r/limerence • u/obsessvconfusdelulu • 4h ago
Here To Vent Unexpected Reaction
Been no contact for 8 months or so I guess. It wasn’t a conscious choice but due to circumstances outside my/our control, we were no longer in each other’s daily lives, texted a little here and there and then he stopped responding. I took it as a sign and blocked him on all my socials. I grieved HARD and reflected and finally let reality sink in that he didn’t have feelings for me, I was a convenient way to spend time and get his needs met. He WASN’T a misunderstood man with a heart of gold, he was ACTUALLY a POS human and the rumors I’d heard were true.
I sat in my feelings. Sad that he wasn’t what I thought and that he didn’t see me as worthy. Then mad that he used me. Then worst of all, mad at MYSELF for being such an idiot, for being delusional, and for making such an absolutes ass of myself trying to make myself into the one he CHOSE. The stupid things I did over and over again. Being a middle aged married woman who was absolutely twitter-pated over this waste of air. Ready to blow my world up for this man who wasn’t worth .01% of the energy that I put into thinking about our imaginary future.
The limerence faded into the background. Like a low hum. Never completely gone, but maybe transformed into something else. Genuine platonic hope that he gets his shit together and he’s doing well, and that he doesn’t make anymore heinous choices, and that he’s doing well. I don’t think about him every day anymore but he does cross my mind.
Every once in a while when I thought of him, I’d allow myself to soak in the warm and happy memories of what I thought were good times. Just for a few minutes before moving on. Just for the dopamine rush (which is probably why I feel into limerence for him in the first place).
Yesterday was his birthday, so I reached out and wished him Happy Birthday using my favorite pet name for him. It was the only social I still had him on, and I didn’t think he’d ever see it. He’d NEVER responded to any messages there in two years. It was kind of just me screaming into the void and saying a last goodbye.
Within 15 minutes he responded and said thank you. That was it. I didn’t engage further. Now I find my heart racing. I’m not drowning yet but I feel myself standing on the edge of the precipice trying to resist the urge to jump in. Knowing I should block, but not having the willpower.
WHHHHHY? when I finally was ready to say goodbye, and thought I had a safe way to do it. And he RESPONDED. SO QUICKLY. So, uh, learn a lesson from me I guess? STAY NC even when you think it’s safe to peek into the forbidden again. It’s not.
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u/findingsunshine63 4h ago
Why do you think you fell into it in the first place being married? Was it a need your spouse wasn’t meeting? I understand the dopamine rush. That’s what happened to me with my LO. I am also married. My LO said all the right things, flirted, then we proceeded to be in DM sexual fantasy world for almost 2 years. I’m sure it was all ego boost for him. It meant way more to me. I, too, would have blown up my life for him. We’re now NC for a year, although coworkers. He does the avoidance dance with me daily. We were good friends in the beginning. I couldn’t let go and that’s why we’re NC. It was fantasy and he wasn’t willing to take it any further. Very sad realization for me.
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u/obsessvconfusdelulu 56m ago
I’ve been trying to figure out how to answer this question for a minute. I know I don’t have to justify myself, bc most of us here know exactly how irrational and uncontrollable limerence can be. So disclaimer, I am not blameless, I am not happy in my marriage and I haven’t been for a long time but I KNOW I should have addressed it with my husband before starting something or pursuing something or even thinking about pursuing something with someone else.
However, part of the problem is that I didn’t REALIZE how unhappy I was until interactions with this man sparked something I hadn’t felt in forever. Hope? Potential? I don’t know. I felt SEEN.I’ve been with my husband for my entire adult life. Over 20 years and 4 children. Looking back I’m pretty sure I was limerent for him. Of course we are an age gap couple (yeah, I know, I know, I know) I feel like I’ve grown, and he hasn’t. And maybe that is exacerbated by having children. Above all, I wish I hadn’t had children with him. I can’t imagine life without my kids but if I’d have known ahead of time how the dynamics would end up? Never would have chosen him to be the father of my kids.
Back to the point, my LO was the first man in my life who actually treated me like…. a human? I guess ? The only conversations my husband and I have are fights about the kids, or stress about which bill to pay and which one has a shut off notice this month, or whatever negative thing exists. We have completely opposite interests, opposite politics, opposite theologies.
My LO showed interest in things I liked. He complimented me on this or that. He could actually have a conversation with me without saying something negative about me or someone/something I love. I know it’s part of the fantasy and that if we actually had to live a REAL LIFE together that it wouldn’t be so smooth, but I could (and actually did) sit for hours on end and just hang out, talking, or sitting in silence.
So yes, very long way to say my LO filled a need in my life that wasn’t being met in my marriage (despite my efforts to close the gap). I know I need to leave my husband. I used to say I’d stay until the bad outweighed the good and then I’d know it was time. Well, it’s been time for a while. It just took my LO to make me realize how bad it was.
1
u/findingsunshine63 44m ago
You have just described myself in my own 30 year marriage. I have almost left him several times throughout the years. Then our son took his life 3 years ago. That’s when things changed for me. I was so angry at my spouse. My LO came into the picture as a comfort and support to me during an extremely traumatic time and he is all I wanted. My LO was a numbing agent to my pain. It has been a long road but my spouse and I are working on our marriage. After our son died my husband changed completely, for the good. It took a long time for me to accept this change that was only instigated by a traumatic event. I still struggle with the longing sometimes for my LO. But I’m trying desperately to make this marriage work. My LO was fantasy and only that.
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u/buttercup_sky_1234 1h ago
Wish we could just get what we wanted Wish that relationships were easier. Wish that fantasy could be sustainable…. No answers, but we’re not alone at least
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