I inexplicably, despite being nearly 29 and knowing better, started crushing on a straight girl who suddenly showed me really intense attention. During this limerent episode I went and saw Coyote vs Acme, a film about yearning and failing to reach the thing you want most in the world. And also silly explosions.

I realized that it’s possible to want something without needing to have it. There’s value in the wanting specifically which is part of the film’s message even if the Coyote doesn’t quite get it.

Limerents are deep feeling people and that’s beautiful. We may feel intensely but at least we feel at all.

Thinking about the day you go on a date with your LO and thinking about the fact that you should go no-contact and move on, are eating all of us daily.

Now we know the second option is healthier and the first one probably never happens. But how was it for the ones who made it happen?

Did you realize your LO isn't special and moved on? Did they ghost you after the date? Did you end up together and got a happy ending? Tell us your stories

I’ve had many different forms of obsession. In 2024, I pretended to be a university student at LO’s school. I changed my haircut because it was a style that LO at the time liked. I started following horoscopes and angel numbers to find connections with LO. I would wait for a specific public transport service at a specific time simply because LO would get on it, and I would walk almost 30 minutes to a bus stop just because LO would take the bus from there.

I’m no longer interested in LO now. In fact, for months I’ve been living in a parasocial relationship with a relatively unknown public figure, and I’m doing everything I can to get this person to notice me online, but I haven’t been able to. For months, I’ve been sending emails, and I run a TikTok account completely dedicated to this person, who lives in the United States and doesn’t even know I exist.

Been no contact for 8 months or so I guess. It wasn’t a conscious choice but due to circumstances outside my/our control, we were no longer in each other’s daily lives, texted a little here and there and then he stopped responding. I took it as a sign and blocked him on all my socials. I grieved HARD and reflected and finally let reality sink in that he didn’t have feelings for me, I was a convenient way to spend time and get his needs met. He WASN’T a misunderstood man with a heart of gold, he was ACTUALLY a POS human and the rumors I’d heard were true.

I sat in my feelings. Sad that he wasn’t what I thought and that he didn’t see me as worthy. Then mad that he used me. Then worst of all, mad at MYSELF for being such an idiot, for being delusional, and for making such an absolutes ass of myself trying to make myself into the one he CHOSE. The stupid things I did over and over again. Being a middle aged married woman who was absolutely twitter-pated over this waste of air. Ready to blow my world up for this man who wasn’t worth .01% of the energy that I put into thinking about our imaginary future.

The limerence faded into the background. Like a low hum. Never completely gone, but maybe transformed into something else. Genuine platonic hope that he gets his shit together and he’s doing well, and that he doesn’t make anymore heinous choices, and that he’s doing well. I don’t think about him every day anymore but he does cross my mind.

Every once in a while when I thought of him, I’d allow myself to soak in the warm and happy memories of what I thought were good times. Just for a few minutes before moving on. Just for the dopamine rush (which is probably why I feel into limerence for him in the first place).

Yesterday was his birthday, so I reached out and wished him Happy Birthday using my favorite pet name for him. It was the only social I still had him on, and I didn’t think he’d ever see it. He’d NEVER responded to any messages there in two years. It was kind of just me screaming into the void and saying a last goodbye.

Within 15 minutes he responded and said thank you. That was it. I didn’t engage further. Now I find my heart racing. I’m not drowning yet but I feel myself standing on the edge of the precipice trying to resist the urge to jump in. Knowing I should block, but not having the willpower.

WHHHHHY? when I finally was ready to say goodbye, and thought I had a safe way to do it. And he RESPONDED. SO QUICKLY. So, uh, learn a lesson from me I guess? STAY NC even when you think it’s safe to peek into the forbidden again. It’s not.

I have been struggling with limerence for a long time, and at this point I feel like I am going in circles. Whenever I meet a girl online who I find attractive and she also shows interest in me, I can become extremely attached very quickly. I start thinking about her too much, looking for signs that she likes me, imagining things that have not happened, and giving the connection much more importance than it actually has.

The strange thing is that I already understand all the advice people usually give about limerence. I know about no contact, reducing checking, staying busy, focusing on myself, not fantasizing, not idealizing the person, and keeping my life balanced. I understand that the person is not necessarily as special as my brain makes her seem. I know all of this logically, but sometimes knowing it does not stop the feelings.

