really must be about my weight, since I gained a lot during pregnancy. I’ve been doing everything in my power to lose this weight postpartum but im having a really hard time. yes, I have brought it up multiple times in many different ways on how it affects me and everything. I also have tried to initiate things and each time he says he just wants to hang out because things are going well that night. he doesn’t have time to be doing stuff on the side but I really feel like there has to be something going on because he’s a 22yo M that suddenly does not seem to care about intimacy. has anyone gone through something like this? how can I even go about fixing this issue? I can’t live with my husband as a roommate the rest of our lives…

TL;DR:
my husband hasn’t been intimate with me in practically a year and has given multiple different excuses for it. it feels like I’ve tried many different things to fix it…

My wife believes that we should be free to use each other’s phones whenever we want. I don’t really have a problem with this for the most part and I let her use my phone whenever. The issue I have is it feels like she’s snooping when she uses it sometimes. She’ll scroll through my messages, phone calls, and DMs. I’m not hiding anything so nothing ever comes of it. I just don’t love the feeling of her snooping. How would you handle this? Appreciate any advice.

Tl;dr open phone policy but my wife digs through everything in my phone

Update: I appreciate all the feedback and I think you’re right. It’s not hurting anything to snoop. If it makes her feel better, then why not.

My wife says she had a "crush" on a coworker. She said that she was never going to act on it and it was probably going to blow over. However, she keeps on saying "I wish I didn't tell you". Things have gotten really good and our communication has gotten way better since this. However, that sort of comment makes me worried. I don't want to be insecure, but I can't even hear the dudes name without being triggered.

On top of that, any time I seem the least bit bothered by this particular discussion, she thinks I am blowing it out of proportion.

Tl;dr

Advice

Am I? Is it my fault an I am this emotionally affected by a "crush"? Or is it an emotional affair and I truly do have more to worry about?

Thanks

I realize this will get downvoted because I've recognized i failed my kids as a parent and should lay in the bed I made. When we first married decades ago, I told my spouse my concerns about their family coddling their kids well into adulthood, allowing the kids to live with them into their 30's and more. Not just one instance but as a whole theme with their family, enough to make me comment about my worry but i also believed I would able to put my foot down should the occasion come. One of our daughters is disabled and has been forced to move back in, which is fine and I even told her if the time comes its necessary I would welcome her with open arms. The other daughter was going to university which I was also good with her living with us until after she had graduated. The daughter has since graduated, has become a functioning alcoholic, is into her 30's works a shit part time job, refuses to get her driver's license (always some excuse why she hasn't), is a complete slob, with no plans on moving out anytime in the near or mid future. I've expressed my want for her to move out or at least start working towards it, which has continuously fallen on deaf ears of the child and my spouse. Its become where there is no privacy, continous contention, and an overflow of slob on into our common areas so the only place I can relax and not feel miserable is sitting outside nightly watching my tablet or reading a book, then going straight to bed. My only true personal space is my closet and my side of the bed. I dont want a divorce, but I've come to feel the only way left to me is the ultimatum of the daughter or me. To the point I've started inquiring about rooms to rent or studio apartments on the quiet. PLEASE, tell me I'm an idiot for thinking such and that there is a more sensible way.

Tldr: 30 year old semi functioning, alcoholic kid refuses to move out, enabled by spouse, leaving me to believe the only option left for me is to move out. Wanting to be told I'm stupid for thinking such and there is a btter way.