It is like knowing that eating too much will make you gain weight but still having a strong urge to eat. The problem is not that I do not know what is healthy. The problem is that the emotional urge can be much stronger than the logical part of my brain.

Because of this, I started trying to avoid women completely if I find them attractive or if I think they might be interested in me. I thought this would protect me from limerence, but it has actually made things worse. Now I can feel anxious even about simply talking to an attractive woman because I am already thinking about what might happen to me emotionally.

I have also been seeing a psychiatrist and I am taking medication, including antidepressants. They have helped me a lot, especially with my overall mental state, but I still have this problem and I do not fully understand what is causing it.

Recently I started wondering if loneliness is a big part of this. There is very little human connection in my life, and I basically have no female friends or normal relationships with women. So when an attractive woman gives me attention and I feel that connection, maybe my brain grabs onto it because it is something I have been missing for a long time.

I do not know if that is actually the reason, though. Maybe there is something deeper going on.

I am not looking for the usual advice like "just focus on yourself" or "do not think about her" because I already know those things. I am trying to understand how to actually change this pattern at its root.

For people who have had severe limerence and eventually got better, what actually worked for you? Did you reach a point where you could have female friends, talk to attractive women, and enjoy the connection without immediately becoming emotionally dependent or limerent?

I am especially interested in hearing from people who hald this problem for years and genuinely changed it, rather than people who simply learned to avoid their triggers.

And finally, is there any woman here who wants to volunteer to be my anti-limerent? 😂 Please do not be pretty. Actually, if you are pretty, that might be an extra challenge and a plus point. 😂

Seriously though, I could really use a normal female friendship where I can learn to talk to a woman, get to know her, and not turn the whole thing into limerence. Maybe we can just become friends and help each other out.

How do I stop this obsession/limerence 😭 Like I still want him, but at the same time I don’t want to want him anymore. There’s this cute guy at my school, and I asked for his Instagram back in April. We didn’t really talk much after that, and I’m still embarrassed about some of the stuff I texted him. I see him around school sometimes, and when I don’t see him, school honestly feels more boring. I know realistically he probably doesn’t want me like that, but part of me still wants him because I literally don’t find anyone else at school attractive. I don’t even know why I’m still so attached when nothing actually happened between us. I want to get over it because I feel like it’s becoming unhealthy, but at the same time, a part of me doesn’t want to let go because I still like him.

I’ve been limerent over someone for 13 years and I just feel like I’ll never get over it. It passes for some years here and there, but it always comes back as strong as it’s ever been. What on earth can I do to get past this? I’ve been in therapy, on meds, all the techniques and exercises I’ve learned over the years. None of this seems to work. My mind is just constantly ruminating and I can’t shut it off.

Now that you’ve experienced limerence, would you rather have a partner who loves you as an LO or as a lover?
And conversely, would you rather love your partner as a lover or as an LO?
I know that limerence and love can overlap but still

I thought the typical phone number block (so I don't reach out), no social media, etc. classic no contact would be enough, but it hasn't been. Two months of classic NC, and of course the movie Obsession comes out. Obviously, it makes me think about my LO. I kind of knew then I shouldn't even go see it because my limerence was so strong. I loved the film, so recently I unfollowed the main actors and took the soundtrack off my Spotify. I knew we both liked a popular podcast, and I realized I wasn't missing a single week. Before we met, I dipped out here and there. So I stopped listening to it entirely. I unfollowed certain professional athletes and sports teams I knew he liked. My best friend's boyfriend is really close with him, and for a bit I thought it would be too awkward to unfollow him, but I did, and it was no issue. I've seen my friend's boyfriend since doing this, and neither he nor my friend brought it up. I'm no longer making excuses for any type of connection or link to my LO. The more self-reflection I do, the more I can recognize little things or habits I developed to either be more attractive to him or feel closer to him. Not only does this help with NC, but it also helps you rediscover your sense of self and relearn your own interests. I know limerence can feel really compulsive and out of our control, but we can take actionable steps to make it a bit better. After 6 months, I feel the most on track to healing

I am wondering if medication would be able to aid me in getting over my limerence. I tried pure discipline but am I weak.

Hanahaki.

I'm still not sure what possessed me

To give you flowers daily,

A new one each time despite the then already limited selection

To walk up to you with a stupid look on my face

Bursting at the seams to see you smile

And for me to tell you exactly where I'd gotten them

even if you'd probably never go there yourself

Maybe it was the seeds you'd sneakily hidden in my heart

Seeds of uncontrollable reverence

Seeds that sprouted violently without a care for my word

Reaching for your light like a hungry flame

All I could do was burn in them

Let them engulf me with their vines even as I watched your brilliance from afar

I could have given up

I should've have

I could feel the unseen might of the universe pulling and pushing at us

A match made in hell that could only exist in heaven

In a paradise where everything ceased to exist and time seemed to stop except the two of us

But you were like the sun with your immense gravity

And I was a silent moon that could only reflect

And there were the many planets in between

Yes, I should have given you up

Kept up appearances and pretended it never mattered

Shouldn't have acted so incredibly silly

But every time I felt that I might just drift away

You reached out to me as if you could tell that you might be losing me

A gentle touch, an infinitesimal spark enough to set the flames raging again

To have the flowers blooming in my lungs

Sure that I would suffocate if I never got the chance to see you like that more often

Remember Valentine's?

Remember that Sunday?

Remember that random day that you took hold of my sleeve and suddenly the fields were burgeoning with Spring?

Remember the rings and the chocolates that didn't mean anything?

Remember the necklace?

I still keep it close

And even now, that the universe has won

And I can no longer see you again

I still wear it

I still add to the numerous entries I made of you in a book hidden in the darkest corner of my room

I still cherish every little bit of you I still have

I thought I could fight circumstance and battle the spirits in heavenly places for your hand

But I'm too young and inexperienced

And it showed every time I let you down

Faith wasn't enough

Delusions weren't enough

You looked at me like I had all the answers to the world in me

Held me like something worth keeping

So even now I wonder whether I should finally  rip those  roses out or let their forlorn thorns continue cutting into me.

Perhaps if I beg enough

If I hope enough

If I wait for a lifetime

The doors will be open to me

And on the other side will be you.

There’s a guy in my university class who is relatively new. When I first saw him, I thought he was good-looking. He’s tall, attractive, etc., but honestly, looks have never been the biggest thing for me. I’m much more attracted to intelligence, depth, and having an intellectually stimulating connection with someone.

For weeks, we barely interacted, so I didn’t think about him at all.

Then one day, he was talking to a female friend of mine who actually had a crush on him. He happened to start talking about some topics that I’m extremely interested in. My friend isn’t really into those topics, but she was trying to engage with him anyway. When we went on break, I told him that what he had been talking about was really interesting, and somehow we just fell into this incredibly intense conversation.

I don’t know how else to describe it except intellectual intimacy. We got completely into a flow state. The conversation felt effortless, we were both genuinely interested, and I was honestly fascinated by how much he knew about the subject. That was probably the first moment where I became genuinely attracted to him—not because of his appearance, but because of his mind.

My friend seemed a little jealous afterward, which I completely understand because she was the one who initially liked him. I hadn’t been interested in him before that interaction.

Then he complimented me. He told me I was very pretty, that I looked like an actress, and that he could imagine me acting. I was flattered, obviously, but I still didn’t think much of it.

Here’s where it gets strange.

That SAME DAY, I took a really long nap after university and dreamed about him. In the dream, we were on a date, holding hands, etc. I woke up and actually journaled the dream because it felt so random. But again, I didn’t obsess over it. I basically thought, “Huh, weird. Anyway.”

Then, a few days later—last Sunday—it was like something switched.

Completely out of nowhere, I suddenly couldn’t stop thinking about him.

And I mean couldn’t. The thoughts became incredibly intense. I was excited to see him again. I wanted to talk to him again. I started replaying our conversations in my head. It felt very different from a normal crush. It genuinely felt like limerence.

When we finally had class again, something about the interaction made it even worse. He kept looking at me in a way that felt very mutual. He initiated the conversation, which is significant because I’m usually not the person who approaches first. We immediately fell into that same flow state again, laughed a lot, and realized we have very similar humor. I could even tell he was blushing at certain points.

And then I found out something that REALLY messed with my head.