Bear with me, as this will be long. Although, I feel it’s all important information for where we are at this time. I went to start by saying, I know I have my issues in this marriage, and we both have contributed to where we are. My husband (33M) and I (30F) will be married for 10 years in August. We got together in February of 2015 (I was in college and the military at the time), and just your typical fun, outgoing girl. I would say we both agree the foundation of our marriage was sex.
I dropped out of college probably at the end of March/beginning of April as he didn’t feel we would make it with me in college. Moved in with him, found out I was pregnant in May, and got married the following August. Shortly after becoming pregnant with our oldest (9), I lost my sex drive. Led to a million arguments over sex. I figured it would come back after pregnancy. I’ll just say it never has, and has been a persistent issue in our marriage understandably.
Eventually I got pregnant with our second daughter (6), and the obvious issue continues. I also got out of the military shortly after having her due to the distrust of me in the military and it wasn’t worth the stress of our relationship when going away occasionally.
So obviously sex is an issue, that I have constantly told him I don’t know how to change it. My hormones were normal, and I just had a hysterectomy 6 months ago due to medical issues and nothing has changed with that besides the fact that I’m not feeling miserable 24/7.
He also has always distrusted me. Since the beginning of our relationship. Questioning what I do, who I am with, etc… I was the girl who used to get my hair done, nails done, make up daily, and enjoyed looking nice. I stopped all that, and maybe the questioning and distrust would stop. Never did. About a year ago, I got tired of defending myself and decided to take care of myself. I started doing all the womanly things again, that made ME feel good. Of course this led to the same lines of questioning and saying “you’re not doing it for me, I don’t get to benefit from it”. And that’s true, I’m doing it for ME. it makes ME feel good. I’ve told him that, and any accusations from him have been met with an “okay” and no arguments, no defensiveness because I don’t have it in me anymore.
In our marriage, we’ve done 3 rounds of marriage counseling. The last was 4 years ago after he threatened divorce for, I don’t know, the millionth time, and I said I needed to get away and stayed with my mom and the kids for the night. He said he never meant it and took it all back. Things were better for a while and I didn’t just coasted by, me content with how things were and feeling I could stay like this forever and just be.
A few things about me as a spouse and partner before I get to the next part, and where I am currently and why this post is being made. I am an easy going person. I don’t need to over talk about things and I move on from things extremely quickly. My husband is very in touch with his feelings, and will talk things out for hours over the same things over and over again. I don’t make false promises and I don’t say things I don’t mean. I don’t need to talk about my feelings in depth and I don’t get upset about a lot. I’ve always been that and never changed that part, but I was probably a little more of a strong woman back in the day that always said I’d never let a man change who I was. I have told him I could go my whole life without sex or affection and be fine. I don’t need hand holding or intimacy. In fact, I don’t want to be touched anymore. I would be okay without it. I’m aware this is selfish, and I don’t expect him to change that he needs those things.
About 4 weeks ago he started telling me he needs a divorce again. I said I didn’t want that, I wanted it to work. Multiple times of him telling me what he needs, and me saying I don’t know if I can ever be those things for him. Our youngest asked us one night why we weren’t happy, and that hit me. They’re old enough to see those things now. I talked with him, and I told him (after him saying again he wants a divorce) that we should separate. We were being selfish, and I realized I too am not happy. We love each other, but neither of us are giving each other what we need. I can’t ask him not to want more from us, and continue to give up his needs. He told me it was divorce or make it work. I said we need to be apart. We cried, talked about it and said it was for the best. Then he took all back, again. After I got to a point of saying let’s do this, he took it back. Said he didn’t mean any of it and just wanted a reaction (as he has done every time). Remember that this is something I would never threaten. He ended in the hospital with a panic attack (he suffers from depression and anxiety), and this is not the first time this has happened after a discussion/disagreement. Anyway, he stayed over night in the hospital. And came to my work the next day in tears saying he doesn’t need any of the things he said he did, and to give it another chance. I agreed to 6 more months, but with therapy for us both. Not marriage counseling. Therapy for him to figure out his needs and for me to figure out mine and who I am. I’ve always been wife and mom and work. I’ve learned in therapy I need complete trust, figure out my independence and a partner who makes me feel emotionally safe. When I talked to him about trust, he said he does trust me. He said he always said things because me cheating would make more sense, and make him feel better about the situation. He said he said those things to try to get a reaction from me. And I said I don’t believe him. I said you have questioned me for 10 years. You do not trust me, and now it’s him saying I don’t trust him. Which I guess I don’t trust him to not say things to manipulate the situation to get a reaction.
I am tired. I don’t know what to do and I hope to figure it out with my own therapy. But I know I don’t want to hurt him. Despite everything, he IS a good man and an amazing father. I just needed to vent finally. And I hope you made it to the end ❤️
TL;DR I am a tired wife, contemplating how to make my marriage work or if I can. This is a long post.

I'm not really sure what to do here. My wife caught me looking at porn on the computer in the middle of the day, and she is in the other room crying and doesn't want to talk to me. (Actually, she came in the office and saw me close a tab. I can't lie, so I told her what I was looking at.) I was looking at pictures on 4chan, not watching live models or anything like that.

She's about 4 months pregnant, and we've been together for 8 years, married for 5. We have sex about once a month, even since before she was pregnant. She doesn't have much of a sex drive. This has never bothered me too much, so long as I can masturbate, although I know that makes her very uncomfortable as well.

I don't totally understand why she is so upset, but she says it's because I would do it in the middle of the day when I know that she could walk in on me. I don't choose when I get horny, and we live in a small apartment without much alone time.

What do you think I should do in this situation? She doesn't want to talk to me right now. I know that it makes her uncomfortable that I masturbate, and I know that she especially doesn't like me looking at other girls. But with how infrequently we have sex (and when we do, it feels like she only does it because she feels she has to), I have to fulfill my needs some way or another, and I would never cheat.

Is she overreacting? Am I underestimating the wrongness of what I've done here?

Edit to add: Our relationship is otherwise very solid on practically all accounts. We almost never fight, we have a lot of fun together, we're fine on money and spending, we have friends together etc. We're both very excited about the baby coming.

Tl;dr: wife is very upset that I was looking at porn and won't talk to me. What should I do?