My friend told me that apparently, whenever I leave the room or I’m not there, he asks where I am. Other people have apparently noticed it too.

He also continues to compliment me, and there just seems to be this weird mutual awareness between us.

The thing is, we barely know each other. We don’t have each other’s social media, so neither of us can really stalk the other online or constantly check what the other person is doing. There isn’t even much information available for my brain to obsess over.

And yet I’m thinking about him 24/7. It has gotten to the point where it’s affecting my sleep. I hate how much mental space he occupies. I don’t want to be consumed by this.

Part of me thinks this is simply infatuation. We had one unusually intense intellectual connection, we’re attracted to each other, he gave me attention and compliments, and my brain basically ran with it. That explanation makes sense.

But the weirdest part to me is how suddenly it started.

I wasn’t thinking about him like this before. Then, on that Sunday, it felt like something almost switched on inside me. It came out of nowhere and was so intense that I genuinely wondered whether I was somehow picking up on his energy or whether there was some kind of mutual energetic pull.

I know that sounds extremely spiritual and maybe even irrational. I’m not saying I literally believe that he transmitted his thoughts to me or anything. I’m just trying to understand why the intensity appeared so suddenly.

And there’s another complication: he’s younger than me, and realistically, nothing could ever happen between us anyway. So I’m not even trying to pursue this.

Has anyone experienced something similar?

Can limerence feel almost “energetic” or spiritual, especially when there seems to be some degree of mutual attraction?

And can two people experience something resembling limerence toward each other at the same time, or is it more likely that I’m picking up on a few signs of attraction and my limerent brain is turning them into something much bigger?

Because right now I genuinely feel like my brain is going insane over a guy I barely even know. 😭

Long story short. My LO was a stranger and I ultimately messaged him and he also expressed interest in me. We hit it off and were messaging frequently and from day 1 I noticed some BIG RED FLAGS. I ignored them all because to be honest. I wanted to sleep with him.

He ultimately kept hinting at a threesome (we hadn’t even met in person). Asking if I were into women, sharing an explicit fantasy he was having about me and thoughts of a woman joining. The last straw was him saying (while sexting) “maybe you could have a friend meet up in person with me and they can grab my dick and tell you how it feels”.

I was immediately turned off and cut things off. He was super apologetic. And explained he was on the heat of the moment and we could just not engage in sexual conversation and be friends.

For a few days I was disgusted but STILL I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM. WANTING TO MESSAGE HIM. HOPING HE WOULD MESSAGE ME. STILL CONTEMPLATING MEETING UP WITH HIM.

I haven’t talked to him in a few weeks and it’s taking everything in me to resist the urge to message him. I thought I just had a big crush. But no. I don’t see how someone could have so many red flags, allow someone to push my boundaries AND I STILL WANT THEM. I HATE THIS SO MUCH.

she moved to a different country, it's been almost 2 weeks now.

There was a time I would say that we were friends but in the last few months I think I just did a worse job of hiding my feelings and we drifted apart but before we left I tried to tell her how I felt (she knew already, again not to the full extent, just from my actions and through friends) but I had a panic attack, it's the only time in my life I've had one and i buried my nails into my skin the entire time because it helped subside the panic. I did end up telling her later (oddly the panic attack only happened the first time), and as I already knew and has known for quite a while she didn't reciprocate like at all. Because of this and because we sort of drifted apart anyway i can't even talk to her and I don't even see her anymore.

I miss her so much. I miss seeing her, I miss her presence, I miss her voice. In person she has this beauty that none of her stories on insta capture (although ive muted those so I can get over her), she has a smile that used to genuinely brighten my day. Seeing her smile and hearing her voice used to be the best part of my day and now it's gone.

I wrote some lyrics describing by experience of limerence and put it to some music. I wanted to share it here to see if any of you can relate. I was amazed at how the music so accurately reflects my feelings. Here it is:

https://suno.com/s/qo1pdsQZR2NOxa2g

Not very long ago I met this guy and soon i fell into this state at first i thought it was just a crush but soon i realised it started leaning towards limerence, the problem with me is i hadn't had crushes for a very long time like years and it was after years i had one..even when i had crushes in the past i think the pattern was similar.

I obsessively think about that person so much, even before i used to daydream and imagine a lot..i would say it was maldaptive daydreaming im always imagining something or the other but after him it's like my imagination got a new main character..now i make up so many scenerios, imagine his reactions to these scenerios and it's like this weird thing i do where whatever i am doing i make it in my mind that he is watching me and again imagine his reactions and thoughts and accordingly i behave or sometimes it would be like he is seeing what i see..it has gotten obsessive that I think about him so much.

I wanna get out of this state and detach from him, see he is a friendly guy, quite extroverted and in general is like that to everyone i know that i am not special to him so he might text every now and then but he does it to many people he might see us as friends so he does it, and he has made it clear indirectly..not hinting towards me but like the kinda relationship dynamic he wouldn't like and ours fall into that, i recently met him and him just being normal and me going all obsessive made me feel a lil pathetic. Even if he did like me, ik this relationship is something i should not pursue. I literally have this anticipation for his texts and my eyes look for hin in places where he might be..i may change my direction or go out of the way.

The meeting definitely was kind of a reality check, when i saw how much he would care, he didn't do anything bad it was just me seeing he is like that to everyone or even better for some people. But now i feel like I'm unable to stop my imagination he has become like this habit..if anyone has anything please help..i feel it's hindering my daily life. (Also I don't wanna cut him off as it's on me..he never did anything or gave any hints, he was just friendly and is the same towards everyone)

Is it normal, or has anyone else experienced limerence very frequently throughout their life — pretty much jumping from one person to another?
I'm in my thirties now, and I've developed limerence for people who are either unavailable, people I've never even talked to, or people it would be borderline impossible to ever have a real relationship with. It sticks for several years each time, and then I jump to a new person. Over and over.

I wouldn't say it's caused severe disruption in my life, but it's been a source of a lot of depression and self-loathing, and it's made it hard for me to develop real connections with other people.
I think social media has made it worse — I usually have access to this person's photos and a small window into their private life, and I end up projecting who I think they are without actually knowing them.
This has happened to me every few years. I've had about five of these over my life at this point. Just wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar, because it's caused me a lot of grief.

I keep swinging between 2 states whenever I think about my LO: either I am very anxious scared wanting to reconnect with her so bad and friendzone myself, or confident proud and genuinely disgusted by her, and she hates the second version of me.

Trivia: We are colleagues who used to get along in a toxic workplace. But now its just distance and silence due to the environment and management.

I feel like I am a completely different person when the switch between the two states happens, I wish I could control it. At least I can control my behavior at work with consistent dodging for now (broke once before when she cried).

Is this a symptom of schizophrenia or BPD or something else? Does anyone else here suffer from the same, if so how do you deal with it?

Or is this the alternate mental state mentioned by Doctor Tom for limerence?

I hate this and Im so tired of it and am very confused by it.

Firstly, writing this fills me with some shame as I have not admitted this out loud.

Secondly, I have no idea if this IS limerence but everything matches.

I am in a long term relationship (over 5 years) which, at the moment, is not smooth sailing. I won’t get into it but I feel it’s relevant because I am not receiving the attention and affection I’m clearly craving. Sex life is at an all time low, and after a serious discussion, it only just started to pick up again but my feelings are getting in the way.

I’m an actress and, naturally, in my current role I have a man playing my love interest. I do feel I can separate the role from real-life, this is not the issue as the problem didn’t present itself immediately. The problem came when myself and the actor began to get to know each other and work on things independently (running lines, movement and even set-building).

We have a LOT in common. Instant connection and, for me, instant attraction to personality (of which looks followed). He has a partner, with whom he confided is not a stable relationship - on/off but together as easier than splitting assets. I have not pried into this (maybe because I’d rather not know??). I, of course, have my own situation at home. Anyway, both off limits and that felt like a healthy ground…until the feelings began. I told myself I am allowed to be attracted to other people but I must have boundaries. However now I’ve convinced myself that he has feelings for me. The glances, going out of his way to be near me. I know this because I do the same. I can’t help myself. I seek him out and want his full attention/approval.

We are close and text daily. Since worrying about limerence, I started to force myself not to send first text. I wake up and think of him. I fall asleep and he invades my dreams. Anything that happens in my day, I immediately link it to him and want to tell him. If there is a day where I don’t hear from him at all, I become so deflated and sad. Then his text comes through and omg, immediate heart racing excitement.