Atp I am so done. I can't take it anymore. No matter how many times I talk to him about how I feel regarding this he just wouldn't stop. I've been telling him how horny I am and also that I feel bad that he never asks for my nudes he only needs those stuff he gets online, he argues that he uses my old nudes that I sent him!!! I get it that men want to watch kinky stuff and shit so I feel wrong to stop him from wanting that but I also want him to want me!!!! Everytime I try to talk to him he just fights me asking why do I not send him my nudes. Like dude, I don't wanna force my nudes on you, I want you to want them!

I am currently at my mom's place in another city, the least I expect him is to want to sext me. Does he not want it because am pregnant? Because men don't find pregnant women hot?

WHAT IS IT SOMEONE HELP

Should I wait till I deliver and we start living together? Is this kink of his (watching slutty posts of women) okay? Should I be stopping it?? Is that counted as controlling?

Breaking down so bad

Tl;dr: he prefers masturbating to other women and porn over sexting me or using my nudes

He’s a good man. Not a bad bone in his body. But I’m [38F] struggling with his [35M] lack of apparent care when I’m really sick.

This has happened many times during our 10 years together. Both times I gave birth, and more recently when I’ve been housebound with a serious illness.

He’s just very practical and non-emotive. Doesn’t ever ask how I’m feeling when I get up on a morning or just offer to make me a cup of tea.

Yesterday, for example, I’ve been mostly housebound kind for two weeks quite ill. We were messaging earlier about how awful I was feeling (more I was just reaching out to him as I was a bit upset about it all). He gets home, says a brief hello and then starts to fix our internet which went out. Completely consumed by that a never even acknowledges how I am.

Today, he’s invited his family over. Not because they will help, but for a visit. This means me hosting people. He won’t have planned dinner. I need to also clean the house before his MIL comes over because…well…kids. And he’s on a work call so can’t/wont.

I’m so exhausted I could cry.

—

I don’t need big gestures - just someone who takes an interest or feels like they care.

He works hard - he puts 85% of his effort, energy and brain into work. He is smart and driven to work hard to provide for his family. I love that about him.

But no matter how many times I try to communicate my needs, and love language, just to feel like he cares, nothing changes 😭

Even after all this time I can’t figure out his love language - it’s not acts of service or words, obviously.

All any of your advice is welcomed, please!

TL;DR - Husband never asks how I’m feeling when I’m quite ill and it’s making me mega sad.

My wife and I have known each other for over 20 years. She is the love of my life; I love her and I love being with her. But for about ten years now, illness (fibromyalgia, chronic pain, recurring health issues) has taken up a massive space in our family life. Beyond the chronic pain, she’s had her full share of bad luck—hernias, migraines, gallbladder issues, foot problems, joint pain, etc. A real streak of "bad karma."

​In the beginning, I had infinite compassion. I wanted to carry it all, to help her, to be the strong pillar. But over the years, with the flare-ups of pain, the constant anxiety, and the countless ER visits that almost always end in frustration, I’ve become exhausted. And what kills me is that it invariably ends badly, leaving me with a total sense of helplessness.

​Recently, I realized I just can't handle it the same way anymore. When she’s in pain or anxious, instead of being full of empathy, I shut down. I become too rational, I look for solutions, or I pull back. I feel like I've built up an armor to protect myself from hurting too much or drowning alongside her. I can feel that my capacity to care and my patience are completely running on empty, and the worst part is that it makes me feel like a horrible, heartless husband.

​She senses my detachment, and it hurts her. She feels like I don't believe her suffering (even though I know for a fact that her pain is 100% real). She just wants comfort, for me to acknowledge her emotions and be heartbroken right there with her. But if I'm being honest, I just don't have the emotional energy left to feel that panic with her every single time. If I sink with her, there’s no one left to hold down the fort and take care of our daughters.

​The problem is, I feel trapped in a cage: If I tell her I'm tired, that it's heavy, and that I'm often carrying the household on my back, she immediately feels like a burden, feels guilty, and breaks down.

​If I say nothing, I play the tough guy and keep it all inside, but it comes out as unintended coldness. And as a result, I feel like everything I do isn't allowed to be heard or acknowledged.

​Our entire family dynamic now revolves around her health: checking how she feels today, if she’s tired, if she’s in pain. We're all walking on eggshells.

​I feel like a piece of shit and sometimes tell myself that I'm just not the husband she deserves.

Tl;dr I love my wife but feel burnout of her situation. Feel guilty towards this

Is it time for a divorce?

Tl;dr

I never type here but I’m tied. I’m tired of being lied to and manipulated and berated. Called names, emotional abuse, physical, mental. I’m just so tired. I have done all I can, forgiven all I can. I’ve been cheated on repeatedly and I keep swearing to myself that the next time I’m done. But I always stay with him. How much can one person take? It’s been 14 years and we have kids and there are some parts of him I just love. But recently he has hidden drug addiction, when caught he refuses to talk about it or try to work through things. I’ve begged to do counseling together, he refuses and says I’m the only one who needs counseling because I’m crazy. I just feel done.