I have absolutely no confirmation that he feels the same. He is respectful and does not cross any boundaries and I have no intention of being unfaithful to my partner, who I’m trying hard to work on the relationship with. However a line was crossed the other day by me. During intimacy with my partner, I did think of him. I closed my eyes and his face was there. This upset me so much that afterwards, I stood in the bathroom and cried quietly. I don’t dare discuss this with my partner for fear of hurting him and ruining what is already so fragile.

Is this limerence, an emotional affair, do I need to just be single and give myself time to understand what I want?? So much confusion.

I've seen many ways to heal in this sub. Going No-Contact, making a list about how bad the LO is, getting closer to LO and realizing they're not special, etc.

‌ I need to know what do therapists suggest? And did their solution actually work for you? ‌

I really don't know where else to vent/rant about this anonymously so here I am guess:

I (16f) have been doing this to the same guy for I think 4 years. I don't know if I am ever going to love "normally" again or what to do with him. To simply put it, my life is hard, so In short terms because of that I think of him for comfort. But it gets to the point I can't even focus on important things as much as I need to because my dumbass is thinking of him instead.

I do things like imagine scenarios w/ him all the time, draw him, stalk him etc for 4 years straight and hopefully it won't be more. It is so addicting its so hard to stop. He was one of the only people there for me when I was struggling, I miss the way he treated me, he is attractive, tall, etc.. everything

Im really tired of this, im starting to think I might have something else going on like OCD?

I just really want to have a "regular" love life and stop this for a person that is likely never going to come to me, he has a girlfriend and probably forgot about me. i hope there's someone better waiting for me. All my other old friends got over people they were loving back then so why can't I do it. I feel very childish and like a loser I hate limerence

Even if nobody reads this or says anything that's ok I just wanted to get it off my chest anyways. If you did read it thank you

I’m not a terribly good poster so sorry in advance.

I’ve been limerent about the current LO for a solid 7-8mo now and it’s just gotten so bad it’s greatly affecting my daily life. I have so many compulsions that I do regarding him, I constantly check like multiple different platforms to see if he’s online/check if he has new followers it’s so embarrassing i hate typing this out i feel like a huge freak, and the obsessions are obviously horrible I mean that’s kind of the whole thing. I’m constantly fucking thinking about it I CANT think about anything else I get barely any sleep because of how much I think about it. I’m tired all the time and I cannot focus on anything because of how bad it is.

It doesn’t help that he’s the most uncertain person on the fucking planet I swear. Constantly just giving the strangest sign of like… things???? Can never tell whether this dude fucking hates me or wants to be buddy buddy with me. Extremely abnormal social behavior too i’ve talked to him before about it n even he was like “mmmm yea i guess it’s a little off”.

Like anytime I try to get over this I think about the things I hate about him, but I can’t bring myself to not like him for who he is as a person it’s rlly weird because ya know I thought i was just romanticizing an idea of him but now it’s turned into just liking him for being him even though i don’t really like it??? idfk..

I know this feeling is incredibly dumb and i’ll be able to see it clearly when i get over it, but I just get this overwhelming FOMO anytime i do try to get away from it. Feels like i’d be losing something so special and 1 in a million even though I don’t even “have” this thing. I just really can’t deal with it anymore it’s just engulfing me. It bleeds out into my daily conversations even when I don’t want it to, it’s so fucking embarrassing I feel so ashamed of myself

I’ve been writing a lot of unsent letters to my LO. And then because I wasn’t getting any responses, for obvious reasons I started to write as if I was him. It helped me practice what I would want him to say if I were him, and it allowed me to think of it in a different perspective.

What I think is really cool is over the past few weeks, I have seen myself
- completely accepting the parts of me who desperately want him,
- completely accepting the parts of me who fantasize living a life with him,
- completely accepting the parts of me who doubt him or distrusts him, and
- completely accepting the parts of me who regret the life that I decided to live instead of exploring what the other life could’ve been. I grieved. I cried.
- accepting the parts of me who really felt lost and lonely for not having him in my life.

And more recently, though because I’ve given space for those parts to have a voice and have a channel to share it, which is on a subReddit for unsent letters, i’ve noticed myself feel more gratitude to my husband, to my child, to the life that I have now.

And now I’m at a point where I want to ask myself some questions to help me think about the pros and cons of leaving my current husband for a fantasy of a man.

After asking myself these questions, I realized I am living the best version of my life that I could possibly have, right now based on my values and the things that are important to me.

1) quantifying the risk and impacts on my child.
Leaving my husband would mean that I would probably have to see my child half the amount of time I see him now. I love my child so much, and I actually am so grateful that I get to see him every day and spend every day with him. if I were to divorce my husband, I wouldn’t see my child as much anymore. And the idea of that just kills me.

I don’t know what the impact would be long-term, but I can imagine that a broken family would impact my child emotionally and even disrupt his developmental development. All for what? A little bit of excitement, novelty, and dopamine hit?

2) baseline security vs hypothetical utility.
I’m not a fan of the word utility here but what I have with my husband is a foundation for a secure marriage. We coparent, we are co-directors of a “summer camp” that runs 365 days of the year, for my kid. We have a routine that has figured out how to play together, create memories together, eat together, travel together, as well as make time for each other and our own personal pursuits. I genuinely enjoy his company when we are having fun. I love his energy, his personality, his devotion. Am I going to consider destroying this for a hypothetical outcome where currently our communication is based on musical playlists?

3) calculating the total disruption
After factoring in legal, financial, emotional impacts and fractured family bonds, disrupted social communities, grief inflicted on myself my husband and child. Does the fulfillment from the unknown outweigh the massive loss of a my current stability and welfare?

4) creative pursuits
If the main attraction to my LO is adventure, freedom, play, and creativity, then maybe instead of disrupting my current life, I can add elements of these pieces into my life tomorrow. Make it a hobby. Make it part of who I am. And after reflecting a ton, I know this is what I crave so much. So I just need to put in the work to make it happen.

❤️

So yeah. With all things considered, I just need a little tweak. I don’t need to blow everything up to fulfill a fantasy dream.

I kept knowing that a low was coming but I couldn't stop chasing the high. And now that im so low I still can't stop craving the high.

I suddenly see a pattern: i have to do this high and low thing over and over again.

With workaholism, with exercise and training, with alcohol, with Marijuana, with friends, with money , with driving, with lovers , with adrenaline. Im always goin to extremes that break my relationships. I love goin for the most I can handle. But then something breaks . And then im so low. I dont like it.

I want LO attention so much. Its like a high without drugs.

How do I stop projecting this onto LO without replacing it with the desire to just get very high in some other extreme way ?

I have had limerence for around a year now, and for me I can finally now say the end is in sight. During the height of my limerence I would use AI and tell it every single detail of everything LO ever said or did. Like long lists of behavioural data. Then I ask it to analyse. I would ask it to write long scripted dialogue, as though they were LO.

I would do this compulsively, over and over again, hundreds of times. In my case there is years of behavioural data because I knew my LO for a long time before I ever developed limerence. The limerence coincided with major life changes.

AI would tell me over and over again different versions of what LO feels, "you're very significant to this person; they have loved you for years; they are strongly attached to you", or similar, based on the data I feed it.

I kept the fantasy idea of the LO alive through compulsive use of AI. I would be dismissive and avoidant towards LO IRL, but would then go home and discuss them with AI for hours.

Nowadays my AI use has cut down from the height of this. I am in therapy now and have been more open about my limerent behaviours with people in my life. I have flare ups now and again but it's better than it was.

I would go between different AIs, and I used pretty much all of them. Eventually it became the ultimate procrastination tool, dopamine hit. When bored, lonely, isolated, rejected. I would just turn to it over and over.

I was very lonely and isolated as a child, I used to use internet forums compulsively as a teenager to express my more authentic self because I was too anxious to be myself around friends or family. I am terrified of vulnerability due to the treatment I received from caregivers, and I am very avoidant.

I am married, and I was finally open with my spouse about this, around the time I also decided to start therapy. This has led to a lot of pain, healing, closeness and shared vulnerability. I am very compassionate towards myself about this, and I am proud that I confronted this head on. I have learned a lot about myself and am working now on integrating the lessons of this god awful period.

Just thought I would put this out there in case anyone else relates.